Alone in the Parade
Category: Blogging

http://www.6seconds.org/modules.php?file=article&name=News&sid=282

Alone in the Parade 
 
 
Even though it's billed as "The World's Shortest Parade"(under 1/4 mile) the Aptos 4th of July parade takes over two hours because of the myriad marchers -- from the Ukulele crew to the giant pigeon to the few remaining World War veterans.  This year's parade had an accidental entry, a picture I can't get out of my head.

Imagine a small town street thronged with crowds and hundreds of people in a parade -- flags waving and cheering.

In the last decades, we've unleashed undreamed of social pressure on young adults, we don't understand and we're not prepared to cope.
 
Now imagine a teenage girl walking with one of the groups. She's a little apart from the team, looking a bit lost and alone, and she is talking on her cell phone, desperately trying to connect, oblivious to all the real people around her.

I've observed a similar scene in cities around the world, with adults too, but especially teens. Watching the girl at the parade, I started thinking about my own experience as a teen -- feeling disconnected, lonely, and often desperate. Like looking into the windows of a sweet shop and wishing I had a quarter for a treat. Maybe if I'd had the treat it wouldn't have satisfied me, but at the time you wouldn't have been able to convince me.

I suspect I'm not alone in feeling a perpetual outsider -- feeling something missing. Even Albert Einstein, one of my greatest heroes, said, "It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely."

"It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely."
- Albert Einstein
 
 
As I'm working to grow up, this void has become smaller and I worry about it less often, but it's there -- a hopeless longing that I "know" would be filled if only become successful enough, cool enough, fashionable enough, popular enough, smart enough.

The drive to connect, to be accepted, is both glorious and brutal. It drives us to care and connect -- and to engage in self-destructive behavior in a desperate bid to fit. I remember watching a counseling group with teens, the counselor asked one boy, "What would you do to feel accepted." The teen's immediate answer was a desperate "Anything."

As a teen, I had this sense of being outside, of missing the party. I was lonely much of the time, and that didn't really go away until Patty and I were living together. Since then, I can hardly think of five times I felt overwhelmed by the tide of loneliness, and most of those involve laying sleepless at 3 am, jetlagged on the other side of the globe (we just celebrated our 15th anniversary).

Part of the change is having a real partner, and part of it is growing up. I've come to know myself more, and like myself better. I've developed a bit of what the Six Seconds EQ Model calls "Intrinsic Motivation," that force that drives from within despite the noise and pressure from outside.

So the struggle is not new, but technology changes the pace. The girl alone in the parade was trapped in wireless loneliness - a primal pain brought to the digital age.

In a digital world, there is an added dimension of rapid but thin connection. Thin connections don't activate the same brain centers - they are simulations of but not substitutions for social contact. The speed and ease, however, makes them accessible and exciting.

The "thinness" of digital connection can't actually be fixed by quantity -- just as one can not get a healthy meal by eating a LOT of junk -- but the thinness may drive people to want more.
 
I feel this rush of connection and importance when I come into the office and there are 50 emails, and the phone is ringing, and I spend hours responding -- but by 2:00 the machines are quiet, and I feel let down, partly because the stimulus has faded, and partly because I didn't accomplish the meaningful work I'd set out for myself. This flurry of busy-ness is like those "energy drinks," where you get the illusion of vitality 'till the emptiness returns, redoubled.

I suspect there is a quasi-addiction to this stimulus that, combined with the pressure to belong, can lead people (especially teens) to fixate on their phones. This summer, in two cities on opposite sides of the country I happened to overhear parents talking about their teens' cell phone bills. Somehow in both cases the teen had racked up a $250 bill, and in both cases said "I wasn't my fault, friends just keep sending me text messages." Just as I can hardly say "no" to the waves of emails, I imagine the thousands of text messages send a slightly re-assuring "you're not alone" message.

The "thinness" of digital connection can't actually be fixed by quantity -- just as one can not get a healthy meal by eating a LOT of junk -- but the thinness may drive people to want more. I recently met Amelia, a wonderful, vibrant teen who happened to be in a corporate leadership workshop I was running. During a break she was checking on her MySpace friends. I asked how much time she spent a day on the site. She paused to count and said, "Probably 19." Thinking she'd misunderstood my question, I reiterated: "So how many hours per day?" She looked at me like I was a bit clueless (true), recounted on her fingers, "Yah, about 19."

It seems Amelia has a lot of company -- among 15-17 year-old teens, 70 percent girls and 57 of boys have profiles on sites such as MySpace (Pew Internet & American Life Project - here is a site with a lot of data on children and media: http://...com/2zjqwp ).

"it's not technology that's the issue. It's the disconnected relationships - the lack of emotional intelligence, ours and theirs."
 
In spite of all this "contact," my sense is, that like the rest of the Western population, teens are not happier. Among students in grades 9 through 12, 29 percent reported feeling sad or hopeless almost every day for an extended period in the last year (http://...com/36gvbn). Apparently teen suicide has increased 300% over the last 30 years (http://...com/3xwjbp).

At the same time, in a study on "social media" and "friending" (connecting to others online), more than 48% of respondents said they are having more fun in life as a result of spending time networking online (http://...com/2ygshc).

Something is not adding up.

In the last decades, we've unleashed undreamed of social pressure on young adults, we don't understand and we're not prepared to cope. Pandora's box is open for business - online and going mobile.

So for those who care to about this and future generations, we're faced with a rapidly evolving challenge. Our knee-jerk reaction may be to push against these advances, to blame the technology.

At the same time we know it's not technology that's the issue. It's the disconnected relationships - the lack of emotional intelligence, ours and theirs. It's the isolation and lack of skill at building emotional bridges.

Emotion is the language through which we can create deep connections that mitigate the thinness of the digital age. So as IT capacities advance to make more and faster ways of interacting, we must put equal energy into advancing the underlying human capacities that make all this communicating actually matter. Then we'll be able to reach those kids who feel they're walking alone in the parade.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joshua Freedman is the Chief Operating Officer of Six Seconds, the author of At the Heart of Leadership, and co-author of the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment (SEI) and the EQ for Families curriculum. As a parent and former teacher, Josh is committed to helping foster a global context where future generations can thrive.

Published: August 15, 2007
 
 

Posted on October 30, 2007 by Editor  
 
 

Currently listening : Make Believe By Weezer Release date: 2005-05-10

2:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Robot Vs Puppy
Category: Blogging

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dneLQY6ZVk

2:01 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

New Math
Category: Blogging

3:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

McClellan Tell-All Exposes Media’s Propaganda Problem
Category: News and Politics

The country is buzzing today over a tell-all book by former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. In his explosive memoir, McClellan reveals that the Bush administration ran a "political propaganda campaign" to mislead the American public on the war in Iraq.

But he takes it one step further, implicating the mainstream media for its role in "enabling" this propaganda: "The national press corps was probably too deferential to the White House" in spreading the president's case for the war, McClellan writes. The mainstream media didn't live up to its watchdog reputation. "If it had, the country would have been better served."

This should be a shock to everyone. The president's own spokesman lays a large share of the blame for Bush's pro-war propaganda on the media's "deferential" treatment of White House spin.

Please become part of a growing people-powered campaign to investigate this scandal and make media more accountable to the public:

Make Mainstream Media Answer for Spreading Pro-War Propaganda

Click on the link above and sign a letter that urges House Committee Chairs Ike Skelton, John Tierney and Henry Waxman to convene full congressional hearings about propaganda in the news.

The media's complicity in promoting this war was confirmed Wednesday night by CNN correspondent Jessica Yellin who said that network executives had pushed her not to do hard-hitting pieces on the Bush administration as the nation readied for war.

"The press corps was under enormous pressure from corporate executives, frankly, to make sure that this was a war presented in a way that was consistent with the patriotic fever in the nation," Yellin told CNN's Anderson Cooper. (Watch the video).

More than 100,000 Free Press activists and allies have already urged their members of Congress to launch an investigation into the media's role in spreading pro-war propaganda. By joining their call, you will be part of a massive coalition of citizens, bloggers and independent media who refuse to let Big Media off the hook:

Expose the Propaganda 'Enablers' and End Fake News

McClellan's memoir comes on the heels of an April 20 New York Times exposé, which revealed an extensive -- and likely illegal -- Pentagon program to recruit and place pro-war military pundits on nearly every major news outlet in America. Congress has promised to investigate the Pentagon's role in the scandal, but it shouldn't end there.

Our democracy is in peril when mainstream media fail to question the official view and put the interests of ordinary Americans first. This watchdog role is especially critical during a time of war.

Sign the letter and then tell your friends to help send a loud message to Congress: We're not backing down until the truth comes out.

Gratefully,

Timothy Karr
Campaign Director
Free Press Action Fund
www.freepress.net

P.S. Thanks to you, Free Press is leading the charge to hold media accountable for spreading propaganda. Our next step is to run a powerful ad to put Congress on notice to act. Contribute now and send the message: We're not backing down.

7:29 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Henri
Category: Blogging

1:45 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Karma at the Dumpster
Category: Pets and Animals

5:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wake Up Cat
Category: Pets and Animals

8:54 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s cold out here

How did you get them to let you inside?

http://mfrost.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/02/01/hehroh.jpg

12:06 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

http://www.mentalabuse.org

This was posted in a bulletin but reading it so many things clicked about my recent past. See what these means to you.

http://www.mentalabuse.org/home.asp

"By means of techniques such as those described here, it is possible to maintain a campaign of low-level psychological harassment against someone for years on end at virtually no cost to yourself. The idea is to create an atmosphere in which the victim constantly feels tense and uncomfortable, but there is nothing they can do about it, and no blame attaches to you. They cannot complain or even confront you about it, because you can simply deny it."

" The necessity for low-impact warfare.

The Aggression Threshold

Imagine arranging someone's possible actions onto a scale according to how offensive they are, ordered from least offensive to most offensive. Let's say zero is not offensive at all, and one hundred is the most offensive thing you can imagine. If you commit an action with an offensiveness score of zero (say, offer me a nice cup of tea), I won't be offended. If you commit an action with an offensiveness score of one hundred (say, murder my loved ones), I will seek revenge. Somewhere in between is my aggression threshold. Starting from zero, if you become gradually more offensive towards me, then I will become gradually more annoyed until my threshold is reached, and then I will take aggressive action against you.

One of the key features of passive aggressive abuse is always to make sure that your actions remain below your victim's aggression threshold, and even more so, to ensure that it remains below observers' aggression threshold. Fly underneath the radar. Certainly in the case of public or 'ambient' abuse, one of the key features of mental abuse is to always make sure that your actions remain below your victim's aggression threshold. This means that you can continue to mentally abuse them and they will be unsure how to respond.

Once you have the victim securely in your grasp, of course, then you can drop the mask, at least in private. When choosing a victim, someone who has an unusually high aggression threshold would be particularly suitable. This means that men are particularly vulnerable to mental abuse by women, because they are trained from birth to artificially raise their aggression threshold when they are dealing with women; an action which would get a man a beating can often be committed by a woman with impunity. People who under-react are much more likely to be bullied than someone who has a quick temper. Mental abuse has to be pitched in such a way that no individual incident is serious enough to merit a formal complaint. If the victim complains about something so seemingly trivial, they will seem petulant and churlish and elicit little sympathy from those around them.

The damage is caused by the cumulative effect of constant low-level abuse over a long period. It would be naïve to underestimate the effectiveness of such methods. Tree-roots can bring down a castle wall. It just takes time. Pretending to be helpless is an important tactic for the attacker. The idea of passive-aggressive hostility is being able to attack your victim without them being able to retaliate, and without anyone else thinking anything is wrong. If this is done well, then they may not realise that they have been attacked until later, by which time the opportunity to retaliate has passed.

Alternatively, they may realise that they have been attacked but the verbal attack either has another (innocent) interpretation, or is mild enough to be on the edge of social acceptability, so that taking offence would appear churlish. To achieve this effect, you can use some of the following techniques:

* Smiling and using a sweet tone of voice and friendly, even affectionate, body language as you deliver the attack.
* Framing the attack as a double entendre with another innocent interpretation.
* Delivering the attack by speaking to a third party within your victim's earshot, not to your victim directly.
* Speaking quietly as you (or your victim) are walking away.
* Hovering within the victim's earshot and muttering under your breath instead of confronting the victim directly.
* Being well-versed in the etiquette of middle-class social life and using it as a cover. Always have impeccable manners. Always remember everyone's birthday, and give generously. Always outwardly observe the social niceties. In this way, you can establish a reputation for yourself as someone of unimpeachable character. If you then accompany your actions with bitchy remarks, delivered with a smile, the chances are that no-one will notice. If you manipulate things behind the scenes, no-one will believe it.
* Accompany the attack with an act of kindness. Publicly give them a present and privately spread rumours about them.

The idea of using these techniques is that the victim knows that they are being attacked, but other people in the vicinity may not realise it, the victim will be reluctant to complain, and if they do complain, they will probably not be taken seriously. Indeed, others may form the opinion that the victim is paranoid or delusional.

These techniques are about circumventing retaliation - creating a situation in which you can persecute your victim with impunity. The victim knows that they are being attacked, but simply does not know what to do about it, and will have no credibility should they attempt to come forward. This kind of harassment can subject the victim to extreme psychological stress. Such a campaign of persecution can be pursued for months or even years, with serious mental and physical health consequences for the victim. It is very difficult to combat, as I know from experience.

Undermining other relationships
You are in a group with two other people, A and B. If you want to establish a dominant position for yourself within the group, there are three things you can do: 1 Establish a strong relationship with A 2 Establish a strong relationship with B 3 Create enmity between A and B The first two items do not necessarily mean becoming good friends; it does not have to be a warm relationship. It just needs to be a relationship which allows you to influence that person. It could be a relationship of dominance and intimidation, or it could be one of warmth and trust. The important thing is that you are in a position to influence that person's actions and opinions. Item 3 prevents any possible rival power bloc from emerging. This one is interesting enough to look at in more detail. It is not necessary that A and B become full-blown enemies; the important thing is that they do not become staunch allies. A vague mutual distrust and suspicion is enough. Any emergent relationship between A and B needs to be undermined, and this mutual distrust between them needs to be maintained. Many of the techniques outlined here are useful in attempting to undermine other people's relationships. The most generally useful one is probably vicious gossip. If you constantly drip-feed A negative information about B, and vice versa, you will prevent them from trusting or respecting each other. However, in order to achieve this, you need to have negative information to pass on.

An important use of this in larger groups is to create conflicts between people who might otherwise compare notes and cross-reference evidence against you (Hare)

Gathering Dirt
In order to engage in vicious gossip, you need to have ammunition. There are methods you can use to gather negative information about others, but if all else fails, you can simply make it up. It doesn't matter if negative information is true or not. All that matters is that it is believed. The main techniques of gathering dirt are as follows:

* The Little Black Book. This is probably the most basic method. Capitalise on others' mistakes or misfortunes. If something unfortunate happens to your target, or if they should do something which could be construed as a breach of social etiquette, always milk it for maximum political capital. You may choose to publicly ridicule them about it, but at the very least, you should make sure that everyone in their peer group knows about it. It's important that they should not receive any sympathy for their misfortunes; rather you should try to create the opinion that it was their own fault and/or they deserved it.
* Mummy's little helpers - Persuade others to gather titbits of gossip for you.
* Surveillance - Subject the victim's appearance, actions, speech and body language to an abnormal and unreasonable degree of scrutiny, or get your helpers to do so. This is not only a useful method of intelligence-gathering, but it is in itself a method of applying psychological pressure. It is unpleasant for the victim to be scrutinised in this way.
* Espionage. This is really a special case of surveillance, and would include actions such as reading someone's personal diary or email, or searching through their room, bag, pockets, or even garbage, when they are not present.
* Give them enough rope – Lull them into a false sense of security, and then attempt to lure them into inappropriate self-disclosure.
* The Market Research survey – this is a more structured case of the last method. Instead of just allowing them to talk, actually elicit their preferences .. topics by asking probing questions.
* You've been framed. Convict them of crimes they haven't committed by planting evidence and/or concocting stories.

Having gathered dirt, you must then carefully husband it. Never let it go. Rule 2 in the abuser's handbook is: Never let bygones be bygones. Always keep the target's past mistakes fresh in everyone's mind. Always rake up the past, never let it die. Constantly reinforce the target's status as a target.

How to avoid becoming a target: You can give the information out, but once it's out, it's too late; you can't take it back. The only defence is not to give it out in the first place. When you meet new people, set boundaries. Do not be gullible, do not be led into inappropriate self-disclosure."

1:28 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sia: Breathe Me
Current mood: scared

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Currently listening : Colour the Small One By Sia Release date: 10 January, 2006

8:23 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment