Dear Diary
Category: Life

I did my laps today for the first time since Jimmy died. I was going for ten and I did fifteen. I've got to get back in shape. I've had zero energy for months now. I won't go into the details because frankly they're boring and gross, but there's something wrong with me physically and my doctor can't figure out what, so I'll be going to a specialist in September. It's NOT life threatening, so no worries. It's just that it's the reason for my having no energy and once it's diagnosed and treated, I should start having energy again. Man it sucks being tired all the time.

Anyway, a little later, I went to my therapy appointment and it went really well. She took my scattered-ass self and got me focused on what's right in front of me, got my legs planted in the here and now. Right on.

After my therapy appointment, we went across the border to Mindenmines to get my stock of smokes from my regular place but for some unknown reason it was closed down and we had to go to another place. As I was standing in line, the young guy ahead of me was telling the clerk that his brother had just died and she asked him how. He said his brother and his brother's girlfriend had gotten into a fight and the police were called and his brother got shot and killed. I thought man, where am I? I mean I'm supposed to be in sleepy-nothin'-ever-happens-Kansas (ok, it was Missouri, but still) where, well you know, nothing ever happens.

Today was a surreal day.

See you in the funny papers chickadees!

4:06 PM - 17 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

A Little Snippet from the Geezer House
Category: Life

So I have this thing, I see hearts everywhere and I believe they're from Jimmy...from 'beyond'. I see them in coffee stains, little cigarette ashes, and my favorite, the one that made me giggle out loud, was the poop heart. Silly boy. And I always say, "Thank you baby." And they always make me smile.

Then I have this other thing, I talk to my cats all the time. Once in a while, Geezer thinks I'm talking to him.

"What?"

"I was talking to the cat."

So we were sitting in the living room and I found this perfect little coffee heart on the lip of my coffee cup. So I put my lips close to it and said, as quietly as possible, "Thank you baby, that's a beautiful heart."

Of course Geezer had to say, "What?" And as I was sure that Geezer would roll his eyes if I told him I was talking to Jimmy, who's in the beyond,  I said, "I was talking to my coffee cup." (So much more legit.)

"You were talking to your coffee cup?"

"Yeah."

So Geezer picked up the remote control and started whispering to it. I can't be sure, but I think he was telling it that I was talking to my coffee cup and I'm pretty sure I heard the word crazy in there somewhere.

Me: "Well it does make more sense to talk to a remote control."

"Yeah, at least it has a computer brain."

Whew, I narrowly escaped that one. Yep chickadees, just another normal moment from the Geezer house. See you in the funny papers!

2:44 PM - 50 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

alive
Category: Writing and Poetry

funky
hippy
junkyard  

like
an empty shell
knockin' around
this place
sometimes

fragile
and naked

yet
i've never
felt so alive

on the brink
looking both ways
before crossing
the street

floating
falling
wild

4:11 PM - 22 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

I miss...
Category: Life

Yummy sweet melt me cute. Seein' that beautiful soul through those brown eyes. The thrill just from hearing him pull into the driveway, home from work.

'Hellooooooooo?!'

'Helloooooooooo!'

'How was your day baby?'

Tattooed macho prison strut but...

...so soft with the kitties...

...and soft with me.

The way he didn't understand my disorder at first but...rather than stand his ground, he chose to learn. And he became my rock. Yes, my rock did float away at times, but when he was with me, he was really with me. He was my greatest advocate.

And my biggest fan. I'd always let him read my shit before anyone else and I'd sit in anticipation as he'd read my latest writing and he'd laugh in all the right places and awww in all the right places, then turn to me with the most sincere praise. Those were certainly some of my favorite moments. If something wasn't quite right, he'd easily pick it out and I'd fix it and it was always better. I could then post with confidence. You know, I haven't really written anything since he left...not since he died...since he left. Perhaps he was my mojo 'cause I feel like it's gone. Maybe when my mourning is complete, I'll get it back.

See you in the funny papers lovely chickadees.

6:46 PM - 36 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment

burnin’
Category: Writing and Poetry

i'm still
burnin'
for you
i still
feel
you
burnin'
for me

i still
hear you
loud
and
clear
and
i do
feel you
feeling
my tears

i will
burn bright
for you
and love
you
for
all
of
my
years

2:36 PM - 22 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

Clam Souls
Category: Writing and Poetry

double concessions
and
easily amused
and paul says
you're beautiful
all over
he's been
in love
with me
for
like
ever

buttons
and
bad boys
and he says
ooh i love
the bad boys
wrong bad boys
and
wrong button

paul's horn happy
and
we have to
stay tuned
mz kelli always
has issues
(we heard some
chick in the
burger king
say)

you don't like
moulin rouge?
that's it
i'm through
with you
one of these days
kid
one of these days
boom
straight to the moon

5:58 PM - 17 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

Hello?

I'm back! And I have an extremely lame photo blog in the works and a poem, as I've written poems about mine and my friend Paul's adventures for God knows how many years.

I freakin' missed the hell out of my chickadees!

Love ya and see you in the funny papers lovelies.

11:31 AM - 31 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Still Travelin’
Category: Travel and Places

I am going to Florida (near Miami) this Wednesday for two weeks. I've never been there and I'm so excited to go somewhere unlike anywhere I've been before. I am going to swim in a warm ocean, ride on the back of a motorcycle, swim in a pool whenever I like and watch movies galore (which I have not done since Jimmy was here). I'm going to go out for lobster, go to the horse races, go see the Keys and the Everglades and ride one of those air boat thingys and see alligators and whatever else. I'm looking forward to just getting away...I've been cooped up here for too long and I need to let my mind be free of familiar things and just be somewhere different for a while.

I'm going to be very happy to see my friend Paul (some of you may know about him from past blogs). We've been close friends for about fifteen years and I love him dearly. Oh and I love that he's springing for my whole trip, including the airfare. He rocks.

I'm sorry I've been so blogless lately chickadees. I think my mind's just been too clogged up. Maybe this trip will be like brain draino and I'll be full of blogs when I return. I won't have access to the net while I'm away, so I will miss you.

I love you and I will see you in the funny papers!

ps
I'm going to take lots of pictures, so there will be photo blogs. :)

one more
My cat just actually spoke to me...(come on Wednesday).

2:40 PM - 32 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

He (with a thank you note)
Category: Life

He was the love of my life, hands down. We had a special connection that is so rare. Despite his flaws, despite the pain he caused me over the years, I still loved that boy with my whole heart and soul. And he loved me too. But he was an addict and love was not enough to battle the pull of his addiction. He said that he would die for me but instead, he died for his other love. It was a tragedy, he was so full of life. The pain is on the back burner for now, my mind remembers only the good things which are many.

He was my best friend. With him I could totally be myself, and whenever I was suffering, he wasn’t just there for me, he was there with me. He often said that he wished he could take my pain away, or at least to feel it in it’s entirety so that he could know how I felt. A big part of his suffering in his earthly life was his frustration in trying to ease my inconsolable pain. I hope he knows now that even though he could not take it away, he was my greatest comfort. My belief is that he does know that now. I’m comforted in knowing that all the things I did not say enough, he knows now.

He left me often, but when he was with me, he was completely there for me. He was my shining hero and he shined bright. I was his everything when he was with me. Unfortunately for both of us, there was that call that he just couldn’t ignore. In the end, it was his demon that killed him. I’m still baffled and I cannot reconcile the facts that the boy who loved life with a passion is gone and the girl who barely clings to life is still here. Someday I will find the lesson that is there, someday after my grieving finds it’s closure and my mind stills, I will know the answer. For now, I only want to remember the good things, and to remember what a beautiful soul my Jimmy was (and is)...

* * *

Thank you everyone for your beautiful comments. I’ve been truly blessed with the best and most amazing friends.

Much love,
Kelli

10:15 AM - 31 Comments - 60 Kudos - Add Comment

Jimmy’s Poems
Category: Writing and Poetry

These are poems that Jimmy wrote for me a long time ago. I want to share them because they are so beautiful. The last one has always been my favorite. I miss him with my whole heart and soul and I'm still in disbelief.

Also, thank you to everyone who's sent me love and beautiful, kind words.  It means a great deal to me and I feel very blessed with the people I've met here.

Much love to you all,
Kelli

* * *

sometimes i see you in my dreams,
can this be the truth i seek?
but i don't know what time is sayin,
if you love me, just let me in.

sometimes i know that truth is fake,
i don't know if your love i can take.
this love you give to me can it be so real?
back to a time, when i could feel.

* * *

through the endless winds, i feel you whisper my name,
yet my mind hears only echos, as i try to do the same.
as i sit here and think of you, i watch mysterious shadows,
your thoughts fill me with peace, yet you shall never know.

like a river of love, my crying joy shall conquer all my painful tears,
our success is but a destiny, a journey made through the years.
i try to escape this madness, it slips my grasp like holes in a sieve,
if only i could spend one night, my heart to you i would give.

lately my life seems happier, a deeper shade of blue,
if i had a reasonable choice my love, i'd rather be with you.
time goes on, and so it must be,
one day i hope to be in your arms, i'll have to wait and see.

* * *

nothing could separate my love from you,
my last breath i would give for you,
i would joyfully rewalk the years of my birth,
i would wither in the darkness of the earth,
upon the mound of my grave,
wild flowers would arise in testemony of my love,
nobody could ever separate my love from you,
not even the heavens above.

~James~

11:32 AM - 26 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Jimmy

For those of you who don't know and those of you who've left such beautiful, heart felt comments on my dad's blog, it's with a broken heart that I tell you that Jimmy died yesterday. He had a heart attack and his body was too weak to take it. I am devastated and in complete disbelief.

I want to thank everyone who's sent so much love our way. It's helped me tremendously and I know that Jimmy took his with him when he left. I'll try to get to your comments and messages soon if I can. I'm going to Arizona on Monday to stay with my mom for a while.

Rest in peace my baby. I've always loved you and I always will.

I love you all.
Kelli

11:01 PM - 31 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

Update.

First of all, thank you all for such beautiful, hope-inspiring and thoughtful comments. Epecially thank you for your prayers and positive energy. We've created a loving network that is far beyond what I expected. I really cannot thank you enough.

Jimmy is doing ever so slightly better every day. He is still in very critical condition but his body is steadily producing more white blood cells, they've lowered his sedation and put him on a feeding tube, so his body is now recieving nourishment. He's also looked into his mom's and sister's eyes a couple of times and lifed his arm a little. It's all great news considering that he wasn't expected to live just a few days ago. I know that God and all the loving energy from you lovely people has everything to do with it.

As for me, just when it looked impossible for me to make it to his side, doors were opened. I now have a bus ticket and someone to pick me up in Flagstaff. I will get to see him a week from Tuesday and I have my mom to stay with for as long as I need to.

Thank you again for everything. You chickadees rock my world.

Love,
Mz Kelli

7:06 PM - 22 Comments - 40 Kudos - Add Comment

Please read.
Category: Life

My husband went to the hospital in Arizona monday morning because he couldn't breathe. He has double pneumonia and a wide-spread infection and he had no white blood cells when he went in. Tuesday night the doctors told his family that he was definitely going to die and probably wouldn't make it through the night. But he did make it through the night and as of last night, his body had produced some white blood cells and the doctor said there was a glimmer of hope. As of this morning, he has improved just the slightest bit. I'm not going to go into all the details, I'm not a doctor and all the technicalities have my head spinning.

The bottom line is he needs prayers. However you pray, whatever your belief is, please say a little prayer or think a positive thought for him. No matter what has happened between Jimmy and me, he has a huge heart and he is a good person, and he has an unbelievable zest for life. He is fighting for his life right now and I want all the help for him I can get. I cannot stand the thought of this world without him in it.

Also, I can't get to him. I have no resources and both me and my sister have tried ever venue we could think of. Almost every attempt has been exhausted and I am exhuasted from trying so hard. Right now I'm just stepping back and letting the universe work for me and whatever will be will be.

I don't need sympathy, I just want all the positive energy I can get for my Jimmy.

Thank you.

Mz K

3:27 PM - 70 Comments - 41 Kudos - Add Comment

A 360 of Mz Kelli’s Room (photo blog)
Category: Art and Photography

Ok, so I'm bored off my ass. And speaking of my ass, I took these photos without my ass ever leaving my lovely swivel office chair. So this is truly a 360, Mz Kelli's-eye-view of my little world.



What I stare at for about 70% of my day. Can you spot the meds?



Wanna see my icons?



Wasted away in Milwaukee's Bestville again.



Play, stop, repeat, skip, search. That is me in a nutshell.



I never move anywhere without Baby Nancy. Not ever. I've had her since I was five.



The place to rest my weary head. Ahhhhhh.



The requisite cat.



Shit to be done. Yeah, those clothes have been sitting there for two weeks.



The other room.



Back to square one. I would not want to be without my Goddess or my dictionary. (Look Toni, I taped your words to my pc.) See you in the funny papers!

11:46 AM - 26 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Whirling and Swirling (repost)
Category: Writing and Poetry

i came home still whirling
with you all over me
bury my clothes
fast in the shower
no seconds to spare
he's at the door
towel still on my head
and your essence still
     swirling
          slowly
              down
                  the drain

11:52 AM - 11 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment