hello folks i am not dead. I just wanted to let people know. I can't log onto myspace because it will crash my computer. So if i want to look at it what goes on here i have to leave the house for something other than work, or looking at my tomato plants. (which is almost never) i am still waiting, for my paperwork so that i can go to sweden, I hope all is well with everyone.
So today I came home from work and started to draw a bath as usual. I went to check the BMW forums to see if there was anything new up. I returned to my bath to find a huge jumping Spider franticly flailing about in the tub. I reached down and scooped him out of the water and set him on a dry towel. after several small movements he just seemed to give up.
it made me think of a turtle that I saw caught in a hogwire fence that was stuck, and it had dug holes under its feet because it could not move forward. If only it had backed up. I got out of the car to see if i could help. It was also too far gone. I saw it while driving away from the Wichita Falls air port. I saw it on the way in but it did not register in my mind what it was, till I got back. If only I had realized the first time.
I am not sure what the relevance of these things are but it made me mindful of trying to control and rush about during things I can not control. When you get there all you can do is realize the futility of your struggle for an impossible goal. My problems are my own and no one can bail me out. I might get help but it may be too late. I must be mindful of my surroundings and my actions, as I can control both with preparation.
any way I am sad the spider passed, maybe it meant nothing, or everything
how is that one can find themselves in such a beautiful condition that they could be content to yearn for the next day's pending each and every day is a chance to breathe breath without contrition that is the life that should be chosen by any, with happiness unending
looking upon the face of choices with so many options brought to bare, can excite the soul to the point that one has no need to worry or care
whatever choice is made tonight there is no doubt it will be all right
she stands right beside him so the light shall never dim
so here is the story and a bit of wisdom to follow
Sunday I woke up about 9 am to do some home remodeling.I wanted to see if I had recorded any movies on the TiVo, but I needed the remote.the remote was, as chance would have, it was lying on the edge of the bed next to the wall.As I reached to retieve the remote, I felt a sensation in a part of my body that was not at all pleasant.in fact, it is safe say that whatever one's idea of pleasant is this was exactly opposite.I suddenly felt as though a white hot needle had been thrust though the left side of my proverbial "junk".after a few choice Ow's and damnit's, "I was way too surprised for any really good curses", I looked down to see a wasp that was just having a Sunday walk on my bed.I also realized that my shorts were not wasp stinger proof.The reality of this thing which, can only happen to me, sunk in ;and I thought, what did I do to deserve this. though mostly I just thought ow and damnit.
I am going to take this little anecdote to explain my lack in belief in the western view of Karma, a return energy, or any sort of predestination.Karma, which has been corrupted into a superstitious excuse for hoping bad things on enemies and wish more than is deserved for good doing is a false placed driving force in the lives of many.The concept of karma was developed by the believers in the Buddhist philosophy.It has been trivialized into-" do good and good stuff happen- do bad and bad stuff happen".the reality is that it is not a feedback process.a person with the ability to do good, is expected to do so.if you know the difference between right and wrong then you should do right.if your are going to practice evil it is because you do not deserve the position or understanding you have in life.one harms one's self most of all when practicing evil; because it makes you less than you are, and have the potential, to be.every time you do something that is good but hard to do, it will become subsequently easier each time, until it becomes normal practice.
that being said there is only one thing I felt like I should be punished for in the past couple months.I was a gossip and spread words that were said by another to my own gain.I feel bad about it,and while I spoke no mistruth I still did not have the interest in others in my heart when I spoke the words said by another.yet I don't think that a sting in the nuts would make me not do it again.it just makes me hate wasps all that much more.things happen.some we make happen and some just stings us when we least expect and there is nothing that can be done, good and bad.I will not be a gossip in the future because I am above that.
so things change. i walk down the path that seems best, with the intention of having a choice. i can't look back to see where i have been, because it might confirm the black thoughts that bounce back and fourth in my head. So I stumble along and pick flowers along the way, some are nice, the kindof flower i wish would be forever within reach because their presence is life affirming. some i reach to pluck and they cut me, though at the time i felt it was worth it. and yet when i look at the blood on my finger does that not affirm that i breathe still. i have not thus far chosen my path, and yet I am the master of my feet. in time i will find my destiny, and those that have their own destiny to intertwine with mine will also do so. so some say the fate of millions can lie within a single flutter of a butterfly's wings. and sometimes i can't be made to see the good and bad in front of me if Guido was looming over with a baseball bat prodding me in the right direction, master of my own feet my ass. well i am sure all of this philosophical tête-à-tête will free me from my unknowing slumber and set the weights off of my heart. and if not there is always the Muppet Show. that or locking myself in a room with no food or water till i have found the errors of my fastidiousness and the truth of my pleasant victories in preference. either way the sun will rise tomorrow
