I wanted to share this because to me it made sense. Last night I as I prayed, I found myself asking God to Help me… I would think of my issue or concern and ask for help be it with my daughter, my home, my prayer life… Anything that came into my mind I immediately asked help me. When one word came into my head empower. Now before I go any further let me share the text book definition.
em·pow·er 1 : to give official authority or legal power to <empowered her attorney to act on her behalf> 2 :
enable 1a 3 : to promote the self-actualization or influence of empowering women — Ron Hansen>
Which to me makes a lot of sense, in thinking how many times do we ask GOD to bail us out of a situation before we say GOD can you please show me how to never get in this situation again so I don't have to ask you how to get out of it. Can you empower me so that I can stay away from this of do it right if it is absolutely something I must go through. Now in saying this I am not saying that I would want for GOD to give us all power, for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations. Psalms 22:28 NIV But he did leave us with the comforter and poewr of Himself being the Holy spirit which is out empowerment to do HIS will. And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever. John 14:16 KJV We have to activate that in our lives. It's like this to me this isn't biblical but it makes sense Chinese Proverb; Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. This is pretty much what God did for us when he left us with HIS holy Spirit within us.
2 Corinthians 13:14 NIV - May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the HolySpirit be with you all.
I just started working on graphics about 2 months ago. Today's date is 8-26-2008. I am determined to be one of the best at it. I have a great passion to create and design. So YHWH (GOD) willing my dreams will come true and come to past.
It's very important that you know that I just started. It may be awhile before I start taking on paid projects. You'll noticed that I have designed Cd covers of secular recording artist. I wasn't hired or asked to do these projects by the artist nor their record companies. The pictures of the artist were available online as renders, so I took it upon myself to create flyers and CD covers (Basically these are just experiments). I do not, I repeat, I do not promote or recommend music from these artist. I am a fan of GODLY/POSITIVE music. Therefore I have a limit of what I will work on or not. An artist with integrity. ( I will not design Cd Covers that promote Sex, Violence, or any Criminal activity.)
Also, if you hear instrumentals on my page that you are interested in purchasing please get at me. They are produced and arranged by me. These beats are sample free (meaning you don't have to get sample clearance). Once you purchase the beat from me you have the right to use for promotional, radio, profit, or any other commercial reason. Once again I don't condone selling my beats to secular artist who tend to defile music and use it for carnal gain. I will research and check on you before I sell you a beat. -Shalom-
I just wanted to go on record with this, as I am usually not one to keep any secrets. So to set the record straight I will say that yes I had attempted to see a couple women in the recent past. To no avail as my heart was not in it. And if any of the two of you are reading this I sincerely apologize. I cannot make myself be happy when I have doubt in my heart. I really tried to convince myself otherwise but the more I did the more I regretted what I was doing. I only pray that one day you can truly forgive me.
Now moving forward, have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you have just given up? Well this is where I was as far as I was concerned I was ready to stop the even trying to see anyone game. It was just going to be me and Arnesha. Even though the thought of that was despairing to me, I knew that I couldn't just up and marry someone because I was lonely or because Arnesha wanted a mother, or because I was going to hurt someone if I didn't.
Unfortunately I had come to the conclusion that HEY I too need to be happy and I also need to have no doubt about the one that I am with. I mean after all I didn't have any doubt that I wanted to marry Latrice. So why should I have doubt now? And again I tried to fight it I was like well maybe I am living in a fairy tale. I mean you can't expect everything to be perfect Right? Wrong, again I wasn't happy and it wouldn't have worked out. In one case I found myself being mean to the person for no good reason at all. It was as if I was just bitter for no reason, and in another case I was just in a constant state of sadness. Like all I wanted to do was be with Latrice again.
I think I did most of my crying during that time. I also found myself messing with other women. And here I am supposed to be a Christian. In both cases it was terrible to have to break it off. In the end I looked like a liar, because I thought I could build off something that wasn't there. I truly have to say if there was ever a point in my life that I looked like a coward this was it. I couldn't even face them. I truly was a jerk. If I could take back what I did I would. It was also at this time that I had my most doubt. I mean people telling me left and right God has a purpose, and there has to be some good in this.
I really couldn't see it at the time I mean I had major questions. I mean if it's so good then why is my daughter not going to have her mother there when she graduates High school, and why am I slipping back into a state of fornication, and why is her family split from this? I mean just question after question. So back to giving up I had given up. I was ready to do this alone. And it was then that I was reminded that I don't have to do this alone. I was reminded by 2 Chronicles 20:15 Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's. And I admit I still have some questions but for once in the entire time that my wife had pass I began to feel some peace.
I look back and I see through this time that even though I was unfaithful God is yet faithful. He has been carrying my daughter and I. I haven't had a job now for nearly four months and yet he has sustained us, and I praise Him for that. Now to the biggest thing that has happened in my life. Let me first say that Latrice will always be the Biggest part of my daughter's life and my life. I have had people tell me you should stop torturing yourself and let her rest. Well if remembering my First great love is torture then bring it on, I will never let myself forget what God gave me when he put her in my life.
I know His word to be true Proverbs 18:22 says The man who finds a wife finds a treasure and receives favor from the LORD. And Latrice was truly a treasure. I can say that it is because of her that not only did I find my way back to GOD, but so did my mom and my Dad. Now as far as letting her rest? Come on now we all know that nothing I do here on earth is going to interrupt her rest with the Father. Anyway I will always love her she will always be in my heart and that is how it will always be. Ok sorry for rambling on to why I decided to write this blog in the first place.
No more secrets, So I had given up and I was ready to do the solo thing be the single parent (I applaud all single parents out there) Yuck this was going to suck. When Out of the blue I get a friend request from someone. And her picture immediately caught my eye, I didn't think twice about it. I just thought she is cute. So anyway I sent her a thank you for adding me feel free to holla at me anytime, which is what I try to do sometime because I like to hear from people and hear what they think of my music and blah, blah, blah. But as we began to IM and text I noticed that we had a whole lot in common, it was rather uncanny to be honest with you. But there was a catch I was ready to give up, and she had been hurt in the past and she had given up on love and had up a brick wall and hated love… you know all that good stuff…. Lol
And me I was just plain not wanting to hurt anyone. So basically we didn't want anything for either person. No commitment was our thing we would just be friends and keep it at that. But the more I talked to her the more I liked her. I was very worried, because looking at my track record recently I had hurt two girls and well you know how the saying goes what goes around comes around. And here I was standing in line to get stabbed in the heart. Another thing that sticks out to me is I had actually IM'd when I had broke up with the last person and she said to me that the next person I would be with would be the one she said that she was like Good luck Chuck.
If any of you have seen the movie it's a bit raunchy. Anyway she was like that in the sense of so far most people that she has said that to end up getting married to the next person. And without even second guessing it, I thought to myself well if she is Chuck… Dane Cook's character then maybe I could be like Jessica Alba's Character… I know that is Lame but it is what it is and that is what I thought. So a little later after a couple weeks of talking and IM'ing I brought it up again. She was surprised that I remembered.
But it seemed somewhat important to me which is why I did, because it was at this point that I was starting to like her. It was there that I told her I really like her. But in essence it was also like a revelation to me. It dawned on me, that even though like is so small it is necessary. It's like walking you have to crawl before you can walk. And you have to like before you can love. Well we started off crawling, and that progressed, to Love. I honestly have to say that it seems like a light is shining in my once darkened by pain world and heart. I truly am in love again. And She loves me too this I am sure of. I can say that I believe that I have obtained favor with God again and that I have found a treasure in Mindy.
So Mindy if you are reading this I want you know that even though it has been a short time and that there are numerous reasons that you should doubt me. I love you with all of my heart and being. And one day I would like to Share my life with you. that is how I feel and You are no longer a secret in my life but a light that shines in my heart.
My wife my love my friend, Happy Birthday. Today you would be 32 . And I still miss you. I know that you are in heaven there is no doubt about that. You truly lived your for Christ. But yet I Still can't help but cry at times, knowing that your daughter won't have you here as she grows and when she graduates High school and beyond. I really do miss you and I can't help but feel selfish at times and wish I could have you back. Since you have passed I no longer wish to travel back in time. I used to wish it. but I know that I couldn't stand to see you again only to lose you again. I can only do what I must and I pray that when my time comes I hear job well done my good and faithful soldier. And that I will see you again along with our Pastor and my Grandma and Grandpa and a host of others that have trusted in Christ along the way. In closing I just want you to know that I still love you with all that am and all that I will be. Part of you is still with me and Arnesha is another part of you that is still with me. You are my world and I know that part of me was lost when you went home to be with our Father. I Will love now and forever. Happy Birthday.
