Barack Hussein Obama
Current mood: argumentative
Category: News and Politics

No satire tonight, friends.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you! Can you please shut the "f" up so I can write to you tonight, here on the cusp of history?

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you! Shut up! Please!

Thank you! Shut your fucking mouths please! I know that my blog is the greatest in history, and I thank you for that, now could you kindly shut up so I can write?

Did you catch The Speech? I will provide a link to it once those FatCats on YouTube get off their fat asses and give us a video of the speech.

I have a dream that one day people of all races will be able to come together and post a YouTube speech on their blog that ended only FOUR...HOURS...AGO!

I have a dream that one day people will come together and WATCH the political candidates instead of watching pre-Season NFL football!

Anyway.

Did you watch Obama's speech?

The first half sounded like Bill Clinton. It was surreal.

The second half provided the real meat, and Obama came out and showed why he has inspired jaded political junkies such as myself.

I cannot recall a major political candidate from either party in the last 20 years telling the people of America that they have a responsibility to take care of themselves.

How many times have you and your buddies sat around drinking until 4 AM talking about all the things you'd say if you were running for President?

Obama will never meet the expectations of the 4 AM crowd, but he's come the closest of anyone I've ever seen.

Think about it. He said specifically that you, as a citizen, need to step up and help make America great.

What?

I thought Presidential candidates were supposed to just promise me my cake and the opportunity to eat it, too?!?!

Did Bush the Younger ever ask America to make sacrifices? Did we pay higher taxes to support the wars? Did we buy War Bonds? Were meat and vegetables and gas rationed for the War Effort?

A war without sacrifice is extremely easy to support. It is just a checkmark you make on a piece of paper.

Young people can go overseas and die and we are okay with that so long as we pay $200 less in taxes than we did the year before.

Moving on....

Did you watch the speech?

I think it may have been one of the finest speeches ever.

"Well you're just a liberal apologist, Dr. Jeff, so your opinion doesn't matter!"

Say the last sentence in a gruff voice. Trust me, it will gain more traction that way.

I don't support either party. I hate the Republicans and I hate the Democrats. I don't give a lick about either.

I support America first. I support candidates who have the potential to be statesmen (or women).

I can list a number of members of both parties that I love; I can list a number of both parties that I hate.

Those who've been reading this blog for the last 4 years know that I don't care about party.

Yes, for the record, I support Obama in this election. I don't necessarily think he will be a "great" President, and I will slam his ass just as hard as I slammed Bush the Younger when he fucked up. I'm licking my chops to criticize Obama the President.

But for right now, at this time, Obama just made a speech that people will be talking about and studying for decades. I truly believe this. I just wish those assholes over on YouTube would get the video up so I can post a link.

Listen to Obama tonight and listen to McCain next week. Who do you want to be President? I don't much care who you vote for, but please vote. 

Currently listening : Shout at the Devil By Mötley Crüe Release date: 2003-04-08

6:12 AM - 12 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

DNC Convention Review
Current mood: amused
Category: News and Politics

DNC Convention Review

I wrote the following 5 talking points on Sunday. I was going to publish them here but didn't have the time. Let's look at the talking points and see how I did:


5 Talking Points Questions Going into the Demo Nat Conven'n

5) Obama's uppityness. How much do we really know about this man? More importantly, how much are we going to judge him on race? Obama best not act too white nor acks too black neither. Thank God we live in a country that has gotten past our racial divisions to the point where we can continually invent new ones.

4) Obama's anger. You know how black people are, right? I have no idea WHY they are angry, but all I do know is that it has no place in this convention. The SLIGHTEST expression of emotion from Obama will be a sign that he is a typical angry negro.

Sorry, I meant to write "Negro". It angers the Negroes not to capitalize it, you know.

3) Can Biden correctly pronounce "Barrack Obama" during his VP speech? He sure couldn't during his VP acceptance speech in Illinois.

2) Can Michele Obama sell herself as a modern-day Oprah?

1) Can the Clintons come in and take over the Convention in a manner that both destroys Obama's candidacy yet still sets themselves up to be the frontrunners in 2012? This is the 1 thing I will be looking for in this Convention.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Now let's evaluate things after Day 3.

5) I think Day 1 went out of its way to show that Barrack Obama will not, in fact, rape all of our daughters. In fact, he has daughters of his own that love him. His wife appeared on stage without visible bruises and gave a loving tribute to the man with the funny name. All of this, plus Jimmy Carter, gave us a boring but important Day 1. Obama's not the devil, and we need more Jimmy Carter's as statesmen.

4) We'll see tomorrow night.

3) Well, Biden pronounced Barrack Obama correctly 99% of the time and only made one major fumble. He declared that McCain was going to give a bunch of taxes to the rich and powerful and the corporations they run, when in fact he meant to say "tax-cuts". No major gaffes in his speech overall. I found it curious that he chose to say things like, "Obama is going to create a better America" rather than "we will create a new America". Generally Presidents and VP's run as a team, and I never heard him say "we".

As a side note, did you hear Kerry's speech? If THAT Kerry had run in '04, he'd have destroyed Bush the Younger. I guess four years of being beaten down upon made him grow a pair.

2) Yes. If the racists and '60's White Feminists conspire to defeat Obama in November, I think Michelle could have a career ahead of her in soft-core afternoon woman-talk. Frankly, I could barely understand 99% of what she was saying. It was all "feeling" this and "intuition" that. It would have been nice if the DNC had offered subtitles for the males watching at home.

1) Never misunderestimate the Clintons. They did both. Hillary set herself up as a 1) a leader in Congress should Obama win or lose, 2) a front-runner in '12 should Obama lose and 3) the person who put women on the moon.

Bill actually surprised me. He was, perhaps for the first time in his life, Presidential. He supported Obama without reservation and without going overboard about how great he had been as a President. He blasted the GOP without naming names. It was almost....what's that word....dignified? Now we all now that Bill is a friend to ALL black people NOT named Obama, but I thought he did a pretty good job putting aside personal differences for the good of the party.

As you all know, tomorrow's Obama speech will be at the "Big Boy" stadium, where the 1st Class Denver Bronco fans go every Sunday to cheer on their disappointing team to (maybe) a Wild-Card birth every other year.

The pundits are predicting a tame Obama speech that plays it to the vest and blah blah blah. People, listen to me: He didn't move it to a gigantic outdoor stadium to give a ho-hum speech. You are going to see a rousing speech with peaks and valleys and populism galore. I'm not saying this is good or bad, I'm just saying that Obama's about to show the world just how great an orator he is. Fortunately, the stadium doesn't have a roof, because if it did, he'd blow it off tomorrow.

That's my review and my predictions for tomorrow. Have at it!

Currently listening : Duran Duran (The Wedding Album) By Duran Duran Release date: 1993-02-23

6:04 AM - 15 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

Clarifying My Answer to Your Question
Current mood: triumphant
Category: News and Politics

Last week, on Tuesday, August 12, I was asked a question here on this blog that I couldn't answer. I'd like to take the opportunity to finally answer that question.

The question was posed to me by none other than Laura, one of my favorite bloggers and also one tough cookie. She never hesitates to ask the tough questions (which I find adorable), and the one she asked me was quite a doozy.

Here's the transcript so you don't have to look it up.

DR JEFF: (continued)....and that's why if we start drilling offshore, gas prices will be back to only $2 a gallon by the time we win the War on Terror!

LAURA: Yeah, maybe we should drill offshore, but wouldn't any increase in supply and theoretical decrease in price be offset by ever-increasing global demand? So in other words, wouldn't gas, at best, stay about the same price?

DR JEFF: Thank you for your question! You are an amazing American, and we need more Americans like you. We need you in Panama City, in South Padre Island, in Ft. Lauderdale and all the other great cities in this greatly awesome nation of beautiful, beautiful people. To answer your question, maybe that is so, but also consider the fact that I am the only candidate in this election who doesn't dye his or her hair, respectively. Uh. Yes. Yes, we need a President who will fight to lower the price of a box of gas.

LAURA: One more question, sir. How-

DR JEFF: Go ahead.

LAURA: Yes sir, you-

DR JEFF: Go ahead, shoot.

LAURA: My question is-

DR JEFF: You can certainly ask me whatever you want. Your question please, missy?

LAURA: Yessir. How many houses do you own?

DR JEFF: Can I get back to you on that one?

LAURA: Uh, I guess...

DR JEFF: Great. Hey I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about the flag....

[end transcript]


Well, Laura, first of all I'd like to tell you that that's a great skirt you're wearing today. And secondly I'd like to answer your question.

After careful consultation with my staff, my wife and foreign lobbyists, I have concluded that the number of houses I own is either zero or a billion, or possibly some number in between.

Well, my fellow Americans, I hope that clears things up. Below you will find a form where you can contribute $20, $50, $100 or $500 to the cause.

Currently listening : Duran Duran (The Wedding Album) By Duran Duran Release date: 1993-02-23

6:12 AM - 11 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday Afternoon Discussion: States’ Rights
Current mood: curious
Category: News and Politics

Today I want to throw out a discussion topic for all of ya'll to weigh in on.

As you all know, the USA was founded on the principle of sovereign states coming together to form a union. When the union was formed, the states held on to a certain degree of power that allowed them to run things in-state the way they saw fit. The Federal Government's job was basically to handle foreign affairs (military, diplomatic,  etc.), deliver the mail and to arbitrate disagreements amongst the states.

States' Rights were handed a pretty big blow by one Abraham Lincoln, and the 20th century saw a continual decline of States' Rights vis-a-vis the Federal Government.

If you are a proponent of the Federal Government's preeminence, then you have to answer why the Fed's should control seemingly local issues like education.

If you are a proponent of States' Rights, then you have to answer why Jim Crow laws shouldn't have been eradicated by the Federal Government.

Personally, I waffle on this debate. When it suits me, I support States' Rights. When it suits me, I support Federal preeminence.

While the power of the individual States has unquestionably declined, we still deal with issues where the States and the Federal government come into conflict. Most recently this situation presents itself in the cases of Gay Marriage and Medical Marijuana initiatives.

What do you think should be the ideal or appropriate balance of power between the States and the Fed's? Do you favor the arrangement that was set up by the Constitution, or do you feel that we have evolved beyond that?

Let's hear it.

Currently listening : Shout at the Devil By Mötley Crüe Release date: 2003-04-08

9:53 PM - 11 Comments - 19 Kudos - Add Comment

I Need you all to please read this
Current mood: nauseated
Category: News and Politics

No satire today. Nothing funny.

I'm giving you a link to an article that is as long as it is disturbing. You need to read it, however, because it affects each and every one of you. Please take the time to read this article. I don't care whether you comment on this blog or not, just please read this article.

I cry tonight for Abou Keita and Saliou Diallo.

~jeff

Currently listening : We Are The World: U.S.A For Africa By Various Artists Release date: 1990-10-25

4:56 AM - 15 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

Shaking Hands With McCain
Current mood: curious
Category: News and Politics

Currently listening : One of the Boys By Katy Perry Release date: 2008-06-17

6:18 AM - 17 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

You are up to bat....what will you say?
Current mood: curious
Category: News and Politics

Here's the scenario: You are at a rally or some other situation in which you have a chance to shake Barrack Obama's hand. You have 10, yes 10, seconds to tell him something. What do you say?

You can print a diatribe that goes on forever, but the question of the day here is:

"What would you say if you had just ten seconds to talk to Obama?"

Have at it!

[Sex, we want some truth here, not your usual funnybusiness.]

Currently listening : MLK:MARTIN LUTHER KING TAPES By Martin Luther King Jr. Release date: 1980-01-01

6:50 AM - 20 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

9/11
Current mood: anxious
Category: News and Politics

Do you believe in the conspiracy theories that 9/11 was an inside job? Do you generally believe in the official story but believe that the government fudged some details? Or do you believe that the official story is true?

I want to know your opinion. Let's have a discussion, but please keep it CIVIL and please don't start making personal attacks on people who have an opinion that differs from you.

Currently listening : Shout at the Devil By Mötley Crüe Release date: 1999-06-01

8:36 PM - 29 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Birthday Blog: Proof of my Specialness or Just More Fun With Numbers?
Current mood: thankful
Category: Friends

I hate, HATE, posting two blogs in a 24-hour time-span. I know there are a lot of people here on MySpace who are prone to posting upwards of 6 blog-posts in a day, but I find that the two posts compete with themselves and neither post gets the attention it deserves.

So why am I posting 2 blogs back-to-back? Because it is my Birthday, and I'll do whatever the hell I want, thank you.

You don't know me and I probably don't know you, so this post is not some pathetic attempt to get a bunch of strangers to say "Happy Birthday" to me. Thank you, but this will have little effect/affect on my life.

That being said, I realize that I am not a particularly open person. I rarely talk about myself in this blog and I constantly get MySpace Messages asking me about "what I'm like in 'real life'".

Well, in "real life" I'm actually surprisingly similar to how I am on my blog. I'm a complete asshole who somehow cultivates a lot of friends (readers) and I remain astonished that anyone would ever want to be my friend (subscribe). I have been blessed in this life to have the greatest set of friends that anyone could ever wish for. If I put my set of friends up on EBay, I'd probably get around $30 million dollars. I'm dead serious. My friends are amazing. I can't believe they like me.

Do my friends read my blog? No. They aren't that cool. Let me let you in on a little secret: Whenever you read one of my blogs and read the comments, you can practically bet your life that NONE of the commentators will be someone I've ever met. This blog is me and my readers. I love you and I thank you!

The reason I'm writing this, however, is because I want to tell you something about myself that I think is kinda cool. Maybe you won't think it is that cool, and that's fine, but don't ever accuse me of "never opening up" like one person who recently messaged me accused.

I was born on August 1st, 1979.

08/01/79

I was born at 8:01 AM.

08:01

And my birth weight?

8 pounds, 1 ounce.

08.01

I don't think about this very often anymore, but I always think about it on my Birthday. For the record, I don't think it means anything and I don't believe in "numerology", but I think it is kinda cool that 0801 came up three times in my birth.

What do ya'll think? And do any of you have some cool number coincidences associated with your life? I want to hear about them!

I love ya'll, my readers! Thank you for reading and supporting this blog! It means a lot to me and I will never be able to repay your kindness.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Friday and an Awesome Weekend! God Bless!!!!

Currently listening : Primal Scream By Mötley Crüe Release date: 1991-08-22

6:01 AM - 8 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

We live in a Douchebag world, baby!
Current mood: curious
Category: Life

We live in a Douchebag world, baby!

You know who's a real douchebag? You. You know who else is? Me. Anyone else? Yes, that guy! I have come to the conclusion that every single person on earth is a douchebag. This conclusion didn't come easy; It came at the end of a long, hard dark road. Okay, let's back up a bit. Why don't we just start at the beginning?

The term "douchebag" is not new. Anthropologists recently uncovered a clay pot in what is now called AlQuaedastan that featured the word in Sanskrit. This is an old, old word. The word is enjoying quite a renaissance right now, however. Everyone is using it. I hear it on the radio, on the TV box, from my friends and I read it in blogs all the time.

"That guy's a douchebag!"

"Here's today's 'Douchebag of the Day'!"

"What a douche!"

It has gotten to the point where Summer 2008 will forever be "The Summer of the Douchebag" in my mind. I cannot go six hours without hearing or reading the word "douchebag". If I ever went so long as five and a half hours without hearing or reading the word, I'd quickly check up on hotchickswithdouchebags.com to get my fix.

This term is thrown around as casually as any mindless cliche that I can remember.

"Hey I know he's your friend and all, but you have to admit that guy is kinda a d-bag."

What?

1st of all, what exactly is a "douchebag"? Every time I ask someone to define the term, our conversation goes something like this:

SOMEONE: That guy is such a douchebag!

ME: What's a douchebag?

SOMEONE: Huh?

ME: Seriously, what is a douchebag to you?

SOMEONE: You know, a total douche.

ME: Oh, I see. Thanks for the clarification.


My quest for knowledge took me to UrbanDictionary. I found 82 different definitions for "douchebag". Eighty-two.

2nd of all, who isn't a "douchebag"? Nobody thinks they are one, but if you show me a person I will show you ten people who will testify in court that that person is, in fact, a "douchebag". I sleep well at night with the knowledge that probably 500 people think I'm a "douchebag".

Hey, did you score a date with that hot chick? Guess what, all the guys that want to date her think you're a "douchebag"! Did you try to date her and strikeout? Welcome to the "d-bag" club, bro! We meet every Thursday night.

Is your hair a little funny? Do you drive a weird car? Do you host your own TV show? Do you breathe oxygen?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, guess what, you are a "douchebag"!

So what is a "douchebag"? I don't really know how to define the word, and nobody else does either, but it seems to me that the definition of the word cannot exclude using the word itself.

So I'm a douche, you're a douche, everyone is a douche. Congratulations, everyone!

Just for fun, I want to challenge all of you to give your own definition for what "douchebag" means. If you are lazy, then find your favorite definition from UrbanDictionary and share it with us.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some sand in my vagina that needs a good washing-out. I just wish there was a product that would remove the sand AND make my vagina smell like "New Car Scent".

Currently listening : Best of Vanilla Ice By Vanilla Ice Release date: 2008-04-15

6:01 PM - 16 Comments - 23 Kudos - Add Comment

Family Values
Current mood: curious
Category: News and Politics

Family Values

Family Values are super duper important to me, both in my personal life but exclusively in my voting life.

I believe that my tax dollars should go to support Family Values, and there are currently a bunch of moochers on the system who do not support Family Values.

I, for one, am tired of all the moochers on our system. No, I'm not talking about Israel or Korea or Germany or Japan or any of the other nations we creatively subsidize.

I am talking about the people who reside in these good ol' United States of America who take us taxpayers to the cleaners.

No, I am not talking about the National Defense Industry, or Congress or any of the other entities that we give money to without thought.

No, today I am here talking about the real culprits in the scam to steal American tax dollars.

No, I am not talking about welfare mothers who drive Cadillacs, artists who raise our taxes by $10 every decade (collectively) to create art I don't understand or PBS shows that I don't watch because they are too intellectual.

Today, my friends and non-critical supporters, I am talking about orphans.

Orphans, especially when they are still children, contribute almost nothing to this country and yet we tax-payers have to subsidize them at every turn.

These orphans cannot go to the doctor or buy school supplies without pigging out at the trough that is the "American Taxpayers' Buffet".

Before we go any further, I want to state for the record that I love orphans. I even have a friend who is an orphan and he will tell you that I have always been plenty nice to him.
 
That being said, I hate orphans. All they do is take, take, take. They are like black people, only it isn't okay to say the things I'm saying about orphans about black people.

Honestly, though, when is the last time an orphan did something for you?

*listen to the tumbleweeds whistle by*

Yet, you, Johnny Taxpayer regularly give up to ten cents a year to support the orphans in this country!  When is enough, frankly, enough?

All the while we are all collectively spending dollars upon dollars each and every year supporting these orphans without question, there is still a question that rumbles in my mind like last night's Taco Bell rumbles in my tummy.

How can we, a nation committed to Family Values, be expected to subsidize these little bastards when, truth be told, they don't even have a family?

I ask you: How can you have Family Values if you do not have a family?

Answer me this and I will enter you into a lottery to win my candy factory when I die.

   
 

Currently listening : The Odd Couple By Gnarls Barkley Release date: 2008-03-21

9:26 PM - 19 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

Blogger Bowl XXL
Current mood: excited
Category: Blogging

Blogger Bowl XXL

It is that time again, folks!  Blogger Bowl time!  Yours truly will be hosting the event this year. I was selected by the Official MySpace Bloggers Council to be the host, and I just want to take this opportunity to thank the Council for bestowing this honor upon me. I hope that I can live up to the extremely high standard set by all the other Blogger Bowl hosts that preceded me.

Let me break down all the rulez for you.

1)  You must submit exactly one (1) blog that you've written in the last 17 years. Send me a MySpace message with the title, category and URL of your amazing blog post. We realize that it will be difficult to pick just one, since every little thing you write's like magic, but that's just the way it is. I will then compile a blog with a list of all the blogs so people can vote.

2) This rule is a new one, so pay attention! In previous Blogger Bowls, anyone could enter. NOT THIS YEAR!!!! This year, everyone MUST enter, or your profile will be deleted and your cat will be strangled. If you don't own a cat, one will be provided for you at your expense and then strangled.

3) Noone can vote for themself unless they have a second profile. This rule will be stricktly en4ced!

4) This is NOT a writing contest!  We couldn't possibly give less of a rat's ass if your entry is good or not. All we care about is who can get the most people to copy and paste a vote for them. In fact, we will do absolutely nothing to encourage or compel the voters to read all the blogs before voting. This is a POPULARITY CONTEST, people!  Some people will point out that MySpace already has a feature that ranks blogs on a daily basis based on popularity and that Blogger Bowls are utterly redundant and severely pointless. These people should be ignored and ridiculed.

5) The ultimate goal of this contest is to bring both popularity and accolades to MY blog. Why else would I host this sham of a "competition"? For my health??


So now that you know the rulez, here are the Categories that you can enter:

1) Newz that u can uze

2) Why old people shouldn't drive

3) Poetry

4) Satire (as if anyone does on here does that). Don't enter this category. I will crush you.

5) Private Blogs. This category will pit the best Private Bloggers against each other to see whose private writing ability reigns supreme! (Note: none of the people voting will be able to read any of the blogs except the blogs they are voting for. This fits in well with the spirit of the contest!)

6) Humor. If you think that "Everybody Loves Raymond" is one of the top-1000 funniest sitcoms ever, don't bother entering this category.

7) Seriousness. Seriously, how seriously do you take yourself? The winner of this category will be the person who takes themself so super-duper seriously that...well, you get the idea. Seriously.

8) High School Popularity Contest. This category is reserved for people who were popular in High School.

9) Sex. Sex sells, and even though you aren't making any money off your ability to talk nasty sex-talk in your blog, you might just be able to win this one. For the first time ever, white people are allowed to compete in this category. Black Guys have won this one 27 straight years in a row, so let's see what happens.

10) Women. Since all the other 9 categories will be won by men, this one is just for the ladies! Ask your husband to submit one of your blogs and we will select the best LadyBlogger 2009! The winner of this category will receive a gift package that will include a bowling ball, a paint-ball gun and a one-year subscription to Hustler.

Get off your duffs and enter the contest!

Currently watching : Finding Nemo (Two-Disc Collector’s Edition) Release date: 2003-11-04

9:11 PM - 23 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment