How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? My friends and I drove down to the Electronic Entertainment Expo for the weekend (we told our boss at Spencer's Gifts that all of our mothers had died in a bus wreck) and the line to play the Rock Band demo was a little long (we took turns sleeping in the gutter and going to the bathroom behind the Capcom booth) so on the second day of waiting when someone from your network said we could get a free Wii for watching and rating a TV show we agreed on the condition that they also give us a sandwich and water.
What show did you watch today?The Remember Nintendo? Comedy Hour
How would you describe this show to a friend? The hottest comics on MySpace, like Dane Cook and Kyle Cease and some guy I've never heard of but who has 620,000 friends do the funniest and freshest stand-up comedy entirely about Nintendo! Remember? The original one? Blowing into the cartridges to get them to work? And begging your parents to buy it for you? (That's from the show.)
What was your favorite part of the show? That's a hard question. Just kidding, it isn't hard, my favorite part was all the great Nintendo references! Duck Hunt! That useless gyroscope thingy! Leaving it on pause overnight to play the next day! I was laughing so hard I could barely yell, "Yes, I do remember that!" at the screen. Also, I liked how every single comic had a "Contra Code" joke (up, up, down, down…) but how they each managed to make it unique and personal despite my having just heard it three minutes ago from someone else.
What was your least favorite part of the show? Two of the comics had a bit about "Hey, remember the rich kid who had Nintendo AND Sega?" Hello! Sega isn't Nintendo! Stay on topic! (To be fair, I do remember that kid.) Also, you guys were lying when you told me I would get a free Wii.
What would you do if you were president of Spike TV? Send my assistant to get me a sandwich and water. (You guys lied about that, too.)
Name: Billy Age: 34
How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? I had just finished reading that book "The Game" and was trying to hit on a woman by casually insulting her but when I went to tell her that she smelled weird what instead came out was, "I…uh…oh God, I'm so scared…" I cried a little. She handed me her business card and a tissue, which I used twice.
What show did you watch today?Hittin' On Women The Spike TV Way
How would you describe this show to a friend? Ordinary guys – just like me! – go out to real bars and talk to beautiful women using simple pick up lines like "Let me buy you a drink," and "I insist, let me buy you a drink" and "Go ahead and go to the bathroom, I'll watch your drink." Within twenty minutes, the girls are practically falling all over the guys! They're also literally falling all over them. They're also droopy-eyed and slurring their speech and saying stuff like, "What? I fell asleep." These dudes are just too smooth!
What was your favorite part of the show? The confidence it inspired in me! I've always been afraid of girls – I didn't lose my virginity until freshman year (of law school) – but after watching this show, I realize women respect confidence. A simple line like "Just try to keep your head up until we get to the car" can turn women to putty! Even if they were just telling you to go drink bleach moments before.
What was your least favorite part of the show? Not to sound snobby, but I'm an intellectual kind of broseph, and some of these chicks were not necessarily the kind of trim I'd bring to the book club, if you get my drift. If you're bored by politics, you can at least feign interest when the conversation turns to the election. You don't have to lean forward and drool onto the floor.
What would you do if you were president of Spike TV? Probably getting tail non-stop! I could certainly afford it!
Name: Bubba Age: 40
How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? The bowling league meets Thursday nights. I'm pretty drunk by nine, since that's when we start bowling. Anyway, I go to throw my first frame when I accidentally threw my Brunswick 16-pounder at the head of the kid having a birthday party next to me. He was knocked into his lane and bounced off the bumpers. I turned to my team and said, "To be fair, you should mark that as a gutterball." What was the question? Oh yeah, I ripped a flyer off a telephone poll.
What show did you watch today?International Xtreme Sports
How would you describe this show to a friend? You know those Xtreme Sports shows on ESPN9 where they slide down trash heaps on yoga mats and shit like that? This show makes that look like golf. It's a collection of clips of the most outrageous sports in countries like North Korea, Iran, Egypt and Uganda, like this crazy game where a child soldier fires at peasants and refugees. It's like their version of paintball! There's also voiceover to help you understand what's going on. Like when the Iranian gay guys are hanged in public, it says, "Two at once is worth twice the points!"
What was your favorite part of the show? My favorite sport was probably the one where the North Korean team goes into the non-government sanctioned newspaper office and beats the editor to death with lead batons. The voiceover was funny! ("Qui-Gon Jinn goes down!")
What was your least favorite part of the show? What the hell was with that sport where the Saudi Arabians kicked the female rape victim around at the request of her parents? I was nauseated. Chick sports on Spike? What's next, the WNBA? If I wanted to watch The View, I'd allow my wife to go in the living room.
What would you do if you were president of Spike TV? Hang out in the office kitchen. I walked by it on the way in here. There's beer in there! Man!
Name: Eric Age: 26
How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? I told you, I'm just here to fix the copier.
What show did you watch today?COPS Reruns
How would you describe this show to a friend? "You know that show COPS? It's exactly that." Was this a trick question?
What was your favorite part of the show? N/A
What was your least favorite part of the show? Gotta say, I never liked the theme song.
What would you do if you were president of Spike TV? [test administrator's note: subject left testing room to go fix copier]
Jonathan Yessss! Take THAT, Christopher Hitchens! Now that's what I call trenchant commentary on the precarious task facing our nation as it attempts to stabilize the region. I love politics. When it's time to be serious, I turn to the USA Today Op-Ed page (their six-part series on the state of our nation's permit parking laws deserves a Pulitzer), but when it's time to laugh, Jeff Dunham is my one stop for side-splitting comedy that rewards me for my profound knowledge of politics and world events. I've been a Dunham fan from way back (ever since the accident, really), and the greatest show I've ever seen from the man (and I've seen over four) was definitely a corporate event for the employees of Parade Magazine. (My friend is their foreign affairs correspondent and also writes the doggie word jumbles. He got the job because there's a direct pipeline from the Arizona State School of Journalism to their newsroom. So unfair!) Anyways, Jeff knew he was playing to a highly political crowd (the author of the mag's popular "Hat Fashions of Dictators" column was in the front row) and he pulled out all the stops, doing characters that are way too smart for the average road crowd he plays to! My memory fails me (again, the accident), but he did Crunchy the Global Trade Oppositionist, Grover the Flat Tax Lobbyist, and my personal favorite, Mugwump the GOP Apostate (he's this crotchety ol' conservative who bemoans the fiscal profligacy of the Bush administration and he goes on and on about the need to cut federal programs and when you're all like, "where's the joke?" he swivels his head and says his catchphrase: "Margret, wheeere's my dinner?!" Ha! The best part is at the end when Jeff finally pulls Margret's limp and lifeless puppet body from the trunk and says, "Sorry, Mugwump, the President cut spending for airholes!"). Jeff, you rule! Oh, it's been 20 minutes. Better take my Oxycontin.
Cody Jeff, you don't know me, but I sure know you. I'm a soldier here in Iraq and your comedy is the only thing that gets me and my buddies through the hell of our waking lives. (We ran out of morphine a month ago.) I'd like to share a story with you. I had just come back from teaching girls to read at the day care, thinking about how effective the surge has been, when a gorgeous stray dog ran up to me with a friendly look on his face. I reached down to pet him. Well, whaddya know, that dog turned out to be an improvised explosive device packed with nails and keys. I was blown ten feet and landed on the ground unable to move. Our medic and my buddies ran to me. Now, it takes upwards of an hour for a med evac copter to reach us; even longer when you factor in all the successful mortar attacks they're subjected to. My medic told me: if I was going to make it, I needed surgery right then and there. If you'll recall, we're out of morphine. (I didn't even have a bullet to bite down on -- I had gotten into it pretty heavy with insurgents earlier that day when I walked across the street for lunch). I was terrified at the prospect of enduring this torturous pain without anesthesia. Just then, as the medic was about to start cutting away the necrotic flesh, my buddies starting quoting your brilliant act. I began to laugh so hard as they recounted all of my favorite bits of yours ("You've got a lot of attitude for a silly lil' puppet, mister!") that I didn't even notice my foot being sawed off. At long last, I passed out – not from pain, mind you, but from laughing so much (and losing so much blood). Thank you for your help getting us through these trying times. When I watch your videos on MySpace, my doubts about the worthiness of this war are erased. And I love the new character! It's nice to hear the voice of a dead terrorist outside of my head for once.
Debbie Oh my God! I saw Jeff live recently – I don't think I have ever clapped that much in my life! I don't normally go to see comedy – the deacon at my megachurch forbids it – but I was out shopping for scrapbook materials with my sorority sisters (go Gamma!) when I was approached by someone offering twelve-for-one passes (four drink minimum) to Jeff's show that weekend at the Joke'Em Clearinghouse! That's only an hour drive from where I live! I was a little hesitant at first, because, even though I watch stand-up at home from time to time, I rarely clap out loud. So I went home and watched some of Jeff's comedy clips on MySpace and the audience was clapping so hard, and the comments were so enthusiastic ("funniest since Louis Anderson's golden age!" "repost this fifty times or die!"), that I just had to go. It was a decision I would not come to regret! There was an opening act that I didn't think was too good (I only clapped a couple times, mostly at "How about another round of applause for your host," "Who's single?" and "Thank you, goodnight!") so I was hoping Jeff would be much better – HE WAS! Right out of the gate people were clapping non-stop! There were so many great lines, but the biggest claps of the evening that I can remember: "Who's ready to laugh?!" "What's that? I think someone's in the trunk!" "How about a round of applause for your hardworking waitstaff?" "[he drank water while the puppet sang the Love Boat theme song]" and of course, "You've been a great audience, how about a round of applause for YOURSELVES!" At the end of the night, my hands hurt from clapping! I went home, watched The View on TiVo, and dreamt about Jeff.
Taaron Right on, Jeff! I bet those terrorists regret 9/11 now!
I Repeat: All YouTube Commenters Are Insufferable Morons
From311ToEternity (1 month ago) Sicktastic riffitude right here. Brings back memories of my favorite Phish concert - my 484th. It was bittersweet: sweet, because Phish are like totally sweet, but bitter because I had just gotten fired earlier that day for lecturing the customers to buy Phish CDs (I worked in the linens department of Macy's). Anyway, around hour four of the concert, they just burst into an extended bass jam, and I almost died on the spot - I was so happy! (I was also having heart palpitations from the peyote.) I was like, bass jam?! I had already gotten my money's worth when around hour two they totally busted out a hi-hat improv session, all like tap-tappa-tap-tap-tap, but the experience of watching Mike Gordon - the man, the myth, the fretless devotee - play the bass for what seemed like an entire day (it may have been an entire day) erased any regrets I had about not paying for health insurance that year. That riff still echoes in my head: doo-doo-doo-do-bowmp. Memories, man. I have so few.
CharlieParker4Prez (3 weeks ago) The bass. From heaven, thy majestic resonance thunders. I know of no greater pleasure than sitting in a chair, "relaxing," then hearing/tasting the notes wash over me, as my very being becomes one wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii whoops, I just nodded off with my head on the keyboard. I feel itchy.
CalculatorWatchCollector(5 days ago) Dude bro, do you ever play in experimental time signatures? My quest in my bass journey is to leave 4/4 behind and find something that connects with the masses, but my math-rock outfit, Xixxtipixxy, has yet to stumble upon one that works. We played our debut show in 7/4, but judging by the audiences responses ("Stop doing that!" "What the fuck are you doing to that bass?" "Bring on Kathy Griffin for the love of God"), people might not be ready for such frenetic fretwork. Our debut EP, "The Cydamous Galaxy: A Space Opera in One Million Parts" was also met with unfavorable reviews (an Amazon.com reviewer described it as "the soundtrack to falling backwards onto thumbtacks," but my father is more of a classic rock fan). We're also looking forward to rocking out in 9/2, 36/7 and 22/4 (I know, it can be "reduced" to 11/2, but we tried that; people threw batteries). Anyway, can you recommend a good jazz plectrum?
CharlieParker4Prez(5 minutes ago) The D note: a kiss from Zeus; the A note, stern, strong, primary; the C note, playfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
JustTurnedTwelve (3 minutes ago) Freebird! LOL! ok, i guess it was funnier when i posted it on the saddam execution video
Red Cross officials are often given access to criminal detainees to insure compliance with standards set by international treaties. For five years, the Red Cross was denied access to suspected terrorists held by the C.I.A. at secret prisons known as "black sites." Following their transference to Guantanamo Bay, these prisoners were interviewed for the first time. Their testimonials follow:
"I was apprehended in a Cairo market, suspected of funding terrorism because my olive cart contained a tip jar for al-Qaeda. I was bound and hooded, then taken to a plane. As we took off, an agent whispered in my ear, 'We're going somewhere we won't be hindered by any pesky laws prohibiting torture.' I was shocked. I mean, we were already in Egypt. Why bother?"
"After I refused to answer even the most basic questions for my interrogator, like where to find a non-touristy falafel stand in Karachi or the correct pronunciation of 'Ahmadinejad,' I was locked in my cell. A giant stereo system was wheeled in front of my cage. The sleep deprivation commenced as deafening rock music was played for what seemed like days. To make matters worse, it was Korn. I hate nu-metal. Finally, a guard appeared. Mercifully, he offers to put some real stuff on. 'I have early Anthrax.' He then changed the CD and pressed play. Slipknot blared. 'No more,' I beg. I then tell him everything: you can get great falafel deal at Havva's café next to Ministry of Tourism and Subjugation. I do not know how to pronounced Ahmja - Ahimin - Ahbabababa - you get it."
"I am an American! I can not stress this enough. My parents came to America thirty-five years ago from Saudi Arabia. I was born and raised in Ohio! I'm here because of my last name and the color of my skin. I was taken from math class, which I guess was kind of cool, but then I was flown to Libya, which was a little less cool, and we did it on Southwest, which sucked the most. I protested my innocence, trying to explain to the guards that they had made a horrible mistake and that I was not a terrorist, but a week of torture, sleep-deprivation and humiliation followed. Finally, in my delirious, dehumanized state, I told them I was the mastermind behind a counterfeiting ring that sold AFI t-shirts to Hot Topic and funneled the profits to suicide bomb-belt factories in Morocco. You must understand, at this point, I would have made up anything they wanted to hear to get them to stop! Why oh why did I have to tell them the truth?!"
"I was waterboarded. I was threatened with it immediately upon my arrival, its usage held over my head during my interrogations. I refuse to talk. Finally, the time comes. I am dragged from my cell, out of the prison, and into the punishing Orlando sunshine. The humidity, it...I'm sorry, this is hard to talk about. The neon pink plastic waterboard stretched in front of me on the lawn. A sadistic agent doused it with a garden hose. I was stripped completely naked except for a bathing suit. I was instructed to run. I threw my body at the waterboard. There were rocks in the grass. I am a broken man."
"I speak to you today so that no other human shall ever have to endure what I have been subjected to. Following my arrest, I am locked in my cell. A day passes. I grow very hungry. A putrid dish of inedible food is placed in front of me: a bowl of matzoh ball soup fresh from the Carnegie Deli. I force myself to eat. Interrogators question me. I say nothing. Later, I am awoken from my sleep by the sounds of the Beastie Boys. I ask Allah: why? An array of food is presented. My torturers had put lox and capers on everything. I begin my hunger strike. Finally, near death, I am strapped to a chair with my eyelids taped open. A screen lowers. An Adam Goldberg movie starts playing. When freed, I will kill myself."
"I know that the imperial pigs in your Central Intelligence Agency say terrorists are trained to claim they were tortured while in captivity to damage the credibility of the United States, but what I am about to tell you is true. I am strapped to a chair. My interrogator then cuts my face with a razor. I protest my ignorance. "Stuck in the Middle With You" begins playing. I am doused with gasoline and threatened with immolation. Then I am 'accidentally' shot in the face. I ask: who are the real terrorists?"
"I was placed in a small cell. I was not allowed to watch television. My guards would not even give me a prayer rug. My only 'crime' is the slaughter of Jewish schoolchildren. Gloria Allred has offered to represent me pro bono."
What the fuck does this even mean??!! "Wasting Computer User's Afternoon"? Stop it. I can wait 1/8th of a second for the next song to come on. If I wanted to listen to Dark Side of the Moon uninterrupted, I'd put the goddamn CD in. Since I don't want to listen to Dark Side of the Moon ever (ever ever ever), ditch this nonsense and replace it with something useful, like "Automatically Stealing With BitTorrent" or "Deleting Interpol's Third Album." Thank you.
AndColmes(3 days ago) People, please don't defame Islam by treating it like a psychotic death cult simply because you've watched a video like this or actually read the Koran. Yes, honor killings are horrible, but acknowledge the bias of your Westerncentric views before assailing the beautiful and exciting culture that thrives in Pakistan's violent slums. I'm tired of reading your racist and jingoistic calls to end female genital mutilation. How would you feel if Muslims wanted to ban pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? RosieODonnellIsAGenius (2 days ago) Thank you for your insightful post, AndColmes, although I must take umbrage with your use of the phrase female genital "mutilation." Surely it's unfair to describe the practice of severing a baby's labia and clitoris with a word that has a solely negative connotation. Perhaps "female genital alteration" or "Extreme Female Genital Makeover" are more in order. Another instance of the subtle swaying power of language.
WholeFoodsPatron (1 day ago) I wholeheartedly concur, RosieODonnellIsAGenius. Tendentious language has eroded the integrity of even that bastion of unbiased, agenda-free reporting, The New York Times. Why is it when I read about a Brooklynite selling pirated copies of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, he's merely labeled a "criminal," while an Iraqi who throws a bomb packed with nails into a preschool is a "terrorist"? And the soldier who arrests him is the "hero"?! I may as well be watching Fox News! I can only hope for the appointment of some liberals to their editorial board.
BamMargeraManiac (5 minutes ago) ay you I was gonna come up in here and post that we should put these sand niggers on (nuclear) blast but y'alls have made some points of mad perspicacity
RespectMyGangsta (2 days ago) Ay yo, Fab killed it on that track! All hail the new King of New Yawk! Holla! Don't sleep!
ChingyIsBetterThanNas (1 day ago) how you gonna say fab the king of new york when jay ain't lay down the crown?
RespectMyGangsta (20 hours ago) how u gonna say he aint lay down the crown when the nigga retired?
ChingyIsBetterThanNas (18 hours ago) how u gon say shit when u jus a bitch
RespectMyGangsta (14 hours ago) how u gon say bitch when u bitch
ChingyIsBetterThanNas (2 hours ago) bitch? bitc!
RespectMyGangsta (3 minutes ago) bth
NonIronicFallOutBoyFan (3 months ago) FUCK YES! NEW FOUND GLORY!!!!!
PanicAtThePTAMeeting (1 month ago) NEW FOUND GLORY!!!! AWESOME!!!!
ReuniteNirvana (2 weeks ago) NFG!!! <3!! <3 <3 (NEW FOUND GLORY!!! HEART!! HEART HEART)
LikesWeezersFifthAlbum (7 minutes ago) WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?!!?!??!
CollectsDeathCabBootlegs (6 minutes ago) NEW FOUND GLORY!!!
LikesWeezersFifthAlbum (5 minutes ago) NEW FOUND GLORY!?? WHERE??!!!!!
BrightEyesAreHeavyRock (4 minutes ago) PRESS THE LITTLE TRIANGLE!!!
LikesWeezersFifthAlbum (3 minutes ago) FUCK YES! NOW I SEE IT!!!! NEW FOUND GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
MetalGuitarEnthusiast(3 weeks ago) omg this shit so gay my vision blurred
BeatsUpGoodStudents (2 weeks ago) he ain't even black...this white boy spend so much time up ass he turned brown
RapeRockWillNeverDie (6 days ago) are you there god? it's me, a queer who wants to suck yo dick
John33432 (5 days ago) Hey, come on. He's a kid. Leave him alone.
YellsAtSportsOnTV (4 days ago) Didn't his dad ever play football with him or at least beat him?
WearsBabeballCaps (3 days ago) no doubt, I feel sorry for his dad. Assuming he didn't run away. Which would explain a lot.
John33432 (20 minutes ago) These comments are sickening. This is not anyone's "fault," and certainly not his father's. Why should his dad love him any less?
John33432 (15 minutes ago) And who's to say that his father didn't try to prevent this? That he didn't switch the Beyonce CD with ones by Lloyd Banks and Aerosmith and Slayer? That he didn't finally throw the Beyonce CD away only to find it replaced, then he threw that copy away, and then the kid just went and downloaded the damn thing? That declaring the hours of 5:00 - 8:00pm to be "Beyonce-free time" backfired because he danced twice as hard at 8:01?
John33432 (12 minutes ago) How can any of us say that his father hasn't tried to enroll him in T-Ball, only to watch in horror as he used the tee to re-enact his favorite pole dance from Showgirls? Or that he hasn't removed the batteries from the house's smoke detectors because he raves when they go off? That he regrets allowing his son to name the family pet, as it means he's forced to call out to a dog named "Independent Woman"?
John33432 (8 minutes ago) Or that the father's attempts to engage the boy in conversations about the attractiveness of various young female celebrities have led time and time again to discussions not of sex, but rather assessments of which dye jobs "work," and the "fierceness" of various shoes? Can you people truly impugn the masculinity of his father, whose very fatherhood is a testament to his heterosexuality? Perhaps his dad has intensely followed the recent research in the field of evolutionary biology which theorizes that homosexuality is a result of intrauterine hormonal imbalances (i.e. IT'S MOM'S FAULT).
John33432 (6 minutes ago) And really, is it so bad to have a son that can cut your hair for free?
SexyYoungTeenSlut (5 minutes ago) Please go to Xpango(dot)com and sign up, and get game systems, mp3's and phones for FREE, No joke! Awesome ringtones, too! Just tryin' to spread the word to cool peeps! :)
I was recently at the library not looking at books when I came across a DVD entitled Louder Than Bombs, which had, according to the box, won at Slamdance. Wow, Slamdance, I thought to myself, the in-your-face, indie-credible alternative to Sundance. Also, I'm a sucker for Smiths references. I took it home. Then I glanced at the box for more than three seconds, realized the movie's Polish, and read that it had won at Polish Slamdance. What the fuck? Polish Slamdance?
Polish indie director: Boy, I sure hope I can find a distributor for my film here at the festival. Polish guy: Oh, my truck works. I can drive it all around. Polish indie director: Thanks!
Polish guy: This is a great post-premiere party. I'll have a vodka on the rocks. Bartender: Sorry, no ice. We forgot the recipe.
Polish film fan: I'm so sick of Pulp Fiction rip-offs. Perhaps I would not be if I had ever seen the movie. I have no DVD player. Only zoetrope.
German guy: Hey, how come German films never win at this festival? Polish guy: Oh, I think you know. German guy: No, why? Polish guy: Come on. German guy: Seriously, I don't know. Polish guy: Because of Roland Emmerich, that's why!
Polish guy: Hey, why are we speaking English?
Polish indie fan: You really sold out, man. Polish indie director: But I need money for medicine.
Polish indie fan #1: This is way better than Bosnian Slamdance. Polish indie fan #2: Yes. There are no riots.
Bitter aspiring director: Yeah, and I'd have a movie in the festival too, if only Mommy and Daddy sent me to Polish USC!
Presenter: And the award for best actor at the festival goes to...Paul Giamatski!
I don't feel like spending twenty minutes typing out an answer to texts like these:
where do u want 2 be in 10 yrs?
are u at the bar yet? compare it 2 another bar.
ratify consti2tion: process?
y r u pressing "decline" when I call?
lost my copy of new rolling stone. txt me yrs?
childhood: remmbr?
pick up bud or bud light? where? why? WHY?
honest thoughts: ppl on welfare
it's over btwn us. how are we going 2 split our stock prtflios?
iran: how 2 deal?
omg! hey, that reminds me. what r yr thoughts on organized religion?
mayflwer. colonies. then what?
Hey, I'm texting you from my computer. This is weird, but I can remember all the lyrics to "Love Will Tear Us Apart Again" but not the melody. Can you text it? Please don't call.
"From Pieces to Weight" Excerpts I Doubt 50 Cent Actually Wrote
I just finished reading 50 Cent's memoir, From Pieces to Weight, which recounts his life as a crack dealer and upstart rapper. The ghostwriter makes a valiant effort to replicate 50's voice throughout, with passages such as Seeing my grandfather cry was like watching one of those horror movies where a statue or a painting comes to life. I was like, that's not supposed to happen sounding as if 50 himself were actually the person typing it. Other times, not so much. I have a really hard time believing that Fiddy wrote the following passages:
Childhood on the mean streets of Queens wasn't like those perfect happy families you see on TV. Shit was arduous.
I hated school. I realized early on the only math I needed was calculating how to cut my coke. (You use the quadratic formula.)
Mom was dead. Oy vey.
Life in the hood. If a drive-by doesn't kill you, the ennui will.
I used to roll my eyes when Grandaddy would recount his favorite sonnets from memory. Only now do I realize it's where I picked up the meter employed on my Ja Rule dis track "I Smell Pussy."
Walking out of that pawn shop without my Bay City Rollers lunchbox was a serious low point.
He was my partner in crime. And bridge.
We wasn't feeling Clinton's boilerplate Democratic rhetoric in the hood.
I kicked in his door. "You owe me money." He looked me in my eyes and said, "Fuck you." I had to laugh. Because crackheads are just funny sometimes, you know? They're just loveable goofballs. Even now, sometimes I'm like, what happened to that guy?!
...but we all knew who the real king of New York was: Jay McInerney.
I remember my first rap battle. I was so nervous, I felt like I had bullets in my stomach. Looking down, I realized I actually did.
...but there ain't no government handouts when you trying to finance a demo. This is why I support dismantling the National Endowment for the Arts.
Eminem wanted to sign me, but I was ambivalent about working with such a homophobe.
I'll never forget the first time I went to the Grammys. Motorhead won Best Metal Performance. WTF?!!?
How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? I wrote a letter to MTV asking Bam Margera to recommend some products I could buy. Two days later you guys sent a van to my house.
What show did you watch today? Skateboard Fight
How would you describe this show to a friend? The coolest pro skateboarders in the world hit each other with their skateboards. There are also some really funny pranks that revolve around hitting regular people on the street with skateboards.
What was your favorite part of the show? The skateboard violence. I could relate to it.
What was your least favorite part of the show? When Steve-O drank the lead paint there was a little warning on the bottom of the screen warning me not to try it at home and that drinking paint is extremely dangerous. I felt like that was insulting to my intelligence and I'm not even sure it's true.
What would you do if you were president of MTV? Probably come in late to work a lot, if MTV is anything like Quizno's. I would also decriminalize skateboarding in your parking lot. You assholes.
First name: Q'uishandra Age: 14
How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? I was standing outside of Magic Johnson's Starbucks, just kind of randomly screaming out "Dipset!" and "G-Unot!" and "Why Frappuccino so expensive?" when a woman walked up to me and asked me if I'd like to get a $35 dollar gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse just for going somewhere and watching TV. I said, "the fuck you think?" She looked confused and I explained that this meant "yes."
What show did you watch today?MTV's Thugged Out Gangster Nation
How would you describe this show to a friend?: It's this show featuring all your favorite thugs like Cam'Ron and Fabolous and Young Jeezy doing gangsta shit like buying platinum chains and letting they guns off and going to the club except you can't see or hear anything because 90% of the show is blurred and bleeped out.
What was your favorite part of the show? Yo, I love Slim Thug and Paul Wall so I was excited when they came on screen and said, "Today we gonna show you how we do it in Houston" but I still don't know how they do it in Houston 'cause then the screen got all blurry and it was like BLEEEEEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEP but still, it was tight because Paul Wall is my babydaddy! Just kidding. (But it's probably true.)
What was your least favorite part of the show? I didn't like it when Nas, Jay-Z and Eminem was in the same room and about to battle rap and as soon as Em stepped to the mic a giant black square covered the screen and y'all replaced the sound with classical music.
What would you do if you were president of MTV? First, I'd go in the control room and wake up whatever nigga fell asleep with his head on the bleep button. Then I'd invite all the homies to the office and give DJ Clue a cubicle! Then I'd cancel The Real World: Denver.
First name: Betsy Age: 13
How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? I was shopping with the dumb cunt (Mom) at Neiman Marcus for my half-birthday party (I decided we needed new silverware) when the useless bitch (Mother) asked if I thought some hat looked pretty on her. I was offended she was distracting from my special day so I told her it made her face look fat and stupid (it did). Everyone standing around us laughed and that's when some chick from your network handed me her business card.
What show did you watch today?Pretty Princess Celebrity Nail Salon
How would you describe this show to a friend? It's this hidden camera show where your favorite A-list stars like Paris and Nicole and whoever played Topanga get their nails done and are tricked into saying mean stuff about their best friends and then those very same people come into the room and then it's DRAMA!
What was your favorite part of the show? I liked when Paris said that Ashlee Simpson was walking congealed scum and then Ashlee came in and said, "How could you say that about me!?" and then Paris said that she didn't say it and then a giant screen was lowered from the ceiling with Paris saying exactly that played on a loop. This was clever and I felt rewarded as a viewer.
What was your least favorite part of the show? Paris forgot to mention that Ashlee is stupid. Lindsay Lohan was too drunk to understand what Mischa Barton said about her. I did not like that Natalie Portman only wanted to talk about literature.
What would you do if you were president of MTV? You guys play too much hardcore rock, like Jimmy Eat World. The black guy on your news staff can not speak English correctly. The website is a little "busy." If president, I would hire someone else to address these issues while I used my power to get free clothes.
First name: Danielle Age: 6
How were you approached to be a member of this focus group? Mom was taking me home from ballet class when some woman walked up and explained that MTV wants to age their demographic way down. She asked how old I was. I told her I was six. She rolled her eyes and handed me a card and said, "Come anyway."
What show did you watch today? Learning to Count with Panic! at the Disco
How would you describe this show to a friend? I would say, "Tell your mom to pull you out of first grade and stick you in front of MTV all day. Their educational programming is going to supplant the public school system." Then I would wait for a few seconds and add, "I'm being sarcastic."
What was your favorite part of the show? You guys gave me free juice.
What was your least favorite part of the show? The bassist can't count past eight. I also hate the theme song. (It's by Panic! at the Disco.)
What would you do if you were president of MTV? Apologize to the world and then kill myself.
I'll admit, I'm not the most politically aware person. I can't name even one of my state's Senators, let alone all three. Until last month, I thought the European Union was a soccer team. The last time I voted was in MySpace's Sierra Mist® Stand Up or Sit Down Comedy Challenge. But despite all this, I feel pretty comfortable saying it: Barack Obama is the solution to every single problem facing this country.
Barack Obama. The name alone conveys political competency. It's a gloriously black name, and I mean in the good, "African black" kind of way and not the bad, "housing project black" kind of way. It's important to be the former and not the latter if you want to be taken seriously in politics; that's why we have Secretary General Kofi Annan and not Lieutenant Governor Carmelo Anthony. Hey, I'm no expert -- I'm about as much of an ethnologist as I am someone with a newspaper subscription -- but there's something about any African name, be it Kweisi Mfume or Idi Amin or Danity Kane that simply puts me at ease. Sometimes, when propounding my pro-African sentiments, I'll be challenged to defend the Sudanese genocide. I will then pull out my trump card: I do not know what Sudan is.
You got problems? I got Barack Obama. Goodbye, problems. Nice try. You didn't count on Barack Obama. Problems, meet Barack Obama.
What problems? How about the war, racial inequality, the healthcare crisis, the spiraling cost of prescription drugs, NBC's sitcom woes, the physical impossibility of perpetual motion, the baffling lack of a good sugar-free margarita mix from the shelves of the supermarket across the street from my apartment, and something something illegal immigrants? People ask about the problems regarding North Korea, but as far as I know, there are no problems with North Korea. I attribute our peaceful relations to none other than Barack Obama.
Have you read Barack Obama's book, The Audacity of Hope? I haven't (it's a book), but I have read part of some of the reviews on Amazon.com, and I have gained strength and inspiration from them. Let me share with you some excerpts from these reviews:
And, he cogently articulates why and how his faith and values cause him to think and act in the way that he does.
The man has faith. I think that's beautiful. You might find that odd, since I'm your typical big-city atheist who disdains the religious right and looks down on churchgoers, but for some reason, I happen to find blind, unquestioning faith in blatantly absurd Christian fairy tales inspiring when it is professed by Barack Obama. The man bridges the racial divide and unites us all under the same simple belief system. His cabinet should include both Faith Hill and Faith Evans.
Obama is my senator. I honestly can't tell you what he's accomplished for Illinois. Nothing particularly major or memorable - given his short tenure - but that's not to say he hasn't been successful; everyone in Washington seems to want him on this or that committee, and that's certainly good for Illinois. The more powerful and influential your senator, the more attention (and money) flows to your state. His voting record is what you might expect from a young freshman Democrat, but that's not a knock; he's been true to his word, and that's a plus.
Do you see? That warm feeling I get from the man for no reason I can explain – he feels it, too. I didn't know Barack Obama was a Senator until reading this review, but after reading it, I can see that Barack has been received exactly as I would have imagined him – welcomed with wide open arms for being substantially less ugly than most politicians. It's also nice to know we're all going to be getting exactly what "you might expect" when it comes to his voting: unwavering adherence to the Democratic party line. I'm for it. (What is it?)
By far the most inspiring politician of our age, Obama is more interesting for the affect he has on people than for the innovation of his ideas. What is audacious is not his policies but his willingness to reach across what appear to be unspannable chasms to find common ground and to touch the best in people.
This was excerpted from a five-star review. You'll notice that it mentions twice in the first two sentences that Barack Obama does not have original or challenging ideas. Barack is "more interesting for the affect he has on people." No [sic] necessary, the man means "affect" and not "effect." Since professing my support of Barack Obama, I have never found it easier to affect an air of political awareness.
Like so many books promoted by big publishers and high profile individuals, this one basically says nothing new, nor does it provide the kind of data to support the views. Anyone can state that we need to decrease our dependence on oil or that education must be improved or social issues are in disarray. But where is the data showing how these issues have destroyed the superpower that America once was? To discuss so many complex issues also necessitates a detailed discussion of finance, economics, and foreign diplomacy, of which this book neglects. It is a nice read but I was expecting a compelling read, given the magnitude of the book and Obama's apparent understanding of the issues. I would have expected more from someone in Washington.
What a jerk! Here, let me fix it:
Like so many books promoted by big publishers and high profile individuals, this one basically says nothing new. Cool! Anyone can state that we need to decrease our dependence on oil or that education must be improved or social issues are in disarray. Like Barack Obama does! But where is the data showing how these issues have destroyed the superpower that America once was? In a big box labeled "Boring"! To discuss so many complex issues also necessitates a detailed discussion of finance, economics, and foreign diplomacy, of which this book neglects. Thank you, book! It is a nice read but I was expecting a compelling read, given the magnitude of the book and Obama's apparent understanding of the issues. Not! I would have expected more from someone in Washington if they weren't black and named Barack Obama!
Anyway, I'm either voting for Barack Obama or putting Patrick Buchanan as a write-in for the sixth time.
Mash-up in the house, y'all! Some bedroom producer from Norway who calls himself Calvin Johnsven just sent me this fantastic song (OK, I guess it's more like a sound collage) of UK superstar Lily Allen's gorgeous vocals set against a background of the most excruciatingly unlistenable moments from Lou Reed's 1975 classic fuck-you to his record label, Metal Machine Music. The result is a challenging, engaging, sometimes transcendent, much more often cringe-inducing foray past the traditional boundaries of mash-up art. Mr. Johnsven, I eagerly await your next creation.
Download: "Metily Mallenchine Music"
August 8th, 2006
Carlos D. never ceases to amaze me. First he flaunts his studio wizardry with remixes of the three good songs from Interpol's second album (you have to listen closely, but he made the hi-hat a little louder on "Slow Hands"). Now he's taken the Interpol rip-off band Editors (I call them Copy Editors) and remixed their best song, "Bullets," by taking off the vocals and singing the same lyrics himself. Heaven.
Download: "Bullets" (Carlos D. remix)
August 10th, 2006
Fuck yes! Another fantastic, ironic cover of pop schlock by a hipster! There is literally nothing about Sufjan Stevens that is anything less than perfect; this tender balladeer is great-looking, crafts beautiful melodies effortlessly, and, while I might not agree with it, I completely admire and respect his fanatic Christian faith. But the guy's got a sense of humor, too! Here's an mp3 of Sufjan and his six-string playing a medley of songs from the soundtrack of tween phenom High School Musical. (The movie's not bad either! Guilty pleasure alert!)
Download: "High School Musical Medley" (Sufjan Acoustic)
August 13th, 2006
You heard it here first! I was eating breakfast at my favorite café, when who should sit down next to me but Mr. Feuds With Brandon himself, Sam Endicott from the Bravery! Now, I know some of you assholes think the Bravery aren't cool, but you're all just brainwashed hipsters. It's about songs, not image. Anyway, there he was, with his fauxhawk-cum-pompadour and black eyeliner (rawk!), talking with some hot-ass model I'm sure he's dating. I pulled out my digital recorder and surreptitiously taped their conversation hoping to catch some trash talk about the Killers or cool road stories (I also kind of hoped he would just start singing their next single) but all I got was a really low-quality sound bite of him ordering breakfast. (That's me sneezing in the background.)
Download: "Could I have my eggs scrambled and well done, but not, like, burned? Also, I'll have tomatoes instead of the hash browns. Coffee would be great. Thanks." (Sam Endicott exclusive)
August 14th, 2006
It took a while, but I finally managed to track down every cover of a Smiths or Morrissey song by a pop-punk or emo band. This one's a zip file. (Contains 4,740 songs)
Download: allsmithsandmorrissey.zip (6.3 GB)
August 16th, 2006
The new Thom Yorke solo album is amazing! So many good songs! I'm not even going to post anything. Just go buy it!!
August 16th, 2006
I don't usually post twice in the same day, but my roommate just made this great song.
Download: "I Regret Putting My Parents In Debt To Attend NYU" (demo)
August 18th, 2006
Okay, so I just got my hands on the new Justin Timberlake album in its entirety at lossless audio quality and -- hold on, somebody from the FBI just burst in with a shotgun
