Can you mapquest those thoughts?
Current mood: argumentative
Category: Blogging

I'm not good at small talk. I just stare at people, like what is the point? Have you ever been around someone who communicates so poorly you want them to Mapquest their thoughts to you? My grandmother is that way, bless her heart, but damn, she never gets to the point of anything.

I'm trying to borrow some money for an ice coffee (which I love), and all she wants to do is talk about how she thinks there is a flying squirrel with diabetes living in her attic – and she's 'scurred'. I'm like what? Can you maps.google this granny? Cause seriously I don't care you think there is a squirrel with a cape flying around in your attic like a deranged monkey on Ecstacy. Seriously.

Right now we are at the start address of me listening to you ramble about how happy you are at what a great deal you got on a Billy Ray Cyrus bandana at the local flea market, but that has nothing to do with the destination address of letting me borrow some damn money.

Let's get to the destination faster. We don't need to be taking dirt roads, not with that old brain of yours. You need to get to bingo and I need that ice coffee, now go to the jewelry box and give me all the money from your 'secret compartment' you've been saving up for a GPS sytem.

8:02 PM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

MY BLOG IS ON BLOGSPOT - PLEASE READ/SUBSCRIBE

I keep an active blog on blogspot which details my internal ramblings, things I think are funny, and typical pensive cognition: JUSITNKMCCLURE.BLOGSPOT.COM.

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2:31 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Panacea to end all Earthquakes!!
Current mood: brilliant
Category: brilliant Blogging

Everyone in California is scared for the next big earthquake- DON'T BE. I have the solution to eliminate all future earthquakes...pollute and contaminate the environment as much as possible, do everything you can to destroy our natural environment.

Why? Well pollution creates smog, the smog combines with our clouds and comes back down to earth in the form of precipitation/rain, then it runs into our rivers, streams, and oceans. Finally it all runs back into the San Andreas Fault. get it? If we can FILL UP the San Andreas Fault with pollution and contamination then it cannot create anymore earthquakes! We need to fill the San Andreas Fault with everything we don't need....soloflex machines, hippies, trash, fat people, ugly people, etc.

I have a one week program that will fill up the San Andreas Fault, thus letting us relax knowing no more earthquakes will ever come. Now start this program on a Monday, because studies show you'll stick with something when you start on a Monday. Ever tried to lose weight on a Wednesday? You are eating cake by Friday. Dont' start on Wednesday, you won't commit...start on Monday.

Monday....sell your car and buy an 18 wheel big rig truck, then take your kids to school and soccer practice. This exhaust will get in the atmosphere.
Someone's parent might say 'hey why are you driving your kids around in an 18 wheeler big rig, and you say 'Listen bitch, I'm doing my part to prevent earthquakes, and I don't care what you think of me anyhow', because peer pressure doesn't affect you anyhow, you got over that in the 10th grade, thats why you didn't win Student Council Secretary that year, but you learned your lesson. Focus on the campaign.  You can't let peer pressure get to you, even if you are ugly and not talented.

Tuesday...when you go to the grocery store and they say 'Paper or Plastic?', you say 'Asbestos'. Get it? You are doing your part.

Wednesday...this is a big day, hump day, no not the hump on your girlfriends back, thats scoliosis, we are talking about the middle of the week...hump day, focus; need to go big here: buy a chemical plant. Any chemical plant will do, we need to get chemicals into the ozone and atmosphere. If you can't afford a chemical plant, start a meth lab. If you can't afford a meth lab, look into Capitol One financing, they have really good deals these days. Zero % interest the first year, thats a great deal in this market,  it's going to enable you to focus on profit and build a core management team; not having to pay off the principal is huge in the first year. Dont' go with Discover, they have hidden charges all over the place..check the fine print, plus Discover charges for online banking, you don't need that, it's free with Capitol One. Let's make good decisions here.

Thursday...burn tires, all day long. Get your fellas to come over, put on some jerseys, pretend it's a sporting event- it's going to be sweet. Michelin, Goodyear are good tires to burn, but I recommend Firestone. Firestone makes a very durable tire which creates a nice creamy smoke which will create more consistent smog. Also, bring some marshmellows to roast while you are burning tires...you'll need the extra energy. Burning tires is a tough workout; the marshmellows will help replace some of the energy you burn. You'll need it, cause Friday is a big day.

Friday...replace all the water in your pipes at home with oil. Let's get some oil into the waters. If you don't know how to do this, watch Tim Allen's Home Improvement, 3rd season, episode 4 I believe..he gives a good example. Start flushing oil down your toilet and drains, this will pollute our waters which is what we need to be doing. Keep oil in your car also, because if you drive by a natural water source, just dump the oil in directly. This cuts out the middle man...2 birds.

Saturday...take it off, think about Sunday...it's a big day.

Sunday...launch all hippies into the San Andreas Fault from a catapult. Let's get them all in the desert, good place for a giant catapult. This might be tricky, but we can do it...think teamwork. What we can do to get them in the desert is say there is a Phish revival concert in the desert and if they (the hippies) get to the concert on time then they get a free velcro Grateful Dead poster, or maybe a hackysack- they will come, trust me they have nothing else to do.
Once the hippies get to the disclosed location, we get them to stand in one place. They are waiting for the concert and unaware they are standing on a boobie trap, which is grass and leaves on top of a catapult. Next...we launch the hippies INTO the San Andreas Fault. They won't mind the launch because they love to 'get high' anyhow, so they will be confused...dumbasses.

One by one they are launched into the San Andreas Fault like a human tetris game, they fill up the Fault and BAM...NO MORE EARTHQUAKES!!!!

Finally California is safe from earthquakes and our sidewalks are clean, thats 2 more birds, 4 total birds in the joke....thats a good week.

(Hippies are annoying and useless, get lost and jump into the San Andreas Fault)

6:24 PM - 7 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

Porn Tards
Current mood: ecstatic

Porn is boring. It's all been done before...we've seen it all so many times.

But there is a new wave of porn talent shaking of the industry, they are going to revolutionize the porn industry - they call themselves Porn Tards, yes precisely, retarded people having sex. Porn Tards!

Don't laugh, these porn tards are SERIOUS about sex, serious about getting paid for sex, serious about candy, and serious about getting paid with candy. You give a porn tard a pack of FunDip and a Fiddle Faddle and she'll slob your knob all day long....or until recess, either way it will be a great Columbus Day.

You think this is mean? I think it's mean to have tards working in places likve movie theatres and 7'11s, there's no money in that. In the porn industry these porn tards will have the money to buy things they need like suspenders, paper airplane books, pinwheel hats, and gigantic Radiers helmets for their enormous tard heads.

Porn tards have sex differently. First of all the positions are different. They don't have sex missionary style, instead they call it Pictionary style, cause they are retarded and can't find the right holes unless you draw them on the body, otherwise they will try to fuck an armpit or a kneecap...they don't know what to do, they are retarded and happy walking around with a jolly rancher- you have to point them in the right direction.

Ladies, when a porn tard bends you over cross-eyed doggie style, they will slap your ass, but not in the conventional way, more in the retarded way where they keep hitting their stomach and then your ass in a reverse motion, but studies that I make up show this method actually increases serotonin levels so you orgasm faster. The point? If you want a great orgasm, get mounted by a porn tard - any tard at your local Burger King will do.

Lastly, ladies..69 position is better with a porn tard. Ladies, how many times have you almost fallen off your guys face..a lot, I know, but with a porn tard you don't have to worry about that because they have gigantic heads and you will never fall off, saddle up, it's almost like sitting on a couch their heads are so big...you have to enjoy the position.

Also, most guys make weird contorted faces when they orgasm, but not a porn tard. why? well cause they are retarded, what other faces can they make besides the retarded one they already have?

If morality is your issue, don't worry, porn tards also do soft-core. This is where they slobbily make out with tard music in the background, something like the theme song to Barney or some Alvin and the Chipmunks...it's sets the mood. You won't see cold pizza on the table like you would in other porno's, instead you'll see CandyLand or maybe the dvd series of 'Life Goes On'.

Porn Tards! PORN TARDS!

12:37 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Enough with your organic foods. Cram it.

If I hear another person tell me about organic foods I'm going to give a baby a diaper wedgie. What is this obsession with organic foods? I don't get it.

The other day I had a banana and my friend was like 'Is it organic? Justin, you should only eat organic bananas.' Who cares? It fell off a damn tree in the jungle. I don't care if a baboon wiped his blue butt with it and then stabbed a rattlesnake, it's still fruit in the middle.
'Justin you wouldn't eat that banana if you knew where it has been.' Oh really? I don't know where it's been, but it's BEEN delicious. how about that?
'It has pesticides in it...'. So what, today I had a banana with pesticides, yesterday I ate a tarantula with bad gas and a broken hip, you think I care? I got up at 7:30, ran a marathon, and called my mom...she had bad gas.

The only think organic with the banana is the organic dump you take 6-8 hours later...intestinal times may vary.

I love to eat meat, but my friends tell me I should eat organic meat cause the animals are raised with less stress. Less stress, really? are you kidding me? What stress does a chicken have? I've never seen a chicken with a mortgage payment. That's a bad loan for the chicken. Broker is like 'hey we have a 30 year ARM at 45% interest, how does that sound? Chicken is like 'bok bok bok'...bad deal for the chicken, especially in a bear market.
I've never seen a chicken with an annoying girlfriend...now thats stress.
Do they give chickens pedicures and deep tissue massages at these stress free farms? if so, I want to live there cause I've got rent in 2 weeks and my electric bill hasnt been paid in 4 months.
Stress free chickens...am I going to order a chicken and see it in a yoga pose because he died stress free? If you see a dead chicken in a tai chi position, don't worry..he died peacefully...no stress.

Listen, we are evolved beings, a product of millions of years of evolution- we are like machines. We can eat anything. Why do you think we have fingernails? Cause we used to eat tree bark.
You think Keyrock the caveman yelled at his kids cause they didnt have enough fiber in their diet? 'No more wooly mammoth creme brule for you until you eat more saber tooth tiger.' No, they didn't care. Cavemen would eat a pine cone and then go over to the Flinstone's house and have an orgy with Fred and Wilma, Barney would probably watch cause he is a sick freak.

(Once again I hit the nail on the head with this one...I'm right on as always)

5:42 PM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

'Boys Gone Wild'. Where are those videos?
Current mood: mischievous

Here is the question: Where are the 'Boys Gone Wild' videos?

Are girls the only one's going wild? I don't think so. I know right now there a group of drunk fraternity boys pushing over newspaper stands, peeing on raccoons, and mooning girl scouts from the back of taxi cabs with their turkey neck balls hanging down like staligmites in an Afghanistan cave. Why? Cause those boys are wild.

I know somewhere right now there is a guy drunk off draft beer and he's showing his penis to his best friend. That guy doesn't care that it's only 2 inches long, uncircumcised, and bent to the left like a wind dial. why? Cause he's wild. Deserves to be in a video, put that guy in 'Boys Gone Wild'.

People go crazy in groups. Girls and guys always go crazy in groups. You never see a sorority chick show her pancake tities to her professor without an audience. During the day she is insecure, writes in her journal, listens to Alanis Morissette, but at night after a few cosmo's with her girls she is flashing her tits like Compton police lights at a hip hop club on Saturday night.
Guy's can't do this. If a guy does something sexual with his guy friends, there is no recovery from that- If your friend drags his ball sack across your face and tried to give you a hairy moustache kiss as you are watching CSI, you aren't going to forget that over your morning breakfast cereal.

This is why there are no 'Boys Gone Wild' DVDs, because when guys go wild they really go GAY. It's true. Thats why they have gay theaters and homo book stores. You have a gay experience with your friends when you are drunk, well the next thing you know you are doing hand stands in a gay book store with your shirt off wearing MC Hammer pants. Some guy named Franco is tea-bagging you on Tuesday's...Boys Gone Gay.

Girl's can overlook sexual experiences. Two girls get drunk, french kiss, and then get locked up in a big 69, they just laugh it off the next day over pedicures. 'Hey last night was fun, your pedicure is nice, let's do it again tonight...try to keep your tongue in your mouth.' Boom. Done.

But you invite your friend Ben over for Super Bowl Sunday and he has too many Amstel Lights, squats over your friend Dan and tries to take a Taco Bell dump on his face, well...all of a sudden Super Bowl Sunday  has a different meaning next year, you aren't going to invite Ben back.
'Here comes Ben, hey don't invite that queer over anymore...that fucker tried to shit on me.  He always makes the popcorn, I dont know if thats butter in the popcorn or.......'

4:04 PM - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Naming Hurricanes and Tornados
Current mood: hyper

I'm not so scared of hurricanes, but they could make hurricanes more ominous if they gave them scary names. Who is scared of a hurricane named Kristina? Come on, what is scary about a Kristina? She's 5'7, got big boobs, loves tequila, and prefers doggie style over missionary...ya know...the girl you want to find, NOT RUN FROM.

Nobody is going to run from Kristina, however, you tell me Hurricane IRS is on the radar then I'm heading out of town- I'm leaving faster than a pedophile at a nursing home.
"Aww man, my family and I are ruined...damn hurricane IRS....it came through and wiped out everything we had. Damn IRS took my Garbage Pail collection, lava lamp, and Girls Gone Wild dvd. That damn IRS took everything!"
I guarantee you, if Hurricane Anal Sex was on the horizon, we wouldn't need the Weather Channel to tell us to run for cover. Nobody hears 'anal sex' and thinks 'hey, good times'.
"Hey man, I'm getting the hell out of town ("Why?"). You didn't hear? Hurricane Anal Sex is 60 miles away and I can't deal with that. That happened to me back in college and I still haven't gotten over it...I'm gone!"

And why are we naming hurricanes and not other natural disasters....like tornados? What is so special about a hurricane, are they more important than a tornado? Tornado's do us a favor, they wipe out tons of useless white trash every year, and I think they deserve to be named just as much as a lousy hurricane which is usually downgraded to a tropical storm anyhow. If we did name tornados, we would have to give them appropriate white trash names to associate the tornado to the redneck country it devastates.
"Channel 4 here to report the overwhelming wreckage of Tornado Cooter. Let me tell you, Cooter has already destroyed 7,000 mobile homes, 7,000 monster trucks, 1 computer, and 7,000 people who still think Elvis is alive and working in a Waffle House. These Nascar fans aren't sure where to go, it's been reported that some Cooter victims have even taken refuge in a library, but aren't sure about 'all those things that look like squares with paper and letters inside'.
It seems bad luck here in Pocola, Oklahoma, especially after the devastation from Tornado Sweet Tea a few months ago, and who can forget the wreckage and devastation left by tornado Biscuits and Gravy."

I think it's time we name tornados, give them the credit they deserve, and give hurricanes scary names (like the name of my ex-girlfriend).

12:45 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Jamba Juice imbroglio
Current mood: silly

People think Jamba Juice is healthy, but it's not, might as well drink a bag of sugar with a shot of water, cause thats what you are getting, but from time to time I like to get a Jamba Juice.

They always want to know what kind of boost you want, you have to get a boost...it's all about the boost. I usually get a protein boost, but then I found out what was in the protein boost, you aren't going to believe me.....panda bear semen. Nasty right? I know, but thats what the kid told me and I believed him because he looked 17 and full of wisdom.

I'm like 'panda bear...semen?'. Well, I'm open minded so I told him I would try it out cause I needed some protein.
He said 'well actually sir we are out of the panda bear semen, but if you want, the panda bear is in the back, you can go back and jerk him off yourself.'
Jerk off a panda bear? I don't need protein that bad I don't think.

I go in the back and this panda bear is sitting on a bean bag chair sipping on some Keystone light, chewing on some bamboo jerky talking about 'Whats up?'.
He's trying to jerk off to some koala bear porn and I think it was like a pedophile panda bear cause these koala bears couldnt' have been more than 2 years old, thats disgusting.

I draw the line at pedophilia. I do not support pedophilia.............................among animals, I do not. I draw the line. It's not right, now with children, well thats another story.

I thought I would get another boost, I asked for the fiber, and you aren't going to believe whats in a fiber boost, but apparently manatee dookie is very fiberous, must be all the seaweed I guess.

11:28 AM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Beware of Energy Drinks!!!
Current mood: creative

I feel kinda wound up cause I just had an energy drink. These energy drinks give us a lot of energy, but I'm not sure they are that healthy for us. I drank an energy drink the other day, looked on the side for ingredients and all it said was 'Radiation!'......and two strawberries.

Great, I'm drinking strawberry radiation.

I drank the can in like 30 seconds. The next thing I know I'm glowing. I look like a giant lightning bug; little kids are chasing me around with Mason jars trying to put me inside...'Daddy, look at the giant lightning bug, can we keep him?'

My energy was out of control. I went to the restroom, had gas, farted a lighting bolt. It's true, don't laugh, it wasn't funny cause I killed a man and he was very important....he worked at Enron.
I pissed so much uranium that I could have made a nuclear submarine.

I woke up the next morning and I STILL had tons of energy, so I ran to work....San Francisco to Alaska- took me 5 minutes. On the way I'm passing cars in the car pool lane, milking cows, and I delivered 5 babies, I didn't even know I knew how to deliver babies....withouth dropping them. It was crazy.

I get to work and I run around my cubicle 400 times like a baby chihuahua, and then I sat on my balls like an adult chihuahua, and then I humped the secretary like a politician. It was the energy drink, crazy.

My boss is like 'Justin, you have great energy today...whats the secret?'. I'm like 'Radiation...been drinking it by the can'.
He's like 'Do you have anymore?'.
'No, but I have a jug of antifreeze I was going to drink later, I guess I could give you a sip or something.'

11:12 AM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Wearing a Pro Jersey doesn't make you an Athlete (makes you a moron)

Wearing a Pro uniform doesn't make you an athlete- it makes you a moron.

so the other day I was at a nudist colony, or as I like to call it....the 24 hour fitness locker room and I saw this guy in FULL L.A. Laker attire. He was wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey, Kobe Bryan't shoes, pants, and he even had Kobe Bryant's penis, now that was weird considering this guy was a fat albino. I was freaked out so I told him 'Dad, please get out of my shower.'
Now.

Seriously, this guy was in full L.A. Laker uniform (too much yellow for me, I call it the 'BumbleBee Syndrome'). This guy was strutting around in his L.A. Laker uniform thinking real athletes (like me) were impressed. No, you are an idiot! You're an AIDS germ that got off the scale...a moron.

Why do people wear pro jerseys? At some point do they think the coach is going to put them in the game? I don't think I remember seeing this guys fat ass on the roster.
I can't imagine a scenario where Kobe Bryant is hurt and they are going to put this guy in the game.

Dumbass Laker coach: "Ok Kobe is hurt...what do we do?"
Dumbass Laker assistant: "Hey, I saw a big bald fat guy walking around with Kobe Bryan'ts uniform. I saw him munching on some Extreme Doritos and sipping on some Mountain Dew Edge. He sells sheet metal over in Pacifica."
Dumbass Laker coach: "Find him, put him in the game!"

No, that conversation is not going to happen. This guy is not going to get the call.

While I'm at it, have you noticed the size of athletic jerseys increase as fat-ass American's get older and fatter? These mongaloid fat ass sports freaks will change sports just to fit into the jersey. Think about it, when a guy is a lean/cut 22 year old, he'll wear the basketball uniform cause he can fit into it, but by the time he is 35 the only thing he can fit in is a hockey uniform talking about 'Yeah I love hockey'.

Yeah you love hockey you dumbass, you live in Florida....there is no snow there, you like hockey now just so you can fit in a damn uniform while you much on snacks in front of your big screen TV. THats why they have hockey in states like Florida and Texas, just to give these fat-asses some athletic attire to sport. There's no snow there!

by the time a guy reaches 45 all he can fit into is a Hefty trash bag with masking tape on the back for numbers talking about 'I like all sports'.


(8,209,153 people agree that real athletes actually play sports and don't give a shit about athletes on TV)

3:59 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment