Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 41
Sign: Aquarius
City: Rancho Cucamonga
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date:
11/16/04
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Blog Archive
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May 7, 2008 - Wednesday
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My baby Girl Ash wrote this, its GREAT!!
Current mood:  pleased
Category: Writing and Poetry
My daughter writes like me, she just wrote this and i loved it wanted to share it!! Let he rknwo what ya think!!
He never believed
Someone could open him up
Like she did
Her.
The beautiful one
With the good heart
He was grateful
Believe it was too good
To be true
Comparisons
Of beauty and the beast
Come from others
He knew he was lucky
He was sure she was the one
He loved her
Every inch
Fingertips
Hair
Lips
To him she was perfection
She, patient with all his needs
His wit kept her infatuation
Him still being scarred from the past
She holding on to the last smile
A last hope
To make it something real
Tired of holding him
And his needs
Felt alone
With no one to hold her
It was over
Flames of lust
Ending in tragic
The beginning of love
Gone to the wind
In panic he closed once again
Pleading for her to stay
Her leaving him with nothing
But emptiness
She wept
For the death of another
Teenage love story
Moving on
She left behind
Another boy
With A broken heart
©Ashleigh Short2008
7:07 PM
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9 Comments - 8 Kudos
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April 22, 2008 - Tuesday
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Despair.....
Current mood:  calm
Category: Writing and Poetry
Lost in the depths of despair
I blindly stumble along.
My heart feels too heavy to care
And my voice to dull to sing a song.
The whole universe pivots on a scream,
On a rushing sweep of passion,
The search for a heartbeat,
The giving of breath,
The hoping, the weeping, the terror.
Twist and turns of life
Are very slow or very harsh
Often choke and stifle us
Like a bog or like a marsh.
Body and soul die from within
Full of hurt and full of fear
You try to shout with all you might
But does no-one really hear?
The hurtful soul unravels
So fast and oh so deep
The hurt and tortured body
Cries "No please just let me sleep"
The golden light of pure salvation
Cuts through the anger like a knife
Enter into the golden orbs
And be free of all life's strife
©Tam2008
11:35 PM
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3 Comments - 2 Kudos
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April 17, 2008 - Thursday
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Ectasy
Current mood:  exotic
Category: Romance and Relationships
What you've got
Is what I want
What I see is all I need
Blanket me in Ecstasy
Eager to feel your warmth
burning deep inside of me
fill me with your love
Lay me down
In a bed of fire...
Scorch me,
Sear me,
With desire
Pleasure grasps me from deep within
Silence - breathing - approval - harmony
Where does this all begin?
Encase me
In your arms
Feast Upon my surrendered charms
what a rush
as we play in the dark
this huge bonfire of lust
all from one spark
Reaching up into silken folds
Feeling liquid desire explode
Convulsing with orgasmic delights
until covered in sweet delicious exploding flight.
©Tam2008
2:45 AM
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6 Comments - 10 Kudos
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April 15, 2008 - Tuesday
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The Ride
Current mood:  naughty
Category: Writing and Poetry
She,
a nocturnal nymph
rode a broom ...
crooked...
hard
ever looming
a stubborn serpent
Driven she
by impulse,
possessed it.
it dips..
dives
a serpent resurfacing
She rode below,
it slithered above
whatever she believed
mattered not
deceived not.
She loved the ride,
the ride loved her
11:39 PM
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7 Comments - 5 Kudos
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March 31, 2008 - Monday
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This and that..........
Current mood:  crappy
Category: Life
Well life has been somewhat better these last two weeks since I last wrote. Though I did learn another friend passed away! (two in two weeks!) I had not talked to him in awhile, and just happened to go to his myspace and someone noted on it he had passed away in Dec.!!! I never knew any of his family or friends, so I really can not find out what happened. I was not REAL close to him, just friends, but still was very sad, we shared few laughs through the years. Made me think though there are a few people who I would never know if something like that happened too, because I don’t know any of their friends or family, so they would not know to let me know if anything happened. One person i particular I am very close to comes to mind and it scares me and make me sad that if something happened to him I could not be there for him, oh worst case he died and I would never know he would just disappear :-( That would hurt me to my core..................I bet you know who you are if you read this. (if u even read my blogs ha ha) Then so many online friends we may never know if something happens to them. My kids and niece know that if something real serious happens, to come on and email a few people. My daughter knows all my passwords, she would leave a bulletin for everyone.
Two of my best friends are going through health scares now also. So I worry about them. I thought I mentioned this in my last blog, I know I did, but myspace must have ate it or something in the post!! But my friend Mary has been really sick for several weeks and in a lot of pain. They suspect one of her kidneys are failing and she may need it removed :-( So I been worried like a dog about her. I hope I am a match for her though if it ever came to worse case and she needed a kidney, I would be first in line to give it to her, no hesitation!! She goes to the docs today so we may have more answers soon.
My BFF Monique (who just FINALLY joined myspace, welcome sis!! lol) Found a lump in her breast. So she is having that checked out, but all the test and waiting for appointments ect takes time, so the waiting is the killer!! It could be nothing and in my heart I know it is. But when a woman finds a lump on her breast, its pretty dang scary!!
So I have been worried about them a lot, taking a lot of alone time to pray for them, with many tears of fear!! They both have a piece of my heart. I would do anything for them and the thought of anything bad happening to them is just horrible. I am a VERY strong person, but there are a few people I know i will "lose it" for awhile if I lost and they are two of them. I know in my hearts of heart that they will be OK though. If any of you pray, id appreciate you adding them to them though.
At the moment I am in EXTREME pain myself. Same old "spinal cord injury" as it been termed lately. Still do not have a final diagnose. I am switching doctors I think. This one I really liked, he has great "bedside manners" he doesn’t treat you like a number or a object on an assembly line he hurries and rushes in and out. But, he is dragging his feet in getting approval for a few things. Its been like 3 months and he still has not gotten approval for me to have an MRI. We need that to send me on a consult with an ortho surgeon. Plus he will not give me the drugs I need for when I am in this extreme pain. Its frustrating. I understand where he is coming from, I am immune to most pain killers for some reason, so I need the "good stuff" lol ( i think i took so many different ones when i had cancer i got immune) He doesn’t prescribe it because its addicting. I do not have an addicting personality. Heck I don’t take anything until I am doubled over in fetal position in pain. I have a very high pain tolerance, but at times this knocks me off my feet!! The last 6 months it has kicked into a higher gear. I have been bed ridden often. I am in pain 24/7 now, I don’t let it phase me no more, I am not going to let it keep me down or from living. Though I think I over did it at the beach last week and paying for it now ha ha. But whatever I wont be beaten!!
On to the better news of the last two weeks now lol We had a lovely Easter. Our family Easter gathering was canceled because some were ill. That was big bummer, but we are doing it this Sunday so I am happy. We decided to spend Easter at the beach. It was an AWESOME day!! On the drive home all the kids kept saying what a "bomb" day it was!! It has been too long since we had went. We did not make it to the beach last summer, which is rare for us. But due to circumstances just didn’t make it. We played together in the water. OMGosh the water has not heated up yet, it was SOOOOO flippen COLD!! Once we were out there for half an hour things started getting numb, LOL We laughed and chatted and just really enjoyed each other company. I made the bomb picnic. I always do though ha ha ha ha ha I cant make just a little spread, I always go all out. I love to feed people!!! lol So I always make sure there is way too much, it just appalling to think there might not be enough!! Left overs are good too!! I am still smiling from my memories of the day, it was an awesome family day. We needed it, it been awhile since we got out. I am sooooo happy warm weather is here too. I am so ready to go camping again!! I even got my freezer full of meat I been buying slowly and stocking up on, so I dont have to buy all the food at once and it cost a fortune lol Anyway, that def made the last few weeks good!! I posted lots of pics, it you want to look! Oh and one of the pics I took is totally kewl!! I love to take pics and I will do alot for a good shot, this one i could have ruined my cam (actually Chris cam hee hee, i need one mine broke i am dying for another good one!!) I bent down near a rock and I wanted to get pic of the splash of the waves on it. I had to move the cam in a split second!! I know i have ral quick reflects so I wasn’t worried. but then it not being my cam of course I was worried at the chance I took lol Id do it again in a heartbeat though, it turned out good!!
I made a new friend sort of these last few weeks too. I say "sort of" Because I have known her for 2 and a half years. She is Chris’s sister in law (Jamie, she on my top friends) But we never really got to know each other. Just pretty much the cordial "hi, how are you" and small talk. We started talking here on myspace and it just was like opening a floodgate! We talked and talked and talked!! lol We went to the park, with her son Caleb and my Nathan. There is pic of that too i posted. Then a few days ago she came over and we went to the Jacuzzi and had mudslides and girl talk!!! for FOUR hours, we were prunes!! lol Then came back in and had our mutual fav ice cream!! (rocky road!!) Actually we had mint and chip and cookie dough ice cream too ha ha Oink oink!! hee hee We have learned we have alot in common though. She is easy to talk too and I am really enjoying the new friendship. It is nice too because all my closest friends do not live around here, so nice to have a friend close to home to hang with! I will look forward to that friendship growing even more :-)
I have been doing a lot of writing lately, which makes me happy, I love writing!! I do have to add though, that when I write, often it isn’t of current things. Sometimes it isn’t even about me at all!! Sometimes i did deep into the past and take myself back to feelings I had then and write about it. Other times I write from what I feel from other people. Like a good friend confides in me and I can feel their emotions and write about the experience. One friend last week told me she woke up in the middle of the night and happened to come onto myspace and cried because she woke up because she was feeling EXACTLY what I wrote about and she just happened to go and read it at same time!! That was pretty kewl!! Not that she was crying, but that I was writing and posting it as she was feeling it! Anyway, i wanted to add that because I know a lot of my stuff is sad and people think I am so sad now. I am not really, I mean sure i have my moments, there are things in my life that are just not quite right. But over all I am a happy person and doing OK. But thanks for the concerns for those of you who asked :)
I don’t think I mentioned, i got two new babies!! two kitties!! Was only suppose to get one, but the shelter had a "buy one get one free" deal haha ha How can i resist saving TWO from the shelter if I can? One is an adorable little 4 month old all black kitty. She is a frisky little thing , but total lover too. We have not named her yet ha ha Can not come up with a name we all like. I call him "Lil’Shit" lol But cant name him that because of all the little kids in family lol So that’s his nick name, got to find a proper name for him. We looked at all names for black cats but they all seem so common, i DONT like common names lol The other cat is about a year old. He is mostly black with white paws and chest. The girls named him "sketch" because he is black and white like a sketch. I agreed to that cuz its original :) Sketch also had a stump tail, that’s what attracted us to him, because our Roxii had a corkscrew stump tail when she was born! The pups LOVE the little black kitty. He was never afraid of them, just walked right up to them and let them lick her to death lol She is their baby now. We got to watch it though cause they do not realize how much bigger they are then him and Roxii likes to put her arms around him and her paw is as big as his face lol Now Sketch that is another story, her totally FREAKS out when dogs come by him and hisses and claws at them BIG TIME! So of course that makes dogs mad and they growl at him. They have not attacked or hurt him, and trust me they could if they wanted too. but they ain’t loving him like the baby kitty ha ha So :::: sigh :::: it going to take time to get Sketch to get at ease with the dogs. He just stays upstairs when the dogs are in the house. We have a gate to keep dogs downstairs so that works and when we bring them upstairs with us for the night sketch has a few shelves he hops up on lol I tell ya I need a house with acreage, as much as i love animals ha ha ha Naww I do know my limits lol
Awwwww my day was just totally made!! As i type this i got a text from Nathan. They have been at their dads for the last 5 days. It says "hey mom, i love you good morning i miss you i want to come home" What a great way to start my day!! My kids are such awesome kids!! I did something right!
Oh another great moment of the last few weeks. Ashleigh was upset about something (not going to say what its personal) When she gets at a certain stage, nothing can get her out of it. She was upset and kept crying. Her friend told me she was upset. I let her go for awhile give her her space first. But it lasted awhile and was told again she was still upset. So I went into her room and she hid her face from me. She was laying on the floor so i laid next to her. She moved away, so i moved next to her again. Then she crawls under the bed!! Oi Vey!! lol So i crawled under the bed with her and kept bumping her a bit. Then i started humming "Grease" tunes!! She nudge me, like "stop mom" and made a little groaning sound ha ha So i hummed louder and more exaggerated. She nudges me again and i just keep it up. Then i feel her body shaking a little as she let out a little giggle then catches herself lol So i keep going, then before i know it her and I are both cracking up!! She finally moved out from under the bed and we had a hug session and laughed our butts off eventually! When she gets like that It seems I am the only one that can get her out of it. I got that "Mama touch" lol It will be a great memory now. Might not seem much by writing it, maybe one of those "got to of been there things" but it was great!
Yesterday went had lunch with Chris’s family. There was a couple there I will leave nameless. But we have had some conflict with them this last year. It was not pretty at all and have not talked to them since. I wont go into details as its personal. Anyway, they are getting married in June. We were all sitting around and some people were trying to make a wedding invitation. I wanted to jump right in and say "well this is how u do it and this is what i suggest" and so on lol Graphic design being right up our ally, since it my hobby and our business lol Finally I decided to ask Chris if he would offer to help. I knew it be hard for him, as he is the one who was mainly in conflict with them, i was just a causality by association and being a witness to things I thought was wrong. Anyway I told him, it was "the right hing to do" Eventually you got to let things go,especially with family. I know it will never totally be let go, but this is a starting point to peace again, it was the right thing to do since it was our expertise and they needed help. I didn’t push him though, he came to the decsion on his own to offer and i was proud of him!! It will be a growing experience for him and them all. So now he is helping putting their wedding invitation together :-) It was a nice day just for that alone and offering a helping hand even when its the hardest for you.
Ok I am done with this update. My head cant take much more, i need to go lay down. Talk to ya all soon, have a super week!!
peace......
9:53 AM
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3 Comments - 6 Kudos
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March 26, 2008 - Wednesday
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Someday
Current mood:  breezy
Category: Romance and Relationships
Clinging to a life that knows no care,
I’m sinking beneath a million tears,
Captured, enslaved and compelled by a love
That only your heart can free me of
I breathe in so hard
Trying to catch my breath when we can’t talk
I close my eyes so tight
Hoping when I open them you will be there
But I know I have to wait
Until the time is right
It seems so far away
That I think I am losing my mind
You touch me and I’m filled
With the most warm and wondrous light
It’s as if before you, I was just as dark
As the dead of the longest night.
If I could have just seen tomorrow
I would have jumped ahead of time
because today it might have not ended
and today you might have been mine
I have given myself to you,
But you could not keep me,
My search for you is not over,
You will return once again.......
9:21 AM
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3 Comments - 4 Kudos
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March 16, 2008 - Sunday
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Good Stuff, bad stuff....STUFF!!
Current mood:  fabulous
Category: Life
Well, I have not written a blog about whats going on in my life, so thought I would write a little here now. I tend to shy away from writing about my personal going on in blogs, from the past when I feared my ex would read them and turn things around and use it against me. So when we had our custody battle I stopped. I think i mentioned that before. Butttttt I suppose I can get into the hang of it again, I don’t care what they think anymore and the custody battle has been over for awhile lol I doubt anything I do would really affect it, but back then when it was going on, i didn’t want to take any chance. I lead a dull boring life now anyway ha ha
Well I believe i mentioned to ya all I moved. I am still in Rancho. Got a really nice condo. i love it , it had hard wood floors, its so pretty!1 i did have pic posted but i deleted that album on accident lol My bedroom is ALOT smaller then i am use to though, especially the closet, i had a HUGE walk in closet, so that sucks, but everything else is nice and i got a FIREPLACE!! YAY!! lol So far i like it here a lot.
This week has been a hard one for me. a week ago a friend of mine passed away. I still don’t know all the details, but was told he fell somehow in his home and broke his neck. I was waiting for him to come online last Sunday, we had arranged to meet and play a game together when he got home. i waited and waited and he never showed up. Then that night while waiting i got a message that he had passed away!! Initially I thought he passed away on Sunday. Then i learned it was Friday, well Friday i was talking to him on instant messenger and all the sudden he just stopped talking and I never heard from him again. which very odd for him, he always says goodbye. It was around 11pm eastern time, which was his time. So now I am wondering if he got up while talking to me and it happened!! Either way i was def one of the last people to talk to him. It broke my heart to hear the news. But he is soaring with the angels now. RIP Paul!!
Then On Tuesday my sister went into the hospital. She has been terminally ill for 8 years now. The doctors said she only had like 6 years to live 8 years ago, so she has beaten those odds!! But every time she goes into the hospital it is very scary, we just never know........ She is a trooper and one of the strongest women i know!! It looked serious this time, but bless her she pulled through and is home now!! Praise the dear lord for answered prayers!! I miss her soooooo much, she moved to Wash. State several years ago, so its really hard :-(
THEN, last night my mommy got rushed to the hospital. she has not been in good health for awhile now. Has had a few heart attacks, has COPD, she is diabetic and few other things. She has oxygen at home now for when she needs it. Well she couldn’t breath the other night around 3a.m. and her oxygen wasn’t helping either. She couldn’t go back to sleep and kept having problems breathing, so went to the ER yesterday afternoon. they said she has chronic bronchitis and on the verge of pneumonia. She seems to be doing well though and in really good spirits. She thinks she will be there until Tuesday from way things are sounding. Just every time I get a text my mommy is in the hospital , its hard and scary, as any of u can imagine. It tough watching our parents get older :-( I love my mommy so much and am so close to her, I know i will fall apart when the time comes ::: sigh :::: but i wont think of that now!! She an awesome woman, I am truly blessed to have her as a mommy!!
So on a more positive note!! I believe i mentioned awhile back I was going to try to lose weight. Well i DID!! I lost TWENTY FIVE POUNDS BABY!! hee hee hee I really have not even been trying either. That’s how it always been for me, id get a little chubby and basically just will myself to lose and I did lol But with the old age thing, it not as easy and i been finding myself a little "chubby" more then i use too blah!! I think i got the heaviest I ever been this last time around, without counting prego fat lol i was 164! YIKES!! My normal has always been between 120 and 130. Well i am 139 now woo hoo!! hee hee 10 more to go and ill be happy! Well i am happy now, but 10 more be nice. I took some "before pic" but i can not find them now!! (seriously ha ha ha) So I cant post them. if i find them I will, i really don’t care, i was sexy with the weight too ha ha sexiness is all an attitude and in the mind. I did take a few "after" pics so i will post them here. A few of u men have been saying post bikini pics again ha ha ha Well here ya go!! lol
Life is has been tough, but i still feel good!! I still smile and laugh!! its too short not too!! We can not control all the crap that comes our way, but we can control how we deal with it!
Take care all and YIKES enjoy the pics (nervous) heh lol
peace baby!!
(EDIT i had to rmove the first three pic because it made my son uncomfortable and being the good mommy iam I dont want to do that :-)
11:12 PM
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7 Comments - 8 Kudos
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March 15, 2008 - Saturday
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Him
Current mood:  cheerful
Category: Romance and Relationships
I close my eyes to go to sleep,
But the first thing I see isn’t the darkness
From my eyelids, but him.
I see his beautiful face, smile, eyes.
I wake up
thinking of him
all day long
I’m dreaming of him
I fall asleep again
with him on my mind
only
it’s the wrong him.......
©Tam
3:15 AM
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Alone....
Current mood:  blah
Category: Life
Alone in the morning I awake
Alone I celebrate my joys
Alone I cry out my sadness
Alone I voice out my fears
Alone in strength
Glass stained tears
Encumber within me……
Shattered dreams
Timeless love lost…..
A feeling of hurt a feeling of pain
runs through my body like i cant explain,
feeling inferior feeling no good
when all u crave is to be understood ,
All these emotions are just stuck in my head
I can’t find the words for them to be said.
No one around me seems to understand,
all I want is for someone to hold my hand.
Empty rooms and empty halls
Have been my company of late
Candlelight dances on the walls
As I sit here, alone
Loneliness
It makes memories into ghosts
And dreams into spirits.
Too vague to remember
Too important to forget.
12:38 AM
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2 Comments - 4 Kudos
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March 13, 2008 - Thursday
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Realization’s
Current mood:  awake
Category: Romance and Relationships
I talk to you, without alarm
And I fall victim to your witty charms
I didn’t realize it before,
But it’s you I was looking for
My vision is muddled with droplets of water.
I never know what to think about anything,
and my mind is but a long, dreary story.
If only you had known.
If only you had known I was thinking about you constantly.
My dreams are all of you; a haunting that comforts me.
I can’t get you out of my thoughts, nor do I want to
I hear your voice whisper to me at night,
Whispering of things unimaginable and fervently wished.
For so long have I wished that you would see
How I love you more each day that passed
I see my dreams always inside a broken glass
But I’ll never be able
To express my love, I’ll
Shelter it in my heart for
Always
It seems I’ve loved him forever..............
3:31 AM
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1 Comments - 2 Kudos
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