10:40 AM - Tallow
Category: Writing and Poetry

Each of us lost in our little science fictions,

The cup cools, skin forms and there never

Is silence, the bare wall radio mutters,

Takes stock and in static changes lives.

A Tippett oratorio causes concern among

the Kitchen

staff, some laugh and return to source, the blue of a Jay

Ajar in a new grey dawn, starch and silk stockings

Laddered.

The Fransican stutters aginst the grain,

Learning nothing as bright needles fall,

small and

Usless in these Spring swings, a cataract

On civil placement, dim the lens of darkened hand.

Pacing on cobbles, tottering as

The old market looms in stolid night vision,

Falling through the cycle, lifted on

A

honey scent.

Forever

In half shade.

Copyright C.W.Smith 2008

Currently listening : Michael Tippett: A Child of Our Time By Sarah Walker Release date: 2005-02-22

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8:26 AM - Monkey Tales Part 23 : Cookies
Category: Writing and Poetry

 Monkey Tales Part 23 : Cookies
Current mood: content

5:40 AM - Monkey Tales Part 23: Cookies

Just before Christmas Monkey saw an e-mail I had from Lizzie concerning a secret recipe for cookies and if you pardon the expression, went ape for it. Now cookies are one of Monkey's favorite foods along that is with Asdas chocolate ice-cream and peanut butter & beetroot sandwiches dressed with just the right amount of lime mango chutney and if he can find them mashed pilchard and black pepper crisps.

So he printed out the page and went home happy, ringing Delia beforehand so that she could pick up the required ingredients, because as I may have mentioned before, Monkey does not do shopping.

Anyhow, somewhere between the gym and home the printout became wet and the bottom half became obscured and unreadable but as Delia had purchased the ingredients already Monkey decided to go ahead with the baking regardless, a cunning twist glowing in his Monkey mind.

It was at this moment that Monkey's pal Roadkill Rod enters the story. Seeing Monkey with the cookie mixture and having just returned from an all expenses paid trip to Holland Roadkill decided that the mix could do with a Dutch twist and added a suitably large helping of an ingredient of his own while Monkey was not looking, now all this would have been fine and dandy if Monkey had not already done the same with some Acapulco Gold, as had Monkey's brother Boxer Bill half an hour before thinking hmmmmm space cake.

Needless to say Monkey, Delia, Roadkill, Boxer Bill, an unsuspecting Mater and Pater and the family cat Hound Dog Harry who had wolfed down the crumbs missed nearly three days from their life and

a) Didn't notice

b) Would not have cared if they did

But it was the £500 pizza bill that really hurt

Copyright

Colin W.F.Smith

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8:20 AM - Monkey Tales Part 22 : Monkey Moments 9
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 22 : Monkey Moments 9

Just as an aside, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before but Monkey once drew a large green willy with the words HELLO THERE ARE YOU COMING erupting from it on a piece of paper and slipped it into Betty's X-rays which she then took to the Hospital and handed to the Dr, he took out the x-ray and pinned it to the light box complete with willy. I nearly went deaf taking the phone call from her...

Copyright

Colin.W.Smith

2007

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8:16 AM - Monkey Tales Part 21 : Wind and the Monkey’s Tail
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Writing and Poetry

 Monkey Tales Part 21 : Wind and the Monkey's Tail

Today was pretty horrible for driving anywhere, although from Baldock to the London A406 took just under an hour, which at the time I did it was good going. Anyway I hit the wall so to speak at Hanger Lane where everthing just stopped. After about 35 to 40 minutes of going no-where I rang the office and Monkey answered.

He whittered something about a tree, Hammersmith, a car crash and some other crap that involved live voles, a cardboard tube, a large roll of sellotape and a dog whistle before repeating 'Shit no!!' about 6 or seven times.

Eventually (nearly an hour to do the last 700 yards) the traffic moved enough for me to swing into Kendall Court and get to work. As I pulled up Pootle and Betty in floods of tears came flying out of the office and grabbed me, screaming hysterically 'You're ok, you're ok!!!'

It transpires that Monkey on putting the phone down on me said that it was the police and that I had been killed by a tree that had blown down after being eaten away on the inside by a form of city vole that had gone into a frenzy last night when a team of dog handlers had used silent whistles to train their mutts.

Now I know and I guess you know too from reading these blogs that you can always tell when Monkey is lying as his lips move, so why anyone believed him is beyond me. The upshot of this little story is that one of the girls has gone home traumatised and Monkey is out the back counting rolls of sellotape and laughing very loudly to himself.

Copyright

Colin W.F. Smith 2007  

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6:12 AM - Oh no !! Surely Not !!
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Writing and Poetry

Rumours on the radio say that London have elected Coco the clown as London Mayor. Bonking, barking Boris has won and the knob isn't even a Londoner at least Ken lives here. London I'm disgusted with you !!!

K

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7:35 AM - Monkey Tales Part 20 : It’s Mexican Jim
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 20: It's Mexican Jim 

Monkey has a friend know to all as Knobby and for some reason Duncan to his mum which is odd when you consider his real name is Albert, anyway he runs a small hostel in Cancun Mexico, how he came to own this establishment involves a convoluted story that includes 3 strippers, an ugly baby raccoon, a Liverpool based property dealer, a bottle of absinth over proof, a lady boy called Bobbi and a game of twister all of which is unsuitable to be printed here.

This story is from several years ago when a young and rampant Monkey was in his globe trotting phase, round about the time of the wallet story in fact. Monkey was staying with Knobby helping out at the hostel in return for bed and breakfast and the odd evening meal. One Saturday night Knobby was called away and asked Monkey to cook 'Make it simple..' called knobby as he set off on the 3 legged mule '…just some chili con carne and rice.

Well to his credit Monkey's chili con carne went down very well and he was in the middle of being told how it was the best chili ever by a couple of young American girls when Knobby stuck his head round the corner and asked in a quite matter of fact manner just who had brought a dog in. A puzzled Monkey asked why as he had seen no one with a dog, 'Well..' said Knobby '…there are six open cans of cheap dog food in the kitchen, Monkey paled and the two girls ran outside retching as they went.

It transpired that Monkey not speaking the lingo had found the only Italian shop in Mexico and his squeals about carne were taken as cane and six tins of prime offal mince had been sold for his feast.

Monkey wondered what was all the fuss was about as no-one had complained when they were eating it. 'It's a dangerous thing is a little knowledge.' reflected a miffed Monkey as he licked his spoon free of chili, dried it on his vest and put it back in the draw.

Copyright

Colin W.F. Smith 2007

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12:21 AM - Monkey Tales Part 19 : Monkey Moments 8
Current mood: vexed
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 19 : Monkey Moments 8

Monkey awoke this morning with the blacksmith elves banging a symphony on the inside of his eyes, he coughed and tasted a little vomit and quickly swallowed it before it burnt. He made his way gingerly downstairs to be confronted by the ruins of last nights excess, truth be told he remembered coming in from the pub and finding his brother passed out on the sofa and eating the cold chicken pizza that he'd left by his head but not a lot else, especially after his sister had suggested they finish the absinth.

Just then Delia shouted down to him her voice was like nails on a blackboard and Monkey winced in pain cussing her and the pizza that was now playing havoc with his stomach and not setteling as a good pizza should. It was then that Delia cut through the fog. '...and your brother threw up again so mind you don't step in the box I put under him.' Monkey looked at his comatose brother and then at the empty pizza box.' and wondered just whose sick he could taste rising...

Copyright

Colin W.F.Smith 2007

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12:18 AM - Monkey Tales Part 18: On Bended Knee
Current mood: stressed
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 18 : On Bended Knee

Having some time ago asked Delia's father for her hand in marriage Monkey has been waiting for the perfect moment to actually go down on the knee and proffer the ring to his beloved. Well he decided that the Christmas holiday would indeed be the best time to do the deed, being away from home with only his Delia and a couple of flatulent shag happy pals for company he had visions of a romantic meal, a moonlight walk hand in hand along a country lane and maybe even some good old fashioned Monkey humping in the wild once his offer had been accepted, although he wondered remembering the visit to the lake 'Where does your cock go when it's cold'?

Well as in any Monkey adventure things didn't really go too well from the start. First of all they arrived in Dorset in the middle of the worst storm in recorded history which would have not been so bad if Monkey had kept his mind on driving the car and not on the ring in his pocket which he kept fiddling with like some demented sex starved hobbit. So distracted was he that after putting down the car keys and his evening jacket on the table he followed Delia out of the door as she left to do a little food shopping locking all their holiday money and belongings safe and secure inside the chalet complete with the said chalet's keys.

Monkey now feeling a little down and already in Delia's bad books decided to treat her to the big romantic dinner that he had planned which would have been great if he had had his wallet on him when he locked the door so now only hours away from the biggest moment of his little simian life Monkey and Delia found themselves in McDonalds sharing a £1:99 happy meal in silence, Monkey decided that it was best in the end to let Delia have the Barbie axe murder one even though he had really rather liked the look of the Hot Wheels Turbo Charger boys meal and he hoped that she didn't get any spitback in that coke.

So it was about an hour later that Monkey and Delia now lost in the dark, after wandering off the path to see if they could find K and Poppy's Bant, and in the middle of a herd of cows finally stopped, Monkey seeing his chance dropped to one knee and blurted out 'Will you marry me?' to which would have been great and Delia would have said yes straight away if the ring had not been offered with such force that it flew directly into a freshly minted cow pat, Monkey screamed and dived head first after it mud and cow flop spraying everywhere. After a furious five minute scramble a rather noxious Monkey squealed with delight as he held up the gem for Delia to see and for them in that rather bizarre and ultimately toxic scene it was the most beautiful stone of all and when she eventually managed to stop laughing Delia said Yes, even though she made him walk ½ a mile behind her on the way back.

Copyright

Colin .W.F. Smith 2007

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3:30 AM - Monkey Tales Part 17 : Monkey Moments 7
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 17 : Monkey Moments 7 
 

What I didn't add was ill though he was he still managed to get me before he went home. Monkey knows how very, very anal I am about milk I always check the date and smell the milk even if I've just bought it.

That morning I came in checked the milk, made my bowl of Special K and went to my office to eat, not 10 minutes later like every other day I went back to the fridge to have a quick drink of milk before making my coffee. Well I kind of smelt that sour rasberry odour just as a large gobet of thick rancid milk hit the back of my throat I spontaneously threw up, a large projectile type vomit that went everywhere including Monkeys packed lunch, which he later rinsed under the tap and ate.

The little sod had waited until I'd checked it was safe and then replaced it with a bottle that he had been saving for the occasion, you can't say he dose not plan and execute his evil pranks very well. I hope his face bursts I really do.

Copyright

Colin W.F. Smith 2006

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3:27 AM - Monkey Tales Part 16: Monkey Moments 6
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 16 : Monkey Moments 6

Poor old Monkey, I had to send him home sick yesterday as his face had swollen up like a balloon and before you ask yes I did ask him where it hurt and then poked him very hard there, In fact I'm suprised you didn't hear him whimpering, any way when he complained I said it was just an experiment and the headlines of this mornings paper said that it was alright to experiment on Monkey's and would he wait a moment while I went to get my pliers, funny he had left by the time I returned.

Further to the above Pater has just rang to say that they have given Monkey antibiotics which it appears he is allergic to and has come out in rather attractive red blotches and his face is a mess of pustuals, I can only think of what Ozzie D will be sent through the post this time !!!

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11:27 PM - Monkey Tales Part 15 : Monkey Moments 5
Current mood: sad
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 15: Monkey Moments 5

Last week Monkey and Pater were decorating the front of Pater's house to get it ready for the Christmas season when Monkey resplendent in a pair of lime green overalls felt a twinge below, now as he was halfway up a ladder and holding a very large glow in the dark Father Christmas he decided to ignore it and just clench those Monkey buttocks together while Pater finished up the wiring. Pater being his usual meticulous self was taking his time making sure all the connections were properly weather proofed and working correctly and by the time he took the Santa from Monkey the poor chap was positively desperate.

'Vindaloo.' Said Monkey in way of explanation as he slid down the ladder and rapidly penguined into the house. Once inside Monkey didn't even bother to shut the toilet door as he quickly released his overalls and let go. Funny thought Monkey as he pulled the overalls back up it didn't even make a splash but god does it stink.

Outside Monkey was met by Pater who immediately turned a funny shade of green that clashed horribly with Monkey's attire, pointed and promptly threw up in the flower bed as there on Monkey's shoulder was the biggest turd he had ever seen.

Monkey is doing his own laundry this week.

Copyright

Colin W.F. Smith 2006

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1:50 AM - Monkey Tales Part 14: Wallet
Current mood: sad
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 14: Wallet

Monkey has a friend known to everyone as Road Kill Rod, not his real name I hasten to add but one that stuck after it was discovered that the breakfast he prepared for the lads had sausages that he had handmade from the remains of various things (things because some of them were so flat as to disguise their true origin) recovered from the country lanes around their campsite. Monkey reflecting on this once mentioned to Rod that they were possibly the best sausages he had ever tasted although the skins had been a little chewy. To which Rod reminded Monkey of the fact that sex with Nora had been made very difficult due to the mysterious loss of his family size (considering the job they do is family size really the correct term) pack of condoms, Monkey made a mental note to pack gossamer extra lights next time as they might be less chewy than the ultra safes.

Anyway several years ago at Monkey's birthday party Road Kill gave Monkey the rather odd present of a real leather wallet, the type that you can pick up at M&S for a fiver. Monkey was not really that impressed as only a month before he and Nora (more about Nora in the Monkey Christmas tale) had bought Road Kill an authentic Bowie Knife, ok it was made in Korea but it had cost £55 of Monkey's hard skived cash. Monkey was further puzzled when several times over the next couple of weeks Road Kill had come up to him and asked if he had had a sniff of the wallet 'It's Real Leather.' He would say winking and tapping his nose knowingly. Monkey would just nod saying 'Yep it's great, never had a leather wallet before.' Before wondering if Nora was right and all of his friends were indeed idiots.

About six months after his birthday monkey's old PVC Wallet finally gave up the ghost just as he was leaving to go on holiday with the lads to Bangkok, remembering the Road Kill wallet Monkey transferred all his cards and currency to his present and noticing that it really did smell like real leather he left for the airport. It was at about this time that Monkey became something of a globe trotter and in the next three years he visited Canada, New Zealand, Belgium, Mexico, Denmark and Greece and it was at Athens airport that Monkey was stopped and searched in customs.

Monkey seeing the officer putting on a rubber glove automatically dropped his trousers and bent over the counter clenching his teeth only standing back up when the two customs men collapsed in hysterics, the gloves were standard issue for searching peoples luggage and not for the body cavity search that monkey was expecting and he was standing in front of the arrivals lounge window giving all of the recently arrived holidaymakers the sight of his huge baboons bottom.

The officers' barley containing their mirth searched Monkey's belongings including his wallet. One of them took a foil packet from the coin pocket and called the other over. Monkey looked on perplexed until he realized it was his lucky condom, (he considered himself lucky that he hadn't had to use it, STD's don't bother Monkey). The officers seeing the expiry date were having just another giggle at Monkey's expense.

Forward to Monkey's birthday this year when the lovely Delia gave her beloved Monkey a new wallet to replace his well worn Road Kill one, which reflected Monkey was not a bad present after all as it had lasted all those years well longer than Nora had come to think of it. As he emptied his cards out including discount cards for shops he had never been back to and membership cards for clubs that he couldn't remember joining a small foil packet fell to the floor, Monkey picked it up, unwrapped it and there looking for all the world like a pile of talc was a line and a half of Bolivian Marching powder, Monkey went cold as he remembered all of the customs and security checks that he had been through since receiving the present and realized that he was possibly the luckiest drug smuggler alive…

If anyone see's Road Kill can you tell him Monkey and his baseball bat want a quiet word.   

Copyright

Colin W.F. Smith 2006

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1:03 AM - Monkey Tales Part 13 : Monkey Moments 4
Current mood: sad
Category: Writing and Poetry

Monkey Tales Part 13: Monkey Moments 4

I just had to rescue a rather stricken Monkey. Turned out his new wheeze was to fill Betty's favorite mug full of water and super glue it upside down to her desk to make sure she recieved both a fright and a soaking into the bargin (revenge I suppose for the tea episode).

Well all would have gone to plan if the Boss hadn't come down to talk to him while he was setting it up. Monkey slipped the glue into the only pocket available in his sweat pants (these ones are beige) then forgetting it was there sat back down to fill out some paperwork it was about five minutes later when he realized that his new beige joggers were stuck fast to both his hairy arse and the plastic chair.

I'm not sure one bare Monkey arse cheek can be called a Brazilian but I think several of you in Scotland may have heard his scream when we ripped him off of the chair.

Copyright

Colin W.F. Smith 2006

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1:00 AM - Monkey Tales 12 : Monkey Moments 3
Category: Writing and Poetry

Sorry for taking so long to repost these but new ones will be coming soon but in the meantime here are the rest

Monkey Tales 12: Monkey Moments 3

Another short one while I type up the new longer tale.

This morning Monkey and I had been playing ghosts (see earlier entry for how this is played). I had managed to scare Pootle by hiding by the clocking in machine with the lights off and had really made her jump as she came in, Monkey not wanting to be outdone in this decided that even as he had already scared Betty on her way in he would hide under her desk for a bigger secondary scare.

I was standing in front of her desk with my hands behind my back holding my mobile when she came back from the restroom, she looked at me and immediatly said;

'Where is the little fucker!' I laughed and said that I hadn't seen him at the same time ringing her extention from my mobile. Although I couldn't see him I could almost see Monkey grinning with anticipation.

As she reached across the desk to answer my call Monkey leapt out with a huge 'Boo!'

Betty scramed and jumped in the air, dumping her boiling hot cup of tea straight over Monkey, who also screamed, disappearing into the warehouse wailing, steam flowing from his tail.

It's been a couple of hours of peace now (except from the occasional sob from the back of the warehouse and laughter from the front office). I think Monkey may want to put ghosts to bed for a while now.

Copyright

Colin W.F.Smith 2006

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7:32 AM - Monkey Tales Part 11 : Monkey Moments 2
Current mood: busy

Monkey Tales Part 11 : Monkey Moments 2

Again this is not a Tale just an aside, the next Tale is coming Monday.

I was enjoying my day in London strolling through the very beautiful St James Park when my mobile went off, it was work, I ignored it, in fact I ignored it two further times. Then it rang again from Monkey's mobile. I took a deep breath and answered.

'Yes what is it, are you locked in again, is aunt flo chasing you with the carving knife for calling her fat or are you just missing me perchance?'

Monkey giggled 'No K you're a fucking pain, it's quiet without you here, how do you spell cue?'

When I'm in work I get this all the time but this is the first time he has ever rang me outside to ask

'Another wordsearch Monkey?' I spat

'No K I'm writing a note and I need to know which one to use?'

I braced myself against a seemingly friendly tree 'OK Monkey which queue is it, a group of people waiting for something in an orderly line or the stick you hit a billiard ball with?'

Quizically Monkey answered 'Neither, you know, cue as in than kyou?'

Took me nearly an hour to stop laughing and longer to get the smell of dog wee out of my coat.

Copyright

Colin W.F.Smith 2006

Currently listening : Raw Power By Iggy & the Stooges Release date: 22 April, 1997

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