Satan’s Hearing aide
Category: Blogging

* I hate periods. I hate that the female of every species on the planet bleeds from their private area at certain given times. It sucks. Tonight, I really hated thems. My dog Mya likes to ride in the car. I needed to go to Wal-Mart so I took her with me. My family and I knew she was to go in to heat soon. We thought it was supposed to be around 2 weeks ago. I forgot all about it. I left her in the car as I went inside. (PETA, I left the windows down.) I came back outside a few moments later. I smelled something funny. This was the "I know that smell but please let my nose be deceiving me" funny smell. I picked up Mya's behind and discovered blood spots on my front seat. I yelled whil banging my steering wheel. "F*CK!!! F*ck Mother Nature with a dull pitchfork in the ass!!!" I had to drive home with the smell of Mother Nature's cooking oil parading around in my car.

* Its always funny to shop in Wal-Mart at night. I was standing in line with my purchase behind a man who looked like he had snorting gas fumes with a straw The cashier was a quite hefty black woman. I paid for my purchase (I bought the condoms Anne Hathaway!...jk..sorta...ok I'm kidding.) The cashier handed me the bills first. I got them with my right hand. I reached with my left to get the coins. When I moved my hand close, she dropped them to the floor. It was an accident. She then said, "I thought you had bigger hands, if you had bigger hands you would've got them." Now sometimes I can catch myself before I say something very mean. "Well at least...nevermind." My response was going to be, "Well at least my hands don't look like bowling balls with fingers." I'm senstive about the size of my hands. They may be strong but their hobbit hands. Appreciate, don't discriminate.

*This happened a while back but it still makes me laugh. I was at Krystals fast food restaurant in the afternoon. After I paid for my meal, the older cashier handed me my drink. I went to where the straws were kept only to find they were empty. I walked around the counter to get some napkins. When I went back to the cashier, he had my bagged food ready. "May I have a straw, you're out over there." He turned around. He came back with 2 straws. He handed me both. "Why do I need 2 straws for 1 drink?" He looked at my like I was an idiot. I took his facial expression as attitude. "I may be an intense drinker but not intense enough for 2 straws." I guess I gave him the "I'm really thirsty and need my liquids filtered" look.

23:02 - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh Why!
Category: Blogging

I was thinking tonight about some things tonight while grazing through Wal-Mart. Feel free to discuss or post your own.

Why

* is Cinamon Toast Crunch like a $1.20 more expensive than all other cereals?! Is there a shortage of cinamon? If cinamon is connected to oil in some fashion by all means lets take all Middle Eastern land. Bush could've gave that as a reason. "So, we're declaring war on Iraq because...umm...Hussein was mean to my dad and they're hoggin all the cinamon and oil."

* hasn't someone invented one-armed jackets?!? At Wal-Mart, I found myself standing in line behind a man in a big jacket. He was trying to swipe his ATM card. He was going very slow and doing it too awkward. Inside of my head, I was telling him to use his other arm. After he got done, he turned a little and I noticed he didn't have a right arm. I felt bad for being irriated by him; however, that shame quickly turned in irritation. I was tricked! If there were one-armed jackets for people like him, I could've avoided all this frustration if he were just wearing a one-armed jacket.

* do people not like the word 'moist'?!? I couldn't tell you how many females (and the occasional male) hate that word. What's the big deal? It just means damp or slightly wet. You have to have that word. You can't say, "Well the air seems slightly wet" or "this contact keeps your eye damp." I can understand not liking words like 'vagina', 'mucus', 'pus', or 'twat' but 'moist'?! Come on!

* is it that every time I turn on the television really late at night a "dual-action cleanse colon cleanser" ad is on?!? I'm tired of seeing this cokehead version of James Lipton speaking to a pornstar-mannequin hybrid about how toxic the human body is. Every time I land on it, it seems the hybrid is talking about how he checks his daughter's poops. What the hell is wrong with these people!?

* do people love Oprah?!? She has started her own "church" in which she claims God can be whoever you want him to be and God was created in man's image. Are you serious? Who does that? I tell you who does...Oprah does. The woman who was created from one of Satan's bowel movements. She is evil. I've told people that many years. I've even fallen under her trances during day-time tv. When the sky goes dark and Satan jumps out of her chest ass-first Alien-style, I'll be sitting on the side telling you I told you so.

That's all for now!

22:37 - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

38:22 with T-Mobile
Category: Blogging

Dear T-Mobile,  

Bathe in acid.

Sincerely, Justin

I feel like T-Mobile has promised me with liquid gold in terms of service only for the liquid gold to be the tainted urine of a dog in heat.

1st Problem

Some time in February, my service starting going in and out. I’d lose service for one hour then would have it the next hour. I thought that something was wrong with their tower. I just shrugged it off. About a week later, I couldn’t make a call. I could text, get online, email, and receive calls. I just couldn’t send a call. Isn’t that Liza Minelli crazy?

I called T-Mobile to complain. It took me about 12 minutues before I got to talk to someone. The female operator was quite nice so I tried to be as nice as I could. I told her my problem how I had all the options on my phone except I couldn’t send a call and my service went in and out. She then had the nerve to ask me, "Are you on your phone now?" I replied, "I just told you I can’t send calls, of course I’m not on my phone." She informed that there was an interruption in service in my area and it would be fixed within 24 hours. "What if its not fixed then?" She said, "Oh Justin, it will be fixed." I replied, "What if it isn’t?" She again said, "There is no if, it will." She then told me she would give me 150 free minutes. I told her that didn’t do me any good since I use my phone mostly in the evenings and I can’t make a call in the first place to use those minutes. She told me that was all she could do.

2nd Problem

My service got a little better...6 days later. This past week, the backlight on my phone went out. It flickered one evening. The next morning, she was dead. This is my second Sidekick 3 and the last one’s backlight died as well. I called once again to complain. I called from my cellphone since I was at school the morning it had been found dead. I told the female operator that my service was once again interrupting and my light display was out. She tried to get me to troubleshoot my phone which I refused to do since I’ve had 4 sidekicks (2 Sidekick 2s, 2 Sidekick 3s) and I know all the little tricks. She told me that I needed a replacement phone and T-Mobile would call me that afternoon or evening to arrange me getting a new phone. They never called back. I called back the next day in the afternoon. This female operator asked if she could call me Justin. I said, "If you want but listen, I’m a highly pissed off customer right now so it doesn’t matter what you refer to me as." I should’ve said "call me majesty or lord".  I complained about all my troubles with T-Mobile which she replied every complaint with "I’m sorry to hear that Justin." She then told me the procedures of how I would get a new phone. I had to send ’my’ phone off and the techs would look at it THEN send me another. She said this would be around 10 days. I would be without a phone for 10 days. She said, there are some T-Mobile stores around there that could give you a loaner phone. Its been my experience that the stores around here don’t have loaner phones because there isn’t a true T-Mobile store around here. She asked me if I would like to drive to Nashville to get one. Are you serious? Drive 2 hours away? This is where I turned to the Mexican Hulk. I went gluesniffing apeshit. I complained how T-Mobile didn’t even offer me any money off my bill for the complete service I didn’t have which added together was about 2 weeks. I complained how I received free minutes when I couldn’t even call anyone. Now I have to suffer without a cellphone because THEIR phone went out. That is Bullshit wearing a hat! She said there wasn’t anything she could do and not to be upset with her. So I tried to use less tone. It didn’t help that my neighbor’s complete spoiled brat 7 year old son was running up and down my fence yelling at my dogs while hitting the fence. I said to the operator, "Could you hold a minute." I then said to the boy, "GO INSIDE! STOP IRRITATING MY DOGS, ONE DAY THEY WILL GET LOOSE AND EAT YOU!" He walked inside. I got back on the phone and said, "Fine, I’ll get screwed by T-Mobile."

That entire conversation took 38 minutes and 22 seconds. I timed in after I finally got a hold of an operator. About 4 of those minutes were on hold to get an operator.

So now I have to pay for my shipping and be without my phone for 10 days. The operator told me, "Oh, T-Mobile isn’t responsible if the phone receives damages during shipping." Thank you Debbie Downer.

Yes, T-Mobile has now become my enemy. I think when the AntiChrist comes, he’ll use T-Mobile.

8:07 - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Smooty
Category: Blogging

 I was driving on Dodds Avenue today. The traffic was a little slow. I happened to glance over to my right. To my shock, I watched a homeless man drop his pants and squat right off the sidewalk in a yard. He was taking a dump. Right in front of everyone driving on Dodds, he popped a squat. At least he is eating.

 I was walking to my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot. A young pregnant girl was walking towards me. She was wearing a small t-shirt that didn't cover her lower belly and some gray sweats. The shirt said, "Cheap and Easy". Seriously? A young blonde pregnant girl wearing a shirt that says "cheap and easy"? Isn't that like a Mexican wearing a shirt that says "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"?

 I was walking my german shepherd last night in an adjacent neighborhood. It was around dusk. I heard some birds going apeshit in some trees above me. I looked up in to tree to see why the fuss. There was a big owl (I think it was a type of barn owl due to its shapish face) right above me. He was watching my dog and I. We had a stare down for a few moments. Anyone who really knows me coudl tell you I'm a birdwatcher. I love all birds of prey except owls. Owls scare the crap out of me. I've only seen about 6 in my whole life in the wild. According to some Native American legends, owls are a sign of bad luck or mean someone close to you will die. After a few moments, the owl flew past me to another tree further away. It continued its staring. After about three minutes, it flew away. This is the 2nd owl I've seen in two months. A horned owl passed across my car while I was driving late one night. I feel like I've been blessed seeing owls more than the average person but now I feel like some crazy bad crap is going to be happening to me soon. If something bad does happen, I'm going to start the Crusades on all owls.

 T-Mobile had a tower go out around here somewhere. I haven't been able to send a call. I can receive calls, receive/send texts, and get online on my phone but I can't send calls. What kind of crap is that? I called T-Mobile last night to voice my frustration. I hate calling phone companies. They think by calling you by your first name, you two become friends. I told the operator my problems. She had the nerve to say, "So are you calling from your phone now?" Did she really just ask that? "No, I'm not on my phone, I just told you I can't send calls." She told me she would add extra minutes (which I declined but she gave anyway) and that my service would come back soon. I asked her, "How do you know?" She said, "it will come on Justin." I gruffed. "You sure it will come on? What if it doesn't?...I mean this is pissing me off." She apologized and said there were no "ifs" and it will come back on. That was last night at 10pm. It still hasn't.

 I'm slowly declaring war on my new neighbors. They are a young couple (late 20s). Both the man and the woman are about to acheive either their doctorates or masters degress in psychology. I despise most people in the field of psychology because they act a little condescending in their mission to diagnose you. I see it as a job where you hide your own problems by dealing with others. So, I park my car at the end of my driveway on the street. I park right at the upper left of their house in the street. I've always parked there. Well one day, I go up to my car and there is a note on the windshield. It says, "Would you please move your car and park in front of your very own house? Thanks" They capitalized 'your very own'. I got pissed. Who writes notes? Seriously? Why couldn't they just come ask me in person? I see them outside all the time. My mom said the guy was under the impression I was about 16 since I look so young and am never home. I wrote a little note back.

As you can tell, I'm a smartass jerk. A few days later, I parked my car. As soon as I got out of my car, the guy (who looks like Dominic Monaghan so I refer to him as Hater Hobbit) approached me. He mentioned that he received my letter and that he could tell I thought their letter was condescending. I made the comment, "well you got the point of my letter then." He made some comments saying I should park in front of my house and he didn't want to be a jerk. I told him that I wasn't a little teenager and if he had a problem he could've talked to me face to face. I said, "Seriously, who writes notes to someone whom they see all the time...childish don't ya think?" I told him how his letter pissed me off. My father watched are "agressive chatting" and assumed we were about to get in a fight. I could tell my neighbor underestimated how old I was and my confronting bluntness. I pretty much told him I refused to move my car because the street was city property and he was just a renter. He started saying something else and I stopped him to say, "ok, I'm done talking, bye."  I'm an a-hole.

22:13 - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

You’re Ballsy (long blog)
Category: Blogging

About a week ago, I started experiencing some extreme pains in my lower abdomen, leg, thigh, and testicles. I assumed, and hoped, that this pain might go away. A few nights ago, I felt I should check my testicles for anything odd since the pain hurt so much. After doing this, the pain seemed to go away. The pain went away because I dropped in to a depression when I found a weird lump thing in my testicle. I immediately thought I had cancer.

I started getting scared. I knew I would have to go to the doctor now. The problem is that I don't have health insurance. I don't have health insurance because I'm still a student and I was born with a form of heart disease. Because of my heart trouble, many insurance companies reject me or demand I pay between $450 or $500 a month. So I didn't know what to do.

I emailed a bunch of friends and told them to keep me in their thoughts which they did because my friends rock. The pain started to lessen in to more random behavior. It'd be gone then would come back in an instant only to vanish again. I decided to pay for a doctor's visit on Thursday and hope for the best. Since I try to make moments in my life as fun as possible, here is how the visit went:

The night before, I ate dinner at Chilis with a few friends. I happen to notice my physician a few tables away with friends. I quickly took note of what he was drinking in case I were to see him the next day. The next day, right before I was about to go to the doctor, I shaved and cleaned my swollen balls as best I could. Why would I do this? I wanted to impress him I guess? I mean it wasn't like he was going to see my nuts and say, "Wow Justin, you have amazing balls, sick or not, they're nice." When I got to the doctor's office, I waited in the waiting area for not even 5 minutes. The young nurse did the normal nurse things like check my weight and pulse. She then asked me the reason I was seeing the doctor. "I'm having lower pain in my lower ad..abom..admo..A-B-D-O-M-E-N." When I can't pronounce a word, I just spell it for the listener because I occasionally ride the short bus mentally speaking. I then mumbled, "and in my testicles." The young nurse turned to me for a moment than turned back to her clipboard.

I waited what seemed like long enough to train a dog to write its name using chalk. When the doctor finally walked in, I had forgotten the reason I had came. The reason soon came to me along with the nervous feelings that were attached to it. "I saw you last night at Chilis." We talked about Chilis for a minute. He told me he never saw me but I should've come talk to him. "Well I noticed your friend was drinking a bit so I didn't, but, hey, I took note of what you were drinking...coke?" He smiled. "Actually it was diet coke." I smiled back and said, "Yeah, I'm glad you weren't drinking because I didn't want a drunk feeling me up ya know?" He laughed awkwardly.

I told him all the details I could about the pain. He felt around my body for sensitive spots. Its like a game of "hide and hurt like a b*tch." He felt underneath my leg and squeezed to which I replied, "F***ing Hell!" He released. "Yep, you have a groin pull." He then told me to take my boxers off. He quickly saw the abornomality in my left testicle. He felt it for a few minutes and said it was cyst or a growth but its nothing to worry about. I felt great for a minute. He started feeling around my balls a little more while I looked forward thinking about the Civil War. (yes, I did...why? I don't know.) I nervously said, "So I see you at Chilis last night and the next day my balls are in your hands." We both laughed for a minute. His laugh was more of a quality real laugh while mine was a cautious one - his hands were on my balls.

He told me I had a testicular infection but it was different than the one I had a few years ago (yes, my 2nd in 4 years). He prescribed some antibiotics for me and told me to come back if it doesn't go away and he'll actually give me some tests.

So yes, I'm ok right now. I'm still in a lot of pain. Guys, a testicular infection feels like someone hits you in the balls but the pain that you feel in your lower body stays for days. It sucks more than an Opera with deaf performers.

Well this has been what my week has been like. I hope your weeks have been better.

14:48 - 7 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

It be weird
Category: Blogging

As some of you know, there is a ghostly presence that inhabits my house. Sometimes I think to myself, am I the only one she (the two times it had been seen, by me and my best friend DJ, it was a woman) messes with?

Sometimes, I wake up with a bloody nose, a busted lip, or marks on my face. Sometimes, they are all there at once. If you have ever slept near me whether it be me or you staying over, camping, or whatever, you might think its weird that I cover my head when I sleep. I put a blanket over my head when I sleep because of a bad experience with this ghostly thing. I have two doors in my room and I always leave one open when I sleeping because of it. I like to think it is all in my head or my family's head. I like to think, "Surely, all these events of my childhood and the things my family has experienced are just coincidences of natural elements coming together." I have many stories I could tell you of creepy things that happened when I was younger or from years past.  "It hasn't done much in the past few years though; however, that is until recent.

Recently:

* On two occasions in the recent months, I've heard the downstairs basement door open in the middle of the night. "Eeeaarreugh." One of those nights, it seemed like someone was moving it back and forth. I wanted to investigate but evidently I had left my balls somewhere else that day. A few months ago, my Uncle came down from New Mexico and stayed in the extra room in the basement. One night he came running upstairs and told me he watched one of the doors shut by its self.

*This may sound silly to some of you, but it happened. My cell phone was almost dead so I laid it on me bed with the charger in it. I walked out to get something to drink. I came back to find my phone unplugged. I thought, "what the crap, I thought I plugged it in." I plugged it back up. I came back a few minutes later to find it unplugged again. My socket is right next to my bed so there is lots of slack. The charge cord wasn't accidentally being yanked out by the distance of the socket and the phone. There was no way it was simply falling out because you have to give a little force to unplug it. This happened two more times of it coming unplugged. I walked over to my mom saying, "I think this ghost woman is unplugging my phone to mess with me." "I keep charging it and it keeps being unplugged." I walked back in to my room, charged it again, and walked off saying, "now watch, I'll come back and its unplugged." I came back and it was unplugged. I told the ghostly thing to stop being an asshole. I then just took my phone and the charger somewhere else.

* One night, I took my laptop to the dining room table. I was drinking hot chocolate while playing spades online. I didn't have any lights on but two, my laptop screen and a floor lamp next to me. As I was playing the game, something caught my eye. From my peripheral vision, it appeared that someone walked by right in front of me and the dining room table. I got up and figured my eyes were playing tricks on me. I sat back down and got back involved with the game. It happened again but this time going the opposite direction. I decided spades wasn't fun anymore and it was bedtime.

* Last night, I was lying in bed in the wee hours of the late evening/early morning. I had my head covered like usual. I was thinking of some funny events that happened on a trip a few years ago with some friends and I. I heard my floor creak as if someone was walking. On my desk, my laptop was updating itself so it was pretty loud already when compared with silence. I thought, "As long as I hear my laptop updating and restarting itself, I won't hear any other noises." My laptop stopped a few moments later. The creaking and sound of someone walking seemed to pick up a little. I imagined it was the house just making noise. Out of no where, it felt as if someone put a hand on the top of my head.  You know how when you are sick, sometimes someone will put a hand on the top of your head. Thats what it felt like. My head instantly starting hurting. I felt as if I had just received a concussion. My body got scared and began shaking a little bit but my head hurt enough to take some of the fear element away. The pain only lasted a minute. There were no more noises. It took me another hour before I could go to sleep.

I woke up this morning and told my mother I had trouble sleeping. I told her about what happened and she replied, "I heard it too." "I could hear someone walking by the bedroom door very lightly. I knew it wasn't you but the floor kept creaking like someone was pacing in front of my room." My dad came up drinking a cup of coffee and said, "I woke up the other night because someone leaned on to my bed right next to me, like it was they were leaning with their hand near me(my mom doesn't share a room with him because she recently had knee surgery so she can't move around very well without a crutch or cane)."

That freaked me out a little because my dad doesn't experience that stuff like my mom and I do. He's only experienced one thing that he talks about and that is only beause it happened with my sister, my mom and me with him.

I hope she/it doesn't get worse. I wish she'd just show up in front of me once now that I'm older so I can at least be freaked out one good time and be done with it. I can't handle this stress.

8:48 - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Issues
Category: Blogging

Things that have got on my nerves as of recent...

* I can't even begin to tell you how much it upsets me when someone clears his or her throat in order to get my attention. You know the person I'm talking about. You'll be standing somewhere (work, restaurant, etc.) and someone will need to get your attention in order to ask you something or step by you. Instead of saying "Excuse Me?" or patting you on the back, the person goes "MMMGHH". Naturally, you turn around to look at the idiot. You let them by or ask if he needs something. After you grant his or her wish, they say thank you. WTF is that about? No, thank you for allowing me to judge you.

* Why do little emo/punk kids have to have their little chain keychain out just enough so you can hear their keys rattling? Not all punkish people do this...just stupid ones. I can't count the number of times I've seen a boy walking around with girl jeans on (tighter around the hips) with his keys dangling. There isn't just 1, 2, or even 3 keys. There are 10 or more. I saw a boy (couldn't be but 14) with about 20 keys hanging off his pants. Why??! Are you a janitor? Are you the gatekeeper to the dimension of the emotional underworld? Gay.

* We all know someone who thinks he's the lost Beatle. They make little pics of them in their purple or red shads, scarf around their neck, have their long shaggy brown hair hanging over their eyes, wear their brown overcoats and prissy sweaters...you know the guy. If you wonder what the reason is behind them wearing the cool "John Lennon" look 30 years after it was done...look no further. It's because they are AWESOME. Dont' even try to understand them (they'll tell you that) because they are too deep for you. Just understand its because they are AWESOME.

*Can you believe there are people who support Michael Vick? There was an NFL player last night (Roddy White) who pulled out a "Free Mike Vick" shirt out from underneath his jersey. All he did was have dogs kill each other and if the dogs didn't kill each, he had them killed. There is NO wrongdoing in that. I mean, thats what I do on my weekends. I also kick newborns in to the ocean and play russian roulette with kittens. It upsets me anymore that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton both our by Vick's side. I forget that Michael Vick is black, therefore, should have his jailtime lessened because if he was white, thats what would happen. Yeah, ok.

* People, you do not slow down on an onramp in order to merge on to the highway unless, of course, you want people to die.

13:43 - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Porn Is Like Women; Can’t Live With It, Can’t Live Without It
Category: Blogging

I stopped by UTC yesterday to do some of my computer labs for my computer class. I walked in to the EMCS building to use one of the computer labs in the building. I opened the door only to be greeted by a young guy leaving. I was going to be the only person in the room. I walked over to one of the computers in the back. I got my stuff organized before I looked at the computer. I noticed a Word document was minimized. My curiousity took the best of me. The first thing I noticed about the document was that it was for one of the beginner English classes. He must've printed it off then forgot to close it. I decided to read it.

I contemplated messaging the writer on facebook (since his name is on the paper) and thanking him for the entertainment . Since this is for a beginning English class, I have to believe that he isn't exactly going for an English degree. I have a copy of the paper here. Let me know what you think.

17:47 - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Woo-Wee!!! Random
Category: Blogging

I haven't really written a blog in a while. I've been too stressed with school, work and life. Oh well! I'm in a bloggy mood.

* I thought of a great idea for a Will Ferrell-type movie. The movie would be based on the life of an NFL Kicker. For those people who don't like the NFL, the only job the kicker has is to kick the ball when needed. Some kickers think their whole team is carried on their back and without them their team would be nothing. When a game's win or loss is based solely on a guy kicking a last minute field goal for his team's victory; if he misses it then it is his loss not the teams. I think it would be awesome to have a comedy about a kicker who thinks he is the junk and ultimate athlete. Just a thought!

* A few years ago, I was driving behind a car on the Terrace. The car was going very slow. I hate slow drivers. Before we arrived at the red light, I pulled in to the left adjacent lane. At the red light, I glanced over to this car's driver. The driver was a girl with Down syndrome. I remember texting my friend Angie if it was possible for people to drive with Down syndrome shortly thereafter. Once we made eye contact, she gave me this complete "f*ck off" look. I remember thinking, "Haha, she IS a slow driver!" If I made a movie, I would have a scene when a character would be behind a girl and say "I hate slow drivers!" and speed past while the camera subtly catches that the driver has Down syndrome while he drove by. Silly scene. :-)

* Tutoring has been pretty fun. I really think African-American children are much more cuter and fun than white children. The last time I was there two girls shared with me a rap song they had wrote about secondary succession (when a fire or disaster destroys a forest then it grows back). I was highly entertained. It was to the tune "Lipgloss".

* I went to Six Flags last Saturday. I haven't been in 2 years. I firmly believe 'Goliath' is the most awesome roller coaster ever.

* One late night recently, I went to Wal-Mart. I was craving cereal and wanted to purchase Planet Terror. I was the next in line. Two people arrived behind me in line. I took a glance. It looked like 2 17yr old kids, a boy and a girl. They were obviously a couple having noticed the front of his hips was attached to her rear. They were the most redneck underage couple I've ever seen. The boy was wearing an over-sized wife-beater with stains noticeable around his massive midsection. She had a cute face but seemed like she had just woke up after having spent the night in a lion's den. I looked down at her future purchase. She was buying a see through blue bra and matching thong underwear. That was it. I smiled and turned away quickly in case my laughter overtook me. As I was sliding my ATM card through the card reader, I heard "I can't wait to see you in that baby." I lost it. I started laughing and couldn't focus. I entered my PIN incorrectly. The African-American female cashier looked at me and asked me why I was laughing. I glanced to the conveyor belt. "Oh dear", she said as she began to chuckle. The girl looked at the cashier and said, "What?" The cashier said, "It's just late and I'm tired." I walked off laughing.

* I'm really planning on converting to scientology so I can justify anything crazy I might do. "Why did you throw my baby in the ocean like a baseball?" "I'm a Scientologist." "Oh Ok." Tom Cruise is planning on building a bunker. The bunker is said to be able to hold 10 people. Those ten would happen to be Tom, Katie, his 3 kids, and any personalities he develops between now and then.

* I am a huge Star Wars fan; however, this is crazy. This R2D2 system has an DLP projector, DVD player, iPod docking station, 20-watt speakers, memory card slots, USB port, an LED message center, and a Millennium Flacon remote control. H even follows you around the house. Every Star Wars obsessed nerd now can stop wasting his money on whores that dress up like a mini-trash compactors and make noises while he touches himself. He can now buy his own girlfriend for $2,800. America...the Land of opportunity.

* I had no idea that the Blind wanted tattoos. Their wish has come true. That is some crazy Sci-Fi channel sh*t. Thats all a blind person needs in this world. You know what I will think if I saw a blind girl with that on them? "Aww, some jerk took advantage of the poor blind girl and gave her herpes."

9:17 - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Tutoring Day 2
Category: Blogging

Today, I started my second day tutoring at the Bethlehem Center. After my first 2 days (4 hours combined) of tutoring, I have come to the realization that African-American children (or black kids) are better than any other race of children. Here is another day with some humorous things.

* I met an 8th grader named Danijah. She reminded me a lot of Queen Latifah. She was a beautiful girl with a great smile. We talked for a bit. I couldn't help her with some of her math problems due to the fact I had no memory how to do percentages when it came to multiplying fractions. I told her I could give her the answers in my head but was no help of her. "Oh it all good...they gay anyway."

There was a female UTC student helping a boy on the table across from me. After she walked off, he pointed to me and asked me to come over to him. "We are learnin da 13 colonies in class n' she (the UTC girl) n' I dont kno if South Carolina 'n North Carolina wer together or seperated." I bent down to him. "They became seperate territories years before the colonies became the 13 colonies we know them as now." He smiled and turned to the UTC girl who was glancing in history books in the room, "He kno da answer and you didnt!"  The girl, who I hadn't met, just looked at me like I threw a dart at her head. I walked away.

Nautikal came in to the room with the younger kids after the older ones left. She screamed, "I need help!!!!" She was telling me what she needed when I pulled out chapstick to put on my lips. "You warin' lipstick?" I looked at her like she was stupid. "No no no no, this is chapstick...its for my lips when they get dry." She looked at the chapstick (which was cherry) and then back to my lips, "you lips arent dry...didnt know boys wore lipstick." I transgressed.

We were doing a worksheet that had to do with nickes and pennies. There were 2 characters (just showed their names...Sabrian and Tony)  on the worksheet. They picked up random nickels and pennies and her job was to count how much they each picked up and who had more. I read the first question. "Tony picked up 2 nickels and 5 pennnies. How much is it?" I looked over to her. "So how much money did he pick up?" She looked dumbfounded. "How you kno Tony a boy?!?!" I looked in to her eyes, "there is a sabrina and a tony...tony is a boy's name." "No, it aint, guys names can be girl names too boy!" I looked back to the sheet, "well you're right...some can...so how much did he pick up?" She looked at me and snapped her head, "YA MEAN SHE?!" I smiled, "Sorry, how much did SHE pick up?" She looked to the worksheet, "thas wut I thought."

Her second assignment was to draw something with patterns that was in the room. I explained what patterns were and told her the American flag next to us was a great pattern. She then drew a bunch of lines. "Can you write a star?" "No, I'm sorry, I have no drawing ability." She put her pencil in my hand. "I cant write stars, I jus cant do it." I put the pencil back in her hand. "You need to do this because its your paper, go ahead and try it...it'll be better than any I could draw." She put the pencil back in mine, "NO, you write it...I cant!" I began drawing a star for it. My star looked like I had seizure while drawing the left side of it. She picked it up, "Iz beautiful!" She laid it down and put her knucles out. We tapped knuckles. "I told u boy that you cud do it and you didnt bweive me!" She got out of her chair and started bouncing her chest around while shaking her hands. She was doing that "back that thang up" dance.  I told her she should sit down and color the flag now. She did while singing a song I had never heard.

That was the end of my second day. I can't wait til the third...well I sorta can.

17:33 - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tutoring Day 1
Category: Blogging

On Monday, I started tutoring at the Bethlehem Center. As expected, being a white boy going in to a mostly all black neighborhood in Alton Park, I was nervous. I wasn't the first white person to come in to this building so I'm not sure why I was nervous. After my first 2 days (4 hours combined) of tutoring, I have come to the realization that African-American children (or black kids) are better than any other race of children. I already have some humorous stories to share.

First Day

* I sat down with 3 little boys. I decided to wear my Yoda t-shirt in order to get kids to approach me a little more (I sound like a child molester). Two of the boys started telling me how awesome Yoda was. One of them asked me if he can call me "Yoda" instead of Justin. I told him that it was already my nickname and he was amazed. One of the boys needed help with some multiplication problems. Let me tell you how hard that was trying to explain to a child how to incorporate adding in to multiplication. I had done this before when I tutored in high school and it seemed easier then. Before I realized the conversation ocurring next to me, the boy I was helping jumped up and said to the other 2 boys, "I saw the same midget when I was visiting my dad in jai!" The two other boys were talking about how they had seen a midget while visiting their dads (they weren't related) in jail. Evidently, all 3 of their fathers were in jail. They started taking turns walking like a midget. I walked off shortly thereafter to help a girl signaling me down.

* She was a cute girl. She was a little overweight with big cheeks and glasses. She was doing synonyms on a worksheet and needed my help because she didn't know some of the words. Right before I was about to help her, two other girls walked  up to us. "Wut's yo name", one of them asked. "Justin", I replied. This other guy who was tutoring as well was also named Justin. "His name iz Justin too", she said as she pointed to the other Justin. " "You two twinz?!?" I laughed. "No, I just met him actually." She turned her head back to him then back to me again. "You guys twinz and you jus met?"

I went back to helping the girl. Two of the words in the word bank were "roll" and "chose". She was writing the word "under" on a blank when I noticed what she had wrote down on the blank line next to "picked out". I stopped her and said, "That is wrong." She had put the word "roll" down for "picked out". She looked at me like I was stupid. "No it iznt!" She then rolled her head to the right and then quickly to the left and said, "ROLL OUT!" It took it all I had to keep from laughing in her face. I responded. "Well, I could be wrong but I thougth it was chose...you may be right though." She looked back down at her paper then back to me. "Well fine, I guess I'll put down chose."

* After talking for a while to some other students, I went in to another room where younger kids were. This is where I met a girl named Nautikal Lewis. Her nickname was "Baby Lady" because she was 8 and acted like she was in her 30s. She was full of attitude and sass. Her hair was braided in to beads that bounced around all over her face and head when she talked or moved. She was a very chubby girl and had an adorable face. She was telling me her name and the proper way it was spelled when I noticed her last name was the same as mine.

Me: "Lewis is my last name too."

Nautikal: "Nu uh, you lie."

Me: "No it is!"

Nautikal: "No it aint, you lie...you white."

Me: "It really is my last name too."

Nautikal: "Who named you?"

Me: "My dad."

Nautikal: "Why he named you that?"

Me: "Its his last name too."

Nautikal: "Who named him that?"

Me: "His dad had named him that too...its our last name."

Nautikal: "You are confusing."

Me: "I get that a lot."

She smiled then went back to drawing. I started helping a kid with some math problems. It was fun. He impressed me how smart he was and how quickly he understood what I was talking about. He counted by kissing his fingers. *1* 'kiss' *2* 'kiss'. I taught him how a clock worked. He then demanded he do it himself then have me check it for him. He got 2 of them wrong but he got the hang of how the little hand and big hand worked. I felt proud.

Nautikal signaled me back over to her desk to show me the picture she had just painted. I told her how pretty it was. This is when she broke in to dance. She began singing "Crank that" by Soulja Boy. She stood out of her seat, began doing the superman dance while chanting the lyrics. Another girl came up to her and said, "you doin it aw wrong stupid!" She began singing other lyrics and doing the dance next to her. Before I knew it, there were 3 girls singing Soulja Boy while doing the superman dance in front of me. Suddenly, one of them stood up on the chair. Before I could say get down, she yelled "superman dat ho" and jumped off her chair on to the floor chest first.

Shortly later, they all went home. One of the girls said, "bye cutie" to me.

16:40 - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Of the flesh
Category: Blogging

It was around 4 p.m. I took my shoes off first followed by my socks, shirt, shorts and then boxers. I did this after I had turned on the shower. I had a great tune in my head. The tune was that of the awesome song by The Beatles "Yellow Submarine". I could hear my cell phone ringing in the living room. Thinking it was my doctor's office, I ran in to the living room. I picked up my cell only to realize it was someone whom I didn't really feel like chatting to.

I put my cell back down and began my trek back to the bathroom while singing "Yellow Submarine". From the corner of my eye, I noticed a dog in the front yard. Some of you know that my living room has a big glass window in it which allows us to see outside. The dog in view was a black chow. I knew it belong to Crazy Jane. I got closer to the window. A few feet away from the dog was Crazy Jane. I saw her already peering on to me. Suddenly a light lit above my head...I was naked. Jane and I were staring at each other...she full clothed in her hoboish style and me being fully nude. I quickly turned around and ran towards the awaiting shower.

I had given Crazy Jane a show. The woman who constantly is in people's yards, venturing through their trash, letting her dogs crap in random neighbor's yard, and stares at everyone had just seen me nude. Not only that, she had probably seen me run to my phone naked and then run away from her naked. There isn't many things funnier than watching someone run while naked. Damn that woman.

In the shower, I remembered how my mom used to tell me when I was in middle school and high school that I shouldn't walk around or outside of our house in my boxers. I also remembered how one of my sister's friends yelled at me for walking around her in my boxers in which I replied, "I'm sure I look better in my underwear than you do Grendel." Oh how awkward and dirty I felt in the shower. I bet Jane is smoking a cigarette right now.

14:11 - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

How you like your pancakes?
Category: Blogging

 I walked in to Walgreens a week and half ago. My mission was one of great importance. I was there to find God's magic juice...Nyquil. My mother had walked in there with me to get some medicine of her own from the pharmacy. When we walked up to the counter, laughter overtook me. There on the magazine rack was the new TIME magazine.

Obviously the cover story is on Billy Graham. Look where the top of the letter "M" is. Billy done got him some devil horns. The question arose from my mother whether or not the magazine editors did this on purpose for a subliminal effect or was it just coinincidence (love spelling that word!). I mean they could have lowered his image just a little for the "M' to show. :-) What do you think about this cover?

 Due to something of recent, I've been given a psychologist to visit. This isn't the first one I've been to in my life. I've had a pretty rough life for most people to handle so I had one when I was younger. My first visit with this guy was uneventful. We shook hands. He asked me about my "problems". I could tell he was one of these guys who didn't joke much. I discovered this when we started going through my history.

Doctor: "So, were you an early birth? a late birth? were you on time?"

[What the hell does this have to do with anything? Its not like I lost my watch and just lost track of time hanging out inside my mother thus leaving me anxiety issues on my life mechanics.]

Me: "Ya know, I couldn't tell you. I remember coming out a little disoriented and being cold but not much else. Give me a minute and I'll try to remember."

[Doctor gives me a blank stare.]

Me: "Might want to ask my mother that one."

  Sometimes I can't stand the people at Blockbuster. I went in there this evening to browse some movies to watch on my night alone. I noticed the movie "Vacancy" was empty on the shelf. I decided to go and ask if any copies had came in.

Me: "Excuse me, could you possibly see if you have any copies of Vacancy since there are none on the shelf (I'm such a good boy with manners!)."

Young Employee Girl: "Yeah, let me look really quick."

Young Employee Girl: "No, we sure don't. Good thing though because that movie sucks. It is horrible. I mean you really would hate it. Its a waste of time.You are in luck that we don't have any right now."

Older Employee Girl behind me: "Oh yes, It is horrible. You don't need to see it. Its crap."

Me: "Well...thank you."

Like I care about your opinion on a movie I want to experience myself you penis holster! I felt like saying, "Thank you so much...oh and I'm glad you aren't skinny because it sucks. Living longer is way overated. I mean its horrible. Way to make a good choice modeling yourself after a dead walrus. Obesity 2007!" I'm sorry that wasn't nice...yeah.

 I'm not telling you where this occurred because of the fear that you may know this person . I promise I didn't mean anything mean but it is hilarious. Sarah, Becky, myself and some others decided to eat at a certain eating establishment. I went to order my food. The counter girl asked me what I wanted. I couldn't quite make out what she was saying. I told her what I wanted and she said, "Do you want fwies with that?" I asked her again. She said the same thing. I said no and turned back to Sarah. "She has a crazy accent!" Sarah looked at me like I was an idiot. "She has a speech impediment stupid!" I turned around to give her my analytical scientific look. "I think its an accent." "No, its a speech impediment!" I looked back to Sarah. "So, she's retarded?" Sarah began laughing. "No, she just can't say some things." "Ohh, I thought speech impediments was like the dialect of retarded people...so if she was...she kinda does have an accent." Sarah then claimed I was going to hell. I promise I'm not mean but the conversation was just funny to think about now. She was a nice girl though. I talk funny sometimes too.

 My chihuahua Paco has some allergy problems. He sneezes, breaks in to rashes, and always is giving a look of dread. My mom decided to start giving him allergy medicine to fix his problems. One day I woke up with sinus pressure headache and a runny nose. I asked my mom if we had any allergy medicine. "Just the Wal-Mart stuff I give to Paco...take one...its just regular allergy medicine." I asked her for the pill bottle and she threw it to me. I opened the bottle then looked on the side for the directions. It said, "Ages 12 and older take 1 pill every 4 hours." I looked towards my mother. "Hey mom, so...how much do you give Paco?" "Oh I give him 1 pill." Shock overtook me. "What?!? You know it says ages 12 and older take 1 pill every 4 hours!" She looked up to me from the couch. "Justin, Paco is an adult...he's70 years old ya know (dog years obivously). "Mom...nevermind...you...nevermind...well no wonder Paco sleeps for hours upon hours and walks funny."

20:10 - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

"I'm not a puppet...everyone is but me!"
Category: Blogging

I have no idea why stuff happens to me. Some of the most off the wall things happen to me more than anyone else I've known.

Around 1 p.m. I was reading something on CNN's website. My 2 chihuahuas were outside relieving themselves. I heard them start going ballistic. I got up to get see what the racket was and that was the start of my hour with a drugged out boy.

I opened the door to see a guy (in his early 20s) standing there panting for air. I've seen this guy around before but I had never met him.

"Dude, man, dude, I hate to bother you man but you know I'm in a lot of trouble...I need to use your phone. I'm not high. I know you don't know me but I know you're Jeri's brother and I went to school with her and man I need to use your phone."

I looked at him while holding a cup of coffee. I walked over to get him the housephone and he slowly just came inside. That is when he went on some spill about people trying to kill him. I barely said a word for the few minutes he ranted off.

"Man, these people are trying to kill me. Can I borrow a gun? You may want to get a gun b/c I might've put you in danger. These people are trying to kill me and I don't know them. They've showed up everywhere. They took my family hostage last night and have been around my house since. I dunno who they are except it involves drugs. Man, my life is in danger. They took over a hosptial last night. They posed as nurses in order to scare me. They flashed a gun to me and my dad. They're everywhere..I'm freaking out. They're going to kill me. They even have some detective on their side who has been following me around. Theres about 20 of them and they're going to kill me. I've messed with the wrong people man. I showed up at my house this morning and my mom and dad were whispering. I'm not on drugs man...I'm not.I think someone was under the bed or in the closet making them say stuff to me. I have the gift of reading lips and I asked my mom if someone was under the bed like this...(he showed me how he asked her with only his lips...his gift) and she said yes like this (he showed me again). I ran here man looking for Mitch or anyone to use their phone. I ran through a trail no one knows about to get here.

"What trail?"

"The one by your house man, they don't know about it but it goes from the apts to back behind your house."

"Oh, the ditch..."

"Yeah man."

He started punching different numbers in to the phone claiming these people had a hold on everything. He finally got a hold of some woman and asked her where a guy named Ben was. He said he needed protection and needed Ben. She didn't know where Ben was and so he hung up.

"Man, this involved some Meth and that shit is wicked. I thought crack was bad but man meth gets you fucked up and now I'm going to die. They're going to kill me. This wouldn't have started if I had that guy. I didn't have any problems 'til him and now I'm going to die and now I've put you in danger."

I was drinking coffee looking at him the whole time.

"Man, I'm sorry to be scaring you man but I aint got  no where to go. I can't go to the police because they are all crooked. What should I do? You are in school and you are smart...help me man."

I kept drinking my coffee and told him I wasn't scared.

"Man, your dogs are going nuts...someone is in your yard...they must see something..what they barking at!?!"

I calmy said, "you."

"Ohh, ok.

He started calling someone else. Whoever this person was he got in an argument with. He accused him of doublecrossing him and how he was going to die b/c the mexicans have came in. He yelled at some mexican and accused him of being a fed and now he was going to die.

The phone cut out on him and he turned to me.

"Man they cut the phone line! They're here man!"

No, the phone is still on, that dude just hung up on you."

That is when he started vomiting. He ran to my bathroom and all I can hear was vomit hitting the toilet. He did it about 5 times. I opened the backdoor for my dogs to come in. They run to the backdoor if I don't open the front door for them. When I opened the backdoor, he came running in with some vomit on his shirt.

"Man, everything ok!?! They here?! I thought they got you man. I was thinking I was going to see a gun to your head."

"Nope."

He went back to the phone and started putting in more numbers. I went to my cell and started texting a few friends about how funny this was. He came up to me fast.

"Are you calling the POlice??! Man, they're crooked don't do it. I'll die and maybe you too."

"Nah, I'm just texting."

"You texting the POlice?!"

"Nah."

I told him he needed to leave because I didnt' want him around anymore and if my dad came home that my dad would probably kill him before anyone else would.

He called his mom while saying she and his dad were probably being held hostage. He told his mom that was at Mitch's neighbor house and he was putting him(me) in danger. His mom started saying how he was hallucinating and he accused her of being a puppet and that shit was going down. His mom and dad both denied anything happening at the hospital or this morning and he said they were lying. He said that she was being controlled by a puppet (which made me laugh). His mom told him she would take him to the station and he said that'd be ok bc they wouldn't expect him to go there. His mom (I could hear her a bit) then said, "I'm going to go pick u up now from Mitch's ne..." He then interrupted, "DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD THEY'LL HEAR YOU!" She then hung on him.

While he waited for his mom, he pretty much repeated everything he told me when he first got there. He claimed his house was on Belvoir which was about 2 minutes from my house. After about 5 minutes he called his dad and asked where his mom was and what was taking so long. He then hung up really quick claiming that his dad was talking fast like he was scared. 

"Man, go get a gun and come outside with me. They could be hiding in my mom's backseat man because she could be hostage.

"Nah, you'll be ok."

"Yeah, I hope...you're smarter than me. Man I regret stop going to church. I need church right now. I believe in God and he's the only one I got with me now. I have God on my side and those bitches are going to rot in hell for what they're doing to me. I don't know who to trust. Everyone is a puppet. I'm not a puppet...everyone is but me."

His mom pulled up in front of my house. He looked around through all the windows he was around to make sure it wasnt "a trap". He asked me to come outside with him because he was scared and I said, "nah, my dogs are scared and I need to stay with them." (That was a lie.) He then said he appreciated me and sprinted to the car.

Fun huh?

11:29 - 11 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

"F" the Cicada
Category: Blogging

Everyone in the south knows what a cicada is. If a person doesnt its because he pr she doesn't what they are called.

That is a cicada. They are the big bugs you hear at night making that loud as hell screeching noise. It starts out soft then it goes really loud for like 15 seconds then goes soft again. They're a pretty good size and are always shedding their old bodies around everywhere. They might as well be called the Affleck bug because they annoy me as much talentless actor.

I stepped out of work tonight while texting my friend Katie R. I was walking alone in the parking lot to my car. I stopped about 15 feet in front of my car to look for my keys thinking I had left them inside. Thats when I heard it. "urrrrrrrrrrCHACHACHACHACHAHCHACHACHA." It was right behind me or close to me. "Holy Hell", I screamed because it was so loud and scared the hell out of me. I began to look in front of me thinking it must be on the ground somewhere around me since there really wasn't a spot for it be. Thats when I made the mistake of turning my head 90 degrees to my right. My right ear went almost deaf. It was on my back. I, even after realizing it was on my back, turned my head 90 degrees to the left. That ear began ringing. The motherf****ng bug was on my back. Now people who know these bugs well know how loud these things are. They're the noisest and loudest bug in North America if not the Americas (I could be wrong so don't throw it in my face if you want to look it up ). They are much louder than I ever thought they were. When it is on your back next to your ears. They'll make you go deaf. I quickly began reaching on my back trying to get this thing off of me. I finally grabbed it. It was on the back of my collar. It was literally directly behind my head. I pulled it around to the front of me. It had stopped being a noisy a-hole when I had grabbed it. I looked at it and said, "You little dick!" "What did I do to you!?" After giving him a talking to, I threw him in the air and watched little Ben Affleck fly off. My ears are still ringing and hurting as I type this despite it occurring almost an hour ago.

18:34 - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment