Do you come here often?
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Romance and Relationships

I've been trying to find the time to tell this charming little story of mine for a while now, mostly cos whenever I think back on it it makes me smile.  Tis a lovely little romance thing that happened to me a very short while back.  Tis a story of love and intrigue....mystery and seduction.  Ok, that's bollox, but it does have a chat up line and some sex.

I'm not one for the pick up scene when out with friends.  Chatting up some hottie at the bar seems like far too much effort most of the time.  I much prefer turning every situation into a joke, and finding the funny side of things.  If I can supplement the funny with a bit of Lorree Harrell occasionally, when then that's just a bonus.  Still, I do live in Iceland, and do frequent a certain rock bar, with a couple of female friends that seem intent on getting me laid whenever we go out.  So if you do a bit of math here, Icelandic girls, plus Icelandic girls trying to get you laid, plus Icelandic girls, plus alcohol, well getting laid occasionally is a full on certainly, even for a retarded romance killer like myself.  If you don't know anything about the fairer sex here in Iceland, I'll educate you.  If there is a word for chastity in Icelandic, not only do I not know it, but I'm pretty damn sure no Icelandic bint knows it either.  

So there we are, yup there we are, that's a crap line.  These two Icelandic lasses are flexing my muscles (don't laff) and doing the full on sales pitch to just about any female that crosses our path.  I've learned to tune out this odd behaviour and just enjoy my beer.  But they do seem to have some success with this approach occasionally.  Two favourably looking lasses walk over, and start looking me up and down, like I'm on sale or something.  This is the part of the story where I become offended, and storm off, I'm not being treated like some piece of meat.....ya....right! ok here comes the oddest chat up line....

One of the girls looks me up and down and says...and I quote!
"You look like some fruit on a tree baby"  Now really...what do you do with that?
After the obligatory moment of silence, stunned silence I must add, I replied, "well why don't you pluck me?"
"Oh I can pluck you can I?"
"Oh yea, you can pluck the shit out of me!"
I was rather proud......

She actually laffed, AND called me a charmer!! A charmer be fucked?  Now I know charming, and I know when I'm being charming, and people, that ain't it.

Anyway, to cut a rather long and x rated story short, she took me home and plucked.....







Just a little footnote, and I do need to ask this, been bugging me, well for a while now. Tis rather important.  If you need to fart, I mean really need to, painfully so, belly cramping up and all that, but you are on the receiving end of a rather good blow job at the time, is there any dignified way around this?  Answers on a postcard, or you know, just leave them in the comments.....

Currently listening : Mugiboogie By Mugison Release date: 2008-08-19

10:09 - 45 Comments - 50 Kudos - Add Comment

Wet panties, good for the soul
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Friends

Ok, I been rather missing of late, and havent done a platypus for a while..so here ya are...

Man I was toasted last night, I can't remember being that drunk, ever.  It was a work thing, we just moved to a new improved building, and were celebrating the success of the company.  So we all got together and got rather silly.  Later on in the night, I forget the time, if I ever knew it, a few of us decided a jaunt down town would be a good idea, and as the boss was flashing his credit card around I thunk it was an even better idea.  

The day started early, 6am to any of you that think midday on a Saturday is early.  The work day had gone to perfection, everything ready on time and in good order.  I was in generous mood so had sent everyone home early and finished up things on my own.  The boss popped in to lend a hand, which he never does.  I finished up around 4pm, and drove home, showered and shaved.  Well I say shaved, I rather dislike shaving, so I use a pair of hair clippers set to grade 1, it does the job, and leaves me with a little stubble, which I like, perfection.  I sprayed on a little boss blue and head out to the local sports club to watch the Liverpool game.  

We were 2 up by half time, Torres fit again and came on in the second half for a run out, we finished up 3-0 and went top of the league.  Keane scoring his first 2 prem goals....perfection.  I walked home, tis good to excersise occasionally, and the 45 second brisk walk gives me a good workout, keeps me fit and burns off the beer I had consumed.  I was in high spirits.  I was in my fav jeans already, they were actually clean and ready, without any thought to the party in the evening, which is great, I rifled through my wardrobe for a shirt, and me burgundy one was hanging there a waiting, with only a crease or two, no ironing required. Perfection.  I rub a little gel in my hair, and for a change it looks fucking spanking.

I hop in the car and drive to the office, the boss is already there, having just turned up with 6 cases of beer and some vodka.  Its ready chilled and free, fucking perfection.  We had recently hired some hotties, due to the expansion, and they turn up wearing as little as possible and flashing plenty of cleavage.  My own music mix is running.  Lots of "free" alcohol, hot women that can't speak English, and no boyfriends in sight.  Tis a good day.  

After much dancing, no little flirting, and the odd grope here and there, some decide to go home, and the rest of us decide a few beverages in town are in order, and as I live in town, and the boss is paying for us to get there, it seemed like an even better idea.  We get to town, driven by the bosses rather hot looking daughter and pile into the first subway we can find, and you could have knocked me down with a rather skimpy pair of wet panties, they actually had the meatball sub, never before seen in Iceland.  I had one of those before we skipped off to the nearest bar with live music.  Again, them skimpy wet panties, coulda and shoulda..... Guinness on draught. Rarely seen in Iceland.  I was a tad fucked outa my face by this point, and everyone else seemed to be a little inebriated too.  We step out of the bar to find a taxi waiting, but there are too many of us to fit in.  I only live a few blocks away so I say, someone can crash at mine if they like, we'll walk home.  And seriously, dudes, wet panties, I need to get some....one of the girls grabs me by the arm and off we start a trotting to my place.  

Now ok, she's no looker, and rather on the large side, but people, I'd had a few, she looked like Claudia fucking shiffer to me.  As we're walking home, we get accosted by this stupid looking fucking elf.  I try to walk around him, but he keeps trying to pester me.  Somehow he knows my name, and is ranting on about perfect days or something.  It got me thinking a little, about how this had been a rather perfect day, with a quite literal climax coming in the way of Claudia shiffer, a smooth work day, Liverpool top of the league, sexy women that cant nag the shit outa you, free beer, and a shag in the making, the only thing missing had been beating something to death.  So we beat the shit out of the little elf, and being a rather large Claudia shiffer, the bint got in some great blows, and we continue on our way to the finale.....

Currently listening : Black And White Album By The Hives Release date: 2007-11-13

00:41 - 26 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment

Still, I’m staying positive.
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Friends

Yea, I havent been here have I? Oh well, life's shit and all that.  So a few of you have bitched for a new blog, like I got nothing better to do, so here it is.  
My life of late, please pay attention, drink a few coffee's or something, take some uppers, this may put you to sleep otherwise.  

Recently I nearly lost my job, I made a monuFUCKINGmental balls up at work, nearly bankrupted a few people, and got a real fucking ragging from my boss.  So I been spending a bit of time about the work place of late.  Still, I'm staying positive, I couldn't really give a shit about it anyway. 

My landlord just put my rent up, again, so its now reached the unaffordable mark, apparently there's some recession going on, and interest rates are high, he needs the money, poor bloke, owning all them properties.  I offered top clean his house each week to make up the difference, but he was just jetting off to Cuba for a few months and didn't need it.   Poor bastard.  

The ex-wife has gently eased into the "bugging the shit" out of me phase, on moving to San Francisco.  She just got back from spending a couple weeks there, had a great time, or so the hotel manager tells me.  This recession is hitting people hard eh?  I haven't seen her much since she got back, so its just been the odd comment so far, but I can feel it coming, I know how she nags, still, I'm staying positive! Apparently there are an abundance of jobs in San fran, great apartments are going for a steal, and I'm sure my fairy fucking godmother is due any day now, to give me a few million krona and a pair of glass slippers, cos I always wanted a pair of them, curiosity don't ya know.  Can't be comfy can they?

I haven't been online much of late, except for the porn obviously.  I get like that sometimes, cunting things in real life take over from time to time, and I drift off.  The only thing I have time for these days when I get home, are the 3 S's, shit, shower and wanking, I dropped the shaving, can't afford the razors anymore.  

Someone asked how the giving up smoking was going?  So an update for ya, fuckoff! Hope that answers that fully and without embellishments.  

If that all sounded a little bitchy and depressing, its cos it was, still, I'm staying positive, I can feel the humour returning.  I went to the bank the other day to ask for a loan, and they laffed so hard it became infectious.  In fact someone has been laffing in my head since....

Did that answer a few questions?  No? bummer....

And now I'm off to read Beatrix's blogs, see what the tasks are and write something a little more cheery, maybe something about the Icelandic banking system, cos thats fucking laffable.






A little P.S for ya, I shall catch up on reading a few of the blogs I have missed over the weekend.  I really havent had the energy or time to keep up with it of late.  But things are a twinge easier now.  

Currently listening : Black And White Album By The Hives Release date: 2007-11-13

11:08 - 34 Comments - 59 Kudos - Add Comment

Divorce, crap and life stuff, gawd how boring will this be?
Current mood: eccentric
Category: Life

Firstly, appols and stuff for not being around this week, I know you all miss terribly my comments on your blogs, and the lovely interaction we all share.  But I been working like a tosser for about a week now, which is ok, cos I am a tosser, but it gives me very little time, and lets face it, with the little time I have left, I'm hardly going to waste reading the crap you all post now am I?  *deep sigh* that's better, I feel much better getting that apology out of the way. 

Secondly, and probably lastly, but who knows, I'm just rambling here and it could go on a while.  I just wanted to tell you all, I am finally divorced, after 3 years or so, and 4 attempts, the ole ex-ball n chain finally relented and gave me half of what I wanted.  So I signed the papers, and as of the 8th of September 2008, I am a young free happy single man again.  If all the pretty young single ladies would like to form a queue, and please keep the noise down. 

Now I got that out of the way, I would just like to say fanx to said ex, I know what you're all expecting here, some sarcastic blog about the ex, marriage in general and all that shite.  But I'm gonna disappoint here.  I did actually enjoy being married most of the time, and for the most part I only have fond memories.  She's a great little lady, if a tad psychotic, and she is a wonderful mother to my two kids, she also seems to be a lot better off since she kicked my sorry ass out, so she seems a tad smart too.  So things seem to have worked out ok.

However, having said thanx for the memories, and talking her up a bit.  I have to say a little woohoo, maybe punch the air a little and down several beers.  I haven't had anything to celebrate of late, so at least this is an excuse.  Single life does suit me a lot better than married life did.  Living on ones own seems to have several million benefits, and I cant seem to recall any drawbacks.  I even found a lovely little lass to do me washing, and without forking out for one of them big shinny rocks that it usually takes to get some lass to it.  Lets face it, doing yer washing is a little like swallowing, there usually has to be some serious investment beforehand.  So life does seem to be coming together. 

And now I have to rush off to work again, so I'll leave you with this little thought....

Hmmmm..... nope, got nothing....

Currently listening : Clap Your Hands Say Yeah By Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Release date: 2005-10-11

12:00 - 88 Comments - 78 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m god for a day, so I made a platypus
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life

Fucking platypus tasks...

If I were a God for a day.

Well there ya fucking go, what a freaking god awful task eh, in fact there are twelve of them this week, all as god awful as the last.  So instead of picking one that I actually had an idea for, I just picked one and random and added a few fuck words.  It also has very fucking little to do with being a god for a day too, but hey, I figured if I said "god for a day" enough in a blog, it'll fool that chick Beatrix and job done, and I can go back to masturbating.  There will also be a lot of swearing in this blog, and mostly directed at you....yes YOU! Not because you're a cunt, well, not just because you're a cunt, but because I'm a trifle FUCKING stressed right now.  Can you work out why?

So if I were a god for a day, you know what I'd do?  Cure world hunger perhaps? nope! fux with the 7 deadly sins? heal the environment? Cure disease? no no no no, I'd make smoking healthy and FREE! We all know that smoking is the coolest thing on the planet right, but a few of them dear science blokies actually think its unhealthy.........wankers, what do they know?

Since giving up I've been coughing like a cunt, eating everything I see, having dizzy spells, and beating kittens to death, I ask ya, if this is how non-smokers get by, how the fuck can a little lung cancer be a bad thing?  They don't put that on the warnings do they eh?

The kitten beating is actually ok, and manageable, actually quite enjoyable at times, but therein lies a new problem, I don't know if you know this, but kickin the shit out of a kitten is much like sex, in that there is nothing more satisfying after working up a little sweat like that, than to relax afterwards with a ciggie.  That first puff after that little tingly feeling you get, after you have expelled yourself, after you take a little breather, or after sex, is pure heaven.  And if I were god for a day, that's what I'd make heaven feel like. (did ya notice, I said "if I were god for a day" in keeping with the tasks of the week butt munches)

So yea, if you're so fucking dumb you didn't quite get it, I gave up smoking, apparently my clothes will stop smelling, I'll be healthier, albeit 40 fucking stone in a few weeks, and have more money, which brings me to the point of my giving up smoking. Health issues, social stigma, cleaner atmosphere around me? No no and no, I couldn't give a flying fuck about your secondhand smoke whinning ass, lung cancer or fresh fucking fragrence, I just would rather spend the money on beer.  Smoking is far cooler, but at least you can get hammered indoors, you know, pubs, clubs, parents evening...

And try try and leave a Shitty comment today, just one of you, I fucking dare ya! 

Currently listening : Conduct By Fuck Release date: 1998-09-09

23:02 - 94 Comments - 66 Kudos - Add Comment

My Oprah Interview
Current mood: drunk
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Disclaimer

After David Combs ruthlessly stole my idea (Disclaimers Disclaimer.  Ok had the same idea, but got there first) I had to come up with something else, So I threw this together quick like, but couldn't be bothered to do the proper photoshopping or put much effort into it.  However I still expect that YOU put much effort into the comments...

This is my obligatory Platypus Blog... Please join the group if you have any talent for blogging, the group already has one useless git, we don't need more!

Last week medicore blogger Kahoopla appeared on the Oprah show for the first time, Kahoopla was the myspace blogger that outed Jenny and Merv's lesbian relationship, and exposed magical midgets lack of social grace.  However this time he was outing himself, and his addiction.  And we have the whole interview right here folks... 

Oprah: Welcome to the show Kahoopla, that was quite a reception you recieved.
Hoops: Thanx, yea, was alright wanit, n call me hoops...
Oprah: Ok "Hoops" So you are.........
Hoops: ...Tis ok darl, you don't need any caps, hoops is fine.
Oprah: Ok, "hoops" so you..
Hoops: ...nor them speachmarks luv, just hoops...
Oprah: hoops, right, so hoops, you have a rather rare addiction, and felt it was time to confess?
Hoops: Well confess might be too strong a word, but I felt it was worth talking about, if only for the blog material.

Kahoopla went on to explain exactly what this rare and shameful addiction was..

Hoops: There isn't really a special word for it I guess, it being so rare.  You know, you can call a herion addict a druggie, or tv addict a cunt, but I guess with my addiction its quite unheard of, so I made up my own word for it.  I call it alcoholism.
Oprah: Alcoholism? thats quite a word, what exactly is that?
Hoops: Well Oprah, Im addicted to alcohol, you know, like beer or a really good red wine.
Oprah: Wow that does sound strange, I know many people who drink, but you say you are addicted to it?
Hoops: Yes Oprah, at times it can become quite a problem.
Oprah: I understand, You hear all the time about people substituting thier addictions with other things, is that a problem for you?
Hoops: I'm not sure I understand what you mean?
Oprah: Well for instance a heroin addict could use methadone to get his fix, presumably you could use any substance containing alcohol, like perfume for example, addicts can be quite resourceful.
Hoops: *chuckle* thats funny Oprah, no no, I said I was an alcoholic, not a moron. I don't think people are actually that retarded.
Oprah: So how does your addiction affect you daily life, what sort of problems do you encounter.
Hoops: Well I'd be lieing if I said it didn't affect my life, getting around is a problem...
Oprah: ....Because you're not allowed to drive when drinking?
Hoops: No, mostly cos I can't ever seem to remember where I parked.  But there are other things too, the wine store closes at 6, and I often work past that, and I'm far to lazy to actually go to the pub everyday. So I often have to sit at home with a coffee instead. 
Oprah: That does sound like a huge problem.

After stunning the audience with this rare and shameful revelation, Kahoopla, or hoops as he likes to be known, went on to tell about how it all started.

Hoops: I guess I have always "used" alcohol, from a very young age, but it was always recreational, you know, like a normal person.  I would go out, get shitfaced, stagger home with some fat bint, and then attempt to get up for work the next day.  There wasn't ever a problem, I was as normal as you. 
Oprah: So how did the addiction start?
Hoops: I guess I first noticed my dependance on alcohol, or beer, just after I got married.
Oprah: Are you saying your wife drove you to drink?
Hoops: No, there really wasn't any need for that, we were living in England at the time, and just about everywhere is within walking distance to the pub.
Oprah: Right, but your wife was obviously to blame for your addiction?
Hoops: Well I wouldn't go that far, I guess I was just weaker than most men, most men can put up with the constant fucking nagging, missing the football to go freakin shopping, or cos some dumb ass chat show was on the TV.  I guess I just hid in alcohol, to dull the pain, or lower the volume.

After revealing that women really are the reason most men lose it, Hoops, or Kahoopla to most people, went on to tell of his plan to beat the booze.

Picture: Kahoopla celebrating his new step program

Oprah: So how to you plan to combat this terrible affliction caused by women?
Hoops: Well as you know, being a rather pathetic addiction, there really aren't any help programs already in place, so I had a look at a few other addicts help programs to gain inspiration.  I took alot from the Druggie Annonymous program.
Oprah: The famous 12 step program you mean?
Hoops: Yes, thats the one, although I felt there were alot of pointless, and well, rather laffable steps in it, so I did refine it a little to make it more realistic. 
Oprah: You mean, there aren't 12 steps in yours?
Hoops: No Oprah, as I say, some of them were just plain stupid.  like step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  I mean, I'm an alcoholic, how the fuck am I supposed to remember any of that shit?  I mean, can you ever remember what shit you got up to when you were off your trolley?
Oprah *Chuckle* no Hoops, sorry I mean hoops, that is a silly one.
Hoops: and also step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.  That pretty much come under the stupidity of step 9. And Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out, I mean, wtf? I don't even know what that means.
Oprah:  Well its good that you trimmed a few of the more pointless ones, how many did you trim exactly, and can we hear all of you steps?
Hoops: Sure, I've actually already patented it, so I guess I can give you an exclusive, I was actually able to trim 11 of them off in the end, with a little work.
Oprah: 11? Wow, thats quite an accomplisment, you must be quite proud, so how many steps are you left with, and what are they?
Hoops: I was actually only left with the one, which is great, cos 12 sounded like it would take way too much time.  And I really wanted to kick the habbit a lot sooner so I could get back to normal drinking.  I pretty much whittled it down to step 6.  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, now I don't actually believe in the dude, but shit, its his problem now. Oprah: Amazing
Hoops: For sure, its been quite harrowing, but I finally feel that I can get back to getting shitfaced without all the guilt and everything else that comes with it.

So there you have it folks, the Karastigur famous blogger Kahoopla on his shamefuill addiction, and his new help program for it, just in case anybody else is incapable of going out for a beer, and leaving it at that.

Another fecking disclaimer:

No, I didn't do any spellchecking, or even proof read this, if you have any comments on grammer, please make sure you leave the kudos first.

Currently listening : Automatic for the People By R.E.M. Release date: 1992-10-06

16:09 - 85 Comments - 59 Kudos - Add Comment

Wonder Product Jenny Snuggles - Authentic...
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Sports

If you read my blog regularly, and are offended by vulgarity, you should probably skip this one!!



I missed last weeks Platypus task, mostly cos they were shit topics, and unlike everyone else involved with the group, I've never shagged a muppet.  I was also going to skip this weeks tasks, cos again, they were pretty fucking lame, I mean, who the hell wants to write about that whore Jenny Snuggles, I think she talks about herself enough for the entire planet.  Anyway, I was poking me pussy a little this afternoon, when it keeled over and died, so onto google for a new plaything, when I came across this ad, and I thought to myself, slap me with a kipper, I could kill a couple birds ere with only the use of a single stone.  After thoroghly reading the ad, and taking 5 minutes to order the product, I realised that it was much much more, I could actually kill off all the platypus tasks for this week and get some super lovin from Beatrix for doing it, with just some simple cutting and pasting, which is great, cos I'm a lazy shit.


*Disclaimer*

*If you get offended easily, well, you're probably a cunt, so I don't care*



Introducing the amazing Jenny Snuggles Wonder Doll!

This is the authentic working girl.







Authentic patronising voice with lines such as, fuck me harder you incontinent sheep, and Oh my god I make me cum so hard.

Adjustable mouth sizes to suit all sizes, including...






Kick her in the cunt to hear her sing a dirty ditty













Amazingly realistic 2 minute battery life. Fits nicely into the Jenny doll "Judd size" mouth, for easy storage.



Don't delay, order now and beat the Christmas rush, and make it the most amazing Christmas you ever had

Currently listening : Nevermind By Nirvana Release date: 1991-09-24

10:41 - 122 Comments - 78 Kudos - Add Comment

And the Winner is!
Current mood: adored
Category: Games

First off, I would like to thank those few "special" little people that voted for my submissions, the fact we clearly stated you couldn't vote for either my, nor Jay's entries is besides the point, it did give me a warm tingly feeling none the less.  I would also like to point out, that even tho there were a few fuckwi.. um "special" little people voting for the wrong entries, no one voted for any of Jay's :)




No no, you don't get a prize Jay.  We actually saved that catergory for someone else.  In fact, we made a few of our own little awards, just cos we are nice like that, and felt a few entries were deserving of our ridicule. So without any further ado, we'll move on to some made up catergories...

So we'll start with the

Biggest Loser - For the most embarassing efforts, and not embarassing for us


A TIE

Step up Ceggy and Bushido

We couldn't decide on the worst of these three submissions. So you two, go directly to start > Settings > control panel > Add/remove programs, and delete photoshop, do not pass start, do not collect a prize! hope you are thoroughly ashamed of yourselves!



I'm a Cheater - For the best use of a blog dicking to steal a vote Category

This hands down goes to Kunty!  Nice try, but we were watching you




No Skills - For worst photoshopping

Now here there were A LOT of entries to choose from, but after fierce debate with Jay, I decided on one of Terry Nicholls, The Mayor of Crunkville's (Jolly Judd) as I say, there were a lot to choose from in this category, but most of them were from him, so in the end it was an easy decision



Which takes us smoothly, seamlessly in fact to the next category

I has Skills - For the best photoshopping skills

Obviously I'm not allowed to win here, so this goes to the totally awesome Foxy for this rather fine effort.



There were actually two we wanted to pimp out, cos we thought they were so great and weren't getting enough attention.  So with that in mind

The WTF award - For being so good it should have gotten a lot more votes.  Beatrix with this....



Shall we move onto the actual voted winners now?


This actually became quite complicated, and after much bickering, and no small amount of name calling between myself and Jay, (in which the word caboose was dropped often) we decided we would have to use the money we saved up for first prize, to get in an independent adjudicator, Jay paid for her, and informed me of her decision about 49 seconds later, and just to prove it, here she is with Jay



That being said, we will move onto the winner, and maybe I'll explain why at some point too. 

In THIRD place, with a total of 8 votes........





David Combs

David actually got 18 votes, 4 were specifically for this entry, and some others were specific to other pics, in the end we divided up the unspecified votes equally between his three, giving this one 8 votes.  If you are upset about this, feel this should have won, want a recount, or in anyway disagree with our method, e-mail someone about it, anyone, even Tom in fact, just not me, cos I don't give a fuck...



SECOND PLACE

Er!N



I would also like to point out, that from all entries, Er!N received the most votes overall, so well done to you, still, no prizes for second are there!  Actually, After spending all the first prize money, we don't actually have a first prize, someone did come up with the rather ODD idea of an autographed photo of our shit, yes, in the literal sense, Jay seems rather taken with this idea, so that at least is part of the first prize, shit is free after all, not sure about the postage tho...

Lets move on quickly shall we...


FIRST!
with 11 votes
Doctor Handsome, Happenin' Hepcat




Doctor Handsome, Happenin' Hepcat wins an autographed picture of our shit, AND will be boosted to number 1 on both my and Jay's friends list for a whole freaking week, you can't ask for more amazing prizes than that!


This is probably the bit where I should thank everyone for taking part and all that crap, but I'm a pretty ungrateful bastard at the best of times.  I do however hope you enjoyed taking the piss out of me and My Life is Just a Very Complicated Drinking Game for a week.  But remember, it needn't end now, you may continue to take the piss out of Jay for as long as you so please.  I'm also sure Jay will pop in and give his thanx to everyone, like the myspace friend gathering man whore that he is, soon...

Currently listening : Clap Your Hands Say Yeah By Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Release date: 2005-10-11

05:00 - 134 Comments - 70 Kudos - Add Comment

For fairness, good sportsmanship, and my devilish good looks...
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

If you didn't notice, the delightful Beatrix recently ran a competion, to find the best chat-up lines.  Peons like you were invited to come and vote on the best entries.  Quite obviously mine won hands down, it being funny, subtle, in keeping with the nature of the topic, and of a religious nature.  However it seams Beatrix forgot how to count that day, therefore forcing my wonderful entry to be pitted solely against My life is a pointless drinking game and I have a silly beard's entry.  I was ok with this, being a good sportsman, devilishly handsome, and of a religious nature, forgiving and humble.  I'm also beardless...

I ran by the contest early this morning to see how I was doing, and noticed, quite rightly, that I had gained the majority of the early votes.  I was content to let the contest run its course, happy in the knowledge that my delightfully funny, sublte, and religious entry would of course win.  After doing some laundry, some volunteer work at the local soup kitchen, taking in some stray cats to feed and nurse back to health, and finding homes for all the homeless children of Iceland, I popped back to check on the all the above average intelligent people that were voting for me, and maybe to give some thanx if I felt their comments deserving of my awesomeness.  

It was at this point I noticed there seemed to be alot of less than average intelligence people roaming myspace, most of them seemingly from j's friends list.  And by cripes, them being of a stupid nature, they were in fact, voting for the wrong, terribly unfunny  and mortally offensive entry.  Not only this, I also noticed that My life is just a very complicated drinking game, was resorting to underhand tactics, threats of violence, slights against my awesomeness, and more unGODly acts.  (there is also a rumour floating around that he was masturbating to my entry). 


So I am here to appeal to your sense of fair play, good sportsmanship, and intelligence, don't vote for this offensive drivel....

lets up the average I.Q of a beatrix blog, and vote for common sense, intelligence, subtle religious humour, and my striking good looks...oh and this...

09:58 - 87 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

Platypus Blog Task thingy....Number 2.
Current mood: artistic
Category: Blogging

It was a dream come true, something I had thought about constantly lately, you could even say I had obsessed over it.  We had met a few times, sometimes just glances from across a room, a street, sometimes at autograph signings, a few stolen moments, a few words, I had been smitten from the beginning....

She looked beautiful tonight, sat across from me.  Her hair falling around her face, over her shoulders, the dark curls in stark contrast to the white satin dress I had picked out for her, arms bare, her perfect skin, golden, the whole effect bringing out emerald green eyes.... A gleam there? a tear maybe? it had been a long time coming this, a few tears seemed fitting. 

We had decided to eat in, the paparazzi would have been all over this otherwise, and she was always complaining about the lack of privacy, at least I'd read that somewhere.  I was ok with it, just to be with her was enough for me.  To look upon her, to be this close to the woman I had adored from afar for too long, my hands shaking a little, the anticipation.  I had cooked spaghetti, the only thing in my repertoire, she was used to better I'm sure, but the food wasn't important, just being together at last was enough. 

Hers was a beautiful home, up in the hills, secluded, enough privacy for what I had planned.  I had arrived hours before, to prepare, to make everything perfect for our first date, it had to go well.  I had roamed, learning about her, from the Italian cookbooks in the kitchen, the shaggy rugs, wooden floors, the evolution lighting in the living room, natural, she liked low lighting, subtle, relaxing, that's how I had set the mood, the lights were low, candles on the table, music from her collection soothing us as we ate.  She was only picking at her food, probably too nervous to eat much, I had cut up her food for her, always thinking of her, the ties on her wrists not helping her eat.  I moved around the table, placed my chair next to hers, so I could help her.  Taking her fork, and lifting it to her mouth, she still seemed nervous, and yes, a tear, rolling down her cheek, so beautiful to see. 

I took her hands in mine, an guided her up, leading her to the center of the room, she tripped a little, but I caught her. She stood for me, the satin dress doing nothing to hide the curves of her body, I traced my finger along those curves, did she flinch a little?  No, I am imagining things. I moved in behind her, brought my hands around, and burying my head into her hair, a subtle smell of jasmine, mixing with her perfume, it was intoxicating.  Mellow sounds floating from the stereo to surround us as I lift the knife to her throat...

Currently listening : The Trick to Life By The Hoosiers Release date: 2007-10-23

05:31 - 81 Comments - 66 Kudos - Add Comment