Zippo Lighters, classy or too expensive and you lose them all the time
Zippo lighters are the only lighters where you get to feel like a motorcycle bandit in an awful 50's action movie. You always think that you're going to spill a trail of gasoline and fling your zippo at it and poof. Bubba-Ho Tep has a great scene where an old Elvis throws a zippo and burns a redneck mummy right after the mummy kills his best friend, JFK with a sandbag in his head.
But that never happens. All that happens is you lose the fucking thing, and kick yourself for paying twenty dollars for a lighter, when all around you there are 100% free lighters in your house. But those lighters are for poor people. When I smoke I have to look like I invested time and money. Paying for overpriced and overtaxed cigarettes makes you look like an old 1880's hobo with a dusty top hat with holes in it. You can't just use the free lighter that came with the pack, that is for unintelligent peons.
Zippo's are the cheapest high class lighter on the market. They're available everywhere, you have the fill the fucking thing every week with fluid, then worry that you might start yourself on fire for the first test smoke. Smoking is an activity for people who don't want to talk with people. It's great to know you can exit a conversation with, "Ama go smoke". But with this fucking lighter, you get to show your status and power outside. "Wow, is that a zippo with Darth Vader on it?! You sir, are an aristocrat, and man of honor".
Smokers should be left alone. The people who smoke die, so you won't have to see them for an entire year. We stimulate the economy because we keep buying because we are addicted. We don't bother anybody because we hate people, and we buy overpriced lighters with artwork on it, so that helps out the starving artists.
Zippo new slogan "Zippo lighters, you will lose this within a month, but the few moments where you hear those words of encouragement in the smokers circle will make you want to kill yourself within a week. So you're still cool."
This is a great day today. A man I once laughed so hard at in a shitty club on the south side about 2 years ago was resurrected one night at Phyllis's. So yesterday my friend calls me up and tells me "Guess who's here... you gotta come down here. Get your video camera". Now I had three people in mind. 1. Barack Obama (who gives a fuck) 2. Howlin" Mad Murdock from the A-Team(I would have shit my pants) and 3. Russ the Jew. Now if any celebrity was going to be there, I wouldn't give a fuck, but this was Russ and I was excited and a little nervous to see this man who brought me and my friend such joy. A good quote is from Danny on that night we saw him "I don't know who this is, but he's the funniest mother-fucker I ever saw".
So I had to arrive and take pictures, and a video of his performance. This is something I threw together. I apologize for the bad lighting.
Although, this wasn't the same Russ as that one golden night, he still is the greatest individual of all times. And he can headline any show I do forever. Peace
I have a rule when I post a blog. Number 1. Always post while drunk or inebriated in some way. And Number 2. Say whats on your mind.
When you drink, talk to friends, or get home and think drunkenly for an hour. You begin to dwell on you own life and try to find a purpose. What is the purpose of you? And why are you doing this?
The answer is very simple and cannot be disputed. Life is all about enjoyment and entertainment. Whether it be, in my case, creepily hitting on a woman or a piece of chocolate cake that you'd kill for. But the question that always comes in my mind is what's this all about? There is no complicated answer, the answer is very simple and to the point. Cumming.
Now you might say, "Hey, but I have a great career in whatever bullshit". Nope. You definitely do not like that. The one reason you're here is because eventually you will come. Whether it be you on the couch fooling about, laughing your ass off at a yuppie guy with a mohawk and glasses, or throwing a water balloon at a cop car. That's it.
Andrew "Dice" Clay, possibly the only comedian with over 1,000 cum in the face jokes, and is generally a laughing stock, only talks about this subject. He sits down and thinks "Hey, time to write jokes, ok, now how to I make a punchline about cumming in a girls face for a half and hour, I think I can stretch that". To the layman, this seems easy, mechanical, and doesn't take any thought. And you would be right. However, look at this dude as a sort of a special cousin. Not too smart, and can't do any math, but for some reason, that retarded cousin of yours and you share the same passion of enjoyment. We are all connected in cumming. The birthday party or the moment when you take a wacked out broad to your cellar. That moment of enjoyment when you watch a big-hipped healthy gal walk past you, and you stare at that ass of delight. That's all you got, so enjoy it.
Personally, I like a person not really caring about what people think of them, because that's not what it's about. Dice, an idiot and unintelligent person has made a career out of the same passion that connects us. So just remember the dice route. It's a one way street of happiness. The one place you can go to, and meet your soul. And I'm talking about, of course, cumming in a woman's face.
The rest, my friend, is chaos. The only sanity is wet jizz drying in long blond hair.
This is a laughing tribute to the late comedian Andy "Dice" Clay. May you rest in peace you bald-headed jew you.
People voiced their opinions and Barack won. Once again, we had the choice of two less evils, and even though most of the people who voted didn't seem to know any policies of either of these candidates, or care for that matter, they at least did not elect McCain. Every four years it's the same shit, and I didn't do it this time.
I stood in line at 6AM in the morning at the polling place wondering why I'm voting. I wasn't voting for either of the selected two candidates. I was voting for someone nobody ever heard of, and Barack was going to win Illinois anyway. There were these blue fliers people passed out, telling you exactly who to vote for in case you were wondering who to vote for and couldn't decide. "Oh, the old Puerto Rican man passing out the blue pieces of paper, Holy shit, thank God, now I know who to vote for, whew. That's a load off my mind." I didn't care. But i'm proud I didn't vote for McCain or Obama. I did feel American, but I might as well have gotten a Korean ballot, that way I couldn't tell which shit lever I pulled.
The one thing that made me come to this staunch realization of all of this was this 40 year old Ukrainian lady wearing a dirty yellow thong. It was dirty, it was smelly, and it made me smile because that's exactly how I felt voting. Nobody saw of smelled the thong, they just saw the ballots being passed out by her that had an odd odor.
Americans did at least know that Obama was a little better than McCain. I think that's what America is all about. Here's my chart.
Diarrhea meter: McCain 100 Barack 99 Average ignorant American 120,000,000
I've been living in Chicago my whole life and have recently been told that a hipster is not a yuppie. Living where I grew up, there were Puerto-ricans, Hillbillies, Polish, Ukranian, Mexican, Black, and any other white person was considered a yuppie. My qualifications for a yuppie were always that they were these assholes who move from some Godforsaken small town. Didn't have a redneck accent, and had no idea how fucked up everything really is...
Let's break this down by the stereotypes that I heard. Hipsters: Wear tight pants, no money, are in a band, is an actor, artist, have strong political opinions, live with their girlfriends, don't wash themselves.
Yuppies: Person in their 30's, gets a good paycheck, lives in a condo, goes out to see bands, takes a cab everywhere, marries a fat slob, smiles like an idiot.
Since I always look into the future, my theory has always been that the Hippies back in the 60's turned out to be yuppies, with jobs and a family. So, if we look at the progression. These potheads, that were broke, were in a band, love not war, and all that crap turned into office workers, with families, and what you might call bland productive members of society.
What they say we have now is hipsters, which i believe are these kids, who get help from their parents, go to college, seem pretty educated and will eventually be manager of Kinko's or something. So if my theory is correct, todays hipsters are tomorrow's yuppies. Therefore, by a logical stand-point a hipster is just a yuppie tadpole waiting to sprout yuppie fuck legs.
Don't be fooled. I've researched this subject for nearly 15 minutes, so I know what I'm talking about.
And although the confusion has almost been wiped clean, the facts remains that we all still hate these yuppie fucks from where ever the fuck. And that's what makes us human.
I went to some gas station near Romeoville today, while I was there, I had the unpleasant experience tasting these new slim jims they had. I like slim jims because it's room temperature meat that can be sold at a gas station without arousing suspicion from anyone. However, this time I became very suspicious. These things had a new wrapper, and tasted like sun-dried fatty human flesh. The kind when those people whose plane crashed in brasil had to feast on. Surprisingly, that's the only appropriate time to eat human flesh without anybody looking at you weird. My face was greasy, my stomach was rumbling with discomfort, and I spat it out while I was driving. So, I decided to call the slim jim complaint hotline. 800-242-6200 . Of course, it was busy, so I left a message. "These new slim jims taste like stray rat meat, and I'll never buy your room temperature meat ever again in any gas station ever. You let me down slim jim. I just won't be able to snap into a slim jim ever again". I think I made my point.
Other raw meats I'll eat. Tartar, which is raw beef spiced up that you put on sandwiches. And I once ate a green banana. It wasn't good, but I proved a point to my sister. It was ready to eat.
As Comedians or if you're just a regular youtube watcher, you've heard about Denis Leary ripping off Bill Hicks or maybe Dane Cook ripping off Louis CK, and the whole Carlos Mencia/Joe Rogan thing. But nobody ever talks about how many comedians rip off the great Judy Tenuta. Tenuta, born in Oak Park, which is a suburb of Chicago, has possibly one of the best albums in the history of comedy. I'm talking, of course, about 1999's UnButtPlugged. It's just hard to see so many comedians, even men, going on stage with accordions and calling people pigs. It's weird because the guys playing the accordion usually call the woman "pigcunts" instead of just pigs. Now I know that pigcunt isn't the same as pigs, but it's very similar. Then the whole dressing in angelic costumes while wearing a flower on them. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Don't rip off someone's comedic costume and persona, too. It makes my intestines growl with fury.
We've all heard of the famous nipple clamp bit. Now, I'm not naming any names, but every accordion comedian does that bit. You're probably saying, now Junior, that's just a bit almost every accordion comedian does because it is so general. Well, let me tell you something you cretin. That is Tenuta's bit and anybody who copies that bit deserves crucifixion, the kind where they break both your legs, and people watch you in humiliation, and wait for the crows to eat your body. Which is kind of what stand up is like for many people on stage in Chicago anyway.
So, you stop it Sally, Yeshiva, and Dracula Scarface (a south side comedian). You're better than that, although Dracula Scarface does substitute a glass harmonica in place of the accordion sometimes. And Yeshiva does sometimes call men sperm receptacles instead of pigs on occasion, but always with the accordion. Shame...shame.
Horrible or touchy topics are very hard to make funny, but that's the challenge of being a comedian. Here's some things that's very hard to create into a joke.
1 Throwing a midget down a flight of stairs 2 69ing a two-headed person with a no-headed person 3 Making fun of non-white people 4 Giving head after a hysterectomy 5 Diarrhea Diorama 6 Morgan Freeman 7 Holocaust Pizza Parlor 8 An all in one gay, black, mexican, arab, jewish woman 9 Chinese Charbroiled Slaves 10 Baby Kittens
If you ever see anyone talk about this, please write a blog, so everyone in the world could see just how you feel. Everyone will read it and rejoice that such a brave individual can sit at a computer on an early Sunday, while eating day old pizza, and change the world.
In Ohio, every year, 39,000 people die of corn accidents every day. That's why I get so upset every time I go out to a stand-up show to see all these people doing corn jokes. After I got off stage the female comedian said "I'd corn hole him". Unacceptable. My friend was severely hurt when during a routine corn gathering, he was cornholed when the tracker span out of control. The doctor says he'll have husks inside him for a long time.
There was this guy named popcorn Willy. Every day he'd eat only popcorn because he was so scared of regular corn that he'd never go to the fruit market. He'd call me up "Junes, sometimes I wish I was still cornhusker Willy instead of this faggotty ass popcorn Willy". Then he'd take the discarded popcorn kernels and whip it at a stray cat. Popcorn Willy was last seen at the movie "Dark Knight" and was never seen again. Probably because I left him there, I had to, he had fake butter flavoring all over him, and I can't have that in my motocycle sidecar.
Now stools, forget the seperate meaning of stool for a second (it's shit). Did you know there are over one thousand deaths a year die from stool accidents? Yet every time I see a stool and the comedian putting his drink or notes on it, I feel disgusted. My baby kitten, little Junior, died trying to get to me to say he loved me. It was a dark night. I'd just got home, I hear a very gentle "Junior...meoow..this is little Junior...". Being so excited I looked everywhere around the house, and being so exhausted, I sat down and smashed him. Damn you stool!!!!!!!!!
