9:30 AM - Just so everyone is on the same page here....
Current mood: pirate

The Sergant that was supposed to come and do Aaron's audition for the army band said that he wasn't willing to make a special trip to Michigan to interview and audition Aaron, who believed would end up being a "marginal candidate" since he isn't actively playing, he doesn't have as much schooling as they would like for band, yada yada. But there is another MOS that Aaron qualified for since his ASVAB score was so high and they want him BADLY. Electronic Wafare Signals Intelligence Specialist. He'd go through 9-12 weeks of basic, then we would all be moved to Monterey, CA where he would learn a foreign language at the Defense Department, which would take 52 weeks. After that, he can finish his AIT. It is a non-combat arms MOS, which is nice, and the only thing that bothers us is that he can't know very much about it. Its a top secret MOS, he has to get a pretty high security clearence for it, so its hard to gather enough information to be completely sure. I mean, he's really excited so he's going to keep going through with it, we just wish we could know more...like is it going to be field or stateside or on bases or what his rank will be while in and the chances for promotions...

Either way, he's going to shop around a bit too. The Navy wants him and they're offering him 150-200,000 a year for enlisting as a naval intelligence person. Same thing he'd be doing for the army, but more money. The only thing we're waiting for is them to obtain the medical records from his appen..omy....after that is okay-ed he has to go to MEPS and take his DLAB (language test) and he has to get a 95-105. If he passes, then they ship him out. I will keep you all updated as to what is going on, I will be getting my own place when he leaves so I'll need all the company I can get. Stay in touch...

Currently watching : The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 2005-03-01

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7:28 AM - I’ve said too much...
Current mood: forgotten

I have realized that I will never see you again.

But it still scares me. I haven't learned how to be alone. I can't be out of the loop; its not comfortable and its not safe.

I went through all of my old things last night and you were everywhere. A ghost of my past, but a dream in the present. How can you haunt me so much when you're nowhere to be found and definately unreachable? Its not fair and you know it.

One day, maybe you'll be lonely and remember me. But its okay if you don't, you're not alone there. Its hard to remember someone that you are forced to forget. And I know I did this. I pushed you away.

And now, I've accepted that I'll never see you again.

Don't ask me to be truthful and don't ask me to be happy for you. Its hard to say I am when I'm screaming for you to think of me in my head. I hope you don't have friends, I hope you hate your surroundings. No, I don't want things to be okay, but I'll say it to make you feel better. I'm changing myself for you, why can't that be good enough? Has it ever been good enough?

I'm calling for a do-over.

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12:57 PM - Lies and make-believe.
Current mood: confused

What if I told you...

something different?

What if I lied?

Would you care more?

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12:58 PM - I’ve seen the world and its overrated...
Current mood: confused

I find it quite depressing, better word, tragic, how careless and wreckless human beings are. Even more tragic how much I ALLOW human beings to be careless and wreckless with me. I have always considered myself an intelligent person, at one point in my life, I almost thought I might be better than the people I surrounded myself with. Yet, I never put as much doubt in the company I keep or have kept close through all things uncontrollable as I do now.

You ask any of your friends what the word "friendship" means to them. Do it....they will write pages and pages of things that good friends are. Now, compare that list to the things they have done for you or the characteristics they display around you and you will find a vast difference. Everything most people promise is one sided.

What would provoke a person, a DECENT person, I should say, to treat another with such disregard and lackluster promises? More importantly to this blog and the existence it involves, what have I done to provoke such admonition? Is it the first impression I emit? The way I talk to you? Have I done it before and you feel some need to seek revenge in the form of such retaliation? If so, I would greatly appreciate knowledge of it instead of this nonmediative bullshit runaround.  No one likes to be used, no one likes to be walked on. I still count in this world...even if it is for very little.

Thanks to you who have lied, avoided, betrayed, manipulated, cursed, hated, damned, or thrown me out in some way. I hope that everyday that you live, you replay that little moment in time...that one second when my face fell or a tear escaped my eye...that frozen fraction where you could see the disappointment, the pain, the confusion and maybe you should smile a little. You have accomplished something that every person in this world tries so hard to overcome and stay clear from, but falls victim to every second of every day, be it self inflicted or uncontrollable. You have smashed a certain part of someones life and maybe ruined them for good.

Not only does this happen to be my case on a continually regular basis, but you have the audacity to continue to try and keep my in your good graces. Apologizes do seem to cover up alot of open wounds, but I am becoming less and less susceptible to all they imply, which is something I never thought would occur.  I've always taken the word sorry as a sacred request. Now its nothing more than a blanket for the ugly anticipation of undoing for the future.

No matter how hard you beg, no matter how much you want to change the things that happened in the past, it doesn't make its effect on what changes I've made to my life more or less important or prevalent. I'm done changing for you and I'm done trying to appease everyone. You lost your chance, you had it and you lost it. You could have nabbed it so easily so many years ago and you walked away from it for those who meant to cause you harm and it makes me wonder now if that is exactly what you wanted. Do you like being hurt? Do you like your quiet crying game? Do you relish the sympathy you receive from those who care for you, once again making you a silent killer? It won't make you a better person...it won't make you look strong, or tried, or tested. It makes you a son of a bitch.

*******: You fucked me over recently. I wanted to give you a chance so badly....I wanted to finally make our friendship mean something and take on a physical form and I can't believe that YOU, YOU of all the people I am acquainted with would stoop low enough to cut me down. I called you when I needed you the most. I reached out to you on a day that covered me so completely and you couldn't even offer me an explanation. I'm sorry that things are turning out the way they are for you and I'm sorry that I can't be there to ease you through it the way that I wanted to so long ago. I've known you for years and to be honest, when I lived there, not one of the went by without me wanting to whisk you away from everything and let you envelop me entirely. But you flaked, you disappeared and I was alone and confused. Since that last conversation we had about our link and our connection, right before I moved to Michigan...you spoke to me so powerfully and so seemingly truthfully that I fell into a position of decision rather than certainty. I still left, knowing full well that I could have stayed there with you. And again, you disappeared. Why do you keep running from me? Why am I more of a polarity than a synonomous soul? And where are you now....all I want to know is what you feel and why you act the way you do....

******: I know you feel the brunt of all your decisions up until this point. Now I suppose you've just phased them out like the life you're refusing to take hold of. You know the reality of the situation. You know what's to happen and waiting isn't going to change it as soon as you would like. Maybe, eventually....but you can't live solely on these phantom promises. I can't give you my word, I can't swear my life by it....and I won't tell you something to momentarily ease any pain that will be there at some point if I lie anyway. It doesn't make any sense to be running in this vicious circle of anger, remorse, regret, and reflection. Its only damaging a soul that can do so much good. I don't want to be responsible for your degredation and I can't hold myself liable for such withering away. I went through it all already and I made myself stronger. I cried my ever-loving eyes out every minute of the day and I cried to take the pain of crying so much away. It was the only thing I lived for and the sobs were, I think, the only thing that kept me breathing, I swear my life on it. I think I did die...I faded into backgrounds and walked a little slower. I lost my smile, I lost my eyes, I lost my life to ghosts of you and me. Its taken so much inner strength to get that back and time hasn't, definately hasn't, healed any of my wounds. But it has made it easier to cope, and cope is what I do. Maybe I do want what was, maybe I do still care. That's how I am...I care about everyone. But I don't want it enough to sacrifice myself for you again. I am literally clinging to the last of myself....I am nothing but a few small bruises, cuts, and scars. But I live my fragile life to the fullest and that's what is important to me right now. So shall it be written...I digress.

In the calamity of this catastrophe I consider my life, I have found that I scarcely care for anyone like I used to. In a world of complicated let downs, impossible truths,  unbearable and harsh realities, I find myself still alone. I'll always be alone, aching for some meaning. Don't tell me you care, don't tell me you were there or are there, because you left a long time ago. You all left....and I'm finding that I don't fucking care anyway.

I just don't care anymore.

-Too late to hide
And too tired to care.
Take what you've learned
And forget the rest.
Take what you see
Of what's left of me,
You know where I've been
And I don't want to go there again.

You're beautiful,
You're confusing,
You're illogical,
You're amazing.
And I've seen the world,
It's overrated.
Until you're everything,
I have nothing
But an empty space.

I've been down
This road before,
All that I've found
Points me right back to you.
And I've watched you move
From down below.
Where do I go from here?
I guess I'll find out as I go...

You're beautiful,
You're confusing,
You're illogical,
You're amazing.
And I've seen the world,
It's overrated.
Until you're everything,
I have nothing 
But an empty space...-

"Empty Space"

Currently listening : Who We Are By Lifehouse Release date: 19 June, 2007

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5:16 AM - Attention Bowling Green, KY.
Current mood: determined

Its funny how life works itself out.

Yesterday Aaron and I were debating, in depth, our move to Bowling Green. He was saying as he walked to the mailbox that his biggest concern about moving there was finding a job. Lo and behold, in the mailbox was an offer for me to work in communications dispatch for the City of Bowling Green. So this is what I need.

If I HAVE to get a hotel for Kael and I, I can. I think. I need to leave here early on Valentine's Day since my first written test is on Feb. 15. Aaron will have to stay here this first run so he can work...he doesn't get his vacation time till April, in which he will be coming down with me. Dates of my duration are Feb. 14- Feb. 28/Mar. 1 depending on when I get my polygraph. If anyone wants to extend their home to us, I would appreciate it.

Also, I will end up being in Bowling Green for my 21st. Anyone want to party?

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4:04 PM - Sickeningly sick.
Current mood: sore

Kael was sick on Sunday and is still really sleepy, so we took him to the doctor. He has a rotavirus, and there's nothing that you can do for it except wait it out (about 7-10 days.) That night, when Aaron got home, he started getting sick...violently sick...and then by 6 this morning I was puking. I called in at work and so did Aaron and we've been in bed ALL DAY sleeping and vomiting. Its disgusting.

I have finally stopped throwing up...I couldn't even hold water down and then I finally said fuck it and started drinking as much as I could since I was dehydrated and my mouth was SO dry. I haven't throw up since around 3, so wish me luck.

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3:18 PM - I’ve been thinking...

So I'm ready to do something wild and crazy and explore myself a little more.

I'm getting a Monroe.

If anyone knows a good place to go, let me know ASAP. I get paid on Saturday. ;)

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7:20 PM - Weight of the World
Current mood: pissed off

A blackout in the room again.
A busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom
and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.

There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
My mother sits beyond the door, she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.

When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong.
It's gone wrong again.

Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
And let me tell you something, people,
I've been lying for fucking years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
Disregarding that I've created these monsters
they're on fucking both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.

And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room
so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,

when the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong
it's gone all wrong again.

This room is old and wise
I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
The little boy who would argue with a tree
just fucking thump his head
and he'll turn back to normal.

Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting,
don't bother waiting,
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing.
Just let me go away.
I'm packed
whenever
I'm down
whenever.
Let's go.

This may turn out to be a very harsh blog, and down-right offensive to those of you who read it, but I think its about time that I stop being so damned condescending and start letting big-mouthed people know what I fucking think.

As of recently, a lot of things have changed...and not necessarily for the better. True, not all of these things regard me or directly affect me. However, I'm tired of standing by, even if it DOESN'T involve me, and watching the few people that I DO still care about get torn down and fucked with.

Before I begin, I want all parties involved to know that while I neither agree nor disagree with the following situations, it doesn't mean that I don't have an opinion about you as a person or your practices and methods. Since all of you feel as though its completely okay to berate others, tear everyone down, and trample others' dreams, goals, lives....I don't regret, rue, or feel guilty for what I'm about to say. Keep that close in mind. This will be the only time that anyone will ever be completely honest with you and tell you what the fuck is wrong with you.

Since these past events have had such dramatic effect, I started thinking about all the people I've met in my life. All of those I've considered myself close to, all of those I've met in passing, all of the things that I've learned about all the people I know, meet, or form a relationship with. Most of you individuals make me fucking sick. I won't use names here, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure out who you are as you read on. If you don't think you've been explained, then you probably haven't. There are, of course, few of you that have been true, genuine, decent people.

There is an individual that I've met that seemed like an honorable friend whose determination and maturity I admired. At one time. Now, I find that this individual is nothing but a true and unadulterated asshole. I used to think that this prick's bad luck was completely unnecessary, undeserved, and down right cruel. I now would like to state that, in reflecting, I feel that this person brought on these twists of circumstance and thoroughly deserved EVERY ounce of suffering that people in their past gave them. I find that this person is malicious, back-stabbing, unforgiving, non-committal, wreckless, thoughtless, snobby, deceptive, careless, and slightly lacking as far as thinking ahead is concerned. This person is extremely self-centered, commonly depressive, has an underlying fear of rejection, is materialistic, egotistical, and in the recent discoveries, impatient...which to be completely honest is going to be this person's biggest down-fall. Things will never be the way you want them to, you are too detached in your perspective, which is why you thought the way you did about your "past experiences". I think that what you've done since I've known you is deserving of thanks, but for your own gain, which is wrong in every sense of the word. I honestly don't think that I've seen you do one truly caring or genuine thing since I've known you and that's something I can't have in my life. I don't want you anywhere near my family and I don't want you to be the cause of anymore damage than what you have. Treasure the attention you have now because you'll never be famous and you'll never be loved. Not unless you can get over your abrasive fucking attitude and your depressive bullshit hobbies that you think everyone likes just because you think you're good at what you do. I haven't heard anything worth my time or anyone else's, so good luck trying, but don't be surprised if it comes back to slap you in the face like you've done to some of your closest friends. I hope you gain nothing. Fuck you ******* ********! Fuck you.

There is another individual that I've met that I haven't known well up until recently. Pushy, and completely dependent, this person is the biggest baby I have ever known. It's sad to sit and realize that people younger than you can be so much more responsible than you, which must explain why this person is so inconsiderate and flaky. To be completely realistic, this person is the only person I've known that can demonstrate, without thinking about it and without mercy, all seven of the deadly sins in their everyday life. It's utterly amazing, which can serve as the basis of my curiosity, nay, amusement with this person. I find it mind-blowing that someone with everything handed to them could be so unthankful and still, STILL so uncaring. It must be nice to have things that someone might only dream of and still be stuck doing things that people who can't make it would kill for "just because you can". I have only four words for this person….GROW THE FUCK UP! Step up and be a fucking adult! There's no excuse for the things you do…none at all. The one thing that blows me away about you is that people will do what you want, no matter what it is or how much they don't want to do it, just so that they don't have to hear you fucking wank about it! How can someone be so manipulative in such an elementary way?! You are dishonest to avoid confrontations, impatient to a fucking fault, negligent, not only to the people that are just a part of the regular routine, but to the FEW and ONLY people that care about you. For all the complaining and begging for acceptance, I would think that you would want to fucking treasure the ones who consider you worth anything and you don't even care. I've also never know someone as childish in actions as you. I've never seen someone who thinks that consequences, no matter how severe, are trophies for your "amazing" annoyance tactics. You certainly need to learn that the world does NOT revolve around you and, for the most part, doesn't care about you. You are the only person you have in this life and you even take that for granted. No one is going to cater to you when they're all gone, and its going to happen sooner than you think, partially thanks to you. You're your worst enemy, now, and you will bring about your downfall. Most of your ideas right now are unrealistic and ridiculous beyond belief. Your biggest fault is learning to accept the limitations of life and understand that it is never fair or perfect. NEVER. Your second biggest problem is your acceptance issues. I think the main reason that things have been so wrong is because you are easily led, although you like to deny this, and you'll hump someone's leg and break all your own rules if it means you might gain ANYTHING. You certainly have some personal issues and struggles to deal with and I personally don't think you're strong enough or intelligent enough to sort through them and figure out the big picture. Your life will be empty, and it's your own fault. I hope you lose everything. Fuck you, ****** *******.  Fuck you. 

I was so excited when I moved up here. I was ready for everything it seemed. I was filled with all the wisdoms and the knowledge that you tried to act like you possess. I think it foolish that you drill these factoids of your own design into the heads of your friends and then turn your back on everything you just shared. You are nothing but a two faced liar. A liar of the worst kind. The kind of liar that people talk about as long as your gone and then get quiet for when you appear, the kind that turns people into even worse monsters, conniving monsters of hatred and ire, the monsters that you yourself warn people to watch out for. You create them…you make them all. I hate the disguises you wear, the person you try to cover up or change so that you fit in with certain company are fake and downright disgusting. I thought that you were one of the best people on the planet to know and brag about being friends with, but you, sir, are definitely not someone that I would like to strive to be like in any way shape or form anymore. You are smart, you are beautiful, and I know you have a heart someone, but someone with principles and morals like yours don't deserve them and someday someone will be better enough at playing the game that they will put you in your place. You will be miserable for the rest of your life. You will suffer, you will regret and you will pay at some point. Don't tell people how to be but turn it into the "if its what I want" condition. I was vigil enough and lucky enough to catch your shit early on and now I know to stay away from it. I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of being made out to be some kind of haneous bitch who destroyed your world. You destroyed it for yourself and now its all coming down on you. Look around…what have you become? Where have you gone with your life and what are you doing? The answer to both of these questions is nothing, NOTHING, and that's all you are to me anymore. I am SORELY disappointed in you. Out of all of the people that I looked up to, you let me down the most. And you should have been the one out of all of them to try to change and help. So to you, I say "Fuck you, ***** *****, fuck you most of all.

Speaking of disappointing, there is nothing more disappointing than being turned away for doing what I've been preached to about all along. Not to mention the competition that everything has suddenly become. The need to always be right, always win, always be ahead…why? Because you are slowly realizing that you are worthless? Is that how you feel? Then why not try something that is more YOU for a change. Stop chasing other people's dreams. Stop crushing others lives and happiness because you are depressed. Grow the fuck up and get real. Look around. You're wasting away by spending time fantasizing about the miles you'll go and the things you'll do eventually. The things you're waiting for make you so dirty….so shameful. I can't believe that you claim to be what you are and still you only wish harm and misery on even your loved ones. I see it in your eyes, you are lonely, starved. You try to live vicariously through all of the people around you. You think you're hot shit and it's pathetic and childish. You're so far down now that life for you will NEVER be what you want. You've wasted it all on wishes and ill-thoughts and now, karma is coming back around and it's headed at you full force. Just wait until the storm cloud of guilt and remorse sets over you. You will not have anywhere to run or hide and all of the ones you are destroying will be gone. You'll be alone and noticeable and I hope that feel every single second of anguish. You deserve it. You pleaded for it with you double-sided thought process. Fuck you, ****** ****, fuck you.

If manipulation and lies are the topic the first person I think of is ****** *******. The only thing I have to say is whore. You don't beg for attention and then get so choosy as to purposely make it evident that you are pushing it away. Of course, I forgot that sluts don't have manners or couth at all, but I would have expected more from this one. Sleep your way into good impressions, that's a really brilliant strategy. I can't believe I wasted my time trying to appeal to your better nature, that I tried so hard to pull you out of your fake-ass case, and that I forced myself to be so much nicer to include you and you fucked over not only myself, but my family as well. You are a dirty, lousy bitch and I hope that gets you to the top of whatever the fuck it is you think you are good at. Kiss everyone's ass if you have to, I hope you  get  what you deserve. More people think this than you know. Live with that. Fuck you, ****** *******, fuck you.

I hope this blog finds all of you. You are all sickening. I'm starting over…and I'm done with the bullshit. Fuck you all.

Currently listening : Meds By Placebo Release date: 23 January, 2007

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8:32 PM - Appendix Explody

So Aaron and I spent Kael's first birthday in the place where it all started...the hospital. Aaron, as we speak, is getting his appendix removed at Spectrum...he'll be home tomorrow afternoon sometime. I'm sure he would love to hear from anyone...that's really all I had to say. Also, thank you to everyone who came out to Kael's party on Sunday night...it was AWESOME!

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3:05 PM - Portraits by Deb.
Current mood: anxious

Well, not exactly by Deb. By me.

I have an interview on Friday for a nearby portrait studio. Hopefully they can get me going and I can start working toward "crime scene photography". Next step....school.

Wish me luck!

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