Somebody Must Love Me...
Current mood: melancholy

So Chris really isn't going to England. He's moving in with his friend Aaron, who's girlfriend is leaving him and moving out. Since they both need a place to stay, the logical solution is of course, to stop Chris from going to England and having him share an apartment with Aaron.

I don't really know Aaron very well. His ex Elaine is also good friends with Chris. Apparently Chris once had a thing for her. I'm not jealous, not of her, but of the past that Chris has with all his friends. I don't have very many people like that. The only person who has known me long enough to share stories of the past with me is Amanda.

The last time I saw Amanda was in February, when she dragged me out to Mississauga with a promise of booze and bars for her birthday and then went to bed at 10 o'clock. I watched nine movies and washed her dishes. It was a fun day, for sure. On Sunday I got a urinary tract infection (Yay!) Best fucking weekend of my life.

Chris has more and better friends than I do. That's what I'm jealous of. I like his friends just fine, I guess. But when they're around I kinda feel like a third wheel, which is stupid since I'm the girlfriend here. Maybe I really am the jealous type? I'm jealous for his attention. How horribly bitchy of me. I can't help it. He's the first person who has really paid attention to me since like the eighth grade.

I'm not sure what they think of me. They probably think I'm boring. I don't blame them really. It's hard for me to open up and be myself around people I don't know very well.

When Chris was talking to Elaine online she mentioned that she thought we weren't really going out, that we were just screwing. Also she got this information from Chris' former roommate who saw me come over every weekend. She was also talking to Chris about when he will 'eventually' get into a 'real' relationship, while I was sitting right next to her! I'm more afraid that she's right than I am angry that she would say something like that. Especially since Chris' response was to roll his eyes and say "Yeah, right."

It makes me doubt that he even cares about me, but when we're alone together he's so affectionate. Damn it! Why do I have to deal with mixed messages from my boyfriend? Once we're dating, shouldn't all that uncertainty go away? I think that it should just go away.

*le sigh* But anyway, onto another rant; The Hobbit. That charmingly irritating fellow that works with Chris and I at the Zellers Night Shift. Chris thinks he's hilarious, and I'll admit he does have his moments. Usually, though, I find he's more annoying and inadvertantly hurtful than really funny. I dread the time The Hobbit spends with us because I know I'll become a target for his teasing. Not anymore than anyone else, really, maybe even less, but the fact remains that I just can't handle it to the extant that he takes it.

After being teased and later ignored through my entire life, those kinds of things really strike deep. When he saw my haircut he outright laughed and started calling me 'Daria'. Although honestly I think he's thinking of Daria's friend Jane who has short black hair like I now do, which further proves my theory that he is, in fact, an idiot.

A couple months ago he asked me "How can you live with yourself, looking like that." And until he came up with the brilliant nickname of 'Daria' I was 'marshmallow'. I can't remember why. But he used wave his front of his nose whenever he walked by and exclaime how much I stank like marshmallows.

I know he's joking. He must be joking. If he honestly thought that I was ugly he probably wouldn't say such things, especially since Chris would probably punch him for it. I hope he'd punch him for it. Maybe he even thought that I was confident enough in the way that I looked to just brush it off as obvious friendly banter. But the truth remains that I am not confident in myself. People have constantly called me ugly, directly or indirectly, and meant it seriously in that past and I can't take the teasing. I obsess over it all night when these kinds of things happen.

I know this is a guy thing. When guys get together they like to make fun of each other. Girls on the other hand make fun of other people, because girls like to build themselves up by making fun of others out of earshot so they don't have to hurt their friends and cause unneccessary drama. I'm not saying this is right, in fact the reason I like hanging around with guys is because they don't resort to this kind of catty backstabbing viciousness to make themselves feel good about themselves. But when I'm the target of good natured teasing I find it hard to take a joke.

No one knows this. I doubt anyone has realized these things hurt me, and I don't want to whine about it and trouble the people I care about, so I'll just write it here, get it off my chest, grow some thicker skin and get over it.

I didn't sleep today and I've got very little time to nap before work. I am going to be so tired.

2:26 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

You never know...
Current mood: hungry

Please disregard my last blog's good news.

The Moose has been dumped, poor guy. The England move is back on, and my hopes are once again dashed to pieces. Thankfully, I wasn't really expecting this to go any other way, so I was prepared.

I shall, however, continue to stick to my philosophy of 'you never know'. Because you never really do know what's going to happen in the future. Maybe everything will turn out for the best?

5:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Finally, something positive. For me, at least.
Current mood: content

Moosey has a girlfriend!

Whee!

Do you people know what this means? Do you even know who Moosey is? Most likely not, I shall explain.

Moosey (AKA: Jason) is Chris' best friend and also the person he is going to England with. But Moosey (see: http://suicidegirls.com/members/Stealth_Moose/) has not had a girlfriend since forever, and he just recently landed himself a pretty darn cute one (I think this is her: http://suicidegirls.com/members/KismetsSugar/)

I wonder if they would mind me giving away their blogs like that? Probably not. Just don't mention you found them from me. I didn't even meet the girly, I was asleep most of the time when I saw her.

Anywho, since the Moose has a girlfriend, it seems questionable that he will be going to England at all. And Chris can't go without him since, you know, it is the Moose's uncle whom they would be staying with until they found their own place.

Which means that Chris may very likely be staying in Canada! YAY! My sweetcakes might not leave! Maybe this is my good karma for putting up with all the shit that's happened over the last decade without going on a mass killing spree. Yay! Good things! I will have hapy dreams today.

The only thing is, I only found this out because someone else asked Chris directly about his move to England. He didn't seem too upset about it at the time, but he may have been faking. I'm pretty sure he really wants to go to England.

We don't really talk a lot. We joke and watch TV and goof off but we don't really have 'talks'. I wonder how much I really know about him? I wonder why he dislikes his sister so much. And it seems like his mother too. I want to know what he wanted to do for a living. Surely he never planned on working at Zellers forever. Does he know I want to be a writer? I think I'm too shy to bring it up.

I'm a lousy writer anyway. I can't work if I'm not unhappy. And I haven't written anything in months, other than these ridiculous blogs.

Le sigh. Life is full of these highs and lows. I don't know what to think of it all.

If anyone has been able to figure out this whole 'life' thing, please let me know.

10:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It's a paradox
Current mood: contemplative

So May 19th is coming up real fast. In three days, to be exact. Anyone remember what that means?

Of course not. Nobody reads my whiny blog thing. I think it may be best that way.

Anywho! May 19th is the day Chris was origianlly going to be moving to England. But he's not anymore. At least, not yet. Nope, now he's not going anywhere untill September. I'm happy about that. I know it's terrible, horribly selfish of me, but I'm glad his plans got fucked over so that he could be mine for just a little while longer.

I was sympathetic when he told me, of course. I try my best to be a good girlfriend. It's a complicated situation. I want him to go, but I don't want him to leave. Does that make sense? Allow me to explain.

If it were me, I would kill to have the opportunity to go to a different country for a year. It's an adventure. It's something new and different. Unlike the rest of us slobs who will live out our lives day by day, never really doing anything interesting, he will be able to do somethign worth telling people about in ten, twenty or even thirty years from now. What he's doing in making memories. One of my biggest fears is that I will not have anything worth remembering in my life. A boring, inconsequential job, a mundane life, no crazy stories of mischief and adventure, just the same old routine. I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone, least of all on Chris. So I want him to go.

On the other hand, I don't want him to leave me. I want to be with him to make those memories. I want to share those crazy experiences with him. Before I met him I just sat around in my room wasting time, wasting my life. I never tried anything new. It was just the same old thing. I think about him leaving now and I realize that when winter comes around again I won't have anyone to keep me warm. I won't have anywhere to go to get away from my crazy house. I won't have anyone to introdice me to new things and people. I know for a fact that I'll go back to being a recluse. I won't keep up with his friends. I won't go to games anymore. I'll stay at home, too shy to go anywhere or do anything. But that's not really the core of it. I've finally gotten something, someone, that I wanted. I've found my perfect man, when a few months ago I thought I would have to settle for someone I didn't really like just so I wouldn't be alone. I don't want him to leave me.

Oh well, now it's time for me to go back to ignoring this problem until September. It's just the way I am.

8:18 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Decisions, decisions
Current mood: overwhelmed

Sometimes the life you dream of doesn't exactly work out the way you want it to. Sometimes you have to compromise. And a lot of times your life depends so heavily on others that absolutely nothing will go the way you planned. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just means that you have to be happy in a way you hadn't expected.

Of course this lovely little intro is leading up to Chris and I. Remember, he's moving to England. May 19th is the magic day. The day when the only guy I've ever really liked and (dare I say it?) loved, will leave and move to England. For a year minimum. Then maybe he'll come back to Canada, or maybe he'll go somewhere else. And if he does come back, who's to say that he'll want to be with me again? A year isn't really that long when you think about it. If he came back I would wait for him. If he wanted me to, I would go with him, in an instant.

But going with him would mess up my plans to move out this summer, and screw it up for Kevin too. But also he may be staying longer since the guy hes going with had to spend most of his savings on fixing his car. Then he won't have a place to live anymore since his lease is up. Maybe I'll live with him for a few months then?

Or what if Kevin gets that job and wont be able to be my roommate until next year? I don't really want to live in this house any longer. So where would I go? Would I move in with Amanda for a while? I don't really want to. Or should I find another roommate to live with for a year until he comes around? I don't know very many people. Maybe one of Chris' friends needs a place too?

But before all that, I need to get a full-time job, either at Zellers or find somewhere else to work. Which means I have to finish my resume.

Oh yeah, and taxes. How are thsoe supposed to work? Is there a deadline to file your tax returns? How should I know? It's not like they teach you this important stuff in school.

I wish I had all the facts for certain right now so I could make my decision on what I'm going to do. I'm running out of time.

Will I ever have time to write again?

2:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

@.$^!!!
Current mood: angry

You know, I'm not a violent person. Sure I play fight a bit with Chris, I'll punch my brothers in the arm sometimes, but very rearely do I ever sincerely want to beat the fuck out of somebody. Sure I get annoyed with people sometimes. How can I not? People are stupid. However, I can think of only one person with whom I actually get angry. And I mean really angry. Angry enough that my inhibitions fly out the fucking window and I want to kick holes in the wall, punch something until my knuckles bleed, or throw things around the house. I seriously consider vandalizing my own home even though I know I will get caught and get into a shitload of trouble. But when I'm that mad I just don't care about consequences. It's like being drunk, only without the happy feelings and all of the complete loss of common sense.

So...three guesses who this lucky person is.

That's right: it's Doug. My shit-licker of a stepfather. He personifies everything about humans that I hate. He's hypocritcal, stupid, mean, bitter, materialistic, selfish, and immature (and not in a fun way). He's basically just a whiny bitch who always has to have things his way or else he becomes spiteful and sometimes even downright cruel. I wish he would just hit me so I could have him arrested. Honestly.

The worst part is that everybody loves him. My ex-boyfriend thought he was cool. The rest of my family doesn't believe he could be anything other than a teddy bear, and they scoff if my brothers and I try to tell them differently. Of course this is just the rambling of a few emotional teenagers who were deeply upset by their parents' divorce or some other bullshit.

To be honest, before the split, I wanted them to get divorced. I hated them fighting, I hated my dad then and I was glad when he left. But Doug is a major step down. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what he does that I hate. Every time I think of an example it sounds so small. But it mattered at the time.

Like how he took my laundry out of the machine so he could put his in. I went to put my clothes in the dryer and found them still covered in detergent and only a few articles were slightly damp. He must have taken them out seconds after I went upstairs. I had put such petty things past him, I guess. I never even thought that he would do that. And I've spent the last eight years learning what an asshole he is. I really should stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. Really. I'm too nice.

I have problems holding a grudge. Even against Doug I forget his trangressions soon after he commits them. That's probably why it's so hard for me to explain why he's such a dick. But I guess a tiny part of my rage has remained and has been building on itself for eight years now. Now every single thing makes my skin crawl and my muscles clench. Every time he stomps across the floor, every time he clears his throat, every time he shouts into the phone, yells, or even speaks, I hate him a little bit more.

It's times like these that I wish I had a punching bag. Anyone I know outside my family would probably be surprised to see me in such a state. I'm usually cheerful, easy-going, even shy. I'm accepting and non-confrontational. I don't mean to make myself out to be some kind of saint, I just mean that I'm not violent and to have one person bring out so much anger in me is irritating to me and probably would be very shocking to anyone else. I wonder, if I told Chris how mad I got about my stepfather, if he would really believe me. Probably not. Not me, kitten; I'm harmless.

I wonder if my family would believe the way I am with my friends, at work or even just with my brothers. I'm a happy person when I'm not at home. Come on summer! Get here so I can move out! Fill up my bank account with money because I'm on my way to murder at this rate!

9:28 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Bizzaro!
Current mood: contemplative

So I get to meet Chris' father this weekend. Possibly his older sister too. He's warned me that his sister is very blunt. It makes me nervous about what kind of things she might ask me. I'm not very good at conversation. Gah! I'm meeting his parent! That's a big deal, right? I don't really date much so I don't know.

I also went to hang out with Amanda last weekend for her 19th birthday. That was lame. She promised me bars and booze, and instead she went to bed at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock!!! Man, was I ever annoyed.

I would have rather gone to Chris' on Saturday and my Aunt's birthday on Sunday. I know I would have had a good time there. Instead I watched about eight movies and the most interesting thing I can say I did was go out for breakfast and get sick later on.

Turns out it was probably a urinary tract infection, and not entirely the breakfast that made me sick, but whatever. Sickness is gone now. I no longer feel like I have to pee every two minutes (literally) so I suppose I'm okay now.

This April I may be moving into a house with Amanda. Except that sometimes I'm looking forward to it and other times I don't know if it will be good for me. The thing about Amanda is that whenever I'm around her she pretty much just runs my life. I'm afriad that living with Amanda, to put it bluntly, will be absolute torture.

I hate that I let her control me. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death and she's my best friend but sometimes I really can't stand her. She doesn't like my clothes so she dresses me up in hers. She doesn't like my hair so she plays with that too. She doesn't like my face so she slathers it with makeup, and I put up with it. And of course every makeover ends with some unknowingly biting comment like "There, NOW you look good." Like being myself just isn't good enough. When we hang around her friends I'm forbidden to talk about anything that interests me. And if I do, even if who I'm talking to is really into it, she'll roll her eyes, shake her head, say something hurtful.

She took me out one time and her guy friend asked over the phone if I was hot. Her answer was "Well...she's...you know, I wouldn't hang out with ugly people." Thanks for the vote of confidence, babe.

I don't mean to make her out to be a bitch. That's not my intention at all. She's been my best friend for 12 years and most of the time she's really amazing. If it weren't for Amanda I literally wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. I suppose now there's Chris, but when he leaves it will just be me and Amanda again. Some people might tell me to ditch her, but I jsut don't want to. I can't. Maybe I'm too clingy.

Oh whatever. My whole point to this rant was to provide some information for that big question. Would moving in with Amanda make me more of a doormat, or would it be good for me to try and assert my independance with her? Should I move away in April. If I want to it's a sure thing. But on the other hand, I could just wait another couple months like I'd originally intended, find a different roommate and get a nice apartment in Hamilton, probably for the same price, but with no one telling me what to do.

I am conflicted.

Real life is really bizarre.

5:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It's like real and stuff
Current mood: content

Kevin came and went. It was a fun time. It's rare that you can find a person that you really feel comfortable enough around to just be yourself. Kevin was like that with me. I want to replace both my brothers with him.

What do you think Kev-o? Wanna be my substitute brother?

The last day he was here was a sad one. I wouldn't have cried the whole way home if he hadn't come after me to tell me how much he appreciated my friendship. Jerk.

I wear my necklace every day. How about you kid?

Well. Things are going good. I guess my horoscope was right for once.

My perfect man now belongs to me. I've sunk my claws into him, and for a while I think I could be happy.

It's just too bad that five minutes after he asked me to come over to his place he told me that in April he is moving to London...England. He made my day and then stomped all over my poor heart.

I guess this is what real life is like. You can't have something good without taking the bad as well. I know I probably shouldn't get myself into a relationship with him when there's a deadline, but I can't help myself. I've wanted him since the first time I laid eyes on him and now that I've got him I don't intent to let go until I absolutely have to.

It's depressing when I think about it, but I figure I'll just enjoy what time I have, have some fun and try to actually believe that old adage that's there's "other fish in the sea". What a stupid saying. How am I ever going to find someone as pretty as him that doesn't make me feel bad about being such a dork?

Oh well. Maybe if I'm really lucky some miracle will happen between now and April and I'll get to spend more time with him.

4:50 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It's my birthday, I can cry if I want to
Current mood: depressed

I feel like shit.

Someday when I look back at my life, I know I'm going to have a lot of regrets. That scares the crap out of me. I'm nineteen and already I regret so many things.

I regret that I never finished high school and, let's be honest, maybe I never will.

I regret that I wasn't more outgoing, that I didn't build up friendships when I was in school and there were hundreds of my peers just milling about. Making friends would have been easy in high school. All I had to do was open myself up a little bit. Why didn't I make the effort?

Now I'm all alone again. The only friend I have in the world lives in Mississauga. The only people I can get to go out with me are my brothers, and even then I have to beg and bribe them.

I'm nineteen, it's my birthday and the only thing I have to look forward to is mushy meatloaf, oversweet chocolate cake, and maybe a movie with my dad. When you're nineteen you're supposed to have a huge party. You're supposed to get a shitload of you friends together and get piss-faced. This is supposed to be planned ahead for months. It's like a coming-of-age ceremony, it's a stepping stone to adulthood. It's like getting you driver's license, buying your first lottery ticket. It's toking up for the first time, getting drunk for the first time, getting kissed for the first time. It's one of those times where everything should be going my way.

Instead I shut myself up in my room and cried.

If I ever have kids and, when they turned nineteen, they ask me what I did for the first day that I was ever legally allowed to drink, all I'll have to say to them is "I ate some mushy meatloaf," and then I'd get depressed all over again.

I get paid tomorrow. I think I'll blow my whole paycheque on making myself feel better.

God I wish I could get drunk.

4:44 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Finally legal and I have no idea what to do about it.
Current mood: lonely

So...I'm nineteen now. It kinda feels the same as being eighteen.

I can now walk into the beer store and buy shit and all I have to do is flash my perfectly legal ID.

It's my birthday, and I have nothing to do. I kinda want to get out of here before the people start calling and inconsideratly waking me up in the middle of the day. Bastards.

I wish I had money, but I don't get paid until tomorrow. So I'm broke for my birthday. I can't treat myself. For some reason that makes me kinda depressed. I got some manga from my mom. It was pretty good.

My dad got me a portable DVD player for my Christmas/Birthday present. Now all I need are some DVDs I haven't seen a hundred times.

Anyway. I went to work last night and forgot which way the door opened. I was so focused on saying something cool to him when he unlocked the door for me, I just forgot to pull instead of push. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot in front of you just about always. You'll never like anyone as dumb as me. It makes me sad to think about it, but I guess I'll just have to be content to dream.

I love your smile and the way it makes my knees feel weak and my toes tingle, and somehow I feel like I can smile then too, for real. I'm not just being my usual goofy self to cover up the lonliness.

Blah, blah, blah, ... yeah, but I wish you were my shadow.

7:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment