RIP cassie beans
Current mood: sad

i lost my best friend of 10 years. rip cassie beans...the best dog anyone could have ever asked for.

7:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

relationships....
Current mood: contemplative

every relationship we partake in teaches us some sort of lesson. be it a relationship with a parent, friend, co-worker, or significant other. they all help us learn valuable lessons about life and more importantly lessons about ourselves, about who we are, who we want to be and sometimes who we don't want to be. some of these people come into our lives and bring out the very best of who we are. they encourage us to persue our dreams, and enrich our lives by just simply being there. then there are other people who bring out the worst in us. the people that sefishly allow us to sacrifice ourselves and our dreams over and over again. these are the people that take, take from your soul, from your mind, your body, and your feeling of self worth. im sure we've all met people like this through out our lives. we continue these relationships thinking that if we just give a little bit more they'll realize what we're doing for them, and want to give back in return. the sad part is that they dont. people for the most part dont change, and allowing someone to take from your life is doing just that, taking from your life. so here some advice: surround yourself with people that enrich your life it, not take from it.

6:11 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

eleven mintues....
Current mood: contemplative

so everyone knows what a nerd i am, you can almost always find me with a book. well a year or so ago someone turned me onto an amazing author paulo coelho. ive read quite a few of his books, and each one is more inspiring then the next. recently i found myself with nothing to read(having read just about everything on the best sellers list ). so i picked up a coelho book i read a few years ago called eleven minutes. i remembered thinking it was good but definatly not one of his best. out of sheer boredom i picked it up to reread it. it is about a young brazilian womans life. she escapes her small town and moves to europe looking for romance and excitement only to become a prositute to survive. she becomes jaded and fears love does not really exsist. one day she meets a painter who reminds her that love and intimacy do not always go hand and hand with sex. it is a beautiful love story. it got me to thinking, in this day and age of sexual freedom, where so many are having sex just for the sake of having sex, and confusing passion for love, i think that we have forgotten how scared both can be, and how one compliments the other perfectly. well enough rambling here are some quotes i enjoyed....hope you like them too...pick up the book its awsome!

"freedom only exists when love is present. the person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves wholeheartedly"

"considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle"

"love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. but inorder to do that, we need the other person. the universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with"

"ive learned that waiting is the most difficult part, and i want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side"

"really important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see eachother"

"everyone knows how to love, because we are all born with that gift. some people have a natural talent for it, but the majority of us have to relearn, to rememeber how to love and everyone, without exceptions, to burn the bonfire of past emotions, to relive certain joys and griefs, certain ups and downs,until they can see the connecting thread that exists behind each new encounter"

"the greatest pleasure isn't sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. when the passion is intense then sex joins in to complete the dance, but its never the principal aim"

"anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they're not"

4:17 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

unexpected.....
Current mood: content

well this is not going to be a typical sad and depressed like my blogs normally are. i usually only blog when ive got some negative venting to do, but today i have positive venting. yay! i got a fortune from a cookie once and it said "let your rod always be cast because in the pond where you least expect it will be fish". and i have to say that is very true. i have unexpectedily begun a relationship with someone recently. i wasn't really looking for anything. in fact i was kind of pushing options away. ive been building up these cynical walls around me the past few years and convinced myself that i wanted to be alone, and i wasn't unhappy either. i came to enjoy my newly found independence and spending time alone. i couldn't imagine myself wanting to be involved with anyone. but its crazy how the right person always saying the right things at the right time can change that. i find my cynicism slowly fading and my walls starting to receed. i have to admit its kind of scary, but then again all new things are i guess. life and relationships are all about learning, and thats what im doing learning...

5:24 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

bordem....

so last night i was having a heart to heart with my mom. we were talking about life, love and all that good stuff. i was telling her that i have become quite bitter and cynical , and she found that hard to believe. ive always been the eternal optimist, but this past year i've put a wall up around me that has never been there before. i tend to push people away and find myself spending more time alone. its not hard to figure out where all this came from. i had my heart broken pretty bad and its easier to be bitter and cynical then it is to actually put myself out there. and at this point in time thats okay for me. im busy with school and work so its not like i really have time to do anything else. but as well as this new anti social side of me seems to work i get really lonely sometimes. my mom put it in perfect words..."as much as this is okay for you now you dont want it to become your life". i guess thats what it is. im  kind of afraid that ill always be this bitter and cynical and subsequently spend my life alone. i know i know thats kind of extreme but i guess thats where my mind wanders to sometimes.....

9:41 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

atlas shrugged
Current mood: pensive

as you all know im a big geek and i love to read. well i recently read a book that pretty much changed my life. atlas shrugged by ayn rand. it was so thought provoking and inspirational you should all go out and read it! i know it huge and intimidating but you should. i highlighted a bunch of quotes from the book that popped out and inspired me so i thoughtd i share them....hope you enjoy : )

"The trunk was only an empty shell; its heart had rotted away long ago, the living power had gone and the shape it had left had not been able to stand without it"

"They professed to love him for some unknown reason and they ignore all of the things for which he could wished to be loved"

"He had never had a desire to hurt them, but he had always felt their defensive, reproachful expectation; almost as if they were wounded by the mere fact of his being"

"She had won the battle against her memories. But one form of torture remained, untouched by the years, the torture of the word why. There was no explination to make it concievable and to let her forget him in peace"

"what is morality? Judgement to distinguish right and wrong, vision to see the truth, courage to act upon it, and dedication to that which is good, and integrity to stand by it at any price"

" but what came from it was only a desire to desire a wish to feel but not a feeling"

"But there are people who'll hurt you through the good they see in you-knowing that it is good, needing it and punishing you for it"

"Thinking that this should be happiness and a low, desolate voice telling her that this was not the way she would have wanted this to happen"

"You still love me-even if there's one expression of it that you'll always feel and want, but will not give me any longer. I'm still what i was, and you'll always see it, and you'll always grant me the same response, even if there's a greater one that you grant to another man. No matter what you feel for him, it will not change what you feel for me...No matter what happens in the future we'll always be what we were to eachother"

"The desire to live does not give you the knowledge required for living...Your fear of death is not a love for life and will not give you the knowledge you need to keep it"

5:10 PM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

to you....
Current mood: grateful

have you ever had a day, week, or even month where you feel like nothing you can do is right and just when you think things cant get worse they do? you feel like happiness is some unattainable dream hovering right above you out of your reach. people you thought you could rely on let you down, and you think that it must take something extrodinary to bring you out of this funk. it never is though. its always the little things. the seemingly insignificant things, that give you the glimpse of sunlight you need to push you foward. be it a smile from a stranger, a phone call or compliment. i am lucky enough to have two people that bring sunshine into my life. they are always there, no matter what. without always knowing it, they say the right thing at the right time, and give me the push i need to keep on going. so thank you, to my true blues, i love u <3

5:00 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

to all my single ladies : )
Current mood: optimistic

found this on the web and thought it was cute...enjoy girls : )

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.  If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.  Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.  Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.  Slower is better.  Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.  If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."  A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.  Don't settle.  If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.  Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.  The only person you can control in a relationship is you.  Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.  He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant.  Why would he treat you any differently?  Always have your own set of friends separate from his.  Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.  Never let a man know everything.  He will use it against you later.  You cannot change a man's behavior.  Change comes from within.  Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or has a better job.  Do not make him into a quasi-god.  He is a man, nothing more nothing less.  Never let a man define who you are.  Never borrow someone else's man.  If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.  A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.  All men are NOT dogs.  You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.  You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.  You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.  Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.  Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.  Never move into his mother's house.  Never co-sign for a man.  Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.  Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

10:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

power of love
Current mood: hurt

okay, well apparently i spoke too soon in my last blog. apparently i didn't have closure. see, in an effort to be a good person i decided to try to create an amiable relationship with my ex. hang out once in a while get coffee, watch movies, because despite all the bullshit we were together for quite a while and we both missed eachothers friendship.

so on one of these supposed amiable evenings he decides that he wants to lay everything out on the table, finally come clean with everything that happened in our relationship. it was 9 months too late if you ask me, but i figured i was over it, i had moved on, he couldn't hurt me anymore. or so i thought. so he proceeds to tell me that he had slept with probably around 10 different people while we were together. but oh wait it gets better. once i removed my jaw from the floor i asked him if these were all one night stands. he says no. so it seemed this guy, that over the course of two and a half years, i grew to love and care about, used the spare time in our relationship to get himself involved in lots of mini "meaningless", as he so aptly put it, relationships.

im still not really sure what to do with all this information, and it happend almost two weeks ago. i obviously told him to go fuck himself and never to talk to me or even aknowledge me in public. but still there are moments when i find myself thinking about it, hurting about it. i already knew he was an asshole, and i already knew he treated me like shit while we were together, even before all this. but i still had good memories, of times when i thought things werent so bad. now it seems like every good memory is tainted with questions of 'who was he sleeping with that day?' or 'what girl was he involved with then?'. it makes me so angry. because truth be told up untill this point i never really regretted my relationship with him, i regretted that i put up with so much, but not the relationship its self. now i feel like nothing was real, that it was all a sham, that the love i had for him was some how fake, because the relationship was fake and that sucks. ive always been one of those girls that said if my guy is cheating i would want to know. i changed my mind i dont want to know, and to all guys out there if you do cheat, just let her go. dont tell her, it just makes it worse.

sorry for the length guys, had alot of venting to do i guess

9:16 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

used....
Current mood: discontent

what is wrong with guys these days? ive been approached by quite a few guys in the past few months, but it has only been to be what they call a "hook up". ive come to the conclusion that i must not be the dating type. guys seem to only want to use me and that pretty much sucks. i dont want to do the whole random hook up thing anymore. whats the point. i only wind up getting attached and then disappointed. im tierd of the nonchalant make out sessions and the phone calls to come over and "hang out". im want to be someones girlfriend. i want someone to want to be my boyfriend. but i guess im just not girlfriend material. i just want to be wanted for something other then a piece of ass. is that too much to ask? apparently so.

10:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment