Show me the way
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

take my hand
please show me
the way
help me to find
a path
give me something to hold
a hope as delicate
fragile as a perfect rose
but solid as bedrock
under my feet.
i’ll kneel before you
give you devotion
for as long as you
chose to remain
you’ll be the center
of my life
master lover friend
if you want to walk this
path by my side.

5:10 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Just an update to let you all know i haven’t walked off the edge of earth
Category: Writing and Poetry

i’m sorry i haven’t been better about writing to let people know how i am, but now i work nearly a 40 hour week, and have about another 15 hours for the commute on top of it.

i’m going very well. . i have not been writing poetry because i am happy. . there is no pain or anger to write about, and because i am tired. . by the time i get home it is almost time to go to bed and an hour after i wake up i am on a bus.  i’ll try to do some writing either Wednesday or Friday.

i met Sir’s mother last week.  It was his turn to stay with her (she is recovering from a surgery).  She is a warm and friendly woman and now i know where he got his intelligence from. . i stayed there with them for a day and two nights.  It was very peaceful at her house.  It was relaxing and i enjoyed it very much.

i am better on my scooter and i have insurance.  This fall i intend to return to college for my BA.  Sir and i are talking about the possibility that he may rent a apartment or house in the same city i live in, so that we can live together.  i would like that if things continue the way they have been going.  i am finding more and more that i miss him when we are apart.  It feels wonderful to wake up beside him and cook us breakfast.  Just an ordinary and everyday thing to do, but it feels really good to do it with him.  i am also finding that i miss our play sessions. . we can’t have those here at my parents. . i have a feeling the noise i make would be distressing for them to say the least.  In a week or two more we’ll be able to pick up where we left off. 

Of all the things that have shown me i am choosing the right path, missing our sessions is probably my best indication that this life style is a good fit for me. i miss that bull hide against my back and ass, miss his Dom face, i miss that special high that pain gives me and i miss the kind of closeness after the play session is done with it’s adrenaline edged high slowly wearing off. 

i am glad that we have had a period of time without them though.  i have gotten to know the man he is the rest of the day much better than i used to and i like that man just as much as i like his Dominant side.  Now i don’t feel any hesitation about perhaps living with him some day.  He is caring and supportive of my goals and likes the independence i have shown in beginning to achieve them.  Sir told me that the way to make him proudest is for me to become all that i can be, in every way.  We have spent these last few weeks talking and getting to know each other outside and beyond what we are as Dom and submissive.  We will always be those two things, but we are also both much more

5:12 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Have scooter and learning to ride :D

On Wednesday morning mom took me to my credit union and helped me to get a personal loan by co-signing for me.  The two of us spent the afternoon going from one cycle dealership to another.  We did not find what i wanted.   i was looking for a 50cc scooter to use for transportation to work.  At a local car dealership we finally found what i was looking for. . i tried it out right after it was delivered that afternoon and immediately fell. 

Today i tried it again, this time i rode it for several blocks and bought it to a stop without falling.  This little scooter is going to be a lot of fun and even better it is brand new and should provide me with dependable transportation for some time to come. 

i think i have everything i will need to go with it, rain gear, helmet, chain and lock; to secure it (i would be really pissed if someone else rode off on it) and they might if i left it unchained at work. ., i also bought a cover for it. 

Tonight Sir will come over and spend the night with me at my house (a teen driver crashed through the wall of his apartment).  It will feel really good to tell him that i rode it. . a guy around the corner gave me a thumbs up. . i even kept up with the car in front of me at the end.  After i finish cleaning i’m going to take it down the jewelry store. . need to have the ankle bracelet repaired again :/. . on me nothing delicate has a chance of surviving in one peace. . *sigh* i’m going to ride there on my own this afternoon. . that will feel awesome.

10:51 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

In Silence
Current mood: cantankerous
Category: Writing and Poetry

In Silence

i spent long days
lips locked shut
as i tried to
hide my shame
and in that silence
lay the center
of your power.
a deadly mixture
toxic enough
to smother a soul
as she screams
behind those tightly
sealed lips.
hatred and pain
show in her
hopeless eyes
and it is
not only you
she has learned to despise.
for a little girl
who grew old
before her time
no white night
will come
to carry her home.
her childhood withered
by dragon fire
fallout from a secret
that soured
in her heart
after it turned cold.
read her eyes
if you dare
and if you can
in those
freezing emerald depths
do you see the reflection
of all you created?
can you sense
the freedom
as she breaks
the silence?
it lays shattered
to bits by
the primal force
of her scream
your hold is broken
shall never
bring her grief again
the child is now
a woman grown
she sees your sickness
the lack was not her own.
she feels love
she has grown strong
because the silence
forced her to explore
her own soul.

Pauline Dodge
3/7/08

9:55 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Missing Him a RealityNemesis writers challenge
Category: Writing and Poetry

Photo credit: A. Henob.
Photo was provided by RealityNemesis for the challenge.

so many long days spent working
where i exist
when if i have a moment
when things are slow
that i think of
evenings spent playing
watching a show
at his side.
long wonderful nights
that help me
stay sane the rest of the week.
so reluctant to leave him
but knowing
for now i must.
living for the chats
with him
that fill the evenings
we can not meet.
wishing that he were here
or i was there
by his side
the only place
i really feel
a sense of being accepted
for all that i am
the place where i feel i belong.

Pauline Dodge

11:28 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Submission
Category: Writing and Poetry

Submission

i am no captive
am not powerless
nor out of control
i chose my path
only after deep thought
surrendered myself to
the will of another
because in doing so
i found myself.
In yielding power
in serving him
i found
in turn he
cherishes me.
i lost none of my power
only redirected
it
and in return
i gained much more
than i thought to surrender.

Pauline Dodge

2/26/08

9:39 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Update on my life over the past three weeks*open

i am working full time now.  My 90 day probational period is done with today.  I got a good evaluation and a .40 an hour raise.  On the night before Valentines Day i was offered and accepted my training collar from the man i have been dating. That is the bdsm version of a promise ring.  Which means that i am not to have contact with any other Dom with out Sir's approval and his permission.  It also means that Sir will not see other submissives.  i have requested time off during his spring break, Sir is a teacher, and i will spend those days off with him.  This summer we intend to go back to Maine.  i have invited him to  attend my 20th reunion with me.  We will spend about a week there before he drives us back here to Va.

i got my 90 day evaluation at work and a 40 cent raise.  i  laugh a lot now.  Life usually feels like a good place to be.  i am happy, content and thinking ahead and looking forward to sharing my life with a man who wants to be something that no other has wanted to be for a long time.  He wants to be mine and wants me to be his.  Ideally he wants our relationship to become live in.  So do i.   He treats me well, with consideration, kindness and he is normally a pretty mild guy.   Sir has even gone so far as to offer to take me to work on Sundays if i can not get my schedule changed.  He is a good man. He even wants to meet my family when we go north. .  THAT my friends is a RARE man!  :D 

6:31 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

angel
Category: Writing and Poetry

angel of the night
her throne a  gutter
her wings were clipped
no longer able to fly.
she tumbled to the ground
had to rebuild
no choice but to try again.
no longer a thing
of beauty
wild or free
but she had a heart
she had her two hands
now another one of us
her horizon limited
by the line of her sight
here she was needed
here was where
she would stay.

Pauline Dodge

7:21 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Thoughts hopes and maybe a dream :)
Category: Writing and Poetry

Life is still getting better. . i have plenty of money for the first time ever!  Money i earned with my own hard work. 
Things are still getting better with Sir, the better i get to know him, the more sure i am that i made the best choice of a potential Dom. 

Monday's play session was my first experience in 2 decades with restraints.  He placed ankle restraints on me right after the collar and leash i am learning to consider mine.  i also learned what the rings on the front of it are for :), those were followed by handcuffs.   i was a little uncomfortable at first, mostly due to the unfamiliar weight  on my ankles and wrists, but i soon adapted to it and to the restrictions they placed on my movements. 

Later that night i was a little frightened and unsure, because there were going to more restraints added.  He bought a kitchen chair into the living room and told me to sit down and not to move.  He came back carrying several long lengths of rope, and i became a little frightened. . not because i was afraid he would hurt me; if Sir wanted to do that he would have long since; more because it was beyond anything i have experienced and did not know exactly what to expect. 

Sir did something then that earned my unconditional trust and loyalty.  He knelt so that we could see one another's eyes and he told me if being tied up would scare me, that it was alright to tell him "No."  He told me that if i chose to do that he would not loose any respect for me.  i watched him cut the rope into usable lengths, then he began to tie my legs to the chair legs, but before he did that he met my eyes again.  He reminded me of the safety feature on the cuffs, that would allow me to free myself if i needed to, then told me to unfasten them and watched while i did.  i voluntarily refastened them and felt much more comfortable then. 

It ended up being a very enjoyable night.  i felt good about placing my physical wellbeing into Sir's hands.  His taking the time to explain everything and to reassure me told me more clearly that i made a good choice in choosing him above the others who contacted me.  His actions told me that as his sub, i will receive his consideration and a level of care about my emotional wellbeing that has been rare.  Sir is unique.  He kind of brushed it off when i told him that.  That does not make it less true.  He says only that he is doing things the way that they should be done, the way any decent Dom would also do them and i'm sure he's right, but i have had no other Dom, and after experiencing physical and sexual abuse i tend to measure men as threats.  Try to figure out as quickly as i can, what harm they may decide to inflict on me.  i am not afraid of Sir.  i respect his dominance, the role he may play in my life; if things continue to go as well as they have, and i want to learn to please him.  i am NOT afraid however; that he will hurt me deliberately, or accidentally.  i have not seen him lose his self control.  He also does not believe in letting anger cause him to strike any woman.  Sir said that a Dom who hits his sub while he is angry, is no Dom.  Also that he is not much of a man either. 

He is very pleased by my progress and my ability to adapt.  Pleased as well by my pain tolerance, by my love for pleasure mixed with a dose of pain.  Sir says that i am a natural sub. .
Several nights ago he said that although he does not want to hurry me, that he is thinking seriously about giving me my training collar, and he isn't alone in thoughts of it.  i have been thinking about it also.  i guess that would officially make Sir my Dom.  It means that i would not see another man, Dom, or no, but i am already not seeing anyone but Sir and he is seeing no other but me.  It would only solidify that and make it formal.  Sir made me a happy woman when he asked about it.  i know there is a lot still to come, i have a lot to learn about him as a man and as my Dom, and i am looking forward to the lessons.  All day i look forward to our nightly chats, to the nights when i see him after he gets off work, to spending time with him.  He feels right and so does this relationship.  i would hesitate to say that i am in love, love is a fleeting thing.  What i will say instead is that he is becoming what Crashimp commented a while back on one of my poems.  He is quickly becoming my everything.  Teacher, friend, the single most important thing in my life (outside of family and work).  i am not sure it is love, but whatever it is feels very good to me and makes me very happy.  It is making him happy too.  So whatever name is chosen for it is irrelevant.  It is good, that is all i need to understand.  Every day, after each play session i see what the future may bring a bit more clearly, and i like what it is that i see. 

9:25 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Why i call him Sir
Current mood: enthralled
Category: Writing and Poetry

i place myself in your hands
unafraid knowing you
see my trust as
the gift it is
not to be abused
or ever misused
You know it must
be nurtured
cared for to
become strong.
You gave me time
to get used
to the demands
that will be placed
on my body
on my
freedom of speech
and on the way
that i must
relate to you.
introducing only
a few things
at a time
gradually enough
for me to remain close
to my comfort level
patient with my ignorance
of the life i am learning
a firm disciplinarian
who understands
i am not being
willfully disobedient
but does correct my mistakes.
A man who knows
the full value
i may one day
hold for him
and so is sculpting
my behavior
my speech
and my preferences
into a form
that will bring
the ultimate level
of enjoyment
to us both.

Pauline Dodge

3:57 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment