Prince Of Shadows
Current mood: okay
Category: Music
Prince Of Shadows Lyrics
Album:
Heartbeat Of The Earth
Artist :
Inkubus Sukkubus
Your life, so much sorrow Let me take one moment of your pain You have died a million times over Who would comprehend the misery of life's game So come, let's share of life's treasures We'll live a life of passion undisturbed by shame What you require, I offer with pleasure Let's laughing, tumbling in vermillion rain
Come into my life My Prince of Shadows
My heart shall know of no other Within your arms I feel strangely serene All those lives you've seen rise, mature and die Who else could say that they've seen the nights you've seen The world shall show as such wonders I'll cast my net into the Sea of Dreams And so, my love, I give you my life blood And disregard the hollow life that's been
Currently
listening
:
Heartbeat of the Earth
By
Inkubus Sukkubus
Release date: 31 March, 2006
The Last Year.....
Current mood: happy
Category: Life
Well the last year has been nothing short of amazing and wonderful. A true testament to the benifits of Polyamory. It is hard to believe that a year has gone by already. TW and I have reaped so many rewards within our relationship, so much so that it is evident to others just upon seeing us. To think of all the chaos that led up to this point, as much as I abhorred it while it was going on, I would say I would do it all again in a heartbeat. The love and caring I feel in my life, not only from TW, but from ALL my friends and loved ones (you know who you are) is more than I ever thought possible. It would take far too much space to list each and every one of you and what you have given me. Suffice it to say, you are all appreciated and loved.
Hugs and kisses to you all.
Hmmm...maybe some initials.....
TW, CN, M, DF, X, AG, RSG, KK, C, and many many others!!!!
Sigh, I just do not understand people sometimes. All around me I see people who are unhappy. Some because of jealousy, some, as I myself was, because of self sacrifice. Why is it that so many feel they have to follow the demands of others in order to be happy? Why do some feel they have to control others in order to be happy?
Lets take jealousy, lol, I know about this one too....Jealousy stems from the fear of losing someone to another. Don't people realise that jealousy will CAUSE a relationship to end? Saying you do not trust someone is a sure way to undermine a relationship. Calling someone a liar is another way, especially when unfounded. I should know...these were done to me and helped to cause the end of a 13.5 year relationship.
OK, I am fully guilty of not realizing I was unhappy sooner. I tried for many years to make it work, becuase I thought it was my duty to my children to do so, but, in effect, I was killing myself. I denied who I was for the sake of someone else. I learned my lesson, and I will never again place another above myself.
I am sorry to be rambling, it is just that I see so much pain in so many of the relationships around me, and that I hear about from others. I wish there was something I could do. I suppose the only thing that can be done is to live by example, and hope those around me can see for themselves that they ALL deserve to be happy.
1. To love and be loved by as many people as I want and who want me. 2. To not be in ANY primary relationships. I am content as a secondary partner, I actually prefer to not have the baggage that comes along with a primary relationship 3. To be able to trust those close to me, and to have their trust in return. 4. To be able to be me, whatever that means to me at the time. 5. To have friends that are as empathetic to my needs and desires as I am to theirs. 6. To not have people compare me to others, and assume I am the same as they are. 7. To live life to it's fullest and have the ability to explore just what makes me....me. 8. To be able to share my experiences, strengths and hopes with those around me, and have them share the same with me. 9. To be able to help others in whatever way I can. 10. To be able to provide a loving home for my children and myself, and have people around me that my children can look up to as positive role models.
What I don't want, or don't want around me or those close to me:
1. People arguing about or because of me. 2. People making assumptions about me. 3. People hurting my friends or family (I don't care who you are, or why you are doing it, if it hurts someone close to me in any way, it will upset me)...it is a sure way to piss me off. 4. People who are hypocrites, saying one thing then going back on their word at a later time. If someone makes an honest mistake, that is one thing, but if someone simply changes their mind on a whim, or because it is easier...stay the hell away from me. A promise or agreement should not be broken. 5. People who are quick to make assumptions before getting the full story. 6. People who abuse others emotionally, sexually, spiritually, emotionally, or physically. 7. True Ultimatums - give me an ultimatum, and I will invariably choose opposite of what you want. This is a basic philosophy of mine, and every time I have gone back on this one issue, it has come back to bite me in the ass. I am sticking to this one from now on. I have found that even when I go back to the person who gave the ultimatum after originally leaving them because of my philosophy, the relationship never recovers. In my opinion, people can not give ultimatums and expect the relationship to survive. At least none of mine have. Ultimatums are given out of desperation, not out of love. 8. People who hold grudges. People grow and change, do not hold against me something I did 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. 9. People who jump to conclusions. Nothing is more annoying than someone who jumps before they think, possibly right into a snake pit. 10. People who do not stick up for themselves. 11. People who are so stuck in their own misery and refuse to make the changes necessary to get out of it. 12. People who refuse to let go of the past. Learn from the past, but let it go. You cant't change it, so let it stay in the past. This one goes right along with not holding grudges.
Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Kahlil Gibran on Freedom and Pleasure
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy
On Freedom Kahlil Gibran
At the city gate and by your fireside I have seen you prostrate yourself and worship your own freedom, Even as slaves humble themselves before a tyrant and praise him though he slays them. Ay, in the grove of the temple and in the shadow of the citadel I have seen the freest among you wear their freedom as a yoke and a handcuff. And my heart bled within me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfilment.
You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief, But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.
And how shall you rise beyond your days and nights unless you break the chains which you at the dawn of your understanding have fastened around your noon hour? In truth that which you call freedom is the strongest of these chains, though its links glitter in the sun and dazzle your eyes.
And what is it but fragments of your own self you would discard that you may become free? If it is an unjust law you would abolish, that law was written with your own hand upon your own forehead. You cannot erase it by burning your law books nor by washing the foreheads of your judges, though you pour the sea upon them. And if it is a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed. For how can a tyrant rule the free and the proud, but for a tyranny in their own freedom and a shame in their own pride? And if it is a care you would cast off, that care has been chosen by you rather than imposed upon you. And if it is a fear you would dispel, the seat of that fear is in your heart and not in the hand of the feared.
Verily all things move wrthin your being in constant half embrace, the desired and the dreaded, the repugnant and the cherished, the pursued and that which you would escape. These things move within you as lights and shadows in pairs that cling. And when the shadow fades and is no more, the light that lingers becomes a shadow to another light. And thus your freedom when it loses its fetters becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom.
On Pleasure Kahlil Gibran
Pleasure is a freedom-song, But it is not freedom. It is the blossoming of your desires, But it is not their fruit. It is a depth calling unto a height, But it is not the deep nor the high. It is the caged taking wing, But it is not space encompassed. Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedomsong. And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart; yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing.
Some of your youth seek pleasure as if it were all, and they are judged and rebuked. I would not judge nor rebuke them. I would have them seek. For they shall find pleasure, but not her alone; Seven are her sisters, and the least of them is more beautiful than pleasure. Have you not heard of the man who was digging in the earth for roots and found a treasure?
And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness. But regret is the beclouding of the mind and not its chastisement. They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer. Yet if it comforts them to regret, let them be comforted.
And there are among you those who are neither young to seek nor old to remember; And in their fear of seeking and remembering they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it. But even in their foregoing is their pleasure. And thus they too find a treasure though they dig for roots with quivering hands. But tell me, who is he that can offend the spirit? Shall the nightingale offend the stillness of the night, or the firefly the stars? And shall your flame or your smoke burden the wind? Think you the spirit is a still pool which you can trouble with a staff?
Oftentimes in denying yourself pleasure you do but store the desire in the recesses of your being. Who knows but that which seems omitted today, waits for tomorrow? Even your body knows its heritage and its rightful need and will not be deceived. And your body is the harp of your soul, And it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds.
And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?" Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower, But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee. For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life, And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love, And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.
People of Orphalese, be in your pleasures like the flowers and the bees.
Kahlil Gibran on Love and Marriage
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy
On Love Kahlil Gibran
When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
On Marriage Kahlil Gibran
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Lyrics to 'Evil Genius (The Queen of Sin)' by the Electric Hellfire Club
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Music
Electric Hellfire Club (Kiss the Goat Album)
EVIL GENIUS (THE QUEEN OF SIN)
God made Eve because of Adam's lust But he first made Lilith from the mud and the dust But she was too clever...too disobedient She left him for Satan's infernal legion Now she raises Hell as only she can... Eve ate the apple but her sister ate the man
She's the mistress of unseen forces A clever girl...she's a cunning sorceress She will poison your body, your mind and your soul She has a million ways to make you lose control Her mind is full of traps and schemes She's an evil genius...the girl of your dreams
She's the girl of your dreams...and erotic demon She likes anal sex and the taste of semen She's in ecstasy, no matter how you take her She encourages every crime against nature Her mind is full of traps and schemes She's an evil genius...the girl of your dreams
She weaves a web of broken promises Of honeymoons that end in homicide Of love gone bad like sour milk and the family jewels of little boys that she kills... Myra Hindley and the Czarinas Cleopatra and the goddess Venus Lucretia Borgia, Countess Bathory ...she's an evil genius
When she says "cum in my mouth!" You will think you're dreaming But she uses your seed to make more demons She will suck you inside She will eat you alive... She's the queen bee...of the cannibal hive She drips of honey for you... Like a witch's brew...that will make you Do things that you don't wanna do She will eat you alive... She will suck you in When you kneel before her: The Queen of Sin THE QUEEN OF SIN!
I'm the Devil's daughter I come to you in your dreams I will suck you inside I will make you scream
I am everything you'll ever need I will eat you alive I will make you bleed I'm everything that you want And if you pass the test... You can ejaculate between my breasts...
I will eat you alive I will suck you in I'm an evil genius...the Queen of Sin My evil genius...the Queen of Sin My evil genius...the Queen of Sin My evil genius...
She is everything I've ever wanted And nothing more can come between us She's the Devil's daughter... The Queen of Sin...my evil genius The Queen of Sin...the Queen of Sin My evil genius...the Queen of Sin The Queen of Sin...my evil genius THE QUEEN OF SIN!
Currently
listening
:
Kiss the Goat
By
Electric Hellfire Club
Release date: 25 April, 1995
WOW, where to begin? Last night was amazing. Hex Hollywood was a complete success!!
The evening starts out with DF and I picking up TW to head out to Hex. We decide to stop off at Jack-in-the-box for some food. The line has about 6 cars, we figure, no problem.....takes us 30 minutes or more to get to the windowthen they get the order wrong and leave off an entire portion, but by the time we get past the window and realize it, we dont have time to go back. We get to Hex, and the Valet isnt there, and we are told to go down the street to find parking. Luckily we find street parking, and grab it. DF is able to get in early on account of his hip and goes upstairs to the VIP lounge. He said he had a wonderful chat with Don Henrie while up there since they were the only ones in the club yet, along with a few of the other performers and staff. TW and I wait in line until at least 9:30pm, mind you the club was supposed to open at 9pm. We were standing next to this guy who was extremely loud and obnoxious. We had a group of BTE's (bible thumping extremists) walk past and say "god bless", and various other christian things at us. TW and I took delight in yelling back "Hail Satan", "Hellfire", and "Shemhemforash" at them. They quickly waked away. Well the doors opened, and we finally got inside. The venue was amazing. Decorated beautifully with red lighting. The VIP lounge was decorated with spider webbing and red lighting. there were private booths everywhere. DF had grabbed us one, and we sank into the cushions to rest our feet after standing for so long. We each got a drink...which by the way....were made VERY strong.....lol, and relaxed for a while. We decided to blow some bubbles and chat with some of the others we knew from the Syndicate as they passed by. Seems half of the Syndicate was there. TW decided to go dance, leaving DF and I to fend for ourselves. We also decided to go check the club out. It was HUGE, 2 floors, at least 3 bars and 3 DJ's....amazing. I went straight for the BDSM show. I was very impressed with Watching Sir Nik with his subs. I sat there watching these beautiful women getting tied to the St Andrews cross, smiling. They knew what was coming and were looking forward to it.I was amazed at the skill of the Dom/mes. The way they swung the floggers was like poetry. Like waves crashing onto the shore. Sometimes one flogger, sometimes two. I watched as the dom/mes paid attention to the body language of the women, altered their style based on her reactions. Sometimes giving them a little space to recover before beginning again, perhaps with a different toy. TW came back to chat a few times, but was having a really good time on the dance floor, I looked up frequently to watch him dance, I love watching him having a good time :-).
I was leaning over a padded bench, totally engrossed in the show when my dom came over to talk. My dom whispered in my ear that he wanted me to cum for him, right there in the middle of the club. I was not sure if I could. I have always had a hard time, but he has been working with me and I wanted to. I put my hands around his neck, and with his encouraging words alone, he got me to cum twice for him. Twice, about 30 seconds apart. It was amazing, his words alone got me there. Another friend of ours came over and brought out his flogger. My dom took it and began to flog me. At first it was through my black patent leather gown, but he quickly tired of that. He lifted my skirt exposing my rear and started flogging me again. Sometimes I felt the flogger, sometimes his hand. For a while I was able to continue to watch the show, but finally I had to close my eyes and focus on what I was experiencing. The sensation grew more and more intense. At one point, I opened my eyes and saw my dom off to one side watching, it was then I realized my other friend was flogging me. My dom kept coming over asking me if I was ok, which I was. I knew I was going to bruise, and I didn't care. I was enjoying myself. I also knew people were watching us, I saw TW and DF watching at one point, and many others as well, I didn't care. I was enjoying getting flogged, much more than I ever thought I would. There were a few times when someone was spanking me in quick succession that I was not sure if I could continue, but I tried to stay focused, and I enjoyed it. I didnt want them to stop....lol My dom kept putting ice on my butt to cool it down, I barely felt the ice, but I felt the water trickling down my legs. Finally he pulled my skirt down and asked if I wanted to go back upstairs, I agreed. We all went upstairs and I had a great chat with Michelle Belanger, a brief talk with Don Henrie and then went to find a quiet corner to sit down at. We talked for a while and TW came to sit with us after scouting the club and dancing. I began to play with the strands of metallic beads, and jokingly tied my hands in them. My dom grabbed them and pulled my hands over my head, then pulled me across his lap. He lifted my skirt again, and told TW to use his riding crop. The first few times I was smiling, then as he kept hitting in the same spot, I began to squirm. My dom told TW about every sound I made, OMGS it was intense. At the time I couldnt decide if I was enjoying it, or if it was too intense. Looking back, I really did enjoy it, despite the fact my butt is now blue....lol.
We stayed in the corner for a while playing with shiny objects ::WEG:: trying to not get too messy, then again, we were all in black so who would notice anyway in a dark club. As the club was winding down, at about 2:50am, we decided to head out before the crowd hit. We went back to Jack-in-the-box for an early morning snack. I took all my friends home and tried to sleep for 2 hours before having to take the kids to school and my g-ma to her Dr. Appt. I did not get a chance to sleep until 3:30pm on the 1st....lol, I still am not feeling caught up.
I watch him as he circles me, that wild feral look in his eyes, A predator, seeking his prize. I smile, as I sway seductively, My wolf following my every move, His eyes aglow with passions promise, I stop and turn, peering through the mist, I see him standing proud and true. I stand my ground as he stalks closer, My breath quickens, my heart beats faster, His touch electric, his kiss erotic, a flash of metal, his blood is sweet, Our embrace is tender, eternal...complete.
I lay prone on the bed, my naked flesh cooling in the air. I have been anticipating this night for the last week, asking question upon question, trying to glean what little information I can from all who know me. I know this is what I want, yet the anxiety is still there. Mentally I think I am ready, but the images that go through my mind make me question whether I should get up and walk away. I trust him. I close my eyes and focus on myself. I focus on my breath. I relax my muscles. I hear him rustling nearby. My breath quickens, the room goes silent. I wonder where he is, my eyes still shut. I tell myself to breathe. As I breath in, I feel the soft cool leather floating across my skin. It starts at my upper back and travels slowly down my spine. I feel him lift the leather from my skin, and let it fall gently onto my back, continuing the caress, and adding the whisper of air across my flesh. He continues to caress me, until I realize I have been holding my breath, and I consciously relax once again. Each time he lifts the leather from my skin, he lets it fall aa rythm begins. The falls are random across my back, shoulders, sides and butt. Each fall bringing a delicious kiss of cool air just before the leather hits. My trust grows as my relaxation deepens, the sensation delightful, the sound echoing my own heartbeat.....then stillness...I wonder what is going on, but I am too relaxed to open my eyes. I feel his hands, warm on my skin, touching me, making sure I am relaxed. As he gets to my ass, he slaps it, then rubs the heat into one, and then the other cheek, aa few light sucessive pats on each side of my spine, then traveling lower. Each pat getting a little harder, the impression lasting a little longer, the sensation not fading before the next pat lands on the same spot. My breathing becoming quicker once again as the sensations slowly are getting more intense. I am enjoying the expertise he shows in know just how many times to cater to each spot to evoke an emotional response before moving to the next area. He grabs the leather paddle, I hear the air rush out from beneath it as it strikes my ass with a loud snap. A gasp escapes as the sting spreads warmth through my cheeks and down into my legs, then another wave of sensation hits me as he brings it down again. I focus again inward, embracing the sensation as the paddle continues to strike blows.....then once again......stillness....I wonder what else he has waiting for me, I eagerly anticipate the new sensations. I want more....I feel the cold pliable plastic strands being draped slowly across my back, the edges of the strands slightly abrasive. He lets me get used to the new feeling a few times before he lets it land between my shoulder blades, aa smile as I look into his eyes, he smiles back. I close my eyes once again as I feal the soft leather he started with. He uses much more force this time, letting the strands of suede land hard on my back, with the same cool air rush I feel between each fall. He makes sure every part of my back has had it's fair share before lightly running the leather across my sensitive skin. I know he is done. I let a sigh of pleasure escape my lips as I feel him close next to me, putting his arms around me. I feel the love and comfort he offers so freely, and I hug him back. I look into his eyes and smile. Though I felt a little disappointed as I had mentally prepared for something entirely different, I was satisfied. I had not expected it to be so relaxing, so enjoyable, with so little pain. I wanted more, then he told me he stopped because he was afraid that if he kept going, that I would bruise, and then I understood. This was why I trusted him, how I knew he would not harm me. I knew I was safe, and very content snuggled in his arms......and eagerly awaiting the next time. little harder until small moan escapes my lips at the sudden sensation. I feel cool leather against my shoulder blades once again, slight stinging sensation in far contrast to the loud slapping of the last toy. As he continues to let the strands fall harder and harder, I feel my muscles tense and relax of their own volition. I cease to care what else is going on, I simply feel. Over and over he strikes, the stinging increases as the areas get hit before the sensations lift from the previous fall. Then, suddenly, there is silence again. I hear him ask me if I am ok. I nod my head, not wanting to speak. I feel his hand running all over my back, feeling it. He asks "Are you sure?" I weakly reply "Yes," then add a smile as I look into his eyes, he smils back. I close my eyes once again as I feal the soft leather he started with. He uses much more force this time, letting the strands of suede land hard on my back, with the same cool air rush I feel between each fall. He makes sure every part of my back has had it's fair share before light running the leather across my sensitive skin. I know he is done. I let a sigh of pleasure escape my lips as I feel him close next to me, putting his arms around me. I feel the love and comfort he offers so freely, and I hug him back. I look into his eyes and smile. Though I felt a little disappointed as I had mentally prepared for something entirely different, I was satisfied. I had not expected it to be so relaxing, so enjoyable, with so little pain. I wanted more, then he told me he stopped because he was afraid that if he kept going, that I would bruise, and then I understood. This was why I trusted him, how I knew he would not harm me. I knew I was safe, and very content snuggled in his arms......and eagerly awaiting the next time.
Currently
listening
:
Spectators
By
Wolfsheim
Release date: 12 June, 2001
OK…I am pissed….why you ask….imagine this:
Current mood: pissed off
I break up with a long term relationship because I finally realize I am no longer in love with the individual, that I haven’t been in love with him for the last 8.5 years, and despite finding a new love for him, he still can’t see what he does have and wants me back in his life as a second romantic partner, thinking that therapy can solve the whole issue.I repeatedly asked him throughout the last 8.5 years to go to therapy, to which he never seemed to be able to find the time.Of course now he says that had he known I was not in love with him, that he would have found the time to go to therapy with me.Therapy helps for some situations, but it will not bring non-existent love back into a relationship.It might have helped end the relationship sooner by making true feelings known, but cannot create something that does not exist.Now I come to find out he is trying to implicate TW as the cause of our breakup, a significant reason…this is far from the truth as this blog will show….if anything TW helped to keep us together longer, pushing his own feelings aside in the process.Sigh….I guess I should really start at the beginning…I am just fuming right now.
In 1991 I became friends with am man named J in college.Later the same year I met E.E and I became boyfriend and girlfriend.We had a couple of breakups, but would get back together.During the breakups, J and I would get together romantically.E and I decided in 1994 to try to be a Polyamorous triad with J.E and J did not get along, and E became very jealous and co-dependent.Ultimately, E gave me an ultimatum and my policy in my life dictates that you never choose the option posed by the one giving the ultimatum, so I went with J.J and I decided to get married, I got pregnant, and then one month before the wedding, he became abusive, so I left, never to see him again.3 months later, E came by with some stuff of mine, and we decided to try to be in a relationship again.Both of us harbored resentments over what happened with J.This caused a great rift in our ability to be intimate.At one point, E and I did not share intimacy for 2-2.5 years.Even though we had this contention between us, we decided to be handfast in July 1997.I was hoping that the handfasting would bring us closer…it did not.In 1998, E and I decided to try to have another child.I literally forced myself into trying to enjoy the intimacy by thinking of the child we were hoping for.Once again, I thought if he had his own child, and not only J’s to look after, that it might also bring us closer, and help out with some health issues I had been having.E also had issues pertaing to moving to an area that had a poor job market.I kept telling him to look at the job market for months before he moved up with me, but after he moved up, he decided to place the blame of not being able to find a job up there on me for asking him to move in with me.Moving along…. After our child was born, we continued to struggle financially, at one point E was on my AFDC case, and E ended up in a severe depression, spending much time on the net chatting with other women.It got to the point where our phone bills started going up, and because we had committed to being in a monogamous relationship at the time of our handfasting, it nearly broke up our relationship.Finally, my mom became tired of the situation and wanted to sell the house, so she moved me down to Los Angeles and kicked E out of the house.E lived in his car for a while before moving back to LA himself.We continued to have a relationship of sorts, but never seemed to be able to get back to the intimacy we shared before J.The kids and I moved into a home in the San Fernando Valley and became very ill.Our youngest nearly died.To make a long story short, the house had been contaminated with mold which was then covered up by the previous owners.We found this out and moved out 1 year after moving in.I moved to the beach and continued trying to have a meaningful relationship with E.I was in therapy and on anti depressants for a while, then just therapy.I repeatedly asked E to find time to go to therapy, asked him to go to a 12 step program, etc.There was always a reason he couldn’t.I wrote poetry which I shared with him, and vented to my friends about my frustrations.They always seemed to talk me out of leaving.In April of 2004, I met TW.We became very good friends and venting partners.I would vent to him when I was having problems with E, and he would vent to me when he had problems with C.We both would talk each other out of leaving.During this time E also became very controlling of telephone time.He insisted on speaking with me every couple of hours during the day, and if I was talking to someone else, I was expected to end that conversation regardless as to what I was talking with them about.There were times I was on the phone with my best friend who was in tears, and E would tell me I had to get off the phone with her in order to talk to him.There were even times he told me I had to call him back at a certain time of day, or the relationship would be over.I was really tempted to not call him back…
I am not going to repeat what I said in my last blog, so you can go read it, then come back here for the finale….LOL
E always seemed to have other things to do other than spend time with the kids and I.For a long time, E would come over and go on the computer or play video games.I would ask him to help with dishes so I could get dinner done, only to get an attitude like I was interrupting him doing something important.When E and R became involved with one another, and TW and I had formalized our bond, things only got worse.R would ask E to do something and E would joyfully do it, yet when I would ask the same of E, I would get a sneer and a cold shoulder.I got very tired of the double standard.E told me it was because I had lied to him.I always told E the truth as I saw it.The problem was that I was lying to myself about my own feelings.I tried to believe I was in love with him and wanted intimacy when I truthfully did not, only coming to the realization of this fact recently.Everything came to a head 2 weeks after E and I tried re-writing our vows to allow R to be E’s partner, and for TW and I to be secondary partners.E basically said I was lying when R and I stated his needs were just as important as his, and then the following day accused me of lying again.E gave me a look of pure hatred, anger, and animosity, in response, and as a result I can never again think about being intimate with him at all.In addition, E was trying to be very controlling of my partnership with TW.He had the audacity to ask how many times TW and I were sleeping with each other, so he had the same opportunity. Needless to say, I was miffed and asked if he wanted me to count orgasms too….
After we broke up, I decided to try to be friends with him for the sake of our children, but am even questioning that now.He keeps calling and asking to give it one more chance.I refuse to put myself in that place again…of trying to make something work when I know in my heart it never will.He has a new love, who is everything he has ever wanted (just not me), and he loves her, but refuses to let me go.E seems to think because of a blog on TW’s myspace, and a comment he posted to a friend, that all this was planned by TW.This is absurd.The relationship between E and I should have ended in 1994.I apologized for dragging it out thinking I was doing what was right.E has his flaws, and I have mine.We grew apart, tried to make it work and failed…end of story…or at least it should be.
Good has come out of our break up…E is spending much more quality time with the kids, time he used to spend on video games, the internet, sleeping, watching tv, or being upset I asked him to wash a few dishes.The kids are thrilled to have their dad spending much more time with them, and they like having a second mom.R loves the kids and is having a great time with them and with E.I am much happier now, my soul no longer feels conflicted.My blood pressure has dropped, and I am getting fewer headaches.I am finally able to be myself without constantly having to walk on eggshells or wonder what my significant other would say.I can get as many tattoo’s as I want and not worry if they are going to be too big, or too dark for my partner’s liking.I do not have to be tied to the phone, and I can come and go as I please. I have a great relationship with TW, that is both bonded, but not committed, able to enjoy each others company without the baggage which comes with a primary relationship.
I am so terrible at keeping a journal. LOL..well, I suppose I should update what has been going on in my life. Where to start....my last blog was last Thanksgiving...ugh.
OK, On Halloween a dear friend of mine, Teufel Wolf (TW), came to me on the dance floor of the now deceased Fang Club (sigh...but Malediction Society is great) and offered to be my donor without the sexual aspect. This was a suprise to me as I knew he wanted a sexual relationship also, and at the time, I could not give that to him. I was in a monogamous relationship and did not want to go against my vows to my partner.
I had tried to have my partner as a donor, but it turns out I was allergic to him. (yeah, I know, it sounds funny) TW and I established a very strong bond of friendship, and became an emotional support system for each other. After my partner found out I was allergic to him, he said he did not want me to have another donor, but did not expressly say I couldn't have one. (Not that he would be allowed to control my life). TW and I continued our friendship.
In January, a vampire house we were in collapsed due to internal power issues, to put it mildly. I created House Lamia Sectae and the House Lamia Sectae Yahoo Group as a place for the 350 members to go should they still want to be in a Vampire house after what transpired.
In April, one of the former members (Lady L) of the aforementioned house, decided she was going to message me, but since I was not home, she started talking to my partner. Lady L was apparently very depressed, and wanted to take down anyone she could. After telling my partner she was going to commit suicide, she ambiguously told him to watch out for TW and me. My partner then went through all my personal logs on yahoo and found all the times I had vented my frustrations. He also felt affronted by the fact that TW was my donor despite his saying he didn't want me to have a donor other than him. At this time, he forbade me from having TW as a donor. This lasted for 2 weeks with all my health issues coming back fervently.
Also during April, my partner started a relationship with TW's then current GF. Hehehe...the plot thickens. I think this all would make a great movie. I encouraged them to get together. They fell head over heels in love with one another to the point She broke up with TW.
Over the next few weeks, we all decided to change the status of our relationships from monogamous to polyamourous. My partner, his GF and I were to be primary partners, with TW as my secondary partner. The ban on TW being my donor was lifted. On May 29th, we formalized our new relationships.
TW and I formalizing our relationship.
TW and I getting ready to give a token part of our lives to each other in a glass of mead.
I also received my 3rd degree ordination as a priestess of Gaian Church, and my house was given 501 (c) (3) status as and educational department of the church. YAY!
After about 2 weeks, my partner became very jealous and controlling. He began asking me to count how many times I was having sex, so he could have sex the same number of times....sigh, I asked him if he wanted me to count orgasms too.....LOL....yeah....he said what I asked was a little extreme.....ROTFL. As a result of the increased negativity towards me, I decided to end that relationship. I deserve more than to have my every move criticized. He has since apologized for his behavior, but "I'm sorry" doesn't always make it all better. I no longer want the option of that happening again. I wish for him all the happiness in the world, and wish this did not have to be so painful for him, on the same note, I need to take care of myself.
So, that brings us to 4 weeks ago. Wow...the last 4 weeks have been amazing. Life is great. TW and I are doing wonderful. I am actually enjoying myself (and TW) sexually....wink....having lots of fun being out of a long term relationship. I have no regrets, and my sould no longer feels conflicted. TW and I are exploring being magickal partners, and finding we work well in that capacity together.
TW is so wonderful, we have many of the same interests, and seem to be on the same page empathically. We like doing stuff for each other. I am truly happy right now. I owe much to TW for sticking by me and helping me to get to this point in my life.
I left out quite a bit, but...heheh....need to leave some things to the imagination.....
Lady Lilith Dreams
Currently
listening
:
Heartbeat of the Earth
By
Inkubus Sukkubus
Release date: 24 February, 2004
okay
happy
annoyed
contemplative
accomplished
ecstatic
artistic
thoughtful
pissed off
