So I'm preaching tomorrow morning at East Ridge Retirement Center.
Confused? Let me explain...We have a ministry at East Ridge Retirement Center. We go there every week and have a service for residents there who cannot make it to church with us at Ridgedale. As you might expect they are in their 70's, 80's and 90's. The man who heads up this ministry and is usually there on Sunday mornings is going to be out of town this week. He needed someone to replace him so since I work with the youth, he asked me. You might think that is crazy, but my first thought was, "Finally, a group who will really understand my Murder, She Wrote illustrations!"
As we talked over what the service would be, I asked if I could talk about whatever I wanted or was there a certain book of the Bible or study they were going through. He said they were doing a study on Wisdom in Everyday Life. From Proverbs. This week is chapter 6.
So I am gonna talk to old people about wisdom. I ate homemade ice cream and Doritos for dinner tonight, I'm not sure I'm qualified to talk to anyone about wisdom. What makes it better is that the title of this week's study is "Three Rules For Working Smart." Huh? "Working Smart"???
The people I am talking to are retired. You know how I know that... It says it right there in the name: East Ridge Retirement Center. Hmm, we'll see how that goes.
To increase my chances of being successful I bought a new blazer today. I actually bought two. I tried on more blazers today in twenty minutes than I have in my whole life... and narry a one was new. The two I bought were a total of $7.47. They are pretty snazzy.
I figured I would seem wiser if I were wearing a blazer. It works for college professors so why not nursing home preachers. Pretty smart, huh? Wisdom, I'm full of it.
I'm also leading the music, which should be interesting. They said, "Have you ever led music?" and I said, "No." They said, "Well, I'm sure you'll do great."
Fantastic!
I spoke with Mrs. Carolyn who plays the piano and we are gonna sing several old hymns and end with Amazing Grace because if we don't sing it they get upset. I was thinking that since they like it so much we might forego the hymns and just sing it 4 times, you know, just to give me a head start going into the sermon. On wisdom. In the workplace. For people who live at the retirement center.
I can't wait to let you know how it went. Especially the "bedhead" illustration. It will probably go a little bit like this:
Me: "blah, blah, blah, bedhead, blah, blah..."
Bertha: "What? Bed what? What? Bread when? Huh?"
Me: "No, "bedhead". Bed... Head."
Bertha: "Bed...Head?? What is that?"
Me: "It's, you know, your hair when you first get out of bed in the morning... before you fix it. It's sticking up in some places, and it's flat in some places and... well, like Mrs. Ruth's there for instance... Or Elmer... Or that whole row right there..."
Yeah, I might just stick with the JB Fletcher references.
So my couch has an imDb page and I don’t. Awesome.
*I'm really poor. The other day I was making a ham and cheese sandwich and I was thinking, When I win the lottery the first thing I am going to buy is cheese. Like real cheese. American cheese, Swiss cheese, Cheddar cheese, any kind of cheese besides the "WalMart Brand Imitation Cheese."
Also I will buy a llama.
*I love the Hallmark Channel. I love Matlock and Murder, She Wrote and I'm pretty sure if I were to fill out an eHarmony profile account and I didn't put my age I'd probably get fixed up with your grandma.
*I love the way that capitalized "Cheddar" in cheddar cheese earlier like it was a nationality like American or Swiss.
*I'm tired of all these parents thinking they can decide what I am going to call their baby. Quit being so overprotective. If I want to call your baby Izzy or Angelina Jolie or Snow White, what's the big deal? And, Christa, guess what... I'm gonna call your baby "Malcolm".
*Me and my made up girlfriend broke up today. I know... it's not the way I imagined it would end.
*The High School students are away to Pennsylvania on a mission trip. They are going to Philadelphia and Hershey and to Lancaster which is Amish country. This is a picture they sent me for the website:
Notice the Amish Target right next to the Amish quilt house.
*The other day I was cruising the internet and watching a Hallmark Mystery Movie at my house and was only halfway paying attention. During one of the commercial breaks I looked up and saw my house. It kinda freaked me out.
The couch I was sitting on was ON TV. It was a Truman Show moment, I stopped what I was doing, set my computer down and just stared.
Turns out I wasn't on the Truman Show, which was a relief because I was only wearing socks, tighty-whiteys and a t-shirt. Anyway, a few months ago a guy from church filmed a commercial in my house while I was at work. It was for Choo Choo Exteriors. If you live in Chattanooga and happen to see it and think, "Hey, that looks like my Grandma's floweredy couch," that's my living room.
*There are lots of funny videos in the world so I thought I would share some with you in a segment that I am calling:
Have You Seen This???
I know that blogs don't normally have segments so pretend my blog is Inside Edition and shut up and watch these videos.
*Spelling Bee
The first one is from this past weekend's National Spelling Bee. It used to be on ESPN but now it is getting really popular and they are putting it on ABC. It's kinda like NBA basketball in that way. Anyway, the guy you are going to see went on to win the Championship, but not until he spelled this word:
..
*This is a cool improv event in New York. I love the guy on a cart.
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*I don't really like comic books or movies based on comics but Chad Poe showed me these the other day and I thought they were really funny. It is based on the "I'm a Mac... and I'm a PC" commercials.
..
If you liked it, there are lots more you should check out.
*Check out this video, it is from Pet Star, the amazing pet talent show that was hosted by AC Slater. The first part is okay, but the end is crazy!
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That dog knows his multiplication tables better than I do!
*Speaking of amazing, you have to go to youtube and search for the "interactive card trick"... it is FREAKING CRAZY!
It won't let me embed it here but you have to check it out, it has worked for me every time. CRAZY!
Hitler ruined the "Charlie Chaplin" moustache for a LOT of people.
*My sister is having a baby tomorrow. Over the past 40 weeks or so she has been sending us pictures of her baby belly. Well, she has only been sending them for the last 20 weeks, pictures before that would have been creepy I guess.
Anyway, here are a few of the pictures she sent:
(that's this week)
(that's a couple of weeks ago)
(that's from Easter, she doesn't randomly paint her stomach like an egg.)
And the other day I was thinking, "You know what, Shelli keeps sending me pictures of her belly every week and I haven't sent her one of mine." So I sent her this one:
And by her, I mean I accidentally hit "reply all" and sent it to EVERYONE she had been sending her belly pictures around to...
*Ever since I went on staff at Ridgedale Baptist Church, my friends often ask me what we ministers do around the church all week since we only really work one day a week. Well, we do a lot. We go to lunch. And we have meetings. There are usually several lunch meetings every week. And we have staff meeting, that's an important day. Yesterday was our weekly staff meeting.
People always ask what we do at staff meeting. Well, we eat breakfast. And we talk about meetings. We set lunches. And also we take breaks...
Where we play air hockey with our pastor.
And we play foosball with the rec minister and associate pastor. (and our Administrator checks his Facebook and MySpace pages.)
We also usually complain about how hard we work and many hours we have to put in...
*As I was looking through the pictures on my camera I saw this one. I want to set it up for you a little bit....
My mom was in the hospital for like 10 days. It felt like a 100...it SUCKED! She had surgery on her colon and large and small intestines, which completely jacked up her digestive system, which took a while to get "back to normal." The doctor wouldn't release her to go home until they were certain "all was well."
In the subarctic hospital room I spent 23.5 hours a day for 10 days straight, there was this dry-erase board on the wall where all the nurses would write their names and the date and how long their shift would last. I would usually write in the day of the week and something inspirational about that day. Like this:
How do I feel about hospitals, you might be asking yourself?
Two Thumbs Down.
*Here's a video called SHAVING KEVIN'S BEARD
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I saw that I got a comment on my YouTube video...
I scrolled down to it and it said:
"Szkoda tej pięknej brody! Pozdrawiam z Polski!"
Uhhh...that's Polish. From a guy in Poland. Kamilkastro.
Translated it says:
"Damage of this beautiful fine chin beard! I salute from Poland!"
WOW! Thanks Kamilkastro! (I am assuming that is a compliment...)
Check out more fun stuff like this...AS WELL AS A BRAND NEW EPISODE...at pat-CAST.com
Hey Darwin,while you were counting insect feet,Natural Selection evolved into IntelligentDesign
*Ben Stein has a movie out right now called "EXPELLED: No Intelligence Allowed". It is a documentary about the debate between Evolution and Intelligent Design. Ben goes around the country and talks with top scientists and professors and discusses with them why people get so upset about schools teaching Intelligent Design in addition to or instead of Evolution.
To make sure we are all starting out on the same page with this debate let's define what is meant by both Intelligent Design and Evolution.
According to Wikipedia, which as we all know is the most reliable source of information on the interweb, "Evolution" aka "Darwinism" aka "Natural Selection" is a process causing heritable traits that are helpful for survival and reproduction to become more common in a population, and harmful traits to become more rare. This occurs because individuals with advantageous traits are more likely to reproduce successfully, so that more individuals in the next generation inherit these traits.
In simpler terms, "Survival of the Fittest," meaning that if it works better it will gradually become a dominant trait until eventually all with the inferior traits are gone.
Intelligent Design basically is the opposite of the Big Bang and Natural Selection. It states that there was a creator (God) who created nouns (people, places, and things). Some people refer to it as Creationism. And it is even sometimes referred to as "What I Did That One Week When I Created Everything"... by God, obviously.
Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing the movie but I don't need to see it to know that we haven't evolved from blobs of goo or monkeys or cavemen or whatever into the people we are today and no matter what you believe I would like you to give me a chance to explain it. I will use my cold from this weekend to prove it:
I had a cold this weekend... a snotty, snotty headcold. I had a sore throat and my head was killing me; I was achy and snot was snotting all out my nose (and yes, I realize I used snot as a smurf would use "smurf" but I am not gonna change it bc I think you get my point.). I couldn't stop blowing my nose... it just kept coming and coming and coming and my nose was getting all red and sore and my head was hurting and the whole middle of my face was getting chapped and it was just awful and right there in the middle of it I looked in the mirror.
And I saw a sad and tired and beaten man with a bright red nose and chapped bearded upper lip looking back at me. I had blood shot eyes from blowing my stuffed up yet constantly running nose and I had beads of sweat on my forehead but felt cold all over. My lips were chapped from the hours and hours of breathing in and out and in and out of my always gaping mouth. It was truly a sad sight.
So is evolution true? Did I evolve from a chimp or a gorilla?
No, no, if evolution were true, if evolution was the way we all got here to where we are today, then I wouldn't be that sad and tired and chapped, snotty, runny-nosed, stopped-up man. If evolution were the way we got here then snot, whatever the heck snot is anyway, would come out of somewhere else... like my finger.
I would shoot it out of my pointer finger like it was a water pistol. I would shoot snot in a constant stream of SuperSoaker glory and it would be the coolest thing ever. I would look forward to being snotty and would never be chapped and most certainly would never have a beet red nose. Snotty nosed apes would long have become extinct and only cool SuperSoaker Snot-Shooting Cavemen would have evolved into the humans we know today.
Noses would only be used to hold up eyeglasses and smell roses and would serve only as conversation pieces like belly buttons and redheads. Long ago would noses have ceased to be the exit point of... ANYTHING! And that, my friends, is why there must have been intelligent design because if evolution were in charge you would be eating pizza through your belly button and I wouldn't be going bald.
But if you still don't believe me then go see Ben Stein's movie. And then even after hearing my concrete snot theory and seeing the movie you aren't convinced please drop me a line. I would love to know what you thought of the movie and I will be especially excited to hear your predictions on what color of hair your robot grandchildren will have.
*Sometimes there are weird news stories. Crazy, can't believe they are real, news stories. This is my favorite that I've seen today; it is gonna have you curious just as soon as you read the title:
It is a surprisingly accurate site of things that White People Like... For example, grammar, scarves, coffee, and making you feel bad for not going outside. You should spend some time at work or school checking this site out.
It is a hilarious site of, and I hate to tell you this because I don't want to ruin it, but... ahh, you know what... Look at it... if you get mad at me then you're probably uptight and chances are we won't ever hang out anyway.
And if you are still with me then you must have liked the sites I sent you to so I'll give you one more:
Check out the picture a few posts down. Feel free to right click and save that for ever and ever and ever. I plan on printing one off myself and framing it and putting it on my desk at wherever I go to work after I am fired from the job I work at now.
In a related note... I am looking for any and all embarrassing pictures of Joel P Reynolds because, as the saying goes, Revenge is a Dish Best Served On The Internet For Everyone To See.
*I know after my last blog several of you thought I was not eco-friendly. Well, you couldn't be more wrong, and I'll be glad to accept your apology. You guys can get together and just sign the same apology card if you want so you can save on paper.
I have two examples of my eco-awesomeness I would like to now share with you.
1) Styrofoam never breaks down. EVER. It sits in landfills and takes up space that should be saved for biodegradable diapers and NEVER goes away. So to help curb an overabundance of styrofoam in landfills I have been using the same styrofoam cup since November of 2006. That's right, I have been using the same cup for a year and a half. I use it, wash it the dishwasher, and use it again. That's pretty eco-awesome!
2) And just the other day I was a part of this eco-friendly moment:
I was walking in a parking lot enjoying the outdoorsness when I had a guy try to hand me a flyer about Earth Day. I smiled and told him no thank you. He sneered and said, "You just don't get it, man, you just don't get it."
To which I said, "Yeah, I guess it would be wasteful not to use the 3,000 acres an hour of rain forest they are destroying for something, huh?"
*Yesterday in preparation for my glorious Saturday at home full of laying around and doing nothing all day I filled up my Jeep's gas tank. In retrospect I probably should have filled up my fridge. For dinner tonight I had the choice of leftover lemon peppered chicken I cooked two weeks ago or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on graham crackers.
*So it turns out that Groomer Has It is not a hilarious Saturday Night Live skit but an actual tv show. I was watching the Man vs. Wild episode from last night I had dvred and when it was over I was not paying much attention and it kicked back to regular tv. I thought it was on E! and that I was then watching an old SNL. There was this skit about these crazy dog groomers... it was a reality show that was a mix of Project Runway and The Dog Whisperer and it was hilarious. They were having to wear blindfolds and try and figure out what breed of dog it was and one guy asked if he could sniff its butt. I was cracking up!
Then it kept going on and on and I was thinking, "This is the longest (and funniest) SNL skit I've seen in a while." And then the character, who I thought was being played by Amy Poehler, got voted off and the credits started rolling and I realized it wasn't a SNL skit but that it was a real show on Animal Planet.
Which made it even funnier. If you haven't watched this show you HAVE to... it is hilarious.
*I probably need a girlfriend... but right now I don't have one... which is good for you guys because I have time to find out things like this:
There is a website called abbreviations.com where you can go and get the abbreviation for pretty much any word or you can get the word for any abbreviation. It is pretty cool. What I found to be funny is that when you plug in "abbreviation" you find there are no abbreviations. That's right, there is no abbreviation for "abbreviation."
*I am a grownup, have been for a while, but I have never "chatted" until about a week ago when Facebook added their new "Chat" feature. Below is an excerpt from one of my first chats:
We pick up on a chat already in progress...
12:03amKevin
yes, it is. thanks! we do need to catch up. my number is, with the area code first because that seems to be the most accepted way: 423.243.6536
and the first piece of catch up news for you is that i am going to see gallagher the comedian tomorrow night.
12:04am Adreinne
i just died....can't wait to hear all about it
12:04amKevin
when i first read that i was sad.... but then you wrote more and i realized that there must be facebook in heaven so then i was happy again.
12:05amAdreinne
i just saved your number...call you from purgatory
12:06amKevin
cool! and don't worry i will start a "save adrienne from purgatory" facebook group and together we will raise enough money to buy you out.
I would have included an excerpt from my first chat but it was more like this:
11:13pm Friend
Isn't Chat awesome!
11:49pm Kevin
No. Chat is hard.
*If you don't eat or drink anything you won't need to pee or poop, which means you can stay in bed all day on your day off.
People judge me and call me lazy, but you know where I came up with that idea... in bed on my day off.
*Have you ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that you knew you were gonna break up with but they didn't know it yet? That's kinda the relationship I have going on with my cat right now.
*Last Sunday they played the handbells at church, and while they were playing them I was watching all the ringers... that's what you are supposed to call them "ringers"... anyway, I was watching the ringers ringing their bells, and they each had four to six bells they were in charge of and they were ringing away and picking up and putting down bells and as they concentrated intently on their music sheets in front of them I started wondering what those sheets of handbell music looked like.
I wondered if it was sheet music like you would see for a guitar or a piano or was it more like this:
I think they are playing again this week, I am gonna try to sneak up there and see.
*I found out this week that former Dallas Cowboy great Hershael Walker has come out saying that he has Multiple Personality Disorder. Call me cynical but I think he is just coming out with this so he can charge more for appearance fees.
"Well... the reason I am charging so much is because ALL of us are gonna be there..."
*And now for THIS WEEK IN THE CRAZY NEWS:
After months of deliberation a legless Olympic athlete was banned from the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics because it was ruled he had an unfair advantage. WHAAAA?!?!?!?
Speaking of China, have you heard that there is a limit to how many of the 50 pound bags of rice you can buy at Costco and Sam's Club. Which prompts the question that, for the first time probably ever, I ask unsarcastically, "What IS the price of rice in China????"
*I almost got run over by a motorcycle the other day crossing the street downtown. It was scary and the more I thought about it, it was embarrassing. Or would have been had I gotten run over... by a motorcycle.
I could just hear you now:
"You got run over by a motorcycle? Seriously? A motorcycle is like 18 inches wide... you couldn't move over 18 inches? You couldn't scoot over or jump or dive 18 inches out of the way? 18 inches is like one step... you couldn't take one step frontwards, or backwards, and not get run over by a motorcycle?"
"Well, it was actually a scooter," I would admit, "I just called it a motorcycle so I wouldn't look stupid but after what you just said, I may as well just tell you it was a scooter."
*Okay, so I am an idiot, and I could probably go on all night... but I won't. I have been locked up in my house all day long cleaning and doing laundry and eating peanut butter and jelly "sandwiches" and have had a lot of time to think... too much time. Sorry.
I can't leave you without mentioning the patCAST. Many of you have listened already, and those who haven't, should. I mention it because I have been lucky enough to be a part of it, but also because I am pretty sure it is backed by mob money and if I don't mention it that someone named Bruno will break my kneecaps. While no one has said this specifically it has been hinted at...
So go to pat-CAST.com and listen... and if you like it tell your friends. If you don't like it please email the reasons why to Bruno@pat-CAST.com and he will get with you as soon as possible.
Tomorrow is Earth Day and here is a list of things I am going to do to celebrate:
*I am going to take 2 showers today so I don't have to take one tomorrow.
*The eleven hours I spend on Facebook tomorrow will be by candlelight.
*I am gonna eat the same leftovers I have eaten for 2 days straight. This is mainly economic but I still feel it should count.
*I will manually electronically open my garage door.
*Instead of making up a separate and unique song to sing to everyone on Earth Day I am gonna use one that already exists. I am gonna just substitute "Earth Day" for "Birthday" in the Ryan's Steakhouse Happy Birthday song. That one is a double earth friendly one.
*I am gonna call in sick to work tomorrow so I do not have to burn gas driving to work.
*If it is yellow I will let it mellow...
*Instead of watching tv I am gonna sit on my porch and just remember past episodes of tv that I have seen an.... yeah, no I am still gonna watch tv. Maybe I'll just do that by candlelight, too.
*Instead of spending fifty cents on a newspaper I am not gonna read, I am just not gonna read the one online.
*I am going to recharge my iPod with a potato instead of my computer.
*At home I will not run my air conditioner. And leave my windows open like I normally do. I will choose one or the other. Most likely that will be running the air conditioner.
*I am going to create a compost just over the fence in my neighbor's back yard.
*I'm gonna plant a tree. Okay, I'm probably not gonna plant a tree but I am for sure not gonna cut one down.
*I am only going to drink rainwater. Wait, Barq's makes rootbeer from rainwater, right?
*I will end my 6 year feud with Earth! Water! Heart! and Fire! and finally combine our powers so that Captain Planet can take pollution down to zero. Because you see, he's our powers magnified and he's fighting on the planet's side... Captain Planet, he's our hero and he's gonna take pollution down to zero.
In honor of Earth Day I painted this (to make fun of recycling):
*If you haven't yet, go listen to the latest episode of patCAST you should. Go to pat-cast.com and read the blogs and listen to the podcast, I promise it will bless your heart.
*I was late to work Thursday because I watched the Pope deliver his Papal address. It was long and boring and in no way was it worth being late to work. When I got to work I had this conversation with Tony, my boss.
Me: Hey buddy, what's up.
Tony: Hey man, where have you been?
Me: I was watching the Pope "preach," sorry. It was long and boring and pretty ridiculous.
Tony: Was it really long and boring?
Me: Is the Pope Catholic?
Tony: Huh?
Me: Yeah, I'm not sure I used that right...
*Speaking of the Pope's "sermon"... it really was the most boring speech I have ever heard. I'm not saying the Pope isn't smart, he speaks like ten languages, and that's great, I just think that maybe he's not the greatest speaker... now as a hypnotist... I bet he could hypnotize a whole bunch of people in any of those 10 languages.
"You're getting very sleepy... Sie erhalten... sehr schläfrig...Vous devenez très somnolent... State ottenendo molto sleepy..."
*I did have aspirations for being president but I am not sure I could do it because of all the shaking of the hands. I think I am developing arthritis of the right lower thumb.
Maybe I can be the first presidential candidate who instead of kissing babies and shaking hands I kiss babies and high five hands. Or maybe I can just hug a lot. I think America is ready for a huggable president.
*Do you guys remember the smurfs? "La la la la la la... la la la la la..." Fifty years ago some crazy French dude said, "I wonder what lives inside wild mushrooms in the forest? I bet it's a whole bunch of itty-bitty blue dudes who never wear shirts but always where poofy white hats."
"Are there no girls?" his friend probably asked. "Girls? Yeah, there is a girl who lives there with them, her name is Smurfette."
UNICEF made a video with the Smurfs, have you guys seen it?
..
Wow... that is not smurfy at all...
By the way, that text says: "laat oorlog de wereld van de kinderen niet verwoesten."
Which translated from Dutch to English says: "war does not let devastate the world of the children."
HAPPY 50TH ANNIVERSARY SMURFS!!!
*A month or two we got a new sign up at The Summit. The Summit is the building that contains our Youth Ministry Worship Area, Sunday School Rooms, and Rec Center. It also contains our counseling center and a few other offices that are rented out by other businesses. So we got this sign and we were all very excited because it wasn't just a regular sign it was one of those cool new electronic color LED signs.
It was awesome to get but we kept having trouble getting permits from the crazy mean sign permit guy from the city and then when we got it we had trouble with the wireless relay and graphics program... anyway, this week we finally got it working and it looked great.
The only thing is that the very day we got our sign working the church across the street put this up:
We may as well put a giant color LED arrow pointing over to that giant cross because they are gonna be looking at it anyway...
*Somehow in the storms last week the birdbath in my front yard got knocked over. It's no big deal I guess because I have one in my backyard too. Just in case I put a sign on the one in the front...
April 13th: If Thomas Jefferson was still alive we’d celebrate his birthday... but he’s not.
Tomorrow is my birthday... I will be old..er...ish. I don't want to talk about it.
Anyway, this year for my birthday cake I think I am gonna ask for a funnel cake with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEVIN!" written in powdered sugar. This is The Year of the Jubilee and I am gonna get it kicked off right!
And yes, I realize that probably only Chad got that last little joke, but that's okay. It is from a song, my favorite song -Days of Elijah- and "jubilee" is a synonym for "festival" and I LOVE festivals. If you're looking for a gift to get me, a ticket to every festival in a 60 mile radius would be a great gift.
To get an idea of other gifts I might like please check out this list: HERE
I know, I know, it's Oprah's Favorites List from last Christmas. Say what you may about her... that she is bad person, the devil, or even the AntiChrist, but she writes up a great gift list. And I'm not trying to sound unreasonable or greedy, maybe you could find someone to go halfsies with you on that UNITED ARTISTS 90TH ANNIVERSARY PRESTIGE COLLECTION or maybe that awesome SAMSUNG camera.
*I know there has been some debate about this, but I would like to go on record saying that I believe Jay-Z and Beyonce ARE married even though they haven't yet changed their Facebook relationship status.
*Speaking of Facebook, I've been meaning to get this off my chest...
Dear Facebook,
Quit trying to fix me and Beth Thrasher up as friends. We don't know each other... at all. Not in real life. Not on Facebook. Not even on MySpace. I appreciate your concern that she and I would make great friends, but if it is gonna happen, let's let it happen on its on terms... in its on time.
Thank You,
Kevin K Lewis
*This week was Idol Gives Back, the show where Idol takes the night off and tries to raise money for the Impoverished and Malnourished around the world. It is actually a really great thing and many celebrities stop by or tape a message telling us to call in and give some money.
This year one of those people was Brad Pitt. They tape the show on Sunday night and apparently the crowd thought that Brad Pitt would never show up in person to try to raise money for impoverished and malnourished kids even though he travels the world trying to help them out and has, with Angelina Jolie, even adopted a half dozen or two of them.
Anyway, when he showed up in person the crowd went nuts and imDb.com wrote a little news blurb about it and about the night in general. SEE THAT HERE
What I love about this article is not that Brad Pitt stunned the audience by showing up but a little further down in the paragraph when it said this:
"But Pitt's magical moment wasn't the only highlight of the show - Fergie performed one-handed somersaults during her performance with Heart and Mariah Carey hit the high notes with a stunning finale."
Which again isn't that funny until you start to think that the blue underlined words are the people with links to them. Still not that funny because we all know that Fergie and Mariah Carey have links to them, but notice how Heart, the band from the 70's, 80's, and 90's who have sold over 30 million records, does not have a link.
What makes this even funnier is that if you look at the next story down, George Clooney's girlfriend, Sarah Larson, is underlined and highlighted meaning that she has a link to her. She is a former Vegas cocktail waitress who isn't famous, and certainly hasn't sold 30 million records, and pretty much her only claim to fame is that she is dating George Clooney.
And that's why it's funny, Michele.
*"Did you know that candles are the fastest growing part of the scent market... it's a 2 billion dollar a year industry..."
No, no I did not know that. And that's the reason I watch The Office.
*You know how some restaurants give you a free meal on your birthday? There's a restaurant here in Chattanooga that does that, it is Provinos in East Ridge and it is really good.
I was thinking the other day how I would like to start a club with all the people whose birthday is April 13th. We could be called The April 13, a nod to The Oceanic 6 from LOST. It would be a cool club with lax rules and no dress code. In fact, we would only meet once a year at Provino's. It would start small until finally in a few years when we pack out the place as the only people in the restaurant for the whole night.
It's just an idea...
I also have an idea to start a club for people who love Steven Seagal movies. It would be pretty much the same except no free dinner.
*I was researching Private Investigator School the other day and I was on the website for Private Investigator and Detective Training School and I was trying to find the application but I couldn't find it. I called the Admissions office and talked to Sally and she said that part of the way they weed people out is by making the application hard to find. "Think of it as an entrance exam," she said and hung up.
I quickly googled "admission form for Private Investigator and Detective Training School" and in 0.22 seconds it popped up. Being a private investigator is going to be so easy.
*Why do we say "congratulations" instead of "congratulation"? It's like you do one thing good and automatically you get multiple congratulation...sss for it.
The congratulations handed out should be in direct proportion to the good things you have done or have happened to you.
I'm not saying it is going to be my platform when I run for president or anything, I was just thinking about it and wanted to tell you about it.
*With all the technology that exists in this world today I need my T9 to be smarter than me. Seriously, I need it to assume that at least once I am gonna need to type the word "taco". And if I don't spell a word exactly right, I think the technology is there where it could guess. Like "kimono"... I might not spell that right when I am texting and driving AND trying to listen to All Things Considered on the radio. If I type in "kumono" or "kamono" I need it to be smart enough to know that I want to write "kimono". I don't need it to get the humor of why I am writing kimono, I just need it to trust me and be smart enough to make it happen.
And the taco thing... let's get back to that. I have never lived in a world where I couldn't drive a quarter of a mile to a Taco Bell and buy a TACO yet I have never owned a phone that when I typed in "8226" didn't pop up "tabo"... without even the option of making that taco. What the heck at&t, what the heck?!?!?
I mean I get it, you think I am typing in "taboo" because taboo is a big word in our vernacular. But guess what, at&t, it's not. In fact, it is kinda prohibited, kind of ironic, huh?
Okay, it's not really prohibited, I was just trying to make a point... "taco" needs to be a word that T9 knows because we all use it. And more than that, in the world we SHOULD BE living in, T9 needs to know that word and a whole lot more. If it knows that "929" is "cya" without me having to tell it then why can't it know taco?!?!?!? And I know that "taco" is considered by some to be a Spanish word, but "cya" isn't even a word at all.
And what's up with the beep? Every time I "misspell" a word my phone beeps. The people around me don't know that my T9 is an idiot, they think it is me. I have a hard enough time convincing people I'm not an idiot without T9 beeping all over the place.
I am VERY angry about this at&t and I would text you and tell you all about it except that my T9 doesn't know cuss words either...
Seriously, I need to know because I am being made to go on a 30 mile hike on the Appalachian Trail this Thursday through Saturday as part of my job. Why or how it is part of my job, I don’t know, but my boss says it is... so it is.
I am kinda freaked out because contrary to what the media will have you believe, bears are way more interested in eating me than they are in preventing forest fires. How do I know? Dwight Shrute told me:
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SEEEEEE!!!!
And not only that but I am way too out of shape to be hiking up Everest or wherever we are going. I had softball practice last night and this morning I could hardly get out of bed (and there weren’t even any hills!) If I am this sore from softball practice, how am I gonna make it on the trail?
It’s not on the supply list provided but I am definitely bringing TWO tubes of Flex-All 454. And a bottle of cocoa butter sunscreen. My pale complexion is easily sunburned and with my luck it will be all kinds of sunny. Sore and sunburned... this is gonna be awesome.
I know it sounds like I am complaining but if you knew what I was in for, you’d be complaining too. I’ve heard them talking when they didn’t think I could hear them, and from that I know that they are just bringing me along as bear bait. Yeah, BEAR BAIT! They figure as low man on the totem pole it is my duty to let the bear eat me instead of them.
Tony (my boss) has been joking and telling me to load up on carbs the next couple of days so I will have plenty of energy for walking (or running if necessary). Forget that, I am gonna be so sore that I won’t be able to outrun a bear anyway so I figure instead of loading up on carbs I would load up on spicy foods like Buffalo wings and Fiery Blazin’ Cheetos and pickled jalapeños because the way I see it if I am gonna be eaten by a bear I might taste like a delicious Thin Mint going in but I am sure as heck gonna BURN coming out.
It may not exactly be "going out on my terms," but it will definitely make a great story for Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Anyway, I have to get rested up because apparently another perk of the trip is lack of sleep...
By the way, do you guys remember me telling you about that documentary I watched a while back about the guy who built the bear suit? It was called Project Grizzly and ever since I found out I was going on this trip I have been trying to find that suit...
THIS SUIT...
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Any suit that can protect you from a bear... and a sneak attack from 3 bikers with baseball bats... and a head-on collision with a truck is worth the extra weight in your pack as far as I am concerned!
