Ahh the human body....centuries of medical research has revealed much, but still mysteries remain....like how i can hydrate myself continuously while at work and feel just a slight sensation of needing to relieve myself...but yet one diet coke at the movie theater REQUIRES a minimum of four visits to the bathroom just so i can feel comfortable throughout the movie...
the latest of my traditions is the visit to Border's Bookstore, where i can indulge in a large iced vanilla late (which i prefer over Starbucks nowadays) and go over material from the union classwork (two textbook's worth mind you) normally i can handle this relatively small amount of fluid....certainly until i arrive to the school and use their one bathroom...one slight problem....there is only one, and it was broken today....
what started out as a joke of possibly pissing myself turned into a reality as my bladder had no tolerance for games and the plumber worked at a light-hearted pace..."how long could i hold it?" i thought....def not the 2.5 hours for sure, but at least until the plumber was done dismantling the toilet and replacing nameless parts...then the pain started....
now just for reference...being in a class of about 60 bartenders is pressure all in its own...the profession naturally carries the need to have thicker skin than most, and being a whiney crybaby about anything other than being stiffed on a large tab is nothing short of inexcusable....it's like saying "OWIE!!!!!!" while getting a tattoo in a shop full of hardened professions with skulls on their dicks...
i figured that at least a quarter of all these people were in the same boat as me, but as i focused on anything but the agony of having to go, i noticed no looks of discomfort or yearning to let go that precious yet vile urine....so i wait....and wait.....and shake...and twitch....and wait some god damned more.....
I'm telling you right now....and it's hard for me to say this as a male approaching his mid-twenties....i was literally minutes away from becoming an infamous legend as the guy that pissed his pants in the middle of union bartending class and walked out with a huge wet spot on his tight jeans....i have never been so scared in my life of committing an irreversible act of embarrassment...thank god the toilet was fixed in time and the plumber went on his way....i owe him my current and future social life in this town...
The Chronicals of Albinana; The Jellyfish, the Union, and Mount Charleston...
With the passing of my 8,000th blog view, it is about time i wake up from my blogging slumber and update the few or many that read the newest adventures of your friendly neighborhood Joseph Albinana...
Is a career in bartending an oxymoron? i believed so for most of my 23 years breathing...life for me has always been that of a jellyfish....capable of swimming on its own but always flowing with the stronger currents...i go where opportunity takes me, and sometimes that means leaving behind those i care about....yes the waters of California were good and warm, and somehow i ended up in the pool waters of Nevada....
In general life has been taking me in the opposite direction of where i thought i would be going...shit...plans were to be back in California already...but here i am in Las Vegas, having re-signed the lease to my comfy 1 bedroom apartment that is still haunted mind you....even work has been a new experience...my sure bet Just Jazz has alluded me....when it closed down i was out of a job for what i thought was a month tops....ever the resourceful bastard that i was, i took up a bartending gig in the scenic but slightly out of sight establishment of The Hotel @ Mount Charleston...the drive time is pretty much the same as the strip to me, but completely in the opposite direction...believe me....i would much rather be where the action is....
i thought it was going to be a very short term job, but when circumstances forced me out of a job under new management of the then Just Jazz (now The Square Apple) i was left to have Mount Charleston grow on me like a manageable tumor...it's not that im unhappy up there, but definitely understimulated....that was until i came across a sticky pad note that had information for Local 165, the bartender's union of Las Vegas....
now if you read my previous blog detailing the pros and cons of bartending categories within Vegas, you would recall that i spoke highly of the union, but the requirements were rather stringent and took too much time and effort to get into....well when i re-checked into the union requirements, it turns out that with all of the building in town, new casinos are popping up and the demand for union spots has increased greatly....so it turns out the good ol' boys eased up enlistment restrictions...following an intense 16 week course, a cushy job awaits with a very impressive hourly and benefit package that rivals many jobs mommy and daddy have...needless to say i have since enlisted, and i currently have 1 week down and 15 more to go....
the union classes by the way probably have some of the most fascinating coursework i have come across...i have taken generic bartending classes in both New York and Vegas, and where they focus mostly on drink recipes and quickness....union classes focus on theory and "from the ground up" knowledge of wine, beer, and spirits...i get a kick out of knowing that in class im going to learn hands-on how to make champagne, wine, vodka, and beer...our class is even blessed to have as our teacher a hilarious, old, dirty mouthed italian bartender who gives us tips on how to deal with hookers at our bar....
does this mean im not moving back to California? well it's always been the plan...i can't picture being here in Vegas forever...but the jellyfish that i am needs to see if there's good eatin' with the current i'm being carried in...the union is an amazing deal....via six degrees of separation i care to not to divulge on, there is a bartender in my class that i know makes excellent money working the clubs in this town...so im thinking that if this guy is joining the union like me, i have to be in good waters....
so that's it...Mount Charleston is my resident bar for the time being, and while im counting the insects and bats that i kill with my windshield, im counting the weeks that it'll take to be living the easy life of the Local 165...
Perhaps you have come across the new contest being posted on MySpace...perhaps you haven't...as pertaining to a new movie called Henry Poole is Here...the director, normally who works on music videos, has set up the contest for aspiring and unsigned artists to create a theme song to the movie that must incorporate values such as faith, love, miracles, and hope....as well as being titled and having the words "Henry Poole is Here" in the song... winner gets to have his song made into a music video for the movie, a possible performance at the premiere, and a chance to meet with record execs....
well i call out to all fellow singer/songwriters to take a crack....i have already started and im very excited to finish it and put it up on my blog....possibly one of the best songs ive done under such defined criteria...
sorry to sell out and post a bulletin about this blog, but i want all of you to make sure you read this because if the off chance occurs that i place in the finalists section, you will be physically obligated to vote for me...there's no negotiating it....you will vote....for better or worse....so there's the heads up...
I have been somewhat hesitant to write a new blog since the last one posted, based on the sneaking suspicion that i have run the limit of blog storage space...i remember a while back taking note that i was not too many off from having 200 blogs under the belt...my mind relished all the introspection and time it took to write that many...and although i could not be certain, i could swear i should have already hit that mark...for once i hold ill will towards MySpace....for me being able to see my first message ever written to me or comment posted, but the website giving up on archived personal literature after only 186 blogs....by my own estimates i have lost approximately 15 or so blogs to the seemingly endless abyss of cyberspace...
i do hold some blame to myself...i have thought to myself for quite some time that i should be copying my blogs over to my laptop, but i am a Lazy Lover....i thought it prudent to start this herculean effort before writing again, but i am willing to sacrifice yet another piece of my past for this one....
tonight, thanks to Cleveland and his similar tastes in film, i was referred to go through my On Demand section of Cox Cable and watch Wristcutters: A Love Story...and i must say that this movie is instantly on my top 5 movies ever watched....
without going too much into it or in fear of getting too deep, the movie is pure genius...it's about a guy that commits suicide and his punishment is a more fucked up version of his former life, occupied only by people who committed suicide themselves...but the significant part is how in this altered reality, he not only finds true companionship, but also finds true love...
i think what most appealed to me was how everything and everyone was around him....in some sick satirical way, it was more like how the world should be...in his new world, he was surrounded by people who were all there because they screwed up...they knew what they did, and they knew they were no better than anyone else....they were just trying to get by and find whatever happiness they could...im really not doing the movie justice by trying to get in the specifics...i know most of you would not find this movie as moving as i have, but i sincerely believe that if you like the person i am or how i roll, and consider yourself to be a kindred spirit, you MUST watch this movie for your own personal development/betterment ....
before this euphoric moment of mine dissipates, i must say that i get shit for being the housecat that i am...yeah i could be out and about living my life according to Las Vegas standards, or just plain conforming to the social requirements of my age range, but i think under normal circumstances, without the people that i choose to surround myself with, i would have never watched this sleeper of an amazing movie...being the movie enthusiast that i am, i believe cinema to be modernized theater, which in turn should be taken as seriously of an art-form as music or literature....yeah there are shitty movies out there, i guarantee that any historian would give anything to watch even the shittiest play that ever debuted before or during the Renaissance...not buying my philosophy? that's ok....this housecat's got all the time to play indoors and watch the movies for you....
the future is seems so predictable...i swear i dont know whether im in awe of how well i can predict it, or how well i fulfill it, regardless of what i do or dont want to happen. am i the truest victim of destiny or self sabotage?
it would certainly be folly for me to say i'm lonely and wanting for that special kind of woman to finish off the romantic comedy of my life in style....ive certainly had my shot more than once and i am all too familiar with how i treat the romantic interest...the reason is all too clear in the wake of disaster....how could i ever be "THE guy" when i am already taken...
Freedom....she is the true L.D.O. (refer to previous blogs for more details on this term) that i have unwittingly committed to....she is reason for my best character traits and worst character flaws....i am drawn to her and scared to be without her....when i finally think that i can move on, she seduces me with her open roads and nameless faces...i am powerless against her...
i take genuine comfort in knowing those i pushed away found solace in the arms of others who have tasted Freedom's kiss and could take a chance turning their back on her...they are better off...
Behold, i am Samson...and i seek refuge from Delilah and her shears...
Im getting a real kick out of the whole own your friends application...i like writing clever little lines for all the people i buy and the battles of trying to keep someone for myself...so much that if someone tries to buy a person i want to keep, i treat this like....ohhhh....i dont know....a columbian drug lord....
"try to take something from me? ok then, i'll take back what's mine, take you, and take someone close to you..."
this philosophy has brought me to cross paths with a random person that i shall not name, but resides is texas...i did not know her, but i bought her because her owner tried to take what was mine...so anyways i get a message from her saying who are you i don't know you....mind introducing yourself?
i happilly wrote out how i got to buying her, but when i tried to send it, i discovered she has her profile set up so that you have to be a friend to be able to send messages...now, i could have just forgot about it, but i didnt want to be rude and make her think i was ignoring her....so i cleverly wrote a snippet of it in the spot where you can write a note when you request someone....i thought.....she'll add me, we'll get this conversation going...easy...
wrong...not only does she not add me, but she sends me another message that i cannot respond to...something like....why would i add you when i dont know you? so i go back to re-request her, politely explaining that i dont give a shit, but if she's so interested to talk, she has to either add me or change her privacy settings.....so what does she do? add me....send me a message...and delete me....
what the fuck to do? well i told her, much like you tell a small child, that you can't just delete me and expect things to work, me being able to talk to her is based on me being on her friends list.... so what do i get as i wake up in the morning? a new message that reads "why do you wanna be my friend so badly i don't even know you"
so that's where im at, frustrated because this shit kickin' hillbilly wants to talk to me, but is too stupid to understand that she needs to add me in order to talk...i have no interest in knowing this idiot or talking to her, but now i look like some pushy creep when in reality, im simply trying to accommodate her desire for "chit-chat", and going through great lengths to do so....i need a smoke....
About 10 minutes ago, i decided to embark on finding an old friend i met a few years back but fell out of touch with...the only thing i remembered about her was her first name....she could have been anywhere, and as tough as this was going to be, i then remembered how i met her through a mutual friend....who also was someone who's last name i could remember.... but seeing as how i felt he was a less ambitious character, i was banking i could pin him down to the old zip code where i lived....
as i began looking for said male, i started remembering various memories i had of this kid...most of which were unpleasant....this kid was a textbook definition of "i'm invincible...nothing can stop me...." kind of youth...from time to time we would get into conversations of an offbeat nature....
Joseph - "Seriously bro....if zombies took over the world....like as in running zombies.....we are so screwed...."
Kid - "Maybe you....if i had a ninja sword i could fight them off as they came at me"
Joseph - "You're not understanding me....if they swarmed you there's no hope....as you're swinging in one direction they'll come at you from the other..."
Kid - "Not if i'm running while swinging....and i can run fast..."
Joseph - "You are so retarded....i don't give a shit how fast you are...you'll get tired and they won't....you'll still get swarmed...if it ever happened, you should listen to what im telling you..."
Kid - "i think i could make it...."
I shit you not this was a conversation we had....and while i cannot properly show it, picture me talking with increased frustration and disdain towards the kid for thinking he could fight off multiple, blood-thirsty, running zombies (if you don't know about my feelings on the subject of zombies, i suggest you subscribe to my blogs and start from the beginning...)
so as i reflected on this conversation, i started to wonder if he was using my obvious passion on the subject to fuck with me, and instantly i thought this was a perfect jim/dwight moment....down to the "t"....so amazed at myself, i felt the need to write this blog....i guess when it's all said and done...sometimes you're the Jim Halpert......sometimes you're the Dwight Schrute....and as much as i'de hate to admit it, i tend to Dwight it up way more than i realize...
With the warmer weather brings a subject i wrote frequently about when i first moved into this apartment....crickets....the bastards who made my life miserable for the summertime months...
well just now i took out the trash and came upon the chirping of a cricket rather close to the sidewalk...now what i love is how crickets typically chirp away right until the point where you are very close to them....only to start up again when you leave their proximity....how fucking rude...
reminds me of those times when you walk up to a group of people in conversation who stop mid sentence as you approach them....and then of course when you leave from the awkward silence they start right up from when they left off....saying pretty much you were not worthy of being in on their topic of discussion....
you know what crickets? fuck you....let the games begin....
apparently the animals used in the creation of Hawaiian BBQ meals are slaughtered in tragic and unspeakable ways, because my car is currently viciously haunted by the smell of their corpses...
On friday, we at the Square Apple had somewhat of an informal soft opening in which delicious Hawaiian BBQ was catered.....and the good times rolled.....so much of this food was ordered that there was enough left over to feed a Somollian Village...
you could say that i was being greedy by not shipping all this food to said tribe....but what can i say.....im weak in the face of those delicious spare ribs and macaroni salad.....so i took literally pounds of the stuff from the potential trash can and took it home.....
ahhh...the delicious aroma engulfed my scion for the 20 minute ride as the food was securely nestled on the passenger side floor....little did i know that vengeful spirits were at work....
now my car is plagued by such a rancid odor, that i could swear that there is a pound of dead sweetended carcus inbetween my extra license plate from the DMV and that empty pack of parliaments i always forget to throw out when i go to the gas station and buy new ones....
i hope large doses of febreze count as an exorcism...
Step 1: Take every convict with no living family ties, that have no possibility of parole or no commutable death sentence...
Step 2: Supply them with firearms seized from local and federal investigations...
Step 3: Separately but simultainiously ship firearms and convicts into the hottest and most dangerous red zones of conflict within Iraq...
Step 4: Broadcast the event using high-tech surveillance which will be funded by corporate sponsors to aid in federal spending...
Step 5: Sit back and watch Fox's brand new reality show "Terror VS Terror" appearing after American Idol!
If you dont think it will work....it's actually been done before....go ahead and watch The Running Man.....worked great until Arnold fucked it all up....
