i'm having a little tiny moment of clairty. it's made me quite angry. it feels different, it's fall. liz reminded me of it. the weather always changes around my birthday. and it did. and catastrophe follows it, and it did.
and who remembered?
nothing in particular, and i'm really quite fine, but it's worse picking apart and analyzing than believing what you've been told in the past. because it was true in the past, does it mean it still is, or was that just the situation then, and now, it's something different, but since it's not discussed, how the fuck do you know?
you don't.
this is where faith comes in. perhaps why i am not a more religious person. perhaps why i sometimes end here, twitching my eyelids and feeling the impending sense of doom, or change, or allergies. i don't really know which.
i have made peace with my hair. there are times where i even quite like it. there are times when i do quite like myself, and times when i listen to that song by the cribs, 'be safe,' and even in that liking, begin the line of questioning all over again.
damn. i sure don't have any of the answers. i hate you, myspace.
i'm listening to my cat destroy my dining room chairs. 40 year old chromcraft black. little snaps and pops from crooked claws. i'm listening to eric mow the lawn, my child babbling incessantly to her baby doll up in her crib. the clicking on the keys, the window to the web, carelessly flicking through this and that, wondering where my wishes were.
it's where you place your focus, your energy. i'm powered down sometimes and it leaves me vulnerable. perhaps liking my feet in two boats. maybe i hate that vulnerability. i identify with the aggressor.
the breeze would be nice up my skirt. scented from grass and rain and maybe i could not be more pleased. maybe i could be the saint, the sinner, i just don't know where i would place myself. i would, however, look at that same sunset and go over that bridge, and have that sense, and then come home to an hour's worth of traffic and not even realize what i'd felt until long after i was awake the next day. i think i know sometimes. i just tell everyone but me.
Currently
listening
:
Modern Guilt
By
Beck
Release date: 2008-07-08
what picks you up from down unless it’s tricks, man.
Current mood: bubbly
tell me, do you remember ever getting this line: "just the tip..." haha. "c'mon baby, just the tip." that shit is hilarious. and you know what's so bad about it? it WORKED. you know you couldn't resist it. be honest, ladies.
and fuck you hurricane ike for ruining my birthday this year. it's not like having your birthday the day after the worst homeland tragedy wasn't bad enough. now you gotta go and keep my austin friends away and the rain bad enough for me not to even attempt my one eyed drunken driving. bastard.
i also went to try on boots today since i need some new ones, and my boot size has gone up a whole size. thanks, pregancy.
and good lord, i cut my hair again. i do this about once a year or two... i think it's going to be a great change, and i cut it all off, and then i hate it and wear a scarf or headband for months till it comes back. well, i did it. and i have not made peace with it. just don't make fun of me for it. in lieu of losing the weight i want to i tried a fast fix for a change and now, i am just so... grr...
i swore up and down that i wouldn't do that shit. oh well.
i am going to see the new kids on the block next month. i thought it would be hilarious. i thought it would be silly to go with my sister and our friend we grew up with across the street. so we got our tickets and they cost a boatload. i hope it's worth it. i had a dream last night about it that it sucked and i bet that's not going to remain just a dream for long... i'm a sucker for nostalgia. what can i say???
and i was telling eric i had dreams about my teeth falling out all the time. he said it wasn't a dream. sofunnyhaha. he said i broke more teeth than anyone he knew. maybe so. but at least i get that shit fixed. i broke half my front tooth off eating a waffle when the plate came back and hit my face. i broke a tooth on a cherry pit, one on a hard sprinkle... whatever. it happens. his jokes, not so funny...like the other day, i was looking at the tattoo on his chest, it's three roses with a banner going through them that says "betty grace" for, duh, betty, and i said, "oh, this rose is you, this one is me, and that one is betty." he said of the one that i said was representative of me, "yes, because it's the one that's completely detached." ba-dum-dum.
i have to just have a sense of humor about life. it's so all over the damn map. happy, sad, whatever. i'm kind of enjoying the nutty ride i've been on lately. the loudest crashes and the quietest secrets, all of it.
"what gives this mess some grace unless it's fiction?"
the hardest way to make an easy living
Current mood: salty
so, ok, i know i like to complain about my job sometimes but today was one of those hell/heaven days, where i couldn't decide till the very end of the night whether i was enjoying it or not...
i have to say i ended up thrilled to have been there today. it was the very last day, taping the finale for CMT's dallas cowboys cheerleaders making the team show. so, to have one last chance to romp around texas stadium was great... having shot there for four years now, i know so many people up there that i pretty much have free run of the stadium, and spent my night bouncing from the endzone and sidelines to the sponsor suite and back again. i get to chat up the cheerleaders AND hang out in their locker room (yes, boys, WHILE they are getting dressed!). i got to have my picture taken on the star at the 50-yard line. i get such amazing access that people only dream of and i guess i should learn not to take any of it for granted, not even the tiny shredded tire bits that are all inside my shoes from the turf or weird stuff no one else gets to really do like counting the inhalant packets left all over the field from the players.
i appreciate the opportunities however big or small, and i really appreciate the people i work with sometimes. this crew is so close, it's so awesome how well we handle business as a group. and, it makes even the sweatiest, most exhausting days like today end on a high note... parading around on an empty field for the last time, dancing, taking silly videos and such... one last go... i'm lucky to have a pretty awesome job.
and we won! how cool is that?!? i don't even like football but there you go.
and now, i will shower, eat, and try and get some rest, since the mom hat goes back on when betty wakes up tomorrow morning at probably 7am. then it's off to the american girl store for a birthday brunch for my niece and other domesticated pleasures like buying a sink at lowes.
pete's purring is the only sound inside this whole house right now. i miss these moments, quiet, in the middle of the night, now they are so few and far between. i'll be tired tomorrow but i'll make it, and i'll be thankful, at least for now, for feeling this blessed.
you know our hearts beat time they’re waiting for something that’ll never arrive
Current mood: fervent
there are enviable things about being fashionable. about being thin, rich, happy, all that. i'm finding more and more lately that some of my expectations have been a little out of the ordinary. not normal. i'm finding patterns in myself that i hate to recognize, things pointed out to me that have been recurring themes my whole life.
so here's the thing: when you realize you have thought patterns you don't like, how do you fix it? i proposed this to my therapist, and she just stared at me like i should have had more to say... we butted heads a little bit this week, she called me out saying that i was telling her what i wanted her to hear, and that i wasn't talking about what was in my heart. and i told her, yes, i was, because what i was trying to do was curb thoughts in my head and tread ..ing on important things. that's the way i thought i should deal with it. consciously scold the unconscious. quit worrying about the what if's in life. focus on the now.
but apparently she thought she was getting nowhere with me, and maybe she wasn't. maybe i have hit an impasse with her. i don't know. but this is what i want to know: how do you stop?
i'm beginning to think therapy is bullshit. ssshhhh....
i don't want meds again. she wants to medicate me.
i was hoping to write something upbeat but this is pissing me off.
maybe bananas is a way of life. who's with me?
in a way, maybe a self image is something we can't change. maybe how harsh i am on myself is something that just is. and i just deal with it. i don't fucking know anymore. all i know is this: i am ok. not in the silly little my chemical romance "i realize i'm OK. trust me" kind of way. but seriously. i'm down. i am just weird about shit, always have been. always will be, and what the fuck ever if i can't figure it out.
a friend told me about how when you can't change something you can't give it all your energy. how true that is. so why fucking bother? i used to call that sweeping it under the rug. now, it just seems like the way to go.
so shit... therapy is a bitch. fuck the meds. i am not going there. and so what if i don't know what to do right now, or ever, about my wild ass mood swings? if dear doc can't help me then what am i talking to her for?
maybe having no answers is the answer. and if my therapist thinks the way i am trying to gear my life is bullshit then she should maybe walk in my shoes a bit. i don't know.
i have a lot of good things going on, and so i'm not worried about my well being.
i don't goddamn know.
who the fuck does anyway???
i do know i am working and making money! i do know that i'm working as a production coordinator which rocks! i do know that my kid is fucking rad. like, the raddest kid in the universe!!! she walks! she makes jokes! she says mama!
i tell ya what... yesterday she got her picture taken with the dallas cowboys cheerleaders for the second year in a row. last year she was 4 weeks old in the photo, and the girls couldn't believe how big she'd gotten. we went to go see the crew and judy pulled us in for a pic! it was so nice of her! yay! she's so sassy. she stood up there smiling like she was the star of the show. that kid's got some serious moxy. i have to watch out for that one...
holy cow, the only thing crappy about working is missing her. i have a two week gig going on right now, and so i'm going to be sad to not see her so much. but after this i have nothing lined up, so hopefully we can have some good adventures soon!
speaking of which my birthday is coming up and i really, really don't even care. i don't know if i'll even do anything. meh.
and if you made it this far i got a badass tattoo of a mom mermaid and a mer-monk. mer monk being betty... and it's gorgeous. i love it, it makes me think of my monk every time i see it. eric also got one, on his chest, roses with a betty grace banner. it's very old school too... betty likes to play the "ouch" game. she pokes you and when you say "ouch" she thinks it's funny. this is a pretty effective game on mommy's new tattoo. especially when it's on my leg, right in her line of sight. shit.
i went to see wolf parade again. i think it goes without saying that it was the best thing i'd seen in a very long time. my, how i love me some wolf parade. my my my. it was my mothers day present from eric, he gave me 2 tickets, so i took bet's second momma, marissa, with me. so betty's momma type people got a night out... then we hit club dada, post stag film... we missed our friends set but we still had a good time with bumper stickers. :)
blogging is stupid. i think i'm going to abort this mission and go old school again. bust out the old sketch pad from HS. take it up from there.
jeffrey ross cox, i must publicly thank you for kicking my ass. you always know when to do it and have every right to do it. and eric backs, thank you for also kicking my ass. even though i was a little fucked up at the time, i still heard the message. and tripp too... you spilled the gospel as well.
and so, they made me realize i was being wound and pouty. and i was forgetting to live today. and forgetting to see a lot of the fabulous things around me.
like betty, sitting in her giant oversized tee shirt and diaper next to me, playing with my old cell phone and the video camera charger, amazed at its shinyness and innumerable buttons. or the fact that when she looks at a picture in a picture frame, she always has to look behind it to see where the rest of you is. and charlie, the white savage, bent up behind my office chair flanking me with beautiful shoestrings of spit and gigantic paws. or my gladiolus, which have bloomed, and the fact that if i so choose, i could have one of those sweet, sweet naps with betty on my chest here in another hour or so.
i always said that if everyone in your life is telling you something and you don't believe them, they are probably right. and so, if your opinions are as such, i must concede that i have been a jackass. and a little bit annoying.
i tend to get stuck in the past and i tend to worry too much about what is coming ahead of me. and to that end, there's a lot to worry about and suffer for. but really, it makes me miss damn near everything that is here, that i should be dealing with. i sort of don't believe in choice (thanks arcade fire), or at least i'm not sure anymore, but i'm gonna try and apply this philosophy of the here and now and see if that makes me less of a bitch, less grumpy, less angsty.
and i'm really, really going to try and learn to play the ukulele properly.
Currently
listening
:
Man on the Roof
By
Stephen Fretwell
Release date: 2007-09-11
the parallel universe perhaps could be the perfect scene
d is for dangerous.
it's hot, and the smell outside and the sweat on the back of my neck smacks of the songs on the itunes, the shit bursting out of my speakers taking me right back. fucking summer and fucking heat, thighs sticking to the leather.
i heard the song that made me think of it. then i heard the song that he introduced me to. then i heard the song by the band i said sounded like where its inspiration came from. then i threw the fucking thing out the window. think "better off dead" a la john cusack. who, i deliriously love and could see myself marrying in real life.
no, so i didn't. i digress. i found out there was a dividing line of songs, in the music, from before it was hot and when it was cold, from this year and that, but it was all divided by the funeral, up by band of horses. when i realized that was the first thing to be mine again. summer is when it starts all over, when i started over again for the 4th time, when betty came, whenever everything swells on me it's summertime. fuck new years. it's june for me. happy new year to me.
the heat makes me cranky, it makes me itchy apparently. several people have called me itchy. whatever that means. maybe i need something new. i think i get complacent very easily. i need the new. i crave to be delicious, to throw down and to tear up, fall over and into the walls. the finer things. the tiny things.
it's hot and i can't even think. i went to the antiques roadshow even. and i missed the fucking feedback booth. and i was sad. betty would have been beautiful on camera. she was the only treasure i ended up leaving with but that's ok. i saw the keno twins and mark wahlberg and all the other zany appraisers. the old cranky guy appraised my ring. whee. and i got to meet all the other nutjobs there. it was full of nutjobs. fabulous!
tomorrow betty turns one. a year ago today i went into the hospital. i had no idea what to expect, and here i am in the new year again and i'm so glad she's here for her second go round with me.
ice cream makes my head feel light. that was rad.
one of these days i might just make sense. maybe, perhaps one of these days. or maybe not so much. whatever. it's too hot to even give a crap.
i was however many sheets to the wind on saturday and had the time of my life with my ladies!!! a complete rundown can't happen, not because it was debauchery to any awful degree, but because i can't quite remember...
first stop was mindi's to play with her edible daughter ella and to catch up a bit... then we checked in to the hotel downtown... we ate at romeo's in austin, which was fantastic and i held off on the drinkie because i knew if i got started that early i'd be crashed by midnight. so i waited... we went back to the hotel after dinner and got prepped, and then off we went...
we went to a club called the speakeasy, not really our kind of place but we were there for a reason... an 80s cover band. complete with metal hair and all... at first i wasn't sure i was getting drunk, so i kept slamming it all back... one... two... three... seven. and there i was...
soon we were dead in front of the stage dancing like maniacs and singing along. michelle talked to the singer and he pulled mindi on stage to sing her happy birthday... we smoked numerous cigarettes, kept asking where the cute boys were, and shut the place down.
the walk home was priceless... patrice and liz had enough of our antics and went ahead, while mindi, michelle, jenny and i wandered around, pulling up skirts, crashing on benches, into walls, i remember briefly talking to some people, chain smoking... i apparently was invited to "420" with some dudes at our hotel... it was so much fun.
we got back to the room and it gets very, very furry... i fell over trying to put on my pants, and jenny had to help me get them on. i did puke. but only once. and i made it to the toilet. and on my shirt. but that's ok, because then i just laid down on the edge of the bed and fell asleep. and stayed at the edge of the bed all night. and snuggled with michelle, who i dubbed snuggly mcsnuggle.
my body is so used to getting up at 7am with bets, so i was up and ready at 8am, even though i'd been up till 3am the night before. at least i got dibs on the bathroom... thank god starbucks was in the hotel, and thank god magnolia has such delicious hangover foods.
and thank god i have such amazing friends!!!
i needed that weekend, and betty was just fine without me. new liberties are calling!!!
it was good to be a person, to be lisa, and not mommy and wifey for a night. not that that's a bad thing to be, i love where i am, but sometimes it's just way rad to 'check out' for a while and just be.
and today i dealt with a teething baby and bought pink hair dye.
one i could handle, the other i am unsure of.
bets has two teeth and more coming, and if you've never dealt with this, prepare. babies are tough, they can't tell you what's wrong. and they expect you to figure it out. i have become that mom, the one that when she doesn't know what's wrong, she gives that dose of tylenol. wow. she's so beautiful though with her little toothies. and she loves brushing her teeth! yay!
i've been debating pinking up my blondies in the front for a while now. and i bought the stuff. but i'm not sure i could pull it off. i haven't ever had this internal debate, i usually just say 'fuck it' and do whatever. what's this that's going on? this is new...
oh, and are tick bites still supposed to be there a month later? ken-tick-y continues... crap. i hope i don't have the lyme disease. shit.
but, alas, we were gangsters saturday night. SO MUCH FUN. seriously.
if it’s ever gonna get any better, it’s gotta get worse for a day
saturday night will be my first night away from betty in her little one year of life. will i be drunk? YES, yes, of this i am sure.
i am going to austin for mindi's birthday (and liz's too, really, for that matter) with liz, michelle and patrice, and mindi and jenny will be there and i can't wait to have some lady time and to have my body as my own and to sleep through the night even if it's not much sleep at all... we're shacking up at a downtown hotel. we'll be playing like it was 1999. oh, 1999...
that shit was 9 years ago. i can barely believe it honestly. my dad's heart attack. the move to dallas. the bunny break up; it the worst pain in the world. they say the more you're hurt the more you get used to it. i don't think that's true at all. but it does pass, it always somehow does, and you move on and get on, and whatever.
this too shall pass.
i mean, even in ratatouille, the rats say you can't ever see what's ahead of you if you're always looking back, and it's of course the truth, but in looking back, it just makes you who you are, if only for your caution in handling life. maybe i am a timid little mouse. i don't think i am nearly as brave as i once was.
i've been jamming to some slightly old school music lately, lots of cure and morrissey and even shit like duran duran's 'come undone', and a-ha, and stuff i have vivid memories attached to, like the lyrics to letter to elise all on the back of my english book, pictures of you and the first night i tripped in christian's arms. i find it hard to believe some of my fondest memories are still those, things half a life ago. i am a sentimental fool. i crave the feeling sometimes of being at the power plant park in my lace dress with him, the desire i still had then after he'd hurt me, a desire that gets quenched in being jaded, time and years coating it in so many layers the sweet center is almost lost.
my memory almost stings. nothing should be that sharp. i remember too much, and i am still connected to each and every last little stinging barb. all of them. even ones you forgot about, like getting lost on the drunken way to white rock lake, listening to matthew sweet, after the show was cancelled, and it changed it all.
i don't know, things are turned still, and my sister always seems to tell me what i say sounds so depressing. i can say, however, that little miss sunshine, benedetta grace backs, could never allow me to have an existence i didn't care for. if everything else in my life fell away she'd still be there and her love and beauty are absolutely enough to tell me that every last push and pull is worth it.
having a kid is crazy. i still, a year later, have to say "she's a real person." and i can hardly believe it at all. she's funny. she squealed in delight when i came home yesterday. i couldn't believe what i saw in her. she's returning love now, and that feeling may just be stripping away some of the other bitterness brought on by things way before she was born. amazing how a little critter borne from such insanity is the thing, the only thing, that helps some days.
her, some amazing friends, zany ichat sessions, those little check in sessions, and one incredibly forgiving husband, and this one little thought: "i could resent it or appreciate it." the recipe for my sanity this summer.
austin, watch your socks. i hope to rock them off this weekend. i'm playing 23 again.
&hearts &hearts &hearts &hearts &hearts
Will you say when I'm gone away "My lover came to me and we'd lay In rooms unfamiliar but until now"
Will you say to them when I'm gone "I loved your son for his sturdy arms We both learned to cradle then live without"
Will you say when I'm gone away 'Your father's body was judgement day We both dove and rose to the riverside"
Will you say to me when I'm gone "Your face has faded but lingers on Because light strikes a deal with each coming night"
Currently
listening
:
The Broken String
By
Bishop Allen
Release date: 2007-07-24
