The New SOUP Blog is up and running!

Okay, I'm extending my streak of driving you to new websites to 2. The new Soup Blog is up and running at E! Online and it's way cool. They threw some serious money at it and hired one of our favorite comic writers, Matt Olsen to be our Blogger-In-Top-Creative-Highness or "BITCH". Anyway, go check it out at:

eonline.com/thesoup

There's all kinds of cool, really funny stuff there and if you scroll down, you'll find the new and regular home of the "Best Jokes that Didn't Make The Show" Blog.

Go there and enjoy, please!

6:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A screenplay for your reading pleasure

Okay, so I've decided to post in my blog a screenplay I wrote a few years back that has gone through a few incarnations of development. I still want to make it, but even more than that would like to get read. So here, with no interruption is "Playing the Progressive". Written by K.P. Anderson. Copyright Pygmy Wolf Productions. All rights reserved. Hope you enjoy.

INT. THE RIVIERA HOTEL AND CASINO-DAY
A BANK OF SLOT MACHINES

Adorned with lovable cartoon character, Betty Boop.

THE SIGN ABOVE THE BANK OF SLOT MACHINES

Is a digital board of numbers scrolling up from $5,674,296.33 Two Betty Boop's sheepishly bookend the scrolling number.

BEHIND THE SLOT MACHINES IS A BAR

A MAN Sits alone at one of the Betty Boop slots. His name is BEN HOWARD, early 30's, good looking, jeans and a golf shirt. He looks calm and determined. He has a bucket of quarters in his hand.

BEN (V.O.)
I'm good with numbers. I'm not a genius. If everyone smarter than me were suddenly killed leaving me to lead everyone dumber than me, we'd be screwed. I'm just good with numbers.
Ben looks over his shoulder at...

THE BARTENDER JAKE. A good looking individual, himself. He looks like a guy who left San Bernadino to find a better life and found the same life in Vegas. Pouring a drink, he makes incredibly brief eye contact with Ben without stopping what he is doing.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
A friend of mine from high school works in Vegas. He told me a little known fact about slot machines. A very few will allow you to win. I mean truly win. He calls 'em curve wreckers.

SMASH TOGETHER SHOTS OF SLOT MACHINES COMING UP EMPTY AND SLOT MACHINE ADVERTISEMENTS THAT ADORN THE CASINO TO COVER THE FOLLOWING V.O.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The casinos advertise that their slots pay out 98 percent. That means for every dollar put in, 98 cents comes back out. If you've ever played slots you know that 98 percent of the time, that's bullshit. The 98 percent is on average. That means most of their slots pay out around thirty percent, another somewhat smaller group pay out around seventy--

A JACKPOT IS HIT Bells go off, lights flash.

BEN (V.O.)(CONT'D)
--and a very small percentage pay out a hundred and fifteen percent. Those are the curve wreckers.
As a VERY OLD, VERY SLOW WOMAN stares blankly while money comes flying at her, Ben's V.O. Continues.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
When you hear about someone hitting a big jackpot, it's usually someone who stumbled across the right curve wrecker. The machine has been placed randomly on the floor and it sits there until someone hits a jackpot.

THE VERY OLD, VERY SLOW WOMAN stares blankly as a picture is taken of her by her winning machine with a big stack of dollar holders and a COCKTAIL WAITRESS poured into a tiny outfit.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Then a picture is taken of the winner and the machine with a casino employee wearing something that takes every ounce of cellulite and turns it into cleavage.

THE WINNING MACHINE
Is being removed from the spot in which it sits by casino employees. It is replaced by an exact replica.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
When the big winner goes off to celebrate his or her victory or change his or her colostomy bag, the machine is moved and replaced with the same brand of machine.

BACK TO BETTY BOOP
Ben sits staring at his machine. Jake is still in the background.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
My friend found one of these curve wrecker machines and he tracked it. Then, two magical things happened. One, they placed the machine in front of his bar. Two, it became a progressive.

THE SCROLLING SIGN

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
A progressive is a jackpot that's tied to a particular brand of slot machines all over town. Like a powerball lotto, people keep dumping in money and the jackpot keeps going up until someone hits it. This particular progressive, the "Betty Boop Mega-Giggles, Mega Money" progressive was over five million dollars.

BEN
Stretching his arms back and neck. He is just about ready to play.

BEN (CONT'D)
My friend told me about it and I did the math. If I came to Las Vegas with forty thousand dollars from my 401k, and I played the maximum of three quarters per-pull, within 36 hours, my friend and I would be very rich men. It was a lock. The numbers worked out. You need to know this about me. I don't take chances. I go for the sure thing. Always. My plan was perfect.
As Ben pulls his first three quarters out of the bucket, A WOMAN is seen coming up from behind.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I did one thing wrong.

The woman arrives. She's attractive and she's angry. She's JANET HOWARD.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I brought my wife.

OOPS, I lied. You can read a few more pages at my new website pygmywolf.com. (IF YOU GET SENT TO A WEBSTIE SAYING THE SITE IS COMING SOON, CLICK THE PYGMYWOLF.COM link next to the "coming soon" message at the top of the page. There seems to be a coming and going hiccup with register dot com.) Anyway, please head in, check out the site (still under construction) and find some more of "Playing the Progressive" in the blog. I'm going to release a new chunk of the screenplay every Monday for your reading enjoyment. (At least I hope you enjoy it.)

In addition to unveiling "Progressive", we'll also be showcasing originals done by the company and showing some of our favorite works by our favorite performers. The goal s to provide a site that provides less surfing to get to the solid laughs. Please comment in the blog, e-mail me and let me know what you think. And thanks for reading.

1:29 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s been a while
Current mood: Paint fume-y

So here's the deal. We are going to be launching very soon a big Soup Blog at E! Online that will be the new and regular home of the "Best Jokes that didn't Make the Show" Blog and since now it's part of my job description, I'll somehow find a way to get it in every week. There is also going to be a ton of great extra's there that we wouldn't have the time or manpower to keep up regularly on MySpace. Look for it in a few weeks. (I'll also try to remember to post the Best Jokes blog here, but it will have a regular home, which is cool.)

The show tonight is real fun. Special guests from Dancing with the Stars, Tibetan Monks attack Joel, Australian Incest and the funniest Chat Stew in a while. Make sure to check it out.

Finally, I did an on-line interview a couple of weeks ago with a very cool blogger named Chad Gervic who blogs for writersdigest.com. If you're interested in the craft and the business, it's a great place to read, learn and comment. Please check it out. Meanwhile, if you are in for a big, long read right now, this interview (which was actually a bunch of questions e-mailed in by a reader of Chad's blog and filtered through him to me) answers a lot of the questions I've been asked on this site and haven't gotten around to answering. It's long. If you make it to the end, you must be my mom. Here you go.

READER QUESTION/GUEST PERSPECTIVE: How Do I Break Into Clip Shows?
Posted by Chad

Hey, screenwriters--

Today's question comes from loyal reader Valerie, who writes...

"Hi Chad!... I am interested in creating clip shows and would love to hear your valuable insight on these types of programs (ie. where/how to license footage, how to sell them (Pods or Network), general production tips, etc...)."

(For those of you who aren't familiar with clip shows, they're TV shows that rely on clips of other shows, a la E!'s The Soup, VH1's Best Week Ever, etc.)

Well, Valerie-- to answer your question, I've brought in a special guest. Here to give you the low-down on clip shows-- how they work, how to write for them, and how to break in-- is K.P. Anderson, the executive producer of what is undoubtedly the funniest clip show on television... The Soup. K.P. is not only a successful stand-up comedian whose appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend, he's written and produced for great shows like Politically Incorrect, Mohr Sports, The Wayne Brady Show, and Last Comic Standing. You can visit him on MySpace and check out his comedy schedule at www.myspace.com/kpandersonlive.

But in the mean time, here's K.P. to tell you everything you want to know about clip shows...


CHAD: The Soup, like many other half-hour TV shows, airs once a week. But unlike half-hour sitcoms like The Office or Samantha Who?, The Soup is dependent on that week's pop culture happenings, so it can't be written or produced far ahead of time. What's your process for putting together an episode of The Soup? Walk me through your process, beginning with putting together an episode and ending with airing Friday night.

K.P.: Monday we sit around and wait for shit to happen…usually by Wednesday, some shit happens…

Monday, we take a look at the week ahead and start to come up with ideas for bigger pieces that can be built around TV events or movie openings or a pop-culture story that won't go away. So it's a day to plan out commercial parodies, fake movie trailers and the like. Joel McHale as Rainbow Brite was born on a Monday. We also start to watch shows from the following weekend, look at the news and begin writing monologue jokes.

Tuesday we put the bigger pieces in to production by getting network approvals, ordering any costumes or sets and tracking down footage to support them. We also continue looking at the headlines to see who is going to rehab, who is getting arrested and who is marrying Pam Anderson. (It's like jury duty for guys who itch.) Also on Tuesday we have our first of two clip meetings where myself, our other EP, Edward Boyd and [host] Joel [McHale] if he's available look at the clips the staff has collected thus far. Once we pick the clips, we head back to the offices to write introductions and jokes or sketches coming out of them. On Tuesday night, I usually take the collected works of the staff home with me and put together a rough scripted rundown of the show for us to see what we have and where we have holes heading in to Wednesday.

Wednesday is when the show really starts to come together. One more round of monologue and another clip meeting, then we shoot any footage we need of Joel or others for any of the pre-produced pieces, we also shoot our "Condensed Soup On Yahoo" promotion and then the writers jam out the rest of the wraps for the clips while the production staff gets busy editing clips preparing pictures and all of our supporting footage and editing the pre-produced pieces. Meanwhile, I collect and edit the final wraps and shoot out the second draft of the script, which goes to the network and all of our necessary legal and standards and practices people. After that, the producers keep working on getting everything prepared, the writers get a breather and I watch whatever we're covering for the "Let's Take Some E!" segment. Around 9:30 Wednesday night, Edward and I make the rounds to watch the edited clips and the pre-produced pieces and discuss what's working and what isn't. Then we call it a night while some of the producers stay on to finish up the pre-show prep.

Thursday morning, we get together with Joel, view any clips that came in overnight on Wednesday and punch up the script. (Joel is very key here. He thinks very much like a writer and has become incredibly proficient at knowing his own voice. He's really great in the room which is not something that can be said for all hosts.) Then we take a break from each other while the network and legal notes trickle in. We adjust the script to accommodate those and around 6:00, we head down to a green room in the bowels of E!, where Joel rehearses off the teleprompter and we lightly punch it up one more time. At 8:00 we head to the stage and shoot the show. It takes about 2 hours. Sometimes stuff doesn't go as planned and we huddle up and come up with a new way to go and keep moving. When we're done we go home and repair our marriages, or just drink.

Friday we get together for a couple of hours. We talk about the previous show and how well we pulled it off. Make adjustments for the next week and then lightly go over the week to come and start cooking up ideas. Then we flip each other off and go our separate ways. Not really. Friday night the show airs and usually over the weekend we wind up e-mailing or calling each other to talk about how things played again. We have a pretty close staff and we've been together for a long time (3+ years without anyone leaving), so we must either really like each other or no one else will talk to us.

This is the longest answer you're getting out of me. If I have to go in to this much detail again, I quit.


CHAD: How do you get the clips you use? Do you have to license them? Are they free since they've already been on TV? Does clip availability affect what bits and jokes you end up doing?

We get the clips an abundance of ways. We have a staff of 15 people who all have DVR's and watch them relentlessly. We also have a new computer program that allows us to program in shows and watch them directly on our PC's. It's cool, but it's top secret. We might be part of a government experiment like thalodomide and not know it. We also pull stuff off the web sometimes.

There are a bunch of "Fair Use" laws surrounding how we air them. It's complicated and if I tried to explain it, I'd screw it up. Sorry.

Yes, I suppose clip availability affects the bits and jokes we wind up doing in that of a clip isn't available, we tend to not do a joke about it. (Did that come off a-hole-ish? It's who I am. You asked…)


CHAD: Imagine someone wants to sell and produce their own clip show like The Soup. What are the creative elements that make a clip show unique and sellable? I.e.—does it need a host attached? Just a writer/producer with a strong vision? A list of sample jokes? A sizzle reel? What should every good clip show have, or do, in order to make it different… and attractive to buyers?

Now why would I tell anyone that? You got the production schedule for free. The rest will cost you.

Actually, there are a lot of clip shows out there. I'd take the question beyond what sells a clip show and if you want to sell something think about what makes any pitch sing. Every network is different in their perceived needs, so you want to tailor your product to fit the customer. All of the things you asked about above are basically important elements at some level to someone. Tough question to answer. Might be a good time to mention I didn't create or sell The Soup. I came on to run it in the second season after the "What The? Awards." And a few (I don't recall how many. More than 3, less than 20) episodes of The Soup.

CHAD: And the follow-up question… what should a clip show never do? What creative elements are inappropriate in a clip show and would make it unsellable?

Sucking is bad. Sucking and being overly expensive. Comedy shows need time to build an audience. If you burden yourself with too much overhead it lessens the amount of time a network can tolerate your crappy ratings. The audiences become very loyal if you can hook them, so just try to stay on the air while you're working out the kinks and growing your base.


CHAD: Once our hypothetical producer has developed her clip show creatively, what's the best way to go about selling it? Should she partner with a producer or production company? Should she go right to a network? And how does she know what are the best place to pitch her clip show?

I don't mean to be a jerk, really, this is an honest answer to a common question. If you have to ask, you aren't ready to be in charge. Networks buy from either people they've already worked with or people they are trying to steal from other networks. It takes no experience to come up with a good idea for a show, but it takes an awful lot to run one and the networks have very short lists of people they will allow to run shows. (Until The Soup I was not one of those people. I got very lucky to meet with network and studio heads who were willing to give me a chance.) Find yourself one of those people and then go to the network. And don't ask. You used up all your good will with me with that first question.

To figure out where to pitch it, look at what type of programming in which an individual network engages and then either add them or cross them off the list. If you have a show that you think could work at both Spike and Lifetime, odds are you aren't thinking it through. And don't pitch where it's not wanted. Not even "just for practice". You may one day have an idea you want to bring back to that place and they will remember how you wasted their time. (And no, they won't remember the good pitch they almost bought.)


CHAD: As a writer and producer on what is definitely TV's best and funniest clip show, what rules or tips have you picked up in production that you'd pass along to a freshman producer? If someone came to you saying, "KP, I'm about to start production on my first-ever clip show, what should I keep in mind, practically speaking, as I dive into production," what are the 3 most important tips or rules you would give them?

1. Make sure a hypothetical person buys you a drink before you start answering her questions.

2. Be malleable. Listen when your buyers talk. You might know funny better than they do, but they know their audience or at least their company's perception of their audience better than you. Don't be unfunny just to get along, but be willing to scrap something over which you can't agree and go a different way that is still funny.

3. Talent speaks. If it doesn't feel right coming out of your host's voice, change it. No matter how brilliant you think it was. The host has to feel good about the whole show. One sentence is not worth throwing off his or her groove.

4. (Because I was a jerk again with the first one) Don't hire people who you like but really don't think can contribute to the show. Hire people you like whose contributions you think will make your show better than you could do on your own. If you can't find those people, you are over-estimating yourself and your idea. It's a clip show. It's already a collaboration.


CHAD: For all the aspiring writers out there who would love to write on The Soup, how do you hire your writers? What kinds of samples do you look to read? What do you look for in those samples? And once you like someone's writing and meet with them in person, what qualities do you look for that aren't on the page?

I'd say write samples that make you laugh and sound like the host of the show could and would be excited to tell them. That's a little ethereal, but if you look at your written material and think about great comedic hosts, you'll be able to identify who would and wouldn't deliver them best. Oh, and don't send in the bible. Send the best stuff you have for that show. If you can't edit yourself then someone would have to edit you and that someone is busy and would like to see his four year-old daughter before she's five.

As to what I look for in a prospective hire off the page, I'm not really one to size up the cut of anyone's jib. Funny is funny and talent is usually a bit weird, so pesky things like hygiene and hustle can really get in the way of good hiring decisions. I just plug my nose and hope they show up on the day I invited them to swing by.


CHAD: And lastly… it's very hard—if not impossible—for a total newbie to just create a TV show idea and set it up with a network or production company. I always tell aspirants the best way to sell a show is to get a job in television (usually at the bottom as a P.A. or assistant) and work your way up the ladder until you have enough experience and connections to sell a show. So if someone wants to create and sell clip shows like The Soup, what's the best way to break in? Or, to a total newbie who wants to be in your shoes, what career-path advice would you offer someone who wants to steal your job?

So you tell people the same thing I told you. Great. Could have mentioned that four questions ago and saved me from looking like an a-hole…anyway…like I said, I didn't create or sell The Soup, so there's that.

Also, I'd encourage you not to try to follow my path. Not because it's bad, it's great, but that's my life. My life might suck to you. I'm only being a little flippant. As writers and producers, we aren't exactly deep-sea fisherman, but our careers are more like lifestyle choices than most people. So in order to stay in the game without burning out, you have to make sure you feel rewarded and challenged by your career in a very deep sense. We work long hours and take it very personally when our products don't work. When we aren't working (and even when we are), we have to smile and network and create on our own and it occupies a much bigger portion of our time than the people with whom we went to high school who now have goofy things like trophies for softball and parents who still talk to them. So you have to love your career like it's your hobby. Your career will define you to a great deal, just make sure to get over yourself long enough to have someone to thank if you ever get a non-softball related trophy.

Having said that, here's the basics as I see it. Seek out projects you love. Find your way out of projects you don't without burning bridges. (Here we are not in my footsteps any longer.) Write every day. Don't be afraid to turn in. Take criticism. Be reliable. Seek to learn without being annoying. (In other words, shut up and listen once in a while.) Work at a level above the job you have (eventually someone will notice and give you that job). Get over yourself. Have respect for other people around you. Don't undermine people. Everything in this business is collaborative and if you get a reputation for backstabbing or undermining, all cliché's about this town aside, you are done…or working on Tyra. (Why would I say that?)

There you go, hypothetical producer. I hope I answered all of your questions. It would complete my bucket list.

-- KP

10:33 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday night at Melrose Improv
Current mood: Plus-sized

A couple of things to to pimp. First and foremost, check out The Soup this weekend. I think this might be my favorite episode this year so far. Joel’s wife had a kid, so he was all goofy and weird, the staff knocked it out of the park. I really like this one.

Also, if you’re in Hollywood looking for something to do Saturday night, I’ll be appearing at the Improv on Melrose with Chris Porter who, if you are a fan of Last Comic, or were out at Ontario this weekend, you’ll know is one seriously funny Mofo. One of my all-time favorites. He’s closing the show, so if you were at Ontario, you’ll get to see him do the long playing set you were wishing for there.

Anyway, if you make it to the show, stop by the bar and say ’hi". Otherwise have a great weekend. I’m gonna bring back the best jokes blog soon. Just been real busy.

11:17 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ontario Improv with Joel this weekend

I will be appearing Friday through Sunday with joel at the Improv in Ontario, California.

2 Shows Friday
3 Shows Saturday
1 SHow Sunday

go to www.improv.com for ticket info. Hope to see you there!

12:12 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Thanks, San Fran.

Two nights. Five shows. Great people willing to brave the weather. Joel was everything Joel is. Hardwick always leaves me in awe. Brent Weinbach who jumped on board for this leg is a revelation (at least to me because I'd never seen him before. A real pleasure.) Love this town, thanks to everyone who came and those who read this and stopped by to say "hi". Hope you all had as much fun as I did.

Don't know if there will be another show in this configuration, but I feel like I owe Joel a huge thanks for getting me back out on stage the past few months. As opportunities present themselves to get back out, I'm looking very forward to keeping going in some form or another.

Meanwhile I'm gonna keep blogging and hope all the new people who have shown up here lately will be as gracious as the good people of San Francisco. Sorry no jokes. I'm just kind of in awe of how much fun I had this weekend. I'll bring the piss and vinegar later.

2:01 AM - 14 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

Whose Got The Biggest Malls of Them All?
Current mood: My mood is your mood. So cheer the hell up, man.

According to Yahoo, The Mall of America is not the biggest mall in the world.

NO! I WON'T GET OUT! I'M SERIOUS!!

http://travel.yahoo.com/p-interests-21740257;_ylc=X3oDMTFtczJrcTUyBFNlYwNtYWxscy10cmF2ZWwEU2xrA2ZwLXRvZGF5bW9kBF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3MDMjcxOTQ4MQ--

Call me a liar again and I'll eat your heart. I apologize, that was hardly necessary.

So the biggest malls in the world can now be found overseas. Excuse me while I rush out to update my passport. I won't be happy until I've bought a mock t-neck in the largest sales environment possible. Is it possible there is a shopping experience more painful and difficult to navigate than trying to buy something fashionable from the bitches at the Sherman Oaks Nordstrom's while dressed like a TV joke monkey? ("Relax, honey, I'm not trying to pick you up. I'm just trying to get my wife to agree to be seen publicly with me. I realize you're saving yourself for Brody Jenner, so quit acting like that bottle of Paris Hilton's Heiress is mace.") If so, I must have it! Screw Everest. I'm going to summit a seventy thousand square foot Apple Store! And when I get to the top, everything I'm trying to accessorize will be obsolete!

Is this what passes for tourism now? Malls so big, it will take multiple sleeper cells to blow them up?

Admittedly, I'm not a great traveller. Most of my time away from home has either been spent alone or in the company of another comic, at a mall, trying to swap free tickets to a comedy show for a free six inch cold cut trio...or a blowjob, but those were the younger days. Now, I mostly check in to my room, plot a room service dining agenda and leave only to tell dick jokes to drunks. So neither of my incarnations as a traveler has been the perfect way to see a new city, but c'mon. People travel to far off lands to see malls?

Isn't there anything else you can do while in Beijing? Eat something exotic, like unwanted baby? View Tianemen Square and pretend to stand in front of a tank while your friend takes a picture on his cell phone made in China so you can get back home and caption it "Part of the Problem"? You realize if you go to the mall and buy a CD or DVD, it's likely to not be a bootlegged copy, so you'll be the asshole who went to China and paid full price for "Fantastic Four, Rise of The Silver Surfer", right?

Fine then, I won't try to stop you.

If I ever make it to the Taj Mahal at least I'll have the place to myself. I wonder of I can get free admission with some free tickets to the comedy club...or a maybe a blowjob. "Dude, give me your cell phone. I want to get a picture of this..."

Currently listening : Hot Fuss By The Killers Release date: 15 June, 2004

11:44 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hey San Fran- We’ve added a show!

There's now a 5:00 Show this Saturday. Go to:

http://punchlinecomedyclub.com/

For tickets.

2:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Some thoughts while watching the NHL All Star Game on DVR

1. I'm not the ugliest guy who skates.

2. I skated today with my daughter at what I think might be an illegal Ice Arena in Van Nuys. It is the strangest place I've ever seen. It's like three old scrap metal shops combined to create a small ice arena tucked away on this weird street off Van Nuys Boulevard that's just a little too shady to be on the up and up. I think they were giving abortions in the penalty box. It was very surreal, but very cool. Tons of people apparently are aware of this place because it was packed, and we had a great time. So for those of you who say there's nothing fun to do in Van Nuys, you've never considered skating...or refrigerated abortion.

3. My daughter (4 years-old) passed her paternity test this weekend. We were driving in the car on the way to Jack in the Box (Her suggestion, first hurdle cleared) and she said, "Dad, it's not nice to cook animals....But it is delicious." My kid. Clearly. Then just to close the case "Because I've had bacon." My kid. My kid. My kid. My kid. And I couldn't be more proud. C'mon can you clear out a moral conundrum that quick? I'll give you a million dollars to sleep with your wife if you can.

4. The first goal in the All Star game was scored 12 seconds in. Is there nothing Tom Brady can't do?

5. I'm nervous about performing in San Francisco next weekend. The people up there think they're better than the people down here. Mostly because they are. I've met some. They're more patient and tolerant. Their calves are more muscular and their air cleaner. They have better architecture and less bulgy trannies. Their wine is more savory as are their homeless (not nice to cook them...but delicious). It's like the whole damned city has been lined up at Balco labs ingesting human inner-growth hormone and I don't like it, not one bit. What will they understand of my tales of noisy desperation? These people are so content that God, Satan, Bill O'Reilly (I know, redundant) or whoever the hell controls the real world attempts on a regular basis to shake them from it. Please tolerate my presence, San Francisco. I'm just a lowly Dodger fan trying to help Joel McHale buy an infinity pool.

6. It's 11 minutes in to the All-Star game and there are 3 goals on the board. What the ever-living fuck is wrong with you, soccer?

7. I know there's no real defense tonight, so spare me your no kudos posts. That still doesn't explain what is wrong with soccer. 4 goals on the board. The last scored by Barack Obama who can't stop winning.

8. Yeah, did you catch that or do you "do things" on a Saturday night? I'm starting to love this guy. The victory speeches get me all goose pimply. I'm not ashamed to admit it. He might be a bit short on specifics, but it's kinda good to feel inspired for a change.

9. If Obama becomes President and finally, a Presidential apology for slavery is issued, does it count?

10. If he wins and doesn't issue a Presidential apology for slavery, what the hell does it take?

11. Are you still reading?

12. If so, are you someone who doesn't work on The Soup?

13. If you're someone who does work on The Soup, haven't you figured out yet that if any of this is any good, I'll repeat it to you tomorrow as poorly disguised conversation? If I do (and you know you're gonna hear the "Not nice to cook animals" story at least once more), please tolerate me. I'm just a lowly Executive Producer trying to help Joel McHale get Bose in wall surround sound speakers.

14. 46 seconds left in the first period. 5-1 East. I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with basketball.

10:29 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Something you should watch

Okay, clearly you have no use for me and my politics. How about The Dancing Maxi-Pad and Mankini staring in a new web series. It's called "Grace Church: FBI, CIA, SAG, AFTRA". Check it out, there are three episodes done and I think they're awesome. Here's the link to the first. The other two should be linked from there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2IxEaSElkQ&feature=related

Hope you enjoy.

8:35 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment