Nothing
Category: Blogging

The world spins so quiet without any warning as minds fill challenging reasonings.
Death is clear and known but those that are alive, missed and unkind, alive without being
Left with no meening.
Make an effort without expectations, while denial fills the human mind in eyes filled with regret and denial. Running away from the past. Just question and put out effort to progres!

Nothing worse than someone alive than someone dead who hides in what they want to think is true.

Nothing to hide or conceal, I live a life filled with truth and what is real. Seen it all, been through to much. Too much pride. The world is just a playground, life is a rebound. To bite the hand that feeds and leave them in need without closure, only exposure on denial and greed. Moving on with only memories of words, and sounds.

Nothing left to say. Stood my ground left it alone to believe a friendship that was not a dream, just jaded by words to stubborn at the time to say! Once someone has crossed the line and left behind truth that never dies! My effort is made a joke and that is when i'ts the end and the time has come to let go!

Do not show up on my doorstep or in my life. Damage is done. Crossed the line. Say you wish me the best in life. That is my closure and your hell to what you know and what you said. So I let go and you know when I do it's forever. No holds bar cause you are severed!

Time to let go, leave me alone and think of me as a ghost as I think of you as a coward broken.

Letting go!

1:43 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tag Your It!
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Friends

ma tag you....


Each victim -- er -- player starts with 10 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their things as well as post the rules in the blog. Choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they have been tagged and to read your blog.

1. I crave food late at night.

2. I tell my daughter who does not know her father, because we split when she was an infant her dad is Johnny D.! So evreytime we watch a movie we all say there's your dad off making movies.

3.I have dreams that come true.

4. I have to many ideas in my head for one person!

5. I want to live on a place that involves only those I can tolerate.

6. When I fall asleep people have been known to think I am dead, including my mom who is an RN. She tried pouring water on me and I did not move, so she say's.

7.I have not had sex in 2 years.

8. I love reality shows, animal planet, crime story's on true TV (the blood and all), history, weather, and What I Like About you.

9. I talk to much when I am nervous.

10.I do not understand those who claim they mean it when they ask, How are you, in passing? So I make them stop and listen to how I am. Ask and I will tell. This is to delete the fake from the real.



I tag: all yall.

12:07 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

If Girls can wear slutty eyeliner why can’T BOys?
Current mood: annoyed
Category: News and Politics

Gasping for Air,

OK-----This is so fucking stupid.

I want to be-head the person who made my middle son scrub his waterproof eyeliner off without even calling me.

He is almost 13 and a soon to be pro-skater along with being a violinist and bassist. If girls get away with wearing skirts up to their butt;'s and eyeliner as well then why is it so weird for my son too be an individual without being discriminated against?

Sigh,
I just got a call from the queen and now I am sorry, as is she. So she shall not be be- headed.

A teacher reported he was putting "make-up" on in class and accepted that girls do it as well but because he is a boy it was most likely more unexpected leading to a distraction. Thing's are worked out and it was 2 weeks ago that he put it on in class thus leading to this dreadful experience but he will be getting a talk with the V- principle in the morning and all will be fine.

I just thank God that she was able to announce she was not perfect and this has been resolved.

Robert Smith wears make-up and he is still married to his childhood sweetie.

We are talking eyeliner here. What do you think?

As I told her. How does it feel for a 13 year old boy to see girls with short skirts and priming themselves during class in their make-up mirrors?

"DISTRACTED"

Peace, Light, and all that Jazz,

C.G.

1:40 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

TIME FOR A CHANGE!
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Life

Do you ever feel stagnant?

2008 so far has been filled with many challenging events. My car's motor died.

Thanks to a friend who helped find a motor from a junk yard and then basically re-doing the whole car, I was able to revive the 2001 sedan for a very affordable price. So in the end it worked out!

Not only did this person teach us about car's but we were able to help with his computer and get to hang out with him more, thus bringing stronger friendships.

In the meantime I had an old friend on my mind. Someone who I had been really missing. Phone rings, it's a number I do not recognize. I normally do not answer 's I do not know. I answer it and it's Alice, the friend I had lost touch with for a long time who got my from another friend who I had lost contact with who got my from, of all people my first x husband.

So Alice comes to my son's first gig with her family and then I get a call from her asking me if we want to come out to Talking Rock for the weekend.
She now lives on a bunch of land and live off of the land and eat and sell food, among other things. So they live in a little self created community in nature.
I live in a very high traffic place and I have been in isolation for quite some time, dealing with my illness, other things and living my life for everyone else.
I rarely go anywhere except to get my new addiction Webkinz:)
This was different and I wanted to go. Mainly to see my friend's and the girls but also to get away from the apartment I feel chained to.

So at the last minute I said kids get ready cause we are going to N. Georgia. They asked if everyone was going to be wearing cowboy hats and boots. Little did they know it's more of a Hippie, peaceful place.

So on Friday evening we packed up our now drivable car and headed to our destination. I will be posting pics soon. I cleaned out a chicken coup and got to fetch fresh eggs, picked herbs from the gardens, planted tomato plants for indoors for summer. Their were goats and chickens and a spring where we got our water and honest I have never seen the kids so happy. The chickens laid eggs like crazy and we had never retrieved eggs before. Most of all it was a blast spending time with my friend and her family.

My oldest will be going to college soon and I have been looking around for places I want to move to. Alice told me I should consider thinking of moving there and I just might in the next year after I go back in the hospital in March and I get enough money saved to build a big wall tent.

I just want to breathe again and I am so looking forward to start living a life that I feel peaceful in and can be creative.

I am so blessed to have had this time to think about a life change. It was much needed.

People seem, including myself to get so wrapped up in the high tech society we live in that we forget about nature and contentment. How much you can do without being in an office all day. It was awesome.

Peace, Love, and all that Jazz,

C.G.

10:49 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

SPRING CLEANING IN THE WINTER
Current mood: determined
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

SPRING CLEANING IN THE WINTER

I am a pack rat and have things I will never use or need! So as the clutter from keeping everything, from my kid's school flyers from 4 years ago, unopened junk mail, Clothes that don't fit, cards, letters, anything you can imagine. Along with having moved quite a few times and life changing events, I tend to just push everything in a box and out of eyesight!

This all began when me being bored with the layout of the furniture and rearranging everything all over again. I realized how much junk I had, just in the rooms alone.

So the measures of putting the down stairs Garage that used to be an office and now is a place that I just put clutter in and boxes of things I put off going through has gotten out of hand.

In going through this never ending cycle of going through stuff, I have had to face happy memories, broken dreams, things I forgot I had, things lost and now found!

Therefore the simple task of just getting the needles in the haystacks and dwindling them down has forced me to clean up my mind, soul, and my life as a whole.

Finding cards, letters, pictures nick knacks from people that have died in the recent, along with those that are alive. Thus bringing both memories, happy and sad.

Deciding what to keep and what I do not need.

I find it hard to throw things away, thinking I will regret it! Or throw something important away. So in this project I am finding that sometimes it's good to get rid of stuff have not even thought of in years and some things that I find I can use, thinking was lost forever.

This is a seemingly a never - ending project. Then again I have learned that in a spiritual way so is constantly cleaning up your life and getting rid of the baggage and clutter.

Out of it so far I have actually let go of some of my pain and anger under unusual circumstances on a touchy subject.

I am far from done but each day the clutter and baggage gets less and less in my life as a whole.

Love, light, and all that Jazz,

C.G.

12:49 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

LOOKS LIKE I GOT SOME WORK TO DO NOW!
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Music

For me as the mom of three, 2 sons and one daughter, while fighting my illness I am trying to get on track!

My middle son is a skater as in boarding! He is good enough to be sponsored but I am not
at all well enough, to make this kind of commitment. He also plays the violin and Bass.

Ian my First Born is in a band but is a solo singer, composer, along with producer and, guitarist. He has his first solo act on the 8th of February! HIS SONG IS ON MY PROFILE! SO LISTEN TO IT! HE JUST GOT A BOSS DIGITAL RECORDER BR-600. So that helps him record and he's figured it out pretty well. His first recording of his own music is now on his myspace music page and click on my 2nd friend on list or you can search profile name Ian Mauldin! I am so freak-en exited. Yes it's just his first post trying to figure out how to record it and post it but it's him. Please show your support. I am very happy he is doing what he loves. A

My daughter who just is such a sweetie pie and she just spent the night with her friend for the first time ever having a sleep over.

ANYWAY LIKE MY SON'S SONG, I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF WORK TO DO NOW!

GOT TO GET BETTER AND THIS IS MOTIVATION. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF HIS NEW SONG, HE IS ONLY 16! TELL HIM TOO! THANKS, I LOVE YOU GUYS!


C.G.

6:45 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

CLARITY
Current mood: blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

MY Oldest son is a composer vocalist, musician and songwriter!

He entered two of his writings into a contest by the school Muse for a book called CLARITY

MUSE FALL 2007 VOLUME Vl

Both were entered in the book and the two he entered were not some of his newest!

I'd like to share them with you:


CRASHING TRAINS

I keep my demons in my pocket
I hold my angel in my arms
Keep them apart but close enough
So that I can keep on this facade
For all my friends
And fewer know to what end
And I truly feel much
Better than I've ever felt before
With you
By my side
I spoke the mummified line
Trapped in a nine volt battery of time
And though it's regrettable
I don't regret it; I meant to have said it
Through my strengths and weaknesses
Few have stood by me 'til the very end
And those who do I promise to
Love you
And I truly feel much
Better than I've ever felt before
With You
By my side
I've learned to fall asleap to the sound of crashing trains
In hopes that I won't wake up to their awful sounds again
For these trains they take no lives they only heave heavy scars
Torture for the people who have made their homes inside the cars
Yes I've learned to fall asleep to the sound of crashing trains
In hopes that I won't wake up to their awful sound again
But also I have learned to hold my head up high
That nothing's ever perfect but always something's right.

WRITTEN BY IAN MAULDIN


AVE ATQUE VALE

We used to talk
About conformity
All those people
Who wear all the same clothes
But now your one of them
I say good riddance
I say good riddance

Ave atque vale
Hail and Goodbye
Ave atque vale
Hail and Goodbye


You once said
I could depend on you
I'd have a friend
No matter how things go
And if they got to heavy
I'd have a home outside of the home
I say good riddance
I say good riddance

Ave atque vale
Hail and Goodbye
Ave atque vale
Hail and Goodbye

Some tried to warn me
Of your lack of integrity
How your pride
Would distance us
But I would not listen
No, I woudn't listen
No, I wouldn't hear it
I say good riddance
I say good riddance

Ave atque vale
Hail and Goodbye
Ave atque vale
Hail and Goodbye

Even though your not sorry;
I still forgive you my friend
Even though your not sorry;
I still wish you farewell my friend

Written by Ian Mauldin


I am so proud of him! DO NOT COPY THIS UNLESS YOU GIVE CREDIT To THE WRITER IAN MAULDIN!

9:41 AM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Shutting Down
Current mood: shocked
Category: Life

My organs are shutting down because of heretitary hemochromotosis! Hey, I still will keep a PMA! I am going to fight this and if I can I will beat it! Remember as I think often , while watching reality shows on T.V! FUCKING YES , MY LIFE IS NOT SO BAD! PEACE, LOVE, AND , LIGHT TO ALL C.G.

2:42 AM - 12 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

The meaning of Life!
Current mood: content
Category: Life

I was married so young and for so long that I didn't go through the phase of settling or Scurrying around trying to get hitched with every man who came my way! I have 3 kids to take care of. However I was talking to a friend the other day who was sitting with me at the hospital! She was really down and out for several reasons but one caught my attention and had alot to do with this write!

This 27 year old blonde hair girl just poured her feelings out to me. She survived Leukemia quite some years back when all odds were against her and in return she has scarring and can't have children and still has not really delt with all she went through! She is a very pretty girl and very kind hearted. I think she is going through post traumatic stress sendrome.

As she continued to open up to me, crying as she said she felt bored and depressed with life and how her good friends were all married and they did not invite her to go out as much because they went out with their married friends and she has not been able to find a good friend, not even at church. She hears from her married friends when they are having problems and she does not feel anyone will except her as she is resulting from her almost fatal disease!

I am now going through those issues of being in the middle of my fatal health issues, so I umderstand how horrifying all that must have been. I also know what it's like to be 34 with 3 children and divorced twice and labled as the x stripper at church even though I danced for less than 2 years. So same feelings just a different scenerio!

So I said God would not have you here if you didn't have some wonderful purpose! Offering comfort as she felt restless and as if she was being punished. She replied that she tries to think that way but she is just kinda losing the faith in that! I understand but patience and finding true contentment within yourself, when least expected something will open your eyes to something that you will just be embraced with I told her.

Moving on I related to the group party of people in our age group at the church we still attend and said I was around her age when I first started going to the Younger adult venues on Sunday and that the girls even in my bible study class were like 12 year olds jumping on the 1st train that even acknoledged them. I found it horrifying to say the least and they felt as though to get married was a ticking time bomb.

When I first started in the "gathering" Sunday groups a very nice loooking guy paid me a bunch of attention and I was not looking to get hitched but to get to know him as he was kind. He told me things along with other "christian" men that the other girls did not know. I could see the sharks surrounding him and giving me the sit with us treatment ,
Silently knowing that I was no threat or was I? Yes the plan worked, and he was married and with child with the cute little 27 year old blonde who had been pretending to care when she had her eyes on this hansome man.

When the girls in my bible study class (apperent that they did not want me to invade in a compatision for their "God SENT MAN" told me I needed to seak men much older than me I was really taken back. I explained that I was not looking nor trying and a woman should not have to try to trap a man. The men in the group did take an interest but I was not their to find one.

Back to my friend as she explained how the "gathering" is still like that and she to was not wanting to throw the bait out just because! Apperantley nothing has changed and I asked her how her married friends were doing and it was not good.


Don't get married because you think it will make the relationship better and settle for just anyonewho you cross paths with. Marrige does not help the relationship if you already have problems and then people think a baby is going to make it better? NOT

I commendedv her for not being a "shark" and understood her pain but also let her know that she would oneday have what GOD wanted her to have. Even quote Christians will have problems if they jump on the first train that passes and commended her for not getting married just to get married. Life is like this and I myself often ask what am I here for God? How can I serve you and be at peace. What more can I go through to do my dutey here on earth!

Well my friend got my mind off of my illness and I hope I was able in some way to tell her that she is not alone and many people that search for contentment in the wrong ways are most likly just having more troubles.

Contentment comes from inside and wether you believe in God or not you have to find peace within yourself to find peace in another and although everyones meaning of life differs
I believe even the non believers and the ones who are real are more Christain than those that "live for the lord" for they are the least and the lost and Jesus did die for them!

So I was happy to hug and embrace my friend and let her know that she would see some light but to know she was not alone and it was great! I wish years ago someone would have been open and honest with me like that rather than pretending to be my friend and boot me out cause I did not fit in with the "gathering" and honestley I do not think anyone does! Everyone has their insecurities and pasts even if you are a virgin.

My one plea to God is that he embraces the least and the lost and that he in his time shows them their meaning here on earth for now with myn illness and more complacations I realize that he was not letting me off that easy by intrusting me with 3 children on my own for8 1/2 years but that my illness will help others to understand and to me no matter how mad I get I feel blessed to have even bigger meaning in my life!

I know my friend has some major meanings. I have learned not to tell God I can't handle this because he just gives me more!

Girls and guys don't think marriage and kids are going to make you feel good unless you feel good within yourself!

Speaking from someone who is the biggest loser and I do mean that in a humble content way!

FIND YOUR MEANING IN LIFE AND RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVEN IF IT IS NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED AND HARD A DOOR WILL OPEN AND ANOTHER ONE WILL CLOSE!

LOVE YOU ALL AND BE THE BEST YOU CAN FOR THE GREATER GOOD, EVEN WHEN YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW! LOOK INSIDE:)


LOVE LIGHT AND ALL THAT JAZZ,

C.G.

10:45 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

They Say "Couriousity KillED The Cat" but I could not help it!
Current mood: over-it
Category: over-it Dreams and the Supernatural

YES DRAMA I KNOW!

I HATE IT BUT I HAPPENED TO GET A TEXT MSG EARLY THIS MORNING FROM SKYE!

IT READ:


" YOU WERE RIGHT, JUST NOT IN THE WAY YOU THOUGHT.

SORRY"


Most know Skye is my x from a very long time ago, as in about a year and 1/2, who is also reffered to as snaggletooth! The one who posted that dumb comment and I decided to post all his old blogs about me and how much he "loved" ME! By the way I am glad that shed the light for many between the other blogs.

As he has made crystal clear that he and Blah are in love and on and on and on.

Also I have had several very diverse stories he has said to me or to others making himself feel better I guess! Yes over a year ago I went a little crazy and although I broke things off with him It didn't mean I was not heartbroken ecspecially finding what a loser /liar whatever he really was.

I do not think their was one friend of his that he didn't talk crap about or tell me some outragious story about, that alone kinda bothered me. Really bothered me now Blah this supposive "prostitute" who during our first break up going on 3 Christmases ago went to Florida with and did the science thing with and I forgave him. Silly me. This is the same Blah that just recentley he informed they were in LOVE and buying a house and on and on and on and then had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to do the science thing with him. So now I know he loved me but it was really her all along he was meant to be with and how awfull I was and and on and how she made him soooo happy, and on and on he went! Last I spoke to him! Back in OCTOBER I THINK when I asked him to start paying me back the money he owed me and told him that I was diagnosed and really sick! Proof is in his blog he even said I was helping him pay his rent and stuff b/c workman's comp was supposably not sending him his checks. I have recieved $50 bucks thus far and as I've said not worth the hassle to even try and get it because I have to keep my sanity! I figured if he knew that I was suffering from a fatal illness he'd at least care enough to help me out after all the crap I did! NOT HAPPENING. OK SO I"m dragging on now and I'll get to this text thing.

Now first of all it was the latest I'd stayed up in a very long time and we had just gotten done watching Radio Flyer and a missed episode of Kid Nation so I was very tired it was 3:15 A.M. and these days I do not get texts that late or at all b/c everyone knows I don't reply to texts. I don't even know how and it takes an hour just to figure it out ecspecially when you go through phones like I do!

BEFORE YOU READ FURTHUR PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT I AM WAY OVER HIM!
SO NO ONE NEEDS TO SAY IGNORE HIM BECAUSE I NORMALLY DO!

This mysterious text was just driving me crazy and I even called one of my friends as not to disrupt someone who cant stand the thought of Skye in my household so we talked for an hour and I got off the phone still trying not to dwell on this wacked out text! I knew it wasn't about wanting me back because he knows that after 6 months of hearing him whine on the phone and text me and just pure drama I think I made it pretty clear although I had my moments of loss. Then I thought and what did I lose by ending it? Actually I gained and I am proud to say that that in itself was such a relief! It's easy to look at the good side when you put your heart and soul into something and for me to commit is like a miracle in itself and once I do then I am committed. IN EVERY WAY SHAPE AND FORM! SO HIS LOSS AND LOOKING BACK I LOST A BIG LYING MEAN, BACKSTABBING, MONSTER MIGRAIN! I also was lucky enough not to make a big mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I dont care but I couldn't help but want to know this text and it's meaning and my gemini mind would not allow me to sleep untill I figured it out! So after 15 minutes of trying to text him back, what are you talking about and I have no relavence of what is going on in your life so at least make some sense if this has anything to do with me? If not then leave me alone. Well that was just dragging on and I dont want to waste any energy on this evil being so I picked the phone up and called, until he answered of course! I just had to know! I am not sorry because I had too! From now on I won't because now I know it's just him being crazy!

So he answers and he said that Blah's boyfriend and father of their son, along with her sister and someone else kidnapped her off his moms front porch at 2:30 AM the other night and he drove after them to Florida and just got kicked out and was scared because Blahs boyfriend is a cop and he said they were out to get him and he was at a motel just checked into and yada yada yada and I was like and what does this have to do with me?

HE said you are phsycic, you told me everything that would happen and it did.

Now I do have the gift but I had to catch myself from laughing because he really thinks that it takes someone to have special powers to figure this one out! MMMM, he did kick her to the curb and wrote and said some pretty bad stuff to her about her and what not and then he thinks she's going to give up her security to live with someone who still lives with his mom and screwed her over once already, actually twice total! Hell NO, I am sure Blah banked on what Skye did and gave to her and then was like I am out of hear dude!

OK phone hangs up after he says I just wanted to tell you that I now know what it feels like and I am sorry! He contued to go on about my seeing the future! He supposablly checked into a motel and his cell was dying because he had no charger with him and he seamed to have fled from being kicked out and I don't know but it was just strange.
He was sorry because after all this time of saying how horrid I was, when he was being tricky that he was sorry cause now he knew what it felt like to be decieved.

Next call he answers he's in his car and he tells me that it's over he wanted to say by and sorry and he was calling his mom because he was about to drive off a cliff! IN FLORIDA????????? So I let him know clearly that I actually hoped it would work out with blah because I did. He claims he bought her a really nice ring and I couldn't help but say I wonder how much they got for it:o

So By now it's 6:30 AM and he says he has to call his mom because he is going to end it all and he hangs up. I wait a while and I call her b/c I am no devil so I wanted to let her know and insure that this was not some crazy joke and that he called her and hand it over to her! So I called and asked her if what Skye had said about the kidnapping true? She confirmed a similiar story and said he never called her that morning and she spoke the night before and things were not OK but she didn't go into it and I let her know that I was not sure what to believe but that if it was the case then she should check on him if he had not called! I let her know that I really didn't understand why he reached out to me, that I was not his friend and didn't want to be involved. However as a human being despite who it is I'd never be able to live with myself knowing what he said and not doing what I could to inform someone who might know how to get in touch with him and who ever he was staying with!

It didn't kill me and I guess I am the cat! I found the whole thing quite strange that all the sudden I am the one he calls after everything. I am sure he will be fine for I've heard the suicide thing before and what ever happens happens. I am just greatfull I am not in that drama and made it clear to him that although this was not my problem and It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out their future I was not spinless and offered to call multaple friends he claims not to be friends with anymore! So bottom line he called me to tell me I was a fortune teller and that he was sorry for what he did and killing himself over blah, Oh and that he thought that by getting her away from Florida would turn his new love into a decent person. It's like a drunk driving another drunk home.

So this was my closure and it was pretty interesting to say the least!

I really now know without a doubt he doesn't just have issues but he is mental!


Thank you GOD!

I Guess He Met His Match alright:)

3:53 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment