MIDGETS!
Current mood: rejuvenated

Good day friends.  It's Friday, a day for celebration, and in that spirit...

I encourage you all to check out this link...

Midget Dance

Tell me that's not the funniest thing you've ever seen.  Enjoy your weekend.

A Man Called Burto

Currently listening : Thriller By Michael Jackson Release date: 16 October, 2001

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The View
Current mood: annoyed

Today as I gazed longingly out the window of the Verizon building, on the corners of Pratt and Light Streets, I was treated to something that was a tad out of the ordinary. There was an air mattress, a man laying face down on said air mattress wearing only his underwear and bondage bracelets, a fetching young vixen circling him and occasionally thrashing him with what I would believe to be a cat of nine tails, and a camera crew. This was all going on across the street from my building, right outside Harbor Place.

Currently listening : The Amazing Jeckel Brothers By Insane Clown Posse Release date: 25 May, 1999

11:32 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Smelling the Roses
Current mood: nostalgic

I haven't had a lot to write about lately, mostly because I have been damn busy at work and have been in one of those phases of mine that everything I'd write would be angry and offensive.  So I decided to keep those feelings to myself, at least this time, and try to show some maturity.

Currently listening : Flaming Pie By Paul McCartney Release date: 27 May, 1997

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Willy Don
Current mood: disappointed

Willy Don Schaefer, as many of you in the state of Maryland may have heard today, got himself in some hot water.  The 84 year old Comptroller had the audacity to do the following:

"Responding to Schaefer's request for tea, the woman, an executive assistant in Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr.'s front office, set down a thermal mug in front of the comptroller. Schaefer, 84, watched her walk away, then beckoned for her to return. When she obliged, he told her, "Walk again," staring after her as she left a ceremonial conference room at the State House." - The Baltimore Sun

So let me get this straight, the guy thought she was hot and he wanted a second look.  The Sun had this account of Schaefer's response to reporter's questions:

"Schaefer defended the comment in a profanity-laced rant at reporters after the meeting.  "That's so goddamn dumb, I can't believe it," Schaefer said when asked about the appropriateness of his remark. "She's a pretty little girl."  She "ought to be damn happy that I observed her going out the door," Schaefer said. "The day I don't look at pretty women is the day I die."
The comptroller briefly broke away from reporters to talk to the woman in private, but returned to say he had not apologized.  "The one who's offended is me," he said, for being subjected to questions about the encounter."

So, that might have been a mistake to respond in that manner.  The truth is Willy Don has spent a lifetime in public service to Maryland and certainly has been good for the state...overall.  Trouble is, as much as I think his comments were harmless, the dude shouldn't have done that. 

Now I have no problem with his comments following his trip to a local McDonald's where the person at the counter didn't speak English.  Truth is if you are in this country as a resident you should speak the language.  I don't move to Mexico because I can't speak Spanish, and for about 1million other reasons.  So when he proclaimed that a McDonald's employee should at least speak english, I was on board.

He lost me this time.  Not because he was checking out a 24 year old girl, not because he got mad at the press, but because a man in that position 84 or 34 should fucking know better.  Now, I'm not throwing my lot in with the women's groups crying about "women are not objects".  Oh no, don't count me in with that craziness.  I'm just saying that the old codger needs to watch himself in the future and realize that he's a public official and the public does not approve of such behavior.

Oh and for the record, women are not objects.  Just wanted to clear that up. 

A Man Called Burto

Currently listening : Dino: The Essential Dean Martin By Dean Martin Release date: 01 June, 2004

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The War is On
Current mood: savage

Here's the score after 2 rounds...

Round 1 to Burto

Round 2 to the Enemy

This past Sunday evening my home was attacked by a nemesis I thought I had vanquished.  A feline nemesis.  The war was literally brought to my front door.  Now the play time is over.

You see on Sunday the snow here stopped and Burto had at least 6-7 inches on his front porch.  After shoveling out my driveway, sidewalk, and neighbor's place I said to hell with the porch, it will melt.  Turns out it's a good thing I did.  Snow, my friends, is the perfect blank canvas to use in the reconstruction of a crime.  And use it I did.

Monday morning I walked outside to meet the new work week with both vim and by god vigor only to be met with the unmistakable smell of cat urine.  So strong in fact it nearly knocked me down.  I was confused, disoriented, and in general disbelief at first.  Then I went about investigating this issue.  CSI: Parkville style.

First I noted the yellowish half melted snow near my front doormat and the fact that the smell was strongest there and on the doormat itself.  Then I followed the tracks the offender left behind, unmistakable cat tracks.  The mystery was solved and I realized the enemy literally had attacked my home.

The time for playing nice and worrying about neighbor's feelings is over.  The days of the quiet unassuming chump that I've played in this neighborhood have ended.  This beast has awakened something inside Burto I thought had long since been put to rest.  The urge for complete and total vengeance.  The desire for the blood of this unruly and disrespectful creature.  The desire for suffering.

The neighborhood already has felt my wrath once this week as I chastized an idiot neighbor for impeeding a snow plow, but they aint seen nothing yet.  As I told this fool yesterday that it was "about the stupidest fucking thing I've seen" I saw it in his eyes, my image changed.  True it was after the fact, but by god he needed to know he was stupid and if he feels I've wronged him he can blame the cat for lighting the fire.

I will slay this beast, this trespasser on the land of Burto.  It will be destroyed in a slow and deliberate manner consistent with the aggravation I felt as I threw away my doormat and scrubbed my porch in 20 degree weather.  Oh yes the suffering will commense soon. 

You've won this round feline, but ultimately you will realize that attacking this seemingly harmless fella has spent up all 9 of your lives.  I promise you that.

"Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!"

A Man Called Burto

Currently watching : Apocalypse Now Release date: 15 August, 1979

6:03 AM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Unbelievable
Current mood: confused

I stand before you today a man confused, mystified, lost, and yes even a little hurt.  Even as I think I have life figured out a little, women go and throw a curveball.  A curveball so devastating that neither Jesus Christ or Jobu could assist me in making contact. 

The hurler in this case is moderately famous hot chick Nikki Cox who currently stars on the hit show Las Vegas.  Here is her picture:

   HOT, DAMN HOT!

This woman of some fame and definite good looks could have any fella she'd like I'd imagine.  So why has she chosen Jay Mohr?  Old smarmy, 15 minutes are over Jay Mohr?  How can this be?

To make matters worse I know this goddess was once engaged to one Bobcat Goldthwait...

  Jesus Christ, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

I don't understand women.  I know, I know no one does, but this is a certified Sherlock Holmes style mystery.  I just don't get it. 

Perhaps it's true that women are really just looking for a guy to make them laugh, but that doesn't even apply to Bobcat and Jay Mohr because they just plain suck. I don't know, but it just shows that there's hope for everyone.

A Man Called Burto

Currently watching : Scrooged Release date: 09 November, 1999

7:58 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

New Leadership
Current mood: amused

Now to business my friends.  John Boehner has just been elected by the Republicans as the new Speaker of the House.  All hail the Boehner.  John Boehner.  Who says the Republicans don't have a sense of humor?  Boehner. Now I'm not sure if it's pronounced Boner, but it looks like it should be.  That would be hilarious.  Almost as funny as the character on the 80's hit Growing Pains.

  Richard "Boner" Stabone - 80's Icon

Now, I've read a few articles about this Boehner guy this morning and he seems relatively useless otherwise, but the name, remember the name.  What better way to follow up Captain Corrupt Tom Delay than with a guy who could inspire porn films a plenty.  Here are a few titles I'm working with:

Boner of the House

Speaker of the Bone

Fillibuster...just sounds dirty.

But alas the Sun paper topped me today with the following title of one of their articles, all I need now is a porn actress named Capital Hill.

"On Capitol Hill, rise and fall and rise of John Boehner"

Sounds like a porn with plot...damn, but there's always the fast forward button.

A Man Called Burto

Currently listening : Extreme II: Pornograffitti By Extreme Release date: 19 July, 1990

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Burto and the Best Buy

This weekend I purchased the following CDs:

Kenny Rogers, Al Green, Frank Sinatra, Marvin Gaye, Dire Straights, The Doors,  Neil Diamond, and Waylon Jennings.

The young lovely at the Best Buy checkout line was confused at best.  I saw her inspect my selections as if she were examining the corpse of some alien lifeform crash landed here on our own little blue marble known as Earth.  She looked at them as if she needed to find the reason why.  Perhaps she was trying to find the link between these artists, or the reason for such an incoherent musical selection, but she failed. 

I wonder what her little brain must think of such a purchase, I wonder if she had any clue who any of those artists were?

You see when I go to Best Buy or FYE or any other place a person can buy some music, I don't need a critique or a strange look.  Just ring up the damn merchandise and send me on my merry way.  I've bought music before and older cashiers have said to me " you're too young to like this ".  Really?  Is that why I'm buying it?  Right, I buy things all the damn time that I don't like. 

This reminds me of my experience buying a video game last year.  Every year I buy Madden NFL Football, it's the only game I buy year in and year out.  This is just something I like to do.  When I bought my copy last year I was treated to an uncomfortable conversation with Poindexter, Lord of the Video Games and his views on strategy guides, RPGs (I found out later means Role Playing Games), and specialized controllers.  I just want the god damn game!  I don't care about that other crap!  No matter how talented a salesnerd you are, I will not give in. 

Perhaps I bring the situation on myself by being 28, looking 41 (a girl told me that recently and I actually took back the drink I bought her, not kidding), and buying a video game.  Perhaps I am lumped into this category of he who is hospitable to those who feel that their opinion of me or my taste means something. 

I am not hospitable.  I don't care what the salesnerd or the painted Best Buy harlot think of what I purchase.  Just ring up my merchandise and let me go on my way.  Thanks a pant load.

Only now, do I fully understand the frustration that Jergy faced regarding Best Buy around the holidays.  Now I get it. 

A Man Called Burto

Currently listening : The Essential Neil Diamond By Neil Diamond Release date: 04 December, 2001

7:03 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Natural Instincts
Current mood: disappointed

I believe that all beings in this world have their mortal enemies. Snake and Mongoose, Rabbit and Fox, and Burto and Cats. Many of you, who have known me for years, know of my disdain for these furry little useless bastards. Some of you may even know the tales of a freshly painted car marred by muddy footprints and the repercussions that followed. Yes, there are very, very few cats that I am not completely opposed to. This morning the enemy came to my door.

Currently listening : 20 Greatest Hits By Kenny Rogers Release date: 01 July, 1991

6:22 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Smoking and Speeding
Current mood: angry

Alright, enough is officially enough. This state is going too damn far. This morning the local news has reported two agendas that our State Government plans to make their pet causes this year. Banning smoking in bars and restaurants and speed cameras. God help us all.

Currently listening : DJ's Choice Proud to Be American By Drew's Famous Party Music Release date: 09 October, 2001

6:26 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment