Shame, shame, forever shame...
Category: Sports

This may be the last blog for a while.

It's hard to sum up the disappointment that comes with an announcement like this. 

I love Jan Ullrich.  I love him for his class. I love him for all the shit he eats from the press.  I love him because he couldn't beat the arrogant Texan with a baseball bat, but Jesus did he try.  I also love him for his near-genius ability to fuck things up no matter how much natural talent God gave him, and always seemingly at the last moment.

But I hate this, and regardless of what comes out of this, Jan definitely had contact with that sleazy doctor, and Jan definitely lied about it.  Innocent until proven guilty, but if you're T-Mobile, and staring at a very likely Tour de France victory, everything you've dumped hundreds of millions of dollars into for the last five years, you don't pull Jan out of the Tour unless you've seen some pretty hard evidence.  And then for CSC to pull Basso AFTER Jan is already gone?  Ivan Basso was nearly guaranteed a free ride to the Yellow Jersey with Jan gone, so don't tell me CSC didn't see something scary.

This is a disappointment on many levels for me, but it's a slap in the face to everyone who loves the sport, to every CAT racer out there grinding it out in Nowhereland for a place on a rickety plywood podium, and everyone who just gets out and rides.

If I'm going to cheer for anyone, I'm going to cheer for David Millar, who has been brutally honest about what he did, and is now trying to ride the Grand Boucle without anything in his bloodstream, unlike God-knows-how-many other riders in the peloton.

Thanks for reading, let's hope Jan and Ivan get themselves straightened out, and lets hope for the best Tour de France in 20 years.

Get out and ride.

5:55 AM - 91 Comments - 108 Kudos - Add Comment

Quit being harshing the Jan's buzz.

Listen, OK, the Jan was just going to be taking this time to be preparing for the Tour.  It is only being in like, some days from now.  The Jan must be focused! 

It is kind of being like those dreams where you are at the last day of school and suddenly you are realizing that you have not been being studied for your final in the Maths, and you are all like, "Oh, the Jan is totally fuschieked now!"  And then the principal is being calling you to his office, and it is not being the principal, but instead it is being the bearer of the One True Ball!  And he is being very angry, and he is being pulling down your lederhosen and spanking you, and your Grandmama is there and she is being crying in shame, and then you are waking up and you are being covered in sweat and you are doing the heavy breathing thing from the movies, and then your girlfriend is being like, "Hey, the Jan, first of all, thanks for the totally great sexes you are always being giving me, you are being the best with the sex," and then you are all like, "Ja, the Jan is being good at the sexes.  It is known."  And then she is being like, "Hey, what's the matter?"  And you are all like, "I was being crying, and the Lance was spanking the Jan's tushy in front of the Nana, and, and..."  And then she is being like, "Hey, shhh...  There, there now.  You were just having a bad dream.  Come on now, there, there..."  And then she is hugging you, and you are feeling better.  But then, the camera is slowly zooming in, and, geschissen!  She is not being the girlfriend.  She is the Lance!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Man, the Jan just blew his own fucking mind.

OK, listen, the point is, the Jan is trying to be focusing, and instead, he is getting the hammering by all the press.  Did the Jan take drugs?  When did the Jan take drugs?  Hey Jan, we are hearing that you are being totally awesome at the sexes, care to comment?  (That question is being acceptable.)

For once and the all, let the Jan put this straight.  The Jan did not take the performance-enhancing drugs.  Listen, if it was being the offseason, the Jan would be totally like, "Hey bro-ham, are you being holding?  Suh-weeet.  The Jan is being having the rolling papers if you are being having the weed."  The Jan is being liking to party, and to do the disco dancing, it is well known.

But the Jan does not do the transfusions of blood, or the micro-injections of EPO, or the eating of the horse testicles for strength. 

The Jan is being a simple man.  The Jan takes in schnitzel and beer, and outputs death and pain.  It is being that simple.

People are being trying to distract the Mighty Jan.  They are gnats circling around the head of a giant.  It is not even being worth the time it would take to pull off their legs and force feed them to their children.  You may try to distract the mighty Jan, you may try to beat him down with your lies, with your rumors, with your inuendos, but your words are being raindrops on the back of a mountain.

People of France, gather your children.  Run to the hills.  For the Jan is coming.  And death rides with him.

1:58 PM - 32 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

The Jan has answers.

You know, people are always being saying to the Jan, "Oh god!  Oh God, NO!  Please!  Please God, have mercy!  I don't even know you!  Why would you do that?  Someone HELP....  aargggchhhhh...."

Also, one time, a guy was being saying to the Jan, "Hey, the Jan."

And the Jan was like, "Yes, mortal."

And the guy was like, "Hey, you should totally be doing a mailbag sometime."

And the Jan was like, "You bore me.  The Jan will see your kidneys now."

But later, when the Jan had washed off, I thought, "This is maybe being a good idea.  Yes, the Jan shall do a mailbag." 

So the Jan had the sweet sex with a bag of mail.  This was not, in fact, a good idea.  What can the Jan say, things got weird.

But the Jan is here to answer your questions.  Go ahead, the Jan is always listening.  And watching.

Q:  Dear the Jan, you are being so great and totally awesome.  I am a worm beneath the unholy heel of your clipless pedal shoes.  Should I be taking the drugs to match one tenth of your awesome, earth shattering power?  - Steve from Vancouver

A:  Yes.

Q:  Oh great and mighty Jan, who doth fill this vale of tears with fire and death with every stroke of your massive thighs, why do you ride such big gears. - Eli from Valencia

A.  Because the cycling is pain.  The cycling is soul crushing pain.  The cycling is meant to make mothers weep, to make children scream, to crush the souls of the weak.  The cycling is not spin class.  Sure the Jan could ride a gear that is being the size of a tea cup, like Marinara Boy Basso, but the Jan is not here to dance.  The Jan is here to reap. 

Q.  Oh my cruel dark lord, the Jan, master of all that dies and is never reborn.  What is with Dave Zabriskie? - Sara from, um, the Antartica.

A.  The Jan is having no idea.  Dave Zabriskie is being the only mortal on this earth that is giving the Jan the willies.  The Jan sees him in the interviews and it is like, dude, that guy is totally being a psycho robot.  He is being having less personality than a roll of carpet.  Personally, the Jan thinks he is being invented by Bjarne Riis and the CSC as an android who feels no pain, which is being the only way he is coming close to challenging the Jan in the time trials.

Q.  Oh the Jan, you are dark and evil and blah, blah, etc., etc.  So.  What was with "The Look" everyone talks about that the Lance was being giving you in the 2001 Tour?  Shoe - from, oh, let's say, Closet

A.  Yes, well, it may be being hard for to you to be believing, but even with one ball, that guy is still a massive dick.

6:18 AM - 25 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

The Basso's fear is smelling like cigarettes and back hair. No, wait. That's just the Basso.

I am the Jan. I am the Destroyer of Worlds.

So, fuck ja.  The Jan is being rocking the road, bros.  If you are not being hearing yet, the Jan is totally living up to his yearbook pledge of having a K/A summer.  Of course, in the Jan's yearbook there were also many entreaties to "Stay Sweet," which the Jan was obviously ignoring.

Another Tour de Suisse in the can, and now it is being time for the Suisse-France double.  Only the Mighty Uniballed One has done it, back in 2001, and before that, only Merckxxkexa-7.  (Note to self: the Jan must learn to spell more things better-y.)

They are being loving the Jan in Switzerland, which is being kind of weird because the Swiss are being like the Vanilla Ice Cream of nations, while if the Jan were an ice cream, he would be the Chocolate Double Fudge with Chunks of Blood and Baby Tears.  But whatever, the Jan is being cool with it.

There was being much rain and wind and lightning when Jan did begin to pedal yesterday, but that was totally being the Jan's fault.  The Jan must be careful when pedaling, for when the Jan's massive thighs begin to spin so close together, they are creating a low pressure system centered on the Jan's "special place" that is often causing massive weather anomalies and atmospheric disturbances.  It can be embarassing.  There have been many cases where the Jan is being totally breaking it down on the dance floor, and then busts out with the Jan's favorite move, the Roger Rabbit, and then whole villages are blown away into ash and smoke, and for nights afterward there are being many sightings of strange lights in the sky.

So, the Jan saw that the CSC won the Team Time Trial in Eindhoven yesterday.  Ooooooooooo.

Please.

The T-Mobile plan was actually being for Jan to compete in both events yesterday, and for the Team Time Trial the entire T-Mobile team would simply crawl onto the Jan's back, and then hold onto each other like some giant pink sphere of pain, and the Jan would just carry them the whole way.  We even thought of maybe just driving the T-Mobile team bus onto my back and the Jan could just carry that, but when we tried it, little Matty Kessler started crying and said he was being scared and then he wouldn't get in the bus, and I'm like, Bro!  Get in the fucking bus!  I am, like, already having the bus on my back!  You better get freaking in there, crap face!  But he wouldn't. 

Sheep.  The Jan is surrounded by sheep.

On the good news, the Jan is thinking he going to be starting updating regularly in the run-up to the Tour.  The Jan is thinking of doing a daily update for the Tour, even, and like putting fancy computer internets graphics and stuff on his page.  The Jan is being a little surprised at the many thousands of daily hits he is getting, and he is even breaking the top 100 blogs of the MySpace sometimes, which is meaning that the fans of the Jan are probably mostly a bunch of 40 year-old pederasts and maybe only 17 people who actually are liking to ride the bikes.

12:24 PM - 32 Comments - 46 Kudos - Add Comment

Sweet little Klodi, the Jan has been being missing you.
Current mood: happy

Ja, the Mob is reforming like the Voltron.

Klodi is finally being back from his injury.  The Jan is wanting to take this time now to do some apologizing to his bro, Klodi.  The Jan did not mean to be hurting you so badly, bro, but when the Jan is putting on his patented double-thigh scissor-lock, he is not being doing it half-ass.  Sometimes the Jan can be kind of a dick, he knows, but the Klodi is like the little brother that the Jan never had.  I mean, when you are doing the knee-capping of little Klodi with a rusty tire-iron, he is doing the funniest crying-screeching sound.  He is sounding just like some crazy, sobbing monkey.  It is being soooo hilarious.  And the Jan is always remembering the time he kicked in the door on the T-Mobile bus bathroom when Klodi was in there doing number zwie, and the Jan beat him half to death with a sack of water bottles.  Oh, we laughed and laughed.  Well, ok, maybe just the Jan laughed, because Klodi was being half into a coma at that point, but the Jan knows that if Klodi had been conscious, he would have screech/cried at the obvious funniness of the situation.

As for the earring, though, the Jan is not sorry for ripping that thing out of Klodi's ear.  That thing just looked retarded.

It is being kind of strange, everyone getting back together, cowering in fear, huddling in the back of the bus in terror of one of the Jan's legendary rages, but something's missing.  The Vino isn't here.

The Jan had high hopes for little Vino.  It is being true.  He was being like a little mini-Jan.  Everyone knows the unholy might that is the Jan, they know that the Jan strides this trembling earth like some dark colussus, dealing death and pain with every turn of his massive gear.  But the Vino is being pretty evil too.  He not only is looking like a punk kid who would toilet-paper your grandmother's house and then push her down and steal her purse when she came outside, but he is actually being kind of an asshole, too.  When the Jan dropped a bar of soap inside a sock and then used it to beat the holy living hell out of Klodi, it was always Vino who would be holding him down.  Vino is not on the level of the Jan, of course, but still, he is about 10 pounds of evil in a 5 pound bag, and the Jan will be missing him.

The Mighty Uniballed One, the Lance, is now telling people that he thinks Jan is going to be winning the Tour this year.  To which the Jan is being saying, Ja, no shit, dumbass.

Ivan Basso, Valverde, Floyd Landis, it doesn't matter.  No one can drop the hammers on the climbs AND the time trials like the Jan.  It is being like the Highlander.  Or like Lance's nuts.

There can be only one.

1:59 PM - 16 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Yeesh. There is being steroids in his macaroni.

The Jan must be giving much respect to the hairy one.  Pink Ivan was being very strong today.  He is racing like there is being someone chasing him with a razor and a bar of soap.

Simoni, Salvoldelli, Cunego, Bettini...  The Jan has not seen this much back hair since he was watching King Kong.  When we are being hitting the mountains, and the Italians are beginning the huffing and puffing and the sweating, it is smelling like a donkey's ass.  That is, if the donkey's ass has triple espresso on its breath and a couple of cigarettes are being matted in its ass-hair. 

The Jan had to do the dropping back today just to do the breathing.  I was being all like, "Bros, that is seriously being not cool!"  And Kessler is being all like "Ya, totally.  Right, Jan?  That is not being cool!"  And I was all being like, "Shut up, douche bag."

Seriously.  4 out of 5 doctors recommend Oral B.  The fifth one is being an Italian, and the Jan thinks he is recommending road kill and horse shit.

So ja, Pink Pasta Panties was being looking pretty strong today.  Still, the Jan was only down 5 minutes, and that is being a very good sign this early in the Jan's preparation.  Can the Basso Profundo keep this form until the late days of July?  The Jan is thinking... no.

Still, the Jan is being a totally cool bro right now, and giving the credit where the credit is being due.  Ivan Basso can really climb.  Is is being true, he is not having to carry the extra added weight of a male penis, but he is still a good climber.  And the Jan is not wanting to be graphic, but the Jan is definitely at a disadvantage there, because he is being packing 7 pounds of anaconda meat in his bicycle shorts.  If you are knowing what he is being saying.  Wink, wink. 

(The Jan is saying he is having a big schnitzel.)

6:08 PM - 11 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

Are you being hearing the sound of thunder?

"And lo, when the Jan passes by, there will be a mighty rumble, as though a thousand elephants were falling down a hill.  And the sun will be blotted from the sky by the wings of a thousand ravens, and the hearts of men shall quail, and the hearts of women shall flutter (and then quail), and even the hearts of quail shall quail, and the souls of the weak shall be snuffed out like candles in the wailing wind that follows his passing.  Then shall be the time of the Jan, when he rises from the earth and takes his two thrones, one for each thigh.  And then the world shall weep."  - From the Book of Jan.  Also known as the NecronomiJan.

So ja, the Jan is being back.

I was being thinking to myself this morning, "You know what?  I am going to be kicking some ass today.  Ja, what the hell.  Let's go make some widows."

At first I was going to be doing the time trial on a unicycle, with one of those rainbow clown hair wigs, just to prove that the Jan could do it, but then I thought, no, it is being the time to get serious.  There are being many doubters of the Jan, and they are telling him that he is being too fat, and too old, and that his is having way too many sexes with the hot Italian chicks and that he is simply being too handsome to go fast anymore.

And the Jan is almost believing them.

So the Jan is thinking, why don't we just open up the throttle a little bit, and see what I am being having in the tank.  And it is turning out that when the Jan decides to start crushing souls, there are being no motherfuckers that can be hanging with him.

Ja, the Jan is a little fat.  Ja, I am not on my form yet.  Ja, I am not even close to peaking.  But the Jan decided to give you all a taste today, to let the twin towers of doom out for a little air.  And the Jan is being getting closer to form every day.

Marinara boy, the Jan hopes that you are being enjoying your time in the spotlight.  You should be living it up to max, bro, and having the good times.  Because the Jan is not going to be fucking around in July, and after today, you are being on notice.

Currently listening : Twilight of the Gods: The Essential Wagner Collection By Richard Wagner Release date: 11 August, 1998

10:41 AM - 12 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Does the Jan's ass look fat in this?

The Jan is...

Well, the Jan is not knowing how to say this.

I mean, I am still being the Jan.  I am still being the bringer of nightmares, the destroyer of worlds.  The earth is still being cracking into great fissures of shadow and death beneath my every footstep, and the Jan is still laying the bitch-slap on Satan himself whenever the Jan is feeling like it.

But the Jan is feeling something new in his dark and empty heart.  He is feeling something that is being suspiciously close to... doubt.

Where did the Jan go wrong?  What more could the Jan have done?  I mean, maybe the Jan should not have entered the donut eating contest two days before the Giro.  (Of course, you will be relieved to hear that the Jan was being the winner easily.  The Jan's apetite for donuts is mighty.  The Jan maybe even got a little too excited when he ate the second place challenger as well.  The Jan's appetite for fat kid is also mighty.)

Maybe also the Jan should not be playing quarters with Robbie McEwen after every stage.  Or maybe the Jan should not be sneaking the pizza back to the hotel when the team director is being fallen asleep, and then eating it under the covers and then going into the bathroom afterward and calling myself a fat pig and telling myself that I am hating myself and then crying myself to sleep on the cold tile floor.

The Basso, the Hairy One, the girly looking guido, he was being dropping a hammer today, and for the first time, the twisted souls of all the demons in hell did not answer the Jan's unearthly call.  The Jan was like, hey, dudes, what is being the hell?  And the demons are all like, yeah, uhm, that little hairy dude is real fast and like, oh mighty one, we don't know how to tell you this... And the Jan is like, what, what are you saying, just spit it out, and the demons are like, oh great dark one, oh great master of all that is unholy, um, have you, like, gained some weight, cause we're all back here pushing and, um, you're like really, really heavy.  What we mean is, we're really trying back here and Bob even hurt his back and he seems real bad, and the Jan is like, fine, fuck, fine, just go pissing off, dudes.  And then the demons are all, hey, man, maybe it's not you, ok, maybe it's like the gravity up here, or, uh... something.  And the Jan is like, oh, please, stop, ok, just stop.  And the demons are like, no, no, I think I saw that on Nova sometime or something like that, you know, that the gravity is, um, bad, um, here, and another demon is like, yeah, I think I saw that one.  And then there was being a real awkward silence.

And the so the Jan suffered.

The Jan dropped 16 minutes today.  The Jan is starting to wonder.  The Jan is starting to doubt.

The Jan is starting to get hungry.

Currently listening : Tapestry By Carole King Release date: 25 May, 1999

8:24 PM - 13 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

A good Kessler puts the lotion in the basket...

So, the yeah.  The Jan is getting zeppelin-loads of the shit sandwiches from people because they are being saying that my time-trialing at the Giro is sucking.

The Jan thinks it is being time to come clean.  The Jan was totally wasted during the prologue.  I mean, like, the Jan was throwing up his tacos and schnitzel like two minutes before go time.  And the Jan did not even eat tacos that day.

The Mikester, (as the Jan is being referring to his bro-ham and fellow Mobster Michael Rodgers,) said that the Jan was trying to have the sweet sex with Simoni's bike pump when they called his name for the start.  The Jan does not remember this, but it is seeming to be possible.  I have seen this bike pump when the Jan is sober, and still the Jan would totally do her.  Or it, maybe.  The Jan is not being clear on the gender of bike pumps.

So, ja.  The Jan is blowing the TT.  So what.  I am not in the Giro for the gay pink shirt.  Maglia Rosa.  The Jan is thinking that this sounds like the name of a transvestite prostitute.

Do you doubt the Jan?  Just to be reminding you of the unholy might that clings to my thighs like wet lingerie to a sweet, sweet bike pump, the Jan was being dropping a hammer on Wednesday in the team time trial.  It is not being getting much coverage, but the Jan was wanting the stage win that day, so the Jan was pulling for 10 minutes at a time at like, 200 kilometers per hour.  It was being totally awesome.  It was the Mob's stage win.  It was ours, we were being whooping CSC's ass over the last four splits.  The road was crying in pain beneath my wheels, and all the spirits of the German dead were rising like a mighty host at my back, their glorious chorus of Wagner shaking the hairy hearts of the Italians in their sunken, cigarette-smoking chests.

And then there was Kessler.  Or pussy-pussy-crap-face, as the Jan is now calling him.  When he fell off the back, our eyes met, and he knew.  The Jan does not accept weakness.  Weakness brings dishonor.  And dishonor must be purified by pain.

Matthias will never speak of that night, and what happened in the T-Mobile bus after everyone but the Jan and little Kessy had gone, but look into his eyes, if ever you meet him, and you will see the emptiness there.  You will see the darkness, and the pain.  That night, Matthias was the Jan's bike pump.  And the touch of the Jan is not gentle.

10:23 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Tour of Romandie. And Bjarne Riis humps donkeys.
Current mood: bored

It is I.

It is the Jan.

I have done the returning.  I am being like the Terminator.  Oooo, wait, no, I am being like the Terminator 2, with the motorcycle and the shotgun and the having sex with a trash compactor.  That is happening in Terminator 2, right?  It has been a long time since the Jan has been seeing this movie.

My knee is better.  It is only feeling like the fires of a thousand hells are burning in my joints, which the Jan is handling easy.  The Jan snacks on pain, and dines on death.  Seriously, the Jan actually dines on death, with a side of wilted spinach and a nice Grenache.  The Jan may dine on death, but he is not being a savage.

The Jan has just done the finishing of the stage two of the tour of Romandie.  Romandie is being the worst country the Jan has ever been to.  It is smelling like cabbage, and the all the women are looking like wooly sacks of potatoes.  Preferably the Jan must dine on the liver of fourteen virgins every morning to be strong, but there are not being 14 virgins in all of Romandie, the Jan is thinking.  So I am not crushing as many souls as I am normally doing.

Oh, do not being getting the Jan wrong, there has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth as I flow down over the peloton like the hot pink spectre of doom and pestilence that all men know me to be.  But the true crushing has not yet done the beginning in earnest.  Only once will I open the portal to pain and death and rain down a storm from the darkest of hells upon the peloton.  That will be in the July, of course.

The Jan has heard Mr. Riis comments.  The Jan is thinking it is super classy of the team director of CSC to comment on other riders he is being having nothing to do with.  Especially when he is obviously having an axe to grind.  Normally, the Jan would go up to Bjarne Riis and rip his stomach out through his mouth.  But the Jan is a bit tired.  The team doctor says that I am worn out, that I have been porking Bjarne Riis' wife too much.  I am saying, yes, this task is not being easy, for it is requiring the mountain climbing gear, and the hazmat suit, and the stomach of iron, but I am still doing it.  If I am not porking Bjarne Riis' wife, then who will?  Certainly not Mr. Fussy Pants Throw a Bicycle Baby Face Bjarne.  He is not liking the company of women, I am hearing thourgh the grapevine.  It is apparently the truth that the Bjarne Riis likes to hump donkeys.  Big ones.  Sometimes he is even having nasty big donkey orgies, the details of which are so horrific that even the Jan's black soul cringes in disgust.  And the Jan has done nearly everything.  Ask Bjarne's wife.

The Jan is keeping one burning, fear-inspiring eye on the little spanish one, Valverde.  He is riding less pathetically than most other mortals lately.  One eye also is being kept on Mr. Hair Monkey Marinara Boy, Ivan Basso.  And it is looking kind of weird, because my eyes are being all over the place and people are being all like, Jan, what is the deal with your eyes, and I am like, "Shut up, man, I am being watching people."  And then they are all like, "Oh, my bad, Jan."  And the Jan is all like, "Ja, no shit."  And then I am killing them.  The Jan is hating to be interrupted when I am watching people.

9:26 AM - 8 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment