The DNC - Democratic National Clinton..um, Convention
Current mood: amused
Category: News and Politics

Ok, I was beginning to think there was a conspiracy to keep me from blogging.  Last minute, I decided to blog about the DNC - The Democratic National Clinton...I mean Convention, but MySpace, where I usually write my blog, kept failing.  When I came on here, I quickly answered a message, and Facebook froze, but HA!  I made it.  Nothing can stop me now!  So pay attention...I might accidentally say something important.

So where are we?  Barack Obama comes to the stage, waves to the crowd and thanks them for an hour.  Then, he ...WHAT?...he accepts the nomination?  I thought Hillary won.  What's going on here?  What was all this Clinton stuff about for the past two nights? 

Okay, so it's Obama.  I just realized that he made a TERRIBLE choice in vice president.  So many people already think this guy is a Muslim (he is NOT) but did anybody notice what an Obama-Biden sign looks like at quick glance?  Anyone?  BAD move.

Here is a summary of his speech.

I'll give him this.  He's eloquent.  Suave.  Well dressed.  Handsome devil, actually...kinda feels like I'm looking in a mirror.  Eerie.

He thanks the Clintons.  Applause.  Explains why John McCain sucks.  Applause.  Go 49ers!  Silence.  Whoops.  Wrong stadium.  The expected "McCain is 3rd term of Bush" part.  Applause.

Ok, what I've been waiting for - WHAT is the change?  He will CUT taxes?  Hmm.  Okay, ya got me.  What else?  Ten years to independence from foreign oil.  Sounds good, but how?  150 billion invested in renewable sources of fuel.  A list of McCain's votes in the energy arena.  Note to McCain - better off to have no experience - then they've got nothing to use against you.

Keep jobs here in America.  Provide world class education to our children.  Shot of Michelle.  She's playing Nintendo DS.  Barack says ability with some strange southern accent I've never heard before.  Clinton must really be getting to him.

Healthcare.  Lower premiums if we have it?  Coverage like Congress gives themselves?  End of discrimination against the sick?  Better family leave?

Some tough talk on Bin Laden and McCain's preoccupation with Iraq instead of Afghanistan.  Bush did dumb things  - McCain will follow.  Promise to only send troops in when necessary and a pledge to provide all the supplies they need.  America's promise for the future.  Standing ovation.

Patriotism has no party.  Camera shows a woman wearing really stupid glasses.  Bipartisanism.  Reduce of unwanted pregnancies.  Uphold the 2nd amendment while keeping AK-47s out of the hands of criminals.  Gays deserve to live free of discrimination.  

Obama makes some very good points in his speech, but it is important to remember now, as it will be next week, that these are pre-written speeches.  McCain will have one too.  And I'm sure the content of his will be good, as well.  For me, what these speeches do is show me the candidate's charisma, eloquence, and ability to reach the people.  Not surprisingly, Barack Obama scores high in all of those categories.  Next week, we will find out about McCain.  But to find out about their actual knowledge and beliefs, I think we need to wait for the debates.

I've sworn that I am truly an independent but the Democrats have pushed me Republican during this campaign.  Many of you do not believe that.  To be honest, if Barack Obama can follow through with the things he said tonight - if they're not just words - I could be swayed.  It's a little over 2 months to the election - a lot can happen.

I know you're all waiting for a punch line..but sorry - I ain't got one.  No, really.  You can go now.  Shoo.  I want to go to sleep.

Seriously, are you still here?

You're being a little creepy.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, available at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers.

6:09 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Some FAN Mail for a Change!
Current mood: adored
Category: Life

 I officially received my first bit of fan mail this morning.  First, I'd like to say thank you to Ms. Gibson (relax Damian, not Deborah) for the very kind words and, with her permission (which I will promptly ask for at some point after I have already posted this) I would like to post her letter.  My comments are in bold.

"Dear Mr. Braun (I'm not sure if this is because she is polite, calling somebody J.E. sounds stupid, or she thinks I'm old, but I'll go with polite - after all she's British and they're ALL polite),

Your blog is, so far (she's hedging her bets here, leaving herself room to backpedal, should the quality of my work suffer an unparalleled collapse), the only thing I have found worth reading on the FB Blog application (she had me at hello).

The many, many minutes (I was aiming for "minutes" of reading with "hours" of contemplation - I'll accept just minutes, though) it has helped me to while away which were supposed to be spent doing something "productive", i.e. stupid and boring, have been, in my humble opinion, much better spent reading your doodah (not being British, I'm not sure what this means.  The closest point of reference I have in American English is 'doody' and even though that may not be a compliment, come on, who can't laugh when somebody says 'doody'). 

I even have the urge (notice she has not committed - but that's cool.  I'll take an urge!) to go out and buy your book due to your shameless namedropping (does this girl know me or what?).

I suppose this counts as fan mail. Congrats!"

I'm not so sure that I shamelessly promote my book, Paranoia, available at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers, but I guess I do push it.  This letter was the first thing I read this morning when I turned the computer on.  What a thing to wake up to!  So, Ms. Gibson, I appreciate your email and welcome you aboard!

Unfortunately, I also received a bit of hate mail yesterday:

"Dear Scrotum (this was my first indication that it would not be as pleasant as Ms. Gibson's),

I am in the food industry and did not appreciate your "game" yesterday.  Do you know how hard waiters work? (Yes, I waited tables at Chili's, Park Place Restaurant, and The Mojave Grill  - working hard is not an excuse for, I believe the technical term is, sucking.)  Waiters are often college students looking to make a few extra bucks (and as part of the intellectual community, should be able to know that $12 is too much change from a $20 bill when paying $12).  Your games are stupid (newsflash!), rude (gasp!), and stupid (seriously, would a thesaurus be too much to ask?).

The next time you come into my restaurant, I will be sure to spit on your burger.

Sincerely,

Bobby Flay

P.S. - I just read your book, Paranoia, which is available at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers and, damn, was it phenomenal!"

This guy obviously knows nothing about the food industry, but man does he have incredible taste in books.

NOTE - for those of you who read my blog yesterday, independent of Mr. Flay's letter, I am having second thoughts.  I went to Red Lobster last night with the in-laws.  Um.  Apparently, not everybody enjoys the waiter games.  Especially, the Red Lobster management.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, availa....oh, never mind.

9:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Little Fun With Your Friendly Neighborhood Waiter
Current mood: full
Category: Life

Ok, quick, I don't have much time.  Been in a meeting all morning and have another one in a little while, so let's get to it.  I just returned from lunch with a colleague after a meeting.  While at lunch, I was inspired to invent a game to be played while receiving bad service at a restaurant.  Here are the rules.

1) When more than one waiter comes over to take your order, order something completely different from each, then deny ordering either.  Insist that you ordered the veal.  Even if they don't have veal.  5 points for completing.  10 for getting served both meals.  20 for ending up with a third option.

2) If your waiter disappears and does not come back to the table for extended periods of time,  walk boldly into the kitchen, throwing the doors wide open.  When he looks at you collapse to your knees, hug him, and yell something like, "Mark, I've missed you so!"  Make sure you use the wrong name.  When he says his name isn't Mark, slowly stand up and avoid eye contact with everyone.  Mumble, "Well, this is awkward" and leave the restaurant.  This is best to do before getting the bill.  5 points if you accidentally get his name right.  10 if you don't.  20 if you get to leave without paying.

3) If your waiter does not respond to being flagged down or shows up to the table next to you, but completely ignores you, pull your table up to the table to which he pays attention.  Offer a courteous, "You don't mind, do you?" but don't wait (or even pretend to care) for an answer.  See how long it takes for one of them to send you away.  5 points if you get served anything at the joint table.  10 if you get them to pick up the bill. 20 if they drive you home.

4) If the order was put in incorrectly, came out wrong, or something was missed, suggest you "send it all back and start over."  Order dessert.  Just when they think they got off easy, order your meal.  Then an appetizer.  If anything is wrong, start over from the beginning.  Refuse to pay anything that was a result of the original mistake and claim, "If you would train your own people, I would not have to do it for you."  Take the bill and cross it out.  On the back, make up an invoice for consultant's services.  5 points for ordering the reverse meal.  10 points for each time you restart.  20 for getting away with not paying. 50 if they pay you for your services.  (Hint:  If the waiter seems hesitant, let him in on a little secret that you are a secret shopper but, Shhh! you're not supposed to tell anyone).

5) If they bring you too much change, stand up and yell, "Don't tell me my money is no good here!  I am a U.S. Citizen, damn you.  I can eat anywhere I damned well please!  Except within 500 yards of anywhere where children gather."  10 points for this if you leave out the last line.  100 if you include it.

This should provide you at least an hour's worth of entertainment and the people around you will truly appreciate you for making their night better than they could have hoped.  Now, as far as what to do with the points...well, I guess add them up or something.  Do I have to do everything for you?

10:51 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Whoa! OK! You are Shooting a Gun at Your Imaginary Friend Near A Van Full of Nitroglycerin!
Current mood: silly
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I know you all missed me, but were just too embarrassed to say it, so I'll save you the trouble and say, even though it was only a day, I'm glad to be back writing my blog.  Now that we got that awkward moment out of the way, we can get back to business!

Actually, before I start - I was listening to Kid Rock's song, "All Summer Long" on the radio this morning and, look, it's really catchy and despite the fact that it's Sweet Home Alabama with different words and Werewolves of London mixed in (which, if you've seen my past blogs, you know my feelings on...) I still like it.  But I heard these lines today, "We were trying different things, We were smoking funny things."

Hm.

I may be a writer, but I'm no poet, so maybe I'm wrong, but wasn't one of the first rules of rhyming that a word doesn't rhyme with itself...I mean, technically it does, but aren't you supposed to be a little more clever than that?  I understand that things is a difficult word to rhyme (sings, flings, slings, bings - Chandler or the cherries - whichever) but no, he goes with...things.  How about, We were having sex on swings, we were smoking funny things?  See?  Clever. 

How's that working for you?

What's that?

Being clever (For those of you not following along with this little conversation with myself, you must watch Fight Club - no, go ahead, I'll wait).

Speaking of Fight Club, twice this weekend I heard movie quotes that I loved, so I figured I'd compile some of my favorites and give a little explanation as to why they are favorites.  Here goes:

10 - (Oh, these are in no particular order, I just like to number things):  Fight Club: When people think you're dying, they actually listen, instead of waiting for their turn to speak.  - This one really hits home for me.  Not because nobody listens to me - no, I make sure people listen to me by speaking louder than they do and increasing in volume until they stop speaking - so I'm good there.  This strikes home because I catch myself sometimes thinking something like, "Wow, I hope they finish their silly little story about losing their entire family to a freak bout of contagious pancreatic cancer, so I can tell them about that time I accidentally got a contact high and had no idea what was happening - 'cause that was funny."

4 - Tombstone: Are you gonna do something or are you just gonna stand there and bleed? Seriously, just how badass is this?  Wyatt Earp (the cool Kurt Russell version, not the pansy-ass Kevin Costner version) slaps some bully around then says this to him.  One of the great westerns of all time in my opinion.  Though, this and Wyatt Earp may have been the only two I've seen.

8 - Braveheart: All men die, but not all men truly live.  How true is this? We spend our lives worrying about dying - sometimes to the point where we don't enjoy living.  Look at the Quakers.  I mean, sure they went wild and invented some good oatmeal, but other than that, they just hid in fear of God their entire existence.  In fact, I don't even think they had anything to do with the maple syrup and brown sugar.  Geez.  They just sucked all around didn't they?

22 - Jerry Maguire: You complete me.  No, ha...seriously.  Had ya goin', though. 

3 A Christmas Story: I could pick two dozen of these without blinking, but I think it's up in the air between,"Randy lay there like a slug.  It was his only defense." and "You used up...all the glue...on PURPOSE!"  I'm sorry, there's just no explanation needed for this movie.  If you're unsure of the humor behind the lines, watch the movie.  I hear they might play it on Christmas Eve this year. 

So there you have a little insight into my brain.  Scary huh?  Aren't you glad I'm back? 

9:41 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Really, What More Can You Do?
Current mood: focused
Category: Life

It has recently been brought to my attention that some of you did not get the memo that you had been recruited to be part of my marketing squad.  I'm sorry you missed that, but unfortunately, it's too late - there's no turning back.  However, I will do my best to ease your pain with a little blog I like to call, 101 Ways to help sell copies of Paranoia.

Now, don't be scared off.  There are nowhere near 101 ways in this blog.  This is a lie.  Which brings us to our first helpful hint: 

1) Lying = Successful Marketing.  No need to burden yourself with the truth.  Hell, look at my blogs.  You are all thoroughly entertained (or at least I like to tell myself that - again, possibly a lie), yet not a single fact was ever checked and, often, I know they're not right.  You can apply this same logic to selling the book.  You don't even have to read it!  How easy is that?

2) There is no wrong time to mention my book.  Take this example.  You're walking down the street when suddenly you turn to the man behind you and scream, "You're not following me are you??"  You then squirt him in the face with pepper spray.  As he falls to the ground, swearing he was just going to get lunch, you say, "Sorry, Rabbi, I've just been a little paranoid lately...and speaking of paranoid..."  See?  Simple!  You can bet he's running right out to order it.  After the swelling around his eyes is reduced a bit.

3) There are inappropriate ways to bring up my book.  Poor Uncle Wally has just passed away.  People are lined up for miles to view him before he's finally laid to rest.  Don't run into the room yelling, "Hey, did anyone read Paranoia by J.E. Braun?  What a book!"  There is such a thing as a time and place for respect and decency.  Instead, place a copy of Paranoia in the casket and sneak into line with Aunt Mildred, go pay your respects with her and while you're kneeling quietly point out the book.  When she's done, go get in line with your cousin Barry.  So on and so forth.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

4) Write reviews on Amazon and BN.com.  Contrary to what you might think, I did not pay (many) people to review my book on Amazon and BN.com.  You can leave a review if you've read it or refer to helpful hint 1 and make something up.  Just please avoid signing it, J.E.'s Mother.  Or, J.E.'s College Roommate.  And so on.  Thanks to my mother and college roommate for fixing that.

5) Have a school fundraiser.  Somebody made the wonderful suggestion of getting a box of my books and selling them in an airport concourse, like a school kid selling chocolate as a fundraiser.  This would normally be a phenomenal idea - except, um..my book is about 9/11.  People getting on planes or dropping off loved ones?  Probably not the best of topics.  We can discuss other locations though!  Preferably places with captive audiences - like prisons.  Rehab facilities. The Democratic National Convention.

6) Make a large public spectacle.  Ever see one of those protestors that wraps themselves in a flag and sets themselves on fire?  I'm not saying to do that, but what if you went on national TV and yelled how more people needed to read Paranoia.  You could then douse yourself in gasoline, but you've secretly brought a lighter that doesn't work!  You've managed to spread the word and, besides a lengthy psychological evaluation and maybe being committed, no harm, no foul!  Unless a sympathetic passerby tosses a lit match your way...hmm...let's think on this one a bit.

7) Family and friends. Tell everyone.  On Facebook, send everybody to my fan page.  Tell people to read my blog.  This could do one of two things:  it could endear you to your family and friends who love that you were so thoughtful as to recommend something that they could so thoroughly enjoy or it could make the people closest to you hate you.  Either way, remember, the goal is sales.

So, there you have it.  7 ways to help sell my book - and, like I said, we're nowhere near 101.  7 is like, 20 or 30 less than 101.  Now get out there and sell!  The world will love you for it!  Seriously, would I steer you wrong?

J.E. Braun is, in case you didn't notice, the author of Paranoia and only 33 for 2 more days.  Paranoia can be found at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers.

9:09 AM - 11 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

It Boggles My Mind!
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Life

I need to vent.

As a writer - someone who takes words and pieces them together to create humerous anecdotes or poignant tales - you would think that I would be unstoppable at a game like, say, Boggle.

BUZZZZZZ.  Wrong!  Thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you.

See, my wife and I play a lot of Boggle.  Super Boggle, no less.  None of these pitiful little 3 letter words.  4 and above, damn you!  Go big or go home!

Ahem.  Anyway, we're a little competitive over it and actually keep track of the games.  Currently she is winning by a score of something like 647-12.  Sadly, I wish I was exaggerating.

Did you ever see The Matrix? 

Ok, you, over there who said, "No."  Yeah, you.  You can stop reading my blog.  Go.  Get lost.  I'm pretty sure you're a Communist anyway. 

For the rest of you, think back to the scene toward the end of the first movie, when Neo rises up after being shot and the agent is punching him at super speed, but he blocks every shot.  He looks bored.  He might as well be filing his fingernails.  I think he yawns.

Got that image in your head?  Good.  That is my wife playing me in Boggle.  I'm writing so fast there's smoke coming out of the tip of the pen.  I'm sweating, cursing myself for taking the time to stop and wipe my brow, but if I don't the sweat will run into my eyes.  My hand cramps up.  I've had to teach myself to be ambidextrous so as not to lose time.  And she's sitting over there saying, "I'm just going to use half the alotted time, okay?"

This is, to say the least, frustrating.  Sometimes I think I win.  But then we realize she missed a word and actually, no, I lost.  That's always fun.  I have tried not to throw the Boggle dice across the room.  It scares the children.

Sometimes when I think I've won, it's because she hasn't yet counted a word she made up.  Oh, yes, this is an uncanny talent she has.  Sometimes she'll put a word down like, oh, I don't know, pluygulitalismicism.  She reads it out loud.  I laugh.  She looks it up in the dictionary.  Wouldn't you know it?  It's some sort of extinct plant previously found in the deep recesses of Nairobi.  Hmm.  Then I decide to go a little nuts.  I put down a word like, oh, I don't know, stairs.  Nope.  Not a word. 

Sometimes, we have the same strange word, like bamboonication.  She looks it up - it's there!  I grab the dictionary, close it, look it back up.  It's gone.  She gets the points.  I don't.  I don't know how this works, but it does. Every time.

So, I'm studying.  I'm building my vocabulary.  I've got a roll of word-a-day toilet paper.  I've just purchased the Rosetta Stone software - to learn English.  Soon, all my hard work will pay off and I will win!  That or I'll slip a laxative into her coffee.  Either way, I will make it 647-13, with God as my witness, I will never lose Boggle again!

Ahem.

Did I mention we were competitive...?

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, available at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers.

9:01 AM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

I Don’t Like Blogging...I LOVE Blogging
Current mood: anxious
Category: Sports

I love Football (American Football...THE Football...the rest of the world needs to start calling their game Soccer - for God's sake, we had the name first!  Americans have been playing football since the peak of the Roman Empire.  I think that was Brett Favre's rookie year.  Now that we've got that straightened out, let's move on, shall we?).

Since I love football, I play fantasy football.  Now, I don't like fantasy football, I LOVE fantasy football.  There are a few reasons for this:

1) It involves gambling.  And I don't like gambling, I LOVE gambling.

2) Draft day includes: Beer, Pizza, White Diamond Burgers (those of you in the area know what I'm talkin' bout!), and 3 hours worth of 10 guys sitting around incessantly mocking one another.  And I don't like Beer, Pizza, White Diamond Burgers (those of you in the area know what I'm talkin' bout!), and 3 hours worth of 10 guys sitting around incessantly mocking one another, I LOVE Beer, Pizza, White ....oh, you get the picture.

3) You learn fun facts, like the younger brother of a guy in my league, who I graduated high school with, has gone back to college..at the age of 34..and has decided to try out for the football team.  Was this not enough, he has gotten the production company that filmed "Cinderella Man" to agree to produce a documentary about this.  Filming begins Thursday.

4) You get to sit around for hours on a Sunday yelling at a television.  This year, my daughter should be old enough to learn how to properly yell at a television.  Last year, she was only able to throw her hands up in the air and say, "Touchdown" and "Go Giants!"  We begin training this weekend.

5) Every game is interesting because either you have a player or the guy you're playing against has a player in the game.  What other reason would I, or anyone else for that matter, ever have to care about a game between Arizona and Cleveland?  Not even people in Arizona and Cleveland care about a game between Arizona and Cleveland.

This is just a small slice of the pleasure that comes from the game.  I do three leagues.  By the time I'm done, I have to root for every player on every team.  I've now officially drafted my first team.  I have an online draft Thursday and another in person draft on Saturday.  Now that I have a team, the anticipation for the season is at its peak.  The next 2 weeks will be like trying to remain clenched after an enema..and I don't like trying to remain clenched after an enema, I LOVE tryi... 

um..

i mean...

so...

how 'bout them Giants?

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, available at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers.

9:00 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

House for Sale - Bring Protection
Current mood: animated
Category: Life

Apparently, adult film actress Jenna Jameson has put her L.A. home on the market.  The pictures show a surprisingly classy home that is nicely decorated and well-kept.  Real estate agents warn, however, against turning on a blacklight unless you want rooms with furniture and walls that look like they were the scenes of grisly murders.  (Yeah, if you've ever seen CSI or watched one of those Dateline specials on hotel rooms, you know what I'm talkin' about!).

The house is said to have a "nice backyard" but hallways in both the front and back that seem like they should be tight are surprisingly roomy.  In fact, after the first time you enter either the front or back door, you almost feel like you could drive your car in there.

Since it is L.A., the home is earthquake-ready.  A large pole runs up the center of the home and, in the event of a tremor, the house can bounce up and down on the pole.  If you are going to purchase the home, you must keep this pole well lubricated.  Should you actually enjoy the feel of an earthquake, as the previous owner must have, you can set the pole to vibrate to mimic a tremor.

Also, exclusive to this home is its versatility.  Set on a rotating structure, the house can turn so that you never get bored with any one position.  Should you favor one position, shackles are available to secure the home in place.

Well...I've exhausted that one, haven't I?  Gotta keep this short today, got a full plate, but thought I wouldn't leave you completely un-entertained.  :)

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, available at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers.

9:00 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Where’s Godzilla When You Need Him?
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

Last night, I met Mothra. 

First, let me just say I'm hesitant to write this blog after PETA, in their neverending wisdom, went after Six Flags for a Live-Cockroach Eating Contest they had planned as part of Fright Fest.  Yes, PETA was defending cockroaches.  They claimed harming even the smallest of creatures could desensitize people to violence or some such crap.  But, in reality, I guess they're right.  Just last night I killed a moth and now today I have this urge to go set fire to a small village.  Oh, if it weren't for that crazy thing we call 'the law'...  Would it be poetic justice if those PETA members were nibbled to death by hissing cockroaches or would it just be really, really funny? 

So, at the risk of upsetting PETA, let me explain about Mothra.  See, anybody who's known me for any period of time knows that I'm not exactly fond of bugs.  Growing up in a household where your mother screamed at the sight of a housefly and called her mother up from downstairs to kill it, this will happen.  In fact, luckily, last week when we found a spider the size of Montana in my family room, that very same grandmother was staying with us and was given the opportunity to kill it.  Almost 88, God bless her, and she crawled right out of her iron lung and went after it.  Now, I know you're all thinking that I'm just an inconsiderate wuss, but, it's not like I didn't follow her around with the oxygen mask.  Come on.

Last night, however, with Nan back at my parents' house, I had to face down Mothra alone.  Now, being dubbed Mothra does not come easy.  This isn't given to any moth.  No, this was a death-defying moth.  At first, when I saw it on the wall of our bedroom, I toyed with the idea of leaving it there.  But then I had visions of it fluttering into my mouth when I slept, so I decided to kill it.  This was pretty ironic, because I think the irrational fear I have of killing bugs is that, no matter what type of bug it is, I think that at the last second it is going to jump up and get into my mouth.  Sure, closing my mouth would help, but then it would just suction itself to my eye, or sic a swarm of its friends on me.

So, now it's approaching midnight, I really needed to get to sleep, and I was standing on my bed with some crumpled toilet paper, slowly approaching the moth so it wouldn't see me.  Surprisingly, I grabbed it on the first attempt.  I ran to the bathroom and threw it in the toilet -

- at which point it flew OUT of the toilet and did a kamikaze right at my head.  I hit the deck.  I may have screamed like a school girl.  That moth was PISSED.

Much to my chagrin, it landed on the mirror.  Why is this bad you may ask?  Well now it could see me coming!  I was, at least, smart enough to shut the bathroom door so it didn't escape back to the bedroom.  So, there I was again, trying to sneak up on a moth, only this time I could see its disgusting underbelly, its legs, and I'm pretty sure it had lips - pulled into an evil grin.  Slowly, I closed in until - BAM.  I had it again. 

Ha, Mothra!  Who needs Godzilla???

I ran to the toilet, threw him in, shut the lid and flushed.  All proud of myself, I was ready to go to sleep.

But...

Something was nagging at me.  Had I seen movement before I closed the lid?  No.  Couldn't be, right?  Doubt was enveloping me.  I went back to the toilet...and slowly lifted the lid, expecting the moth to dive bomb again, but nothing moved.  I heaved a sigh of relief...but, just for good measure, there was still the seat...

I slowly lifted the seat and there he was that son-of-a-bitch.  This time he was laughing.  He stood on his hind legs and flexed.  Batted his wings a few times, too.

For all his pomp and circumstance, though, I wasn't sure who felt more stupid.  Me, for being unable to kill a moth, or him for being caught TWICE.  I mean, call me crazy, but after the first time a giant hand comes out of the sky, snags me with a huge wad of paper and throws me in a swirling vortex, AND I manage to escape, I'm hiding.  Anyway, at that point I vowed to get the little bastard.  My fears were diminishing, but only because I knew if I didn't get him this time, he would spend the night pecking at my eyeballs and fluttering around in my throat.  No, it had to be now.

With one swift motion, I got him again.  This time he crunched.  I found myself dancing around the bathroom...pointing at the floating remains in the toilet, yelling things like, "Booyah!" and "In your face, Mothra!"

I flushed the toilet and went to bed where my wife was sitting, just shaking her head.  It didn't matter, I'd won.  I lay in bed and let myself begin to drift off to sleep..

...until I heard the toilet lid pop open.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, available at BN.com, Amazon, and most major booksellers.

9:00 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Why Are You Voting for Obama?
Current mood: curious
Category: News and Politics

Important numbers to watch: 

Number of games by which Mets hold 1st Place: 1

There is nothing more satisfying then seeing the Mets in first place (even if you know they're going to manage to blow it by October) while the Yankees sit 9.5 games back in their division.  Ah, it's the little things in life.

Number of days until opening night of NFL: 20

In less than 3 weeks, my World Champion Giants return to the field after taking Tom Brady and the Pats and shoving all their "undefeatedness" down their throats.  However, in exactly 3 weeks, fickle fans will once again begin berating Eli and Tom Coughlin.  Honeymoon's over, boys!

Number of gold medals won by Americans: 14 (44 medals overall)

Americans lead the Olympics in medals overall, but fall far behind China in gold medals.  What happened?  Is every event ended by a ping-pong playoff?  Come on Americans, let's go!  By the way, is anybody else totally creeped out by the way those bathing suits make the women's upper bodies bulge out over the edges?  Watching them walk is kind of like seeing the alien walk past the alley at the kids' birthday party in Signs.  If I ever saw one of these women coming at me, I would curl up into the fetal position and wet myself.  If you could, however, just get a scissor to one of the edges, the sheer force of her body snapping back to normal shape could buy you enough time to run!

Price of Gas at Shell Station down the street: $3.45

I guess since it's below $3.50, I have to officially stop calling it $4/gallon gas.  Damn.  That sounds so much more depressing.  Still, I refuse to get excited yet and will sic Howie Mandel on anyone who does (see, that's what we in the biz like to call a "callback" - for more information read my "Every Time a Bell Rings..." blog).  Sorry, I've just been informed that I am not actually in "the biz" and I must refrain from claiming otherwise.

Amount of Money in Purse Homeless Man Found and Returned: $1000

That's right.  A homeless man who had been trying to save $700 to move into an apartment found $1000 but returned it.  The woman who lost the purse had 3 children and needed that money for rent, but had accidentally left her purse on top of the car at the store.  The woman then invited the homeless man to live with her, pitched it as a reality show, and signed contracts with Fox for $2 million.

Ok, that last part didn't happen, but how ridiculous is it that it was believable? No, in reality, the woman thanked the man for her money, offered a reward, then politely asked him to leave because he, "smelled like *bleep* and I wanted to puke."

Days Until Election: 81

In less than three months, millions of Americans will cast a vote for Barack Obama without being able to articulate a single reason why they are doing so (now, before you attack, I know there are many of you who do have reasons, but the majority of people voting for Obama, when asked why, cannot answer).  They simply state, "I'm ready for change" but cannot offer a single example of what change he intends to bring. 

Higher taxes?  Destroy our healthcare system?  More shutting off lights and microphones when the Republicans try to bring a vote to the floor of Congress?  Higher gas prices - don't forget, inflating your tires will save more energy than drilling can provide and he's stated he's in favor of higher gas prices? Ending the war in Iraq, or maybe not, or maybe, or maybe not?  Maybe he'll change the cabinet by appointing domestic terrorists or other radicals that he's friends with.  Maybe he'll change the Presidency by making race and issue where it's not (remember, he accused McCain's camp of being afraid that Obama would look different than all the other guys on the dollar bills when nobody on that side had said any such thing). 

I know there are issues that are important to some of you:  a Democratic regime is one that will be more supportive of gay rights, for example.  That's a good reason if you're gay and that weighs on you more heavily than the above issues.  That's understandable, it's your life you're talking about.  Aside from that, I'm having trouble coming up with a good reason, so feel free to comment and let me know why you're voting for him. 

Just, please, PLEASE, don't say, "I'm ready for a change."  If you do, I'll have to sic Howie Mandel on you (a callback to a callback, SWEET!).

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