Movies for guys who like movies
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL: Can you say ... unforgettable?

It's always a treat when a bunch of my favorite people get together to act in, film, and ultimately release a movie.  It's an added bonus when the movie is great.

This movie is great.  My favorite in the Apatow catalogue to this point has been Superbad; if FSM is not quite as uproarious as that, it's comparably delightful.  I think its story may have been the most engaging of all of them.  Jason Segel is every bit the winning comedy lead as Steve Carell and Seth Rogen, and just as strong as Rogen in his screenwriting debut.

Good gracious, though.  I haven't seen Kristen Bell defiled like that since that time Cassidy Casablancas drugged her, raped her, and gave her chlamydia.  It was unsettling to see things ... done ... to such a precious little bundle, but she is nevertheless outstanding as always. I kind of wish that the entire movie was Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime (or her amazing next project).  It was also nice that Sarah had some pathos to her instead of only needing to fulfill her existence as the wronging party.  There were times I was rooting for her side, even, though probably in part because of all that goodwill she's previously built up by solving those mysteries.

On the other hand, Mila Kunis, who was a talented little comedienne when she was going out with the Kutch, was more relegated to "tiny magic sprite put on this Earth for the sole purpose of bringing moping dudes out of their shells and teaching them to embrace life" duties.  One-dimensionality aside, she was fun and fired up and tan.  I can't believe both of those girls had to do acting while all up ons Seger's legit penis.

If the ladies were welcome newcomers to the Judd troupe, Russell Brand was a revelation.  The music of Aldous Snow is another instance, like Crime Scene, where the pastiche in the movie's meta-pop culture is remarkably substantial and perfect for stuff that's really only there to add not five minutes of minor jokes and character detail.  I've been belting out those two prodigious Infant Sorrow songs over the last few days -- what powerful, stirring ballads.  Aldous is so great a character that he should be, by all rights, fifty times the cult figure that McLovin became.  As appealing and sympathetic as Peter Bretter is, it's really the four-way dynamic with the leads that makes the movie.  No cardboard villains, just cool people.

Speaking of, things were comparatively light in the Paul Rudd department, but he was Ruddariffic despite somehow failing to reference Everybody Loves Raymond.  It was most welcome to see Jonah Hill play someone besides a misanthropic swearing fatso.  Hader, what's up.  The delights of Jack McBrayer were not only employed, but this was also the first of these movies to implement the quick-cutaway narrative breaks utilized by 30 Rock and Arrested Development, a handy way to spruce up the customary collection of edited-together improv riffs that comprise a Judd Apatow joint.

And how about Carla Gallo and Segel having sex for the first time in seven years?  I guess a good amount of Jason's plight here was familiar territory priorly perfected when he was dumped by Lizzie on Undeclared, and then again when he was dumped by Lily on How I Met Your Mother.  What a run Gallo's had in these movies -- blowing people, getting kicked in the face by people, vaginally bleeding on people.  Is she putting in her time doing yeowoman's work waiting for her turn in the lead rotation?

If so, it's been a pretty fruitful run so far.  If Drillbit Taylor, which I never bothered with, was the first project associated with Apatow in three years that he didn't spin into gold, FSM affirms that he and his understudies are still good for at least one iconic comedy per year.  Your move, Jay Baruchel.

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Sean of the Dead
Category: Sports

Avery, Time You Go Away

The New York Rangers said forward Sean Avery suffered a lacerated spleen in Tuesday night's Stanley Cup playoff game and will be lost for the remainder of the playoffs.  Tuesday night, the Rangers lost 5-3 in the Stanley Cup playoffs against the Pittsburgh Penguins at Madison Square Garden. The Penguins took a 3-0 series lead with the win.  Avery suffered the injury as the result of a hit during the game, spokesman John Rosasco told reporters during the team's morning workout.



Dive.

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Third degree, murder
Category: School, College, Greek

***LIVING WILL***

If I die within the next two days, you do not need to award me a posthumous degree.  Yeah, I'm done with everything except for turning in this final paper, already written, but really, no.  Thanks and all, it's just really no consolation.  Whatsoever.  It's nice and everything, but I'm really not going to have a chance to ... use it?  So.  No need.  Not that important to me.

My long sought-after honorary doctorate, on the other hand -- that's tempting.  I've worked my whole life towards being awarded an honorary doctorate, driven to overcome the obstacles of acceptance into a program, matriculation, fulfilling its requirements, studying, reading, passing examinations, learning, etc.  By continuing to not do any of those things, I grow that much closer to my goal.  But to finally achieve it in death, the posthumous honorary doctorate, would just be too frustrating.  It would only add insult to whatever grave bodily injury caused my quite untimely passing.

In lieu of a posthumous degree, please send flowers.

5:01 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Punting on 4th and 20
Category: Life

Oh, high there.  Wanna burn one and watch Obama clips on YouTube? 

420 is still the number of times you can fuck off.  April flowers bring ... gay powers.  And what do gay powers bring?  I don't know.  Northstar.

If marijuana is decriminalized, only decriminals will have marijuana.






Hmm.

This post is looking pretty mean-spirited to me, with little in the way of an extended point, deeper meaning, social criticism, or particularly inspired jokes.

In that case, at least it's probably, like, seriously, the funniest fucken thing ever if you read it while high, bro.

Obama's speeches, conversely?  Just become that much more inspirational.  He's really mellow and you can just chill to it.  The bass in his voice can just take you away.  You can really feel the policy reform.  No, like really feel it.  Just lie down and relax and listen to him and you feel like you're on the ocean and his enunciations are the waves.  It's like he's a singing a song to my heart about hope and about my heart.

I'll tell you what isn't 420: Senator Obama's bowling score.

Political.

1:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Underwear muddle
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

Enough already.  I demand answers.  What are Michael Jordan and Cuba Gooding Jr. doing, anyway?  What brings them together at wherever they are?  What project have they been collaborating on for the last year?  Where do they work?  Is it Noteworthy Black People From 10 Years Ago Studios?  Are they on some sort of talk show?  Perpetually?  How is recommending underwear to someone and giving it to them as a gift any less eyebrow-raising than telling them that you're wearing their underwear?

Also, when did they decide to start having sex with each other?

3:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Fair Malady
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Listen up here.  I have eight free tickets (face value: $8) available for the Carnegie Mellon Spring Carnival, aka'd the Carnival Yellin' Funiversity.  I'll hook you up.

The traditional CMU Carnival has long struck me as a weird juxtaposition on that campus, a seemingly anachronistic event for an institute of technology that so specializes in robotics, the robotic, computatives & computation, a hrefs, cybermetrics, artificial intelligence, SkyNetworking, etc.  The school was founded in 1900 by the Scottish-American industrialist/despot Andrew Carnegie, who wrote the time-honored words "My heart is in the work" when he had his heart transplanted into H. John Heinz III, the cyborg body with which he would continue his megalomaniacal reign throughout most of the 20th century.  Some of its most famous (and infamous) robot alumni include ED-209, Johnny 5, MasterMold, and Josh Groban.  I've always found it odd, then, that such a technophilial institute would engage in so quaint and antiquated a concept as a carnival, especially ahead of some sort of remoted-controlled-combat-robot-based competiton.

On the other hand, this is a school whose athletic teams are named "the Tartans" -- guys who play the game the way it was meant to be plaid -- so maybe things on Forbes aren't as Future Shocked as I might think (read: fear!).  And above all else, I do love a carnival.  They have rides.  Rides.

We were unable to use our remaining eight tickets when, well, the authorities disallowed it.  In what would have to be considered an unexpected end to the evening, all of a sudden, the police started yelling and, with great malice, kicked everyone out.  In the blink of an eye, the fairgrounds reverted to, well, just regular grounds.  That's not really the way I anticipated a carnival wrapping up, with the ride-riding patrons angrily ushered out by uniformed guards.  "THE CARNIVAL IS NOW OVER.  DISCONTINUE RECREATION AND EVACUATE THE PREMISES.  THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE.  EXCEPT THE RIDES, BOOTHS, LARGE STUFFED GIRAFFES."

Fair enough.  The night ran swirling and whirling, until the clock struck midnight (metaphorically) and 10:53 (literally) and the carnival turned into a pumpkin (allegorically; pumpkin represents deserted carnival).  I had eight tickets remaining, tickets which had been earmarked for ticket-requisite frivolity, but the window for fun had closed.  Note: "The Window For Fun" is what I call the pink lemonade stand.

So with eight tickets un-ticket-taken, I was unable to fulfill my nightlong goal of ferris wheeling.  Perhaps, though, that was for the better, because four tickets for the ferris wheel is simply an absurd cost.  Gas is $23 a gallon and the ferris wheel costs four tickets.  Outrageous.  The surge is clearly not working.  You get much better value with the upside down-going ride, which I recommend.  You get to go upside down.

In related news, I WENT UPSIDE DOWN!

Whatever the case, whatever the ride, whatever the ticket market dictated, the CMU Spring Carnival was infinitely preferable to the fair I went to last month.  That was a job fair.  A teaching job fair, actually -- or Separation of Church and State Fair -- which was not the least bit delightful and, in fact, pretty depressing.  Never has the union between pant and suit been greater forged and more prominent.  Instead of Guess My Age or Guess My Weight, we played Guess My Marketability.  There's an easy algorithm for that one, which is (My Age + My Weight) - (My Weight + My Age).  An old carny trick, that.  Considering, to boot, the fair's distinct lack of snow cones -- be they red, blue, or red-white-and-blue -- and I would have to rate this among the worst I've ever attended.

At least I left it healthy, though.  Coming out of the CMU carnival, I am currently nursing a giant bruise on my right arm courtesy the Merry-Go-Round-At-A-Violent-Rate-Of-Centrifugal-Force ride.  After we sat down in the seat/cart/unit/thing, I reached down to secure my phone deep in the inner recesses of pocket to protect against its being flung.  While establishing my foolproof plan of wrapping the phone in my keys and burying both under my wallet, the ride expert made his rounds and pushed the safety bar down, trapping my forearm between it and my leg.  A minor inconvenience, were this not the ride that spins you around in a circle, hard, and were I not sitting in the outside seat.  So I spent three minutes with my arm jammed against the edge of the car with my body weight AND THAT OF MY ASSOCIATE being driven against it.  (Between this and the fact that she failed on every one of her attempts to get us onto rides for free by charming the ticketmasters using "[her] sexuality," I would have to consider her a pretty useless contributor to the evening.)

This hurt.  A bunch.  A real bunch.  I would've screamed in pain, but that would've just made people think I was having a good time.  I'm pretty sure that this what torture is like, in the sense that: it was painful.  I would have that guy's license, except he almost certainly doesn't have one, and part of the unspoken agreement between carnivalgoer and ride operator is that it is at the ride operator's discretion to break your arm.

In a more pleasant development, I also conquered a maaaaaaaze of miiiiiiiiiirrors, successfully navigating its confusing, byzantine layout, a design that literalizes the notion that man's greatest struggle is an internal one; that our uttermost antagonist is embodied by one's self and all of his foibles, failures, and flaws; that the enemy we see often wears a cloak of decency.  In an existentially horrifying twist, the Minotaur at the center of this labyrinthian-like labyrinth is YOU YOURSELF IN THE FORM OF YOU.  I ran headfirst into this philosophical conflict, by running headfirst into these mirrors.  Ultimately, I escaped.  But at what cost?

A reasonable two tickets.

8:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Like a dog works
Category: Pets and Animals

"Dogs need weekends too."

I ... what?  How do you figure?  Are they police dogs?  Are they under a lot of stress M-F, the tough grind of alternately doing nothing and running around purposelessly?  Those are some crazy hours, for sure.

That's like saying, "cats need to get a quick nap in too," or "cats need particular surfaces to sleep on too."  They quite clearly do not.  Or is that what all the free massage is for?  Cat tension-stress and related scaredyness?

If a dog's work week is so anxiety-laden and unrelaxing to the point where it "needs weekends" -- let alone AN AFTERNOON BOATING AT THE DOG MARINA -- then it is probably a candidate to be Animal Rescued.  Perhaps by the coast guard.

12:23 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Bust a nut
Category: Sports

WASHINGTON (AP) -Flyers left wing Patrick Thoresen was taken to the hospital for tests after getting hit in the groin by a shot off Alex Ovechkin's stick during Philadelphia's 5-4 loss to Washington on Friday night.

"He's going to the hospital to get an ultrasound done on his testicles. It's bad enough they may have to remove one," Flyers general manager Paul Holmgren said. "Right now, we're not sure how serious it is, but there's a chance he may need surgery."

It's okay, bro.  The whole dang sport is ball-less WAH DOMP BOMP PLAY ON "BALLS" CHEAPEST DOUBLE ENTENDRE EVER IN THESE PAGES.  WEB PAGES.  Hang on, I can go lazier.

Thorensen has no goals during his Flyers career -- and now he'll never score again!

(Sex, having sex.)

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Randy Savage
Category: Writing and Poetry

Dan Savage:

gay sex-columnist

OR

gay-sex columnist?

1:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Gary Abusey
Category: Sports

Same old, same old

My god I wish Gary Roberts was my dad.  He'd hate me, sure, and board me into the ... boards.  He'd sucker-punch me at my high school graduation.  But it'd be worth it.  It's called "tough love, and by love he means hate."  You gotta pay a price, you gotta compete, it's that time of year in which Gary Roberts is your dad.

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Children of Manslaughter
Category: News and Politics

Arrested development

Oh man.  They are so grounded.

If some of my students tried to murder me, I would ............... be dead.  Hmm. 

Actually, bring it on, dorks.  I’m totally allowed to write my only discipline referrals, plus I’ll straight up block your attacks with my driver’s license and my ability to make my own decisions about what to eat for dinner.

4:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fool circle
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I’m awesome

April Fools, I suck

APRIL FOOLS

6:04 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ill communications
Category: Life

’lo.  Was out of commish with a debilitating illness that left me couchridden for multiple days and broke a seven year streak of non-vomit.*  I think I had food poisoning.  Or just regular kind.

* not even legitimately caused by illness but rather due to the consumption of a gallon of distilled water** while acting as the control group in a scientific experiment for science.

** scientifically-speaking, this is regular water which has been, through a distillation process, distilled.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired about being sick and tired.  Also, I’m sick.  And tired.  I kept a journal of my thoughts during these troubled times and here they were:

- Serious consideration to the idea that if it’s going to be this hard, then I may very well be not cut out for living; accordant contemplation of whether or not to give up on trying to make a go of it.  Admittedly, I’ve had a great run.

- The belief that all food should be eradicated, and attempting bargaining that if God would heal me from this malady, I would swear to eat only naturorganic Whole Foods products for the remainder of my years.

- The wish that it was you who was sick instead of me.

- Lamenting the diminishing returns on a DayQuil buzz over a series of days, although there was a peak period halucogenically in which I could see into the future and my orgasms lasted five times as long (and were unsolicited to boot).

- Realization that it is difficult to fully inhabit the high-minded, indignant dullard that I like to "pretend" to act like when I’ve been lowered to a position of throwing up an all-liquid expulsion of chicken soup broth and having it splash up into my face and being too shell-shocked in the throes of emesis to clean it off so I’m just kneeling there, masked in my own viscous vomit, broken.  No.

1:06 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Bullet with butterfly wings
Category: Sports

Chris Webber assessed technical foul for taking extra time out of playing basketball

5:22 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Elector: Al. College
Category: School, College, Greek

President Meadville

James H. Mullen Jr. has been named the 21st president of Allegheny College. He will take office Aug. 1, 2008.

Psh.  More like James H. Muslim.

Mullen was elected unanimously by the Allegheny Board of Trustees on the unanimous recommendation of the Presidential Search Committee, which conducted a national search for a successor to Richard J. Cook, who is retiring after 12 years as president of Allegheny College.

Man, I can’t believe the Cook Dynasty -- which presided over the tenures of the legendary likes of me, and people I know, and other people -- is over.  Camelot, no longer.

At Trinity College, in Hartford, Conn., Mullen was responsible for Trinity’s comprehensive master plan.

’Master plan’?  Wha?  Did Trinity College organize an elaborate heist to steal The Grandest Jewel Collection In All Of Hartford?

"Our first step was to talk to as many elements of Allegheny’s core constituencies as we could."

Cough cough ahem.

"Being on the search committee has been an incredible experience," said Jen Wilmore, a senior from Solon, Ohio. "I realized early on that I couldn’t judge anyone based upon their responses to questions about endowment and shared governance, but I could read their personalities and communication skills – what I called their ’intangibles.’

A term of her own invention.  Tell me more about these ’intangibles,’ J-Dubs.

The intangibles are important because you can’t teach them.

Kind of hypocritical of Allegheny to offer Intangibles as a self-designed interdisciplinary major then, wouldn’t you say?  I thought I was three Religious Studies and six Neuroscience credits away from an Intanj minor.

President Mullen has them."

James Hussein Mullen runs out every grounder and fouls off a lot of pitches - what I call ’making the little plays.’  Dr. Mullen is intangible.  He’s going to walk through the wall directly into the Office of the President in Bentley Hall.

Mullen is a graduate of the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester, Mass. He holds a master of public policy degree from the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University and a doctorate in higher education from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.

Massachussetts, huh?  Worcester?  Harvard?  No wonder Politics Magazine named James Mullen as 2007’s Most Liberal Arts College President In The Entire Senate Which He Is Not In.

"It has been particularly exciting for me to lead institutions at moments of great energy and passion," said Mullen, "moments in which we at once celebrated rich traditions and worked collegially to build new and innovative opportunities to enhance our reputation. Allegheny has a singularly powerful story to tell, and I will greatly enjoy the opportunity to share in telling it."

It’s 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep.
But there’s a phone in a white house on Highland Avenue and it’s ringing.
"WE"RE DRKUNK!  we’re goign to perkins.  were gooing to wal-mrat adn perkins."

Click here for a high-resolution photo of Dr. Mullen.

Oh my.  Intangibles indeed, sir.

11:03 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment