outsider artist

my dad would wear my high school gym uniform to mow the lawn on the weekends.  this is while i was still in high school.  i'd bring it home for my mom to wash, but before she did that, my dad would put it on to push the mower around.  he took pride in our lawn and would make an impressive lattice pattern every time.

the part that bothered me wasn't that he stretched out the shorts too much or that the shirt was too short, leaving an uncomfortable amount of midrif showing on a middle-aged man.  it was that the shirt had my last name written across the front of it in big black letters.  that way, when kids from school drove by laughing at the grown man in a high school gym uniform sweating profusely, they knew exactly who's dad it was.  my friends would come by and say, "hey, mr. kinane, you gonna try out for basketball this year?" and laugh.  being a man of function and logic, he never saw the humor in such statements.  he would smile politely, say nothing, and continue on, unfazed.

4:56 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

latching on to the bow of an already sunken ship

sometimes after all the medicine's been sloshing about the guts for a few hours, i forget the social norms, as we're all wont to do.  like last night at barney's beanery, i thought i had something really clever in my holster.  something to make a good a great night.  turns out i was just yelling in strangers' faces "who's gettin' a snug piece of ass at bingo's bonery tonight! whoo!" 

can't blow smoke off the barrel of a gun that only shoots farts.  what the fuck does that mean?  i write like i'm wearing old sweatpants.  once i got a sweatpants boner in junior high in the cafeteria so i couldn't get up to get my food.  then the lunch line closed and i thought i was going to starve to death because of an erection.  good god don't post this.

3:41 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

some rules may not apply

just because i wake up naked on the lawn sometimes doesn't mean that i must've been a werewolf the night before.  and sure, we could all say that the coors lights must've been the silver bullets that killed the beast, but i'm sure i've heard that metaphor before.

this could've been better.  i'm sorry.  it's been a long week and i may have to fist fight the guy at the auto glass place later this afternoon.  a loss will justify firing up the barbeque just as much as a victory, so really either way i'm going to win friday night.

3:56 PM - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

i entertain myself

i sent this email to myself on october 2, 2006 and just found it now while searching my inbox for something:

not good at making friends.
good at making up friends, though.

had dinner last night with my good friend Scooby Pubis
the third.

Captain Toshiba Marlborough

i've only been listening to music that i want played
at my funeral.

that's a lot of 'pop goes the weasle'.

12:05 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

another from the resume

the second most poignant moment that happened at the donut factory was when my dependably stoic shift supervisor mike came by the hopper, grabbed a heap of fresh dough with both hands, and said "kinda feels like a nice warm titty, doesn't it?" and then walked away. 

i was embarrassed mostly because i must've given an honest reaction.  not "i can't believe you'd be so uncouth and disrespectful as to compare this food product to the very organ that makes a woman the giver of life," but "oh, shit, i'm 17 years old and i haven't even felt a titty yet.  where in the hell are my priorities, for fuck's sake?"

that summer, i was the most attentive employee that hopper station had ever seen.  each individual ball of dough was cupped and caressed with the sensitivity reserved for late-night cable love-making.  i think the mexicans may've mocked my over-eagerness to the task in spanish amongst themselves, but i didn't care.  hey, we don't all get laid in juarez on our 11th birthday.  some of us just have to figure it out on our own.

later that summer i finally tried to go for it with a girl that lived in lake county (right off the same exit for lambs farm).  without knowing better, i tried burrowing underneath her underwire bra.  it felt like i was trying to steal candy from a vending machine, with my hand bent strange, feeling for something i didn't even know.  it got old and then we went to denny's.

8:05 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

fortune cookie

nobody classy ever uses the word "classy," you asshole. 

clean up your act.

6:36 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

i’m gonna write animated features

i'm sure these will work themselves out in the writing process:

"wild, wild nest" 

cowboy birds doing old west shit but they're birds too.  like, one of the characters will be a duck named wild bill or some bullshit and there will be drunk seagulls that are dressed like sailors.  whatever.  a toucan will have a monocle and be regal and the crows will be bad guys and i haven't figured out what to do for horses yet.  and an eagle will be there doing something heroic because you can't make an eagle an enemy.  not now that they're on all the money anyway.  maybe that'll be a joke.  like, the eagle will answer a question and the toucan will say "you're right on the money with that one, eagle."  fuck it.

"hardcore"

it's a bunch of fruit that are vigilantes and maybe they have to fight some big name corporate farmer fatass that wants to tear down their stupid gay field where they live in the trees (you mean an orchard you stupid dick?).  and there's this awkward scene with a bee pollinating a flower and the lights go down and the bee is french and talking all sexy like "wee wee, my little flaowair, eet ees time for us to, how you say, make the romance."  and then later you see the bee smoking because he just got done fucking.  it's for the grown-ups, that part.  oh, and a banana takes off it's own peel and throws it on the ground so one of the farmer guys slips on it.  and then they'll cheer for a second but then the banana will get embarrassed because he'll realize that he's naked.  and the strawberries will be the tough guys because of the juxtaposition.  and there will be a tomato with an identity crisis going on.

"pretty crazy"

it's after the department store shuts down when the cosmetics counter comes alive in this adventurous tale of adventure starring red, a lipstick searching for her real parents (voice of rae dong ching chong), and  lou gosset jr as the voice of hector spectacles, the wisest pair of reading glasses that ever came to life in this crazy tale of wacky adventure.  will red find out that her mom is really an eye shadow pencil that dances for dollars on the discount cologne counter, or will hector take her in to save her from the heartbreak?  or is hector really her dad after a steamy trist with some of that face powder shit (foundation?  i don't know enough about make-up).  i bet you're dying to find out!  and there's probably gonna be a shampoo and conditioner bumbling detective team.  and everyone's british.  fuck you.

4:36 PM - 13 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

for when to search for self in the line of on

in my meglomaniacal late night booze-googling of my own existence, i came across a website called tastelikepizza.com (nsfw).  they had a video of mine up there.  there was also this description:

"Stand up comedian is helemaal top vooral als je een topper als deze Kyle Kinane aan het werk ziet. Hij neemt niet echt een blad voor z'n mond en staat ook niet bekend om zijn vrouwvriendelijke shows. Deze appereance is in de show Last Call die ik eigenlijk nog niet kende."

according to the google translator (dutch was the closest thing that would flip it), it says this:

8:38 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

overpriced smoke signals

fuck your iphone and your soft child hands.  i'm getting an army field communications expert.  keep tapping away on your status symbol, lady fingers.  i've got rick over here with a backpack full of answers.  

i want to find an arby's?  homeboy's got a map.  i want to hear the new alicia keys single?  he's gonna sing it softly in my ear.  you got something you want to say to me?  leave a message with pvt. henderson. 

get out the camera, private, and take a picture of that fat girl's thong!

then play me some tetris.

"then play me some tetris"?  i really didn't think this one out first.

poor effort.  just pretend i deleted all this already. 

4:59 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

this machine kills coors light

Various alterations of 'daddy needs a new pair of shoes' that I'd yell if I were winning at craps just to see how far pure greed would keep everyone else in the game:

"Not now, emotional void.  I'm trying to buy you a bus ticket outta here!"

"Money does buy happiness, and happiness got big, big titties and a sock in her mouth!"

"Who should've died in the womb now, Dad?"

"Why don't you go knit a scarf for my dick, Louise!"

"Blackjack, niggas!"

"I will drink your souls."

6:01 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment