9/11
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life

9/11. That dreaded day that comes around every year and reminds us all. It means different things to all of us. It is a very somber, sad day, period if you ask me.

Today, when it hit me that it even IS 9/11 I almost had a horrible breakdown. A huge rush hit me, tons of guilt, and overwhelming sadness.

For a long time, I cried on 9/11, for all I thought about was how so many people faced so much tragic loss. I know all about tragic loss myself. I didn'y personally know anyone involved in 9/11, but I have lost in life the closest person ever to me. I would rather to not have watched him die a slow, suffering death. Yet, loss is loss through the eyes of a mother, a spouse, a sister, a grandparent.

I have prayed year after year for those who still suffer at the hands of what happened that fateful, horrible day.

I have felt helpless as a young mother who couldn't do too much to help.

Anytime I think of the events that day, I want to be able to reach out to families and loved ones of victims and just hug them, embrace them, let them know they are not alone when they feel it the most.

And then this morning happened.

I have been prearing for Hurricane Ike all day. I live in the Houston area and guess who is expected to get hit HARD? I have been so distracted about this huge hurricane coming for us that I forgot such an important day...the day carved forever as simply 9/11.

My son was born on 9/11. His first birthday was THE 9/11. Today, when I realized it was that day..IT HIT ME!! THAT day was the last birthday I spent with my son, who is 8 years old today.

My son that I love so much that I gave him a better home than what I could give him. See, I was in a very desolute, poor, helpless spot in 2002. I spent the Christmas prior in a homeless shelter in Houston, TX alone with my son. There is so much to this story that I wish I could share today, but I just don't have time. We do still afterall have a hurricane bearing down on us.

All I want to do right now is hold my son who is nowhere near. All I can do is pray that is is far from Houston right now in a safe place. His family lives in Houston too. He was the most beautiful baby boy. I was so in love with him, and as long as I had him, he was my world. If I had only known things were going to be okay, but I know if I would have stayed in that place I was in, they may not be as good as they are now.

I am so blessed in life in this very moment. I could not begin to ask for more. As much as has been lost in my short life of 30 years, I would not give it all back. I truly feel like God is being good to me.

I didn't lose my son in a war. I didn't know anyone who died on 9/11.

My heart still goes out to those who hold this grief today. I hold my own great losses, yet mine seems so very insignificant. 9/11, a day of humility in a world of greed. Please remember.

8:45 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

blessings or losses
Current mood: sympathetic
Category: Writing and Poetry

Life

A gift we are given

From birth we are blessed

Most of us anyhow

We grow

We learn to love

We teach our offspring to love

Yet, a blessing in disguise

As often what we love is torn out of our grasp

Suddenly

Violently

Even tragically.

A lifetime ago

It was ripped away from me

I cried

I was lost

I could not breathe

Though I never got angry

For I saw the blessing

I recognized what I got out of the deal

When I see someone I love facing loss

It angers me

Good people

Suffering for the bad of mankind

And I think of the lesson we teach our children

How life isn’t always fair

Yet life is what we make it

And we are human

We are strong

We are resilient

We have love

We have one another

It is amazing the power of friendship

Of humanity

My friends are what got me through all my dark days and nights

I sometimes wish I could be there

Holding someone I love

Knowing how lost she could feel

One thing

And another

And another

I suffocate the scream that I want to release in her honor

Jealous of not being blessed enough to know her

Yet

Knowing someone who knows just how blessed they are.

Laura Waybright 04.03.2008

I had another poem to write today for David actually until I read something that inspired this one..this is for a dear friend who shall know who she is when she reads this...and it is in honor of a great woman I never was blessed enough to meet. I love you!

And sweetheart, you will get your turn..l.over and over and over again! I love you also...with all my heart!

6:35 AM - 10 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

missing Valentine’s Day
Current mood: bored
Category: MySpace

oops! Laura pretty much missed the Valentine's train on myspace. I spent just about an entire day AWAY from the computer yesterday, which is strange for me, when I am home all day. I got alot of love from friends and I am so very sorry I did NOT get to send the love back! I really do love you guys!! Well some of you anyhow, the people who are NOT a pain in my ass! LOL

On another note Valentine's was a serious transition for me. Wednesday, I seriously asked Philip NOT to contact me. I knew it was going to create nothing but a problem with the current bf, and well, it is just time to let go..completely. I can now recognize he was the only one getting any kind of anything out of our relationship, and I m no longer going to just sit idly by, watching him walk all over me. SO, I tuck him away in a tiny spot in my heart, carry on my memories, and walk on toward the sunset.....

Only one bump in that road...I decided to call him and ask him to change the address at the bank so I can NOT have to have the reminder constantly that he once was here but now is gone....And there was his typical I made contact, he called me back later,....and I hope that was it.

No need for more details,....it just got to this ugly place where neither of us were completely letting go. SO, I cut the cord.

And It felt so good to hug David hello yesterday.

We had a nice Valentine's dinner. Went to Saltgrass and Tara was SO being her ususal self, then again, being the day it was, there was a serious wait for a table also...fortunately both the kids had their heelys on and were pretty entertained hanging out outside. The the food was perfect, and she ended up eating very good too, and the attitude fixed itself for the most part.

We then took the kids up to the mall to play, for it was then 8:00, and the only place for them to run off some serious energy, but we had fun, the four of us playing tag...minus the fact that some kid had puked on the playground, and we all had to avoid that area..YUCK!! LOL

It was definitely hard saying goodbye last night, as neither of us wanted the night to end there...I was so ready for him to take me home, but then it just wasn't logical, it being a schoolnight and all..I knew he would have come and got me later had I had said the words...but hell..what's one more day waiting at this point??? LMAO

SO, that was my Valentine's...I think it was great spending it with the kids!!  I wish I would've gotten to wish a good day to more of my friends but myspace just wasn't calling me yesterday!! I hope you all understand...let me know how your Valentine's went!!! How did you spend the day??

9:25 AM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Last Dance
Current mood: adored
Category: Writing and Poetry

 a weary heart, tangled up in its own broken pieces

wading in the waters of her ocean

she dances with him

she lets him soak up all her water

and her sunshine seems to be hiding behind her moon

the moon by which they danced in perfect tune

music only playing in the webs of their one mind

her seas were vast, til one man got greedy

today she takes it all back

the horizon in hues of orange and pink

fire dances across her sky

the storm has passed now, and as the sun sets,.it catches her eye in a twinkle

a twinkle for someone very special

she sets a tiny boat asail,.adrift in the wind..heading out to sea

and she lets her weary heart rest safely on his chest,.right where he caught her.

8:15 AM - 11 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

reminders
Current mood: somber
Category: somber Life

Isn't it amazing how we sometimes forget just how very good we have it?

Isn't it ironic, how those we love disappear shortly after the one time we forget to say "I love you"?

How many days in your life do you think you didn't see something beautiful?

Do you forget to thank those who hold a door for you?

Do you tuck your children in with your own hands each and every night?

Just imagine if those you love weren't here tomorrow!

Make sure you tell them..right now... just how much they mean to you.

Do something special.

Leave her a note in her jacket to find tomorrow as she reaches in at lunchtime at work.

Drop him an email,  and tell him "just because..."

Make sure they know you love them.

You never know when you will not have them, or when they will not have you.

Hold on for just a moment longer the next time you embrace.

Hold on tight.

And live everyday with the comfort of knowing you sent them your message.

4:53 PM - 16 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

my ghost
Current mood: torn
Category: torn Writing and Poetry

The ghosts of yesterday haunt me,.they taunt me

Reminding me why I felt broken just yesterday

Why it is hard to let go and be happy today

So fucking hard it is

I find myself in a blissful moment

And the next suffocating in grief

Love is letting go, and love is giving in

Yet, I still hurt for someone I love so much

And yet the comfort I seek does not come from him

I did not get comfort when I had him

I was merely a stepping stone...to a ghost.

As love sneaks it tricky fingers across my soul

My spirit still breaks when I think of my ghost

Funny how I seem to forget he does not want me

He did not love me, he did not adore me

Is the ledge I am falling from love or heartache

For both are present in my life

My bare soul is raw from the weeping inside

Yet, it is high tide once again

So, i shall slip off my shoes

Barefoot, I dance in the surf that surrounds me.

Laura Waybright 02.12.2008

Currently listening : Hybrid Theory By Linkin Park Release date: 24 October, 2000

6:30 AM - 21 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

fuck a blog!
Current mood: sleepless,horny,and stuffy!
Category: sleepless,horny,and stuffy! Parties and Nightlife

did I clarify that this is about MY nightlife?or lack thereof? LMAO

I now cannot sleep. Layed down about an hour ago, sure gave it my all. closed my eyes and everything. Randomness absorbed me though. It was no good to no end. So, yeah, here I am, nobody online, and blogging away about nothing.

Speaking of random, thought I would share a few of my random thoughts from this evening. Keep in mind this is a small part of tonight's thought process. Started with my mom and a conversation we had today about my life and where I want to be.

Somewhere shortly before my attempt at sleep I was talking to David, and yeah...I am feeling sick-ish again. My whole body aches, and my sinuses are killer right now. Breathing is uncomfortable, and we were talking about how my health issues are very partially tied into my living situation here with my mom.

Then my thoughts evolved into when I am out of here once again, having a place to call my own. Will my OCD take effect again? I was reflecting on all my weird little habits I have. One that stands out is how I hand vaccuum my floors. I have become quite obsessed sometimes. I will aimlessly scour the floors for particles, leaves, dirt, crumbs, whatever until I am comfortable knowing it is visibly clear. Man, how I have let it all go. I am very much the same way with countertops. Seriously, if you have ever seem my mom's place where I live know, you would never know. My serious issue is dusting...I do have a hard time dusting,...God forbid I see dust going into the air..it makes me it thinking about it. And everything has it's own place. Books go in order by size, pictures hung evenly, clothes sorted by color and type, often even type of fabric. Every dish, or small appliance, has one exact spot in the kitchen. I still often straighten things when I am in a supermarket. I was just wondering how much of this will come back to me when I get to that place again. Thinking of cleanliness makes me want to feel dirty..I wonder if they tie in?

Then, for a brief moment, of course I was thinking about just how badly I wish there were *something* in my mouth leaving it's imprint upon my lips, my tongue, my throat...IT IS SO FUCKING CONSUMING! this thought, damnit!

And somewhere I was thinking about quite a number of people I know, wondering how they are doing. I wish I could keep up with all my friends more. I worry about quite a number of people who I care so much about. It is not always worry, more concern and well wishes I suppose.

Thinking of friends got me thinking about God again, questions rolling through my mind. I am also perturbed by how easily I am inflicted by other people's thoughts on this matter. I suppose it is because I am in the middle, and not even sure how I feel about it??!!

I also got back to thinking about how some of my friends keep managing to disappear off my subscriptions. When, how and why do you just silently unsubscribge from a blog? One of my more favorite blogs to read I noticed earlier had vanished. Not the first time that has happened though! This is also probably the thought that inspired me to get up and come over to the computer.

And, once or twice, here and there, that hard object came back to mind...my saliva dripping down it as I devour it hungrily.....

I thought about the birthday gifts I need to buy this month...and Valentine's and how very poor I am...and a mental grocery list of sorts...and I will be damned about those new jeans I want!

Tara, getting up in the morning, getting her ready,..all the emotional anguish she seems to be going through, and I am pretty sure she has a UTI, and I need to get her to a doctor, and geesh, is it possible to get her to pee in a cup?

MMMM, can't wait to drink a good cup of coffee in the morning, finally got some real creamer yesterday!

And since I said MMMM (and cream-er),...OMG i want to feel it..right there, and NOW would be nice!

In case anyone ever wondered how my mind worked...this sleepless evening is a very good example!

9:15 PM - 34 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

Obsession
Current mood: dirty
Category: Writing and Poetry

A seed growing within,

Now pleads to be fed,

Untouched it wilts,

Near death in its bed,

It's scream is a constant,

Saying feed me, please, feed me!

I want to succomb,

To the power completely!

I want to feed it,

Daily and nightly,

I keep it in my mind though,

Carefully, tightly,

Temptation is near,

Calling me out,

I want to go,

I want to let it out!

What is right?

What is just?

Feed me, damnit!

You must, you must!!

Or do I suppress it?

Let it suffocate?

Deep in my blood,

It grows, it penetrates,

No matter my choice,

It lives in my mind,

It is whether I feed it,

Controling it's climb.

Laura Waybright 02.05.2008

12:32 PM - 12 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

frustrating blog
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Blogging

ok, i got frustrated and deleted the let's create a poem together blog. It was not going the way I planned,.thank you though Tricia and the lovely faithful reader whom I don't think I know your real name!! for trying to participate,.and Craig..there once was a girl not from nantucket..who wanted a poem but later said "FUCK IT"...so she blogged again..and told all her friends...and shed all her tears in a bucket!

6:35 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

frustrating blog
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Blogging

ok, i got frustrated and deleted the let's create a poem together blog. It was not going the way I planned,.thank you though Tricia and the lovely faithful reader whom I don't think I know your real name!! for trying to participate,.and Craig..there once was a girl not from nantucket..who wanted a poem but later said "FUCK IT"...so she blogged again..and told all her friends...and shed all her tears in a bucket!

6:35 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment