ramble oh ramble

I'm on the verge of STRESS OVERLOAD.

it seems my nerves are SHOT, lol, I feel anxiety prone, and a tad OCD.

MUST MEAN ITS NEAR THE END OF THE SEMESTER.

adding to that my position as MANAGER, its like not ever having a real day off from work ever! its stressfull at times, usually when im stressed out at school. I barely have time for homework and to study and it seems someone always calls in sick during my little free time, or some kind of minor or major things happens that needs my attention. maybe i just suck as being a manager.

its so hard to find a balance between my 5 classes and managing the shop, and trying to have a family life, and a personal life (thats seems non-existent)

I keep telling myself that I will be glad I did it all soon enough :/ lets hope, right.

in good news, I already took my Statistics final early and passed the class with an A. I have a B in psych and don't have to take the final! so excited! but I still have to do a book report and presentation....blah.

yoga, well I hope I have a B, I have missed 4 classes, and I think u can only miss 3, so lets see what happens.

And career counsling, I'm a little behind, but I think I can make it up! I hope so :P sigh..........

yay for venting!

5:48 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

why

Am i awake? am I procrastinating from life, from sleep? lol..."mayhaps" or perhaps.

My cat is laying next to me with droopy eyes looking at me like why the fuck arnt u asleep. yet sadly so I am awake.

maybe I am too bored to sleep.

maybe its more, maybe I am to unwilling to go and face my bed alone in the quiet, perhaps my mind simply knows it is not ready to face my thoughts just for tonight.

I am not perfect, I don't claim to be, I may not love perfectly, and I am not loved perfectly, but some say its the unperfect thats perfect.

I may not know all that i want from life, but i do know i have lots to give to life, to lives.

9:58 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

just thinking

about all the people that have come and gone or stayed in my life. theres parts of all of them i enjoyed and parts of some of them that wasn't so enjoyable.....Sometimes I wonder why such ppl r drawn to me or even why I am drawn to them.

its funny how life the farther a long it gets the more u realize most of the things that u wanted to happen because you thought they might be the change u need only lead to more chaos and less to peace.

I look back in on life and realize I've been on this revolving path, spirel down hill, rolling into a larger and large mess of madness, hoping that by waiting it out it just might go away, all awhile its just getting worst. Hiding ur head in the sand doesnt change what happens, it just makes u blind to it.

keeping urself so busy that u forget how to not be busy is not the key to life, doing everything beause u think theres no reason to not do everything is not healthy, you do not gain anything from trying to do and be everything.

when i used to think " what are ppl talking about when they say things like knowing the answers to lifes quetions" now i think, "what are lifes questions" are we all here living in our own world, writing or own narrative along our skulls, through our appearance, and interactions. Do i create what is around me, am i really no better, no worse, than the company I keep? when do I know enough is enough?

how do i stop holding on to what was so good, and realize it wont ever happen again, and maybe after all, didn't really happen in the first place.

7:35 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I posted this as a comment, but felt it needed blog space.

Today I felt for the first time in a long time that i was in the middle of injustice. If prop8 passes, my rights to marry will be taken away....How can they give me a right and then take it away? How is that American? how is that right! I mean think about it, thats like all of sudden womens right to vote being taken away, like "oops" we don't want u to vote anymore. ugh i could go on, but i shouldn't ramble on ur blog. :(

6:06 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

blah rambles

What is life, a life, this life, my life.....what is it. am i coming to a point were im searching for a higher deeper meaning.....no....

why is it so easy for me to believe what ppl tell me, or how they make me feel, why is it so hard to believe in my own thoughts and feelings more....shadows and spoken words always seem to float around me, surrounding me, overtaking my mind and draging me deeper into this hole, this hole that is so large that by now its not even a fucking hole, its life.

why do i see the world with my glass half empty and nothing is ever good enough.

if what they say about love is that you can't love or feel loved without loving urself first is true then I am real fucked in that department. why don't they teach you in school how to love yourself, because i think i would have found that extremely helpful.

why is ice cream so damn good.

and alcohol...

how dare you compare me to my father, how fucking dare u.

and you, yes you, where do you get off talking down to me, treating me like a piece of shit because i dont live my life and talk to you or act towards u the way u think i should, how dare you make me feel like shit for loving you. how dare you be so damn stubborn that you let go of something great, u let me go, or maybe i just thought u had me, but really u didnt, so really you didnt let me go. i doubt you'd even read this and if you do ur probably mad at me. i love you so much sometimes that i dont trust u, because do u know how fucking scary it is to love someone with most of ur heart and how vulnerable that makes someone, how dare you blame me for not trusting u with my heart, have u earned it? how dare me say i love, what the fuck is love, not sure i believe that shit anymore

what is love, what is life, what the fuck is my love life, nothingness with a side of potato chips, i hate chips, ew.

4:52 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

i dunnno anymore

can you just shoot me and get it over with.

why is everything in my life so fucked up fright now............feels like no ones honest with me, i feel like i cant trust anything or feel relaxed and content. wtf...idk.

6:03 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

LA, only not at all about LA

Life is interesting, lik ea roller coaster with its ups and downs.

it seems im having a difficult day, so i'll write.

sometimes i feel trapt inside myself, as if i've given up on letting ppl in my life, on talking about things i go thru, i just keep it in lately.

I feel less confident then i have in SO long...i've gotten closer to be what i wanted, but this is unfamilar, why is it so hard for me to embrace the good in changes ive made, but rahter freak out at the new-ness?

it seems its easier to become passive rather the fight, i cant handle fighting right now, but im stubborn as hell.

ive let defferent relationships in my life disappear, fade away or even just turn sour...i dont feel a bond or connection with anyone, i always thought to be successful and independent you only need urself, but ive realized how mistaken i was.

i cant or maybe dont even love anymore, how can such strong feelings for someone just go away? why am i so fucked up in that regard. i mean i know i love her, but i dont feel it, maybe its all the pushing and drama, maybe its too much and i just shut down. sucks, cant talk about it, she doenst like when i get emo, why is communication so hard sometimes.

i miss her laugh, and jokes, but mostly i miss her voice the way it was when she wanted me in her life. when i knew i made her happy...losing that just makes everything go away.

more later..blah.

5:58 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

maddness

Monday: Work 8:30-1, Pysch of Adjust.2-4:50, Astronomy 7-9:50

Tuesday: Work 8:30-4, Yoga 4:30-5:50, sept. 2nd Statistics 6:30-8:35

Wednesday: Work 8:30-4:30, Couns. Col. 6:30-8:50

Thursday: Work 8:30-4, Yoga 4:30-5:50, sept. 2nd Statistics 6:30-8:35

Friday: Work 8:30-4:30

Saturday: Work 10-2

Sunday: OFF

when will i have time for homework?? lol grr

LET THE MADDNESS BEGIN AGAIN.

welcome back to school ppl.

2:27 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I have a secret

only i'm sure its more obvious then i care to admit. but it makes me super sigh when i know u hang out with him. maybe its because he hates me for no good reason. whatve, right. i mean, i shouldnt even be admiting this, and it might make me look creepy. or jealous for that matter...but i dont give a damn. i'm me.

I'm drinking RC, infact I've had one and a half already today, wth. lol. i'll be awake all night.

Sometimes i really miss caitlin, i loved that crazy lady in missouri. SHe is such an amazing artist and person. I think a part of mr will always love her.

I am currently and forever addicted to Tegan and Sara's version of "DANCING IN THE DARK" by bruce springsteen, youtube it, its amazing.

my cat is laying on our chair in the cutest way, its makes me smile.

Where did the good go?

"I get up in the evening and i ain't got nothing to say, I come ome in the morning, i go to bed feeling the same way, i aint nothing but tired, hey there baby i could use just a little help" ..."can't start a firer sitting around crying over a broken heart, this gun is for hirer even if we're just dancing in the dark"

tegan and sara love.

3:40 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Things I’ve come to accept

while in Tahoe I have done so much thinking. but really when havn't I? lol.

1. I realized some of the coolest ppl I know I have fallen out of touch with..Missi, Sharon, Jesika, Megan, Mayra..etc...

2. I realized I need to stop ignoring my phone, and my friends, and make time in my life so i don't lose these ppl.

3. I have realized that some ppl I know can be really fake.

4. I have realized Friends can't hurt u rworse then enemies, even with a simple laughter, I have never felt so uncomfortable around friends.

5. I have realized that what I want in life is a family, whatever type that might be.

6. I have realized I am more then my job, more then a student and more then a family member.

7. I have realized, I can't wait to live out the rest of my life.

8. tahoe is the mother fucking hugest lake ever.

9. I can't expect ppl to like me just because i havnt given them a reason not to like me

10. i have realized, i have a lot to still realize.

10:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

:/

sometimes i just want to scream to the world "whats wrong with me"....why does it feel i can do nothing right...nothing...

i havnt ever in life felt so blah, nothing seems right.

i barely talk to my friends, i avoid phone calls, dont have the mental energy.

all i do is come home, and sit alone, sometimes i brush my cat, sometimes i cry, sometimes i surf the net...sometimes u can find me shopping at walmart until midnight, walking down every single row twice, yet still finding no crap to buy.

what void am i trying to fill.....why am i nearly 23 and i have nothing but hatred for myself...i write this not in pitty, in honesty, there is not one thing i like about myself...not one thing i can't find something wrong with, and i want to know why...and better yet, these things hold me back, i walk with my head down, i try not to be seen, i assume the worst always, i feel like i cant do anything right...im my own prisoner...tell me why i made it this way.

i have currently, hands down, successfully pushed everyone away...and i dont know what to do...when i drive to work, i daydream about what would happen if i drove into the river or hit a wall...then i think how i shouldnt be feeling this way, but i do..and then if i tell someone, they will just think im looking for attention, and im not...

i feel like the kids at work dont respect me, i get so much attitude sometimes, and im like damn, im not that bad of a manager.

i feel so trapt, in everyway you can imagine...and i just want it to stop.

6:22 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

oh rambles

At last,...lately i cant help but feel my life is meaningless....i always thought living to help others, isnt supposed to feel like this, this meaningless life.

I can't help but loss myself on drives home, i try to escape everything, i try with all my might to live for me in that short drive home.

i've become bad at returning phone calls, and rather non-pro-active at seeing friends....its simply seems taht for sooo long, i cared so much, that some how, some way, my care ran out.

all i want to do is be alone, i dont have the drive to even tell sharon my random stories. im on auto pilot, but y?

hell, im not even looking forward to going back to school, argh. stress.

i need change, perhaps a shaved head? and new tattoo? peircing?....new chucks?

idk

i feel low and down, and all i want to do is stay home and brush mia my cat...she makes me smile..hahaha!

it seems i have been holding way too much inside and its causing maddness...lol..i may become insane any second.

and girls...dont even get me started...sigh.

idk...

ponder...when one chooses the easy way out, doesnt take the risk, just says no, is that when the fear of failure out weighs the desire to succeed?

6:31 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

goodbye <3

I hate when ur not ready to give up but u have no choice.

I hate when u realize somethings you ve done were so stupid.

i could give u a million reasons, why i say what i say, why i act how i act, but nothing will change what is done, nor make it better.

maybe this was supposed to be a learning experience, but it sucks that its at the expense of losing an amazing person from my life.

no one i've dated before has made me, laugh, feel, , care, and be crazy like that b4.

i wanted to learn everything about u, and thought in time we would work out or differences. but i understand who wants to go thru maddness for something they are uncertain of.

i have learnt not to expect anything from ppl, and im trying to learn not to assume.

a secret; i trusted u, no guilt implied, just those who know me know i don't do that often.

so as i sit here upset, sad, trying not to cry, unable to slep, because i know what i lost and u so easily walk away, know as much as u hate hearing it, i miss u. and as much as u hate me asking, i hope ur ok.

life is too short to live unhappy, and that is what i make u.

i'm excited for you, i know when u meet the right girl for u, it will be amazing and i will miss u a bit more.

im so tired of turning every relationship into this, lesson learned, cant do this again.

1:47 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

No wonder

im such a fucking mess.

note to self, run next time.

im tired of disappointing ppl and myself.

i suck.

1:47 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Can’t

Sleep because i dont want to wake up and go thru tomorrow, someone tell me how to like fast forward to like a month from now? ...

its SO for the best. its sad tho, like losing someone u really like, and at the same time losing a friend, all in one.

not to mention the sex was good.

we dont see eye to eye, and for long distance thats so bad.

roll with the punches, i can only be me, and one day someone will appreciate who i am, and who i am wont bug them. thats life.

and actually, i really really really dont ever want to date again. im so over this, seriously, so over it. it took me SO much to open up this time and i just cant do it again.

im sorry for missing u

im sorry for wanting to hear random thoughts and secrets about ur life

im sorry for asking u whats wrong.

im just sorry im not what u want.

time wasted.

lessons learned.

saddness, haha, everything i didnt want it all thats left. you cant erase me from urself,  even tho u have deleted everything regarding us. im still here.

i hope ur happy, i mean that. i really do. live life with no regrets.

i cant be what u want, i just think i was the first person to come close to what u want, but not all of me is what ur looking for, only parts.

argh, i wish u hadnt come out, cuz then i wouldnt know what i was missing.

but what does it matter now.

1:41 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment