Uncertainty disappates.
Current mood: optimistic

I have three online journals that I use regularly. The first one is my "sarcastic bitch journal" which is usually used in the mornings after I've had my morning cup of double-strengthed coffee. The second one is my "random ponderings journal" that I use in the middle of the night when I'm in no condition to sleep. Then there's this one, the "bothered head journal" where I spout off the dark thoughts that are festering in my psyche.
And tonight is one of those nights when I'm feeling a festering in my head.

Well, there has been some festering in my lower abdominal area that was concerning me for the past week. Actually, I was pretty scared about it. So, I put that insurance to good use and spent thirty dollars to be diagnosed and treated for a vaginal infection. I love insurance. XD
I'm immensely relieved to know that it wasn't anything serious. Faith in my cautiousness and good judgement has been restored.
But my doctor did check for chlamydia and gonorrhea because we all agreed it's good to get such things out of the way. She doubts they'll come back positive, and I like my doctor, so I agree with her.

But this medication has left me feeling queezy and with a metallic taste in my mouth that neither smoking nor coffee can dispel. Ick.

I went downtown tonight, because I wanted to get out of the house for some coffee, and realized my favorite coffee house got a liquor license. Crankies was still open, despite the late night, and they were kind, they let me in, and I got my coffee. At the time I was feeling very out of place, perhaps because it was a Wednesday night. I did sit and talk with a few strangers who were kind and that motivates me to go back.
I will say, I have the ability to associate and connect with just about anyone. Starting a conversation has become a natural talent and charm is something I have plenty of. One simple statement, spoken at the right time and with the proper meaning, is enough to engage me in any conversation. I can be liked by so many people and they only have to know me for five minutes. I suppose that's because I have no expectations from any individual, and so an immediate positive interaction is enough for me to think kindly towards them.
Despite that, I realize just how lonely I am. I see people with friends whom they've had for years, people who are in such passionate relationships, and those who have such exclusive connections with impressive people, and I think to myself, "Could I have that too?"
I ask myself that because I've never had the oppertunity to have such things. I've never lived in one place for longer than five years in my entire life. I get the raw end of the deal when it comes to relationships. Being well connected is something that takes immense amounts of time and ambition, which is something I lack.
I do tire of feeling out of place and out of time. Sure, there's work. I connect with so many people at work, and not just my fellow partners. While I was there I was stopped by two regulars, both of which I can have delightful conversations with. Unfortunately, those people know me only as the persona I take on during work. They've never seen me outside of that environment. I don't want work to become all of what I am, because I fear I would devolve into a very flat and unexicting individual (much like the boss lady).

Getting my license has opened oppertunities for me to socialize elsewhere, and I like that. If only I were more knowledgeable of what goes on in this city past 9 o'clock.
I suppose such things take time.
I seclude myself more than I should, honestly.

Now that I have gotten this out of my head, I am feeling loads better. My heads been a little under the weather lately, that's all. I'm not depressed. If I were, I wouldn't have the strength to do my job, and I wouldn't have the motivation to progress. But I do have those things. Sort of. I can improve.
I really need to get on that whole room cleaning thing. My clutter has gone out of control, completely. So I'll have to write out a seven day plan to get that out of the way. Once everything is in order, the chaos in my head has a place to go and I can actually get shit done.
I love how metaphysical truths work their way into my mundane existance. It gives me something to believe in. =)

After that realization, I was given a feeling of simple peace, and someone just told me everything's going to be alright.
Well, I thank you. I'm glad you're willing to tell me that every once in a while when I'm open to hear it.

9:57 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

All of you are fucking insane. Just to let you know.
Current mood: peaceful, introspective, empathetic

I really do get sick of people who are just miserable, who live miserable lives, who do nothing about it, just miserable fucking people, and still think they deserve something. They think they deserve to live a happy life, to be with someone who will love them for all eternity, for everything to go right and happy, and yet they don't do jack and shit for themselves.

Yeah, I'm spouting off a lot of ranting. I do that a lot on this blog. This is the insightful rant blog, ladies and gentlemen, only used on those night on pre-menstrual induced insomnia when my ovaries are in a vice and I keep crying on the inside. 
No, I'm not crying because my ovaries feel like they're going to explode... that sort of pain is tolerable... physical pain is so easy to tolerate nowadays. 
Oh boy, the pain subsides a bit just now. That's pleasant. =D

I just feel like crying for other people because they are just so God-damned pathetic. I can just walk into a public place and immediately I feel the intimidation all around me. People freeze. And I'm thinking, "Why? I'm feeling so happy right now, nothing is wrong with my life, and so why do you put up a shield as if I'm about to attack you?"
People are just afraid. I see it every where. Fear is just the most prevalent emotion felt by the human race. It's everywhere. You see it all the time, but it's usually covered up by rudeness, egoism, violence, spitefulness, jealousy, that sort of thing. But all of those actions are just defences for an underlying fear that people will not bear to expose.
And I don't know why. People just reserve themselves out of fear, whatever it is. I was noticing this at the Gallery Hop, all the spectators. I felt puzzlement, a bit of surprise, and a few who felt a bit of... emptyness. At the time, I was feeling a lot. I must have been dancing for... eh, I forget, I lost track. I'd say about twenty minutes, maybe longer, but I just felt pumped up! I was charged, I felt light, for the first time in a while. I can do anything! I can be anything!
People wish for that. They wish to feel, and be, something otherworldly. It's not hard. You just have to jump in, let yourself go.... let your soul just guide you. This applies to just about every adventure in life. It's not like your soul is going to steer you in the wrong direction. You won't hurt yourself.
Don't think,  just do. Just be. That's about the only way I can explain it.
But the world is composed of mainly spectators. They won't ever know what it's like to be happy, and it's all because they have fear.
That's why I feel like crying.

12:57 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

shit, shit, and uh, more shit. that's what this entry's made of.
Current mood: drained

piss, shit, fuck, god-damn, son of a bitch, holy hell, and other such explicitives.
*sigh* as you can see, I'm just downright pissed.
and a little confused,
and completely frustrated,
and I'm sensing some sadness.
but for the most part, it's just pissiness.

I'm really tired of being around these people who are just acting like pathetic heart-broken little fucks, can't get their shit straight, can't figure why they're so fucking miserable, can't just be happy.
it's not hard.
there's no miracle to being happy.
why the fuck do all of you have a problem with it? huh?
am I the only person on this ball of filth who just knows how to make it all work?
yes, everything you see before you is shit.
I'm happy. I'm happy with myself, I'm happy with where I am in life, I'm happy with the unlimited potential I seem to possess.

I guess I should just go into why I'm so pissed off. the above was simple a product of my frustration, and isn't the real cause of why I keep typing all this explicatives.
all I wanted was just to go out with Mike and get coffee. we'd sit, we'd chat, we'd socialize, and I even had the rare joy of hearing some good music over the radio! they were playing Cocteau Twins at Elliots. Holy shit, that just doesn't happen... anywhere. it was even a song of theirs I had never heard of. it was lovely.
but I can't recall me doing anything offensive, in any sense, unless you count not giving my full attention to someone. I learned long ago that no one is obligated to give you attention just because they are with you. you don't want to learn that shit the hard way, either. it gets bad.
I was sitting at the bar, and I just happened to be pulled into a conversation with a man, nice guy, he has a lot of good ideas. suddenly I was just pulled out of the bar by a telepathic lanyard because Mike didn't like the vibe in the place.
no, that's not why I'm pissed. he goes into how he's tired of the same old shit. it's a tad more complicated than that, but that's the gist. eh, stagnation's a bitch. I fear it like some plague. so I was genuinely sorry he felt that way and I felt a little guilty for wanting to go there with him. but I hadn't seem him in a while, I just wanted to sit, relax after work with someone's company I enjoy.
then he starts ranting about other shit, attacking me with questions like "why did you have to drag me in there?" "what do you think is so great about that place?" ...I didn't drag him in there. If he said no I would have suggested something else. and I like that place because I can't go to a Starbucks anymore and relax. Starbucks is work. and there's no other place to get good coffee at 11:30 at night.
and I feel like crying now because he's accusing me of doing something wrong, when I just wanted a pleasant evening before going to bed.
and then he starts getting into all this stuff about where I stand with him, and how he doesn't know how I feel and how I confuse him and how he's afraid he's going to scare me off and all this shit...
so I just told him straight out, I don't tell the people I love that I love them because they don't understand what the means. they don't understand how I can love someone just for existing and how I don't need them to be in my life every second. and if I were to tell them, "I love you," they'll start expecting shit from me.
there are people I tell this too, and it is because I know they won't depend on me to make them happy. it's not my job to make people happy. that's their job.
and Mike is expecting me to make it all right. when I'm not around, he sees no point in doing anything for himself. he does it all for me. and for what? my attention? to feel like he's worth something? to have me around because my presense is the only thing that everyone else doesn't have? and without that he feels like he is nothing?
I had to stop and think about this, and I realize, damn, many people would find that very flattering. but I can't feel happy about something like that. I can't feel happy about the fact that someone's "happiness" is dependant on me. no. bullshit. I want him to be happy with himself. he deserves it. he's capable of it. he has so much.
and he just keeps making up all these problems in his mind and trying to prove they're right. it's like he's trying to anticipate some sort of tragedy between him and me, when in reality, there's nothing wrong. technically, there never has been a him and me. is that a tragedy? eh, no.
eh, fuck. I'm just confused. I don't even know what I'm trying to get at.
fact of the matter is, there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. he has to help himself. I can't tell him how to fix his shit. no one could help me in my cases, and so I can't help him in his.
I'm just afraid. what if he never figures it out?
fuck this, I'm tired.

10:31 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mostly about work. Things are improving. =D
Current mood: contemplative

Things have been a tad rocky at work, but I have a very good feeling that things are going to come around. At least for me, anyway.
Instead of bitching about the fact that I am not getting enough hours, I decided to do something about it. I left a note on the managers desk, saying I "want to discuss my current work situation" and to "call me to schedule a good time to sit down."
Then I went to the Starbucks on the other side of town to see if they needed help. I'm glad I did, because I have an extra 2 shifts. The guy who was working there really appretiated me taking those hours off his hands.
He thought I was hot. I know it. X3

I'm just too flirtatious for my own damn good.
I can't say all this... action... I'm partaking in is all that bad. If I keep it up, by the time the spring comes around, I'll be able to show off some really toned thigh muscles in those cute miniskirts.
Hell yeah.
I'm itchin' for spring.
That's probably when I'm most creative, most intune with nature.

Back to work. I decided I'm not going to get into my concerns over the store with the manager. I have to pick my battles, and that one's a tough battle. It's not likely I'll win it either. It just looks like I could seriously hurt my current work status if I try to tackle that one.
The customers have been complaining. We've been encouraging the customers to call up the district manager to complain all the changes our new manager has made.
It's funny, actually.
But honestly, it breaks my heart to see things change so much. Some of our regulars don't come in as much, don't stick around as long, and some have just quit coming all together. The quality of our service and our drinks has dropped. She's trying to get rid of all discounts and customer relations.
Well, like I said, this is going to sort itself out, without my help.
In the mean time, I'll go find hours at other stores. Who knows? If I like another store more, I'll transfer.
It would make me sad, because I actually know a lot of the customers at my store. Leaving that store would be like leaving family. I really, really don't want to do that.
It's not just about money, or insurance. I actually give a shit about the people I'm serving. They help make the store what it is. They make me feel like I'm doing something worth while. And I make them feel at home.
It's one of the few places I know where there's a sense of curtosey and humanity left.
That's sounds kind of intense, but it's the truth.

Man, I'm horny as fuck. >.< As a certain ex-boyfriend would say.

1:11 PM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Entry in a nutshell: I'm not dead.
Current mood: hormone-induced pissiness is poking through.

Just posting... because I need to give an update on my life. I'll just start with current stuff and work backwards.
I put in a good days work in, so I think I'm going to call up Mike and we can get high. Then go downtown to Elliot's. I think people if I keep this up, people are going to consider me to be a pot head.
I swear I'm not. =D I just like to toke up when I don't have to go into work in the morning. And when I'm feeling good about myself. And I've already eaten. The last bit is because I don't have a lot of money right now and it's more than likely that if I go out, get high, and get some bad munchies, I'll rack up a big bill at The Olive Garden.
I've done it before.
And it was damn good.

I didn't do anything but eat and watch Star Trek yesterday. Menstrual cramps kill me. But all that food has made me feel pretty good. So I went to work with a smile on my face.

I went downtown on Valentine's to see A Velvet Glove, some local music group. Very burlesque, cabaret. Some of those chicks were pretty hot. It was a fun show. And it was free. Hell yeah. I'm keeping an eye out on them.

I plan on seriously getting back into art. I need to call up my district manager and talk about putting up some art in the store.
The other night I had this inspirational thought pop up into my head, "Let today's blessings inspire you, and your creations will enrich your life." So I scrawled that on a piece of poster board with pastels and it's now taped above my bed. I actually want to take this saying to heart.
I just need to do something else besides work. There's a lot of tension. I think my manager is unhinged, in the bad sort of way. Like, up-tight-control-nazi-perfectionist unhinged. It's a little scary.
I miss my old manager. He wasn't so stringent about rules.

Johnathan and I went to see Final Destination 3 on Friday. It was an interesting movie. Suspenseful.
Johnathan was squirming so bad, like woah. XD
Dude, we should have played some DDR that night. I don't have enough DDR partners anymore. Peoples don't like me anymore.

I got my tattoo on Thursday, and that was quite an adventure. It's almost completely healed. It itches like a mother fucker. If I had a sweet little digital camera, I'd take a picture.
But I don't.
I spent the money on a tattoo.
And all the other money I'm making is going toward a car.
So a camera will have to wait.

Speaking of money, I've been working so little as of lately, and it's pissing me off. Sales are always down after Christmas, so the manager has had to cut back hours... but if I don't work an average of 20 hours a week, I can't keep my insurance. And... my dad's won't cover me after the end of this month because I'm not a student.
So... I'm a little pissed.
So I urge all of you to run your asses to Starbucks and buy some god damn coffee. My insurance is at stake.

Okay, resume your usual web-surfing. I'm done here.

Currently listening : Boo Hoo By Voltaire Release date: 14 May, 2002

1:21 PM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm an animal! *whoop whoop*
Current mood: calm

Went downtown last night and I can honestly say that it was just what I needed.
I saw all these people,
and I talked to people,
and I danced like a fucking maniac.
One of the best things about gallery hop is the drum circle. I know the person who organizes it, and teaches classes. But they let anyone participate.
What really bothers me is how people just want to watch. The majority of society is composed of spectators. It's not that they are afraid of making asses of themselves; they can't even conceive the idea of participating.
But those drums just reverberate through everything. You become in tune with it. And the feeling just expands. You have people who were once spectators actually joining in on it.
But it just builds up and up and up and ends with a single thud. For a second it resonates and it's the queerest silence you've ever come across. And then everyone's whooping and hollaring and clapping.
It's crazy good fun.

8:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Don't read this, I'm being exceptionally angst-ridden.
Current mood: aggravated

I haven't been writing in my journal/planner/thing lately. I think this is due to the fact that I only like to write nice things in that journal. Things that make me happy, things that make me feel accomplished, that sort of thing. Writing very negative things in there would make me feel like I've somehow tainted it.
So I think I need another journal. Need to write about everything that is upsetting, angering, pitiful, depressing, and all those other negative emotions I don't care to feel. That way I don't keep such things bottled up.
And I'll just make the whole goddamned thing black. Black cover, black pages, it will say "black" on the cover... hell, maybe I'll even write in it with a black sharpie just so that way I won't be able to read the words.

I miss "Mask." I really want that album again. I lost it last summer due to my own foolishness, and I liked it so much that I really want to hear that music again.
I'll just steal one of my brother's CDs and burn the music. The copy I had was a reissue that had a whole bunch of tracks that were just added on and not part of the true album, and I don't care to listen to them. It doesn't follow the whole mood of the original album.
"Man With the X-Ray Eyes" is how I'm feeling right now.

Currently listening : Annwyn Beneath the Waves By Faith & Muse Release date: 22 May, 2001

8:50 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Coffee, cloves, and nostalgia, oh my!
Current mood: accomplished

Alright, since I'm in a very good mood right now, and I have some time to kill, I think I'd like to write a nice long blog entry. I haven't done that in quite a while, the biggest reason being I haven't been doing much of anything and I just haven't been in the right mood to talk about how I am.

For the past week or so I really have been secluded. I believe it was because my mind has been playing some tricks on me, thus keeping me from calling people up or associating with anyone in public outside of work. Eventually the monotony of getting up, going to work, coming home, and attempting to keep myself busy until sleepy time was really starting to make me edgy.
I was so happy to see Sean last night.
I was so happy to see Kaleph tonight.
I am so happy that I'll be seeing Voltaire Thursday night.
And the prospect of potentially seeing other people adds to the happiness, which brings it to the level of fucking estatic.

I've been thinking about dabbling in my writing some more. It's a rare occurance, and the urge to write really comes and goes. But when it comes, I can feel it. It's a specific sort of bubbling sensation. It's the sensation of having a big ass iron pot inside your head that's sitting over a fire. Eventually it boils over, and I just manically write all this stuff down. It's not even good stuff but I like the unique mental stimulation it brings. But eventually the stuff that boils over extinguishes the flames and my passion to write sort of fizzles out. Which is fine, that's just how I work. It takes a while for the fire to get hot again, but that's alright, because I know it always comes back. After a writing spell is over and done with, I know I won't write anything for a long time, but that doesn't matter. As long as it comes back around.

It's 3:00 in the morning, and I'm still wearing my boots. I'm also wearing this old top that I've had for about five years. I added lacing in the back of this old, faded, grungy thing. I didn't have eyelets, and I really didn't feel like touching the sewing machine (it's having an additude with me, the little bitch) so I just strategically placed (*giggle*) safety pins down the back where eyelets should go and laced some worthless twill tape through them. Not exactly elegant, honestly.
But I always thought of this as a strange top, partially because of where and when I bought it (Sears). I have trouble remembering exactly why I bought this top too, which adds to the strangeness. But I think back... and I remember a lot of confusion during that time.
I had to sit here for five minutes and think back to my art class in eighth grade. I was taking art at the highschool. I loved the class. I hated my artwork. I still have all of that mess too. I hated my artwork because I just couldn't get out what I was thinking. I didn't know how. Do you know the sensation where you can't put your feelings into words and you get angry to the point of tears because you are just so compelled to say it? Okay, now, amplify it a thousand times.
I call this inability to create what I feel "clogged." I still feel it on occasion, and when I do I just begin to doubt the integrity of any of my thoughts. I begin to doubt my sense of reasoning, my sense of purpose, my standards and ideals and the worst, what it is I'm feeling.
Back to the shirt. I bought it because I genuinely thought it looked neat. The cut and style just complimented my figure, and it has these two vertical zippers in the front on each side, that serve no functional purpose, other than to look neat.
So I wore it, among a wardrobe of very bland pants and t-shirts.
My school day started out with me getting off the bus at the highschool to take my art class. I had some difficulty becoming aquianted with people because of the age difference and the fact that middle had pulled me out of my childhood and turned me into a bit of a recluse (that's another quaint story). I have always been a genuinely friendly person, willing to talk to people, but no one ever wanting to listen to what I have to say. That's the way it's always been with me and many people. I thought that was how everyone was.
Nah, I just wasn't talking to the right people. Understandably so, at the time I was living in a very rural area, full of very narrow-minded people. Not bad people, just unable to think outside the box.
A few days into the course some person showed up in the classroom and started working. It looked like an adult, but why was it sitting with the rest of us students? It's a student? It isn't dressed like the other students. I wonder where you can get clothes like that?
I just sat and noticed little things this new person each day. I found out "it" was actually a "she." That was probably the first thing that truly got me interested in her, was her androgeny. She could be both genders, neither genders, one or the other. Then I noticed how tastefully she pulled it off. There was an eerie timelessness about it, like looking at the scene of a disaster after things have been cleaned up and polished. No one wanted to talk about it, but whenever we passed by we couldn't help but glance at it for longer than we should and ponder and fantasize over what terrible thing had happened.
It was when she began using her hands, did I want to know her. Every day I watched how a sculpture took shape, her actual thought taking form, even reflecting her personality. The reflection drove my curiousity over the edge. She was charming, and polite, and pleasant, yet this sculpture signified abandonment, abuse, terror, yet a yearning for hope.
For those of you who watch an artist work, you know what I'm talking about. You not only see the finished product, but you actually witness the birthing of this creation. You see the thought unfold through the artists hands.
The entire phenomenon was enough to make me cry.
So, one day, I went up to the table she was working with, along with a few others, smiled and said, "Good morning, may I sit here?"
The two of us never turned out to be close friends, but I was able to get to know her. She wanted to talk to me. I wasn't used to such attention, but it was one of the first times where someone I barely knew had an initial interest in me.
Eventually I became more confident in many things. This is where the shirt comes in. If I hadn't had the confidence to find this shirt unique, I never would have bought it, nor worn it. Also, I never would have heard her say, "Is that a new shirt? I like it."
It's probably the only automatic complement I've received for this plain top. I have many more interesting articles of clothing in my wardrobe, but I keep holding onto this shirt. It signifies so much more than that new corset, or those vinyl pants. It signifies my potential as an artist. It signifies the beginning of an awareness of myself, and my identity, and what I put out to other people. And because of all this, I wanted to be very much like her. I wanted to not hold myself back when it came to how I felt. I wanted to express my feelings with a similar intensity, and I wanted to partake in things created by those who think in much the same way.
Yes, those small things do have an effect on people. If it didn't, I still wouldn't have this shirt. I more than likely wouldn't own three Cure albums either. Nor would I have such a passion add a little bit of artistic innovation to some part of my life everyday.
... I think I'm going to wear this top to the concert on Thursday.

11:53 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

What is that smell?
Current mood: blah

I was sort of hoping I would go out tonight, but no such luck. Oh well, another time, another night.
I got myself all prettied up, too.
How am I right now? What has been going on?
I've been spending more time at home. There's a lot of stuff to do around here. Ever so often I have to cook dinner. I have countless projects to work on....
I cleaned my bathroom yesterday. It's the cleanest it's ever been.

I'm feeling the need to get out of town again. Nothing is going on. Honestly. I'm writing in here because I'm bored and can't think of anything else to do.
I was on Quizilla earlier. I mostly go on there and tell everyone how pathetic they are. It's really funny because 1) it's true and 2) I get such a wonderful reaction from them.
Maybe I'll go do more of that.

10:51 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Why did three words have to ruin my smug disposition?
Current mood: contemplative

Oh yes, I must talk about yesterday. I actually had the chance to spend some time with Kaleph. Yes, quality time. Good quality time.
God damn.
He's good company, wonderful conversationalist, passionate lover and I have a feeling that there's a lot more good qualities about him that I have yet to discover.
And he's into S&M. What is it with Virgos and kinky sick fetish shit? And why do I continously become attracted to them?
(A little bit of history on me: I dated three Virgos while I was in school, the last of which who really wanted me to be his sex slave. At the time, I couldn't go for it, because as his girlfriend I really didn't want the idea of me being a controllable object stuck in his chemically imbalanced fucked up mind)
But yes, we kept ourselves busy, entertained, and I went to work in a good mood and feeling quite smug with myself.
And the Voltaire show is now a definate. It's all very exciting.

Since I'm on the subject of males, I'll take this time to talk about Mike.
Here's the thoughts that went through my mind as I was walking down the driveway:
"Shit, god damnit, he just had to say it, didn't he? What is he getting at? What is he trying to accomplish? And why did he have to have such a sad look on his face when he said it?"
I just really can't stand the thought of using the word "love" at this point right now. I feel uncomfortable with just using the words "I" and "you" in a sentence ("I" being subject and "you" being direct object, of course). The only people I say "I love you" to is my parents, and that's completely understandable.
But for someone like Mike... I can't tell him that. The word "love" just seems to solidify something in my mind, and it just makes it so much harder to.... do anything.
Was he expecting me to say the same thing back like people always do? Does he really think I'm so cliche? Hasn't he figured out by now that I'm far too complicated to not choose my words correctly? Does he even realize how selfish it is to expect me to say "I love you" in return?
Again, I expect such things from a teenager.
This is sad.
I've pretty much told myself that the word "love" is only to be involved in long-term relationships, where I know I'm going to be with someone for a very, very, very long time. And I in no rush whatsoever to settle with someone out of conveinance or dependancy or habit. It would be an insult against myself. These are standards I live by. When I say "this is my partner, and I love them with all my heart," I want to fucking mean it. I want every ounce of myself to reverberate with the solid fact that I can love them with all the power in my being and know that nothing in this world can change it. It has to be an unwavering truth. There can be no trace of doubt. And I have such a high expectation because every time there was a slightest bit of doubt, in the end I ended up foolishly hurting myself.
This is why, when he said, "I love you," I simply replied, "I know."

8:30 AM - 7 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment