pure life

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language is music

a smile goes along way

when you don't know

the language

sometimes it is better

to not know the language

and just treat it

like music

sometimes it is better

to know the lyrics

to the music

i am learning

the lyrics

to the music

in costa rica

and the songs

are beautiful

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help me lift you up

'i am wondering around

without a mother'

i think to myself

'i am here'

she says in my ear

as i sit alone quietly crying

in a big beautiful church

thousands of miles from home

in a city of a million

where i know no one

'help me lift you up'

my angels say to me

since my spirit is

so low lately

yes please lift me up

my load feels so heavy

listen to 'help me lift you up'

beauty song by mary margaret o'hara

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Fairy Island
Current mood: melancholy

fairy island

i felt like

little red riding hood

on an easter egg hunt

with red bull soda

bottles of beer

and live deer

along my path

instead of bunnies

colored eggs

and scary wolves

there was even

haagen daus double

chocolate ice cream

set along the boardwalk

for anyone staying

in this gay ghost town

as summer residents

emptied their fridges

and left goodies

for us stragglers

after the last hurrah

of the halloween hoedown

gay men do

know how to party

i have this 'flashback'

to a gay club in canada

decades earlier

the fervor is still the same

with a huge disco ball orbiting

overhead leaving little

mirror square reflections

on the village people

a pair of vikings

the wicked witch and

her king accomplice

at the sip n 'twirl

on the infamous

fire island this

last weekend

there was also

a frankenstein and his

6 foot something

transgendered bride

whose hair was

marg simpson tall

but with a silver

lightening bolt thru it

and he had to arch

and swoon backward

to get his big hair doo

thru the door and

into the room

the bartender was

a pregnant nun

who wud scream

'photo opp!'

and strike a pose

every time there was

a flash from a camera

there was also a priest

a leather clad cop and

a couple of hard core

s+m partners

with an assortment of

whips chains and collars

and some bare chested devils

and one straight girl angel

and boys dressed scantily

some with colorful wigs

others nearly naked

it was definitely a nite

of festivities

today is a new day

as i walk along

the boardwalk that seems

almost rolled up

postings are all taken down

after this final weekend

there is no money in my pocket

cuz there is nothing to buy

the liquor the hardware

and the grocery store

have all closed up

putting inventory in boxes

as the last of us

still shopped for provisions

almost double in price

here on what i have dubbed

'fairy island'

i walk down

the wooden path

i feel welcome here

all the gay men are friendly

yet i feel like an oddity

this is their sanctuary

yet i am not ostracized

like they have been

for centuries

yet to the seasonal worker

i am this female commodity

as they try to suss out

if i am on the swim team

or not

i walk past

jungle like bamboo reeds

and giant grass that

looks like mutant wheat

but much taller

like a triffid

but furry on top

reaching up to the sky

and bending in the wind

like it is feather

dusting the air

and there are

weeping willows

with branches swaying

like horse tails

and huge holly trees

and naturally

the pines

the sassafrass

crepe myrtle crooked maple

and sour cherry trees

are finally turning gold and crimson

with the fall season upon us

despite men in bikinis

the weekend prior

i stop at turtle pond

and try to spot one

on the lime green algae surface

i havent seen them for days

and i wonder

where do the turtles go

when it gets cold

i head to cherry grove

and walk thru the woods

following the pink paint

on the trees

its appropriately dubbed

'the meat rack'

where gay boys

do the naughty

in the bushes

but you can detour

by the ocean

if you dont fancy

an encounter

but my gender

makes me feel secure

how rare is that

the grove feels more quaint

with a cottagy feel and

apparently more lesbians

many homes have names

like

and

'xanadu' and 'gretel'

but no hansel

and there is even

the home

of 'tweedle dum'

but what of

tweedle dee

i think

and odd lawn ornaments

like mermaids and doll heads

and curious signs

like 'bottoms up'

and

'wrong address

nobody here

by that name'

okay then

flags fly high

lots of proud american

a canadian british

a happy face and

the proudest of all

the rainbow

waving in the wind like

the queen mother

i zig zag

thru all of cherry grove

run into a few year rounders

and a couple vagrants like me

with some strange agenda

but mostly the trades

fixing changing replenishing

then i run into a cop on a bike

and we chit chat like

old acquaintances

probly both lonely

in our own way

and both knowing

that neither one

of us is gay

and we are

a minority here

yet that is ok

i find a

different route back

thru the meat rack

and head to the pines

which is etched into the trees

like bread crumbs home

i never get tired of

the deer and the fawn

just like i always enjoyed

the otters and seals

on my beach on

the sunshine coast

which seems

so long ago

i pet them

and take pictures

of  these beautiful creatures

that perpetually remind me

of my mom who

passed away this summer

and i talk to them

and sometimes feed them

apples or carrots

i am told the males

are neutered but

the females go on a

little rendezvous when the

tide is low enough

to escape the island

for a liason

praps i should follow suit

back in the beautiful pines

which seems more gentrified

with old beach homes

amongst more lavish

and less cottage

i find evidence of

the halloween hedonism

'amsterdam poppers'

in a bottle along the pathway

but oddly 'made in canada'

which is also reminiscent

of the 'flashback' days

that stuff is lethal

'if swallowed

induce in vomitting'

wow yum

here sunsets are spectacular

and i vowed to

see them every nite

they are too good

to be missed

not only is it panoramic

but you can easily walk

from one side of the island

to the other

and it is a whole new

postcard view

i always say

gay men pick the best

spots on the planet

this started out a retreat

a place of refuge

a place to be themselves

without being judged

or condemned

and they turned it into

their own paradise

and they share

and maintain the magic

with kindness acceptance

hospitality and a

sense of unity

as well as playfulness

i am honored to be here

and am blessed by

the magic of this

enchanted island

as i find inspiration

and a place of refuge

for me too

kat kosiancic october 31, 2007

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sunset sonata
Category: Writing and Poetry

sunset sonata

the beauty

of the sunset

almost pains me

i think of mom

and hear her spirit say

'this is part of

the paradise i see'

the orange sun

dips into the ocean

and right above me

is clear blue sky looking like

it doesnt realize

it's time to let go

and to the east

is a cathedral of indigo 

mauve and coral

with fluffy gray clouds

lingering like ghosts

around the horizon

and above them

are feather like

monet ballet dancers

looking like they are

trying to escape

this ever changing

sunset palette

the dancers fragment

into picasso nudes floating

slowly separating

some disappearing

forever

the ocean is

an orchestra with

the rhythm of the waves

a staccato pounding on the shore

and the strong wind blowing

my tears to my temples

as i feel in my heart

this beautiful song and

this incredible painting

yet i want to make images

and write a rhapsody

make it my art

my escape my salvation

this incredible landscape

feeds me and i want

this magical place

to take me away

from my pain

but instead it reminds me

and i remember the line

'wherever you go there you are'

your emotions your memory

and your pain are

still with you

no matter what country

i feel my moms support now

her comfort and finally . . .

her approval

it was hard

being her daughter and

i was a hard daughter to have

but in the end it all comes down

to love and forgiveness

and i knew when we said goodbye

that we had forgiven each other

for not being who we envisioned

it is never too late

to say i love you

and she managed that

just before her death

and i am incredibly

grateful for that

the ocean orchestra

continues with a sonata

i request a piano solo

for my mom

she would like that and

please turn one of those clouds

into a bouquet of roses

and give it to her

and tell her its from me

because flowers always

made her happy

i leave the shore

and walk down

the wooden boulevard

on this beautiful

fairy tale island

and i pass a deer and

put out my hand

deer are everywhere here

and it looks at me

with big soulful eyes

and licks my fingers

i think about mom

every time i see

when she was young

and mom had

big beautiful eyes too

i head home

to put words to the music

that i just heard

along the shore

and describe

the impressionist

and cubist painting

in the dance of colors

a stanza for the sky theatrics

and i am grateful

for this paradise

and to know i have found

peace and solace

with my mom

though that doesnt erase

the sadness and ache

but it does make it

easier to grieve

i thought this walk

was a soliloquy

but instead it was

a communion between

daughter and mother

the dance of life

the dance of death

and the sonata

in the sunset heaven

and on this earth

in between

thank you mom . . .

i love you too

your daughter kat 

oct 27^th 2007

happy birthday

november 19^th + 20^th
 

all pics by kat

since i wrote this poem
i vowed to see every sunset
from fairy island
while i am here

reading
tuesdays with morrie
beautiful wisdom
about life & death

Currently reading : Tuesdays with Morrie By Mitch Albom Release date: 24 July, 2003

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wild women five
Current mood: mischievous
Category: Friends

this happened a while back - just before i left the sunshine coast for fairy island, new york.  i didnt have time to add photos when i wrote it - so here it is now:

wow do i have great friends.  i invited my good pals over.  i thot it wud just be a handful but there must have been more with the trouble we got up to.  my gal pals in particular have beautiful big personalities.  and i would classify most of them, as with myself, as being a 'mitful'.  and i mean that in the best way possible.  they are also spontaneous, strong, independent, smart, creative and naturally beautiful. i didnt realize till everyone was over that there were only 2 men in our midst.  my men friends tend to be quite mellow in comparison to us females.  they too are great beings - talented (always), smart, emotive and handsome naturally.

i often wonder what will happen when my different worlds meet.  i had a party once where 2 couples broke up and one of them found her future partner at my party.  that was an interesting and fun nite.

so it was a day time thing.  2:00 in the afternoon.  not quite a dinghy day cuz the waves were really pounding the shore.  my aussie neighbour came down first.  oh, good, now i can have a nip of wine.  i made a spritzer - start out slowly. 

then the wizzard popped in coming via the beach route.  then jay bird came down on her motorbike toting her fishing rod cuz she was going to fish while hanging out too, mostly cuz she cant keep still.  and she indeed did fish.

Currently listening : Tapestry By Carole King Release date: 25 May, 1999

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death etiquette
Category: Blogging

i was in a hurricane in jamaica years ago -  hurricane gilbert.  it was horrible and beautiful all at the same time.  what mother nature cud do to the land in so little time was amazing.  it was devastating but yet most things recuperated and few did not.

i guess it was a bit like that with my mom's demise.  what cancer can do in a certain amount of time . . . yet she extended that time.  and i am grateful - yet in the end i was glad that she passed without prolonged suffering.  she did truly orchestrate the finale - as she wud.

so, death etiquette, hmm.  well, i wanted to write a blog about 'what to say' or 'not say' when someone's eventual demise is apparent.  i wud get upset with people's comments yet i know they were just saying the only thing they knew even if it was inappropriate.  and both my mom and dad mentioned things that bugged them too.  so i will try to express some of them.

for me, i did not like anyone suggesting that my mom wud not make it, even in the end when all signs pointed to yes.  i did not like someone asking 'so is it terminal?' or 'how much longer does she have' or the worst . . .  'is your mom still alive?' - go to hell ouch. 

i also did not like people talking like she was already dead - like 'she will finally find peace' or 'she had a good life'.  she was still bloody alive!

i did not like when people said i 'shud make peace with her'.  for one, i loathe the word 'should' - that says you are doing something wrong from the get go.  and everyone does their own thing at their own time and unless you are wearing my moccassins you dont know my path or hers or our crossroad.

i really didnt like people comparing my mom's cancer to friend's mother's friends horrific cancer.  it is not a 'oneupmanship' thing, my ordeal was very personal and unique and i dont want it compared to something worse or better.  my experience is what it is and no comparisons have to be made.  for the most part i was going thru hell and i did not want to hear about someone else's hell.

my mom did not like being asked 'how are you?' - she said 'it is obvious i am not doing okay'.  i asked her what she wanted people to ask and she said it wud be nice if they asked 'how are you doing today' -  such a simple thing and i understand that people just ask what they think is okay and yet what is okay really, for that person?

my pop is saying the same things now too.  everyone asks him if he is okay - and of course they would.  and some people come up and say to him 'i dont know what to say . . .'  and he responds by saying . . ' why dont you say . . . hello'.  sometimes it is that simple.

why dont you go up to him and give him a hug or at least a really strong handshake and say 'i am sorry for your loss' - and you can add here that you understant becuz you lost your wife of 53 years or you can say that you cant possibly understand becuz u haven't experienced the same thing - both responses are real.

for me.  all i wanted was support from close friends.  i wanted to know i cud get a huge motherfukinhug in a second if i need it - and i needed it.  i wanted to cry into someone's shoulders like there is no tomorrow.  i wanted to be soothed and comforted and to be told that someone wud be there for me.  somehow i got most of that and am sooo grateful for the people that popped out of nowhere sometimes to give me that comfort and support.  wow - you rock!

in fact today i was walking along my beach and my neighbour knew my mom was dying and she approached me and took my arms and said 'how is your mom?' and i said 'she died'.  she took me in her arms and held me close.  she said 'there is nothing i can say that will make things better' - and she was right.  but she held me and then looked into my eyes and told me how she felt for my loss and wanted to know how i was now - that is death etiquette.

my sweet friend la la la says that we go thru grief and often anger and of course sadness.  i have felt all of this and have little patience with friends energies that drain me.  i just cud not extend myself any more than i already have with the heavy emotions of my mom's demise esp near the end - this whole summer. 

this has been the hardest thing i have ever endured.  to see my father, my rock, fall to pieces has been excruciating yet beautiful for me - like a hurricane.  our relationship is on a different level now.  this is the biggest trauma i know.  if i lost my father too i would be a pile of dust - i would not know how to be.  it wud be like sleep walking thru life and wondering if it is really happening or not. 

i feel such sadness for people that have lost both parents.  and such sadness for people that have lost a child or children.   this beautiful man approached me at my mom's celebration.  he had lost 2 daughters within one year.    i was a good chum with the youngest daughter when i was in grade 7.  he came up to me and gave his condolences.  we just looked into each others eyes - we both knew each others pain.  few words had to be spoken but three years ago i was trying to understand his pain  . . . now i  know it.

Currently listening : When I Was a Boy By Jane Siberry Release date: 03 August, 1993

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