diets doctors drugs

last night I had a dream or many but one of them was I was at a store then a restaurant and there was NO REAL FOOD... everything was genetically modified or fake or full of pesticides and sugar flavors or colors. I decided to fast until I could find some real food.

Sadly this is not a dream this is becoming OUR reality US america the PROGRESSIVE country is killing itself slowly one bite at a time. Because real food has been replaced with cancer producing obese encouraging toxic waste marketed and packaged as food. When people feel depressed sad or unhappy now the doctor will just push a pill rather then deal with reality.

I recently went to the doctor for the first time in YEARS and asked them to run tons of test to make sure I was healthy I got the test back and sure enough I am about as healthy and balanced as they come and NO chance of diabetes even my protein was right in the middle and I have don't eat meat at all. Everything was perfect, including my liver which I destroyed at 17. Basically I now have scientific evidence that my lifestyle/diet healed my liver my body and also put me in perfect health.

So for me of course I want to scream from the rooftops you don't have to feel bad all the time, I know the secret, really its simple " eat real natural unprocessed food" that means not the stuff they sell thats been slightly cooked and the closer to the ground it is the better, I have been going to the farmers market and the food taste SO much better so now I am hooked.

I went to the girly doctor, and expressed to her my only real issue, I have the family female intuitiveness creativeness and very intense moon cycle, so intense that I have been seeking advice from everyone, am taking lots of herbs and doing acupuncture. Its not unhealthy, its just like being on a roller coster, I want lots of sex and chocolate and if I don't get it or get to stressed out I find myself acting like a four year old which is actually not common for me. So I brought it up to the doctor and asked what my options were, birth control is out, the stuff and my body do not get along and I had one really scary side effect of yaz and won't touch it. So then she said well you should take lexapro ...I looked at her pad it said lexapro and then at the wall and the calendar said lexapro.. I felt like she was a dealer and she was trying to get me to take it.

I expressed how I wasn't depressed and its not depression its mood swings caused by my hormones and that I am not depressed, I have bad days mostly when my hormones have gone insane but I wasn't depressed. She kept saying how I could take them during the time I felt bad then I wouldn't feel bad, I said thanks but no thanks, I just will stick to the natural path and up my yoga meditation sex and chocolate and whatever else I find or go get a massage but I don't want to take a drug for depression for mood swings.

After doing the exam and telling me I was normal and in perfect health as usual she asked if I wanted to schedule a follow up to discuss lexapro. No...
as I walked out the door I vowed NEVER to go to her or that place again. I need to find doctors who actually are educated beyond the drug companies latest product.

I have tried anti depressants and they detach my soul feelings and mind and I hate feeling that way and will take the downs with the ups, its called being human and alive. I know stress makes my cycle worse so I am trying to work on that, I know some foods make it better and worse, so I am working on it all this work is REAL and really making a difference popping a pill wont change my problem just make me " feel " like its not there..

Back to food, I believe NATURE holds the key, and the earth gave us all we need and we are just screwing ourselves up with all this fake processed food pills and liquids. I have test to prove my " strange eating" is actually good for me, the lack of drugs is good for me, the lack of dyes, poisons and fake food. But now I have dreams of a day when finding real food will become very difficult and it already is for most people. But eating and finding real food should be on anyones list higher then buying a bigger better house or car.

If you want to be Green or Stop Global warming or starvation start at your dinner table,
eating cow, in any form is not helping, do you know how much water or grain we use so we can have our cow meat and dairy? its really mind blowing its bad for being Green or Global Warming and the world starvation issue..
eat fish and eggs if you want to eat meat or animal products ideally free range organic and be-careful with the fish lots of it is full of heavy metals.

I eat 90 percent to a 100 percent raw, organic, vegan food, as much as humanly possible, and my western doctors think I am in perfect health and my test confirm it, and yes some of it is age but still even in my own family those who are younger and don't eat like I do are not as healthy.

Fight for real food, eat to bring peace, and think about how it got to your table ...

the poor cows I saw the cages they keep them in on the way back from LA its GROSS cruel and utterly heartbreaking
that is NOT the industry or the food you want to eat...

we vote with our dollar with our mouths and our choices
change your world to change the world

7:00 AM - 8 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

to new friends and old friends

Hi
I like to try to keep up with you in a more Direct way, as in being able to email you when I am coming to your part of the world or releasing the record, or needing to get in touch:)
that being said you can either sign up below or just send me your email or an email at
JillianAnn333@gmail.com
or sign up below

hopefully I will see you somewhere soon

xo

http://jillianann.fanbridge.com

ps


also you can find me here

and you can find my music on itunes and my website and myspace;)
each cd bought helps me continue to do this;)

JillianAnn.com
http://www.twitter.com/JillianAnn
http://www.jillianannmodel.com
http://pop.youtube.com/user/jillianann33
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=501508865
http://jillianann.livejournal.com/
http://www.modelmayhem.com/jillianann

5:19 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

hi everyone
Current mood: ninja

sorry its been a moment
life has been beautiful and bittersweet
I have my hands full
my heart is a bit extended
and I am a bit behind
a bit stressed out
my home has somethings
which are weighing heavy
I am trying to keep my head up
keep creating
keep working on the "overdue" album(s)
I am working as hard as I can
trying to do the best I can
and trying not to go diving
into the black sea

so stay with me
I will be back soon
thanks for all your kind words
all your support
all your love
you make me smile

I hope to have things to share soon
till then
love

8:18 AM - 15 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

vision or fear
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

the dust settled on the floor, the walls peeled around my head, the sun withered through the window. Inside I was a women who was waiting for her love to return, waiting alone and as I waited everything started to fall apart around me, the cracks in the ceiling the paint from the walls the sun ate through the plaster and curtains.

The photographer took the pictures, after the makeup artist had adorned me, wearing all vintage white gowns and dresses, sitting in a big beautiful baby blue couch...baby blue was a poem I wrote about one of my many former lovers one that I loved till he vanished to tour the world with one of the all time biggest rockstars I was 18.

Sitting there I remembered all the times I was her, I was the character I was playing, I waited, I waited once for years, so in love I didn't have a choice to not wait wasn't a choice and so I waited, I hoped, I even used to pray. I waited in that room the room was a metaphor for my heart but the longer I waited the more the heart began to crack and tear and the sun started to ripe apart the walls and the paint.

I was raised a christian as are many here, and the program that I was programed with was you love one you marry one, and so my love and the program had been fused and confused. But slowly the sun tore apart the program and the wind pushed down the rules and then I realized I had to leave the room, for I realized I would always love who I loved and I was always love and therefore if they never returned and I was alone then it was still love.

After years of trying to perform and follow a program I threw it out the window of the room I was trapped in. I felt terrified I felt free I felt loved and love, but love was not connected with a face or a boyfriend or marriage love was beyond and above all logical and science love was now my religion. I fall in love all the time with nature, with life, with being with others with music, with art, with friends, with my partner, with my creative partners with the streets and the faded couch with cities and countries and strangers and trains.

The room I grew up in still is there, but its far away now sometimes I visit and leave things there I have discovered actually aren't real, I fill the corners with boxes and labels which induce fear and suppress love. Sometimes I take the glass boxes that they tried to enclose around me and smash them into a million tiny bits, exhilarated by the freedom of realizing that all that guilt fear and shame was just a facade a game like chess I was playing till I broke the chess board when I threw it out the window.

We can live our whole lives in these rooms of fear, doubt, programs, and waiting for someone to love us, someone to save us someone to heal us, to protect us, to give us life, or we can realize we have all the life we need we are all the love we need and we can save and heal ourselves. In a time of great fear and doubt sweeping the cities and streets I feel its important to realize that we have transformed for thousands of years the rise and fall of culture of civilization of rituals of lifestyles and yet we still are here.

The television is the first thing I threw out of my room its a fear breeder and if you watch it enough it will completely distort and control your reality. Without a box or a preacher or a institution or a government telling you what is what and who you are and what is going on what would reality be. My reality is what I make it I can feast or famine I can create or cry I create my own world, not based on what others have told me but rather what I feel see and believe in.

I don't believe in this fear, I do believe in vision, and if you believe in fear rather then vision you will be energetically sucked dry. 2012 is only a few years away and I do believe we are in for a shift but I don't feel its anything to be afraid of, so as things crumble or shift burn or fall apart see the chaos and destruction for what it is which is change, and embrace it,....
for if you fear it then you will indeed experience your own apocalypse .

We in america have not been programmed for the most part to question to seek to be independent rather we have been programmed to accept blindly to follow and to be codependent on a system a system that is clearly starting to crack a bit around the edges, but as long as we are dependent and feed and believe in this system it will exist .

But we can change this world we can take responsibility for ourselves our planet and our extended international family, but that is to be independent and to act rather then hide or numb away the nagging sense something is wrong. For chances are there is something wrong but chances are we can change that.

If you sit and wait in that room for your lover, your savior, your government, your protector
the sun will ripe away the paint and the wind will blow away the building ... then is the moment to see what has always been and always will be....

The world is a beautiful magical place where you can manifest your dreams or nightmares
which do you want to manifest

vision
or
fear

5:10 AM - 7 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

musing from new york (
Category: Blogging

Since I have been in new york its been a bit of a whirlwind and yoga has been one of the few things that has been keeping me grounded. I have been shooting some amazing pictures which when I am done I hope to show you. I have also been trying to catch up with some of my friends, often I am so busy working its hard to see them but I love my friends and so I am trying to see as many as possible of them before I leave. The city is so rich, so beautiful, so full of life and memories, everywhere I go I feel long deep connections to, it will always be a home to me.

My dreams have been very vivid and some very strange, but no nightmares more like taking acid in our sleep. I did the hardest yoga class I have ever done before last night, maybe it was the fact it was 80 or so degrees and I was just dripping with sweat, of course it was a more advanced class, and some of the postures I couldn't do yet, but the more I see them, the more I see others do them the more my mind starts to make logical sense of it. It was hard but it felt good, but I felt like I was high after, I could hardly talk, I just walked home and talked to grant, but I felt stoned of the yoga.

Yesterday I visited a dear friend and we discussed many things which both inspired and caused me to open our eyes. I also tried this drink the one thats every where Zrii, its backed by mr chopra so its got allot of hype behind it. I feel its a bit too hyped and I feel with this whole " green " movement you have to be aware because just because its green or suppossed to be good for you doesn't mean it is ( like sunscreen and milk) . He and I poured it into shot glasses and took a shot, it taste like cool aid , its a bit sugary, all the juices in it are from concentrate ( which is something I avoid ) which is the first strike out. The second strike is that it doesn't tell you how much of this special mixture of herbs is in it, it says proprietery blend 30ml, and well 30 ml isn't so much and well for all we know its mostly ginger and then maybe just drops of the other stuff so thats my second strike. The third strike is its 40 dollars for a bottle and for forty dollars you can buy everything in that bottle organic most likely and make it yourself and USE real juice rather then juice from concentrate. Its in a plastic bottle which is not good, for forty dollars, it should be in glass because glass doesn't leak plastic into your drink. The fifth strike is I felt fine when I drank it and soon after my whole head felt tense and weird, not good I then had to eat nuts and nut butter drink water and green tea to counteract the tense feeling. The guy selling it is on some magizine cover from a magizine called sucsess from homw, and he looks like a corperate sales man.
I think the herbs in it are good for you, but I don't think the concentrated juice is and nowhere does it say its organic so you could visit china town most likely and find all the stuff in it. Or order it online. I personally won't touch it again because it gave me a weird headache and I have a pretty clean sensitive healthy system. I think its better then a coke but I don't think its worth forty dollars a bottle and I feel a bit funny about it. But if you love it great, but its still not the healthiest blend, I mean juice from concentrate is the stuff you get at walmart in the fake juice bottles for three dollars . I am not sold.. maybe someone can convince me and if someone reads this who works for them I would advise using real juice, organic ingredients and glass bottle and telling us how much tumeric and holy basil and ginger is actually in it ...

At the end of the day nothing is better then eating real food as unproccessed as possible, buy the herbs, or grow them yourself you can get stuff online now, many of these so called healthy drinks are far from it, only a few actually pass the test. But if you want to heal yourself everything you eat is important, and everything you put inside no drink will save you if your still smoking and eating fast food. The closer to nature and the more natural the foods the better , your paying for the packaging the employes, the rent, the phone bill, not better food usually. In New York I don't have a kitchen so I am eating out which is adding up, I have been eating at Life Thyme everyday because I like there salad bar lots and lots, and also at souen because they have an excellent salad but I usually cook, except in new york is about the same to eat out because its pretty expensive to get organic ingredients here.

I have to go shoot, I wrote this from the E train, :) I love this place I am excited to come back in the fall, I just wish I could be here more...

3:56 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

The Chess Game of the Economic so called crash...and new pictures

The Chess Game of the Economic so called crash...


Lately everywhere I turn are two stories, one being " the economy is crashing" " its not safe to fly cause the airlines are skimping on fuel" " bird flu is coming" " our planet is toxic" " its not safe to breathe the air or drink the water.. in fact everyone should do nothing but sit in front of the screen not leave there house cause its too expensive and buy lots of beans and rice in bulk so you don't starve.

So picture a game of chess on one side is you and me and on the other is fear, fear is coming at you from all sides and fear is smart, and fear must be outsmarted, and fear must be overcome through vision clarity and quick moves. I do believe something or someone is trying to make lots of people super afraid, I could guess and say well scared people sure aren't going to fight if our next leader is worse then our last one. Scared people will simply hide and summit as slaves to a system of debt, to the system the government, they won't rebel seeing this time as a time to recreate the system to raise a new one in place of the old.

So gas is 4 dollars a gallon, well cool we need smaller cars, we need to use less gas we were a wasteful indulgent country, who often didn't care about how all of our waste would make the earth or our global family feel. So drive a smaller car, drive less, walk, carpool take a bike paying another dollar or two for gas is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Its not fun and sure I think it would be cool if the oil companies could maybe just Profit a LITTLE less and our gas could be a little cheaper, but these are the same people who don't seem to care about justice or humanity do you really think they are going to care about saving US money... doubt it... so use less gas, or find alternatives or better yet work from home, or move close to work, and walk to work, and now more and more options are coming around that have existed in third world countries longer then here.

Speaking of third world countries, they are doing ok, I just went to Bali and Jakarta and Myanmar and despite there economic crashes and complete chaos guess what. People are still able to survive eat sleep have sex and play chess so what is we have to eat less it won't kill us we may all get skinner which would be healthier, and well learning how to live in a world not based on fast food and connivence would be good for our souls too. So have no fear its OK, don't let the chess game fool you THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR, just stay awake, learn a few tricks and trades, learn how to walk, to cook, to survive on less if needed, and realize that having LESS isn't the end of happiness.

I grew up pretty poor, and after running away from home at 17 I lived for years often on next to nothing so I could make my art and music. I learned I could live off carrots and a few seeds and some spinach and a touch of olive oil for weeks, when I had 20 bucks a week to feed myself cause the rest of my money was going to rents and production fees, growing up we had gardens and chickens and my mom made all our food, no prepackaged stuff in my house. Its not so bad this whole back to nature back to roots, back to earth, back to reality.

Guess what in Myanmar people live off NOTHING hardly and they are skinny but seem happy and have lots of energy and dreams and ideas, we are so spoiled here, we think the world is ending cause our gas and food went up, we have it SO good here still, I mean I have been to many third world countries over my life time and we have so much to be grateful for. The good news is I know what its like to live in a little cement hut and not have stable or any electricity and its not so bad, nothing to panic over we did it for thousands of years and got here.

Its a GAME its one big Game and you and I don't have to lose we just have to keep ourselves awake and aware and not get sucked in eaten up and spit out by fear.
All this gloom and doom all over the news, its SILLY. we are so lucky, so blessed, we have SO SO SO SO much, and so what if we lose it, we will adapt we will survive. But please don't get sucked into this, because if you do YOU make it real, its ONLY real if we all collectively buy into it.

Then WE manifest it, we make it happen and we could do something much better...with our energy and life force and time and lives...

For if we just focus on what we do have, focus on how blessed we are, focus on how much we CAN change the world, focus on how we can be independent, focus on how we can be stronger, wiser, healthier, how we can build a community, grow a garden, walk to work, stop polluting our hearts minds bodies souls and the planet then we can hold a silent revolution which will overthrow the fear.

No guns, no bombs, no weapons of mass destruction war never does anyone any good..
At least not that kind of war, but fight with your walking, your bike riding, your meditation, your prayer, your art, your heart, with your body, mind, and soul, with your choices, and your purchases, with your time and energy, ...

Its a game its been playing out over and over and over for centuries
we have a choice to make its OUR choice to make we are NOT preprogrammed slaves, we are NOT robots, we are not machines, and we are not meant to live in fear...

Reality is not virtual, reality has always been here and it always will with or without us and our gadgets and wires and jobs and cars and gas ....

I used to live in fear, fear of so many things, fear of failing fear of myself, fear of rejection, fear of being not good enough...

But then I went through so many things so intense, then I went through things far greater then those fears and it taught me something, if I could survive that, if I could survive with nothing and no one, or survive extreme abuse/rape/etc, if I could survive being homeless and without money at 17? then I could pretty much survive anything, not saying its easy, not saying its always fun, but overcoming things is like learning how to fly and then once you learn how to fly nothing can stop you.

These obstacles we are facing together globally are things we can all overcome and if we can just work together and stay awake I believe in the end there will be millions of us flying..

So don't be afraid... there is nothing to fear, we are all connected, we are all part of the divine, we are all together in this, we are not alone, we are not our bodies, we are not our banks or cars either, if we can just embrace it, accept it and work with it then we can overcome and learn from everything and anything.

There is no end
There is only now

and well if you meet any aliens chances are they aren't so evil so don't be afraid unless they give you a reason too:)

( ps I have yet to meet any or see any but its another one of those things we are being taught to fear )

1:18 AM - 13 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

If you are in Northern CA this weekend I am performing with HDC - Check the tour schedule:) xo

I forgot to post them (oops) but I will be performing along with HDC at two shows this weekend so if you are around say hello :)

2:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

staying awake -------

I figured I should blog a bit, I have been very bad lately, I have been working hard on my albums, shooting, trying to keep up with my peoples and my spaces . Ever since I discovered the internet I believed in its magic to connect people and I believed that energy can travel through music, images, music, words and could inspire people. The internet is a magical world for me and one that intertwines with the real world and is a reflection of some of my soul through the mirrors and cables wires and lines.

Lately I have been getting many heartfelt and deep emails and letters and I wish I could respond faster and too them all. But they make me smile and inspire me to try and continue to try to keep up to keep creating and keep connecting with all of you as directly as possible. I have been asking for peoples emails and have been gathering a good amount, the reason I am asking is so that no matter what happens, where I go or where you go I can still find a way to connect with you. For everything changes all the time.

I am considering creating a email list for more frequent updates, where I could email my new blogs/poems/videos/ etc to you directly, but this is a plan for the future. I need to re do my website and integrate all this amazing new technology but I haven't had time and am trying to finish the albums first.

Time is always slipping between my fingers and no matter how hard I try to stay focused I always feel like I HAVE so much I want and desire to create, and this creative energy is always pushing. Its hard for me too just watch a movie or chill out, I have often burned the candle at both ends till I crashed in a wall and fell apart and ended up crying or just spinning out and I have been working hard to find balance. Between my muse, my desire to create, and taking care of myself, by taking time to eat well, sleep well, run and practice yoga and meditation which has become a very important factor.

For a long time I had a wall of fear, of doubt, built out of thousands of tiny stones over years and millions of not so positive messages . Fear to try, fear to love myself, fear to let go, fear to heal myself, fear to be loved, fear to show the world my little scars and bruises cuts and burns, fear of being imperfect, too fat, fear of so many things. Yet I knew fear was my enemy and it was inside ME and I had to burn it out, purge it out, fight it out, cry it out, scream it out, I had to do EVERYTHING and anything not to let it consume me and turn me into one of those who went around smashing dreams and tearing other people down often unconsciously with fear and doubt.

Everything is connected, and so the process of overcoming fear involves your body mind and spirit, not just your mind, not just your spirit but all of it connected. Overcoming it involves being present enough to see it as it tries to take ahold and control your choices words and actions. I will battle fear until I die, and sometimes in that battle it gets bloody, sometimes it gets intense but at least YOUR ALIVE. Being is the most important step to facing and overcoming fear and being is not just doing, its not a program, its not a to do list, its being, being present, and being present is something they teach us how Not to do in this country. But you can deprogram yourself, starting now, and its simple and a lot of it involves the questions what, why, how, ....

How do you feel ? ahhh you feel sad ... why do you feel sad? because things aren't happening the way you imagined or were programmed or hoped they would? well what if maybe whats making you sad is that idea? that thought? that system? that religion? that tape in your brain and what if its only as real and as powerful as you make it? what if you took it away? burned it ? crushed it? forgot it? then would you be sad?

I grew up believing everything was wrong and boy... was I a sinner .. and no matter how I tried to follow the program and be good and stick to all the rules well, I didn't and couldn't and then I would feel so bad...
Then one day I made a choice to not believe in the rules and just live and learn the hard way but at least I was living rather then worrying all the time about if I was doing everything right, trapped in fear and guilt and afraid to jump, afraid to fly, afraid to speak, afraid to be me.. me who loved regardless of class sex or color, who lived to feel and experience life as fully and richly as possible...

Overtime the tapes in my head have been replaced, over years of fighting, to BE to accept myself, to accept the now, to accept everything is as it is meant to be, to accept I could shine, I could be light, I could heal, I could create, and I was perfect as I was and I didn't need to change anything to LOVE myself or be loved... strangely enough when I let go, I started to love, the air, the breathe, the moment, myself, I began to want to honor my body, and honor myself and honor others, and it was natural and instinctive not a program ...

I don't think you get over fear, I feel you have to battle it out, but battle it with love, with understanding, with looking for the truth, for the truth is not somewhere out there, but here now .....The tapes in your head are often hard to shut off, but often if you challenge them or question them they will retreat...

Example is your going to get something to eat and little thought says " why not eat some potato chips " and then something says " na thats not so good for me" then the other thought chirps in " life's short why not" ... all you have to do is stop it all and really question if what your going to do is going to be good for you in whole, mind, body soul, will it hurt or heal, and by stopping rather then just grabbing them and eating them your now present and through that presence you can face anything and chances are deal much better with choices.

The only thing stopping you is you or you not being there to do it because you are not present .....if you are present then life starts to naturally fall into place. Now I chose to do many things or not do things out of a state of awareness for the most part, and when I feel my presence slipping away into fear or worry or anything else I try to bring it back, sometimes I don't do it and I lose myself and find myself consumed with something that feels strange like a suite that doesn't fit right, but I keep coming back, coming back to the now, to the here to the moment to the breathe to the awareness...

Yoga helps me with this, helps my mind face a new kind of fear ( "you want me to do what?????) and helps me be in the moment ( ouch I feel it I feel it ) and reminds me how everything is connected in so many ways ...
Now I have to return to work:) more soon thanks for listening;)

10:13 PM - 23 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

meet me at TWITTER

http://twitter.com/jillianann

and just in case it gets all messed up
its simple

Twitter dot com / JillianAnn

:)
I will even talk about what I eat
won't that be lovely:)

ok:)
more soon

xoxo
back to emails and I need to get off this and go to the gym

J

3:36 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

dream-trips - create- fight- and pictures from New York

dream-trips - create- fight- and pictures from New York

Last night I had a dream I was trying to meet Grant after a photoshoot somewhere in a massive park, but I realized I left my shoes and my phone in the park. Then because I didn't know where the park was because I didn't have a phone or a map and so I walked down into a a beautiful neighborhood much like some of the ones I see in Los Angeles. I asked a man and women if they knew where the park was and they told me then offered me a ride because I had no shoes. In my dream I was happy I was having fun I was in my child everything is working out mood. They dropped me off near the park and then I started walking back to get my phone and shoes and then I looked down and there was this massive huge black furry spider on my wrist and it was about to bite me. I didn't know what to do I didn't pull it off, I didn't kill it, I just looked at it and wondered if it did bite me if I would die and then I woke up.


Yesterday I felt like I was on a bit of a bad trip, I never had a bad trip but I felt like I was on one, then again thats how I feel when I look at everything going mad around me, I feel like I am living in a world far away from the world I once knew, I feel like I am living in a world now that is spinning out of control and I am sitting in the middle watching it spin wondering if maybe I apply all my energy for my entire life then maybe I can find a way to be part of the balance part of the movement that can counteract the madness the insanity the chaos spun out through machines which are tools and weapons if used to protect or that can be used to harm if not used with awareness..

But sometimes I find myself in that insanity, in that madness, feeling the fear, stress, chaos, intensity of a whole world rapidly accelerating into something, which is we I us are not aware we will get caught into and lose ourselves and souls .. but sometimes for moments I find myself there, in that fear and stress worry and doubt, in the darkness the chaos the madness, the hurt, anger, pain, suffering.. far away from the bliss and peace I often sit in. I have gone there my entire life for moments, never for a whole day, maybe a half day, but I always leave, I always come back, mainly because I want to try to do something about it rather then let it swallow me whole.

Back on my quest of creating beauty and finding ways to be aware to be healed to heal ourselves, to reduce the waste, to reduce what we consume, to reduce what we take, to give back, be it through a picture a song or remembering to bring my own cup, something to energetically counteract the vicious energy I feel and see like smoke over the city. People now are coming to me about health and wellness situations which I rather enjoy trying to help people heal themselves naturally through lifestyle, herbs, natural medicine, I like it so much I want to find a way to eventually hybrid it into the music, into the shows, into the story. For if I can heal myself after COMPLETELY trashing my body with drugs, eating disorders etc well then I really believe we all can. I am going to a doctor for my check up, I haven't been in forever, but I want to start documenting what I am finding so I suppose I can use some of the test from doctors and so on. Its just something I drawn to and I love seeing people overcome there health issues naturally and find freedom from things like diets or being unhealthy.

I just want people to be healthy, to be able to survive, to know they are there own best healers . But ummm yes back to my moments in that dark place, its hard if I look out look at the news the skies, the cities, the world, I see so much beauty, in people, in nature, in humanity and then I see the devastation caused by those who care about nothing but profit.

Many people look down on those who do porn or are prostitutes for a living, but yet when I look at the whole world and the big picture I find it disturbing that those who look down on those who did or do porn or sell sex, meanwhile they are contributing to the death of innocent people, the planet, poisoning others, causing disease, all for the sake of profit, and they are causing harm to others, to the planet, and in some cases are supporting the death of the innocent. I feel everything action has a reaction and if you make porn well it will cause a reaction but if we kill the innocent that causes a reaction or kill our planet... and we are the ones who in the end will feel it, not the earth, it can wipe us out and reboot, and our lack of respect for it may just cause it too do that. But we depend on each other and everything we do, we consume, we touch, we love, we hate, we kill, we heal has a reaction on everyone else.

There is so much more I wish I could say but this is Myspace and we lost our freedom of speech sometime ago and so now we live in a world in which I have seen first hand the reaction to the action of really speaking out sadly. So much for land of the free....

I keep looking for the land of the free I find it inside and in dreams .... I have been learning about the grateful dead, I will admit at first I was not very interested but learning more inspires me... Back then we used to at least put up a fight a real fight now sadly be it the drugs in the water, the air or our bodies it seems that a revolution is on hold till enough people heal and become aware enough to really see how to fight. Some are fighting, some are out there, but yet we are still at war, we still do not have freedom of speech, we our a country in debt,many are prisoners to fear and a system built on it but that can change, one at a time one choice at a time one day at a time and I will not give up..

Even if they tell me ...... its hopeless......

I won't believe it....

Our freedom is our choice and no one can really take that away even in death.....
so as the great ones have always said
fear not

now I have to go tell myself that;)

Jillian Ann

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