Stone Cold Fever
Category: Life

The top ten reasons I WILL get a flu shot next year...

10) The lump on my neck that used to be a gland, makes me look like the elephant man.

9) Red eyes and red noses will NEVER be as fashionable as red lips and red nails.

8) Drew Carey is the devil.

7) Daytime TV is punishment for not going to work.

6) Top Ramen, Wheat thins and Cool Whip are not quite as comforting as one would think.

5) I have spilled soup and/or tea on every nightgown I own.

4) Coughing up a lung is NOT just a turn of phrase, as it turns out.

3) The same news stories that are on at 11pm, are also on every hour on the hour during the day...did I mention EVERY hour??

2) My dog is not quite the conversationalist I give him credit for.

and the number one reason I will get a flu shot next year...

So I don’t have to listen to my mother and boyfriend in stereo tell me "YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A FLU SHOT"!!!!!!

10:51 AM - 6 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

42 Januarys
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Life

The things I learned in my 41^st year, in no particular order…

Friends truly are a blessing and are the family I have chosen.

Switching from a PC to Mac is not as scary as one might think…(nor as difficult).

Wearing all black doesn't magically make me thinner…but, wearing my favorite color does make me happy.

Sometimes when your stomach hurts it is not because you ate too many M&Ms at work…sometimes it is a ruptured tumor on your liver (what, Boomer? Too soon??)

When the right one says he will call…he does.

It is perfectly fine to cook brisket and latkes for Christmas dinner.

I really do enjoy working out…in the right circumstances and with the right people.

I can still love a family member even though I may not like him very much.

2 years is just the tip of the mourning process and I still miss my dad a lot.

Petting a dog or holding a baby really does lower your blood pressure instantly…(I didn't have to spend a million dollars for a scientific study on this!)

Having my students succeed is as gratifying as succeeding myself.

I am finally too old for chunky streaks and wild colors in my hair...(but, I am still not going to take out my piercings).

After surgery, when a doctor says you will have pain for a few days and should rest…he means it!

Every once in awhile…I gotta suck it up and put on a pair of high heels even though I'd rather wear sneakers all the time.

My face will break out 2 days before a big event/date…and so far I have not found a product invented to help zits and wrinkles at the same time.

Relaxing and letting the Universe take care of it…is a viable option for problem solving!

Wishing all of you a happy, healthy New Year!!

4:51 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Always Something There to Remind Me...
Current mood: sad
Category: Life

So, I just got my 5^th  random email of the day today…suggesting the "perfect gift for dad" for Father's day and I am about ready to scream.  I am not, I assure you,  anti-marketing…I have worked in retail for the past 26 years…I understand the concept of advertising for holidays and targeting demographics…and I am sure on paper…I am  in THE ideal "buy an expensive gift for your father" demographic….I'm 41, single, no kids with a good career…I mean…really…what else am I gonna do with all my disposable income but purchase embossed golf club covers for Pop? The trouble is my father died almost 2 years ago…and even then, he didn't golf.   

I remember about 5 years ago, when there was a big ACLU case about not allowing public schools to have children make Father's Day or Mother's day cards in class…because it was not fair to the children who didn't have parents.  I laughed and thought that was a huge crock of shit…thought the ACLU should keep out of it…the kids without parents could just "get over it!"  Well, now I understand it a lot better.  Father's Day is everywhere I look.   

Now, like I said…I get that this is a huge retail holiday…but it is really tough to try to "get over it" when  I have to toss aside 8 advertising circulars with power tools, neck ties and gas grills to get to the Sunday crossword puzzle…or when I have to walk by 10 feet of Father's day cards to get to the Graduation cards at the back of the Hallmark store…or when every other F*CKING commercial on the radio is the OutBack steakhouse singers telling me why I should "take Dad out for a bloody good time".

I have nothing against Father's Day…and of course,  I wish all you fathers out there a very, happy, holiday…& yes, I realize this is all still very fresh for me…and at some point, I may very well "just get over it".  But, if I get one more "what dad will love"   email &  if you read in the papers about a deranged woman who threw her computer through a wall and crushed a passerby with her hard drive…don't say I didn't warn you…and PLEASE come visit me in jail…Paris & I will be lonely!!

Currently reading : Daddy's Girl By Lisa Scottoline Release date: 13 March, 2007

5:38 PM - 7 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Tagged...

So, you've been tagged:

Here's how you play, once you've been tagged. you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts or habits about yourself. at the end you choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave them a comment "you're It!" and ask them to read your blog. you can't tag the person who tagged you...

10 Random factoids about me:

1) I am afraid of driving on bridges, I tend to hyperventillate...Me driving in San Francisco...not pretty!

2) I usually prefer butter and salt on my pancakes...as opposed to syrup.

3) I am named after Hobo Kelly (a clown from a kid's show in the 60s) and Sophia Loren...a clown and a voluptuous film star...totally suits me, don't ya think?

4) I once made out with Matthew Perry in the parking lot of a bar in Sherman Oaks, many, many years ago.

5) I have not had my natural hair color since I was 14 years old.

6) I am addicted to crossword puzzles and do 3-4 a day.

7) I am way more conservative, politically...than most people would guess.

8) I have about 150 pairs of shoes but, only wear about 5 pairs on a regular basis.

9) I love to sleep in a cold room, so I use my A/C most of the year & just add blankets (I know, so un-PC...but soooo comfy!)

10) I have a  Dodger shirt and throw blanket that I have to have on when I watch a game at home (yes, I do realize I am a dork!)

Okay the following peeps are tagged!

Gary (Texas, not L.A.), 'cause you are on here at work almost as much as I am.

Nan...'cause it will be relaxing when you get home from work.

Tom...'cause Nan is going to do it.

Spooney...'cause you are always up for a fun myspace activity

Duquedelsol...'cause I miss you, sweetie!

Karen...'cause you are new to the joys of myspacing

Johnny...'cause you are probably bored at work

Marty...'cause it will give you a chance to "tag" all the hot chicks on your list!

Dana (guy Dana)...'cause it will force you to blog & you don't blog enough!

Mandi...'cause you doesn't get to get on here enough, so this will give you something to do when you do :)

1:11 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Doesn't take much to make me happy...

So... today I had off for Cesar Chavez day... and in solidarity, I did not eat ANY table grapes.  I did however,  take this unexpected day off, to do some of my favorite things! 

First, I did not set an alarm, of course...I was up a 7:15am anyway...but at least I got to drink a pot of coffee lounging in bed!  Next, I got to play UNO with my 8 year old niece who has been staying with me & I kept saying...soon, I will play with you...today I did.

Next, I went to go see my dad's grave.  I know some of you may be saying...what the fuck? that is not a GOOD day. But, actually it was....I was sooo happy to see that since the last time I was there, he has a neighbor...a man named Irving that was in the army the same time my Pop was...so I figure, he has someone to talk to now.   Annnnd, I wanted to visit him before Passover.  Then I had an amazing (I mean I have NEVER met a carb I didn't love) lunch at Macaroni Grill...(annnd it was free cause I had a gift card that a cousin of mine gave to me for my b-day)...with my mom...and then, went shopping and for some reason..everything I put on.. fit me perfectly...and then after hours of shopping, we ended the night with sushi and the Dodgers winning...I almost feel like I don't deserve this day!  Yay for good days!! I wish everyone a happy Pesach and Easter! May this truly be a time of deliverance  and peace for all of us!!

10:41 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Dental, Dammit!
Current mood: annoyed

There are few things in this world I hate more than getting my teeth cleaned…okay, granted it is not as bad as say...ummmm...walking on broken glass, a hot poker up my ass…or getting weighed at the doctor's office…but, just not something I particularly look forward to.  So yesterday, I went for my bi-annual cleaning…(okay, I must confess it has been a tad longer than 6 months…more like 21 months but, hey…I went…riiight? Right!).

My Dentist's office is very high tech, state of the art and pretty much…fancy schmancy…there is a 100 gallon fish tank in the waiting room…a ton of glass brick , comfy couches and a wide variety of current magazines in the waiting "lounge"…(yes a lounge…not room…see, it is THAT fancy).  So, it comes as no surprise to me that each and every "patient suite" has a television complete with stereo sound…Cool…I am thinking…that will take my mind off the fact that I am about to get attacked by some hygienist with a freshly sterilized set of metal hooks. 

Well…little did I know,  there is a central control for all of the TVs, and it is set to CNN Headline News.

So, this is what my hour of deep scaling was like…scrape, scrape…"Suni insurgents"…scrape, dig, squirt, suction…" Shiite death toll rises"…dig, dig, suction, scrape…"8 year old girl raped and tortured by her step-father"…scrape, squirt, suction….you get the idea…talk about the epitome of adding insult to injury!!

So, here are a few of my suggestions to all you Dental professionals out there to help make their patients experiences better…

1)      In addition to fancy aquariums…please add a swim up bar, this will particularly be helpful when having serious procedures like oral surgery or root canals.

2)      Offer a Patient Rewards card to encourage return visits…like for every 3 cleanings, you get an all expenses paid week at Club Med, or an espresso machine or a George Forman Grill.

3)        Hire only really hot male and female hygienists…the men preferably with sexy accents...that say things like "Ohhhh…Mon Cher…how can we feeel up zat cavity today?"

4)      And finally…if you are already going to the trouble of putting entertainment systems in the rooms…at least put on some porn…'cause really…dig, dig, scrape…"moan, slurp, ooooooh" would be SO much more enjoyable!

Currently reading : Medical and Dental Space Planning: A Comprehensive Guide to Design, Equipment, and Clinical Procedures By Jain Malkin Release date: 09 April, 2002

1:41 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm Every Woman...
Current mood: crazy
Category: Life

I think it may be time for me to face the facts…I am certifiably crazy.  I mean…perhaps the nice men in white coats had better reserve me a room, save a space on the couch in the sun room and fit me for a stylish, yet slenderizing, straight jacket…and before those of you say "AHA, I knew it!  I was right, she IS nuts, you owe me 20 bucks"…let me try, the best I can in my diminished capacity, to explain…

According to the  DSM VI (the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) a multiple personality disorder is: "A very rare psychological disorder in which a person has two or more distinct personalities, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and patterns of behavior. The personalities often are direct opposites and dominate at different times, with abrupt transitions triggered by distressful events or memories."    Well, if that is indeed a mental disorder, then I (and most of the women I know) certainly suffer from it.

Just so far this week, here are the few distinct personalities that have reared their (red)heads…

Elder Care, Kelly: She came out when I had to calm down my mother's rantings at the "Goddamned Daily News" for printing a supplement in it that is bilingual and "this is America and not La Opinion newspaper"…my mother then called the paper to demand an apology because a fish recipe she wanted was not in English.    I sweetly explained that I'm sure there was no great conspiracy to prevent her from cooking the perfect piece of tilapia, gave her a cup of tea, a couple of cookies and the crisis was deftly avoided.

Take No Shit Manager, Kelly: The most common of my work-week personalities, she comes out whenever there is a tough customer who insists that the book they are returning with the highlighted passages and water damage "was purchased that way"…or that "they never got a receipt" or "they spoke to some guy who said they could return it for cash"… She bandies about expressions like "I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable", "Surely, you must have a supervisor I may speak with", "You need to come up with a viable solution for me".  She is a firm yet fair gal, who demands respect from employees and customers alike. 

Court Jester, Kelly: Probably the most common of my personalities…she is the one that comes out when things get tough, scary or hard…and makes everyone laugh.  The deflector of all things bad or stressful…A bawdy clown, that in the words of Billy Joel… is "quick with a joke, or to light up your smoke".   ***The downfall to CJ, Kelly…is that she has been known to come out at the most inappropriate times…such as at funerals, relationship break ups and emergency rooms.   

Jewish Mother, Kelly: Another one of my more common personalities, she comes out whenever friends/family or ex boyfriends are in need…like the bat signal calls Batman…Jewish Mother Kelly is alerted at the slightest sign of heartache, illness, depression, destructive behavior or trouble at work…always ready with advice, a shoulder to cry on or a boozy confession session. ***Unfortunately, like Court Jester, Kelly…JM Kelly comes out whether the recipient wants her to or not…like today at 2am when she got a drunk dial from an ex…she came out lecturing him on why he has to clean up his act for his daugher's sake and knock off the destructive behavior…when I am sure he was hoping for Thai Hooker, Kelly...which brings me to…

Thai Hooker, Kelly:  This is the Kelly that very few know…she comes out usually after a glass or two (or 5) of wine…she is the one who thinks a quickie in the bathroom at her nephew's  Bar Mitzvah is a fun idea.  She is the Kelly that will spend more on her underwear than her entire outfit….she always carries candles, a cork screw and vanilla massage oil in the trunk of her car "just in case of emergency". ***TH, Kelly…was formerly known as Booty Call, Kelly…Friends With Benefits, Kelly & Fuck Buddy, Kelly…but she has since eliminated those personalities…or at least until Throw Caution to the Wind, Kelly decides to appear…Ahhhh, but that is another blog, for another time. 

For the time being, I will accept that I am indeed a wackadoo…and get really, really good at making macaroni art for when I get committed to the loony bin.  Now about that 20 bucks…

Currently reading : DSM-IV Made Easy: The Clinician's Guide to Diagnosis By James Morrison Release date: 17 February, 1995

12:13 AM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Pain in my ASP!
Current mood: scared
Category: Pets and Animals

Many of you who know me well, know that I am a huge ophidiophobe...and for those of you that don't know me and are frantically Googling...that means one who fears snakes.  Now...I don't mean like "Ew...that is slippery and gross"...I mean that the sight of snakes...can make me scream, shake and cry like a topless girl in a bad Roger Corman flick. In fact, my  Brother in Law just wrote a Mockbuster called "Snakes on a Train" for Asylum Pictures,  my niece is one the stars,  I have the screener sitting in my living room and I couldn't even bring myself to unwrap the plastic from the DVD!!   I am talking...all out terror. 

I am not even sure where this fear came from...(and no, all of you sidewalk psychologists out there, it is not some deep Freudian fear of male genitalia...'cause...we all know..."Kelly digs cock"...thank you, Jeff...I owe you 18 cents)...in fact, the first love of my life...Mike Bird, had a snake, a Boa Constrictor named Mo that used to curl up at the foot of his bed...but all I know is that at some point the snake-o-meter in me redlined and now they freak me the fuck out...B-I-G T-I-M-E!!!

So, it is with all of this in mind that I ask you, my friends...to please, please...PLEASE stop sending me links to the "Snakes on the Train" trailer...funny pictures of Samuel L Jackson wearing a Python necklace, cute ads for snake coffee mugs, earrings or Eau de Cobra Cologne...I know I should be thick skinned about all of this, I know I can dish it out with the best of them, so I should be able to take it...but...unless your goal is to send me into a reptile induced psychosis...no more MUTHA FUCKIN' SNAKES!!!

Currently reading : SNAKES OF US & CANADA By ERNST CH Release date: 17 April, 2003

1:16 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues
Current mood: scared
Category: Romance and Relationships

So, after years of being the "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there" girl...I am in a drought in the romance department...mostly self imposed, but, it's not even a dryspell at this point, I am talking...a big-dirt-cracking-in-the-desert-vultures-are-swooping-down-on-the-carrion, drought. Why is it I  just can't seem to drag my ass out the house to go on one more first date right now?? I mean...for awhile it was looking good, I had a few hopefuls in rotation...

There was Dr. Bombay, an adorable Indian guy who had gorgeous eyes and a great appreciation for my lingerie collection (which made me buy a lot more, of course)...but he was a "call once every 3 weeks when he had a couple of spare hours"...he would always tell me he had no time to call me in between...but evidently he did have time to call a girlfriend of mine after meeting her at one of his RARE public appearances...Okay, I get it, he just wasn't into me...DONE.

Then there was "Persian Robert Downey Jr."  nice guy...drove way too fast, was a tad immature and although he was a "fun make out at Chevy's, drink margaritas & watch sports guy"...he was 10 years younger and I knew in my heart, he was just being a playah...till he met & married his 18 y/o Persian Virgin...so, no harm no foul...DONE.

In between there were a few "really nice but no sparks" guys, a couple of..."I am praying there is a bomb threat so I can leave this restaurant" guys and a couple of..."I would really want to be friends with this guy" guys. 

Then came wackadoo stalker guy (I will not even get into this one...suffice it to say, it did not end pretty)...after that lovely experience, out of desperation for the familiar, I fell into the "re-date some exes and remember why you are broken up" spiral...and we all know...that is never a good idea...

So  now,  I am a little gun shy, a little scarred and a lot burnt out.

I fear that I am starting to show the signs of a true old maid... I talk to my dog...a lot...I laugh gleefully at the GE commercial with the elephant that is singing in the rain (and pretty much anything that has talking/singing/costumed animals)...  I only go to bars where I can talk to people without shouting over the music, I go to two different markets, 'cause one has better meat, and one has better produce and...I take pity on the crazy ladies in the Rite Aid, cause I know, there for the grace of God, go I.

ACK!!!  When did I become this girl??

I know I will get back on the horse (hopefully, a horse in a dress, singing a Billy Joel tune)...soon...but damn if it ain't...hard out here...for a plump!!

Currently reading : The Other End of the Leash By Patricia McConnell Release date: 29 April, 2003

3:57 PM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Anything For Kelly...
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

So, who'd have thought that I would have been thanked in Larry McMurtry's acceptance speech last night, huh?  Okay, well me and about a million other folks out there who are in the book business.  When in his acceptance speech for best screenplay adaptation for Brokeback Mountain,  he said " I want to thank all the booksellers of the world" ... McMurtry continued with..."Booksellers are contributors to the survival of the culture of the book."  

When I heard that, I let out a woooHOOO & had to smile!  That's me he's talking about, I am CONTRIBUTNG TO CULTURE !!

I've met Larry (I can call him that now, 'cause I am "his people") a handful of times in my 25 years of Bookselling and have in many cases, had a chance to chat with him at length....(that is what bookstore managers do when no one shows up for an author's event...we schmoooze the author so he doesn't feel like a loser.)  He was always very nice and charming and very, very humble...so it was no surprise to me that he, on his big night, remembered the people who got his books into reader's hands to begin with. 

 So, on behalf of every bookseller who has every uttered the words, "The new Larry McMurtry is GREAT, you have to read it..."  You are welcome, Mr. McMurtry...I just hope you don't stop writing books now that you are all famous and stuff!!!

Currently reading : Anything for Billy : A Novel By Larry McMurtry Release date: 27 November, 2001

8:59 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment