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Short Summer Break 2008
Current mood:  exhausted
Category: Travel and Places
SHORT SUMMER BREAK 2008
We'll never forget our Orlando holiday in August, 1997. We turned on the TV one morning and discovered that the paparazzi had run Diana's car off the road and killed her. We sat in our bedclothes watching the news footage and wondered if it would be a 'where were you when' moment. Years later, we were able to see that it was. All day, because we were English, people wanted to talk to us about Diana, as if we knew her!
And, here we are in America again. We wake up on Saturday, August 9th and discover that Bernie Mac has died, aged 50. Now, Bernie's unlikely to mean as much to as many as Diana, but he definitely held a special place is our hearts. We have the Def Jam Comedy DVDs and when I first saw the, "I ain't scared of you motherfuckers!" routine, my mouth fell open in awe. I had to rewind it over and over again. I have already sent it to all my buddies on Facebook. And then, when we saw 'The Kings Of Comedy' feature film, we realised what a special comedian he was: a show-closer, a show-stopper and a unique voice.
I was dropped at the airport by my cousin Jessica and her daughter – my god daughter - Alicia. They had a long list of things for me to buy and gave me cash. On their shopping list were various DVDs unavailable in the UK, many of which were by Tyler Perry. To each their own. Mr. Perry does not make me laugh. Not at all!
The flight wasn't great. BA now have a movies-on-demand service, so you can watch as many as you like and start them whenever you like. I began watching 'Leatherheads' but fell asleep, but the first hour seemed good. Then, I began watching 'What Happens In Vegas', but it stopped after 30 and I had to start again and, once it was finished, I felt let down by a weak ending. In addition the little kid next to me kept farting, and then fell asleep on my shoulder! Yeah, great!
I was picked up at Philly Airport by my buddy Laura and driven straight down to Cape May on the New Jersey coast, Stopping - of course - for the customary goodies at Wawa. Any shop that allows you to go in and press buttons on a computer to design your own sandwich is okay with me! Wawa – I have learnt - means 'goose' in an American Indian language, I'm not sure which one.
Our destination was Laura's brother Joe's amazing beach house. We were greeted by Joe, his girlfriend Maria, cold Sol beer, big leather sofas and a huge HD TV. Luxury.
Cape May is a huge fishing town (although it is described as a city) but also a playground for well-to-do New Jersey, Philly and New York folk. In English terms, it reminded me of Hove or Bournemouth, and there were clearly a lot of elderly people who were happy to spend their last years there.
We took a short trip further up the coast to Wildwood and discovered a completely different world. Whereas Cape May was middle-to-upper class families, 'antique' shops, haute cuisine and a genteel lifestyle, Wildwood was loud, colourful and dripping with testosterone. The centre piece was this very long boardwalk, containing several piers, each containing theme park rides and water slides. I enjoyed Funnel Cake (thin strands of doughnut-style pastry covered in icing sugar) and bought some Salt Water Taffy (toffee). It was loud, brash and tacky and I loved it. Needless to say, I will be bringing the Wesker clan back there one day. It was not a European tourist destination. I was surrounded by mainly Americans and maybe a few Canadians. I felt like bursting into a Four Seasons song. It really felt authentically American.
One of the things I enjoyed most about this trip was just doing very American things with American people. Yeah, I know it sounds dumb but I'm a 'when in Rome' type person. So, I got real pleasure from just hanging with people and going where they go.
In typical gung-ho fashion, I headed to the beach without any protection for my skin and, as a result, burnt my legs to a crisp. It took me several days to recover and I had to keep applying soothing Aloe Vera Gel. My advice, folks, do not fuck with the sun!
From Cape May, we drove back to Boothwyn, which is a quiet, suburb of Philadelphia. Todd Rundgren was born nearby. The drive back was amazing. Vast stretches of farmland, greenery and an amazing array of houses, some folksy and quaint, some nouveau riche and opulent. Boothwyn would give me a chance to visit a mall and buy the stuff on my cousin's shopping list, but it would also give me the chance to meet Laura's new boyfriend and as well as her best friend of many years.
On Sunday night, we drove in the city to see my buddy Shelley Nicole Jefferson's band blackBushe. If a fusion of Mother's Finest and Labelle is your cup of tea, you will love blackBushe. She looked and sounded amazing! Check Shelley on my friend's page.
I've been to American malls before, so I knew what to expect and, fortunately, many of the locals were away with their kids, so it was quiet. Thus, it was spacious, clean and full of very tempting shops, but I kept to my shopping list. I don't need anything; jeez, I've got too much stuff already!
Shopping was followed by a leisurely lunch and, as being on holiday will cause you to eat too much, I ordered a salad but, as American portions are a law unto themselves, this huge platter arrived, enough to satisfy a herd of cows!
We then decided to take in a movie and, although the cinema was mostly showing 'family' films - as in, cartoons of talking animals - we did find the new Kevin Costner movie, 'Swing Vote': the highly improbable tale of the one guy who forgets to vote in an equal-tie election. Next thing he knows, the Republic president (Kelsey Grammar) and the Democratic challenger (Dennis Hopper) are down in his town trying to capture the vote that will decide the next president. A slightly silly story, as we know in reality the Republicans would 'lose' 1000 Democrat-voting ballot papers, but it really wasn't a bad movie, and actually a good comment about the current malaise affecting America. As in, even if you have two incomes in a family, you can still be struggling!
On Tuesday night, I got to meet Laura'a new boyfriend Joe, a really nice guy, an accountant, divorced, two kids, HUGE house complete with an amazing den for his kids, and clearly nuts about Laura. I also got to meet her best friend Doug and his girlfriend, who had just driven back from three days of Lollapalooza in Chicago. Doug took us to a very nice restaurant in the mushroom capital of the world and, although the menu contained yak, bisson and ostrich, I felt like eating Salmon.
On Wednesday morning, I caught an early flight to New York and, by midday, I was with my New York mother on West 86th Street. Miriam started out as a friend of a Turkish friend but, down the years, she has become my Manhattan mom and gets real upset if I don't stay with her.
My agenda for Wednesday was to hook up with two ladies in my MySpace Top Friends box, two women who have been making me laugh out loud for years. And, again, I got a chance to do something very American, something that New Yorkers take for granted. So, down to Penn(sylvania) Station and on to the LIRR (Long Island Rail Road). I took the train to Babylon (I kid you not), my destination: Amityville (yep, it really exists!)
There, I met up with Yaz, her sister Roxanne, her other sister Kim, her husband Mike and their two delightful kids. We went for dinner and I ordered a seafood linguine and, as six men brought in this plate the size of a football field, I knew it would take a gargantuan effort to eat this meal. After 30 minutes, I was halfway through it. Needless to say, it remained unfinished.
Yaz and I then took a train into the city and met up with Lisa. Mid-journey, I broke into a cold sweat: I hadn't informed my insurance company that I was meeting Yaz and Lisa. I wasn't covered for Accidental Death By Cocktails, Dirty Jokes & Unnecessary Cleavage!
Needless to say, I survived but it was a close call. The drinks flowed and the digital cameras came out. We laughed and snapped and drank WAY too much, which required a quick visit to McDonalds to mop up the liquid!
On Thursday afternoon, Miriam and I took a stroll around the neighbourhood. We wandered across to Broadway and began walking downtown. She took me into Zabars, a legendary grocery store/
delicatessen, with counters of delicious cheeses, cooked meats and salads, a dazzling array of coffee brands, and a selection of cheesecakes that almost (I said almost) made me part with a large amount of money.
Upstairs, they had kitchenware and cooking utensils, and the kind of fun, culinary gadgets that make great stocking fillers. It was very seductive (in an IKEA way) and made you want to flash your cash but - you know what? - I didn't spend a penny. I am tripping over stuff in my house. There's no room for anything. I cannot get excited about purchasing anything. The thought of buying a new house and having more space excites me enormously, but do I really need more 'stuff'? We are all spirits in a material world. We buy 'stuff' because we think it will cheer us up and/or make us look hot. Duh! Primitive thinking or what?
On Thursday night, I went to meet my family at LaGuardia airport. They were flying in from Jamaica. I suddenly realized I had never been north of 86th Street. How white am I? The bus to LGA took me through Harlem and I passed the legendary Apollo Theatre. Wanna know how much the neighbourhood has changed? KD Lang is playing at the Apollo this month!
Manhattan is always a spectacle. Life with the volume turned up to 11. Too much traffic, too much noise, too much colour, too many shops. The kids have been to Orlando three times but have never experienced the murky montage that is Manhattan. They arrived at Penn Station and we wandered upstairs to stand outside Madison Square Gardens. Katie - now a competitive cheerleader - was thrilled to see that cheerleading contests take place at the Garden.
Katie - a mere 11 years of age - then went into a Footstation, was delighted to find Pastry trainers and spent $220 on three pairs of trainers. Like mother like daughter. When she becomes a woman, her boyfriend will need to be bringing in big bucks!
Clarissa - far shrewder - then went into Payless and bought three pairs of shoes for $44. Hanging out with Jews is clearly rubbing off on her.
Finally got them back to their nearest stop - Locust Manor - and they kicked off their shoes after a hard day's shopping. While I ate leftover Chinese, I picked up a copy of Ebony. What the hell is wrong with that magazine? Wasn't it once an important part of the media? I read an article on Janet Jackson and almost brought my dinner up! How brown can a tongue get? They might as well have asked Janet's PR person to write it. At no point did it say that most of Janet's recent output sucks! Sad.
As I took the subway home, the platforms were full of drunks, beggars and seriously damaged people. The A train was a virtual sardine tin full of freaks. I love the city that never sleeps and - you'll be surprised to hear - I'm actually glad they removed the porn and peep shows from 42nd Street, but there's still a hell of a lot of cleaning to do!
On the Saturday before I left, our hosts held a BBQ in our honour, and even hired a mobile bar and three hunky barmen! The BBQ grills were also state of the art, and the chef cooked up chicken, ribs, hamburgers and lobster and, in honour of her English guests, made trifle for dessert. Yeah, I know we're spoiled! Unfortunately, our host had not made a suitable playlist for a family BBQ, and when the uncensored version of Khia's 'My Neck My Back' came on, I didn't know where to hide my face!
My holiday was too short. It would take me more than a year to properly visit every American state, so one week was pathetically insufficient time. Lindsay always has a good time wherever he goes. Do I look happy? I was.
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Continuum
By
John Mayer
Release date: 2008-04-08
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