Right Now

Right now, in this very moment, I feel like there is no point in me moving forward with my life. No matter what cards I'm dealt, things are always going to play out the same for me. I'm going to end up just like my mother.

My selfish, self absorbed, emotionally broken, abusive, drain on everyone in her life, alcoholic, lazy, fat, annoying, unmotivated, delusional, useless mother.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better...but. I doubt it.

8:50 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Humanity
Current mood: cynical

    So, today was one of those days where the moment I stepped out of my house, I wished I had never left in the first place. It wasn't just because I was going to work, either. Everywhere I turned today, people were just being awful to each other...or to me...or just in general. Every person I helped at work today was rude an unappreciative. I'm generally pretty good at difusing a potentially explosive situation and cheering up the unhappiest of campers in situations like this. Today however, no amount of smiling, or acknowlement of the frustrations of others, or offering of help that goes above and beyond the normal call of duty...NONE of it moved anyone an inch. People were just rude, and I was extremely frustrated and disappointed in humanity in general today.
   
    Some woman decided to write a check today for some ridiculously small amount. When processing her check, I messed something up and the machine wouldn't read it. That was my fault, and for this, I apologized. But seriously, who under the age of 55 writes checks for anything other than rent or car payments these days? I think that was the 3rd check I've processed since I've been at this job in October. ARG! Anyway, it's my job to know how to do it and I messed up, that's my bad. But when I call  the people from whom I am supposed to receive an authorization code, not only are they rude, but they keep asking me for "the code," which makes no sense because in front of me there are 239408230948203 codes and I have NO idea which code they are asking for, and I'm not entirely sure they did either. And wasn't I calling THEM for a code? What the hell!?!
   
    So Annoying Check Writing Lady was annoyed, but understandably so. I'm thoroughly flustered, and my frustration level is climbing. Then, while being gracious and apologetic, another customer who was waiting in line for literally 30 seconds stormed out. Nice. Lines happen. Deal with it!

    While handing over the little to no help Bitchy Authorization Code Woman to my Completely Flustered and Confused Manager, I rush to pick up the phone which has been ringing for a while now...we are, in fact one ring away from an unanswered call. Calmly and politely I greet the person on the other end of the line, who then proceeds to yell at me for a mistake the Walnut Creek store has made. What next? Is she going to try and pay her credit card bill over the phone with a check? Or perhaps she would like me to send her some clothing through the phone? Angry Phone Woman starts rambling about how stupid it is that she is responsible for having to pay a shipping fee twice for an item she ordered once. After all, its not HER fault that Walnut Creek sent her the wrong color of ugly capri pants. Angry Phone Woman was absolutely right, it WASN'T her fault, and she SHOULDN'T have to pay a shipping fee twice because someone else made a mistake. My frustration with Angry Phone Woman was that if she had waited a whole second to let me respond, she would have heard my sympathies and agreement, and allowed me to help her. INSTEAD, Angry Phone Woman yelled and spouted insults and rudeness, probably while stomping her feet. Also, had it not occurred to Angry Phone Woman that she should probably be spitting this venom in Walnut Creek's general direction, and not ours? What is wrong with you? Impossible.

    At some point during all of these small, but highly annoying incidences, two people who we shall call the Tag-Teaming Assholes came into our store and stole. Sure, its really no skin off MY back, but such occurrences make the afformentioned Completely Flustered and Confused Manager even MORE flustered, which makes life for me that much more...well, not fun. The Tag-Teaming Assholes weren't exactly savory looking characters, and being that I'm the only other person in the store aside from my Completely Flustered and Confused Manager who is stuck behind the register, she tells me over the radio to go take care of the customers right away. So I run in a frantic manner from the back of the store to the front of the store to provide "customer service" to the Tag-Teaming Assholes...Oh noooo, that doesn't look obvious at all. So I'm telling the Tag-Teaming Asshole (just one, the other half of this crappy team had wandered off, wisely) all about the difference between the pants that we have, "Oh, if you like slim leg, you should go for our marisa cut blah blah" and Tag-Teaming Asshole is smirking all the while, and I can't tell if it's because he's about to shank me (It's San Francisco! It could happen!!), or if its because he knows his Asshole Teammate is off stealing elsewhere in the store. Eventually the Tag-Teaming Assholes left, but of COURSE the sensor went off when they walked out, because OF COURSE they stole something. Tag. Teaming. Assholes!

    After my run ins with all the previously mentioned and oh-so pleasant people, no one else I helped seemed to be much of an improvement. People were snapping, unresponsive, unappreciative, and just plain RUDE. I finally got to leave work, and headed for Ross. After a rough day, what else does a girl need other than some shoes? Only, my budget is modest, so I figured it would be safe to wander into Ross. I managed not to find ONE thing that I liked, but the rudeness continued on. I'm walking through an aisle with ample room for two people to walk side by side, my phone rings so I answer it and all I can hear is not the person on my phone, but some woman yelling, "Excuse me. Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!" Extremely Impatient Woman couldn't have been behind me for longer than a second, but she was SO angry. Walk BY me, its not that hard. You're not disabled and in a wheelchair, you're not old and fearful of a broken hip...hell, you're not even white-trashy and so big that you have to roll your fat ass around in an electric wheelchair. No, you're just impatient and had to fake politeness with the words "excuse me" while your tone screamed "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!" I turned around to look at who it was that was being so rude to me, and couldn't help but give her the most horrible glare...that's strike one in the rude acts committed by Anjuli for today...but ONE! Just one! And I couldn't help it, she was being horrible. I should have slowed my ass down to a halt, or just plain fallen down in the middle of the aisle so she couldn't get by, but I didn't think quickly enough.

    Since I was in Ross, of course there were an abundance of screaming children, but why, when a child is sobbing and asking for her mother, would you even POSSIBLY believe that telling her to "shut up" or "stop it" would do the trick?  Listen, you Negligent Caregiver, please pick the child up and hold her, or at the very least, give her a damn cookie or something to play with. Upset Child did NOT ask to spend 25 minutes shopping and 3 hours in line at Ross! It's not HER fault she is upset! It is YOUR responsibility to quiet and calm her.

    After Extremely Impatient Woman and Negligent Caregiver had further disappointed me and had me wishing I had something harmless but effective to throw on me at ALL times (an indefinite supply of said item, of course), I wandered next door to PetSmart. I've got a ravenous beast of a turtle, and he definitely was in need of more food. Plus I figured, "Hey, cute animals! That will make this day better!" While I was happy to see all the dogs wandering around and all the other various furry and non-furry creatures just doing what they do, yet again it was the PEOPLE who put a damper on my mood. Please tell me why Negligent Caregiver #2 let his very small toddler wander off on several occasions while there were tons of dogs with undetermined dispositions walking around (some unleashed) for obedience training. That's great, really. Negligent Caregiver #2 brings Innocent but Poorly Behaved Toddler to the pet store, only to have Poorly Behaved Toddler's face bitten off by Evil Dog. Brilliant! (Thankfully, this didn't happen...but it would have taught someone a lesson!)

    After having purchased my beast of a turtle's food, I decided I should probably get him some water at the same time and headed to the grocery store. At this point I just kept wondering when the insanity would stop, and feeling thankful that its just one quick stop until I could go home. In the very brief 3 minutes that I was in the grocery store, I witnessed Bitchy Girl With Very Badly Done Make-Up threaten her boyfriend (I assume? Her bitch maybe?) that she was going "Kick that motherfuckin' bitches ass" with the manliest of voices. Clearly Bitch-Man was upset that Bitchy Girl WVBDM-U was so upset, and while walking out of the store, he tried to put his arm around her. Bitchy Girl WVBDM-U proceeded to SHOVE Bitch-Man, only to let him open her car door seconds later. Now, I don't know who was in the right and who was in the wrong here, but WHY do you have to be so RUDE? And so stupid, really. Maybe by this point I was just extremely annoyed, but Bitchy Girl WVBDM-P was unecessarily awful...and stupid.

    Not even two seconds after Bitchy-Girl WVBDM-U shoved her Bitch-Man, a Very Elderly Man started yelling at the cashier for his receipt, which the cashier was actually in the process of handing to him. Not you too, Very Elderly Man!

    I'm so disappointed in the world today!

Currently listening : Speak for Yourself By Imogen Heap Release date: 01 November, 2005

3:59 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

From here, the only way to go, is up...right?
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

    Well, today was a day that will long be remembered, but only because I'm trying so hard to forget it.

    Where to begin? Let's see...For about a week now, I've been pretty upset with my mom and we haven't been speaking. Or rather, she incessantly is emailing and calling me and completely ignoring any issues that may have been brought to light, and I'm refusing to respond. I let her know late last week that she had seriously upset me, but she never bothered to ask why. Instead, she insisted on sending these global emails to my whole family (not just immediate family, either) inviting us to some holiday dinner that she's only recently decided to celebrate. My problem is that she consistently pulls this shit, and I consistently give in. She ignores anything that she may have done wrong SO completely, that you begin to doubt you were even mad in the first place. Then things go back to normal, she NEVER takes responsibility for anything she's done, and the resentment grows. I've had it. She's a child, and this rant doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.
    So let's fast forward (or rewind?) to yesterday. I get yet another global email from my mother once again inviting us to this Indian holiday dinner that she only recently gained interest in (attention), only this time, she kindly informs us that my father has a heart condition, so you know...we better come. This was total news to me, and I'm of course worried about my dad, but not convinced my mom didn't drop this bomb so precisely so as to manipulate me and my older brother into coming home. I felt guilty for thinking that way, but such an act isn't out of her league.
    Now, let's fast forward even further to early this evening. I get a call from my dad, and he sounds really...well, depressed. He asks me how I'M doing, and if I want some company. I really had no idea where this line of inquiry was coming from, so I flipped it and asked him if HE wanted company, and asked how he was doing. He begins to tell me about a basic lack of support from my mother, which is typical because she's selfish, but this is extending further than I had ever expected.
    Throughout the course of the conversation with my dad, he explained his condition to me exactly, and let me know that it's been caught early so things can be done, so I shouldn't worry...but he ALSO tells me that they have known about his condition since MAY. Immediately, red flags and fog horns go off in my head. MAY!!! I asked him...but why didn't you tell us? He sort of mumbled and stumbled over his words when I asked him that question, but basically tests are still being run and he didn't want to worry us. So, ever the skeptical one, I asked him if he was aware that my mom had notified us yesterday via email of his condition...He had NO clue. She went over his head...she used his sickness as a tool for manipulation.
    Never, in my entire life have I felt so convinced that my mother was a BITCH. I really, do not wish to have a relationship with her. Maybe this is out of anger, but I feel justified in being angry. At home, she's completely and totally unsupportive of him (or anyone, not even herself), yet she uses him to manipulate her kids into coming home. Gee, MOM. Maybe if you weren't the kind of bitch who was capable of that kind of evil, we'd come home more often. What are you thinking?
    I always heard people refer to these "empty shell" people, and was never really sure just what that meant...until today. My mother is a PRIME example of an empty shell. She is 55 and has no idea who she is, or what her real feelings are. Every kind gesture she makes fails to come from a genuine place. She's so lost in her head...so unsure of who she is, that her "acts of kindness" are all just ploys to get attention and praise from those she "loves." She does not love herself. I know she loves us in her own special way, but she is too busy trying to ignore this huge gaping wound that is her soul, that she no longer knows how to express true concern or affection for another person. She never, EVER faces the truth about herself and her many flaws, never apologizes, and never takes responsibility for any of the mistakes she's ever made.
    So today, I'm worried for my dad, not just because he is sick, but because he's basically alone. It's very sad. I knew my mother was selfish, but I have not felt this disappointed in a VERY long time.
   

10:30 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hmm
Category: Life

Sometimes I feel so alone, its unbearable. What I can't seem to figure out is if this is real, or imagined and created.

Tonight, I did the ultimate and called my Dad. As emotionally retarded as he can be, he always listens to the best of his ability, and his concern is genuine. I thought this would help to take the feeling away only...he didn't answer the phone either.

People have told me I'm strong, but I look at myself and think they aren't really looking that closely. I feel really, very weak right now, and it frustrates me.

I don't think I'm comfortable with my own thoughts anymore. They frighten and overwhelm me.

1:06 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Not So Random Beatings
Current mood: worried
Category: Life

Today, I have chosen to write a blog dedicated to the people in my life. However, unlike traditional dedications, and contrary to what you all might be expectingthis one is not going to be one big sloppy sappy love fest. This is all about the people in my life who I would like to BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF or at least just hit really hard a few times. You see, as a woman in this society, there are no traditional or acceptable ways in which I can vent my anger and aggression. All us women have is talking (whining), crying (annoying), blogging (case in point), and chocolate and ice cream eating (fattening!). We can also deal with such intense emotions by way of sublimating our feelings by working out (not handicap or lazy fat ass friendly), escaping them by taking hot baths (prune inducing), or even better, a combination of the two. While it is arguable that all of the previously mentioned activities benefit you or are enjoyable in some way, none of them fully do the trick. A tub of chocolate ice cream, a work out, a hot bath, and a good cry later, I definitely feel betterbut still have no resolution or reconciliation within myself. Dare I say it? Ive still got unresolved issues, and a total lack of closure (CLICHÉ!)
Guys get such a better deal when it comes to this aspect of emotionality. It is said that guys are not in touch with their emotions and they dont know how to express themselves in comparison to women, which I generally agree with. However, I think we are failing to acknowledge the definite benefits that this way of functioning offers. Men (boys) know what pisses them off. The explanation is always simple, and the resolution is always the same. If someone pisses you off, a man will tell that fucker off and beat the crap out of them (or get beaten, if he isn't lucky). If that fucker happens to be a girl and this particular man happens to have a thing against beating women, then this man will beat the crap out of and break whatever inanimate object is close by. It doesnt just stop there, anger and frustrations with seemingly abstract causes bring about mysterious fist sized holes in walls, overturned tables, and a general upheaval of the surroundings of this particularly frustrated man.
Its simple. Anger brings about the Hulk, who the defeats the issue causing the anger, and the matter is over. Women however, and I say this only from personal experience and observation, talk, avoid, eat, or sublimate (thanks Freud) their issues until the unpleasant feeling subsides. But generally, the issues are all still there, lurking in the background until the absolute WORST moment, when you (I) brilliantly decide to pick a fight or add fuel to an already thriving fire. Great. If I had the nability to just beat the crap out of my issues, many of these problems will be avoided. Unfortunately, I do NOT have the ability to just walk around punching random people and things, partly because of my size, partly because Im a chicken shit, and mostly (for the sake of this argument) because I am female. So instead of going on beating up spree, Ive decided to write a blog (JUST like beating people up) listing all the people Id like to beat up, and why. Perhaps this might work the same as actually beating them up would. I assure you, this is a work in progress. The people who have made this list are both from my past and present, and the reasons they require a beating are either to help me let go of things and move on, or simply because they deserve it for being jerks...maybe both! Some of these people I want to beat up, but still love very deeply, and others I just want to really hurt.

Here we go!! *Flexes muscles*

My mother For not understanding boundaries and using her children in an attempt to fill a void she could fill on her own, if shed only try.

My father For helping my mother and being generally spineless.

Billy Goats Gruff For walking away from great friends and for teaching me that friends are not to be trusted.

My Grandmother, Dida - Now I know this isn't totally appropriate, but it's a blog, not reality so I'll include her anyway...For not accepting my father's choice to marry my mother and for constantly making us all feel inadequate as a result...Oh, and for almost killing my mother and I when she was pregnant with me.

My brother - For being so stubborn!

Asshole Aside from just being a general asshole and treating me like shit, I want to beat your ass to a pulp for not respecting me enough to leave me alone to live my life and accept that its better without youfor FAR too long.

Myself For doubting my self worth.

Marisa For taking advantage of my kindness

Myself For not being able to determine who deserves my kindness

Stephen Damnit, for knowing me so fucking well that my every action is transparent. I cant hide, and it makes me feel vulnerable. This is both excellent and scary for me.

Myself For not accepting myself completely. For doing things I know Ill want to hide from later

Dudes- For claiming to be my friend and bailing when it was clear you weren't getting any.

MYSELF- For letting all of this crap ever get to me

Flakes!- Anyone who has ever made it a habit of flaking on me can rot in hell. You get beaten up because I HATE FLAKES. That is SO rude.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm actually feeling a lack of negative feelings at the moment. I guess that was the point. More later, next time I get pissed, I'm sure.

-Anjuli-

2:22 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Why is it...
Current mood: amused
Category: MySpace

...that people feel the need to announce in a bulletin when they are posting new pictures/songs/videos/layouts on their MySpace? Or, how about the even larger crime of announcing that they might, just maybe, sometime in the near future, post something grand and noteworthy on their MySpace? What the hell? Has it ever occurred to you people that those who actually care to take the time to look at your page will notice, regardless of your bulletin? The rest of us who pretty much don't give a shit about the 10th change you've made to your page TODAY, will not be seduced by your bulletin to go and have a look-see. No, your fantastic, wonderful, amazing and NEW sparkly, spinning image that says "welcome" is NOT interesting. In fact, YOU, yourself, are lacking in the interesting department, which is probably why you sit on MySpace all day making changes. You only worsen the situation by proceeding to make very public cries for attention. Are you all a bunch of two year olds? Did you not get hugged enough as a child? Do those easily faked compliments about how awesome your latest layout or newest song make you feel good? Yes? Well, hold on to that, because that's pretty much where the compliment train stops for you. Oh, and don't forget to mention your excellent MySpace revising skills in your resume, because I'm sure it needs all the help it can get.

This bores me. Let's make pancakes.

-Anjuli-

12:44 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh me...
Current mood: drained
Category: Life

So, it seems I only happen to visit this lil blog dealy when I'm not feeling so great. That's right, ladies and gents, the past few days I've been feeling extremely depressed / hormonal and its totally taken over. I haven't been all that functional, I'll have to admit.

I try really hard to get certain important people...ok mostly one person in particular...in my life to try and understand where I'm coming from. But inevitably I always end up feeling misunderstood and highly frustrated by the lack of compassion that results from the misunderstanding. It seems that me being depressed or upset always defaults to issues between us, when it comes to this person, or at least thats how  he sees it. It's so frustrating, because the defense mechanisms kick in and I get tuned out, when all I REALLY want is to let some things out and just be heard. I don't want to feel crazy for having my down moments. I suppose its me that projects that feeling of craziness into things, but its really hard when you really want someone to GET you and they are so far off base.

Off base. You know...to be fair, I've done a lot of crazy shit to make certain assumptions be deemed as totally valid, and I'm aware of that. But I'm capable of more than one type of behavior and mood. Step back and SEE that. My parents do this to me too. Over generalizations. I get accused of this and that before I've even contemplated taking any sort of action. Pretty soon, certain behaviors and statements of mine begin to get categorized as "that" type of behavior and I'm getting negative responses. I haven't even had a chance to do or say anything yet! It's completely unfair, and really, it sets up a sort of this self fulfilling prophecy. You treat me like I'm being a certain way, I'm going to respond in a certain way. It's not that difficult!

Now I'm sure it would be hypocritical to say that I've never engaged in this self fulfilling prophecy type of behavior. I'm almost positive that I have...in fact, I probably unknowingly have today. Maybe my frustrations with this particular topic will make me more sensitive and aware. At least I hope thats what I can gain from this. And perhaps if I am more sensitive and aware, people around me will begin to follow my example and be the same. One can only hope.

I just feel like people don't try and see the potential that I have within me to grow. It's there, it truly is. Just nurture it. I'm trying my damndest to do it, but so many people around me, my parents, friends, room mates even, kind of treat me as this static person. Incapable of growth and change. Or MAYBE thats how I TRULY view myself and I read that into their behaviors. I really don't know. Definitely something to think about. I just know that I don't like the box that I've been placed in. I want out. Please kindly remove the labels you see on my forhead that read:

Doormat

Weak

Stupid

Irrational.

I'm sure there are more. I do not want to be any of these things. I do not want people to see these things in me. Sometimes I feel so lost in this whole "must defend myself" mode that I forget what's really important...Me. Constantly defending myself means I'm constantly trying to bend my ways or justify my actions so that they are suitable to other people. I should stop defending and just relax. Perhaps THEN things would fall into place?

Can't I just be good enough as me?

Ugh. Don't take any of this too seriously. Just needed to let some things out.

11:44 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Choo choo!
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Currently listening : Amnesiac By Radiohead Release date: 05 June, 2001

11:04 PM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Well Alright!

I'm feeling better now. I unquit!

9:56 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Ugh
Current mood: Melodramatic

Please excuse me while I hurl myself off a cliff.

I quit. I just...quit.

5:45 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment