ESCAPE TO NY Results!

It was only a few months earlier when Kaiju Big Battel invaded Webster Hall for a night of live monster mayhem, but New York City proved they were game for more Danger on the night of June 7th, 2008. For on this night, after recent Battels in Providence, Boston and Philadelphia, Kaiju Big Battel was ready to ESCAPE TO NEW YORK!

Of course, before we could have Fighto, we needed a referee to call the action. And while Kaiju Senior Official Jingi continues to recover from injuries sustained months earlier in Providence, his replacement on this night would be Kaiju Sophomore Official Nikuman. The New York crowd was skeptical; could this inexperienced referee possibly handle the Danger about to take place?

The first Fighto had a decidedly funky feel, as the Yokosuka Jump Squadron was to audition a new member; disgruntled Swarm creature Dai Hachi Hachi. Of course, Dai Hachi Hachi wouldn't be up against the sharp tongue of Simon Cowell, but rather the powerful paws of Kaiju Hero Dusto Bunny! If the freaky space bug could get a victory, he would be granted membership into Super Wrong's exclusive dance troupe. Dai Hachi Hachi got the advantage out of the gate, using his speed and generally discomforting dance moves to get the upper hand on the wise old sage of the Kaiju Heroes, but this edge would not last long, as the power and experience of Dusto Bunny became too much for Dai Hachi Hachi to bear. The leaping lagomorph finished off the bizarre bug with a soaring Bunny Shot from the top rope, and the Yokosuka Jump Squadron celebrated in the only way they know how: dancing the night away.

The next Fighto saw an epic rematch years in the making. In the same week that saw the Celtics and Lakers renew old hostilities, another classic Kaiju rivalry was reborn when Sun Buster took on his old nemesis, Giii the Space Pirate. But unlike last time, Sun Buster was now a full fledged Kaiju Hero! Giii looked like he would make short work of Buster, as the hard-luck Hero couldn't seem to catch any breaks. But when things look most bleak, that's when the Kaiju Heroes work their magic, and tonight would be no exception. Sun Buster somehow found an opening, turned the tables on Giii, and finished the Space Pirate off with a gravity-defying flying elbow drop. Another win for the Kaiju Heroes!

The third Fighto of the night felt a little more... conservative than usual. Not in the ring, of course. There was more carnage than ever between the ropes. But on the Webster Hall stage, Boston's premier 80's pop cover saxophone duo Ronald Reagan was kicking out the jams of Survivor, Cyndi Lauper and Michael Jackson, among others, for the Musical Mayhem match between Hero Intern '08 and The Grudyin. Hero Intern '08 scored a big victory over The Grudyin a month earlier, and the undefeated rookie seemed poised to repeat the feat. But in a novice mistake, the Intern got too carried away during the dance sequence of "Beat It", and while he showed us some sweet moves, he also showed us he didn't have eyes on the back of his helmet. The Grudyin decked him in mid-moonwalk, then powerbombed him into oblivion for the victory.

The next Fighto pitted two despicable Kaiju monsters against each other in a Battel of fame, fortune and vinyl figurines. Dr. Cube's terrifying toucan/gerbil combination Tucor took on Sea Amigo and overall scumbag D.W. Cycloptopuss III in a Marmit Merchandise Contract Match. The winner would have a vinyl figurine by Marmit made in their likeness, surely leading to cultural icon status across the world, if not the universe. Jimmy Sprinkles, a lucky fan who won a contest to present the winner with the contract, quickly became quite the unlucky fan when both competitors went straight for him in an effort to cheat their way to the contract. Many low blows, hits from behind, cheap shots, and free T-shirt giveaways from Rockstar Games later, the clam-scented Cycloptopuss grabbed the contract. Of course, his celebration was short-lived, as the wild beast Vegetius came out, blasted Cycloptopuss with a clothesline from the top rope, and walked out of Webster Hall with a nice new merchandising deal.

The evil Dr. Cube came out to tell Webster Hall that the planned main event rematch of Uchu Chu vs Neo Teppen was a sham, since he was not involved. Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder came out next, and after Dr. Cube dissed his mother one too many times, Boulder clobbered the Bad Doctor with a barrage of left and right tentacles. The New York crowd was happy to see Cube hit the bricks, if only because it was time for the much-anticipated main event of the evening!

One week earlier, Neo Teppen's reign as Kaiju Grand Champion was ended prematurely by Uchu Chu the Space Bug in Philadelphia. Although there's no shame in losing to Uchu Chu, arguably the most formidable foe in all of the Kaiju Universe, the loss was an embarrassing one for Neo Teppen, who only held the title for less than a month. As such, the Hero demanded, and was granted, a one-time-only rematch in Webster Hall. Win, and he would recapture the Kaiju Grand Championship. Lose, and the floodgates would be opened for Uchu Chu and the Swarm to infest the entire world!

Despite being outnumbered by the Swarm at ringside, and being the target of one particularly ferocious female Swarm member all night, Teppen held his own in the Kaiju Big Ring. Although never one to be complacent or gentle, Uchu Chu was especially vicious tonight, even attacking Kaiju Sophomore Official Nikuman! But amidst the carnage in and outside the ring, fans saw perhaps one of the most exciting Fightos in Kaiju Big Battel history. Back and forth the momentum of the match swung, like a metronome watching a tennis match.

But after a little help from the Swarm, Uchu appeared to have the match won and rolled up Neo Teppen for an unbreakable pinning combination. But Uchu's own overzealousness cost him a sure victory, as the same Sophomore Official he had earlier knocked out was still lying motionless on the ground, and no pin count could be registered. Amidst the confusion and frustration, Teppen took advantage of his opportunity, dispatched the Swarm, stunned Uchu Chu, and caught the Space Bug in his finisher, the Reverse Summit Plummet. And Sophomore official Nikuman, earlier in the night booed because no one thought he could fill Jingi's illustrious shoes, and despite the Swarm member on his back grabbing and hitting him, somehow managed to count the three. Neo Teppen had recaptured the championship!

At the end of the night, fans saw more action than anyone could've imagined. Dusto Bunny danced to a victory while Super Wrong reminded us who was the funkiest of them all. Sun Buster conquered his past and finally established himself as one of the premier Heroes in all of Kaiju. Hero Intern '08 showed us his moves, but also showed us that he has much to learn before becoming a true Kaiju Hero. After an embarrassing defeat a week earlier in Philadelphia, The Grudyin reminded us that he's still Dr. Cube's biggest and baddest monster. D.W. Cycloptopuss and Tucor proved they'll do anything for a buck, but Vegetius proved he'll crush anyone just for fun.

And perhaps most importantly, the world remembered why there's no one better than the Kaiju Heroes. Uchu Chu isn't necessarily evil, per se; at least not in comparison to Dr. Cube. But the Space Bug has proven time and time again that he will do absolutely anything to win. Beating up innocent bystanders, bending rules, getting a little help from his friends; Uchu Chu is not above anything when it comes to winning. And tonight in Webster Hall, Uchu threw the rules out the window and threw everything but the kitchen sink at Neo Teppen. And somehow, the Kaiju Hero with 27 secret powers withstood the onslaught, overcame the odds, and walked out of New York City once again with the Kaiju Grand Championship. Good Fighto, Good Nighto.

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Shpadoinkelmania VII Results!!!

The City of Brotherly Love became the City of Monsterly Aggression on the evening of June 1st, 2008, as Kaiju Big Battel made its triumphant return to Philadelphia at the Trocadero for Shpadoinkel Mania VII.

The night got off to a Brotherly feel, as former Kaiju Hero Pedro Plantain came out to take revenge on The Grudyin for the murder of his twin brother Pablo. It's been two years since the death of the Plantain hero, but judging from the tenacity in Pedro's eyes, it appears as if it were only yesterday. The Grudyin got the initial advantage on Pedro using his superior size and strength, but the Zombie Plantain came out to even the score with a trash barrel filled with weapons and foreign objects. Before all was said and done, The Grudyin was bashed with a cinder block, clonked by a 2x4, laid out by some bricks, thwapped by a mace, booted by a dismembered human foot, covered in gasoline and eventually put out of his misery by a devastating smash to the face by the trash barrel itself. If revenge is a dish best served cold, tonight Pedro gave The Grudyin two heaping scoops of Danger Ice Cream.

Sun Buster hasn't had a particularly smooth run since his promotion to Kaiju Hero. But on this night, Buster hoped to get back on the right track by notching his first victory as a full-fledged Kaiju Hero. His opponent? The wild beast known as Vegetius! For a long time, it looked like Sun Buster would continue to go winless, as the giant beast Vegetius ran roughshod over the poor Hero. Vegetius had a significant size and strength advantage, but a few costly mistakes (along with a little help from Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder) opened up a window of opportunity for Sun Buster to conquer the beast. A flying elbow off the top rope finished Vegetius, and Sun Buster and Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder celebrated together in the ring.

The Hero celebration would be short-lived, however, as the nefarious Dr. Cube broke up the party, dissed Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder's mother, and threw water on the Hero to extinguish his internal furnace. In a perhaps even more fiendish display, Cube even had the gall to run down the city of Philadelphia, their local sports teams, and even their most prized exports, Darryl Hall and John Oates. Finally, the Bad Doctor introduced his half-gerbil, half-toucan abomination known as Tucor, as he was set to take on the high-flying Hero Intern '08.

Hero Intern '08 had yet to lose a match in his brief career, but that streak looked to be in serious jeopardy when Tucor trapped the Intern inside a building and blasted him with a double beakhandle from the top rope. But somehow, the Intern managed to kick out. Perhaps spurred on by the support of Kaiju Hero Dusto Bunny, who was at ringside, the Intern broke free of the building, nailed Tucor with his finisher, a devastating sunset flip powerbomb dubbed "The Pistol Whip", and got the hard-earned pin.

Since making his uninvited Kaiju debut in New York a few months ago, human wrestler Chris Hero has made life for the Kaiju Heroes quite the living hell. Kaiju Heroes such as Dusto Bunny, Tadd Bradley, Robox and Super Wrong have all felt the force of the gaijin grappler, and tonight looked to be no exception, as he was set to take on one half of the Kaiju Double Danger Tandem Title holders, American Beetle. Sure, Beetle was arguably one of the most formidable fighters in all of Kaiju Big Battel, but even the most ardent supporters of the Kaiju Heroes had their doubts going up against Chris Hero.

But in the city where the Liberty Bell tolls, American Beetle came out fighting like only a true American Hero can. He dazzled the human with a staggering array of rights and lefts, and stunned Hero with an immaculate spinning headscissors. Chris Hero would not be beaten so easily, however. The supersized human came back with his own assault of cravats, power moves and devastating building blasts to the face of American Beetle. When Beetle missed the Statue of Liberty off the top rope, Hero looked to finish off the American Hero, but Beetle countered with a surprise small-package pin and got the victory! Hero was bested by the Beetle this night, but who knows when the gaijin grappler will strike again!

Finally, the time for the main event showdown had come. Neo Teppen arrived in Philadelphia as the new Kaiju Grand Champion, but Uchu Chu wanted to make sure he didn't leave Philly that way. For the first time in Kaiju Big Battel history, the holders of the Le European, Double Danger Tandem and Kaiju Grand Championships would face off in the same match.

Fortunately, although a Battel of such intergalactic proportions could destroy the entire Universe, Chikara referee Bryce Remsburg (filling in for the injured Jingi) was present to make sure things wouldn't get too far out of hand. Although he certainly tried hard, he failed miserably. Within minutes, the Swarm brought a ladder into the fighto, and Powa Ranjuru attempted to even the score with some mayhem of her own. Despite her best efforts, her attempts to help Neo Teppen got them nowhere. Pixie dust, hammers, ladders, nothing could seem to put Uchu Chu away for good.

The tide turned against the Kaiju Heroes, however, when a devastating aerial attack by Neo Teppen was dodged by Uchu Chu and hit Powa Ranjuru instead, knocking her out cold. Amidst the chaos of the Salbinos trying to get Powa out of the ring, Uchu executed an amazing moonsault kick to the ladder, causing it to crash down on everyone, including Neo Teppen. The Space Bug took the opportunity to nail Teppen with two sunset flips, the former onto the unforgiving steel ramp outside the ring, and the latter back into the ring to secure the hard-earned pinfall victory and the Kaiju Grand Championship!

Neo Teppen's reign as Kaiju Grand Champion was a short one, but he'll do whatever it takes to recapture the belt. He'd get his opportunity the next week in New York. But on this night in Philadelphia, we saw Plantains get revenge, Sun Buster overcome the odds, Hero Intern '08 take the next step towards becoming a true Kaiju Hero, the spirit of America triumph over the evil Chris Hero, and a Space Bug add another belt to his collection. Once again, on this epic night in Philadelphia, Danger Happened!

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New, Improved Boston Massacre Show Report!!!

After recent exciting excursions to New York and Providence, Kaiju Big Battel finally returned home to Boston on May 10th, 2008 to the Roxy for "The New and Improved Boston Massacre."As the saying goes, Saturday night is alright for fighto, and this night was no exception, as fans were treated to an evening of attempted rabbit mutilation, electric guitar hot-potato, time travel, water balloon violence, flower petal blizzards and more monster mayhem than you can shake an ice cream cone at. The evening also featured the debut of the newest member of the Kaiju family, Referee Nikuman, who takes the reins while Senior Official Jingi recovers from his injuries sustained at "Danger Strikes Back" last month.

The night kicked off with a fluffy fighto, as Dr. Cube's hideous hybrid Tucor took on Kaiju Hero Dusto Bunny. The hard-hitting hare seemed to be on his way to victory with the Bunny Shot from the top rope, but Dr. Cube's minions decided to get involved and pushed the leaping lagomorph off the turnbuckle. Just as it looked like Dusto was about to unwillingly make a donation to Tucor's hideous new rabbit's foot necklace, his Yokosuka Jump Squadron teammate Super Wrong came to the rescue. With the help of the futuristic funky freak, Dusto danced away with the win.

The Hero Intern '08 entered his second Kaiju match without his trusty guitar "Jiro," which had been stolen earlier in the month and pawned off to the evil Dr. Cube. But what the Intern was lacking in heavy metal firepower, he made up for in fighting spirit, which he'd need a whole lot of in his showdown with The Grudyin. Even given The Grudyin's sharp new wrestling singlet, the Intern somehow scored the major upset. The celebration would be short lived for the guitar Hero-in-training, as Dr. Cube made his presence felt, hinting not-so-subtly that he wasn't planning on standing pat for the rest of the night.

The next fighto saw two of Kaiju's biggest and baddest mix it up with stars from Chikara Pro. The gargantuan space pirate Sekmet tagged up with Los Ice Creams to take on Kaiju Hero Slo Feng and the the Osirian Portal in the Boston Cream Massacre. Despite the incredible teamwork of the creepy cone heads and the unmatched power of the monolithic marauder, the team of Slo Feng, Ophidian and Amasis got the win in an exciting, high-flying match. As Socrates once said, "You can bring a space pirate to the party, but ice cream will always melt under the hot Egyptian sun."

The raucous Roxy crowd was pumped to see Uchu Chu the Space Bug defend his Le European Championship against Kaiju Hero French Toast in what promised to be a technical mat classic, but the Space Bug leader managed to sneak a quick upset win over the Parisian Powerhouse. French Toast might've just been an appetizer for Uchu Chu, but the Swarm and Yarsminko decided he'd make a good meal and tried to eat the fallen Hero! Fortunately for the French one, Powa Ranjuru came out to the rescue, and challenged Uchu to a match for the European title. It was a knock-down, drag-out affair featuring water balloons, staple guns and step ladders, but Uchu Chu managed to get the hard-earned victory and retain his title.

Finally, it was time for the main event. The Kaiju Commissioner declared Neo Teppen the number-one contender to Call-Me-Kevin's Kaiju Championship, which did not sit well with Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder or Dr. Cube. To avoid a repeat of "Danger Strikes Back" a month earlier when the Iron Brothers disrupted the main event, and to pacify Boulder's complaints, the Steam Powered Hero was given the task of being the special guest ringside enforcer to prevent any more fightus interruptus. And enforce he did, as attempted interference from the Sea Amigos and the Iron Brothers was swiftly dealt with by the unmatched power of Boulder. Unfortunately, Dr. Cube isn't a Doctor for nothing; the evil mastermind did his homework and identified Boulder's weakness. Cube doused him with water, extinguished his flame, stopped the rock, and began to wreak havoc on the fighto in progress.

Call-Me-Kevin and Neo Teppen had already been going at each other in an intense showdown even before Dr. Cube showed his mangled face. With the Boulder bouncer taken care of, the fresh Cube easily got the advantage on both weary competitors. It seemed as though, despite not even being in the match, the Bad Doctor would be leaving the Roxy with the Kaiju Championship instead of Teppen or CMK! Just when things looked their most bleak, however, the Hero Intern '08 came out to settle his score with Cube, and fed him a steady diet of electric guitar to the face. With the diabolical doctor out of the picture, Teppen and CMK resumed their epic encounter. Call-Me-Kevin put up a valiant fight, but in the end, he was no match for the intergalactic super powers of Neo Teppen. Nikuman counted the three, the hand was raised, and a new champion was crowned in Boston!

When all was said and done, the Kaiju Heroes had a largely successful night. Although both French Toast and Powa Ranjuru fell to Uchu Chu, the heroes scored some big wins. Dusto Bunny defeated Tucor, the Hero Intern recovered his precious guitar, Slo Feng saved Boston from certain dairy doom with the help of Ophidian and the Funky Pharaoh, and most importantly, Neo Teppen captured the Kaiju Championship in a match for the ages. But not everything is bright and sunny in Hero-land. Dusto may have left the Roxy with both of his feet, but he's nowhere closer to finding out who hired the Iron Brothers and cost him his shot at the title last month in Providence. Powa Ranjuru fought valiantly, but Uchu Chu appears to be back with a vengeance, and surely has set his sights on the Double Danger Tag Tandem and Kaiju Championship titles to go with his current hardware. Human wrestler Chris Hero didn't show his face in Boston this night, but surely he won't be out of sight for long. And perhaps worst of all, Dr. Cube is still on the war path, which will undoubtedly lead to Philadelphia and New York this summer as Kaiju is set to devastate in June!

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Marmit Sky Deviler Variants to be featured at WizardWorld Philly!!!

Come to WizardWorld in Philly to see the Marmit Sky Deviler vinyl figure!

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Most Danger Spring!

The Kaiju Commissioner is thrilled to announce the next three cities to host Kaiju Big Battel, the world’s only live monster wrestling spectacle. The Kaiju Heroes will be ready to spring into action on May 10th at the Roxy in the heart of Boston. Then, Dr. Cube and his Posse of mischievous mutants will invade downtown Philadelphia on June 1st at the Trocadero. And if Kaiju Grand Champion, Call-Me-Kevin, can survive, he will defend his Kaiju Championship title June 7th at Webster Hall in Manhattan. For Battel lineups, exclusive commentary, and the latest developments on Kaiju favorites, head over to kaiju.com.

What: Kaiju Big Battel with special guests from CHIKARA PRO

Musical Guest: DJ Clashious Clay

Where: The Roxy, 279 Tremont Street, Boston, MA. 02116

When: Saturday, May 10^th. 7:00 Doors. 8:00 Show.

Tickets: $20. Ticketmaster. This is an 18+ event.

What: Kaiju Big Battel with special guest Chris Hero

Musical Guest: Harry and the Potters and DJ Clashious Clay

Where: The Trocadero, 1003 Arch St. Philadelphia, PA 19107

When: Sunday June 1^st, Doors 3:00PM. 4:00PM Show.

Tickets: $19.50. Ticketmaster. All Ages.

What: Kaiju Big Battel

Musical Guest: Ronald Regan and DJ Clashious Clay

Where: Webster Hall, 125 East 11^th St. Manhattan, NY, 10003

When: Saturday, June 7^th. 6:00PM Doors. 7:00PM Show.

Tickets: $25. Ticketmaster. This is a 16+ event.

About Kaiju Big Battel

Kaiju Big Battel is a modern conflict of epic proportions. Planet Earth is under threat: scattered throughout the galaxy is a monstrous mob of maniacal villains, menacing alien beasts, and giant, city-crushing monsters that are waging war against one another. Presiding over this mayhem is the Kaiju Commissioner, an enigmatic human-arbiter appointed by a clandestine cadre of world leaders to regulate Kaiju rage. If the Kaiju Commissioner doesn’t do his job perfectly the entire world could get caught in the crossfire.

Currently, the Kaiju Universe maintains an active roster of approximately 50 monsters, including a factory-worker-turned-soup-can called Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, a dirty hare-sage dubbed Dusto Bunny, a loser sea beast known as Call-Me-Kevin, and a despicable, square-headed mad scientist known as Dr. Cube. In addition to the Kaiju Commissioner, a few privileged humans also get a piece of the action, including Referee Jingi, a mustachioed official who enforces fairness and civility in the ring, Davio Salbino, an urban renewal expert who reconstructs crumbled cityscapes between Battels, and one tuxedo-wearing, mouth-running MC, Louden Noxious.

About Studio Kaiju

Studio Kaiju, an independent Boston-based performance and media group, is the creator of Kaiju Big Battel, the world’s only live monster mayhem spectacle. Producer of consistently sold-out events, Studio Kaiju is best known for its live tournament-style performances, which are a character driven, tongue-in-cheek hybrid of American pro-wrestling, Japanese monster-movies, and lowbrow pop-culture. These multi-media events, complete with video installations, monster-movie props, a towering "Danger Cage", and crushable miniature cityscape, can also be enjoyed from a safe distance thanks to "Kaiju Big Battel: A Practical Guide to Giant City-Crushing Monsters" from Hyperion Books and the Kaiju Big Battel DVD series.

To fund its live event series, monster creations and metropolitan destruction, Studio Kaiju produces and distributes its own line of merchandise including T-shirts, "real" monster meat, magnets and a whole catalogue of other cool but useless, limited-edition designer collectibles. The world of Kaiju Big Battel is also supported by the fun-fun website, kaiju.com, which hosts Big Battel news, monster profiles, live event videos, arcade-style games, comics, and the most commercial online mall ever.

About Harry and the Potters

Imagine if Harry Potter quit the quidditch team and started a punk rock band.  Take that one step further and imagine that he stole a time-turner and decided to start that band with himself from a different point in time.  This is the premise of Harry and the Potters which brings Massachusetts-based brothers Paul and Joe DeGeorge together as Harry Year 7 and Harry Year 4, a rock and roll band that has captured the literary-minded ears of people all over the world.

Harry and the Potters started on a whim in 2002, an impromptu performance in their parent’s backyard for a few friends.  Since then, they have released three full-length albums and have toured extensively within the United States, performing in every state with the exception of Hawaii.  A sense of adventure has brought them to play in all manner of venues, including rock clubs, theaters, galleries, museums, bookstores, doughnut shops, pizza places, and even a pirate-supply store.  But perhaps they are best know for their relentless touring of libraries.  For each of the past four summers, Harry and the Potters have loaded up their van and embarked on cross-country tours that feature libraries as their venue of choice.  These tours are celebrations of reading and rocking and would often see the band posting Summer Reading Lists and exchanging Harry and the Potters toothbrushes for book reports authored by fans.  Their energetic live shows bring together people of all ages and seem to answer the question, "What would happen if Bruce Springsteen had been reincarnated as a boy wizard?" 

Their enthusiasm and DIY-approach to rock and roll has inspired Harry Potter fans to create their own songs around the boy wizard.  A genre, known as Wizard Rock, has emerged in the past few years, and it now boasts nearly 500 bands, all performing songs based on the Harry Potter books.  Harry and the Potters were recently featured subjects in the "We Are Wizards" documentary which premiered at SXSW in March 2008.  The documentary follows many of the influential figures in the creative Harry Potter subculture and will be screening at film festivals this spring.  They continue their adventures this summer with their Unlimited Enthusiasm Expo ’08, a 45-date tour that will bring a their traveling DIY summer camp across the country for all ages shows everywhere.

About Ronald Reagan

"Ronald Reagan" aims to revitalize America’s economy by promoting large tax cuts, moderate deregulation, reductions in inflation, and a revival of 80’s pop music. Following undistinguished careers in film, actors-turned-saxophonists Kelly Roberge and Alec Spiegelman recruited an ensemble of Boston’s finest rock musicians to the 13-piece ensemble that they named "Ronald Reagan". However, only a short time into the bands existence, the sidemen went on strike, violating a band regulation prohibiting critical players from striking. Declaring the situation an emergency, analogous to those described in the 1947 Taft Hartley Act, "Ronald Reagan" held a press conference in which Kelly and Alec stated that if the musicians did not return to work within forty-eight hours, they have forfeited their jobs, and will be terminated. Two days later, "Ronald Reagan" fired the 11 striking musicians who had ignored the order to return to work. Historians cite this as one of the biggest setbacks to the power of organized labor in 80’s pop cover band history. "Ronald Reagan" currently performs as a saxophone duo, and is currently seeking Boston’s finest (non-union) musicians to complete the band in anticipation of a 2008 tour to Grenada.

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DANGER STRIKES BACK Battel Commentary

Danger Strikes Back. What a fitting Battel name. New Heroes debuted, injured favorites returned, legendary officials fell, and Lupo’s Heartbreak Hotel will never be the safe again. Danger was on the menu, and Providence, Rhode Island ordered a double danger burger with monster cheese, hold the pickles.

 ..

D.W. Cycloptopuss III issued an open challenge to any Kaiju Hero, and to sea beast’s surprise, Hero Intern ’08 made his first ever Big Battel appearance. Equipped with a guitar, the rocking rookie was without the guidance of a Kaiju mentor. Surprisingly, HI-8 held his own until an infuriated Cycloptopuss tackled him to the ground. Unibouzu was called to ringside and the two Sea Amigos dismantled HI-8 until Tadd Bradley made an unexpected return. Against physician’s orders, the Hawaiian paddler took it to Unibouzu when D.W. dove from the top of the cage, taking out everyone, including referee Jingi. Louden Noxious stopped the match, and the Salbinos carried Jingi away on the stretcher. Unable to find a suitable replacement, Louden determined that the great Kaiju fans would have to make the three count to end each fighto. D.W. tried to capitalize on the confusion, but HI-8 scored a huge upset, pinning Cycloptopuss in the middle of the cage. Perhaps the most impressive debut in Kaiju history, the Hero Intern ’08 could quickly move up the ranks into Kaiju Grand Championship contention.

 ..

The Double Danger Tandem Titles were defended next when Neo Teppen and American Beetle squashed the team of Yarsminko and Dai Hachi Hachi. Team Space Bug put up a heck of a fight, but an inebriated Yarsminko seemed lost without the guidance of Uchu Chu. On multiple occasions Dai Hachi Hachi came close to pinning Neo Teppen, but after an American Beetle assisted Authority Punt, the heroic champions performed a devastating towering tandem elbow drop which was enough to keep the bee down. After defeated Team Space Bug two shows in a row, surely Neo Teppen and American Beetle will be looking for some fresh competition.

 ..

Louden Noxious received an update on Jingi’s condition, telling the audience that the doctor’s at Harsbo’s Children Hospital didn’t think that he would live. They had already used the jaws of life and an iron lung, and there wasn’t much else that could be done to keep him alive. Regardless, Louden introduced the next contest, which was scheduled to be Super Wrong versus Dino Kang Jr. However, when Dino Kang was about to enter the Danger Cage, he was ambushed by Chris Hero, who then usurped his spot in the match. The futuristic figurante put on his best performance to date, getting under Hero’s skin with his dance moves, but Hero once again proved he could hang in the Kaiju Big Ring. After he defeated Super Wrong, Louden asked Hero exactly what he intended to do in Kaiju. Hero explained that his New York Blackout assault on Dusto Bunny and Tadd Bradley caught the eye of the Commissioner who wanted to sign Hero to a Kaiju contract to avoid any future attacks. Hero, however, has a long list of demands for the Commissioner, and until they are met, promises to wreck havoc in the Kaiju universe.

 ..

Sun Buster, looking to exact some revenge on Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, gave the Colorado Crusher a run for his money, but came up short in the night’s Black Box Fighto. Sun Buster immediately went for the Black Boxes, using weapons to gain an advantage over Boulder, but the former Hero Intern couldn’t knock the rock off his feet. Finally, Sun Buster introduced a bucket of water into the Danger Cage, and splashed Boulder, extinguishing the flame that lights his furnace. Sun Buster jumped on Boulder, but Boulder fell forward, inadvertently winning the match. Louden asked the audience for lighters and was able to relight Boulder’s flame. Even though Boulder has his grate set on the Kaiju Grand Championship, this rivalry has become downright personal and is far from over.

Louden Noxious introduced the Kaiju wireless Rock Band, but before they could perform, Dr. Cube, who vowed he would not return to Providence, made his shocking presence felt. He revealed that he came to Danger Strikes Back simply to dispel the rumors that he would be involved in the main event fighto between Dusto Bunny and Call-Me-Kevin. Kaiju Heroes were extremely suspicious that Cube and his Posse might get involved after the Grudyin defeated Call-Me-Kevin at New York Blackout. Cube then had his minions throw out Chumps courtesy of Kid Robot to the audience, but the boxes were empty. Such malice did not go unnoticed, nor did Dr. Cube’s intimations that he was the mastermind behind Jingi’s injuries.

 ..

Dusto Bunny pushed Call-Me-Kevin to the limits, but the lucky lobster managed to retain the Kaiju Grand Championship. The competitive fighto could have gone either way until the Iron Bros. returned to Kaiju, seemingly hired to destroy the Kaiju Grand Champion. Dusto Bunny, frustrated by this strange turn of events, left the fighto. Because there was no referee, the Iron Bros. took turns laying out Call-Me-Kevin. Finally, Dusto Bunny decided to put his differences aside, and cleared house, living up to his Hero name. Call-Me-Kevin capitalized on his opponent as he threw Brother Claw out of the cage, bashing him with a building. Once CMK hit the leap of crustacean, referee Jingi returned to the cage bandaged up to make the final three count.

 ..

Many questions still remain unanswered. How will the Sea Amigos rectify their losing streak? Did Tadd Bradley aggravate any of his recently healed wounds? Will Hero Intern ’08 quickly rise the ranks with his rock star poses? Who will be the next contenders for the DDT Titles? Where is Uchu Chu? Will the Commissioner be able to sign Chris Hero to a Kaiju contract before he strikes again? Can Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder finally challenge Call-Me-Kevin for the Kaiju Grand Championship? And speaking of CMK, who sent the Iron Bros. after him? How awesome is the DANGER STRIKES BACK 2-color glow-in-the-dark poster? Perhaps most importantly, will Boston, Massachusetts be prepared for danger when Kaiju Big Battel returns on May 10^th?

12:00 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

The 99th Problem: Dr. Cube Interview

Perhaps the most dangerous of all participants in Kaiju Big Battel is Dr. Cube, the product of abominable experiments in eugenics. The sinister Cube, along with his Posse of engineered monsters and his army of clone Minions, menaces all of KBB and the Earth with his schemes, and I was surprised -- and alarmed -- when my investigations yielded the opportunity to interview (at great personal risk) history's vilest villain. I was left shaken by the experience, memorialized below.

One of your creations, the twisted mockery of life called the Grudyin, defeated Call-Me-Kevin at New York Blackout Battel, but selected the wrong prize box, and Call-Me-Kevin retained the Kaiju Championship Belt. What went wrong, and what are you doing to remedy the situation?

There are Dr.-Cube-themed items available for purchase by humans, including "Danger Can Happen" baby blue Brazilian panties. To what nefarious purpose are you devoting the funds generated by sales of such items?

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Sour Grapes or Humble Pie? One Member of the Sea Amigos Will Be Eating Their Words

    When Unibouzu debuted in Kaiju Big Battel he made a big splash, swimming right up the ranks. He has always been a top contender for the Kaiju Grand Championship and his storied rivalries with Kung Fu Chicken Noodle and Dr. Cube's Posse have produced two title reigns for the radioactive sea urchin. He is responsible for D.W. Cycloptopuss III's return to Kaiju after a lengthy absence and Unibouzu also introduced Piscon7-native, Call-Me-Kevin, to the Big Battel. Together, the wet set became known as the Sea Amigos. While each maritime monster has shared success individually, as a whole, the faction is floundering. 

    Problems arose when Unibouzu and the clam-scented Cycloptopuss were split at Shpadoinkel Mania XVIII. Up until that point, the underwater unit swimmingly supported Unibouzu in his self-indulgent search for success. As a result of a miscommunication perpetrated by the clumsy Call-Me-Kevin (and some overlooked print in the contact for the Double Danger Tandem Championship), Hell Monkey and Cycloptopuss were declared the winners of the contest. Without his educated espionage enforcer D.W. by his side, Unibouzu was forced to rely on his incompetent crustacean companion to do his bidding. While the scholarly Cycloptopuss remained a successful champion, Unibouzu sunk with his soggy sidekick Kevin, until More Better Fighto when the tides turned.

    Somehow after racking up more losses than any other Kaiju Big Battel competitor, the lucky lobster found himself in the finals of the Podcasto Tournament, squaring off against Uchu Chu for the Kaiju Grand Championship. Call-Me-Kevin was outnumbered by the Swarm, who interfered on their leader's behalf. This brought out Unibouzu, who did not appear to assist D.W. Cycloptopuss earlier in the night when he lost the DDT Titles, to help his crabby cohort. Through perseverance, a little aid from his partner, and the support of a sold out New York crowd, Call-Me-Kevin was able to manage the unimaginable when he defeated the former Grand Champion, Uchu Chu, in his first ever win. Since then, D.W. has rejoined his briny brethren, but the damp camp may be in hot water.

    At New York Blackout, when Unibouzu had his fins full with Slo Feng, he phoned fellow fighter Call-Me-Kevin for relief, but the busy barnacle blew him off. Later in the evening, when Call-Me-Kevin was hankering for a helping hand against in the Kaiju Grand Championship match against the Grudyin, his Battel buddies left him drowning. They trapped his claws, leaving Call-Me-Kevin vulnerable to a sadistic strike combination from Dr. Cube's creation. The genetic monstrosity was able to soundly defeat Call-Me-Kevin but was unable to secure the Kaiju Grand Championship. Following Blackout, it was speculated on Kaiju.com that the Sea Amigos had split, days before the threesome is set to appear at the CHIKARA King Of Trios Tournament. Recent developments have surfaced however, which seemingly confirm the opposite.

    Beav Wallace was able to conduct an exclusive interview with Unibouzu who was more than willing to share his side of the story. Unibouzu claims that he "voluntarily left Kaiju Grand Championship contention" in order to groom Call-Me-Kevin for competition. Unibouzu feels that Call-Me-Kevin's recent string of success has "gone to his head" and that the crustacean champion needs to remember who brought him to the battel to begin with. Unibouzu asserts that he is the "undisputed head honcho" of the Sea Amigos, despite his recent loss at New York Blackout, because Cycloptopuss and Call-Me-Kevin would be "nowhere without his help." Unibouzu insists that Call-Me-Kevin "needed to be humbled" and now that he knows his place, Unibouzu will lead his team to victory at the CHIKARA King of Trios Tournament.

     After hearing these comments, Louden Noxious decided to get Call-Me-Kevin's perspective on this potential problem. Call-Me-Kevin thinks that Unibouzu is "only out for himself" and that he and D.W. were enlisted to "do his dirty work." Call-Me-Kevin reiterated the fact that Unibouzu "is a renowned glory hog" and that he held his partners back so that he could shine in the spotlight. Call-Me-Kevin blames Unibouzu for his loss to Slo Feng at New York Blackout citing that "he can't get the job done alone" anymore. Call-Me-Kevin knows that "Unibouzu is jealous" of his success but is confident that the two will be able to "work out all differences" before the Trios Tournament. Call-Me-Kevin isn't concerned with being the leader of the Sea Amigos, because he is currently the "boss of the Big Battel."

     D.W. Cycloptopuss III has opted to "stay neutral" while his two teammates clash. He acknowledges that his degree in social sciences would certainly make him a prime candidate to moderate but he "remain[s] confident" his comrades will come to a compromise on their own. He is "pleased to be back" with his beach-bound brothers after teaming with Hell Monkey for just over a year, and denies any knowledge of Hell Monkey's whereabouts. Cycloptopuss realizes that he will not only be representing the Sea Amigos at CHIKARA'S King of Trios, but the entire Kaiju Big Battel roster. He admits he is concerned that Dr. Cube will try and spread his propaganda at the Trios Tournament since it is an uncharted territory, especially because the Grudyin came up short against Call-Me-Kevin.

     With the Trios tournament just days away, the Sea Amigos will need to be on the same page if they want to go down in the history books. Each member has already proven to be successful when separate, so surely the triumvirate could be triumphant together. Their first round opponents, The Order of the Neo Solar Temple, were able to coerce the confused Zombie Plantain to work with them at CHIKARA's Two Eyebrows Are Better than One last month. The Sea Amigos are at a definite mental disadvantage since The Order, led by UltraMantis Black, know their opponents are headed for rocky shores. It is likely that UltraMantis Black (using his infallible logic and his supernatural staff) will try and exploit this weakness to ensure The Order moves on. Nevertheless, if the aquatic associates can wage war as one, the Sea Amigos may prove to be stronger than ever.

6:24 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Cockadoodle... Dude!

Tadd Braddley, who ruffled some feathers during the RoBox Robolimination Rumble, won't be catching rays any time soon. Human fighter Chris Hero, who was ejected from New York Blackout, cold-cocked the Hawaiian Paddler, putting him in the coop indefinitely. Hero made waves with a Cannonball Splash and a Mauna Loa-sized suplex leaving the roughed up rooster with a cracked comb, a busted beak, and a torn wattle. It's a safe bet that until Bradley is ready to do Battel or rip a few curls, he's going to be in a fowl mood.

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The Sea Amigos in CHIKARA’s King Of Trios!

The Sea Amigos had a rough NY Blackout, with Unibouzu and D.W. Cycloptopuss turning on Kaiju Champion Call-Me-Kevin. It is something of a shock then that the Amigos are scheduled to take part in Chikara Pro's King of Trios Tournament.

On 2/29-3/2, live from the New Alhambra Arena in Philadelphia, PA, Chikara Pro Wrestling will proudly present a tournament so massive it can only be completed over a three-day period. It's the King Of Trios, featuring almost a hundred competitors from the far reaches of the Universe, including the murkiest oceanic depths. Get your tickets now to see if troubled waters will run deep for Kaiju's saltiest sea beasts.

3:05 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment