Politicizing the Constitution? Outstanding!

Recently fired U.S. Attorney Margaret Chiara included the following thought in a recently released email she wrote to Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty (who pulled the trigger on her firing, presumably for political reasons):

"I respectfully request that you reconsider the rationale of poor performance as the basis for my dismissal. It is in our mutual interest to retract this erroneous explanation while there is still time."

In his response, here's what McNulty wrote to Chiara:

"The word 'performance' obviously has not set well with you and your colleagues. By that word we only meant to convey that there were issues about policy, priorities and management/leadership that we felt were important to the department's effectiveness."

Oh! That's all you meant to convey? That her policies, priorities, management style and leadership abilities were poor? Why didn't you just say so!? I can't imagine why someone who's had a stellar judicial career would take offense to that definition of 'performance.' See, Margaret, by 'performance' they ONLY meant that you sucked. And that you really shouldn't feel too bad about it because they only meant you sucked in issues regarding policy, priorities, management and leadership. I'm sure that explanation satisfies her.

Politicizing the judicial system is the first and last step to losing our rights. We can't say we didn't see this coming. Now we just have to wonder what comes next. Anyone know the fashion trends of fascism? If so, let me know, since I want to be dressed to impress when my democratic liberties are stripped from me like a U.S. Attorney's dignity at the hands of this administration.

7:35 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Quintessential Entourage Drinking Game

This is an ever evolving game, so any suggestions are welcome. We've fined tuned this game through 20 episodes, and there's some tuning to be done. Have fun!

1. Arie offers to 'Hug it out.' – 5 Drinks
2. Any time anyone asks Vince for a favor of any kind – 1 drink
3. Drama cooks breakfast or dinner – 1 drink
4. Vince uses his fame to get laid or make out – 1 drink
5. Turtle wears any sports clothing – 1 drink for every piece (i.e. NYY hat + shirt = 2 drinks)
6. Any reference to the game of golf, either clubs in background or actual playing – 1 drink
7. Any cell phone call to/from Arie and to/from E – 1 drink
8. Any reference to Lloyd gayness or any Lloyd gay bashing – 1 drink
9. Any reference to Viking Quest – 2 drinks
10. Any character smokes pot – 1 drink

11:49 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Hole In One? Two If He Was Lucky...
Current mood: devious

TUSCAN, AZ, poolside:

True story from a company outing...

So this young couple, he in his swimsuit, she in her bikini, headed off to find a private area to play. They found a spot they deemed safe, tucked nicely behind a cactus. She dropped to her knees and he to his, and took her from behind. One glorious minute later they finished, pulled up their business and headed back to the pool for another margarita. If only they would have known they had an audience they might have put on a better performance. And if only they would have known they had an audience, they might have smiled for this picture. Can you see them? Look closer at the zoomed in version below the original pic...

12:16 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Fall Splendor Haiku
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry

The leaves fall gently

Like her head to the pillow

Her hair soft as silk

The leaves burn bright orange

The wet heat she feels swelling

His hand slowly slides

The wind blows the leaves

As she feels his breath between

The lips bring a moan

The harvest is here

Her back arches as she nears

His tongue dives deeper

The fall air is crisp

His tongue dancing on her clit

Sheet firm in her grip

Tree's leaves are missing

He tastes her sweet juice dripping

This fall feast is theirs

9:58 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m Naughty, But a Terrorist I Ain’t
Category: Travel and Places

To all my concerned friends, family, and countrymen, contrary to popular belief I am NOT a terrorist. Even though the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) would have you believe that I am, in fact, a deadly threat to the flying public, I am but a simple man from Grand Rapids.

I left from Detroit Metro on a Thursday as a good red-blooded patriotic American with no criminal record to speak of and purity in my heart. But four short days later, as I attempted to obtain my boarding pass at Los Angeles’ LAX airport, I discovered that I had been flagged by the TSA and the FBI as a suspected terrorist.

They even gave me a cute little photocopied memo to read – “As part of the security administered at airports, TSA prepares and maintains watch lists of persons who are known to pose, or are suspected of posing, a threat to civil aviation or national security.” GREAT! So as I’m reading this little love note, I ask,

“So I’m on some sort of list?”

“Ahhh, yes you are,” replied the cautious desk clerk as she picked up her yellow highlighter and began marking up a piece of paper.

I glanced down to see what she was scribbling and to my surprise I discovered it was in fact a list. Three names. Two were VERY Middle Eastern, and then mine. A VERY Irish name. I had only began to compile the possibilities of how I got myself on this list, or what the IRA had possibly done in Northern Ireland to get another lad with the same name on the list when my thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of some very angry looking gentlemen with even more angry looking machine guns.

“I’ll need your ID" the desk clerk told me. So I handed it over as she called the FBI. Yup, that’s right, the FBI. I guess she’s got a direct line to the feds. Which is good, I guess, considering they were already boarding my plane.

“Thank you very much. I’ll let them know,” she said. As she hung up the phone I was wondering who ‘they’ could be when she nodded to the ‘security’ behind me and they marched away. They didn’t even give me the pleasure of chanting ‘hut hut hut hut hut’ as they ran in unison out the door.

“You’re all set. Seat 11A,” and handed me my boarding pass.

“But..what about…”

“11A. Have a nice evening,” she interrupted before she turned away to help the next terrorist, er, I mean ‘customer.’

So as I’m walking to my gate I finish reading the TSA memo. It’s gonna take 45 days to get my name off this list!? 45 days of red tape and empty promises. So I wanted to send an update letting you guys know that even though I AM indeed on the list, hopefully within 45 days I’ll again be a good red-blooded patriotic American. And until then, please don’t shield your children from me. I’m not an animal! 

11:16 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Whatever!?
Category: Life

Whatever is a more than just a word. These days it’s a way of life. Whatever is everything, whatever you want it to be. Whatever you wish, you always will have. Whatever we do, we do so well. Whatever it is, whatever it means, whatever we need…what ever would we do without whatever it is we need so much? I know, whatever dude. I digress…

What a lot of people forget is that saying ‘whatever’ to whatever it is what’s his face is saying makes us complacent. It’s inescapable. Whatever rarely works, in my opinion. If someone is upset, they will often say, ‘whatever!’ However, whatever is nothing close to what they’re feeling. They are angry. They are upset. They are frustrated. Whatever it is that they are whatevering can hardly be summed up by these adverbs smashed together to create the end-all-be-all of indifference. Whatever, you say? What ever do you mean by that, I ask? Actually, you know what? Whatever…this is too hard. And what not.

10:59 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Summer Heat Haiku
Category: Writing and Poetry

The summer heat sticks

The unconditioned air helps

Her brow drip sweet sweat

With his lips he kissed

The unconditioned air swells

She tastes like a peach

The summer heats wet

To have and to love

To love the peach that awaits

12:17 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

The Mean Drunk
Category: Parties and Nightlife

So I know this girl. She’s a mean drunk. Meanest drunk I’ve ever seen. You may have seen her. She’s the girl who’s got the Sippy Cup of Wild Irish Rose always riding shotgun with her, peacefully resting in the cup holder of her cherry red El Camino. And when the Rose runs dry, she reaches for the travel mug of moonshine. Anyway, when I first saw her, she was at a stop sign on the corner of Prospect and Lyon. Actually, she was parked on top of the stop sign on the corner of Prospect and Lyon. Maybe it was this unique parking spot that attracted the attention of a local cop. When the good officer approached the Camino, she punched him in the nose, flipped off his partner, and tore ass down the block. And she was only buzzing! I next saw her an hour later on Wealthy Street. She must have been drunk by then because this bitter belle went out of her way to run over a puppy that was scampering across the street. Twice! Now, my friends, I don’t have you tell you that this is one dangerous diva, and not one to be trifled with. But apparently the young lad at the bar later that night would have found value in that advice.

His name is Steve. Well, it used to be. Now his name is dead. It’s a long story that can be summed up by saying that this cruel kitty cat with the malicious smile does not take kindly to stranger’s advances. Steve was warned by his friends that this voluptuous, yet venomous vixen had a reputation for beating up entire biker gangs after she’s had a bit too much of the drink, but Steve paid them no mind. She snatched out his eyeball with a rusty fork and tossed it in her martini, right next to the olive. Steve didn’t die from that. A few days later he was hit by a bus while trying to cross the street with one eye. But I digress…

So I say this to you all in an attempt to spare you from a fate like Steve’s: If you see this hostel lass hitting the hooch hard, do not make direct eye contact. Do not approach her. And for the love of all things sacred, do not talk to her. Just remember the fate of Steve, and move on. Some people just shouldn’t drink.

12:20 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

10 Simple Rules for Office Harmony
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

In no particular order, I just like numbered lists:

1. If you use the last of the sugar, for God’s sake man, replace it! There’s a cupboard right above your selfish head. In it? MORE SUGAR!

2. While it IS a community refrigerator, this does not mean you can store the year’s deer hunting kill in it for three months. It’s one thing to open up the freezer and find Hot Pockets. It’s an entirely different thing to open up the freezer and find Bambi’s mom processed into deerburger.

3. Microwave popcorn takes less than 4 minutes to pop to completion. You know this. You make it every day. Why do you have to burn it…every day!

4. If I’m typing, talking on the phone, or otherwise look focused, do not pop in to ask me if I caught the game last night. Of course I caught it! And even if I didn’t, does that change the outcome of the game? Go back to work!

5. My pens are not your pens. My books are not your books. By the way, I chew on all my pens and pee on all my books. Still want to steal them?

6. Before printing 10 copies of a 300 page document, ask if anyone needs to print anything first. And even if you don’t ask, don’t send it to print and forget about it for hours. Most copiers do not have room for 3000 sheets of paper. Refill or get the hell outta the way.

7. I’ve got a system. It’s MY system. It works for me. Don’t ask.

8. If a meeting is set to start at 3pm, and it says A.I.S. anywhere in the meeting notice, let me be the first to tell you that this means Ass In Seat. 3pm means 3pm, not 3:05.

9. Under no circumstances shall anyone schedule a meeting before 8:30am or after 4:30pm. Friday afternoon meetings are not encouraged. At any time. Ever.

10. Whenever possible, print on both sides of the paper. And after you’re finished with your document, recycle recycle recycle! The recycle box is the one right next to your trash can. You know, the one you use to hold your gym shoes?

3:48 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Random Thought of the Day
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

So this afternoon at work I went looking for our admin. An intelligent lass with all the potential in the world to do whatever this strong independent woman wishes to do. Anyway, so I was searching for her whereabouts when I found her outside - with the rest of the admins (all fine people, some of whom have brighter futures than others, but that’s beside the point). So when I go outside to the picnic table where they have set up shop for their much deserved break, I hear one executive’s name, then they see me, then the conversation abruptly stops. The woman who was doing the talking, well she had this look on her face that closely resembles the look my niece often gets when you catch her doing something wrong, but something cute at the same time. So in unison, all six turn and look my way. I smiled and sang this:

“Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little
Cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more”

Two of them got it and laughed. The others asked what was so funny.

“I’ll explain it later,” said Jen.

Who woulda thought that playing trombone in The Music Man all those years ago (yee gads, it was something like 15 years ago!) would have paid off so sweetly as it did today.

By the by, I was so proud of myself for remembering that song at such an opportune time that I forgot what I needed from the missing admin. So it goes.

12:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment