your smile.. can feel your touch..hear your laughter.. taste your kisses...the warmth of your skin against mine..visions of a thunderstorm.. the deep blue and gray color of the clouds..so very heavy.. full to bursting.. tension...building.. over time.. over oceans...the electricity in the air... crackling with life..a spark... ignited....you're there...walking toward me... as you draw closer i can see the fire in your eyes..my own eyes ablaze..a pale green fire..closer still.. your arms outstretched ..wrapping around me.. drawing me into you...our lips mashing together..devouring....a flash of lightning..a sudden downpour....our bodies pressed tightly to one another..electric..the heat between us...hands frantic...traveling over each other..pausing a moment to gaze into each other's eyes..kindred spirits.. twin souls reflecting back upon each other..our bodies melting together...the rain drenching us...your hands cupping my face..such raw lust, such love, such power..the very air around us is alight with it...
and then i realize tis just a dream...i sit and think for a moment on this dream..a slow smile spreading across my lips as i wonder if just once.. a dream can become reality....
What in the world is happening? What in the world could this be? I'm on the verge of an awakening A new kind of strength for me
I feel a force I've never felt before I don't want to fight it anymore Feelings so strong can't be ignored I burst out - I'm transformed
Rising up, shaking it off The yesterday dreary Graceful and strong, No more forlorn Today's a jubilee Don't be surprised This change is my design
I feel a force I've never felt before I don't want to fight it anymore Feelings so strong can't be ignored I burst out - I'm transformed
I feel a force I've never felt before I can't hold it down I've just got to soar And laugh in the face that is vulture law I burst out, I'm transformed
I feel a force I've never felt before I don't want to fight it anymore Feelings so strong can't be ignored I burst out - I'm transformed
I feel a force I've never felt before I can't hold it down I've just got to soar And laugh in the face that is vulture law I burst out - I'm transformed I burst right out - Into a swan I burst out into a swan
i saw this in one of my myspace groups and it rang so true to me i thought i'd repost it here as a reminder to myself and to all the amazing women i know....
IMAGINE A WOMAN --------------------------
Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman. A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Imagine a woman who believes she is good. A woman who trusts and respects herself. Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.
Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present. A woman who has walked through her past. Who has healed into the present.
Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who exerts, initiates and moves on her own behalf. Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and her wisest voice.
Imagine a woman in love with her own body. A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is. Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.
Imagine a woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use precious energy disguising the changes in her body and life.
Imagine a woman who values the women in her life. A woman who sits in circles of women. Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.
another random act of kindness directed at me..
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
as some of you know this has been a bit of a roller coaster couple of weeks..stress levels high and just sort of a chaotic time altogether..so today was especially stressfull and even more chaotic than usual and it being the day before i get paid, well..finances were a bit.. well... snug...and gas prices being what they are..
so here i am this morning gathering the last of my cash to put into my gas tank to get me to work and then home.. all the while knowing that it was barely enough to get me there and home, barring any bad traffic etc..i knew i had a teeny bit left in my bank account but was trying not to tap into that unless absolutely neccesary.. so i'm on my way home from work tonight and due to some truly chaotic weather, (rainstorms, lightning, hail, tornados, yes there were actually funnel clouds and tornados in southern california)traffic on the way home was far heavier than usual.. ok.. it was a right frigging mess..lol and so as i'm sitting in traffic i'm watching my gas gauge go lower and lower.. so i decide to stop about halfway home to see if i could maybe put 5 bucks into my tank just to ensure i got the rest of the way home safely..
i'm inside the gas station and using my atm card to put those last few bucks into my gas tank..and i'm chatting with the lady behind the counter while i'm stressed that maybe my card won't work or some other disaster could happen and i'd be stuck halfway home..the guy behind me in line joins in the convo and sympathizes with the whole "day before pay day and i'm stretching every dollar as far as i can" vibe..so the lady tells me yes the card went through for the 5 bucks i asked for and i was all relieved saying" yes! i get to go home" (this is after a two hour drive that should normally take about 30 minutes).. i then go out to pump my gas just grateful that i'll have just enough to get me home and i can fill up in the morning..
as i'm pumping my gas, the guy who was in line behind me comes out and says to me.."oh when you're done pumping the gas, replace the nozzle and pull it again.. i gave the lady another 5 bucks to put in your tank"... i was a bit shocked..all i said was.. wow thank you.. over and over..i felt like running over and hugging him but since he was a total stranger and all.. but now i'm thinking i probably should have..lol so yeah just goes to show how when you think things are about to go disastrous, someone shows you that it's all going to be ok by doing something as simple as what this gentleman did for me..i know he'll probably never read this blog, but i hope somehow he knows that i will never forget his small act of kindness and what it meant to me.. he was a blessing .. i can only hope that somehow some way i am lucky enough to be a blessing to someone else in the world...
i can feel the difference...
Current mood: blessed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
lately i've had a few of my friends comment to me about how much weight i've lost and how i look..to be honest sometimes it's hard for me to tell because i see myself every day though i notice a difference in my clothing..earlier today i was talking to a friend online and i was explaining to him a bit about what Cushing's Disease is and how i looked when i was really sick and how i look now in comparison..i showed him photos of when i was at my sickest and compared to photos of me now... and to my own surprise i actually was able to take an objective look at my photos (not the way i usually am when i see a photo of myself and have to tear it to shreds mentally and verbally) and i really did notice a difference in how i look..how much my face has changed.. i look a lot closer to how i looked before i got sick..i don't feel like a "monster" anymore..that sounds kind of harsh but when i see pictures of how swollen my face was it reminds me of when i would look in the mirror and just sit and cry because the face in the mirror was not one i recognized as my own and in the midst of all the medical testing and poking and prodding etc etc. and not getting any answers, well i felt extremely helpless and frightened and nothing like the "Kelli" i knew..not a good feeling when you feel like you're doing the "right" things (ie. eating healthy and small portions and exercising like a fiend) and yet your body still betrays you... what also probably didn't help was being in an abusive relationship all my issues with self esteem were magnified a thousand times and i'm certain the stress levels of being in that situation definitely contributed to the worst of my symptoms..stress equals too much cortisol production and in my case, too much cortisol equals sickness and if sustained at such high levels, eventually severe illness, possible organ failure and death..and it's been since i've been out of that relationship that i've noticed such a dramatic change in how i look and feel.. it's strange now too because sadly i think i got used to seeing myself as i was when i was sick..i mean i was at the worst of my illness for about 4 years so you sort of get used to looking or feeling a certain way..so when i see a photo of myself now (and i've been taking a lot of new photos lately which is new for me after being terrified of cameras for so long) it surprises me that i don't automatically blanche and make a yuck face when i see the photos... i am fortunate now to have people in my life who genuinely seem to think i'm beautiful..and though i may not always agree with what they say.. at th very least i am definitely not as hard on myself as i once was..so thank you to those who are there for me for allowing me to see the beauty within and without.. you know who you are.... i can definitely feel the difference...
Have you ever chosen to ignore the warning sign Give the benefit of doubt, just to ease your mind Have you ever turned your head, when someone's doing someone wrong Everyday's a new surprise
Ono, ono, some things remain the same Some people never change, ono
Have you ever been the victim, lying to protect someone And what they do to you, you know is wrong Have you ever known someone, who controls with bribes and tears everyday's a new surprise
Ono, ono, some things remain the same Some people never change, ono
Have you ever known someone who builds you up to let you down Sincere apologies, sugar-coated promises And as usual, it's everybody else's fault, ono
Ono, ono, some things remain the same Some people never change, ono
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on guardian angels..
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
was doing a bit of thinking over past few days on who in my life has seemed like my guardian angels..i have spoken many times on how grateful i am for the wonderful friends and family and women in my circle i have around me and how lucky i am to count them in my life and how much richer a person i am for having them around me... two other people came to mind as i was thinking on it...those two are dr. w and his wife. those who know me know that dr w. is the one to have done the 4 corrective surgeries on my sinuses to undo the damage from prior surgery by another doctor, and while that doctor had done almost irreversible damage, dr w. has been there to improve the issues as best as possible to restore my breathing and my quality of life (meaning not getting sinus infections every 3 weeks) to as normal as is possible as well as giving me tools and ideas to manage my sinus problems. but this is a doctor who has gone well above and beyond the call of duty in patient care...we are forever hearing horror stories about bad medical care and horrible doctors ( i have more than a few hair raising tales myself) so it pleases me to be able to tell of a doctor who not only has literally saved my life( the first surgery he did cleaned out so much infection that even the nurses were questioning how the hell i walked around like that and didn't die from meningitis) but has always been there for me, even showing up at his office in the wee hours of the night when i was broke and my pharmacy closed to ensure i had the medicine and care i needed.. and now when once again i am not in best financial shape and have no medical insurance, they still continue to take care of me.. free of charge.. and he always listens to me and never makes me or any of his patients feel rushed during appointments, in fact the day after my first surgery he spent a fulll hour with me showing me a normal ct scan vs my own ct scan and pointing out the differences and taking me frame by frame to show me all that he did to clear out my sinuses and help to heal them... in this day and age of stories of greedy or inept doctors and corrupt health insurance, he and his are truly my guardian angels..so i wanted to make note of these two exceptional people on my life and once again to give thanks for them as they are part of the many blessings i am fortunate to count in my life...
hopeful
contemplative
blessed
bouncy
grateful