A single lamp washed the room with a soft dimmed yellow light. An evasive piano played catch with a mischievous trumpet in the background, telling a story of an impossible love. The soft silky linen caressed her pale complexion. She watched him as he was getting dressed, waited desperately for his recognition. He didn’t even glanced at her. He asked if she saw his keys. She did. They were right there on the dresser but she didn’t want to tell him. She wished for him to stay for just a little bit longer even when he got aggravated and said her apartment is always in such a mess. He went to the bathroom and her eyes started to tear up. She hated herself for loving him so much, for letting him stomp all over her. She knew what was going to happen next; he would get out of the bathroom, probably find his keys, give her his usual half a smile from way across the room, tell her how great she was and that he’ll call her soon. Then he’ll take off, leaving her to cry herself to sleep. Not tonight. Tonight, she wasn’t going to let him go. She had other plans for him. She got up and poured two more glasses from the half empty bottle. She hated whisky but she drank it. With him, she would do anything. The sound of the bathroom door opening startled her. She didn’t think she’d be so nervous but now, her heart was racing. She knew he wouldn’t say no to another drink. She handed him the drink with shaky hands. It was straight up, just how he liked it and he drank it all with one sip. They stood a minute in silence, standing just a few feet apart. She could see his confusion but just stood there, across from him, smiled tenderly and gazed in his eyes. He will never ignore her again, she thought. He collapsed on the floor, paralyzed and unable to speak. She lay down beside him, still with her tender smile. She lovingly stroked his hair and kissed him. He will never leave her again. She sipped from her drink. Soon, they would be together forever.
She fumbled for the doorknob in the dark entrance. A musty scent burst out as the wooden door screeched open. She dragged her feet across the rutting damped floor and tossed the wood into the sooty fireplace. Frozen, she gazed at the framed faces on the mantel; her grey shaggy image reflected from its dusty surfaces. Her lips twitched into a crooked smile as her eyes wandered to the basement door and she slowly began to drift towards it. She descended to the candlelit space. The familiar stench rose from the decaying bodies. Peacefully, she caressed her loved ones’ remains.
Facing the music
Current mood: anxious
Category: Friends
I've done something very stupid this weekend. I cave to a heart's desire despite my common sense and a set of –what I thought to be- strong moral principles.
I always tend to think that people are always in control, that even when a people are "under the influence" they can still stop themselves before they do something foolish. Oh… how wrong I was…
It's not that I'm so righteous or never done something like that but I have always taken responsibility for it and repented until I though I was mature enough not to do it again. You guessed it… how wrong was I???
Thinking about it now however, makes me understand something. The things that we truly want are unstoppable. Our inner most burning desires cannot go overlooked, and everyday we don't satisfy them we die a little.
That's not to say that we should develop an anarchist behavior and do what ever we please. It just means that we are attracted to things we want; the stronger the attraction the more we want it. Just telling yourself you will not act upon them for whatever reason does NOT make it go away… it just hides it under a blanket of comfort. When the opportunity arrives, and it does tends to do so, it would overcome you and pay you back for all the time you tried to overcome it.
I did something I probably shouldn't have this weekend and I believe I've hurt someone I love. In about half an hour I'll be facing the music and owning up to my actions. It won't make it go away but it will make it clearer – for all sides – and I think KNOWING, even at the risk of hurting, is better than speculating.
I feel like I'm scum of the earth, but at least I'm honest – I don't want to build any walls of silence with anyone, especially a friend.
A Drunken Pondering
Current mood: virginal
Category: Waht the hell... Friends
I'm just sitting here… having a drink, and this thought comes in to my mind…
Why are we doing this? Why do we even bother….
Of course, to understand what I'm even talking about you'll have to get at least as (half) wasted as I am right now…. But, let me fill you in. what I mean is… Why do we constantly look for companionship? Why do we want to establish new social relationship with others?
I left my homeland thinking I had weak enough social connections to "my people", meaning, my fellow countrymen… and women, and strong enough connections with the people I thought would stay in my life forever…
So now I'm in a bit of a predicament…
I'm making new friend on a default… I mean, how can you NOT make friend when you find people that you like; further more, how can you ignore the feeling that the fact that you made a life-changing decision made you find them?
I really don't have answers to a lot of things but I AM certain on one thing, and that is: If you listen to your heart… good things are bound to happen. Sometimes it takes them longer to appear, but life has us all planned out and we don't really realize that until something good happens and makes us feel like we're on the right track.
Take care, I LOVE you for stopping by and I would LOVE you even more if you leave a comment
Minor Setbacks
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
Often times I encounter a relief, which comes with emptying my trash, emotional trash that is. Only after I dispose of something I held for dear life I discover how much space it took in my mind. That makes me (re)wonder: how much useless and harmful stuff does a person keep, and what is the purpose of this massive hoarding.
Let's say a person wants to achieve something big in a lifetime, how focus should that person be on the Tomorrow instead of the Yesterday? Exactly how possessive, if at all, should we be about "things"? If we define ourselves by what we have to show, are we nothing without it? What is the main thing that makes us tick?
There are so many thoughts clogging our true inner voice that it's almost impossible to find any sense of direction. Every once in a while, however, comes a moment of clarity that allows us a glimpse of our true calling. Life is all about the ups and downs; we never learn when we're up, only when we're at the bottom choosing once more to climb yet another mountain.
It's ironic though that we sometimes see clearly into the horizon not only when we're at the top but also when we're at the bottom, just as we decide it's worth the trouble. Doesn't that make bottom the top, in a way? Moreover, if that is so are we really ever low or are we never really at the top?
Every second... 5 people are born and 2 people die, a net gain of 3 people.
At this rate, the world population will double every 40 years and would be 12 billion in 40 years, 24 billion in 80 years, and more than 48 billion in 120 years
Half the world's population earns about 5% of the world's wealth.
About 27% of food in developed countries are wasted each year. It's simply thrown away.
Almost1,2 billion people are underfed - the same number of people that are overweight to the point of obesity.
Want to do something about it?
1. Donateeven $10... I promise you you will not lose a beat over it!
The Gospel by Lilac A (Plus illustration)
Current mood: good
I would hardly call my self a religious person; I do however, hold a great amount of faith. There is an old Jewish saying that – in a very free translation – goes something like :"All is sealed and the permission is granted. Basically, the saying is self contradicting: how can there be permission to do anything when the situation is already sealed?
Signs appear before us all the time in different shapes and form. They could be a saying on a T-shirt, an accidental sneak-peek at a horoscope, an offer to go somewhere you wouldn't usually go, a reoccurring theme, a "weird" coincident, and pretty much any thing that grabs our attention even for a split second. For example when notice a book which later on we are asked if we saw it – that was the reason why we we noticed it in the first place.
Take a moment to pay attention to those little miracles, especially if you're down or just looking for direction because there is a "bigger plan" for everyone and all of us. In the book example where we served as messengers to someone else; there was something in our being that somehow knew that the location of that book would soon be needed by someone else. Life is just so delicate and complex that we never know where help would appear and what form it would take. If we took a moment to consider how many individuals roam this planet, we would see that there are infinite possibilities if only there were someone to pursue them.
If it lives in our minds why not in our reality?
we can do anything we want! If it exists in our mind it exists in reality – the only thing we need to do is search for the loopholes through which we can escape the narrow-minded routine most of us live in and harness the invisible forces of the universe to our benefit. YES – "they" might call us idiots, but what does life worth if we won't try to chase our highest dreams and desires? The key phrase here is this: If we don't know where we are going we are just going in circles. It may seems like the scenery is changing but its really the same roads and the same type of people/ situations in variations.
How do we determine what is best for us?
There is a great difference between what we need and what we want, however, sometimes what is best for us is to chase something that is not good for us. The experience we gain, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant far exceed in its significant the result. Results would come regardless to what we do; we can do our very best and face poor results and we can hardly try and witness spectacular outcomes.
Still, how do we know what's right?
It's only when we take a closer look at ourselves that we manage to find answers. If we are a part of the universe, by simple calculation it means that the universe is a part of us thereby the answers must be within us. Deciding to ignore the right answers is absolutely allowed; it would only contribute to our growth. We learn much better the hard way because unpleasant memories posses stronger abilities to haunt us and intimidate us from repeating the same mistakes. Nonetheless, sometimes the problem is so deep it takes many wrong turns along the road to finally get it right.
Don't settle for less, invent yourself, Cut yourself out of the still picture. Be brave to go against the flow. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose – the same things in different shapes would still be waiting for you if you fail but what you might gain will make all the difference.
Carrying the Might of Thousands (revived) --- or --- My September 11
Current mood: not sure...
Category: not sure... Life
Abrupt showers intermittently trickled down, leaving the air of the last few luminous days of September humid and unpleasantly cold; however, nothing could dampen my mode during those days when I dwelled in the Big Apple for an unforgettable summer. Seeking to impose on myself the life of an unemployed New Yorker, I sought out refuge in the shadow of the copper-coated studious sentinel; its fortifying flames of valor and fortitude illuminated my endeavor to find independence. New York has captivated me with its complexity, its humanity, and its feisty free spirit. Breathing deep into a spacious green core, the chaotic urban kept itself peaceful and centered, while an intricate web of underground trains rhythmically pulsed, under a rough concrete skin, meeting in Times Square Station on 42nd street, in the heart of the city that never stops.
It was not where city's heart laid, that my life had changed forever, but where its brain laid – in the Financial District. During the most retched Tuesday America had ever known, I witness, first hand, the wound, which ripped open in the early morning, and watched it bleed to death by afternoon. It took me a few years to comprehend the extent of that day's impact on me; the death of thousands of individuals seemed inconceivable and surreal, as did the scenario forecasting planes crushing into the towers of the World Trade Center, or the even more implausible scenario, in which those buildings collapse.
Coming from Israel, a country where terrorist bombing unfortunately became a routine for a while, I might be expected to have experienced with these situations; however, the attacks on the WTC were my only close encounter with terrorism, and I was surprised to meet with it on foreign soil.
On that particular Tuesday, I volunteered to help a friend who owned a deli across the street from the Amex building; the corner deli was located about half a block from the North Tower, which was visible from the store's glass walls. I got there around 7am and immediately rolled up my sleeves to help at the deliveries counter, answering phone and taking orders. At 8:48am, I was on the phone with Su, a representative of one of the WTC accounts, flour 36. She was giving me her order when a deafening jet sound sliced the air, peaking to an unnatural sickening crush, like a sound of a thousand mirrors shattering. For a period of 5 seconds, which felt as if it lasted for hours, everyone froze at the spot. Puzzled looks reflected from every face in sight as fingers began to point upward. After a moment of silent, realizing I was still holding the phone receiver, I heard Su say, "Uh..." and hang up.
In the split second that it takes the human consciousness to acknowledge that a horrifying event had occurred, the conventions of life are shaken to the core which result in a crystallized moment of clarity. That day there were no country borders, no rivalries, no employees and managers – for me, as I imagine to many others, the thin lines, which held the human society in hierarchy and order had faded into the irrational image of the twenty-floors-high crater that gorged the North Tower. While all eyes around the globe focused on the smoking towers, the hearts of millions synchronized in a joint hope for the well-being of the buildings' inhabitants. The events of that day continuously grinded logic to thin dust; while in the morning hell seemed to open up its gates at the top of the buildings, by the afternoon the buildings were gone, and with them, the lives of thousands.
I cannot honestly point out what made me stay in that war zone until 10pm that evening; the only thought in my head was "I want to help – there must be something I can do". My friend, the owner of the deli, must have felt the same way: While the first responders evacuated the buildings and practically chased all civilians out of harm's way, we remained either inside the store or in its close vicinity. As it turned out, while the area lost all cell phone reception, the store's delivery phone station became a matter national necessity. Throughout that day, we served the firefighters and police officers with food, drinks, telephone service, and comfort. I was proud to stand among the bravest of the brave, a common person among urban heroes. I still wonder why they did not sent us home as they did with all other civilians. I imagine their reasoning was that unlike others – we were not hysterical, but rather calm and confident in our right and duty to be present on the scene. I'm sure though that the main reason for allowing us to stay was because we provided a lifeline to a higher chain of command and a form of compassion that was essential in the midst of what felt like the beginning of a third world war.
Walking out of what would be later known as Ground Zero at 10pm on September 11 of 2001, I was a shell of a person, a gust covered with etching asbestos powder, wandering home uptown on the number 3 train, surrounded by indifferent faces in the vast labyrinth of the underground railways. Until this very day, I am tormented with thoughts and images of free falling as the floor crumbles beneath, suffocating in a dense cloud of pulverized concrete, or tossing into certain death in order to escape an unimaginable horror. Even six years later, the magnitude of the tragedy is simply impossible to comprehend. The overwhelming experience had barricaded itself in my mind behind thick walls of silent emotions; I would not possibly know how to begin telling the tale in full length.
Although it is hard to make out something positive from this horrific event, I believe it is the difficult and unpleasant experiences in life, which help forge one's personality the most. I treasure those moments I had in Ground Zero. I feel as if my life had somehow untangled, during those events, along with the deaths of those who took their last breath under the smoking rabbles.
The events of that day entwined my fate with the fate of the lost American lives whom I have carried with me; ever since the day, I have been haunted with a sense of mission I could not describe until recently. My greatest aspiration is to make a significant difference in the way individuals view others in fellow nations, and to join other individuals around the globe who are seeking to stop monstrosities such as hunger, genocide, and terrorism. I believe all differences, whether they are based on ethnicity, race, tradition, language, or land, lose strength in the face of cruel and unnecessary loss of life. I believe now that in order to unite humanity there is a crucial need to bond over a common ground – the right of all individuals to live free and unthreatened. Therefore, I made it my cause to educate myself on the different cultures, languages, and traditions, so that in my own individual way I might aid in reversing the world's many misfortunes.
inspired
anxious
virginal
breezy
contemplative
bouncy
electric
amused
focused
good
