While I was on tour, a lot of you asked about Fletch.  I responded by sharing stories of his general ineptitude at taking care of himself/the household, e.g. the food poisoning incident (Part One Million) and the panic over not knowing how to deal with a maid with cat yack in her shoe and The Great Drycleaning Debacle.

In the course of this discussion, I explained my simple rule for a happy marriage.  For those of you who weren't there to hear it, my rule is to never, ever talk against your spouse when there's an actual problem.  (Bad cooking and cat puke bitchpanic don't count.)  (Actually, anything funny doesn't count.) 

When the rare Issue (as opposed to small-i issue) comes up and we get mad at each other, I don't go running to my friends or family or the internet.  I keep the Issue between us.  My thought is that if I bring someone else into my Problem, I begin to breach marital trust and drive a friend/family/internet-shaped wedge between us both.  My experience is when others get involved, people choose sides and what was an Issue becomes an ISSUE with battle lines drawn.  By keeping the problem between ourselves, the only other person I can obsess to is my partner.  There's no escalation.  Only talking to each other expedites solutions and makes for a harmonious life together. 

(Keeping this philosophy in mind, try to guess how much I liked the Sex and the City movie.  Seriously, if one glib comment kept Big from marrying Carrie, maybe the foundation of her relationship wasn't as strong as she thought, in which case she should have THANKED Miranda.)

(And the part where the kid answered the phone by saying "sex"?  UGH to the point of insulting my intelligence.) 

(And for everyone else, why are you still dressing up to view the film?  CARRIE BRADSHAW CAN'T SEE YOU IN THE AUDIENCE AND YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GET BUTTERFINGER SHARDS AND POPCORN GREASE ON YOUR PRETTY SKIRT AND SWEATER SET, NOT THAT I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE.)

Anyway, yes. 

Back to the topic at hand.

As a caveat, this keep-it-to-yourselves strategy works in my situation because generally I'm the hothead/blowhard and my spouse is usually the voice of reason.  One size of this advice may not fit all.  What will work for everyone is to learn the magic words, "I was wrong and I am sorry." Yeah, it's trite but truly, saying them can fix most anything.

And in case you're curious at my having brought up Problems and Issues, ours are rarely exciting or dramatic.  The most recent Issue occurred while I was on tour.  I convinced myself that Fletch wasn't taking care of the backyard like he should and I worked myself up into quite a later over how I'd put all that work into making it pretty and that everything was going to die because he wasn't watering and damn it, I spent a lot of money and it's all going to go to waste and THIS IS BULLSHIT and why aren't you answering your phone to tell me everything is fine when I call you fifteen times in a row? 

(Answer?  Because he was in a meeting.)

By the way, this what I came home to:

Fletch loses no points for the graffiti-covered dumpster - that's not his doing.

If you look closely, you'll see how I re-purposed our old charcoal grill.  (Bonus points for me!)

Fine, he does lose a couple of points for the cigarette butts.

This one's my favorite. 

The shady side of the yard.

Can you see how big the tomato plant already is in the corner?  Am growing my own.  I plan to auction these salmonella-free beauties off to the highest bidder!  Who needs J.P. Morgan when I have MiracleGrow?

Again, it can't be said enough.  He did take great care of my plants while I was gone.

So I was wrong and I am sorry.

And I'm going to sell our tomato and make us rich.

Setting:  The front hallway, right off the living room.  My giant suitcase is open and I'm sorting its contents into piles before I take it back upstairs to re-pack for Boston.  Fletch sits catty-corner in the living room watching me work.

Him:  What's that big stack of colored paper?

Me:  These are gift bags.  Check out some of the presents people brought to my readings!  (use Vanna White-type skills to lift and display items such as engraved bookmarks, gourmet caramels, hand-crafted mugs, Target dog, etc.) 

Him:  Wow.

Me:  I know, right?  How cool is that?  I'm just glad people actually come to these things.  Presents are totally a bonus.

Him:  (points) What kind of wine did you get?

Me:  (gestures to the bottles) These are all Chardonnay.

Him:  But I thought you only drank German wine.

Me:  No, honey.  That's you who doesn't drink Chardonnay.  I like anything white.  Plus, I'm always writing about "sweating Chardonnay" because it sounds funnier than "sweating Riesling" so I imagine that's why people chose what they did.  Also?  You should have seen all the cupcakes I got!  One girl made me Margarita flavored ones and they were about the best thing I've ever tasted.

Him:  Oh.

(long pause)

Him:  (looking thoughtful) Hey, you know what you should do?

Me:  What's that, honey?

Him:  Before you go to Boston, instead of saying you like wine and cupcakes, you should tell everyone you like bourbon and five dollar bills.

* * *

Speaking of Boston, don't forget I'll be at the Borders on 511 Boylston St. at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, June 25!

(No bourbon or five dollar bills required.)

NOTE:  THE MINNEAPOLIS PAPER LISTED THE SIGNING TIME WRONG - IT'S DEFINITELY 7:00 PM!

* * *

I'm going back out on the road in a few hours.  But before I go, I had to post this line from a note I got from my friend Shayla in Minneapolis:

Since you'll doubtless be surrounded by gushing adoring fans, I can also serve as the voice of reason who reminds you of the time that you got into a drunken argument with a homeless guy outside the Sears Tower (after leaving the Metropolitan Club) about his insistence that he needed $7, a figure you found to be too large, arbitrary and random and therefore worthy of argument.

I totally forgot the incident and thus have been giggling all day.

Hey, I told you guys I used to be an asshole. 

NOT MILKING IT

Usually when I put up blog posts, I save the big news for last.  Am kind of shameless in regards to the concept of Milking It.  (Sometimes I Milk It so much that readers lose interest and often miss big announcements like the sale of books and such.) 

Regardless, this is just too cool, so here goes:

I'm going to be on NPR today!  You can check it out here. 

The piece I'm doing is called You Must Read This and I talk about a book that had an impact on my life.  The audio portion will be available after 7:00 PM today OR you can just tune to your local NPR affiliate and hear me read it yourself at the tail end of All Things Considered.  (Around 5:55 PM EST, but will vary depending on your affiliate time zone.  Find your local station here.)

Being on NPR almost makes me feel like a legitimate writer, and not just someone who tells stories about getting high on Ambien and ordering Barbie heads on the internet.

Then I remember I likely won't get to hear the piece live because I'll be at my friend's dog's birthday party. 

So there's that.

EDITED TO ADD:  The piece got bumped because NPR was covering Tim Russert's untimely death.  I feel awful because I loved Tim Russert and he was so young.

* * *

HOT ENOUGH TO FRY AN EGG, HOT ENOUGH TO BAKE YOUR DOG'S BRAIN*

Phoenix fans, I'm coming to see you on Tuesday! 

Specifically, I'm going to be at:

Barnes & Noble, 21001 N. Tatum, Phoenix, AZ, 7:00 PM

Many of you have said no one comes to Phoenix in the summer. 

We're finding this to be true NOT because of the heat, but because of the airlines. 

I have to go to Denver later Tuesday night because of a morning TV appearance and the only available flight leaves at 9:49 PM.  This means I have to get out of there not one minute later than 8:15 PM. 

I wish I had more time to spend with you guys.  My publicist has been trying to find an alternative for days but there's simply nothing else. 

Here's how we're going to work around this - I'll get to the event around 6:00 PM to pre-sign books, take pictures, and generally hang out.  Normally the reading/Q&A session lasts about forty-five minutes, so I promise if you come, you'll get the whole "experience."  (Plus with the heat and the pressure of getting to the airport on time, I'll be extra-sweaty and stammer-y.  That's a bonus, yes?)  I'll also bring and sign book plates for you guys to stick in the copies you already own and brought to get signed, just in case I can't hit all of them.

Cool?

Cool.

* Do you guys remember that PSA from the 80's?  No?  Just me then.

* * *

TRAVELIN'

Finally, here's where I'll be for the next two weeks:

Weds., June 18 - Tune in to KWGN TV, the CW Morning News, some time around 7:45 AM, (I think?)   

Weds., June 18 - Tattered Cover, Highlands Ranch, CO, 7:30 PM.  (BTW, Denver - you won't be exempt from sweating and stammering because I've got to get out of there by 9:30 because I have to get up at 3:30 AM the next morning as my publicist is clearly in league with the devil.)

Thurs., June 19 - KARE TV, Showcase Minnesota, on (I think) right before 11:00 AM?

(I normally don't post radio/TV stuff because I'm pretty sure I make an ass out of myself in each instance, but since these impact the amount of time I can spend at events, I kind of have to mention them.)

Thurs., June 19 - Borders Books & Music, Rosedale Center, Roseville, MN, 7:00 PM.

Weds., June 25 - Borders Books & Music, 511 Boylston Street, Boston, MA, 6:00 PM.  (This will be extra-fun since I'll have lots of family there.  Please note again it's at 6:00 PM.  And maybe remind me, too, because my events are usually later.)

Thurs., June 26 - Panic because I have so damn much new book to finish writing before September 1.

You know what?  I might just start panicking now.

You know what they call the guy who graduates last in his class at medical school?

DOCTOR

And on that note, guess who just found out she came in at number twenty on the New York Times Best Selling list, 6/22/08 edition?

That's right... it's Dr. Lancaster.

Busy writing day today, but quickly I wanted to share a list of things I am digging.

First, Paul W. in Australia created this cover for men who want to read my book on the bus without underpants.  (Without the underpants on the cover, I mean.  Not personally sans pants.)

(click to embiggen)

Seriously, is this not THE AWESOME?

* * *

I am currently also digging:

Jess Riley's Driving Sideways.  I read it last fall in order to give a cover quote, but I'm re-reading it now and still can't get over how good it is.

* * *

And speaking of sparkly sandals, these jelly shoes (I know!) have captured my heart.

(They're way more shiny in real life.)

* * *

I'm always excited when a grocery store-type brand comes out with something salon-quality.

My current manicure (in Orange You Cute?) went on more smoothly and has outlasted anything I've used previously by Essie and OPI.

* * *

Sloane Crosley, author of I Was Told There'd Be Cake.

Yes, I've already explained how much I liked her book.  But I didn't know how charming she was until I watched her listen politely when my husband trapped her for twenty minutes, sharing his suspicions of a pending zombie war.  The best part?  When he asked if she were a member of the NRA, she sweetly replied, "Oh, no.  We're Jews." 

* * *

What I'm not digging:

Having fans drive in from all over the Midwest and then not be able to get into our session due to space constraints.  (You guys who couldn't get in - I'm so sorry!  We were led to believe there was a contingency plan in place.)

* * *

The Biblical weather causing me to go 0/15 in terms of my hair looking good at events.

* * *

Deadlines, I'm really not digging them.  But I've got to honor them.

* * *

So, what are you digging?