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House Quotes
SEASON 1
Stacy:"He’s scared of you."
House: "Sure. The ex boy toy. It makes sense."
- Honeymoon "We should do things. Throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff."
- Honeymoon Cameron: "Previous tests revealed nothing that could’ve caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings."
House: "Then we’re done. Ball game? Zoo? I don’t care, I just want to hang with you guys."
- Honeymoon Cuddy:"Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can’t lecture."
House:"You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I’m coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days."
- Three Stories "On average, drug addicts are stupid."
- Three Stories "The great thing about telling somebody they’re dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they’re willing to die for. What they’re willing to lie for."
- Three Stories "Keep talking. I’ll finish your exam with a prostate check."
- Love Hurts "Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you’ve got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills."
- Love Hurts Foreman:"Hey, I’ve been on the scene more than you recently."
House:"Way ahead of you. I got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are going to get all the way down."
- Love Hurts Cuddy:"Dr. House! Need you here."
House:"No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."
- Kids Cuddy:"You. In the lobby. Now."
House:"I hurt my leg. I have a note."
- Kids Cuddy:"I’m working. I got hot. Stop acting like a thirteen year old."
House:"Sorry. It’s just you don’t usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
- Kids House:"Sorry. Up late. Internet porn."
Chase:"Why aren’t you in your office?"
House:"There’s a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."
- Babies & Bathwater "She has gone from the 25 th weight percentile to the 3 rd in one month. I’m not a baby expert, but I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to shrink."
- Babies & Bathwater "Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you, she’s only got thighs for me."
- Babies & Bathwater Chase:"House never gives speeches." House:"But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here." - Role Model "By rush, I meant fast. Stat’s the word you doctors use, right? - Role Model "Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it’s great, but so you know, I’ve never made a tree."
- Role Model "You are the most naïve atheist I’ve ever met."
- Role Model Cuddy:"In the Senator’s condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him."
House:"Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can’t tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved."
- Role Model "Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?"
- Heavy Wilson :"The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor’s extremely large. At least thirty pounds."
House:"It’s actually a personal record for this clinic."
- Heavy Mrs. Hernandez:"I’ll have a huge scar. I won’t be able to wear a bikini."
House:"You wear a bikini now?"
Mrs. Hernandez:"Yeah, you have a problem with that?"
House:"No, but I’ve never gone swimming with you."
- Heavy House to Cuddy:"Jail. You’d like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit -- that’s her new fantasy."
- Mob Rules Bill:"His name’s Joey. He’s my only brother."
House:"He’s important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We’ll use the real medicine."
- Mob Rules "He’s a 30-year old mobster. He doesn’t have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone’s poisoned him."
- Mob Rules Chase:"You can trust me."
House:"The problem is, if I can’t trust you, I can’t trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks, you’ve been a big help."
- Mob Rules "Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes awhile. - Mob Rules "She’s the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man. I always suspected."
- Control Cuddy:"I need you to wear your lab coat."
House:"I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age."
- Control Wilson :"And a very bad omen for you. There’s not much money in curing African sleeping sickness."
House:"No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys choirs, those are bad omens. This is much more mundane -- a billionaire who wants to get laid."
- Control Wilson :"She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one."
House:"You get that often? Women who’d rather die than get naked with you?"
- Control House:"Haven’t done the MUGA."
Wilson :"Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?"
House:"Got my aura read today. Said someone close to me had a broken heart."
- Control Cuddy:"Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing..."
House:"Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia..noo-mania...?"
- Cursed "A secret club. What’s the secret, they’re all morons?"
- Cursed Chase:"How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?" House:"I’d hate it. That’s why I cleverly have no personal life."
- Cursed Cameron:"If it’s cancer, he can’t pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you’d pack him up and send him home."
House:"My God, you’re right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in, we’re on it like stink on cheese."
- Sports Medicine "Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?"
- Sports Medicine Lola:"Even if real human contact is something you don’t have, or even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people. House:"Right. True love. That’s just how we match organs these days. There’s a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they’re trading brains."
- Sports Medicine "Let me talk to shipping. I speak their language. Foul."
- Detox Cuddy:"You know, there are other ways to manage pain."
House:"Like what? Laughter? Meditation? You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?"
- Detox "You always trust me. It’s a big mistake."
- Detox House to Foreman: "Go check out the ’hood, dog."
- Histories Foreman:"A tuberculoma doesn’t give you a temperature of 105."
Chase:"Then it’s a tuberculoma and something else."
Wilson :"The ’something else’ is going to melt her brain."
House:"Poach. Better metaphor."
- Histories Foreman:"You assaulted that man!"
House:"Fine. I’ll never do it again."
Foreman:"Yes you will."
House:"All the more reason this debate is pointless."
- DNR House:"That paralysis thing. Guy can’t walk for two years, nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting."
Cuddy:"Forget his paralysis."
House:"Tell that to the rest of his bowling team."
- DNR "Like I always say, there’s no ’I’ in team. There’s a ’me,’ though, if you jumble it up."
- DNR "I’m extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce."
- Poison Dr. House - "I assume ’minimal at best’ is your stiff upper lip British way of saying ’no chance in hell.’"
Chase:"Actually, I’m Australian."
Dr. House:"You put the Queen on your money, you’re British."
- Poison Patient’s mother:"Who are you?"
Dr. House:"I’m the doctor who’s trying to save your son. You’re the mom who’s letting him die. Clarification. It’s a beautiful thing."
- Poison Dr. House:"Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?"
Adams :"Why?"
Dr. House:"Because you irritate me."
- Poison "Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?"
- Damned If You Do "Don’t worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time."
- Maternity Dr. House:"How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there’s a critical shortage, I could run home."
Dr. Cuddy:"No you couldn’t."
Dr. House:"Nice."
- Occam’s Razor "Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything."
- Occam’s Razor Dr. House:"Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair."
Patient:"What?!"
Dr. House:"You’re orange, you moron. And it’s one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn’t picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she’s just not paying attention."
- Pilot "Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
- Pilot
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SEASON 2
House: "Where are you going?"
Foreman: "You’re an ass."
House: "I know. Where are you going?"
- No Reason "I always say if you’re going to get shot, do it in a hospital."
- No Reason Jack: "I don’t want to hear semantics."
House: "You anti-semantic bastard."
- No Reason "She looks just like you. You have the same fro."
- Who’s Your Daddy? "Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven’t found the gene yet..."
- Who’s Your Daddy? "I’m a really good secret keeper. I’ve never told anybody Wilson wets his bed."
- Who’s Your Daddy? "Tonight, L Word marathon."
- Forever "Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."
- Forever "I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?"
- Forever "Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."
- Forever "Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?"
- Euphoria, Part 2 Wilson : "You’re accessing a webcam?"
House: "Cuddy’s shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?"
- Euphoria, Part 2 "You’re upset that I’m doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."
- Euphoria, Part 2 "Everybody’s great when they’re half-dead."
- Euphoria, Part 1 "Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there’s a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far."
- Euphoria, Part 1 "No, if you talk to God you’re religious. If God talks to you, you’re psychotic."
- House vs. God "It’s either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that’d mess with my bowling league."
- House vs. God "Cuddy said you should do it. You’ve got a gift. People thank you for telling them they’re going to die."
- House vs. God "I’m a night owl. Wilson’s an early bird. We’re different species."
- Sleeping Dogs Lie "Gotta hand it to Foreman, though. He knew you were a suck up and I don’t give a crap. He successfully exploited us both."
- Sleeping Dogs Lie "Hey! How’s that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you’d be done for the night."
- All In "No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage."
- All In "The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It’s understandable. If he doesn’t die, they won’t be mad anymore."
- All In "Heart transplant. Immune system’s in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble."
- Safe "Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I’m going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl."
- Safe "Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized."
- Clueless "Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search."
- Clueless "Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... sklungs?"
- Clueless Foreman – "His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left."
House – "Cool."
- Sex Kills "Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win."
- Sex Kills Wilson – "How’d you get here?"
House – "By osmosis."
- Skin Deep "Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool."
- Skin Deep Cameron – "What are you looking for?"
House – "Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment."
- Distractions Weber – "You can’t test anything on an abnormal brain."
House – "That’s so close-minded, He’s not ’abnormal.’ He’s special."
- Distractions Cameron – "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"
House – "I wish."
- Distractions Cameron – "His brain is like a waiter that’s got too many..."
House – "Hey! I do the metaphors."
- Distractions "Wow. It’s a big jump from ’Infidelity is wrong’ to ’Do her.’"
- Need to Know "Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills."
- Need to Know Chase – "We’ve got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine."
House – "I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!"
- Failure to Communicate Wilson – "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?"
House – "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."
- Failure to Communicate Foreman – "She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don’t see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings."
House – "I was there and I have a nine-to-three job."
- Deception "What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I’m a doctor, I need to know."
- Deception "Sorry I missed that. White count’s been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head."
- Deception Stacy – "Where’s Chase?"
House – "He’s too busy to service you until after work. I’ve got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, ’What’ll we do with the time left over?’"
- The Mistake "One caveat: I’ve now moved past threesomes. I’m into foursomes."
- The Mistake "Steve McQueen without hair? It’s a blessing he died young."
- Hunting "Dying people lie too. Wish they’d worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don’t save it for a sound bite."
- Hunting "You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor."
- Spin "What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?"
- Spin Cameron – "Who was that?"
House – "Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that’s sexy?"
- Daddy’s Boy Foreman – "You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis."
House – "Which is why it’s going to be so cool when I turn out to be right."
- Daddy’s Boy "You -- Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You -- Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you -- Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have the shocks, the trots or the hots."
- Daddy’s Boy "Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."
- TB Or Not TB "You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa...can’t think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it’s crazy."
- TB Or Not TB "If I tried a scheme like this, you’d get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit."
- Humpty Dumpty "Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good."
- Humpty Dumpty "I’m happy to report that we are now so in sync, we’re actually wearing each other’s underwear."
- Humpty Dumpty "Union rules. I can’t check out this guy’s seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."
- Autopsy Chase – "If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex."
House – "Tell that to all the hookers who won’t kiss me on the mouth."
- Autopsy "Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"
- Autopsy "What’s with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?"
- Acceptance "Talk to Cuddy. She’s got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She’s trying to impress her new sex-retary."
- Acceptance Stacy – "If you didn’t want me working here, why didn’t you just say so?"
House – "I don’t want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It’s a really big hospital."
- Acceptance Foreman – "Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3."
House – "Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a brand new symptom. Who’s chubby?"
- Acceptance
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SEASON 3
"I’m world famous now. Press won’t leave me alone."
- Human Error "Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?"
- Human Error "The patient’s husband prefers her not dead."
- Human Error "How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?" - Human Error "The kid’s not a cliché. Anybody can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat."
- The Jerk "You are one evil, cunning woman. It’s a massive turn on."
- The Jerk "Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you’ve done to earn yours."
- The Jerk "Personally, I can’t believe I had the same three employees for three years."
- Resignation "He can’t ignore the blood because it’s a minority, can he, Foreman?"
- Resignation Wilson: "Oh God, she’s 26."
House: "But with the wisdom of a much younger woman."
- Resignation "Ha! Nothing like a dead patient to send you back to your choir boy roots."
- Family "The only value of that trust is that you can manipulate them."
- Family "That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care."
- Family "Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult."
- House Training "First, ’Hector does go rug’ is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? ’Huge ego, sorry.’"
- House Training "If you need absolution, go to a priest. Or give alms to the poor."
- House Training "I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, ’Not twenty-five.’"
- Act Your Age "Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186."
- Act Your Age "Never is just reven spelled backwards."
- Act Your Age "Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?"
- Act Your Age "It may have been short, but it had girth."
- Airborne "Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking forward to landing this puppy myself."
- Airborne "Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. Now it sounds sexist, but science says you’re weak and soft. What can I do?"
- Airborne "Personally, I don’t get what’s so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty."
- Fetal Position "Mom’s body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time."
- Fetal Position "No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn’t want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."
- Fetal Position "Even fetuses lie."
- Fetal Position "I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child’s ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy."
- Top Secret "And find out the truth about who he’s been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet."
- Top Secret "Better be careful. I have a full bladder and I’m not afraid to use it."
- Top Secret "Just because it’s inexplicted doesn’t mean it’s inexplicable."
- Half Wit "Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend your specialty."
- Half Wit "Dude can’t button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?"
- Half Wit "If you’re considering grabbing my ass, don’t start anything you can’t finish."
- Half Wit "Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you’d be wearing a look of desperation."
- Insensitive "I was curious. Since I’m not a cat, that’s not dangerous."
- Insensitive "Oh my God. You’re not wearing a bra."
- Insensitive "The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief."
- Needle in a Haystack "Hey, you can’t yell at a guy in a wheelchair."
- Needle in a Haystack "You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."
- Needle in a Haystack "My life is just one horror after another."
- Needle in a Haystack Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."
- One Day, One Room "You’ve never seen an after school special? Dawson’s Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?"
- One Day, One Room "If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."
- One Day, One Room "If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they’re still at R&D."
- Words and Deeds "When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."
- Words and Deeds "Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now."
- Words and Deeds "I told you never to call me when I’m on trial."
- Words and Deeds Tritter: "Merry Christmas."
House: "Happy go to hell."
- Merry Little Christmas "I thought I’d get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."
- Merry Little Christmas "Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues."
- Merry Little Christmas "This thing won me second place in the clinic’s weekly ’Weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice’ contest."
- Finding Judas "If I’m in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills."
- Finding Judas "Good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!"
- Finding Judas "Party of Five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day."
- Whac-A-Mole Cameron:"You okay?"
House:"Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football." - Whac-A-Mole "Okay, fine. I’ll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay."
- Whac-A-Mole "There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that’d temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We’ve all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry."
- Son of Coma Guy "Everything’s conditional. You just can’t always anticipate the conditions."
- Son of Coma Guy "Quick, what’s the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron."
- Son of Coma Guy "Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he’ll never have to die."
- Son of Coma Guy "Is Salma Hayek from Mexico or Spain?"
- Que Sera Sera "Kids these days. Got no respect for other people’s property."
- Que Sera Sera "It’s probably her mom. I bet she’s huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?"
- Que Sera Sera "You get married at twenty, you’re going to be shocked who you’re living with at thirty."
- Fools For Love "Sorry. I already met this month’s quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."
- Fools For Love "Twenty-year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often."
- Fools For Love Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
House: "Of course not. This isn’t a veterinary hospital. Zing!"
- Lines in the Sand "Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."
- Lines in the Sand House: "After that look, I’m feeling a little frisky and looks like you’re up."
Cuddy: "I’m ovulating. Let’s go."
House: "The frisky, it went away."
- Lines in the Sand "Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They’re flying cesspools."
- Informed Consent "Somehow I just can’t imagine you taking a Jell-O shot."
- Informed Consent "I try to kill him, you’re mad. I don’t kill him, you’re mad."
- Informed Consent "I’m a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made."
- Informed Consent "Is this an intervention? You’re a little late, since I’m not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics."
- Cane and Able "The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It’s right there in the name."
- Cane and Able "She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."
- Cane and Able "Why don’t I have high-def in my office? I’m a department head."
-Cane and Able Cuddy: "Why did you."
House: "Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?"
- Meaning "Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?"
- Meaning Cameron: "You’re lucky he didn’t die."
House: "I’m lucky? He’s the one who didn’t die."
- Meaning
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SEASON 4
"You don’t like strong, you don’t like assertive. You like needy. She’s not dying, is she?"
- Don’t Ever Change "She’s scary. Why does scary need pathetic?"
- Don’t Ever Change "People don’t change. For example, I’m gonna keep on repeating ’people don’t change.’"
- Don’t Ever Change "And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don’t try to hide what an ass I am."
- Don’t Ever Change "This isn’t just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she’s conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves.. Oh my God. You’re sleeping with me."
- Don’t Ever Change "How’s our mental Yentl?"
- Don’t Ever Change Slippery slope -- today we withhold porn, tomorrow it’s clean bandages.
-Frozen Coma Guy needs cable. Women’s billiards is the only thing keeping him alive.
-Frozen I’m a complicated man: I loathe her for many reasons.
-Frozen Only if you count Jenna Jameson’s autobiography as a gynecological text.
-Frozen We could, but I’d never forgive myself if we found something before we got to your breasts.
-Frozen Did they teach that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?
-Frozen Tell her to walk north until she runs into a hospital.
-Frozen He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he’s up for this.
-Frozen Your theory is: I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that’s what love is, I don’t want anything to do with it.
-Frozen Who told you it’d be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?
-It’s a Wonderful Lie Homey knows better, Hymie doesn’t care, and Huntington’s would have done a better job.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie I know almost nothing of alien physiology.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie You wanna know every place your mom’s thumb has been?
-It’s a Wonderful Lie Lies are like children: they’re hard work, but it’s worth it because the future depends on them.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie The problem with sleeping with strangers is… they’re strange.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie You talk to your kid about sex so she’ll think you’re open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don’t wanna talk about.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie I figured I could sow dissension and get a few ties and sweaters.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie I remembered I’m not a Satanist. I’m a druid.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie "There’s something freeing about being a loser, isn’t there?"
- Games "Dr. Cuddy -- the face that launched a thousand long faces."
- Games "You got three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You’ve gone for column D; why? The simple answer is: if you don’t try, you can’t fail. Are you really that simple?"
- Games "Odd. You care if I appreciate your music, but you don’t care if you live or die. Maybe the answer really is that simple."
- Games "Clinic’s been quarantined. Patient came in complaining of avian flu like symptoms. And fifty extra dollars in spending money."
- Games "Minus five for ingratitude. No ’Thank you, Doctor,’ ’Here’s a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Doctor.’"
- Games "Pretty sure there’s no irony-body connection. But it’d be ironic if there was."
- Games "You were doing better before you had a good idea."
- Games "I’ve heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV."
- Games "Remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonius Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it."
- Games "You have to leave work by 6pm, but you make time for man dates?"
- You Don’t Want to Know "I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy."
- You Don’t Want to Know "...Also she’s wearing a red bra today. Like I’m the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match."
- You Don’t Want to Know "Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants but that’s not going to help with this particular trick..."
- You Don’t Want to Know "Skirt that tight, you got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you’ve got an IUD."
- You Don’t Want to Know "You handed over her panties; don’t think gallantry’s an option at this point."
- You Don’t Want to Know "Cole has traveled through the forest of crustaceans to bring us a treasure. He has earned his reward."
- You Don’t Want to Know "Would’ve been more impressive if he’d predicted he wasn’t gonna die. Course that takes longer."
- You Don’t Want to Know "I noticed a trend: if no one does anything, sick people often get sicker."
- You Don’t Want to Know "You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds."
- You Don’t Want to Know "Can I stare at your wardrobe and question your ass?"
- Ugly "The less obvious point is, I need my team to be unafraid of the metaphorical fart."
- Ugly "My eyes look better in rooms with summer colors."
- Ugly "I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams."
- Ugly "Because she’s got way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering."
- Ugly "If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession. And the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he’s just another really, really, ugly kid."
- Ugly "You’re right about me being wrong and wrong about you being right."
- Ugly "To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better."
- Ugly "Just a warning: if we have to start getting ’consent’ every time we do a procedure, soon it’ll be ’informed’ consent they’ll want."
- Ugly "You think your dad wants to kill you because you’re so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth."
- Ugly "Come on kid, you’re ugly. Means you gotta be smart enough to know there’s a bigger issue here than your face."
- Ugly "Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?"
- Ugly "Bad ideas indicate an open mind."
- Ugly "We dismissed Lyme Disease hours ago. Put on some mascara and try again."
- Ugly "How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?"
- Ugly "Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle."
- Whatever it Takes "If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college."
- Whatever it Takes "My malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies."
- Whatever it Takes "Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred ridiculous."
- Whatever it Takes "Does the ’I’ in CIA stand for Irony?"
- Whatever it Takes "I’m sorry, who you gonna marginalize? If it’s the housekeeper, she’s got it coming. Cleaning windows means cleaning both sides."
- Whatever it Takes "I know it’d be cool and all but sorry -- the Empire didn’t develop a death toxin to go with their death star."
- Whatever it Takes "You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but…"
- Whatever it Takes "My friends call me ’The Cane.’ Even before I messed up my leg."
- Whatever it Takes "So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?"
- Mirror Mirror "Did you get a raise, because then you’re a whore. Or didn’t you, because then you’re a stupid whore."
- Mirror Mirror "If his name was Attila Von Weinershnitzel I’d say you’re onto something."
- Mirror Mirror "Because if you deal with the patient, he’ll start singing Osmonds songs and proposing to five nurses at once."
- Mirror Mirror "Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight."
- Mirror Mirror "Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests and private rooms for these patients. Fight the power!"
- Mirror Mirror "Someone’s gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That’s how I stay so happy."
- Mirror Mirror "Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa’s lap as I tell you how infections are criminals; immune system’s the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it’ll make us both happy."
- Mirror Mirror "So now you’ve electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication."
- Mirror Mirror "People don’t learn; people don’t change. But you did. You’re a freak."
- Mirror Mirror "I’m a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits."
- Guardian Angels "You actually think I’d take a patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER hadn’t already ruled out embalming fluid?"
- Guardian Angels "Don’t think of it as digging up a body; think of it as keeping another one from getting buried."
- Guardian Angels Cuddy: "Doctor’s lounge is covered in mud."
House: "Thirteen and Manipulative Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello."
- Guardian Angels "Just a little piece of the brain. Seemed a waste, the guy wasn’t using it anymore."
- Guardian Angels "Does my breath smell bated to you?"
- Guardian Angels "I can’t ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it’d be insensitive."
- Guardian Angels "Great. The only way he could turn down any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants."
- Guardian Angels "You couldn’t let her get to second base to get the test done?"
- Guardian Angels "If your organs dangle, you’re the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you’re the yanks."
- 97 Seconds "Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat Bitch?"
- 97 Seconds "I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn’t have to listen that closely."
- 97 Seconds "So we have a new symptom to explain; why does his throat think his lungs are his stomach?"
- 97 Seconds "I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin -- that guy never had a chance."
- 97 Seconds "Suddenly you’re shy? You pooped your pants in front of me. One of the nasty side-effects of dying."
- 97 Seconds "You don’t think non-answers tell me anything?"
- 97 Seconds "Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled."
- 97 Seconds "Oh God, I’m tired of hearing that argument. I don’t have to go to Detroit to know it smells."
- 97 Seconds "Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I’d never hear the end of it."
- 97 Seconds "You many not have legs, but you have ears. I suggest you use them."
- The Right Stuff "Oh Yeah, twenty minutes in my office schmoozing about their love of Algerian surfing movies is a much better system."
- The Right Stuff Greta: "I’m a Captain in the Air Force; about to start a new assignment. NASA’s astronaut training program."
House: "I discovered salt and created FM radio."
- The Right Stuff "Heeeeeeeeere’s Osama!"
- The Right Stuff "Seventeen’s a stupid number."
- The Right Stuff "Stop it! This argument’s distracting every male and lesbian here."
- The Right Stuff "Paging me during Judge Judy -- not a good way to win my affections."
- The Right Stuff "So you called me? The guy with one good leg and zero leverage."
- The Right Stuff "Luckily violence isn’t the last resort. Extortion is. Go ahead. Extort her."
- The Right Stuff "Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people."
- The Right Stuff "It’s a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude; she’ll be fine. It is a myth, isn’t it? Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind."
- The Right Stuff "Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?"
- The Right Stuff "And don’t forget her chesticles."
- The Right Stuff "The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it."
- The Right Stuff "I don’t know who’s been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they’re already fired."
- The Right Stuff Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."
- Alone "I’m thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head."
- Alone "Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can’t hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don’t like having sex with them?"
- Alone House: "Are you a fan of symmetry?"
Young Doctor: "Sure."
House: "Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts."
- Alone "By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup."
- Alone
11:53 PM
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