Some Holyday Inspiration! ;)
Current mood: artistic

"When all was said and done and I was finally freed
from a reality that could not fit my soul
I made my passage into Truth.
Of this I speak.
I tell you of my journey that you may follow ...
if you choose."

~~ Paul, the main character of "Choosing Universes"

Love ya!

XO

Check out Lauren Zimmerman's books

Lauren's My Space

Currently listening : Worlds Collide By Apocalyptica Release date: 01 October, 2007

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Firestorm 2007
Current mood: grateful

One of my favorite photos.  I've posted a few pictures in my photo album Firestorm 2007.  It's sad, but beautiful at the same time.

Just letting family and friends know that I'm in a safe area.  I'm actually close to the water and downtown. So I'm well out of harms way. http://www.signonsandiego.com/firemap/

People are trying to compare this to Katrina, but it's hardly the same thing.  For one thing, it's mostly weathly homes that have burned... not to lesson the tragedy, but I'm sure most are insured. Of course, where they are gonna live,  and how long it  will take to get back to their normal lives etc... that's pretty awful.   But, only 1 or 2 people have died as opposed to over 1,000.  The roads are open, so people can actually drive to the evacuation sites or to friends and families homes. They have plenty of supplies and volunteers.  There are enough people who are unaffected by the fires, so they are able to volunteer and/or donate supplies. They were really good with the mandatory evacuations.  Using the reverse 911 system (good reason to keep a land line!).  My coworker was evacuated 5 hours before the fire entered her area.  They've been good at predicting which way the winds will carry the fires.

I actually worked a full day yesterday believe it or not.  Granted, most of the companies in my area where closed. The smell of burnt wood and inhaling the ash wasn't so pleasant. Today it looks like I'll be off due to a lack of clients. A lot of my clients live in the Rancho Bernardo and Scripps Ranch areas.  Hopefully they are ok.  The most awful thing is watching the local news as they scroll the addresses across the screen of the homes that have been lost to the fire.  Can you imagine seeing your address come up?  The horror.  However, last night I noticed that they were scrolling homes that have been saved as well.  That could get confusing.

I've certainly been more grateful than usual... having a warm bed to sleep in.  My own for that matter. My simple life seems so luxurious now.

10:54 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm baaaaaack
Current mood: energetic

Okay, so I've been on hiatus for more than a while. I've been kinda lathargic to say the least and not in the best of spirits. Well, lo and behold... I changed my eating habits and have started exercising again. I feel the best I've felt since I can remember. I have so much energy that I'm scarin' myself. I actually have been getting up at 6:30am to excercise, okay, so I go back to bed for a nap afterwards, but I'm workin' on it. Soon, I'll be able to stay up all through the morning. I never would've believed that it was my eating habits if I hadn't experienced it first hand. It's a fairly high maintanance routine, but it's worth it! Granted, I went through withdrawal for the first 3 or 4 days with a migraine... but all worth it.

I had an interesting dream last night. I was in a class room. My teacher was African American and so were all the other students. I was the only white student. They were singing. It was a Hymn class. I had the teacher in another class, but I wasn't sure I was in the right class. I didn't remember signing up for it. I told the teacher that, and she said, "you're in the right class". She handed me a book and said, "sing". So I was trying to sing this hymn, titled Almighty. Just one other girl and I were singing. I was wondering why it was just us. She had no problem singing it and sounded great. I was a little shy, but soon I found my voice and was singing from the heart.

I can only remember the chorus which was something like, "I'm building up from the inside out. I'm building up from the inside out. 'Cause I'm never going down again. No, I'm never going down again."

Hee hee. More later! XO

Currently reading : Body for Life: 12 Weeks to Mental and Physical Strength By Bill Phillips Release date: 10 June, 1999

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Waking Dreams: The Art of the Pre-Raphaelites
Current mood: giddy
Category: Art and Photography

I went to the exhibit in The San Diego Museum of Art in Balboa Park. Yay! I couldn't believe that they actually had my very favorite Pre-Raphaelite painting... Veronica Veronese. It was so cool to actually see a painting that I've loved for so long up close. It was one of the best in the exhibit. I didn't think it was going to be there because it didn't appear in the program. But, as I walked around the last corner, there it was!

Having lived in Chicago and gone to the art museums there, I've seen quite a few masters up close, but this one just moved me more than any others I've seen. I noticed some things up close like, the bird is not actually in the cage. The door is swung open and it is perched on the door outside the cage. It looks as if he originally painted the bird inside the cage, because the bird was obviously painted over the cage. You can see the faint lines on the bird. She also has a silver necklace and bracelet on that look very realistic. The necklace looks like a bunch of teeny yin or yang symbols. Just one half of the equation... interesting.

She apparently was an artist as well (must research). I was just so tickled to see her.

Of course Ryan thought she looked depressed. I think she's in deep contemplation. I just loved it! I still can't believe how emotional I got seeing her.




UPDATE: Ah Ha! I found more on her... No wonder I love her so much!

She's "the artistic soul in the act of creation"

The French quotation on the picture frame, supposedly from The Letters of Girolamo Ridolfi, was actually written by DGR or possibly Swinburne. It constitutes a kind of explanation of some of the picture's most important iconographical features: "Suddenly leaning forward, the Lady Veronica rapidly wrote the first notes on the virgin page. Then she took the bow of her violin to make her dream reality; but before commencing to play the instrument hanging from her hand, she remained quiet a few moments, listening to the inspiring bird, while her left hand strayed over the strings searching for the supreme melody, still elusive. It was the marriage of the voices of nature and the soul—the dawn of a mystic creation" (this is Rowland Elzea's translation of the French text on the picture frame). The "marriage" noted here is emblematically represented in the figure of the uncaged bird, which stands simultaneously as a figure of nature and of the soul.

Sarah Phelps Smith has explicated the picture's flower symbolism: the bird cage is decorated with camomile, or "energy in adversity"; the primroses symbolize youth and the daffodils (narcissi) stand for reflection or meditation. But David Nolta argues that the camomile is in fact celandine, which in herbal lore was a notable specific for diseases of the eyes. (Nolta's autobiographical reading of the picture is greatly strengthened by this view of the flower symbolism.)

Pictorial
The green velvet dress in the picture was borrowed from Jane Morris, the background drapery is a Renaissance brocade, the jewelry is Indian silver, the violin is from DGR's collection of musical instruments. The fan hanging at her side is the same as that which appears extended in Monna Vanna . The musical manuscript showing the first bars of a composition seems in debt to George Boyce, to whom DGR wrote in March 1872 asking if he "had any old written music & could you lend me such" (quoted in Surtees, A Catalogue Raisonné I. 128).

http://www.rossettiarchive.org/docs/s228.rap.html

Currently listening : American Doll Posse By Tori Amos Release date: 01 May, 2007

9:13 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Flaming June
Current mood: calm

I had an interesting dream last night. I was in a large room with a middle aged man and a very old woman. The room was large with wooden floors. I don't remember any furniture being in the room. It was fairly dark. I felt a wind begin to brew within the room. It was beginning to frighten me, when it lifted me up and held me in mid air. I was levitated in a lying position. I saw myself from an observer's perspective. I was wearing a brightly color orange chiffon type of gown. I was enjoying laying in space light that. It reminded me of the picture Flaming June by Lord Fredrick Leighton. (see below)

The next thing I remember is standing next to the old woman who looked very similar to myself. She wanted me to hug her. I was afraid to because I thought I might die if I did. She was scary looking. Like almost out of a horror film. Her skin was a dark ashen color and some of it was peeling of off her face. Still, despite her appearance and my apprehension, I felt a great love for her. I eventually gave in and hugged her. I didn't let go completely, but I knew I had passed an initiation.

After the hug, the man was telling me that I could now bring greatness to the world. I asked how, expecting him to give me specific instructions, like "write a book" or something. But, instead he said something to the effect of "You don't have to do anything. All you have to do is function." Function was the word he used. When he said that, I knew that he meant all I had to do was let go and not be afraid of the abyss and by not being afraid to enter into the abyss, I would change everything. He told me that I would be rewarded. And the things they told me I could have where things that I used to want more than anything, but ironically things that I do longer need. There are other things that bring me happiness and fulfillment now. As I was thinking about the rewards that I no longer needed, the dream began to fade and the man and woman started morphing into regular dream characters.




Last week I had a dream about that began with a black and white transformer tye alien ship. It landed and transformed into a tall building. It was half white and half black. There was a telescope type thing coming off the ship. It was watching me. I realized I was dreaming a began to float up and dance around in the air while the craft watched me. I was making geometical shapes with my body.

The next thing I knew, I was somewhere else and this beautiful song was playing. I still recognized that I was dreaming and new that the song did not exist in "reality". I wanted to remember the song so bad. I was searching for paper to write it on. I figured if I could write it down in a dream, I would have a better chance of remembering it when I woke up. Of course, I searched and searched and couldn't find a scrap of paper! When I did finally find something, the pen wouldn't work. The song was singing the whole time I was looking, then slowly faded away. I continued on in the dream walking around a wherehouse type of place meeting with people when suddenly, the song came back. I was surprised I had never had a song repeat itself in a dream. I searched frantically for some paper and I finally found a yellow pad shaped like a lion. I was watching myself write down the lyrics. I was certain that I would remember. I had a thought that maybe I could manifest the paper in "reality" Maybe I could bring it back with me. But, the song abruptly faded. I now had the lyrics, but couldn't remember the melody. A girl appeared singing the song. As she sang, the song came back for a third round! The girl was singing, trying to help me remember, but she was getting too emotional. I took one look at the lyrics and could feel myself beginning to wake up. I held them in my mind as long as I could, but as soon as I passed the threshold of this waking reality, everything left! I was soooo irritated. I have never had a song come back to me like that. Three times even! I give up. I don't think I can bring them back. Perhaps they don't want to come back. Maybe I should enjoy them while they're in my presence instead of trying to bring them back all of the time. (heavy Sigh!)

1:47 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Updates and an Attepmted Alien Abduction
Current mood: awake

I have a new computer! Hip hip hurray! And the best part about it is that iit was FREE! A gift from my boyfriend, Ryan. He's so sweet, I just wanna punch him. But, I won't 'cause he's sweet. ;D I <3 computer geeks!

Anyway, iit's a Mac and I haven't been able to use the advanced editor for bloggin' so that's why my blog looks like ass right now. But, it's a Mac... Hip hip hurray! Now I can get my Pro Tools set up and be the mad lil' composer I am.

I also finally got a flat screen monitor. It's widescreen at that. I had a big ass old school 19". It's off to the Baras Foundation with that. Weeeeeee! I got a new desk too. It's smaller and more minimalist. I'm not messin' around!

Spring cleaning mania has struck. Myself and everyone I know is in a purging mode. Isn't it great?!!! It's like you can free yourself from burdens just by getting rid of shit. I realized that I'm a horder. Lord help me. I'm not even that bad comparatively. Still, it's time to pass some of this stuff I'm not using on... Let go... It feels so good. (sigh)

Okay, on to my attempted alien abduction the other night! LOL! Acutually, it's not that funny. It was one of the scarriest sleep paralysis moments ever. I think it was the worst one.

I was at Ryan'asleep in bed, but awake outside of my body, when the aliens came. They were the taller grey looking ones. They were t trying to put me under so they could take me away to experiment. I was screaming and fighting to stay conscious. I was yelling at them telling them I wasn't going with them this time. I screaming trying to wake myself up. I knew if I screamed loud enough, I'd hear myself and wake up. I turned to Ryan asleep in bed. I was screaming at him for help and to wake me up. I was yelling his name then I suddenly realized that I was actually yelling Jeff, then I was yelling Scott. Next I saw my brother Jeff and a childhood friend, Scott. I was having flashes of memory from my childhood. I saw a lifetime of abductions and realized why people don't remember them. It's too traumatizing. It could make a person immediately lose their mind. Their was such a malevolent energy around the aliens. They continued to try to put me under to take me. Finally, I screamed loud enough that I woke myself up to find Ryan holding me, rocking me, trying to wake me up. Evidently, he had been trying to wake me for sometime. He was trying to be delicate. I said, "Next time, just yell, Wake Up!" Anything is better than being in that situation.

I was terrified and angry. I was cursing the air. I told Ryan about my dream experience. He said, "Well, you know how you handle the aliens, don't you? It's really simple. They have such big heads and such skinny little necks that if you punch them in the head, they can't handle the impact. That's how you deal with them."

It was comforting, yet made me wonder where, when, and how he came to that conclusion. Of course, I've asked since then and he just laughs and doesn't really answer. Hmm....

I didn't go back to sleep for probably an hour. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't go back to that situation. I was looking around telling the invisible aliens to fuck off... Listening to a helicopter off in the distance. The bastards weren't getting me. I'd had it!

I've never had an alien abduction dream before. I've only had "good" alien experiences no greys involved. I'm one of those people who laughed and sometimes felt sorry for people who are traumatized by their so-called abductions. Yep... who's laughing now? Not me. My bad. :(

9:58 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

New dream like experience
Current mood: okay

Sometimes I'll see strange people as I drift off to sleep or hear voices saying random things. I have never "seen" a person I know in real life, it's always "dream" people.  It's also not often that I hear voices of people I know, but sometimes I do. Like calling my name. But, I've never, that I can recall, ever had a person I've "seen" speak to me. 

Well, I have no idea of when this thing happened. I think it may have been just getting light out. My boyfriend suddenly flashed before me very vividly. (He was standing beside me, yet he wasn't in my room.  It was that void space)and in a rather urgent voice said, "Get up!". It jarred me awake. It was alarming enough that I shot up and walked the parameter of my apartment. I don't remember anything about walking around, like if it was infact light out.  I just knew that he wanted me to get up for my own safety. I was like, "I'm up! I'm up!" 

I usually only experience that type of thing as I'm drifting off, not something that wakes me out of a dead sleep. It was kinda creepy. Then I started thinking something happened to him, so I texted him, but he said he was fine. Thank goodness. 

Mmmmmph!  I don't like this sort of thing.  Creepy... Especially because it's new. 

2:44 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A visit from Mew & hangin with Maynard -Dream Update
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Mew visited me last night.  She was thinner and her hair wasn't as fuzzy, but it was her. I was soooo happy to be with her and petting her.

It was the same as before, at first no one could see her but me.  I thought everyone would think I was crazy.  The crazy woman talking and petting her invisible cat.  Then people began to see her too and I was thrilled.  (heavy sigh) I miss my Mew Mew.  Damn it!

Later I was hanging with Maynard from Tool/A Perfect Circle. I can't for the life of me remember what we were talking about, but it was great fun.

Next, I was on my way to Italy... but then, I lost that too.

The other day, I was flying and singing.  I was amazed at how good my voice was and the amount of reverb on my voice.  I was making up a song as I flew along.  I was singing about how happy I was and blissful.  I remember being surprised that I could improvise a happy song.  Normally, angry songs of desperation tend to inspire me the most.  I think that it's harder to express happiness and peace with words.  That's my excuse.  Anyway, I was somewhat embarressed that I had written so many songs of desperation.  Oh well...

Last week I had a dream that I was floating above my body with electricity shooting through me.  Actually, it was more like a really intense energy.  I was focusing on allowing the energy to move throughout my body.  I seemed to be doing well at it. I was hoping to have an Out-of-body experience or something, but no luck.

I haven't been dreaming too much lately.  At least not vividly.  I miss it, but what can I do?

10:19 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Relationships... a Revelation
Current mood: awake

I previously thought that one experienced the greatest amount of spiritual growth through solitude.  And though I have grown considerably through my years of isolation, I realize now that dealing with the truly ugly challenging stuff takes place through relationships. 

Looking in the mirror is easier when there's no one around... Easier to overlook flaws. But, it's a million times more intense when another soul steps in as the mirror. I find things I've pushed down for years, things I've conveniently "forgotten" about suddenly rear their ugly heads. I thought I had come a lot further in some places than I apparently have. (Sigh) There's no place to hide.  I suppose that's a good thing.  A bit uncomfortable, but you know... growth can be a real bitch sometimes.

So, I'd like to take this moment to thank all of the folks with whom I have had and do have relationships with for the great gifts you have given me and will hopefully continue to give.  Basically, thanks for agreeing to work with me through my crazy psychotic self.

Love ya!

Mean it! 

Muah! 

1:15 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Random thoughts on the subject of <3
Current mood: contemplative

 

True Love is a challanging space to get to. Messy, messy, messy.

 

And the kicker... that this is all happening within.  No matter what role others play. Regardless of what others seem to do or not do. I cannot deny that it is all happening within.

 

(Heavy sigh) So dramatic.  I know.

 

6:15 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A wounded horse
Current mood: moody
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

I had boring dreams last night, except for the part where there was a wounded horse laying down on a bed. He was a huge red stallion with a navy blanket over him.  I wanted to go up to the animal and pet him.  I could sense his strength and wildness.  I wanted to comfort him, but I knew that if I approached him, I might spook him and then he might hurt himself. I decided to let him be until he healed.

I woke up angry that I hadn't pet him.  Then I realized it was probably the best thing.

I hope the horse doesn't symbolize my wounded spirit!  Noooooo.

Dream symbol: horse
horse, horses, horsing, horsey

Interpretation:
Being a free spirit
To the American Indians, the horse is a symbol of power, energy and movement
Dreaming of a horse may symbolize blending with your higher power, the greater being within you
A stud or stallion may symbolize virility, potency, sexuality and fertility
Sound judgment, wisdom, horse sense
Power, strength, horsepower
Playing roughly, teasing, fooling around, horsing around, horseplay
Hard negotiations, followed by agreement, horse trading
Nose to the grindstone, working hard, working like a horse
A tethered horse could symbolize being restricted or controlled
Something that is completely separate or different, a horse of different colour
Needing to hold back, calm down, wait, hold your horses

Soul Future

5:52 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

White Tiger Cub, Bird People, UFOs and God Oh My!
Current mood: excited

The archetypes are running wild!

6:26 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Thanksgiving Dream Update
Current mood: groggy

I was out of town for 6 days and didn't sleep so well.  Hence, my dreams weren't all that spectacular. I could barily remember them. I do remember a few bits though...

I dreamt about a fellow I used to know.  He had a new girlfriend who he had moved in with.  He had changed his entire life for this relationship against all of his friends and family's warnings.  Now, of course, he realized that he was unhappy.  He realized that he had made a mistake.  He was trying to figure out how to tactfully end the relationship and get his life back.  He was frustrated, yet concerned about the girl's feelings.  He was also hanging on a little longer, because he was embarrassed that everyone had been right.  He was angry and didn't want to lose face. He knew he wouldn't survive in the situation much longer.

I think he was wearing a green jersey type shirt with a couple of yellow stripes on the shoulders. He had also somehow made friends with my mother. I'm guessing my mother represents the Divine feminine. Although, I do think they'd get along in "real" life. Anyway, not sure who he represents or the relationship as I'm not really in that predicament nor anywhere near that right now. 

I had a dream about Mew.  She had fallen through a hole in the floor. I pried the wood floor up to get her out.  I pulled her out, then realized that there were more cats in there.  There were like 5 more.  They were mew clones.  But I recognized the original Mew.  She was actually the 2nd one I pulled out. Odd...  I can't really figure that one out yet.

I had a dream of being in a car, a green VW bug, which dove into the water and started driving underwater.  Clearly a wake up call that I didn't get.  I was shocked that the car could drived underwater, but not enough to realize it was a dream.  DOH!

I also had a dream about being on an amusement ride that flew through the air again! Another failure to wake up! Damn it!

My mom told me that she had a dream that she gave birth to a baby elephant and that it was taken away from her.  There were others that were birthing baby elephants too.  All of the babies were being rounded it. My mom has a thing for elephants. Ever since she saw a special about the elephant refuge down in Kentucky. Birthing an elephant is a truly odd dream!

My 10 year old niece told me that she had a dream she was flying in deep space, but the bad new was that there were zombies there. Too funny.  I've always had zombie dream myself. And flying... well...    

9:18 PM - 7 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Behind the mirror and giant mums
Current mood: awake
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

I dreamt of my guy last night.  I didn't actually get to speak with him.  But, I was shown how I could look into his world and see him any time I wanted to as he can also do with me.  I saw him watching me.  He was standing infront of what appeared to be a bathroom mirror. Just him and the mirror suspended somewhere in time and space. When he opened it up, instead of a medicine cabinet being there, he could see right into my world.  I was shocked at how close he seemed to be when he watching me! It was like he could've reach through and touched me. Also, I realized that he IS watching me more than I ever imagined.

(Sigh) He makes it difficult to find fellows on this side... I fantasize that some how he does exist.  Maybe he's from another galaxy or dimension or something. That's my fantasy anyway.  That someday we'll be able to be together in more than just dreams.

-------------------------------

I had another dream about winter in Australia.  There was a snow covered meadow and snow on mountaintops.  I was thinking Am I in Australia or Austria? It was so beautiful.  There were these giant pink and white mums.  Flowers in dreams are always even more amazing than in waking life.

Oh, I failed to wake up in a dream about being on some crazy air ride.  I was having fun with it though.  I guess that counts for something.

---------------------------------------------

I'm looking forward to my flight this evening, because I always have the craziest dream experiences when I fly.  I LOVE IT! The only part I love about flying.

Currently listening : Passion: Music For The Last Temptation Of Christ By Peter Gabriel Release date: 01 June, 1989

1:44 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

My pet rat is baaaaack...
Current mood: confused

Okay, really!  The pet rat dreams are outta control. I don't get them.  Clearly it is a reoccurring dream now!

So, last night, I was walking around with my pet rat (a brown & white hooded rat) on my shoulder.  It was a boy as usual and huge! He would jump down off my shoulder and run around, then come back.  Everytime, he left, I'd worry that someone was going to kill him for being a rat, not knowing that he was a beloved animal companion.

(interject THOUGHT: Maybe he's my new familiar available in dreamland only!)

I'm walking around with him in dreamland and I come across a guy with these rat-like looking creatures in a cage.  I thought they were a new breed, but the guy told me that they were some other animal who's name escapes me. He was kinda snobby about it too! "They are NOT rats." They looked like a cross between a rat and a chincilla. Cute, no?

Next I was in a pet store with him.  I remember that a part of the store was filthy, I couldn't even walk on the floor.  It had food and animal pellets everywhere. I saw another live rat and then what looked like a dead one.  It looked like something was eating it from underneath, or the inside.  NASTY!

I was still walking through the store with my rat on my shoulder when I woke up.

The reoccurring theme is that I have to take care of it, or make it known that it has a home so that others won't destroy it out of fear.  Rut Roh.  I had a thought.  But why is it the size of a rat? The fellow I'm thinkin' of is a little larger than me.  Hmm... Curious...

Maybe I'll wake up next time and just ask him!  "Umm, excuse me... pet rat? Who are you and why are you coming to me in my dreams?" Yeah, we all know how well that hasn't worked with the dream fellow!

Subconscious... Clearly, I'm retarded when it comes to the dream symbolism you are presenting me with.  Can you spell it out a little more slowly?  Thanks!  Love ya!

7:25 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment