Mount Hood Rescue

So, you've probably heard of the amazing rescue of the three mountain climbers of Mount Hood. This story comes on the heels of the Mount Hood disaster in which three climbers died in December

8:30 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Christmas Traditions and Miracle Shrines

So, if you're supposed to kiss when you see mistletoe, what are you suppose to do when you see cameltoe? I tried to find out yesterday and my grandmother slapped me in the face.

9:24 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Cigarettes and third world children
Current mood: determined

So I quit smoking. I had my last cigarette on Saturday August 12. It hasnt been as hard as I thought it would be. I think its because I didnt plan on quitting. I just havent bought any cigarettes since that day. It's made it easier for my mind to deal with the lack of cigarettes. In the past when I have told myself "this is the last cigarette!" I would fail miserably.

That rigid line of thinking sets up a huge intimidating mind-wall that is impossible to scale. Picture this: Youre standing in front of a 50 foot brick wall. There are no ladders or elevators or third world children who you can force to build a climbing device. And dont even think of stacking them on top of each other and climbing them. These kids are extremely malnourished and so their brittle, marrow-deficient bones will snap as soon as you step on them. You could end up hurting yourself doing that.

So what I am telling myself is that I am just on an extended vacation from the cigarettes and then one day Ill tell myself that I actually quit. Then I am going to take all of the money I saved from not smoking and I'm going to donate it to the Save the Children Foundation so little Mumbassa can have surgery on his broken shoulder blades.

9:50 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

human generosity

As I walked back to work from lunch, a nice young man who I noticed was having a heated conversation with himself, turned to me and asked if I would like some acid. I declined, but thanked him for restoring my faith in human generosity.

2:26 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mexico

So Mexico is on the verge of passing laws that legalize personal amounts of pot, cocaine and heroin. Now Mexico is going to know what it's like to have millions of illegals crossing it's border to find a better life.

2:27 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

New Mexico

I drove 11 hours with Matt Sadler (he drove the whole way, sorry I can't drive stick, bro.) to do a show in Las Cruces, NM.  The people were great and the show went really well.  I really enjoyed the scenery and the unique architecture akin to NM.  One thing I didn't like were the cows.

As you drive into NM on I10 right along the US-Mexico border, there is a stretch of 5 miles, where along the road there are literally thousands of cows.  It was like cow prison.  As we drove by the cows threw gang signs at us.

The best part was the smell.  It was nose heaven.  The only way I can describe it is this way:  Think of what a thousand roses must smell like, after they've been dipped in Courtney Love's douchebag.

I think this serves two purposes.  Number one:  This is where God sends vegetarians who aren't good enough to get into heaven.  Number two: It serves to keep out the illegal immigrants.  Then the tree-hugging vegetarians have to go back to Mexico with the illegals.  That's where the two groups fall in love, mate and give birth to midgets and chupacabras. 

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West Texas

Just got back from driving to Las Cruces, New Mexico.  The best part of driving through west Texas is

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3:25 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mad Cow Disease

There's a new case of mad cow disease that sprung up in Alabama.  These diseases are starting to scare me cause I think the animals are getting back at us  for eating them.  Bird Flu, Mad Cow, I imagine we'll be hearing about Pissed-Off-Pork disease pretty soon.

Another thing I found interesting is that you don't necessarily die immediately from mad cow disease.  I heard about a guy in Africa who ate an infected cow, but didn't die until 20 years later.  That's some scary shit.  One day you eat some infected meat, then you keep living your life, thinking you're happy, but all the while you're slowly dying.  Then 20 years later your life is over.  Its kind of like marriage.

3:30 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Figure skating

I am going to admit that I watched the women's figure skating last night. I found it quite compelling. But I think they could improve it a little bit. Instead of skating to classical music, they should skate to gangsta' rap.

It makes sense to me. The skaters twirl around the ice half-naked wearing hooker spandex with their asses and vaginas hanging out. Isn't that a line from a 3 6 Mafia song? Well if it isn't, it goddamn should be.

What loving mother would not weep with sheer joy and amazement at the sight of her little Lithuanian skater skank doing a triple lutz to "Move, bitch get out da way!"

One last thing, where do they get some of these names?: One of the Russian skaters is named Irina Slutskaya. Really?  I know if I was born, Carlos Cockfacenez, I would change that.

12:08 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Fake Flu Shots

I just read an article about a Dr in Houston who was arrested in 2005 for giving out fake flu shots.  He was arrested on October 30, 2005.  Yes, that is the day right before Halloween.  I have to wonder if he thought the arresting officers were trick-or-treaters trying to get the jump on Halloween.  I can imagine the conversation:  "Man you kids are taking this really seriously.  That looks like a real search warrant!"

Its probably a good thing that they did arrest him before Halloween.  You have to think that if he was so brazen as to administer fake flu shots, he would have done the same with the candy.  He would have had a horrible time in jail.  I doubt you would be able to get any street cred in jail when you tell your cell-mates that you're doing 12-15yrs for Snickers Fraud. 

I don't know what's worse, the fact that he deceived people or the fact that he was so horrible at it.  Instead of flu vaccine he was using purified water.  You'd think people would get suspicious when they saw the Dr taking the needles out of a box marked "Ozarka."

This guy was probably that kid growing up who was horrible at hide n seek.  You know that really fat kid who would put a lampshade over his head and stand in the corner and pretend to be a lamp.

"Ha, I got you."

"Ahh, man, I thought you'd never find me.  what gave it away?"

"Your bitch tits."

2:07 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment