Southern Tips
Current mood: sleepy

Here is yet another helpful tip from Kyle Parris:

In Alabama, if a cop pulls you over and you DON'T have a Lynyrd Skynyrd CD in your player, you WILL get a ticket.

I'll be back with another helpful tip.  Will you still remember me?

Kyle Parris, the finest picker to EVER play the blues!

Currently listening : Second Helping By Lynyrd Skynyrd Release date: 04 November, 1997

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Ponce De Leon Observation: Crips and the KKK
Current mood: content
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Hello,

 This is Ponce De Leon reporting from Earth with another observation.

Two rival groups, the KKK and the Crips, came together for a debate.  The KKK leader, entitled the Grand Wizard, called the Crips "a bunch of n***er assholes!".  The leader of the Crips, a drug distribution company, called the KKK members "cracka pussies!"

The two group leaders continued to argue until they found one common trait:  They both have an intense hatred of homosexuals. Having found this common ground, the members of both factions locked arms together and sang the gospel hymn "Praise the Lord, Pass the Ammunition, and Shoot Dem Fags!"

I'll be back with another observation.

Ponce De Leon

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : Can’t Get Enough By Barry White Release date: 19 March, 1996

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Ponce De Leon Observation: Atheism
Current mood: cranky
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Hello,

This is Ponce De Leon reporting from Earth with another observation.

Many humans here on Earth practice a form of snobbery called "Atheism".  This, according to its practitioners, is the belief that any body that believes in the existence of God is an idiot.  The "Atheists" believe that they have intellectual superiority over those that disagree with them.  They walk around with their noses way up in the air.  Thier snobbery matches that of their spiritual opposites, the Christians. 

Both Atheists and Christians  fight in coffeehouses by hitting each other with copies of the Bible.  The winner of this Biblical smackdown gets to say "I'm smarter than you" and walks away with his or her nose stratospherically high in the air. 

Despite their radical differences, there is one similarity that both sets of snobs have:  None have even read the Bible.

I'll be back with another observance.

Ponce De Leon

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : Rhythm Nation 1814 By Janet Jackson Release date: 24 August, 1989

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Snorting Tips
Current mood: hungry
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Here is yet another helpful tip from Kyle Parris:

Don't snort Coke!  Snort Pepsi!

I'll be back with another helpful tip.

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : The Ultimate Collection By Patsy Cline Release date: 17 October, 2000

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Ponce De Leon Observance: Child Rearing
Current mood: cold
Category: School, College, Greek

Hello, I am Ponce De Leon reporting from Earth with another observance:

Parents here on Earth teach their children to have NO opinions in order to eradicate ANY chance offending some one, therefore preserving the status quo.  For instance, ask a human child their thoughts on Islam, Christianity, Mormonism, or politics, they're conditioned to say "Every one is free to choose" without even thinking.  This taking of the child's freedom of expression is called "tolerance".  Humans even have special Controlled Thought Zones where this brainwashing is applied.  They're called "schools".

I'll be back with another observance.

Ponce De Leon

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : Tea for the Tillerman By Cat Stevens Release date: 23 May, 2000

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Ponce De Leon: Bible Observance
Category: Religion and Philosophy

This is Ponce De Leon reporting from Earth with another observance:

Millions of humans, particularly Americans, depend upon a book called The Bible.  They use it for their child's booster seat; as a doorstop; or as a paperweight. 

When asked, most of the Americans I've met say that they believe EVERY word of the Bible is true, though none have bothered to read it.

I'll be back with another observance.

Ponce De Leon

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : Howlin’ Wolf/Moanin’ in the Moonlight By Howlin’ Wolf Release date: 25 October, 1990

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Abortion Tips
Current mood: complacent
Category: Life

Here is yet another helpful tip from Kyle Parris:

After getting an abortion, DON'T throw the fetus away!  Instead, RECYCLE IT!  Just do any of the following:

1.  Use an arm as a back scratcher!

2.  Use the head as a paperweight!

3.  Use the torso as a doorstop!

Remember, just because you ended the life of your child doesn't mean you should end that of the Earth!

I'll be back with another helpful tip.

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : The Definitive Collection By ABBA Release date: 06 November, 2001

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Ponce De Leon Reporting From Earth
Current mood: cold
Category: News and Politics

Hello,

My name is Ponce De Leon.  I'm a reporter here on Earth who will be blogging about the goings on on the planet.  .  Basically, I'll be letting my fellow Martians know what life is like here on Earth.  I'll be specifically blogging about the United States of America, since I landed here.  (I'm in Illinois, to be exact).

I'll call this blog "Observances"

My first Observance:

The American government gives their Black population special treatment.  They build special apartment buildings for them to keep off the streets.  They call these complexes "prisons". 

I'll be back with more Observances.

Ponce De Leon

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : Aja By Steely Dan Release date: 23 November, 1999

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Organic Tips
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life

Here is yet another helpful tip from Kyle Parris:

Women, go completely organic sexually by using a banana to masturbate.

I'll be back with another helpful tip.

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : A Whiter Shade of Pale By Procol Harum Release date: 30 June, 1997

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July 4th Tips
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Here is yet another helpful tip from Kyle Parris:

This Fourth of July, have a blast by going to the ghetto and setting off a pack of firecrackers.  Then sit back and watch people duck.

I'll be back with another helpful tip.

Kyle Parris

Currently listening : The Rolling Stone Women In Rock Collection By Various Artists Release date: 15 September, 1998

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