Stand Tall, Be A Man About It
Current mood: Tired but Definitely Recovering
Category: Tired but Definitely Recovering Movies, TV, Celebrities

Well, my hands are nearly fixed. My leg is still a bit sore, some days better than others. I told Jen in the end that I wasn't going to the party, I don't wanna be some on-call lothario, scrambling for crumbs under the table. She got angry and called me a dick. That's her perogative. Mine is to get back my lust for life, and that party wouldnt help much. So I'm pretty proud of myself. And then I log on and see your comment Rhi hahaha well great minds think alike I guess eh mate:)

Work is pretty tough at the moment, I'm pulling eight days of split shifts, but at least I get next weekend off, and my antibiotics will be finished by then, so I am actually looking forward to going out and having a drink for the first time in 3 weeks. I think if I sit at home alone for much longer alone I'm gonna go fuckin nanas.

My brother called me today, it was really good to hear from him, he's finally set a date for his wedding, it's next year in March so I'm really looking forward to that. And my Dad called today. Which was not a pleasant experience, it never is... jesus that guy is exasperating. Anyway, he's visiting Wellington in 2 weeks apparently, so yay for that hahaha na it'll b good to see him, he just pisses me off, is all.

Thank you everyone for your comments, you're ace cuntz. My online pals don't know how much they mean to me. I'm gonna get a laptop in the next month, so we can all talk shit like the good ol days.

8:21 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Day by Fuckin Day
Category: Pets and Animals

Well things seem to be ok now. My injuries are healing pretty good, almost have full use of my hands back. The knee is still a bit fucked. I don't think I have much option but to retrain, I can't do another year on this leg as a Chef basically. So that's a bit of a concern. My Jennie meltdown appears to have ended. I suppose I was a bit rude in the last post, but what the fuck, that's what you do when you're hurting. She's a good lady. He says through gritted teeth. Ha!

Had coffee with a very interestin peep yesterday, which made me look at my head a bit differently. Rhi if yr readin this, it may have seemed like our chat was short n somewhat depressing (mental health is never gonna be a Joyous convo, let's face it), but I actually felt pretty good afterwards. Hope I didnt bring you down. Now you should invite me over to watch the Phibes fillums. I'll bring cheese and crackers. No, I'll probably bring beer. But I bet I know more dialogue than you even tho I can't remember Vulnavia in film 2...

Some guy tried to sell me Ethanol yesterday. Weirdo.

Also: I might be going to Melbourne soon, then Perth. All paid for. Chur chur, get to see my Brother and Sister and Folks.

Did I mention I'm on Antibiotics? Another week without drink. Shit its been like 3 weeks now. I'm quite proud of myself, drink being pretty bad for me when depressed.

Any single girls out there: don't come anywhere near me! Still fragile goods. Best I don't get involved with even a fucking Napkin for a while, methinks.

7:24 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Totally Different Planets
Current mood: used
Category: MySpace

So I wrote her a letter, that actually took the form of a 16 page play in eight acts.

I tried to be positive, and just give her a record of the mostly good times, from my POV of course, but I tried not to be too accusatory and stuff, while being honest.

So she tells me she's written me something in reply. I'm kinda intrigued, because J and I haven't even been able to get alone one on one to talk about any of this, so I'd like to know what she's thinking.

In the end, I basically get a post-it note. 2 Pages telling me I made her feel "stink" all the time. Which if I didn't know better I would say a fucking 15 year old wrote.

We were on totally different pages for most of this relationship, I can see that now. It breaks my heart, thinking I was assuming all this stuff when there was actually nothing there.

I asked her last night if we could, at some point, talk one on one alone about all this. "What's the point"?

OK baby, you're right.

Pointless. You keep livin the dream, you keep collectin those butterflies, you keep avoiding the inevitable, you keep believing you're 22.

She's got a whole bunch of stuff to stop her feeling lonely. Family, cat, friends, booze, etc etc etc and someone like me was never gonna compete with that well constructed framework that guards against heartache.

I've stopped taking the sleeping pills. I haven't had a drink in two weeks. I'm still smoking pot a bit. I'm gonna go live my life I guess.

Jen has this whole thing about if I stop being her friend I'm acting like a child. So I'm invited to a Murder Mystery Evening now, with all her family. I have to act the part of her partner for the evening sorta I guess. I suppose it'll be a laugh. I can do it. Yeah, I can do it.

As you can see I've gone from depressed to disillusioned and a little bitter. I'm sure everything will be easier from here on in. It's good to get your picture perfect dreams shattered, keeps ya real. And y'know, I shouldn't go building people I love up like that I guess. Life never was, and never will be, that fairytale romance shit.

But there's some darlin out there. Just waitin for me. I'll find her. Onea these days. 

5:01 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Uh Oh
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Well...ah... that didn't work out as well as I'd hoped.

I've come pretty close to having a nervous breakdown and offing myself over the last few days.

And I used H again.

Fucking hell. The thing is, well, I actually thought that because of my past horrendous break-ups and my "new" attitude towards love itself, that I'd learned enough to cope with what's happening. I mean, I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I thought I had some wisdom working for me. But nope.

I think I love(d) her more than even I realised. I had a whole plan and stuff for the future.A nd all that being swept away just fucking floored me.

So I'm taking sleeping pills to cope with the horrendous nightmares in which Jen laughs at me while having sex with complete strangers. Oh and my knee is all fucked up, I spent most of Saturday in Hospital. And my hand is infected too from a burn at work. And the doctors have me on a SUICIDE WATCH woohoo which basically involves me reporting in to the doctor every day, it's kinda cool, I feel like a Nazi War Criminal or something.

But I think a big culprit in all this is the drugs. I've been pretty fucked up for a coupla months, partying way too hard, and well, I'm not 16 anymore, it's time to face it. So I'm not goin straight edge, don't worry, but I think it'stime I looked after myself a bit better. A  lot better actually.

I wonder about my attitude to love, my concept of it. Because you know what? It seems to drive people away, without fail. I assumed that you can't love someone too much, you can't give them enough of yrself, that it's a good thing. But maybe not. Maybe I will always drive people away. Maybe I'm just better off not being with anyone anymore, and living with myself. Maybe.

I could leave Wellington now I suppose. There's no reason to hang around really. Maybe I'll leave the country at the end of the year. But it'll be for good this time if I do go, so I have to consider that carefully.

Some nice girl wants to go out for coffee with me. But to tell you the truth... I'm kinda back where I was before Jennie changed my world. I don't hold much hope of anything successful coming of it, because shit always works out the same. Hard to be upbeat when you're always being proved right.

At least I finally got the guts to call Jen. I'm gonna go up there tonight and just ask her a few questions, hopefully she can shed some light on what the fuck my problem is. I have had one sorta moment of clarity though, you know: she was beautiful and glamorous and shining and sexy and quite the star and we made a great celeb couple at parties and gigs and whatever but.... fuck that. I mean, all those fun times? It's gloss. It's veneer.  All I ever really wanted, still want, is someone to hold. I don't give a fuck if we sit at home in track pants. I just don't fucking care. I hold that warmth and support and comfort as the highest prize. But maybe that's wrong of me. Hell, I dunno. I'm gonna try and work it all out, and stay alive.

Oh and Huge Props to Maya, Belinda, A dam and Cale. You guys are the best friends a madman could have.

7:00 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Just Like They Said It Would
Current mood: Bleak

Me and Jen are finished.
I loved her so fuckin much man. Goddamn it.
Stupid cunt for believing there was a future in it I guess.
What now?
Try and get on with my life I suppose. Everything seems like the colours been drained from it.
I had the best year last year.
No tears though, through with that shit.
Just gotta try not to get too depressed.
Just gotta forget her.
She doesnt understand why I wont be dropping by the shop, and continuing as normal.
It's because I fucking loved you baby, and it tears my fuckin heart out to be around you.

Life. You gotta pay the fee, I guess.

8:32 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

What a fucking week
Current mood: Pissed Off
Category: Pissed Off Goals, Plans, Hopes

Oh shit.

Well, I had a pretty good weekend. Thursday night met Jennie, Belinda and Adam after work at the TSB Arena where they’d been watching Queens Of The Stone Age and Smashing Pumpkins, dropped acid and went to this guy’s place and tried to wreck it. Highlights: trying to insert a pool cue into Jennie, being flipped onto the coffee table by Adam, catching Jennie as she fell from the tennis tower, and the bum dance Belinda and I did.

Friday convinced my love to come to the UK Subs even thopugh she felt a bit worse for wear and was starting to sound suspiciously adult. She’s been a bit like that lately, all worried and sober and cute. Even when she’s miserable she’s cute. So we went, got really fuckin drunk, had a great time, and went back to Jens and partied then passed out.

Saturday... went home after making my beloved breakfast, passed out, got woken up at about 5 by adam telling me to drop acid and come to Summerset, the big dance party thing at the basin. Jen was off to see Kiss and Alice Cooper at the cake tin, so I forced myself to go into town, drop acid, and meet Melody, Adam and Bee. Adrock said we may be able to get free tickets to Kiss, I figured what the fuck, so we went up there, couldn’t get in, so me and Adam dropped some E and ended up walking around town looking at the moon and drinking pirate beer. It was ACE. Went back tyo Jen’s, partied, passed out.

Sunday: big Woodford/Pompey food gathering at Jennies for Easter, (quite chuffed to be included as you can imagine) so I got a 50 dollar leg of lamb and cooked it, sat in the sun, laughed, lay around listened to the hilarious family banter, played scrabble(I bet Jen! WTF???), then Dr Who and snuggles on the couch. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Monday: spent in bed watching docos by meself smokin pot

Today: got to work, Motorbike shop called, told me my WOF is gonna cost 800 bucks. Then went to the bank, credit card is fuckin MAXXED. After I just got it all back to zero. My girl is working on Split Enz tonight so I won’t see her. End result: Financial Ruin, Hard Night of Work ahead of me, No Girl, Long Walk Home. Fuck it. Ah well, you have to pay for having a good time I guess.

Hopefully I can afford to get my bike back tomorrow. Jeez.

Oh, and I have been rostered on every single day this week. That’s right. No days off. *hmmphh*

Currently listening : Demmamussabebonk By Snuff Release date: 13 February, 1996

7:18 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Well Never Mind All That
Current mood: Relieved, Sexually Satiated, But Still Horny
Category: Relieved, Sexually Satiated, But Still Horny Sports

Ah yes well.

Thanks guys for the kind comments and helpful advice, and yes you were right in the sense that we had to have a sober and very honest conversation about things. And it turns out that yours truly is not entirely blameless. As usual hahaha. God I get a bit of a martyr complex don't I?

I mustn't let my old mistakes and prejudices and fucked up headedness destroy my life basically.

Anyway. We have accepted our respective mistakes and we are moving on in our relationship towards its eventual goal, opening a Tree Octopus Farm in the Netherlands and eventually destroying the world with a HOLY CLEANSING FIRE.

I'm very lucky to have a beautiful talented smart funny and highly dangerous girlfriend like Jennie Woodford. And she is very lucky to have an emotional misfit with a penchant for leopardskin like me as her boyfriend.

So the romantic comedy goes on. :)

Currently listening : Disconnecting By The Sinking Ships Release date: 18 July, 2006

4:55 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Why Me...Why Her...
Current mood: Fucking miserable, on the verge of tears, etc
Category: Fucking miserable, on the verge of tears, etc Automotive

Well.

We had a nice fight the other day. And things have been fucking me off, her behaviour when she's drunk etc.

I love her so much, but she's starting to take a big toll on me.

She's in Auckland today. At a festival. With one of her exes. I shouldn't be bothered should I. I should be sweet about all this and trust her, which I do, by the way. It's just shitty to put me through it.

And I can't get past that really. She's back on Sunday, and maybe the best thing to do is break up. I don't know. Maybe.

Don't really have anyone to talk to about this either, which sucks. Probably why I'm writing it down, get it out of my head.

I've never loved anyone the way I love her. Why does she keep wanting to hurt me? I mean, the last 3 weeks... I've had to ignore a lot of shit.

Anyway, thanks internet for listening.

3:18 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

You dick
Current mood: Rather embarrased and sore

On Saturday night me and Emma, my new flatmate, got REALLY DRUNK and went over to the neighbours cos they were having a party. And I freaked them out doing freestyle vocal impersonations of a saxophone. I can't remember much after that but to cut a long story short I fell down some concrete steps and split me noggin open, and me knee, and me elbow. I think I actually TUMBLED. The neighbours helped me get home (thanks guys) and Emma cleaned me up and made me an ice pack and bandaged me up and took the gravel out of my head. Cheers Em. And put me to bed. God I'm a loose drunk. Dear oh dear.

But I have awesome friends.

Adam's birthday today, one year older but no less of a great guy. And Jennie is getting back today. I haven't talked to her for about 3 days, I think the batteries on her phone ran out after getting to Parihaka. I hope so anyway, and not that they had some horrendous accident or anything. Come home safe and happy, my sweet. I miss you terribly.

Owwww.

Currently listening : Chocolate and Cheese By Ween Release date: 27 September, 1994

3:55 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Jesus I really wonder about shit. Maybe cus I’m dumb?
Current mood: Farty
Category: Farty Movies, TV, Celebrities

Happy New Year everyone.

Well.

Lessee... about 24 hours before she went away, Jen and I basically broke up... which meant I DIDNT go to Belinda Lee's birthday party, (sorry sorry sorry) and that with impeccable timing, I'd begun a feud with my missus just as she was leaving for 2 weeks to go run about in a thong at New Years on a beach somewhere. Anyone who has ever seen my gorgeous girl in a bikini would know why that left me very worried and quite miserable.

Anyway.

Thank fuck, we got our shit together and patched it all up in time for her to leave on her holiday. It involved me drunk driving, which is VERY FUCKING BAD INDEED but oh well I gues it helped save my relationship so... anyhow. Last night was New Years, I hope she had a great time. I wasnt gonna go out cus I worked til 11 thirty, and I was broke. But work last night, though really busy, was actually fuckin smooth and a lot of laffs. And Franco bought me a beer afterwards. Which led to another. And another. Then Michele and Mauro started giving me free drinks. Then Franco gave me some money. So me and my kitchenhand Aquiles got pissed, and hung out with the waitresses getting drunk til Zico closed. Oh and Mauro was trying to start fights with everyone walking past it was hilarious. So then me and Aquiles head to the Hummingbird for Long Island Iced Teas and Mojitos. Fuck we got waaassted. This fucking gorgeous blonde who was a friend of Matt and Eddie's hooked into me... we were dancing and she got all frisky and it was all a bit... I felt like, well...this girl was fucking stunning eh. But she wasn't the woman I loved. And though she is hundreds of miles away doing god knows what, I won't cheat on her. Cus I love her. I told this girl that too. She was a bit miffed, but she said that was pretty cool of me. I dont give a fuck if it's cool, it's what a man worth his salt should do. SO.

Today I'm out at my mate Hellboy's place him and his fambly are away on holiday and he gave me the keys which is awesome. I have 3 days off work so I'm gonna kick back, read, eat, swim, sunbathe and give up smoking.

Life is very good, I  hope it's going well for you all too. 2008. Big plans. :)

Currently listening : Cocked and Loaded By Revolting Cocks Release date: 07 March, 2006

7:01 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment