Its never been about me....
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

First of all - if you care to comment please take the time to email me your comments because I am disabling them for this blog.

Am I okay? No I'm not - all in all I haven't been in a long time. If you really want to know the truth about my life in a nutshell - read some of my lil brothers blogs. He talks about loveless marriages, people who don't belong together, and people uncapable of love....and the people who try everyday to fix it. The people who wake up and think to themself "Its not about me...how can I make them happy" - and the people who walk away because they just don't know what to do anymore or are too messed up in their own minds to really take the time and energy to try to fix things. The problem with walking away is not only the walking away part but the feelings you cause when you leave - when you tell that person they aren't worth stopping for...they aren't worth fighting for...and they aren't worth trying for - were they ever? Not once in my life have I woke up and worried about myself - I wish to god I could...its never been about me...and it probably never will be.

What do I wake up to....trying to keep my family together? Worrying about checks (not mine) bouncing? How to help my family cope with the loss that they are going through? How to help my family and friends to finally be satisfied in this life? Sending prayers and pictures out to family members....lending support to who ever needs it....etc...

...and the sad thing is - and I know this is just going to sound like whining - but does anyone ever wake up and think about the people that wake up and think about them.

*Thank you for those that replied to me VIA email ... you know who you are*

5:55 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos

Just an update...
Current mood: awake

I have a freaking headache....lol...my dog is a loudmouth - I have to work a LONG day today ... like go in at 9 - and both my 1st break and lunch before 1 - and then stay there until 6...its my least fav day of the week.

Personal messages to some people that might read my blog - Angie - Got your letter, will write back probably tomorrow or 2nite after work if we don't go see Journey to the Center of the Earth....Kat - thanks for the upbeat email - will answer back probably tonite....

okay that's all - not much of an update but whether then focusing on the negative things happening in my life - I'll just drink my coffee and get over it...

on a semi positive note - working on developing a game with some school friends...we haven't got very far but I joined the group because I liked the name - Labyrinth - imagine that

Good movies to see - Impact Point and Mama's Boy

F-ed up movie to see - Spun and Requim for a Dream

1:59 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Update - fun stuff...not allowing myself negative thoughts today...
Current mood: dorky
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Here is a recap of a conversation I had with my brother - look for pics soon...lol...gotta love copy and paste :)

Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:20:20 PM): I met Micheal Douglas and Shorty Coleman
Connery (8/9/2008 8:21:15 PM): ?
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:21:28 PM): 2 of the globetrotters
Connery (8/9/2008 8:21:33 PM): ah
Connery (8/9/2008 8:21:37 PM): where?
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:21:55 PM): Ben Franklin - they came in friday and saturday
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:22:12 PM): they are at a boys basketball youth camp up in PR right now...
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:22:17 PM): tall tall men
Connery (8/9/2008 8:22:20 PM): omg
Connery (8/9/2008 8:22:33 PM): im coming home!!!
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:22:44 PM): they tried to get me to give them highfives
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:22:59 PM): and they taught Daniel how to do that whole spin the ball thing
Connery (8/9/2008 8:23:13 PM): ahhhh
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:23:51 PM): it was sad though....I came home 15 minutes before they came back in and a bunch of people got pics with them...but not I...because it was on THURS and I had to get home - early day
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:24:14 PM):  that made me cry...it would of been such an awesome pic to send Tyler
Connery (8/9/2008 8:24:22 PM): yea
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:24:31 PM): tall globetrotter - me - tall globetrotter
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:25:57 PM): I told mom I was never leaving BF again - I always miss out on the group photo's 
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:26:21 PM): Joannes' last day where everyone wore pink - Santa Claus - and now Globetrotters

Connery (8/9/2008 8:30:10 PM): OMG
Connery (8/9/2008 8:30:11 PM): WAIT
Connery (8/9/2008 8:30:15 PM): YOU SAID SHORTY!!!
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:30:20 PM): yeah
Connery (8/9/2008 8:30:59 PM): I LOVE SHORTY!!! he was the coolest one out of the globetrotters!
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:31:01 PM): he's the one who tried to get me to highfive him - nice guy...
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:31:18 PM): Larry "Shorty" Coleman
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:31:56 PM): and Micheal Douglas - who is the founder of the Harlem Legends
Connery (8/9/2008 8:32:18 PM): yeah
Connery (8/9/2008 8:32:33 PM): and then theres hollywood and bobo
Connery (8/9/2008 8:32:34 PM): OMG
Connery (8/9/2008 8:32:39 PM): THEY WERE SO FUCKING CLOSE
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:32:54 PM): um no they...I met them - they were closer then close
Connery (8/9/2008 8:33:15 PM): SHUSH!!
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:33:16 PM): I talked to both of them - they came in and asked me about our photo machine - and we chatted
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:34:40 PM): Micheal Douglas was the tall one - he asked me how long it would take to develop and print 55 pics...I told him about an hour and a half - he said he would be back --- later shorty came back and I thought it was him so bonehead me asked if he had taken the pics yet - and he said "Dude - that wasn't me...you have the wrong black guy...your looking for the tall one"
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:34:56 PM): and then he said "wait a sec - I guess were all tall to you huh?"
Connery (8/9/2008 8:35:16 PM): HAHAHAHHAHAHA
Connery (8/9/2008 8:35:17 PM): OMG
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:35:18 PM): and then he lifted his hand above his shoulders and told me to jump high
Connery (8/9/2008 8:35:19 PM): AHAHAHAHH
Connery (8/9/2008 8:35:21 PM): *dies*
Connery (8/9/2008 8:35:28 PM): OMG
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:35:41 PM): and when I did - customers at Ben Franklin told him to stop picking on me
Connery (8/9/2008 8:35:50 PM): lol
Connery (8/9/2008 8:36:09 PM): you need to get one of those pictures for me
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:36:12 PM): I didn't even know who he was....lol
Connery (8/9/2008 8:36:27 PM): i want a pic of them doesnt matter whos in it
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:37:28 PM): I got pics...just not with me in them - got 2 of the BF crew and them, 1 of Dan spinning the ball, one of Rhanda in the middle of them two, who of "shorty" making Verna smell deodorant that he was going to get - he wanted Lemon Lime smelling stuff, and one with shorty trying on Sunglasses
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:38:13 PM): Rahnda gave me a set of the pics that were taken since I only missed them by 15 min or so...they were suppose to be back yesterday - and I would of got a picture of me between them but alas they didn't come back
Connery (8/9/2008 8:38:15 PM): OMG
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:39:06 PM): but I hope they haven't left town yet - going to bring the camera tomorrow - they have pics they haven't picked up yet...I hope they come back
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:39:25 PM): especcially on a sunday - if they come back I'll get my pic with them....I hope...I'll cry if I don't
Solola Lee (8/9/2008 8:39:54 PM): if they picked up their pics yesterday between 6 and 7 tho I'm screwed

*Update - they never came back for the pictures Daniel fixed for them - I did not get my picture with them...but lucky for me I know how to colorkey people out pictures and add myself into them - so alas - I'll have a digitally enhanced picture...lmao - that is when I get the time to do that. I will post what pictures I do have of them though for Connery and everyone else...:) I just can't believe I met them - lol - and they (like everyone else) teased me...why oh why am I always the one being teased. *

2:47 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tired and Lonely...
Current mood: discontent
Category: Life

yep that about says it all....my kids are sleeping - just got done talking to friend of mine online - couldn't say the right thing to cheer her up...this sucks...and last night I was in a good mood....

"In order to be in love, you have to first love the person. Being in love is a heightened unexplainable level of love. I don't see how a marriage could be worthwhile, and be something of worth if your not in love. So to answer the question you would have to have both. Because love gets you through the hard times, and being in love makes the easy or happy times that much greater." - a definition I read about love today...I shared it with my lonely friend...now she is even lonelier...it wasn't suppose to be that way - I wish I could say the words to cheer her up.

I have a lot to do but not doing any of it - should be emailing a friend - should be finding the stuff Connery wanted me to - should be working on my sons photo albums...should be working on my portfolio - should be folding laundry - should go to sleep....all of the things I should be doing....but I'm not.

One day is positive - the next - not as positive...yesterday was a great day - today so far hasn't been...and the sad thing is I can't even explain why. Too many thoughts going through my head...

9:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Life and Entertainment
Current mood: talkative
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

10,000 BC - I really liked this movie but I doubt I watch it again. The storyline was good but some aspects of it confused me. It's a good movie for those that want to believe in fantasy elements such as speaking to beasts, shaman, and different gods of different times. It is also a touching love story about someone that does go through hellfire and brimstone (or in this case desert heat and jungles full of man eating birds) to rescue the woman he loves.

Definitely, Maybe - By far the best movie I have seen this year. I LOVED this movie. It made me cry but it also made me believe in the power of love and what will be, will be...again. It's strange how movies and/or music lyrics seem to speak to me like that. I do realize that it is just a movie but I also look at it this way - some one had to come up with the storyline...and you can't write what you don't know with that much enthusiasm. As an aspiring writer I know about fairy tale endings - but this isn't a fairy tale ending....in the end the man still gets a divorce but going back in time in his mind...made all the difference in the world. It's a must see movie if you have a single romantic bone in your body...lol.

The Bucket List - touching and this is a movie that will probably make you think about all the things you should be doing while your alive. However the parts about this movie I didn't like was the fact that most everything they did revolved around one guys $$$ ... the ending was a surprise - and the element of friendship between these two people was amazing. You definitely need to see this movie also - and then come up with your own bucket list.

Ella Enchanted - a must see romantic movie. This movie mixed several GREAT stories into it - like Wizard of Oz, Cinderella...and the main character is none other then Anne Hathaway - from Princess Diaries fame. It is definitely a fantasy movie - and I can't really see the typical guy getting into it...but all in all it is a great movie. I watched it with my mom and my daughter - couldn't stop laughing in some parts...

Okay I'm done blogging now - go see the movies and then come back and tell me how YOU felt about them....perhaps we can have a debate about them through my blogging posts...lmao :)

7:06 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

All is quiet...

The house has an eerily silence to it...can't explain it really...but I know its because right now Connery-Tyler-and mom are all gone. You'd think that would give me the perfect opportunity to work on I don't know - my portfolio perhaps...but I have gotten so used to doing my homework while the house was a madhouse that now the silence is just getting to me. Anyways not much to blog about today but that...last night I FINALLY made up for the 2 hours of sleep I got the night before. My sleep schedule is totally whacked out...fact right now I am totally whacked out. Lots of unexplainable pains. Two days ago it was sharp pains up my legs, and yesterday it was sharp pains through my back...on top of a few other things that I don't want to mention here in blogging territory. Yep not much to blog about today - sorry:(

1:38 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Happy Blog - no depressing thoughts so far today...
Current mood: artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry

Hiya - guess what its 4:30 AM and I'm blogging again - who knew that when I started really opening up how I feel it would all come out. Anyways this is going to be a quick blog to let some people know - well the few people that have read my first book The Necklace of Manajca and didn't like it...that I started a new book yesterday...not fantasy, well not dragons and elves fantasy...still fantasy because well that's what I'm into...but just between me and well - you all...I have the prologue done, started the first chapter and so far I'm really excited about where this book is going to lead. AND for those of you who are fans of my fantasy series...and are still waiting for book 2...I'm slowly working on that also. I so badly want to write about what its about here....but alas that would be bad...so here are some hints...CSI meets BLOOD SLAVE...lol...meets NIGHTWALKERS meets ROMANCE. lol-now your probably lost...well so was I but yesterday during my lunch at work I just picked up a pencil and started writing - 1 hour later I put the pencil down.

So I guess the question is why am I writing when I should be working on my portfolio...well my portfolio is going to consist of 3 parts. 3d Modeling and Eek...animation, Photo Manipulation, and Writing and Drawing. I love to write...I can't explain why but something about being able to just forget everything else and really put yourself in the shoes of your characters. With writing anything is possible - you make the rules...anyways I probably wont blog about my new book anytime soon...I just thought that with all my miserable blogs, I could have an upbeat one today:)

11:31 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Another day-another blog...
Current mood: bummed
Category: Blogging

An update about me - I'm really tired...had a long talk with my sister in law tonite - and then followed it up with a long talk with her brother...my husband, Tim. Not much to really say there since it's not really fair to talk about our problems online - perhaps that is one big area where I am majorly in the wrong in my marriage. Sometimes I so badly need to be heard that I don't care who it is that hears me...that in fact gets me into trouble. But I'm not the only one - there are so many lonely souls out there. There are people I know right now that are pretending to be happy - they are with their significant others because they are so afraid of being alone. The truth is when it comes to love I am jaded - always have been, as long as I can remember. Do I come from divorced parents? YES - did I watch my mom go through a few bad relationships - YES...but its not just that. I have the typical same thoughts as so many other people. I've been cheated on, accused of cheating, depressed and lonely and to be honest - for awhile this year I didn't care if I ever woke up from my good night of sleep.

SECRETS - we all have them, or atleast most of us do. Some of us don't feel safe enough to disclose that part of ourselves. Fact I know people who just live for pretending-they make it through another day only because of the alcohol they have within their grasp once they walk through their house doors. If you want someone to love you then be yourself??? This is easier to say then to prove true...especcially when you do not even know who you really are. It's hard to make someone love you - impossible? I don't know...but I would think it would be even harder to make someone love you if you aren't you.

Why am I writing this down? Perhaps its because I know who reads my blogs and who don't...am I looking for a certain response - perhaps...am I looking for any reason to keep blogging and staying a member of myspace - perhaps...am I looking for anything that keeps me from shutting out people all together - perhaps...or am I just blogging to be blogging....

My brother did a blog a few days ago about friends...what is friendship? Honestly I need to really know this, I thought I had it down but obviously not...to me a friend is there when you need them, they give you a shoulder to cry on...they would hold your hair back when you are puking because the booze hit you wrong, they stick up for you when you get your heart broken, and they do not screw you over...I am a good friend. Loyal to a fault - but I have some bad friend qualities also...for example if my friend  was being beaten by her husband and she asked me to stay out of it - I wouldn't...I know me enough to know that the man is toast. I'm 4 ft 10 in tall but guess what dynamite comes in small packages - and you can ask people I have talked to in the past....I can be snide and when it comes to protecting someone I care about - my words pack a helluva punch...however the sad truth is some people don't want my help...or anyone elses help. They want to figure it out on their own, even if they can't do it by themselves. However what they do need to do is TALK - they need to know that it is okay to vent to someone...another friend, a piece of paper, etc. SEE - bad friend quality...sometimes I don't listen. I hear the words, I see the tears, but I don't listen...and that too gets me in trouble. However I would never leave a friend in need alone to deal with his or her problems...none of the very few friends I have would have to ever be worried about that.

So what is my real point of this blog....I think its this small piece of advice - LET THE STRONGEST VOICE IN YOUR LIFE BE YOUR OWN...

4:47 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Waking up to a hot cup of coffee...
Current mood: discontent
Category: worried Jobs, Work, Careers

Last night I blogged about LIFE and some aspects of it that confuse the hell out of me...today I'm going to blog quickly while I'm waking up about my job - my future - and how far in debt I really am...

I'm not in a particularly GREAT mood but today is okay...I work at Ben Franklin as a cashier but I also help run the electronics and food departments...I love my job. Why does this matter? Because other then the few friends I have it keeps me sane. No matter how bad my day gets - it gets me through another day. Once I step into the building I feel appreciated and worthwhile...and right now that means everything to me... so yes my job means a lot to me...but sadly soon I have to leave it and everyone I've gotten to know through it...why you might ask...

What people know about me - I am a hardworker - completely believe in work ethic...give it my all...and loyal to the core...

What people might know about me... I took a real chance 3 years ago by going back to school for Game Art Design...and by real chance I mean I'll probably be in debt for a really long time. Why did I do it - lol - because I needed to at that time to keep myself sane (you'll see a pattern soon) and because I told the lady who called about my book and how people from day one say that it would make a good video game...well it would if I cut a few things out...so I listened...and poof in one quick swoop I dropped out of community college where I was studying computer administration and enrolled into what I have done for the past 3 years...

If I hadnt of done that I could stay at Ben Franklin for life if I want to but now I have my co-workers jumping my case - is your portfolio done? NO - is your resume out there? NO...are you making plans to relocate? NO...So what are you doing with your education...um...thinking about it a lot I guess and wondering what I can do next. Truth 1 about me...and this is hard for me to admit...I don't like finishing anything...ask those that have read my book - the first one...and expecting the second - and have been for a long time. Consistency isnt a quality of mine...but hey with this I don't have a choice now do I?

As much  I love working at Ben Franklin - soon I will have to move on...right? Will I freelance? I wanted to for a long time - and my mom thinks I will but she also thinks that if I keep writing then I'd eventually sell something...she has always been the biggest fan of my writing...she believes in me when I don't anymore...

What people don't know about me - I'm scared ..my life is spinning out of control and the fact that soon I'll be working just to pay back my student loans starting NOV scares me...I took a chance in a time that I need a distraction - I got my distraction with a high price tag...I'm NO WHERE CLOSE to where I need to be to actually get in the industry. I'm so afraid of failure that I'm so afraid to try. The truth - I graduated May 20th - my goals was to start working on my portfolio after my son went to his fathers for 14 months...that was 2 weeks ago but when I sit down at this computer all I do is tense up and freak out...wth did I do? I did what I always do - I chose to ignore my feelings by keeping myself busy but the question now is how do I get over my feelings of failure to actually make it out there in the big vast world?

5:52 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Why oh Why...
Current mood: blah
Category: Life

I read my brothers blogs about serious topics on life - it hit home...perhaps because unfortunately I feel as if he spoke the truth about things that have a lot to do with me and my life right now...and partially because I have felt the same way for a long time now. The truth is - I have wrote so many blogs that my friends haven't seen because I was so damn worried about what they would think of me and how I feel. The honesty of it all is that peoples opinions of me mean way more then they should...and they are probably hindering my chances for happiness. There is so much sadness in this world that I feel that to complain about my problems is being petty - plus I don't really think people want to hear about me complaining since its obvious to everyone including myself that I don't have the guts to do what it takes to change where I am headed. I have a few semi-toxic relationships that some say are holding me back - I have few friends - and the truth is I live in the past way too much. There are people who have hurt me that I have never forgiven...and instead I let that anger, hurt, and frustration of not knowing what it takes to be happy, tear me apart.

So why am I writing this all down now...hm...good question - 1. A friend of mine here wrote a blog about less action and more complaining being done everyday and nothing really changing that hit home. 2. My brothers blog hit home with me in a way I can't explain because it would take too long. Everyone should check out these two blogs. 3.  I'm really tired of caring what people think. Sadly yesterday I realized something - I can't fix people...I try to...and sometimes I feel as if the only time I am truly happy is if I am trying to help someone - mom says its a motherly complex. But I can't fix it.  A long time ago I thought I could fix two peoples relationship - but alas those two weren't meant together and when I did that...or tried to do that, when it didn't work I got angry...and I have been trying to fix things since. My relationship - my friends relationships - my familys relationships...I so badly want to fix it all. I need to because that is where my happiness comes in....BUT alas - I suck at trying to fix things...trust me on this. I was told this in a no-bars honestly way by both my mom and my brother yesterday...not to mention what friends I do have tell me the same thing. Everytime I try to fix something I make it obviously worse - so if ANYONE chooses to ask me for advice - I think they need to sign a disclaimer or something...not that people really ask me for advice. I have a few people there for me when I need someone to talk to...but I really think they just want to strangle me and tell me to shut up...perhaps not in a bad way but in a "wake up and smell the coffee" way...does that make sense?

So here are my thoughts - I agree with my entire heart about my brothers definition of love...lmao - wow that was difficult to say. If you know me in real life you know I can't remember a lot but what I can remember is that what he says about love being an ability has proven to be true in my eyes. I watched my mom go through relationship after relationship with guys that were they ever even capable of loving her? hm...no where close to the love she deserves...and that is an honest fact. No doubt in my mind whatsoever - and guess what she is alone now...but the honest to god truth is that she is less lonely now then when she was in a relationship...so what was the real point? The truth is I don't think some people are capable of love - and I think that some people being together brings out the worse in each of them...how many people have dreamed of a white picket fence and marrying their true love? and how many have settled for less....the truth - most. It's really sad-even the people I thought were happy couples aren't...and then theres that age old question "how many chances at love do you actually get"..a friend of mine said something a long the lines of "what if her husband is her soulmate but she isn't his?" - can that be possible? When is love really over? Is it when one person doesn't deny never being in love with the other? A guy I have in one of my groups I visit online is going through some really hard times - his wife NEVER was in love with him...should he get divorced? Hm...is his love for her going to be enough to get her to change her mind? Another person I know has a friend that asked this girl to marry him and she said "I guess so" um...where is the enthusiasm...wheres the passion in love anymore...???

You may think this is a rant about love and marriage and the tribals of life but its not...its about LIFE in general. There are just so many questions without answers...a lifetime of them...but the truth is until now I haven't bothered writing them down because I didn't think anyone would care what I thought ... but they care about what Connery does...so perhaps its time for me to honestly say what I feel instead of hitting the delete button each time I write a blog out of fear that someone will disagree with me or bash me for my opinions...but the truth of the matter is - everyone is entitled to their opinions. I'll respect yours if you respect mine - and if you don't want to give me that decency then please remove yourself from my friends list...Peace out - Solola

5:13 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment