[Concerning my last shoot]The day after...

I have a problem uploading pics on my blog I will just try to be quick, this shoot is the older one who is growing inside me...but I just wanna say this and don't wanna tell you my life but...


But any of you...son or daughter of an alcoholic father or mother...don't feel guilty...don't hide it and don't be ashame of it..

or it's gonna kill you, it's gonna eat you days by days, from your 5th birthday to your 22th, it's never gonna be better, if you start by swallowing this mess, try to fix this mess, it will eat you forever

it's not to children to save their parents..it's not what a child is supposed to do


One of my parents is one of those kind of persons, everyone are in pain on this fucking planet the fact is that we should not have to pay for our parents mistakes

So the day after...after "his show" the day after...after "his words" the day after...after "his sentences"  the day after...after "his act"


Don't hide
don't feel guilty
and don't cry for it


if someone ask you in school what's happend, don't stupidly answer "nothing"

don't hide, don't keep that for you or it's gonna kill you, slowly and when you'll come to 22 yo

You'll already have to try to rebuild your life

and it's not fair

because at 22 years old  you should be burning your life, going party, meet friends, drink till you vomit in the toilet... just enjoying life

and not trying to rebuild yourself because of one of your parents mistakes and because the other wasn't courageous enought for ending it all...


this is not fair and don't locked yourself in it, because you'll grow with a too big pain to fix and when to this pain gonna fixed your own, you'll crawl


This blog not gonne stay longer...I guess I have a crazy moment of talking...I will delete it...delete it soon

and I don't need words and he never gonna see those pictures because I will never show them to him but the pain he cost, the mess he created I just can't forgive him...the pain he continue to send every day, the mess I had to handle again and again, it's not fair, i grow with my black-eyes, angry eyes mad at him, and now I just stop to love him

if he die tomorrow I don't care...

because him dead means that my problems are ending

and as a daughter it is horrible

as a daughter it's horrible to grow with those feeling

the feeling that if one of your parents comes to die : it's gonna solved your problems, it's hard to accept, it's hard to handle but I learned to accept it and I'm not ashamed of it because HE created this and HE made me feel this

but now I will drowned again into this lie

"How are you ?
...I'm fine"


You're suffocating but you're fine
You're bleeding but you're fine
You're crying but you're fine


Because people around you are counting on you for always be strong
Because people around you are down and so you don't have the right to be in need
Because you love and wanna protect the people around you


so I'm fine and I don't want of your help, i'm fine and i don't wanna be hold

even if my eyes are begging you to help me my heart will say no


because I grow like this, because one of my parents were always telling me before going to school


"Pretend like nothing happend"


so I will continue to pretend that I'm fine

and I will continue to pretend that I don't need your help



but I'm strong minded and I wanna be able to help me alone by myself

because I will never accept to be as weak as one of my parent and let me drowned without trying to breathe again


Stay in pain is easy

what is not

is trying to fix it




Edit : and I just don't wanna hide that what's make me...and what will make you hanging on and continue to fight for rebuild yourself is continue to believe in the one you loved


I'm in love and I'm smiling when I'm saying this

I'm in love and I'm happy when I think about it, it's a feeling who warm my heart, a feeling who made me continue to walk and give me strenght

I'm not gonna say his name

I'm not gonna say more

just talk about this feeling...talk about everything wonderful he brings to me everyday, he's an angel, he's my angel

He's more beautiful than you

he's sexier than you

he's smarter than you

he's more talented than you

he's funnier than you


it's not fair...but it's the truth and no one will never even succed to bring to me even 10% of what he brings to me everyday

and I'm continue to smile

this is how grow my love...in the mess


but I'm gonna fight for him
fight for this love because this man...
...this man fucking deserve it



and the day this man will finaly realise it...
this man will be able to breathe again


I love him

Life is hard but I'm lucky

because what I'm feeling right now...some of you never gonna feel it

and I'm lucky


just to have him in my life

4:17 PM - 10 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

SHOOT {’[(|Fade away|)]’}
Current mood: crushed

Welcome in September buuuudies !!

I was longing for September...I never loved so much July & August month...first of all because most of the time...the weather is too hot -_-' and second because I get more bored...not much inspiration...all of our fav' artists go to holidays so nooo new songs to hear or new albums to discover


Pity months concerning creativity our brain in holidays arf -_-'


Anyway !! here's come again Seeeeeptember  and on this first september day I open another hole in my lack of brainrest


(if someone got the secret clue for stop to think hum well something like 24/24 hour I waaant iiiiiit)

Not many pics in this serie and all kinda different from each other...then I'm not sure I can consider it like a real shoot  or the story of them all create something....(I told you I'm always thinking...I'm tiring myself sooo good all alone )

*shut up cunt*

I'm using a new software ! It's not photoshop cos I'm a mess in it but he's sooo good, I'm in love...well I have something like 150% more much work with it, but it's funny to use and discover all the possibilities of the soft !

So enjoy the new shoot if you want it, spit on it for the haters, you're all welcome I'm a kind girl...




 
















Your turn now...I do my job ;)



(oh and when I wrote...can't remember when, but in my "mood" that I was loosing my skin....I mean it :









hell body who is always giving up on me


and yes I put some hand's cream but it didn't fix the problem )




Tuuuuuurn ====


Bigger size in the same name album

xxxx

Currently listening : Lights By Archive Release date: 2006-05-29

7:40 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

[Experimentation] --~Let’s put a smile on that face~--
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Art and Photography

well...if ever you wasn't a member yet of my "what the fuck is that girl ??" group you can suscribe now ^^

It's funny to see the contrast...the difference between my last shoot Stolen and this one
at least I didn't name it Shoot because it's not really one, this was more an experience...as obsession at least since I saw The Dark Knight in a movie theater in Stockholm

I must say I went for look at this movie because I wanted to see the performance of Heath Ledger as The Joker [ - Rest in peace ;(  - ] not because it was his last movie or because he passed away but because of the trailer he seems so perfect as The Joker...so psycothic...chaos

And this movie is just incredible...not only because of the performance of Ledger but also for the acting of all actors...the scenario....action scene...he's so dark, kind of superhero thriller psycologist, everyone is thinking about his own life, way of acting...so as Batman...and I must say definitively Batman, I'm not gonna told you what's happend in it but people who saw it will understand


I'm looking at the trailer so many times a day, listening to the music Molossus

check the trailer and the music here


The Dark Knight Trailer



I didn't liked Batman begins for be honest, I saw it on TV last week and he booored me so much but The Dark Knight...is THE Batman movie so far for now...the Burton's ones were really great and I still loved them very much but The Dark Knight...is the best Batman so far...so dark so fucking dark


So I wanted to do just one picture...one picture for try to make it out from my head...this agent of chaos...the Joker...






¤Explanation¤





For do the "make-up" I used painting (yeah real painting lol) as we say in French and like is always saying my Grand Ma'  "Si tu n'as pas de pétrole tu as des idées" it mean that i you don't have the right  tools for do something...create them...and I can say it's my "life line" lol




So I used painting first the base = Face in white






*She getting real face for "freeze" but I must say it was better for me...like this I was able to "brooke" the painting and try to give a more broken lookalike to the skin and "make-up"



__________________________________________








The second part was at least the more....booooring to put on my face lol in the Dark Knight The Joker have scars...and at least he gave two versions about those scars in the movie...so you don't really know how he get those scars...but well technical stuff !! I use dry paper !! lmao I wet him and just put it on the freeze painting on my face...then I put white painting again for glue it on my skin, I was bitting the top of the dry paper with my teeth for try to didn't make it moove



__________________________________________



After this more "plasticine session" Here I go for the painting stuff again, I used black painting for the eyes...I obviously know that the make-up of Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight didn't require as much as black on the eyes...but here I just do it for pictures and it's weel know...more you put it...more you get a better effect on piccies !! (Copy paste this rules to make-up when you took you in piccies you'll see the difference ^^) After paint my eyes in Black first, I do the red Lips, it was pretty hard to put it on the dry paper because at least it wasn't sooo glue on my face so it was mooving all the time...when the dry paper get...dry lol it wasn't a problem at least...but it was quite difficult and at leat I didn't use my tripod for this shoot so I always had to wash my hands before took my camera (I put her on a bathroom furniture under the sink)

Oh and yes I shoot this in my Bathroom.

So after the eyes & lipstick painting session I had to cracked the painting, cracked my skin...for give more a chaos effect, try to stay the more faithfull possible to the make-up version of the original, Then I put water a bit on the painting black eyes for give this dirt effect...













The scar's effect is pretty cool at least...it's one of the first time I'm proud of me for something lmao ^.^


So here I ending with the technical stuff..and now I'm gonna let you "enjoy or not" the result and my work on this...."not hard to found" inspiration

And at least you can see that there's a lot of preparation for only two miserable pictures lol, like I'm alone for doing all the stuff I'm almost half dead at the end of a shoot always (and I had to wash my fucking hair 3 times )



..........

...............

...................

So here we go for the only Two shoot who'll really "getting out" from this experimentation...






¤Shoot¤














°°°°°¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤&¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤°°°°°














You can understand and see why the using of much paint on my face for the eyes and lips, I grow and work in darkness with my pictures most of the time...so I do need "Big Stuff" for my shoot and the make up black one when I need it...I just look like a fucking dalmatien ahahah

Like this my face half disapear for only show what I wanna show...and what I want that people focus on


...it's not at all a kind of "memorial stuff" or else I just...like every of my shoot need to get out piccies from my head...but it's true that it's the first time a movie character inspired me at all...It's strange and confusing feeling...but I'm content about this...this project...this experimentation...I'm content



So as a hard work  and big explanation It would be great to have feedback or even talk about the technical stuff...I'm open to everything concerning this ""thing"" lol


Tack Tack ^^


xxxx

Currently listening : The Dark Knight Release date: 2008-07-15

8:11 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

{[(|Shoot|})] Stolen
Current mood: crushed
Category: Art and Photography

My trip in Stockholm was one of the best that I made....and actually I will going back to Stockholm for sure before November 

And I can't even stop to took piccies ^^


I don't have a lots of thing to say about this...well nothing at least, I let my soul in Stockholm for now, it will be a little time before I recover her, so I'm kinda empty, so I'm speechless so you're free from my talking
























xxxx

2:16 PM - 3 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

{[(’(SHOOT)’)]} All this decay...
Current mood: okay
Category: Far away from me Art and Photography

take it away..."

Humpff It's been so long since I made a kind of shoot..."kind of" yep, things aren't really like we planned them sometimes *cunt life*

Anyway.... *shut up French girl* I'm enchained to a quite strange mixy playlist those last past days aaaand I can say it quite freeze my brain *brain* *freeze*

a mix between Depeche Mode (much much much) / Kate DeLuna (Run the show yep) / Weeping Willows

my playlist for now...the same songs day by day over and over

Always putting me in a kind of strange feelings, passing by the dancing ones, crawling to the desperate the romantic and depressed one, I dance & I cry & I'm excited lmao


...yeah I'm scyzho... nooo seriously, I always have to explain the mood...dunno why, it's not extraordinary...eeh like usual but this time more than the others (...yeah I always say that....yeah I do the questions & the answers but it's not my fault if my work are getting worse as my self esteem more we grow in time and more I wanna throw me under a train *Call 911*) at least it's not a problem 'cos I'm gonna die in a crash plane on Friday (first time I take plane of my life...I'm damned scared...I need drug...or marshmallow or a chair in my face *lonely party* I guess I'm crazy... ) Here's the pics, portrait...simple...useless...blah




Ooh and also big important my playlist ! (know that I plat those song day by day then and always, always always always...it's always like that with me = Songs trapped me) It's always the same order for DM...I just can't change the order for DM songs or I'm lost...there's lyrics quote in each of my pics...maybe for that reason it looks that they get no commun point....but they've got...so listen to the playlist if you're curious

+ (Bitchy playlist website who don't know Weeping Willows >.<)

Weeping Willows - The Burden
Weeping Willows - The Stairs
Weeping Willows - A Man out of Me
Weeping Willows - Whispers

ah et j'ai perdu un bout de dent au niveau de la racine...c'est flippant et j'ai un putain gout de sang dans la bouche maintenant....*merde*



xxxx

Currently listening : Music for the Masses By Depeche Mode Release date: 1990-10-25

1:54 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

{(.)}Shoot{(.)} Para°Lésia
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Art and Photography

8:03 PM - 7 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

’[(SHOOT)]’¤Immortal she...return to me¤
Current mood: awake
Category: Art and Photography

Not plan at all shoot....but in another way this time ^^ I mean It's pics I have in my messy cpu that I start to look at again...listening to a band named I Monster for all the evening, and especially a song named "Who Is She ?"


I was looking at those pictures and start to resize them...work on the first and more I was working at more the picture "draw herself" so it just came naturaly, I was bored = look at my old pics = new work ^^


It's big work on them, big time lmao I really don't know how to use photoshop and I'm not obsess about how to use it, so I use Photofiltre, with paint, brush and else lol, mess mess mess, so details are way really complicated for me to get...but at least it's a real big work on them, I enjoy it, I enjoy spend 3 hours on 3 pictures ^^


So nothing else to say about it...

Here are the photo














Look and give your feedback if you like them or not, bigger siez in the same name album in my photo


xxxx


Oh and please :


www.myspace.com/sadmanmusic
www.sadman.se


If you listen or add them I'll do that face :






xxxx

5:19 PM - 7 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

~"~{(SHOOT)}~"~ The Contract
Current mood: amorous
Category: Art and Photography

How much I was longing for you in a way...like a thunder and then the storm who'll devastate and blow my sunday night...

But how much now that it's 02,53 Am I wanna kill you hell inspiration


I was listening to a song again and again...it's strange it's been a while I'm listening to that song and I only got that inspiration now...strangly fun in a way...I enjoy it...receiving thunder tunes without warning...when I had that "picture thunder" in my mind and I was smiling like a crazy *Finaly* I wanted wrote like a "time board" so I wrote time each time I was finishing something...so here we go  =


-Picture thunder inspiration : 21,39 pm
-Ending wrote inspiration on paper : 22,01 pm
-Ending shoot : 00,02 am
-Ending work on pictures : 01,12 am
-Ending resizing and pick pictures : 02,51 am


I always have to make my pictures as soon as I imagine them...or the day after but I can't wait more or then they just disapear from my mind...

Well it's 03,05 am now I wanted to finish and post my blog tonight but too much to do with up pics and else...I'm frustrate lol because I didn't succed what I wanted...but at least the biggest "creation" part is made, just have to write and up now...


Ok...morning lol here I am again, after have my "third eyes" I'm finaly ready to ending wrtting my blog...


Like always, self portrait so I made them by myself...it's the first time the body isn't the most important part in the pictures...I see it focus on the decoration and accessories, the body is on the "second plan" not that important.


I found all the accessories in my home, all my shoot are made in my house, I look on table/desk and else and pick what I found good for the pictures...I made my hair by myself...I was proud of me lol, hair/make-up and else

I put something really sentimental in it, an object but, I'll not say more about it :p

As always I had other idea that I wrote on my "insiparation paper" but I didn't make them...just can't, it's always frustrate but well I get used to it and at least other pictures draw themself during the shoot


I use my tripod and my remote controller, the tripod standing on a chair again...

I didn't work so much on the pics editing...I mean the color I didn't change it much, I already nearly get the color during the shoot...

The paper is a creation lol, I took a laser paper and use few way for make him look like an older one, then burn the paper...and burn my hand in the same time ahah *hell*


So here we go with this shoot





























































**************************************************************

The Contract

M.Räftegård-L.Fernström

Taste the line
I'm ready to take off
Take my hand
I show you something beautiful
Reconnect the treasure from our stolen show

Paralyzed
We are going on and on and on

I'm signing the contract
With the other side
I never ever looking back
I'm signing the contract with her darkest side

I want her
I need her
Now.

Emotional
I'm gliding in your parachute
Sensual
Extraordinary contribute
Stay with me
Burn with all your attitude

You and me
We are going on and on and on

I'm signing the contract
With the other side
I never ever looking back
I'm signing the contract with her darkest side

I want her
I need her
Now.

6:04 AM - 7 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

~{([SHOOT])}~ -----’cause you will hate yourself in the end----
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Art and Photography

It's a shoot I made few days ago, it wasn't plan at all, I have a little problem with my inspirations for now...I only have crazy ideas lol, at least I just can't make them kinda impossible



So my frustration is so big and I'm always so angry to can't just realise the pics I have in mind...but well that one...

This one I can't say I was inspired by music lol yes for now I only listen to Japanese Rock (yes yes lol) Naruto's opening/ending and some music from Full Metal Alchemist, like in all music style there's good thing in Japanese Rock and others completly "un-listenable"

but that's funny and it give me energy, need it for now, I enjoy those kind of music without any pretention just fun and great in the same time, put in loud in the room and it's just perfect for "PJs parties" lmao




So this shoot I work on him in my precious old "technical stuff" I didn't use my tripod or my remote controller, I put my camera on my two TV controller for the portrait view and use my precious 10 second for took my pictures (and run for strike the pose lol)

I missed it...I really enjoy this messy way of work it's more funny for me but my tripod help me for more technical shoot...



I don't have a lots of thing to say about it...I want to go outside today and breathe pure air even if my body gonna make me pay it I don't care...I wanna take landscapes pictures and work in a way I wanted to experiment with the colors I usually enjoy...it may can be good

Woo I start to talk about my life now...like we say in France "3615 my life allo j'écoute ?"


My lack of sleep certainly freeze my brain for sure, ok ok ok so here my new shoot hope you'll enjoy it














































God I still didn't found a tittle for that shoot....I hate have to found one....*gasp*


ok so biggest size in the same name album in my pictures "'cause you'll hate yourself in the end"


(I pick that sentence from one of the song I'm listening since 4 days now...even if I wasn't inspired by them I always have to pick a sentence from the song I'm listening to

Oh and the pics were made on the 13rd May)


_____________________________________________

"Cultivate your hunger before you idealize.
Motivate your anger to make them all realize.
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.
Break into the contents, never falling down.

My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve,
Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door.
A man railed at me twice though, but I didn't care.
Waiting is wasting for people like me.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't dry with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

(Repeats)

You say, "Dreams are dreams.
"I ain't gonna play the fool anymore."
You say, "'Cause I still got my soul."

Take your time, baby, your blood needs slowing down.
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom.
Reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing, shadows of nothing.

You still are blind, if you see a winding road,
'Cause there's always a straight way to the point you see.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't dry with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end."

6:30 AM - 6 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

~)=])]SHOOT([=([ Diapositive([([ =)~
Current mood: amorous
Category: Art and Photography

I hesitate again a lot before up this...it's not that I'm affraid of people judgement, it's more an argue with myself, try to took a decision, asking if it's not too comon if it's "deserve to be show"

And I always answering to this last question by no, those days I just don't like what I produce, and this one wasn't a plan one at all...I had one pics in mind one totaly different who actually is in this shoot


I was mad 'cos I didn't succed to realised her like I wanted and I staring at the mirror looking at me and start to take pictures

as simple as it...

but sooo complicated to transform, I took pictures without think...composition...it's not a thing I think a lot, put one objects there and else, I don't think my pictures I lived them


I would love be able to imagine them be able to use a models and be able to be a models too in a way, but I can't and I would not be one for one of those situation, I know it

So I envy yoooou photographer and models :p I envy you

I imagine it like...I don't know little movies, "Diapositive" I feel that way when I was working on them it came naturaly and now I can't imagine otherwise it's may not be the best composition way or I may try to make it better but at least....noooope



I nearly loose that shoot [again] glad to him to keep all the things I send to him


Merci chéris



















Shoot in the same named album "Diapositive" in my albums


xxxx




Sadman Released their very first Album "Cold in the State of Me" !!!

Check them out you will not be disapointed, it's my heart...soul...music and tunes.

SADMAN MYSPACE




xxxx

8:23 AM - 19 Comments - 31 Kudos - Add Comment