A Serious, Whining, Complaining Blog (Read at your own risk)
Category: Pets and Animals

This is an exhausted topic, I realize that. My friends and family are tired of hearing about this, and I hate writing "woe is me" blogs. However, I'm desperately looking for advice, and I'm hoping y'all have some input.

A couple weeks ago I wrote an entertaining yet true angry letter to my adopted dog Bruce, who has been nothing but problems since I got him 7 months ago.

Since the time I wrote that blog, he has gotten in a fight at daycare (unclear who started it) with another dog, causing a chunk to be bitten out of his ear. I had to leave work early and spend two hours at the vet. He then bled all over my house while I had to leave for a short time, and then he stayed at a friends house and he bled all over her house.

He has also done a number of "revenge" activities in the house, which he does when I leave him alone too much during a particular day (despite the fact that he gets PLENTY of daily exercise). These revenge activities would include peeing on the television and chewing up things within his reach.

In all seriousness, I am at my wits end with this dog. I CANNOT give him back to the rescue, as I've alway been a firm believer in keeping a pet through good and bad (the only exception to that would be if my townhouse community required me to get rid of him due to noise disturbance, which is always a concern because he used to cry during the day, and possibly still does).

I've spent money. I've spent time. I've sacrificed so many things for this damn dog. And I love him so much. But I just can't take it anymore.

If I was rich it wouldn't be a problem, because I could send him to daycare every day. If I had a big house with a fenced yard, it wouldn't be a problem, because he'd have room to run and I wouldn't have to worry about him disturbing neighbors with adjoining walls. If I didn't live alone it wouldn't be AS much of a problem, because there'd be others to keep him company. But right now, none of those are viable solutions.

My ideal situation would be to have a "babysitter" who could take him to their house on evenings that I have plans. I have a friend who has helped me out a few times by doing this, and it was very helpful, but she is not in a position to be a regular babysitter. Otherwise, I'm out of ideas. He hates being alone, but I can't be with him every minute.

Part of me wonders if he's even happy living with me. Would I be doing him a favor by returning him to the rescue? Would he prefer to live in a home with kids and a fenced in yard? Probably. But I still don't know if it's worth the trauma of him being bounced to another home that may not even treat him as well as I do.

The current things I do for this problem:

- I leave him with several "special" toys and at least 4 bones to keep him busy all day when I'm at work.
- I take him to the dog park 7 days a week, for 1-3 hours each day. He ALWAYS gets daily exercise.
- I have always taken him to daycare if I have plans in the evening. However, with the recent "ear biting" incident, I'm no longer taking him to THAT daycare. Plus, daycare is mucho expensive ($30 per day).

I REALLY need advice here. Any hints? Where would I even find a petsitter that would take him a couple evenings a week? Damn, I'm exhausted from dealing with this for the last 7 months.

7:08 AM - 19 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Well, HELL!!!! (a rant)

I played softball (fastpitch) in Middle School. I would now like to toot my own horn by saying I was really good. And then, as I do with most things, I lost interest and switched to tennis as my main sport.

So, over the past couple years I've desperately wanted to get back into softball. I have asked around and tried to find a team. I wasn't looking for anything too competitive, but rather a team that would accept the fact that I'd need a little time to get back into the game and that I wouldn't be my best right away.

Earlier this past Spring I found a team on Craigslist that said they were a "semi-competitive" women's team looking for players. I contacted them and was, much to my suprise, immediately accepted to the team. After doing some research online, I found out that I had just joined a lesbian softball league. Oopsies! Strike ONE!

A couple weeks later, my friend D told me that her friend was starting a team for her church and that they needed players. I immediately jumped at the opportunity, only to find out later that they had "an overwhelming response" to the softball team, and that I could be an alternate (read: the team's captain found enough friends that wanted to play instead of someone she'd never met). Strike TWO!

And then, a couple weeks ago, my friend J posted on Facebook that his Fall team was looking for a "high level female" to play on their co-ed team. Me, looking back to my old abilities from back in the day, thought "well...I'm high level! I'll play!" And so I finally thought I'd found a team. I went to sub on J's Summer league this past weekend, did so-so (in my opinion, not bad for having not played in 12 years) only to find out that the team organizer for the Fall league was watching me and decided I wasn't "up to their calibur." Well, FUCK! Strike THREE!

And so, I must now wait another Winter until I can attempt to find a team next Spring. I WILL use this time to work on my batting, throwing, and running (because, I'll be honest, my legs are still hurting three days later because I NEVER sprint anymore, and I only ran from home to first base three times) and I will find a team next year.

6:00 AM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Holy Frasier!

Kelsey Grammer is going to be appearing at the Republican National Convention here in Minneapolis/St. Paul in 3 weeks. How can I go on with my life, knowing that he is 15 miles from my house and I can't meet him? I need to make this happen.

Ideas? I ain't joking around here folks, this is serious business.

Foxy old man

10:35 AM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Lauren the Spazz

I'm a spazz. I have known this since I was a kid. Even at 6 years old, I worried about EVERYTHING. I was scared of everything. It's no wonder I turned out the way I did. For example:

My sister told me in first grade that the school lunch "fiestada" (mexican pizza for the regions which did not serve this delicacy) was awful and disgusting. So, when fiestada was on the menu for the first time of that school year, I was terrified. I worried about lunch the entire day. I couldn't even concentrate. In the end, she was right, it was pretty nasty, but it didn't warrant me being scared all day long.

On my first day of kindergarten some older kid sat next to me on the bus. I screamed at the top of my lungs and started crying. I think I freaked out the older kid. The bus driver had to calm me down until my sister got on the bus. I would only sit by my sister.

In fourth grade it was time for mom to tell me about "the birds and the bees." For some reason, I built this talk up in my head to be some big, scary deal, and I worried about it for the entire summer. One day I said "Let's get this over with" and mom told me all about sex and what not. My reaction: "That's it? I already knew that!" Although, looking back, I am not exactly sure how I knew all about it already. They don't teach it in school until fifth grade.

At about age 7, I randomly decided one day that I was scared of choking. So I wouldn't eat anything for several days.

I am very punctual and hate being late for things. This trait has been with me since I was a kid. In Kindergarten my mom told me once that I didn't have to leave for the bus stop until the clock said one-one-five-nine (11:59 a.m.). So, every day the entire school year, I'd sit by the clock and yell "MOM IT'S ONE-ONE-FIVE-NINE!!!! I HAVE TO GO!!! If we were even a minute late I'd freak out.

In fourth grade I got my first "boyfriend." One day, we were hanging out on the playground when this other kid dared us to kiss. I got scared for some reason and said "Um, J, I think we should just be friends." And so, that was it. Fortunately we're still friends after all these years, but unfortunately I'm still a spazz.

7:20 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Updates

The Big Announcement: Mike Myers has begun writing Austin Powers 4. Am I happy about this, as MMs biggest fan? Not so much. I truly think it will stink, as it has been too long (six years so far) since the last movie. Not to mention how much The Love Guru bombed (which even I didn't see because I heard it was so awful). The craze is over, Mikey...stick to Shrek.

I am doing an inline skating marathon this upcoming Sunday, August 3rd. That is 26.2 miles. I'm quite confident that I'm not going to die, and I may even finish. I'll post some pics of my in my sexy spandex post-race.

Best movie I've seen recently: Step Brothers. Oh. My. God. This movie was FANTASTICALLY hilarious. I have a non-sexual crush on John C. Reilly now too. That man is hilarious +1 to Will Farrell.

I hate the word panties.

Weight Loss since September 2007: 31 lbs. I know, that isn't that much for nearly a year of hard work, but I feel like this time it's going to stick. Plus, this was without much exercise. I've recently been stepping up exercise quantity and I've dropped a few extra lbs. I'm happy where I'm at, but I have a goal in mind that still involves 10-15 more lbs. However, if I eat another Lean Cuisine I'll probably have a stroke. Blech.

I have no other constructive thoughts. I will return later today or this week with a second edition of "Dating Lauren for Dummies," as I have decided I'm pickier than I once thought. First edition now available at Barnes & Noble.

~Lauren

12:51 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Mutt,

Dear Mutt,

I am about at my wit's end with you. I think we need to have a little discussion about who's the boss of the household. And FYI: It ain't you.

First of all, please stop peeing on my stuff. The occasional peeing on my television stand was irritating, but I managed to clean it up while you stood there and watched...proudly, I might add. But your most recent choice to pee on my bed was highly inappropriate, and some things will be changing. You wil no longer be allowed on the bed.

You are very expensive. Initially, you cost me $125 from the rescue organization. All things considered, I've spent over $2000 on you since the adoption just six months ago. I really think we could cut down these costs in a few areas:

1. Stop eating dead animals at the park. Deworming medication is expensive.

2. Find other ways to deal with your stress instead of diarrhea. Again, high cost medication and cleaning supplies.

3. Do not bark during the day if I don't have time to give you exercise. I cannot afford $30 for daycare every time I have plans in the evening.

4. No more mutt=no more montly pet rent. Don't think I didn't warn you.

In addition to the monetary costs, I spend a lot of time on you. I think I'm a pretty good owner, as I spend about 3 hours with you at the dog park every day of the week. Even when a friend says, "Lauren you want to go biking tonight?" I reply, "yes but I can't until at least 8:00 because the dog needs at least two hours of exercise every night." How's that for a dedicated owner, huh Mutt? Fortunately, I enjoy the park much more now that we finally got you to stop trying to dominate every dog at the park, and people no longer give me the evil stare every time you knock their dog onto the ground or into the pond.

I would also appreciate an effort on your part to stop following me around and staring at me, staring at me while I'm watching TV, staring at me while I'm cooking, and staring at me while I'm brushing my teeth. Oh, and staring at me while I'm getting dressed in the morning. I know you're judging me.

If we can resolve these bumps in our relationship, we should be able to coexist in harmony in our quaint, pleasant, pee-stained townhouse.

Your loving owner,

Lauren

PS: Frogs are not edible. Why do you think you feel sick all the time?

6:44 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Can My Blog Hurt Me?

Do you think my blog could hurt me? Not physically, of course. My blog is not abusive anymore after we went to couseling....erm, I mean, reading back on some of the weird things I write (about dating and all sorts of other wacky tales)...would a guy be turned off by this? I mean, I seem all cool and normal in person and then, say, they look me up on Myspace and BLAMO! Crazy blogger! Would this make a guy run for the hills? Possibly.

I don't know, suddenly this occured to me today. My recent post about "Dating Lauren for Dummies" was, of course, chocked full o'sarcasm and all in good fun. A potential bf would probably look at that and think I'm crazy for posting that for the world to see, along with other things I write.

I guess I just wonder if I shouldn't set all my blogs to private or delete them so that no potential suitors can read them. But what would be the point of that? Then no one could share in my entertainment. Plus, I am who I am. And I am a blogging woman, hear me roar. RAWRRRRR.

Opinions?

~Lauren

7:28 AM - 20 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Updates

I must've subconsiciously had a bad tuna experience sometime recently, because I went from finding it super-delicious to absolutely repulsive in a matter of a few months. Tuna today=extreme nausea.

I HATE HATE HATE that commercial for Secret antiperspirant where the lady is walking down the street raising her arms while saying fucking stupid things just to prove that she's fresh and dry. That commercial makes me wonder if they're getting their ad executives from community colleges.

I've been brainstorming ideas for my first-ever stand-up comedy experience. I had a very positive public speaking experience at my sister's wedding in April (who am I kidding...it was AMAZING), and since then I've been itchin' to do it again. I have to write some jokes that are not about my sister.

I've had no eHarmony updates because so far my dates have been great. And, honestly, what fun is it to blog about good dates?

I seem to attract old men. I was being hit on by one at the dog park yesterday. And I'm NOT one of those people who thinks everyone is hitting on me either. This has happened to me other places too, and online. Fortunately it doesn't bother me because I like old dudes.

I had never been in a car accident until two days ago. I literally TAPPED the bumper of the car in front of me when they hesitated to make a left. No damage to either vehicle, but I'm sensitive and I started crying. The lady consoled me, the one who was at fault. Twas embarassing.

Lauren

8:50 AM - 15 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

For Your Comparison...
Category: Romance and Relationships

Guys on Singles.net:

Guys on eHarmony:

7:56 AM - 8 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Today on Maury: Dogs that Run People’s Lives

Since getting my dog Bruce back in January, I haven't told most of you too much about him. He is the greatest thing in my life and I love Bruce to death. But he runs my life.

Let's take a journey back in time over the past few months, shall we?

January: Three weeks of on/off diarrhea combined with peeing in the house and occasional vomiting (the dog, NOT me). Now must eat expensive prescription food.

February: Destruction/swallowing of my new leather jacket, 2 remote controls, and favorite baseball cap.

March: Neighbor complains, unknown to me this whole time, that dog barks all day long, every day while I'm at work.

April: Dog starts fighting with other dogs at dog park out or nowhere.

In addition, he is clingy, he stares at me constantly, he often vomits on my bed, and he paces around the house. I have spent a couple thousand dollars on this dog since January, for daycare, vet bills, food, pet rent, supplies, and toys.

And yet, I love nothing more than this dog.

As of this time, all these issues have been resolved one way or another with a combination of LOTS of exercise, toys to keep him busy, and discipline. However, this dog really does run my life.

If I'm going to be gone in the evening, he usually has to go to daycare ($30 per day) or else he gets lonely and barks or destroys things. I walked him for an hour EVERY morning (at 5:30 a.m.) for the last two months to keep him tired during the work day so he wouldn't bark...I am now trying to wean him off these morning walks. I spend 2+ hours with him at the dog park every night, or else I can't go anywhere. I have to leave the TV on for him during the day. I have to prepare several different toys to keep him busy during the day.

Today I did not walk him before work, and I did not take him to daycare (couldn't afford it), so I have to hurry home, walk him for an hour, and prepare some toys for him before I get ready and go out tonight. It's pretty stressful sometimes.

Yes, I'd say he is spoiled, but I don't do all these things JUST because he wants them. If my dog barks and neighbors complain (especially in a townhouse where the walls are paper thin), I have to give him up. And I am willing to do anything to prevent that from happening.

The list of good things about him would be twice as long as the list of bad things, but I don't find them as entertaining to write about in a blog.

And really, how can you possibly resist a face like this?:

7:02 AM - 16 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment