...I hope you enjoy this as much as I do... are we ready?...
Current mood: artistic
...cuz it's all about CONTROL.... and I've got LOTS of it!!!
I will never forget as long as I live the night that I was watching good old "Friday Night Videos" on that fateful night back in early 1986 and this bizarre video came on by Michael Jackson's chubby little sister Janet, and it had the amazingly cumbersome title of "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" I actually laughed out loud (to no one at all) and said (to no one at all) "Janet JACKSON is trying to have a MUSIC CAREER?!??!??" I was even more tickled by the way Janet kept weaving her head back and forth in the first 2 minutes of the video (having no idea that within the next 6 months I would have perfected that move myself)...
...but then when the group started dancing I kinda sat there with my mouth open... i could not believe how different the moves were, it wasn't that super-mega-ultra-gay-looking musical theatre shit full of Extra Big Jazz Hands™, torso contractions and pretty pirouettes that end in a full layout while whipping your hair back (see Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" video). I didn't realize at the time that the tiny girl with the giant hair, the oversized white blouse and the black stretch pants dancing next to Janet was Paula Abdul, and that she was responsible for the mid-80's dance revolution that was beginning with the video I was now watching and laughing at.
When the next single (for "Nasty") came out that May, this time I was glued to the TV and could not take my eyes off of Miss Janet as she danced with all these hot young guys... it was hot, it was funky, it had attitude, and she looked soooooo angry, but sexy.
I loved it! I sometimes wonder if she was making some kind of statement with the spotlight that follows her everywhere throughout the video (like maybe "This is what it's like to grow up in the Jackson family, NOW can you see why I'm so angry?!??!")
I didn't buy my copy of Control until after we moved to Phoenix in June of 1986 and it immediately became one battered cassette tape that I never went anywhere without (just in case there was a boombox somewhere I happened to go). As the singles kept coming ("When I Think Of You" in July of '86, "Control" in October, "Let's Wait Awhile" in January of 1987 and 'The Pleasure Principle" in May of '87) and their accompanying videos kept getting cooler and cooler (I still love the dancing in "When I Think Of You") my love for this album kept growing and growing. I think even my mom knew some of the lyrics because I played it so much. Whenever I listen to it, it always takes me back to a very innocent time in my life when all I wanted to do was be one of Janet's "kids" and live for dancing and music and having fun.
SO, I could not have been more thrilled when Devina told us that she had been hired to be the emcee of BS West's huge annual Halloween show, and that she was being given a chance to perform as well. That year's theme was SOLID GOLD - THE 80's so everyone was doing 80's numbers, and Devina decided to do a medley of classic Janet Jackson from Control! I was ecstatic with joy, and was happy to be assigned the adaptation of the choreography for the original "What Have You Done For Me Lately?".
Lifting choreography from a video can be very tricky, especially when they do all sorts of quick cuts... it can make it quite frustrating to try and learn the moves... but I lucked out, because I had on an old video tape the original performance that Janet did of "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" on none other than Solid Gold in early 1986! She was introduced by Dionne Warwick (of course) and had only 2 dancers with her, and looks extremely shy on stage. The great thing was that you could see the dance moves a lot easier, so this helped me out greatly. Of course, there are always gaps in choreography where they aren't dancing (or sometimes even if they are it's not being filmed for the video, like in extreme closeups) and for that you have to come up with your own stuff to fill in the gaps, which we all had to do (Jay-R was responsible for the "Control" choreography, which we used Janet's 1987 performance at the American Music Awards for, and Justin did the "Nasty" choreography, which I think he used both the video and some of the later concert footage for). We worked VERY hard on this medley, and when we got to BS West that night and performed it, it went over like a houseafire.
Now, I will have an actual video of that performance at a later time, but right now I have the version from our 2005 New Year's Eve performance at Pookie's Café (and you can hear the introduction being given by DJ Tony).
That was so much fun to do that night, and a great way to bring in the new year. I think Devina nailed her 1986 look, too, don't you?
Here is another new upload that Peter has gotten processed for me! This was the second time we performed at Phoenix's annual Rainbow's Festival (it's like Gay Pride, but it's free) and even though it's in October, it's still usually triple-digit temperatures.... SO, we were very grateful to Devina for allowing us to be comfortable and performing in our jeans and the "fire" shirts (I actually love that shirt and have worn it even when I'm not performing). This was the first time we performed a Rihanna song with Devina (it was actually the first of FOUR Rihanna songs we have done with her) and it still kinda holds a special place in my heart, because it was just a fun number to do (and Jay-R's choreography, while not overly intricate, was perfectly suited to that monster hit from the summer of 2005). Check it out...
...and in case you were wondering, you see the exact moment in this video at which the following picture was snapped and wound up in Echo Magazine (much to my everlasting horror)...
...I had no idea I could look so stupid. I much preferred this shot...
...or this one...
...or hell, even this one, belly flash and all...
But still, it was a great time. There are soon more memories to follow (and thanks to Peter's awesome transfer abilities, the video stays in sync and is a zillion times clearer than when *I* upload them).
BTW, Tom and I guffawed our way through the Idol results mess tonight... I love McFadden & Whitehead's "Aint No Stoppin' Us Now" but seeing the two Davids and the Syesha doing that cheeseball hustle made me long for Star Search and Sam Harris.
I also found it very interesting to see the absolute night and day difference between this season's snoozers and when Fantasia Barrino and her backup singers/dancers took the stage... some smart cameraman got an awesome shot of Simon Cowell staring at her with his mouth agape and looking like the British halfwit that he is. Fantasia has a vital quality and an energy that not one of this years Best. Top. 24. Ever. could even hope to come close to. She's not the most technically gifted singer, but she commands the stage, and she can give you raw soul that just feels mighty real! And dammit, she's just interesting to watch... it was one of the few moments this season when I woke up out of my half-daze. Sorry Randy Jackson, but that was a hot one, and she really worked it out!
The results themselves were not surprising at all, so it's to be battle of the Davids... Smirky McSmugMug vs. Nervous McLipLicks. I'm sure this year's sappy ballad will fit David Archuleta like a limp glove. Ugh. I'm glad this shit is about to be over for another year.
...higher than any bird ever flu...
Current mood: geeky
I caught the last 10 minutes of TMZ's silly TV show tonight, and happened to hear them talking about former American Idol contestant Kristy Lee Cook (you know, the one who sold her horse to a glue factory in order to have enough money to go to the audition... because her previous record deal with Arista Nashville and friendship with Britney Spears didn't pay enough?) and how she was going to go have her nails done at a local salon in her "hometown" of Grant's Pass, OR... apparently Kristy was soooooo worried about being mobbed at the salon by scads and scads of adoring fans that she called the salon and asked if she could be ushered in the back door to avoid a messy riot of people screaming for her to sing "Amazing Grace" in front of a confederate flag again.... except, nobody was there, none of the salon workers are Idol fans, they had never even heard of this crazy bitch calling and acting like a legend in her living room... she was able to go in and get her nails done without being pestered for autographs, and she apparently had enough time to go digging for green gold (boogies) in her nose while the other hand was being worked on...
I bet that nail tech really wanted to touch her nails after that! Ugh... how sad is that? She should have learned from her time in Hollywood to call the pavarottis before she goes out to make sure there'd be a scene. Silly bitch!
So tonight's Final-nal-nal-nal-nal-nal-nal Three-ree-ree-ree-ree-ree-ree were supposedly given the authority to choose one of their songs, while the others were chosen by the judges and the producers respectively. All showcased extremely bad taste in music.
Ryan starts tonight's show on a nostalgic note by mentioning that last summer three people auditioned for American Idol... a High School Student Who Is Being Abused By His Overbearing Stage Dad (David *giggle* Archuleta)... a Blacktress (Syesha *hammy mugs* Mercado)... and a BARtender (David *looking pissed at Ryan* Cook)! He goes on to say that this. is. the. closest. race. ever. Heyyyyy, I thought it was The. Best. Top. Three. Ever.?!?? Slipping into his queenella mode, Ryan asks Randy Jackson if he's "wearing the sky" (which was so apropos, because Randy's shirt looked like the sky... if said sky was directly over Mount St. Helens when it erupted... that shirt was black-ish and kinda ugly). Ryan needs new Lasik surgery. And more botox. And more fake tan, because he isn't orange enough to be an Oompah Loompah just yet (but he is short enough). He also points out "glittery Paula" who looks like she's wearing a tacky beaded cocktail dress that she probably usually saves for funerals in Vegas. Lastly, Ryan becomes the pot calling the kettle on it's plastic surgery by pointing out that Simon hasn't aged a day since the show started... yes, he still has a sour face like a cat's ass...
...no surprise there. Ryan turns to introduce the three remaining "singers"... Hey, is David Archuleta wearing yet anotherMembers Only jacket? Maybe it's the Sears knock-off called Participants Solely™ instead? Syezzzzzzzsha is wearing beaded pageant gown and looks ready for her on-stage question about how she'd save the world if she is chosen as The One... I mean, American Idol. David Cook is doing his best Miami Vice impression by wearing the ever-popular sport-coat-over-a-T-shirt look (come to think of it, his stubble is very Crockett-like).
We are whisked away to Utah where the mayor of David Archuleta's town appears to have stepped right out of Young Guns XIX (Really Old Guns.... I loved his stars'n'bars shirt, too... you can see his creepy dad standing behind him, and also his mom, who looks like she's about 12) and Mayor McCheesy tells David that Paula Abdul has sent him a message to reveal that the song she has "chosen" for him (ha ha) is "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse! Just kidding, she chose to have him sing "And So It Goes" by every boring white man's hero... Billy Joel! Paula says this song has a great level of difficulty in the melody and will show off the "beauful tamber" of David's voice.
It's typical David balladry, with syrupy strings and lots of echo effects, and then David FUCKS UP THE LYRICS! Ooooh, no he DI-ent! *snap* Once he finishes he gives himself a GIANT lip-lick.... like he was dying to do that during the entire song, but is afraid of another whuppin' (and Daddy Beat-Chu-Later is prolly in a really bad mood this week after being booted from the set).
Randy says he's happy David got to sing this and that it's a "dope song". Huh? Billy Joel is "dope"? Move ovah Fitty Cent, you got some competition from Da Bee-Jay in the "dope" department! Paula preens like she just gave birth to a fully grown 17-year-old singing prodigy and says that David is a "storyteller". Or maybe it was "sorry feller"... it's hard to tell with her mushmouth diction. Hey! There's a sign that says "I ? DAVIDA!" Maybe that's going to be his drag name someday! Simon proves himself the master of understatement when he says it was "predictable" and "not outstanding" to which the so-called "most pit" bimboes all start screaming at him that he's wrong wrong wroooooong! Ryan continues to prove himself unable to keep from squeezing poor David like a super-tasty ripe tomato at Whole Foods Market. David just cringes like usual and smiles that same vacant and slightly stupid toothy grin. Man, it is just so completely asinine... if these judges think Billy Joel is "dope" then I'd hate to see what they think is "bland".
We move on to Ryan saying that they are going to show video of Syesha Mercado in Tampa receiving her text message from Randy about his song choice for her. They cut to Syesha with her old afro hair in the back of a limo that could have been anywhere supposedly reading Randy's text message telling her that she's going to sing "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys... the very same song she performed on the doomed TV show The One (one of the lowest ever rated series premieres in ABC history). Randy lies when Ryan asks him why he picked this song for Syesha to sing and instead of saying that she already had sung it before he just says it's "young" and "hot" and that he knew she "loves Alicia as much as" he does. Whatever, Randy, if everyone else can find this out with a simple YouTube search, why can't you just admit you picked it for her because you figured she already had practice with singing it?
Oh well, off she goes to bore us to tears.... the most emotion she can summon is her slightly furrowed brow... it is completely lacking in all the passion that Alicia always performed it with.... which is exactly what goes wrong with Syesha over and over again... she keeps picking well-known songs that have been absolutely killed by their original artists, all she can possibly hope to do is give a pale karaoke imitation that lacks any kind of life or love or soul.
Randy (of course) says yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo it was "amazing" and that Syesha is "peaking at the right time". Paula looks sheepish and says that it is difficult to do a song that is "so identifiable" with an amazing artist like Alicia is, but that Syesha looks "stunning" (her usual fallback position which basically means "You sucked donkey dick like a cum chummer!") to which 'Esha says "Thanks, gir-rul!" Sing it, sister! Simon just says she looks gorgeous (uh huh, cum-chummer-donkey-dick-suck) and goes on to say he wishes Randy hadn't chosen such a well-known song for Syesha. Ryan asks if Sy has been "holding back" up to this point on the show, and here's where I suddenly realized that Syesha is playing a caricature of some kind tonight because she's suddenly using an overly exaggerated Southern Accent when she says "Ah'm jes tryin t'be mah-SAY-ilf, y'know??!?"
Yes, maybe "country bumpkin" will work for her better than "Alicia wannabee".
We are again whizzed away to Kansas City, and David Cook's appearance on a morning show there. In the middle of the interview, David pretends (badly) that he "forgot" to turn off his cell phone (oh, please!) and reads the supposed text-message from Simon that says "David, UR hott! Cum 2 my hotel rm in L.A. nxt Sat, I want 2 C U & do some 420 w/Jason C.! TTYL! xoxo Cowell" and then realizes that was the message meant for DAVIDA and reads the one where Simon tells him he's going to sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack. David Cook openly grimaces on the TV program because he knows damn well he can't touch Roberta Flack, or even hope to try. And could it be any faker? I mean, jeez, do they really think everyone is so stupid as to believe that someone would go on a TV show and actually answer a text message in mid-interview? Just for that the Idol Hair-Salon should give David a totally blowdried straight-back style so we can see just how far his hairline has receded behind his eight-head!
When asked, Simon says he chose the song because it's a great tie-in with Leona Lewis' new album Spirit and she sings the very same song.... HA, just kidding! He claims he picked it because it's one of the greatest songs of all time and that he wants David to show his "originality" on it... and that all his previous girlfriends say that his gorgeous face inspired the song for them. Ryan gets in a small gay-jab when he smirks and says "So you chose it for David Cook?" and raises a sardonic eyebrow (I had no idea he could do that with all that botox!) and David Cook looks really uncomfortable at the thought of having to rub Simon's man-boobs.
David does his usual goaty-vibrato thing and his painful-diarrhea-faces and look, there's a lady in red light being highlighted in the audience! Gee, d'you think it's his mother? I noticed that he is not so good when he's required to sing softly, the weaknesses of his voice become more apparent. This song is about five minutes long in it's original form and has a slow build, but of course this is Idol, where we rob all songs of any build so we can keep them at 90 seconds or less. Randy says check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out check it out and that he wishes Simon hadn't chosen such a recognizable song for David because David is a "rocker-dude". Yeah, well so was my grandpa. Paula says that David is now her "second favorite singer" of that song. Paula has ears of tin. Simon (of course) says that David was "brilliant" and that "Round One goes to Cook and Cowell!" like that's how things are decided on this show... except maybe they really are, who knows? David doesn't pass up a chance to score some extra brown-noser points with the female 3/4ths of the audience by publicly wishing his mother a "Happy Belated Mother's Day!" like he just wasn't able to talk to her on Sunday at all. Awwwww, how calculating of him!
...Pandering asshole. I get so sick of his smugface antics and constantly mouthing "Thank you, thank you" to the audience with such an air of magnanimosity after he does yet another of his awesomely original songs that was arranged successfully by someone else.
Whaaaaatever. We're back to see the choices the contestant's made for themselves, and left to wonder why they would pick such idiotic songs if they really were allowed to pick (and I'm not so sure of that). David Archuleta is back again to bore us to tears with his version of Chris Brown's "With You"... he giggles nervously and says it wasn't easy to learn the song, and then awkwardly lurches center stage to perform it. We quickly learn why David was even more nervous about this song, because HE FUCKS UP THE LYRICS AGAIN!!! TWICE IN ONE SHOW!!! Classic! David is also doing a funny little dance that's kind of emulating the bouncing he's going to get on Ryan Seacrest's dick (if Ryan had his way... maybe David is just being all Lolita-like and teeeeeeasing him but good... take THAT, Ryan!). To hear David singing lyrics like "my boo" and "l'il mama" made me accidentally blow-snort a great big booger onto my notepad that I had to try to write around for the rest of the night. I also notice that David is staying well out of the reach of the MPB's (Mosh Pit Bimboes). His smile looks more like a rictus of agony that's been beaten into a smile over and over again.
Randy immediately calls him on his lack of street-cred for singing a song with lyrics about "my boo" and that he just didn't believe David doing that song... he goes on to suggest "It's Raining Men" the next time David is allowed to choose for himself. Paula just says he did a great job and that it was nice to see him not do a ballad... huh? I thought it sounded pretty balladized to me, but then again I'm not hearing it under the same circumstances as Paula (under a bottle of vodka, a handful of Percocet and a tab of sweet, sweet acid). Simon goes right for David's nervous little throat when he says it was like a "Chihuahua trying to be a tiger" (nice use of mixed metaphors there, Simon, since Chihuahuas are canine and tigers are feline) and also calls him out on his "awkward dancing" which isn't fair because Paula probably taught him that move on a day when her seas were probably relatively calm. Ryan snarkily calls Simon "my boo" and gives David's voting call-in numbers while attempting to shove a finger up his anus as David squirms.
We're back to Syesha Whatsherface again, wearing her second beaded pageant gown of the evening, and still talkin' countrifried she says she chose to sing "Fever" by Peggy Lee (but she really meant to say Beyoncé's version from "The Fighting Temptations") and that she was "gonna use a chay-ir!" and "work it a-owt a liddle" and have fun happy times with fever! Yeah! Look at her dance! Look at her flirt with the bass player! Look at her sit down on the chair! That made the performance! Well, it made it that much more silly, anyhow. I have seen a lot of drag queens do the Beyoncé version with exactly the same kind of exaggerated Betty-Boop motion, and she was smiling inappropriately (this song is not necessarily an overly happy one, the whole message is about a consuming desire that is like a sickness, and that's nothing to really smile about... instead it requires someone to affect a rather sensual smolder). She should have done the Madonna disco version from 1992's Erotica, THAT would have been taking a chance to do something original. The arrangement sucked, she seemed to be fighting the Shitty Idol Back-Up Singers (SIBUSes™) the entire way, and there was a weirdly loud farting saxophone throughout.
Randy doesn't like it, says it's "interesting" and then backs off from saying anything nasty by offering that she sang it well. Paula starts out with the lame "You look lovely!" and goes on to say she was "surprised" at this choice of song, she didn't feel it fit Syesha. Then Paula gets booed! Awesome! Simon tells the truth when he tells Syesha she will regret that song choice, and that it was a "lame cabaret" version. OMG, see? *I* said it was like a bad drag-show version, too, so I am just as good at giving out lame judgments as he is! He also says that she should be proving she's a "contemporary artist" by choosing more current material. This coming from the man who chose a song from 1957 for David Cook to sing. Yup, he knows allllll about "contemporary" and "Fever" only came out one year earlier in 1956. What a cum-chummer!
We're back to Smirky McSmugMug again, who is going to sing a song called "Dare You To Move" by SwitchFoot. Or was it "Move You To Foot" by SwitchDare? I dunno, but I was grateful that David told us all what the first lyrics were, because once he started singing it, I could barely make out a word he was singing. ("Wellllcuh-hum to the pla-HA-net!"). David gets this cool, greenish Matrix-esque backdrop graphic on the JumboTrons, which was more interesting than his performance. I do notice that he's flat a lot of the time on this one, and that it's the same screamy voice he always uses. Snore.
Randy (of course) can't let the opportunity to name drop the producers of SwitchFoot go by without mentioning that he's worked with them (ever get the feeling he's trying to prove his worth to himself, especially since he's become such a useless boob on this TV show?) and doesn't really critique David much. Paula says that it's so hard to condense a 4 minute song into a minute and a half, to which I screamed uselessly at my TV (for the 8274th time) "THEN LET THEM SING THE ENTIRE FUCKING SONG, FA CHRISSAKES!!!" Simon said something, but I'm noticing that another piece of booger landed on it and I can't read what I wrote now. Oh well, it was probably meaningless anyway.
Now it's producer's choice! Like they're not all producer's choices, but we'll pretend we don't know that (shhhhhhh!). David Archuleta is cursed with "Longer" by the late Dan Fogelberg. I'm actually quite grateful for the Idol editing in this case, because the original version of this song is an hour and forty-five minutes long! I have never cared for Dan Fogelberg's music, but it's perfect for The Breathy Balladeer. Hey! I just had an amazingly awesome idea! David should follow the example of "Chocolate Rain"s Tay Zonday and take his breaths away from the microphone!!! It would be less distracting to listen to him sing. David seems to believe that wincing = emotion. Or maybe his latest batch of bruises still smarts.
Randy calls it an "interesting choice" and says it was hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot which is a word I would have never associated with Dan Fogelberg's music ever ever ever. It's a little like calling Amy Grant's music "sexy". Paula calls it lovely, but she may be talking about the appletini in her Coke cup. Simon says it was "gooey" and that it sounded like a 90 year old song, but he thinks David will be in the finals (because he is the pre-selected winner of American Idol Season Seven). David just giggles some more as Ryan keeps on kneading his young nubile flesh.
Hey, there's Season One runner-up Justin Guarini! Hi Justin! I loved your album (sorta)! We're forced to listen to Syesha Mercado again, this time doing her producer's choice of "Hit Me Up" by Gia Farrell from the Happy Feet Soundtrack. It's a bouncier uptempo song, but really quite formulaic, and Syesha's pitch is way sharp in a lot of places, plus she's back to battling with the SIBUSes™ again. She's dancing and singing, but I just don't feel any connection to it, she might as well be singing a jingle for maxi-pads.
Randy says something about Rihanna, which I don't get, because she didn't sing the song. He thinks it was a bad choice of song for her. He is possibly right, but I don't like to admit that. It seems like Syesha is now channelling Brooke White(st) because she is always talking back to the judges now. Too bad she doesn't understand that "being annoying" doesn't equal "having personality". Paula also dislikes the song choice and earns her SECOND boo of the evening! Awesome! Simon and Paula fight about what the song is about (Simon insists that it's "about penguins"... I checked the lyrics, and I don't see a goddamned thing about penguins in there, it sounds more like a song about slutty girls wanting to get boys to call them). Simon sez it was "forgettable". I would agree with him, but I forgot what he was calling forgettable.
God, will this show never end?!?! Here comes David Cook to put us out of our misery, by thrusting us into more misery as he warbles Aerosmith's monument to selling out, the incredibly treacly Diane Warren weeper "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing". And look, there's Diane Warren in the audience! She is not pretty! How does she know so much about love? It is a mystery!
David's "original arrangement" is the all-strings version, which seems to rob the song of what little edge it had when Aerosmith did it. The guitar licks don't kick in until towards the very end when David is at his screamiest (and sharpest... boy they're just about all off-pitch tonight!). Ugh, this is tortuous and making me wish a giant meteorite would hit David Cook in the head. Hard.
Randy says it was okay but predictable (like the outcome of this show, minus the "ok" part) but Paula had lurched to her feet to give David another standing ovation (which just cheapens the impact of a standing ovation when you give one every single show you dope-addled twatcrack!) and slurs "Seeya inna finals!" or maybe it was "Seeya back at my house!" Simon gushes that it is one of the "great songs of all time" (which makes me believe that he is just kissing Diane Warren's fugly ass sitting there because it's very likely that she has as much money as he does considering all the hit songs she's written and how much they are played ad nauseum...) and declares that David "won the night". David just stands there with that same irritating look on his face...
Fuckwad. Ohhhh, how I hope tomorrow night is another "shocker" and he goes home, that would be soooooo sweet! But, I have a feeling it's going to be a battle of the Davids, because Syesha was just all over the map tonight, and at home in none of the locations she went to. Plus, that whole weird country accent thing was annoying as well.
Now, speaking of entertainment, my sister-girl Peter G uploaded a couple more fun videos to my YouTube channel. These are from 2005 when Devina hired us to perform a number with Miss Ebony to celebrate her (50?) years in drag. At that time, the Fly Boyz was down to just a trio of myself, Justin and Jay-R, and we all choreographed part of this song, which is Aretha Franklin's early 90's remake of the old Sly & The Family Stone song "Everyday People". Devina also procured for us the visuals (i.e. our silvery costumes). Just so you know, initially my sequined top was supposed to be closed over my belly, but then whenever the light hit me I looked like a dancing disco-ball, so I convinced the tailor to leave it open for me. We did this first in September of that year at Pookie's...
And then in October at Rainbows Festival that year in broad daylight... not just once, but twice (thanks to Barbra Seville helpfully suggesting that we perform it a SECOND time down on the ground in the middle of the cocktailed crowd... that was fun... thanks Babs!)
Still we were very happy to be able to do something fun for/with Miss Ebony, who is Devina's drag mother, and has always been such a dear lady, always has a kind word and is lots of fun to watch perform, too. I am continually amazed by her being able to still get out there and give an energetic performance like she does (considering she's been doing drag for longer than I've even been alive, that is really saying something). More videos are on their way soon!
...another video from the past...
Current mood: pleased
This is another version of the Janet Jackson "All Nite (Don't Stop)" but this time it's during Pussy LeHoot's Sunday night show at Charlie's (the old Charlie's before it was remodeled into the fabulous new Charlie's) in late August of 2004. Some fun facts about this particular performance... if I seem a little sluggish, it's because I was just getting over some kind of respiratory infection and could hardly breathe (and you can see at the very beginning of the video that this was also pre-smoking-ban, and that didn't help, either). PLUS, I don't know if Devina told him to do this, or if it was an accident, but I believe DJ Brian had the pitch control turned up to +5, so the song is way faster than it normally is (listen to the difference in pitch between this video and the other one at Pookie's) so by the middle of it I was huff'n'puffin my way around that dance floor. You also get to see Jay-R's suspenders get caught under the heel of his shoe at the very beginning, as well as Anthony losing his hat (he recovers it shortly after), then *I* lose my hat (I recovered it shortly after, only slightly less gracefully). Speaking of gracelessness, you get to see me drop down to the floor like a sack of potatoes, and arise with the same fluidity as a concrete brick. Plus, when I went out to try and do a triple-pirouette for my little freestyle section I almost fell over...
However, I do kind of like this performance because you can see all the intricate footwork that the dance entailed and it's kind of cool with the diagonal angle to be able to see all five of us in unison. Charlie's has become one of my favorite places to perform at, especially since they remodeled and have that nice big dance floor (not to mention being able to change in the back office area is a lot more fun now that all the other drag queens are crowded in on top of each other).
...my mother is on her honeymoon, my dad is not...
Current mood: grateful
I did speak to my mom today to wish her a happy Mother's Day. She and her new husband Bill are in Bar Harbor, Maine on their honeymoon/vacation and meeting up with members of his family, probably to tell them that they got married. She said it was a beautiful day there, and I believe her, because she is the kind of mother who would tell me if it wasn't.
I have often had a complicated relationship with both of my parents, which was compounded by their divorce in 1992 after 25 years (and four kids) together. It wasn't like it was too shocking that they split, there had been a lot of stuff going on in the last few years of their marriage that led me to believe they weren't long for putting up with each other, and I made up my mind I was going to get the hell out of the house before that happened... my poor younger sister and brother were not so lucky, they had to live through the worst of it all.
However, in this case, I think their breakup was the best thing to happen to either one of them. I know that their life together with all of us kids added into the mix was not easy, and I think my mother seemed to blossom and actually grow younger after she was out on her own without my dad. It sounds strange, but I think that there was a big part of her that she suppressed all those years, and when there was no more reason to be reserved she stepped forth and made her presence known.
I (and my brothers and sister) were pretty lucky because for much of our life we had a stay-at-home mom who was always there to send us to school with breakfast inside us (even if it was just a frozen waffle she chucked at us on our way out the door... "Stick it in your armpit, it'll warm up enough to eat, steal some syrup packets from the cafeteria at school!") and she was always at home after school and ready to find out which ones of us had band practice or play practice or detention so she could dole out imaginative punishments (I once stayed out until 3am when I was 14, which not only landed me in therapy, but as part of my plea-bargain I was also required to weed, pick and shuck the half-acre of lima beans she was growing that summer... I fucking hate lima beans, so it was even more tortuous to know that all the work I was doing was only going to result in even more tortuous dinners... she is a genius.)
When I was a very little boy, she was the person who told me things, and I believed them all (and this is why I never cross my eyes to this day, because somewhere deep down I still think they'll stay that way) and she answered just about all the questions an oversmart little tyke like me could think up (even tactless ones like "Where does the poop go when we flush it?" and "How come God didn't make The Body Of Christ taste like hamburgers?" and "Why are you packing a suitcase and crying Mommy?").
It cannot have been fun to be cursed with a "gifted" child who often chose the route of self-destruction rather than be driven to achieve his full potential. We fought and fought over me getting yanked out of regular school and put in a classroom full of other bright kids (all of whom I suspected were way brighter than I was...) I just wanted to stay with my friends at regular school and be a small freak in a small pond. But in the end I was glad she convinced me to go with it, I had some incredible experiences and school was a lot less boring than it had been up to that point.
When I began to suspect that the word "gay" was not going to mean "happy and carefree" for the rest of my life, I was not sure about how she was going to react. She had a gay brother, we had all heard about "Uncle Steve" and his special brand of weirdness all our lives, and I wondered if I was going to wind up in that exact same category. I kept it as secret as I could until after I graduated from high school. I still remember the night that I went on my first date with Kip (at the Black Angus at Maryvale Mall, which I considered fine dining at that sweet naive time in my life) and I just told them I was going to meet with this "man" for dinner (I didn't place any special emphasis on the fact that he was a man, I just played it off like it was any other date that I was getting dressed up for)... I can only imagine the conversation that my mom and dad had after I left that night. That fateful date with Kip led to other dates, and then to me spending nights over at his house, and eventually us talking about moving in together.
The timing could not have been worse. I had some sense that my mom and dad were reaching some kind of critical marriage mass, and there were things going on behind the scenes that us kids didn't have any clue about... but I was not about to be stopped from leaving, and when I finally told them about it, it was surprisingly my dad who took it well and my mother who had a complete meltdown. It took me some time and distance to gain the perspective that she was just not ready to have me be leaving her home after 19 years of living there with her (even though I was rarely there, and when we did cross paths, you could count on some kind of catfight erupting) and that my going combined with my dad's emotionally disconnecting was leaving her feeling like everything was spinning out of control...
Which it did eventually. After my dad had finally moved out, I discovered just how human my mother was, and it came as a shock that she wasn't bulletproof after all. I didn't know that she had fears and doubts and pain and hurt, because for all those years she had been helping everyone else with theirs... and now it was my turn to pay some of that back... and it made us closer than we had ever been in our lives.
And I came to know that her understanding of me was deeper than I ever suspected when I split up with Kip the first time two days after Thanksgiving in 1993. I literally "ran home to mother" and stayed on her couch for three weeks while I was in the heartbreaking process of finding my own apartment and living alone for the first time in my life. She took me to dinner and let me pour out my anger and sadness over the unfairness of finding myself in love with a man who could have hurt me so badly. She knew exactly what I was going through, even though Kip and I had only been together for 4 years at that point, and her empathy and support kept me sane when every day was a struggle to get through without going into the bathroom, locking the door and weeping uncontrollably.
My mom gave me that same kind of support in 2000 after I moved back to Phoenix from Los Angeles and 11 tumultuous years with Kip, and she didn't say "I told you so..." It must take a really strong person to watch your kids heading out into the world and trying to make their dreams come true. It must take an even stronger person to see them come back when some of those dreams have departed and the reality of life's cruelty has been forever imprinted on their child's horror-struck face. I can only imagine the heartache and heartbreak that I have caused her during the course of my life, but I have never ever felt like she turned her back on me, and there are not a lot of people in my life that I can say that about.
So even though we didn't get to see each other today, Mom, I just wanted to tell you that I love you very much and I'm grateful for everything you have ever done for me. Not that I expect a blog to even the score, but I'll buy you some wine when you get back and we'll have a pool party over here and get knackered and have some laughs.... I think most of our tears are behind us now.
...let’s take a trip back in time-ime-ime-ime-ime-ime...
Current mood: nostalgic
Cool echo effect, huh? Well, anyhow, thanks to the wonderfully generous talents of my sister-girl Peter G., who is way more technology and internet savvy than I am (which isn't really saying much... if I'm being honest, I suspect that your average 6th grader understands the internet better than I do) I was able to dump a giant stack of DVDs off on his porch and whine "Pleeeeeeeease Peter, will you upload theeeeeeese videos to YoooooouTuuuuuuuube for meeeeeee, pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeeze?" and eventually he got tired of me bugging him about it and he did.
SO, there are going to be some new additions to my YouTube channel in the coming weeks from the archives of Devina & The Fly Boyz. I am happy to say that here is one of my first performances with Devina (after a looooooong hiatus from dancing) and it is all the way back from August 7th, 2004 at the (now closed) Pookie's Café... this was a very special night as it commemorated Devina celebrating her anniversary of 20 Years In Drag (as well as her birthday). This was a slightly different lineup of the Fly Boyz, at the time we had Anthony Spencer, who is an amazing amazing dancer (seriously, he is probably one of the best dancers I have ever worked with in my entire life) as well as heartthrob/hottie Velasco (who is a part of the BS West inner circles) in addition to Jay-R and myself. We had been working on this brand new Janet Jackson song "All Nite (Don't Stop)" which had just been released from her Damita Jo album (which was sinking like a leaden anvil off the charts) and this was some of the strangest and most intricate choreography I had ever tried to make my body learn. Well, here's how it turned out...
It makes me a little sad to see Pookie's like that, all full of life and people (the crowd that night was far over capacity, there had to be at least 200+ drag-show attendees crammed into that small lounge) and every time I pass the empty building on 7th Street on my way down to rehearsal I think about how much fun it was to perform there. It was such a special night... not only were there zillions of people there to honor Devina, but CeCe Peniston herself came by and sang "Happy Birthday!" to Ted...
...which was pretty awesome, not to mention all the tributes from other drag talent and friends sharing memories with the audience. The funny thing is... someone left a mike stand on the stage, which was going to be right where I was supposed to dance, and I saw it just before the music started, and started to half-rise to go move it when you see Devina shove me back down into place! Classic! You can also hear DJ Tony giving the introduction. Good times.
SO, I must give great thanks to Peter G. for helping me with uploading a great memory that I can now share with the virtual world. There will be more to follow, even if I have to keep a pretty tight rein on some of the haters out there....
You know, one of the things that YouTube now tracks is places that have linked to your video, and it has been interesting to me to see some of the widespread locations that have either reposted, or direct linked to us dancing. Unfortunately, I have also discovered that some people have been quite vicious in their critiques... I found one of our videos that was reposted to a discussion thread on a Janet Jackson fan-site called JanetXone... at first I thought perhaps people might have liked what we did, but I should have known better....
I don't really care if people call me fat, because it's pretty much true, it's not like this comes as a surprising shock to me or that I have some kind of idiotic reverse-body-image-distortion thing going on... I eat too much and I don't exercise enough, plus I think I have a glandular problem and I'm genetically predisposed to weight-gain, on top of the fact that late at night when I'm sleeping I am routinely visited by aliens who inject me with fat cells and have implanted post-hypnotic suggestions that compel me to polish off entire quarts of Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream in one sitting... so call me fat all you want, it's true and I own every fucking pound of it.
However, I am not so pleased by people trying to say we didn't dance hard enough, or claiming we didn't learn the dance moves properly... trust me, I watch back those videos and I think we come as close as (if not closer than) most other impersonators out there. I am not saying that we are the best dancers, or that Devina looks exactly like Janet Jackson (you'd need expensive surgery for that... hell, even Janet needed surgery to look like she does) or that our group is more talented than any other group out there... but I don't think I'm being unrealistic in believing that we are far from a train-wreck (and believe me when I say, I have such videos and they will never see the light of day or the internet) and that the effort and drive and desire and energy we put into our performances comes through when you see them play back. I have seen some performances out there on YouTube that are better than ours, and others that were not as good... I have even posted encouraging comments for some of these people to let them know I appreciated what they did.
I have also had some people attempt to leave nasty comments on some of our videos... which I promptly delete, because there really is no call for it. It's my belief that if people think our videos suck, then they are welcome to their opinion, and they can be my guest to send emails to all their friends with the link to them and they can all have a good laugh at our expense... however, I don't understand people's desire to leave derogatory remarks directly on the video for everyone else to read... and the really sad thing is, some of the people who left these comments had absolutely no business criticizing anyone, especially after I saw some of the video performances they had to offer. One guy made a catty remark about one of the dancers being "too queeny" (*gasp* a gay dancer being queeny?! NO!!) and when I went and checked out a video of his in which he was speaking directly to the camera I couldn't see his face because his purse fell out of his mouth every time he opened it and I could barely even hear him speak over all the extra-hissing sibiliants (is there such a thing as "self-auditory-sound-distortion-disorder"??? I think in his mind he sounded like James Earl Jones!). There was also another drag queen who left a really rude remark, and when I went and checked out her version of the same song we had done I was shocked to see that a) she barely knew the choreography and b) she looked like Tito Jackson and c) she moved like a man in a dress and a hair-hat. Did I flame her back? Hell no, what purpose would that serve? If she thinks she's good, who am I to take that away from her? And why does someone else feel the need to take my illusions away from me?
I know it's stupid, and I should just ignore it, because there are always going to be people who find it easier to sit back and look at someone who has put themselves out there and say "Those bitches suck!" when really deep down inside of them a scared little voice is quietly saying "That looks like fun... I wish I could do that, too...". I guess the fact that it was actual Janet fans who were being so mean and nasty was what got to me a little, because hasn't Janet always been about us all coming together in love of the music and the dance, regardless of our race or gender or sexual orientation? Wasn't just about everyone once a part of the Rhythm Nation? Isn't there room for everybody behind the Velvet Rope?
I'll just have to let it go and keep my delete powers at the ready. The last thing I want is for someone in the group to see a nasty comment about them posted, there is enough stuff going on in the world to make us feel worthless without bitchy queens leaving anonymous comments on other people's drag-queen-dance-videos.
So, after my seeing all the hate out there, I decided I desperately needed a big dose of kitty-love and I was able to get Nikki to come up and be with me...
...at first I was pissed off, which made Nikki roll her eyes at me...
...then I started feeling better as she purred softly at me "Fuck those bitches, they ain't worth it..."...
...and then *I* started getting sleepy as I was drawn into her circle of love...
...and with that we both drifted off into Kitty-Love DreamWorld™ where there is love and peace and happiness...
...the corpse just won’t lay down and stay there...
Current mood: vexed
...she keeps coming back to haunt this show. Yes, the Evil Undead Carly Smithson got not one, but two closeups on tonight's show. Plus, you could see her deathly-pale, flabby, tatted-up arm jiggling behind Randy's head for the entire show, like a rancid congealed flan spilled outside the backdoor of a Vietnamese restaurant...
Finally ditching the lame "theme week" theme, Ryan starts off this week's show by saying that "3 of the 4 people on this stage have been number one in votes!!!" Ha!.. like that's supposed to be on the same level as scoring a 1 hit on the music charts? Por fa-VOR! Gee, could I hazard a guess as to which one of them has not been number one in votes? Anyone? Anyone? Castro? Castro? Anyhow, Ryan doesn't see that behind him Jason gave a weird wide-eyed glance at the camera... a harbinger of things to come, perhaps...
Then begins a commercial for the Rock'N'Roll Hall Of Fame, who just ditched their credibility when they inducted Madonna (whom I love dearly as any like-minded homosexual who has bought enough of her albums, records, CDs, remixes, posters, videos, DVDs, and terrible movies to finance the adoption of my very own Malawiian baby would... but jeez, just because she learned to play 3 chords on the guitar does not really put her in the category of "rock'n'roll" for me... but, hey, if there was a Gay Icons Hall Of Fame?... hell yes, give her her own damned wing next to Cher's and across the way from Liza's) so part of me thinks all this plugging for the Hall Of Fame on Idol is part of their damage control for bowing to the Madgeness. I found it extremely odd that while going over the Cliff's Notes version of Rock'N'Roll History they would have highlighted Ike Turner's contributions to the genre... they mention that on his way to a recording session his amplifier "fell off the top of the car" and broke (yeah, right, it probly "fell" on Tina's face a couple of times) and yet he still used it to create that beloved sound of distortion. Yeah, the sacrifices Ike made for rock'n'roll...
...and in one of the most incredible moments of conceitedness (surprisingly not attributed directly to David Cook for once) Ryan intones that "someday one of the Idols" might be inducted into the Rock'N'Roll Hall Of Fame... and they cut and pasted pictures of David, David, Jason & Syesha into the hallowed halls! Oh, S'il Vouz PLAIT! When you have winners of this stupid show who can't even keep their own record deal for more than a year, then I think it's a tad presumptuous to think one of The. Best. Top. Four. Ever. is gonna wind up there....
... but that's neither here nor there, just like David Cook's first song. Ol' Mr. I'm-Awesome-And-You-Know-It is going to sing "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran, and he crows "I'm gonna stand it on it's head... and then I'm gonna beat it and kick it, and fuck it in half!" The only changes that I could tell he made was that he added some more chugging electric guitar.... and he didn't have one of the SIBUSes (Shitty Idol Back-Up Singers™) do the orgasmic yodeling at the end. My opinion was that it sounded like so much doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-dooooooooo. David's pitch is all over the place and he's using his I'm-grunting-to-poo-voice, but he sure is doing his best to channel a much-sexier (even now) Simon LeBon.
Randy thought it was just OK, but Randy also thinks he's relevant or something. Paula says that it made her hungry for more of David, and attempts to toss him her hotel room key. (Cougar alert, David!) Simon's the only one who clocks it as a boring "copycat" version (duh, like everything else David Cook does, how shockingly unoriginal).
Then we move on to Syesha Mercado, who tells Ryan that she's really excited about the Idol Summer Tour, because she'll get the chance to meet "all" of her fans. Syesha just can't stay away from people who have much better voices than hers, so she decides to impale herself on Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Proud Mary"... only not the CCR version, of course, but the Ike And Tina Turner version. At first she giggles that "It's been covered, like, a hundred times!" and then admits she had a second or third thought about tackling this song when she remembered that it has all that recognizable choreography in it, but Syesha just looked in the mirror and told herself to just go for it! My sister-girl Peter G. texted me and says "...after all Syesha, if "Proud Mary" has been covered 100 times, what's wrong with a 101st? Oh yeah, THAT!"
After all that talk about the "recognizable choreography" in the song, Syesha decides to ditch that and do her own lame watered-down moves. She also decides to emulate Tina's attempt to dress up like a baked potato at the Grammys this year...
...and although I couldn't see Syesha's nipples in her tight silvery dress, there were a couple of distressing moments when I feared I might see her bramble patch as she thrashed about like an epileptic who missed her daily Dilantin dose. It was all just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong, her voice is way too thin to tackle these big singers and their most recognizable songs, even on her desperate glory note at the end.
Randy's laughing at her (not with her) but covers it by saying she did a'ight, dawg. Paula says "You look like a STAR!" and then rambles on to the point where Syesha herself gives a terse "Thank you, Paula!" in an attempt to shut her up! Classic! This serves to hasten the abuse that Simon Cowell is ready to shell out when he rightfully calls it a "bad shrieky version" and Syesha tries to spin this to her advantage by smiling real big and saying "I'm sorry!". She should be apologizing to Tina Turner. Tom turned to me and said "If she can't do Whitney Houston then what makes her think she can do Tina Turner??!?" I dunno.
After the commercial break, we come back to see that Ryan has a Jason-head (with dreads made of black yarn) on a stick and is waving it about like a hand-held Swiffer®, and then he acknowledges Carly Smithson's pathetic schlubby loser-ass in the audience! *Blurk* <----(threw up in my mouth a little there) So Jason Castro rambles on about being happy to be doing songs that he actually knows this time around, not ones he's never heard of that were sung by kitty-cats. He decides to do Bob Marley's "I Shot The Sheriff" because Bob had dreadlocks, too. Following that line of reasoning, he could have chosen something by Maxipriest or Lenny Kravitz, too. I thought it was a strange choice of song, especially for such a family-oriented show like Idol when you have lyrics talking about killing law-enforcement... but you know what??.. I don't think Jason Castro could give less of a fuck if he's on this show anymore or not. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to play their games any more, and so he decided to just go ahead and do what he likes and say screw the holy Idol trinity of Simons Cowell and Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe. Weirdly, it was the most awake I think I've ever seen Jason look, you could just tell he was in his element...
...well, sorta. Randy, of course, completely hated it (and could barely conceal his contempt while spitting his opinion) and Paula told Jason he'd won her over (especially with that last ounce of Panamanian Red he scored for her) and Simon tells Jason to "stand back" as if the very weight of the words coming from his mouth could be dangerous! And then he calls it "atrocious". Oooh, ow, my ears, ouch, ohhhh, owieeeeee, that hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrts! He asks Jason what he was thinking. Jason comes right back with "I was thinkin' Bob Marley!" Good for you, Jason, stick it back to them and make them sorry they ever agreed to put you into this season. Ryan picks up on the nasty vibe and tells the judges "You seem ticked off by this..." and Simon says the only similarity between the two versions of the song was the hair. Razor sharp he is. Yeah, and the only similarity between American Idol and Star Search is David Archuleta.
Who, by the way, nervously giggles that he's going to blandify and whitewash Ben E. King's "Stand By Me", a song that he's "never sung in public before" (that is, until someone posts a previous performance by him on YouTube) and that he likes to sing it in his room to himself. Wait, he likes to sing "Stand By Me" to himself? Isn't that a tad schizophrenic? Ah hell, can you blame him? He's probably locked in that room a lot, so he has to make friends with himself, because other than frantic masturbation, it's probably one of the better ways for him to pass the time...
...and once again, David completely ditches the melody and the original lyric in order to ad lib his way through the song (I don't remember the Ben E. King version having a lyric that went "And allll you beautiful girrrrrls" anywhere in it... but then again, Terrible Stage Dad probably tole him to stop being such a Sissy Sybil and butch it up somehow) and it just left me thinking that it sounded exactly like every other performance he's given... bland, boring and blah.
Of course, since he IS the preselected winner of this season, Randy Jackson just cannot gush enough about how "hot" it is. If by "hot" he means "weird, gaspy, awkward and fearful" then I guess so. Paula says that David is "communicating" with the audience (huh?) and that he is taking the judges "advice", using what he can and "throwing out" what he doesn't need... which would be pretty much all of it. Simon isn't done making nasty insults to Jason Castro, so he uses David's performance to get in another couple of shots, saying David could have "whistled something" and it would still have been better than the last performance. What a hater. Meanwhile, Ryan is still openly groping David in front of America, and right before they cut to commercial he has grabbed him by both shoulders from behind and appears to be attempting to mount little David right there on stage! Uh, that's a bad touch Ryan....
...you can just see how uncomfortable David is with it every time it happens (and it happens every time they are on stage together, am I the only one who's noticed that Seacrest can't keep his mitts off the sweet jailbait?). David Hernandez is probably watching on a crappy black-and-white monitor backstage between sets at Dick's Cabaret and seething green with jealousy and envy.
Now we are treated once again to David Cook and his Amazing AC Guitar to sing The Who's "Baba O'Reilly", which is sometimes referred to erroneously as "Teenage Wasteland". This show is more like "Musical Wasteland". David is excited because no one has ever performed this song on Idol before, and after he sings it, we know exactly why. It's weird, it sounds chopped to hell because it's only 90 seconds, and David's screamy voice doesn't seem big enough for it (but God knows his ego sure is)... Smirky ass-munch.
Randy falls all over himself to contradict the critique he gave Jason earlier by saying that it's so cool that David can "have fun and just be you...". Apparently that's only okay if you're David Cook and not Jason Castro, who was just being the lovable pothead that he is when he sung Bob Marley. Paula says "I want more... I want more... I want MORE!" No need to guess what she's actually talking about. Simon just beams "Welcome back David Cook!".
Ryan says hello to Rascal Fatts and returns us to Syesha Mercado again. Syesha's going to tackle another big song, this time Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come". Syesha brings up the fact that this song was released shortly after Sam Cooke's death and that it was an important part of the civil rights movement. True enough, but Syesha then completely mystifies me by somehow seeming to compare the struggle of the civil rights movement with her struggle to be in the Top 4 of American Idol. I didn't get that at all, but I did get a kick out of her Star Trek dress... and the camera's extreme close-up on her uvula...
...because she's back to relying on her wavery glory-notes to get her through. Randy hates it and says Sam Cooke was one of the greatest singers ever in American Music (20 bucks says Randy would have called him "pitchy dawg" tho). Then Syesha loses it and starts bawling in what wooks to me wike a shamewess cawcuwated attempt to garner sympathy votes becawse Wandy Jackson is being weally weally mean to her! Paula jumps up out of her seat and starts clapping for Syesha like she's some kind of drunken trained seal in a hair-hat, praising her singing to the Skyy's while Ryan awkwardly comforts the super-distraught Syesha. Simon then says to Syesha... that he agrees... with Paula! He thought it was good! Suddenly, Syesha's hysterical tears have stopped on a dime! She sounds totally normal again! Simon's words have magically healed her broken spirit! Yay for healed spirits! Yay for actresses, too! Yay for Visine! Whatever.
To the judges complete lack of delight, here comes Jason Castro again, this time he's doing another Bob, this time it's Bob Dylan, and he's going to sing "Mr. Tambourine Man" (heeeeey, wasn't that song supposed to be about a drug dealer?) which is really a smart choice for him, because your average dawg sounds better than Bob Dylan. However, your average dawg can probably remember the lyrics a lot better than Jason Castro's poor pot-stickered brain can (hey, at least he followed Paula Abdul's priceless advice and just kept on singing nonsense words until he got back 'round to the chorus again). Jason got a standing ovation from Carly Smithson (or maybe she just had a wedgie and stood up to pull her tacky thong out of the crack of her ass). The judges, however, are less impressed. Randy coyly asks Jason "How do you think you did?" Jason admits he blew some of the lyrics. Paula says "You blow me away like a line of cheap cocaine..." Simon just glares and says "Pack your suitcase!"
And see, this is what I think is so hysterical about this show... Jason Castro is there because supposedly this is The. Best. Top. 12. In. The. Best. Season. Of. American. Idol. Ever. and these are the same judges who put him there in the first place. Now they're acting all surprised and pissed off that he's turning out to be a wack-job and only a mediocre singer, like they didn't know this before. I think it would be absolutely hysterical if one of the other three went home tomorrow instead of Jason....
And it wouldn't be Idol if we didn't have David Archuleta again, this time to completely fuck up Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender", a song that he calls "fun and cool" with a girlish giggle. He sings a piano-only Love Boat lounge version, he misses a couple of big notes, his voice cracks completely at one point and I notice that David squints an awful lot (along with the gaspy lip-licking tics and awkward boy-band jazz-hands as well). And since he is the one in the pimp spot (last up) Randy just crows how awesome his boring version was, how he "caressed each word"... huh? Paula says he really felt it with his heart (or maybe she said he really fell apart, it's hard to know for sure) and Simon tells him he "crushed" the competition while David pretends like he's never heard a compliment for the 3,048,169th time. Ryan oozes up next to David, feels him up some more and calls him "Crusher" while imagining David naked in bed with an open jar of Elbow Grease™ lubricant next to him. I'm sure Ryan has wood by this point.
I'm guessing that unless there's going to be the shocker of David Cook getting sent home, it'll be Jason Castro leaving tomorrow night, and I'm guessing he'd be pretty stoked about it. No more having to share his leaf with Paula (who probly hogs it all and leaves the end of the joint all spitty and covered in sparkly strawberry lip-gloss).
...it was lovely (with a capital ’LICIOUS!)...
Current mood: fabulous
"Wow."
That was the only word that could describe what I saw when we walked into the lobby of the Crowne Plaza Hotel tonight, it was just... "wow". I don't think I have ever seen so many finely dressed people in one place at one time since probably, oh, never. It was really amazing, there were so many tiaras and medallions and epaulets and sashes and sequins and stones and big big big BIG hair everywhere. It was a drag-o-phile's dream!
I can't quite remember the exact number, but I believe there were representatives there from literally 27 different Courts! Tom and I met up with the other dancers (Justin, Jay-R, Mark) and the ladies (Devina, Candi Coleé and Ebonae Shane) and settled down at a table to watch some of the goings-on. The reigning Emperor and Empress looked lovely...
We got there during the second of three segments in the evening. The first segment (that we missed because I was madly ironing at the last minute and trying to find my damned shoes) was where (I guess) they do some kind of presentation of business and charitable partners. The second segment that we got in at the beginning of was the presentation of all the various titled royalty from all over the place, and contained a command performance from an Out-Of-Town-Queen. I don't know her name (I didn't catch it, sorry Lady-Whoever-You-Are) but I did get a few pictures of her energetic performance...
...I loved her hair...
...I wish I knew the name of the song she performed to, but I didn't recognize it...
...she kinda reminded me of a few stoner chicks I knew from high school...
...she was very entertaining... and she made me really want one of those orangey-lemonade popsicles...
SO, then there was a performance by the first of the candidates for Emperor, Jeff Muir...
...again, I must apologize for not knowing the song he was performing to...
...in this picture he reminds me of a (much) younger Tommy Lee Jones...
...I suspect the song may have been from a musical, but it was hard to tell...
...and when he made his way to the stage he was joined by a small nation of people...
...but I have to say, his stage presence was good enough to handle all that activity and still shine through...
...and of course, they finished with a huge flourish...
The whole time he was performing, the other members of the various courts were going up and tipping him, either directly or via bags on the side of the stage. Once Jeff was finished, they went on to present various people to Empress II Julie and Emperor II Michael. I was able to catch a few pictures of some of these people as well, although the lighting was rather dim and my camera was getting cranky with me asking it to work in such low-light conditions...
...Empress II Julie and Emperor II Michael had to meet so many people, I don't know how they keep them all straight!...
...this lady could have won for "highest tiara" if they gave awards for it... she needed one of those flashing red lights to warn aircraft on the top of that thing...
...okay, I feel safer now (after all, this hotel is right next to the airport)...
...I loved all the bejeweled-ness of everyone, you know I am always fascinated by bright shiny sparkly glittery things...
...I don't know what these two were key-keying about, but I'm sure it was delicious whatever it was...
...the Empress and Emperor were very gracious in receiving everyone, and it seemed like everyone had gift bags for them (you shoulda seen the pile on the side of the stage, I was way jealous)...
So after what seemed like a zillion people were presented (and to tell you the truth, even if I had been writing madly I wouldn't have been able to tell you the titles of most of these people, they were very long and involved, even the emcee people were having difficulty reading some of them off) it was time for another performance, this time by the candidate for Empress, a woman known as Justice Prevails...
...again, I couldn't tell you who her music was performed by, but it was perfect for her...
...she is very dramatic, and I enjoyed her theatricality very much...
...not to veer off-topic, but aren't those lighting fixtures just plain odd? They were all over the ballroom, and I just thought they looked very retro and weird... kinda like the tops of old-timey refridgerators...
After Ms. Prevails was finished performing, there was some more presentation of people from far and wee, and my eyes were starting to smart a little from all the sparkles of rainbowy light stabbing at them from the reflections off all those sequins and rhinestones. And then it was time for the performance by the second candidate for Emperor, Joseph Brumley...
...now his song was one that I knew... it was the original Joel Gray version of "Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome" from Cabaret...
...Joseph was very into his role... (as a bonus, that's an interesting expression on the guy behind him in the shot)...
...Joseph was eventually joined by three other drag-queens on stage where they finished up with a chorus-line of high-kicks... I'd show you but those pictures all turned out blurry (say boo)...
...I think the Empress & Emperor (II) were a little relieved when this segment of the evening was finally over... they looked just a tad glazed...
And then it was time for us to leave the ballroom and get ready. I kissed Tom goodbye (trusting that he'd find a decent place to set up taping the performance) and we headed off to get changed.
We happened to be back in the same changing area (the board room) where the candidates and the Empress Julie and Emperor Michael were changing as well. However, there was still a helluva lot more room in there than there was last weekend at Cruisin Seventh during the pageant. Once we got dressed, I was finally able to get everyone together for a couple of pictures...
...The Fly Boyz (a.k.a. The Dancing Kings Of Seventh Street)... J-Mo, Justin, Mark, Jay-R...
...The Funky Divas (a.k.a. The Sultry Soulstresses of C7)... Ebonae Shane, Devina, Candi Coleé...
...the entire cast, about to go out and try to impress people with far more glitz and glitter than we could even hope to lay claim to...
So, we were finishing up adjusting things, the girls were doing last touches on their makeup, everyone was feeling a bit tense... and then Candi decided to show us some of her moves...
It was the tension-breaker we needed, and it made everyone feel a lot easier about what we were about to attempt...
So we went out there and Devina gave a very lovely introduction speech, dedicating the number not only to her grandfather, but also to her drag-mother, Miss Ebony (who has become a well-known and well-liked member of the Imperial Court of Arizona, and is one of my favoritest drag-divas besides Devina)... it was Miss Ebony who suggested that Devina revisit the past for this production number and do something a little outside of the normal R&B/hip-hop stuff we do...
...and then we did it... and here it is...
It was un-fucking-believable, the response was tremendous, we got a standing ovation, which was just amazing and awesome and
artistic
satisfied
geeky
pleased
grateful
nostalgic
vexed
fabulous
