Gender: Female
Status: Divorced
Age: 46
Sign: Cancer
City: Tucson and Connecticut, Bitches!
State: AZ
Country: US
Signup Date:
12/26/05
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Blog Archive
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Monday, April 14, 2008
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Foxwoods tickets now on sale!
Heads up! Special pre-sale tickets for my show on July 5th at Foxwoods are going on sale @ 10am! Follow this link to grab them before they're gone:
Musictoday
6:01 AM
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Thursday, September 13, 2007
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Queen of Mean Boston Tix on Sale Sat. + New Pix from Stern
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BOSTON FANS! YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED!
LISA LAMPANELLI COMING TO THE BERKLEE
PERFORMANCE HALL IN NOVEMBER.
. . . And you can get your tickets this Saturday at 10 a.m.!
Be among the first to reserve your seats for Lisa's
November 2nd show in Boston — her first appearance
in that city in over a year. To get your tickets
while you still can, go to
www.ticketmaster.com/event/01003F2CD4A8D730 .
This show is in a market where Lisa sells out extremely
quickly, so get your tickets Saturday!
INDIANAPOLIS, TRENTON, CINCINNATI, SAN ANTONIO
& NEW ORLEANS TICKETS GOING FAST!
Tickets for the following shows are also available and
selling like you-know-what, so reserve your seats now for:
November 3 — Patriots Theater at the War Memorial in Trenton, NJ
and
November 30 show — Taft Theater in Cincinnati, OH
by going to LiveNation.com .
And go to Lisa's Ticketmaster page
( www.ticketmaster.com/artist/909543 ) to reserve your seats for
the following shows:
December 1, Murat Center, Indianapolis, IN
December 7, Empire Center, San Antonio, TX
December 8, House of Blues, New Orleans, LA
These shows are Lisa's first appearances in most of
these cities, so get tickets for these sure-to-be-sold-out
events while you still can.
NEW PHOTOS FROM LISA'S HOWARD APPEARANCE
ARE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES!
As you loyal Sirius Satellite Radio listeners know, Lisa completely
crushed it on Howard Stern's radio show last Thursday. And she would
like to thank you for tuning in — and for the onslaught of fan mail
she read with great interest. Obviously, Lisa had a blast that day
at Howard — and all over the Sirius studios — and we've
got the pictures to prove it.
Just go to Lisa's picture section of her myspace page and check out some snaps from behind the scenes.
VANCOUVER, B.C., HERE SHE COMES!
Well, Vancouver — you asked for it, you got it!
After tons of fan mail requesting Lisa to appear in more
Canadian cities, Lisa has booked a show in Western Canada.
Mark your calendars for Wednesday, September 19, when the
Queen of Mean will be participating in Global ComedyFest at
the Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver, B.C. For tickets,
go to the festival's Ticketmaster page at
www.ticketmaster.com/artist/1151701 .
And for Lisa's entire schedule, go to www.InsultComic.com
GET IN THE LAMPANELLI LOOP!
Check out the News Feed in the right column of Lisa's
myspace page for up-to-date news and information.
While you're there, take a moment to sign up for Lisa's
Broadtexter so you can stay in the loop about
pre-sale info, on-sale dates and other news
RIGHT ON YOUR CELL!!!
For more information on Lisa, go to
her official website, www.InsultComic.com | ..>
7:02 AM
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Wednesday, August 29, 2007
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LISA ON STERN 9/6; NEW FAN CLUB NAME CHOSEN & MORE!
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HOWARD 100 IS THE PLACE TO BE NEXT THURSDAY!
THE QUEEN OF MEAN ON WITH THE KING OF ALL MEDIA, 9/6!
Hey, Sirius Satellite Radio listeners! Make sure you tune in to the Howard Stern radio show next Thursday, September 6th, at 8:30 a.m. EST when Lisa will make her first appearance on the show in more than three months. The Queen of Mean will have a lot of dish for Howard about her love life (or lack thereof), her week in rehab (no, NOT for drugs or racism), and her summer at a swanky health spa.
Lisa will also regale Howard with the jokes Comedy Central will never air from the recently taped Roast of Flavor Flav. And she'll preview some of the material she'll be using in October when she serves as roastmaster at the NY Friars Club Roast of Pat Cooper.
So be there: Howard 100, Thurs., 9/6, at 8:30 a.m. EST for a morning you'll never forget.
AND THE WINNER IS . . .
Well, it's official. The name of the official Lisa Lampanelli fan club has been chosen. Lisa's fan club will be called "The Lampa-Hooha's" (a nod to one of Lisa's most requested lines from her 2005 CD/DVD, "Take It Like a Man"). The chosen name was submitted by none other than Joni of FL, a Lisa groupie from way back, out of the 29 names she sent in over the past few weeks.
Joni, of course, will be Lisa's "Fan of the Month" for September/October, and will receive a free one-year membership to the club (a $30 value).
Lisa would like to thank all her fans for the more than 500 names submitted, some of which shocked even us.
Stay tuned to these mailings and to Lisa's myspace page (myspace.com/lisalampanelli) for details on becoming a "Lampa-Hooha" and the many benefits available to members, including private meet-and-greets, exclusive merchandise, a kick-ass welcome package from Lisa, fan conversations with the Queen of Mean herself, and fan-club-only web content.
VANCOUVER, B.C., HERE SHE COMES!
Well, Vancouver -- your wish is the Queen's command. After tons of fan mail requesting Lisa to appear in more Canadian cities, Lisa has booked a show in Western Canada. Mark your calendars for Wednesday, September 19, when the Queen of Mean will be participating in Global ComedyFest at the Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver, B.C. For tickets, go to the festival's Ticketmaster page at http://www.ticketmaster.com/artist/1151701 .
And for Lisa's entire schedule, go to www.InsultComic.com
PIX FROM WLLD 94.9 COMEDY JAM ON LISA'S MYSPACE PAGE!
Go to the pictures section of Lisa's myspace page, and check out the pix from the WLLD 94.9 Comedy Jam pre-party that Lisa hosted at Taste, the super-hot nightclub in San Jose, this past weekend. The Queen may not drink, dance, date or party, but she sure makes it look like she's having fun.
GET IN THE LAMPANELLI LOOP!
Check out the News Feed in the right column of Lisa's myspace page
for up-to-date news and information. While you're there, take a
moment to sign up for Lisa's Broadtexter so you can stay in the loop
about pre-sale info, on-sale dates and other news RIGHT ON YOUR
CELL!!!
For more information on Lisa, go to
her official website, www.InsultComic.com | ..>..>
4:54 PM
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Tuesday, August 21, 2007
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NEW MYSPACE VIDEO + 2ND SHOW ADDED AT FOXWOODS!
LISA'S NEW MYSPACE VIDEO . . . FINALLY!
Hope you guys enjoyed the "Comedy Central Roast
of Flavor Flav." Check out Lisa's video section of her
myspace page ( www.myspace.com/lisalampanelli ) for
footage from the premiere party as well as new photos
on her picture page. Also on that page, see a few
snaps from Lisa's upcoming Valentine's Day shoot
for Hustler magazine (No, folks — it's a
celebrity interview, NOT an all-nude layout. Sorry).
Still haven't caught the show? Might we suggest just leaving
your TV on Comedy Central. They run the thing just about every
other hour. We've also noticed that Comedy Central on
Comcast On Demand has several clips including clips of Lisa!
SECOND SHOW ADDED AT FOXWOODS RESORT CASINO IN CONNECTICUT!
The Queen of Mean is one popular beyotch, so there's been a
second show added at the Foxwoods Resort Casino in
Mashantucket, CT, on Saturday, September 8th. The 9 p.m.
show sold out so quickly, Lisa decided to add an 11:30 p.m.
show that same night. Get your tickets before that sells out
too by going to www.Foxwoods.com .
FAN CLUB
Thank you for all of your Fan Club name suggestions. We have
been sorting through them all week and can't believe the
response we have gotten. Looks as if the club is going to
be huge! So, we are giving you guys one last chance to name
THE FAN CLUB that will go down in history. All entries must
be submitted by Wednesday, August 22nd, at 11:59 p.m. To enter,
simply send your ideas to lisalampanellionline@gmail.com,
and include your full name and phone number. You may send
as many suggestions as you like. The winner will be chosen
by Lisa and her crew and will receive a FREE one-year membership
and be featured as the first "Fan of the Month"!
GET IN THE LAMPANELLI LOOP!
Check out the News Feed in the right column of Lisa's myspace page
for up-to-date news and information. While you're there, take a
moment to sign up for Lisa's Broadtexter so you can stay in the loop
about pre-sale info, on-sale dates and other news RIGHT ON YOUR
CELL!!!
For more information on Lisa, go to
her official website, www.InsultComic.com
8:36 PM
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13 Comments - 22 Kudos
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Thursday, April 26, 2007
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"Ask Lisa" v. 8 -- To Be Mean or NOT To Be Mean -- That Is the Question
Lisa,
I recently was diagnosed with Masochistic Personality Disorder. I am 24 years old and just now starting to realize what life is like being happy all the time. My question to you is: Would you take a lifelong prescription of "Happy Pills" just to be in a better place or would you say, "Fuck it -- I am who I am" and leave it be?
Signed,
Cunty in Kentucky
Dear Cunty,
First of all, I'm sorry for your troubles. Masochistic Personality Disorder is a traumatizing disease. When I googled it, it said the symptoms include being a pathetic loser, so you have my infinite sympathy. That being said, if a pill is gonna make you happy, I say, "Go for it." Life is short, so be as happy as you can. In fact, I speak from experience. I take a pill that makes ME happy. It's 10 inches long and I take it rectally -- I joke, it's administered vaginally and sometimes orally if the money's right. Sure, some people don't need drugs or sex for happiness. They have Jesus, Sodoku puzzles, or watch "Dancing with the Stars." So, in comparison to those things, your pills can't be that awful. One precaution, however: Remember that instant happiness is addicting. These pills are DRUGS. Your doctor is a dealer minus the tricked-out Escalade and pitbull. So make sure you don't lose your health insurance or you'll be piping the guy in the parking lot of the Walgreens for some "happiness".
5:56 AM
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
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"Ask Lisa" v. 7 -- Knocked Up in Da Hood
Dear Lisa,
I could really use your advice. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I'll be the first to admit that I should have done it a lot sooner. But here's the problem: I'm 11 weeks pregnant. I'm going to be staying with my parents in Oakland until I get on my feet, but it's just a really scary time for me. I'm only 21 years old and I've been pretty isolated most of my life since I've spent most of it in Northern California. My parents just moved to Oakland about eight months ago, which is when I started dating my boyfriend. So needless to say, I don't know much about city life. Do you have any advice you can give me?
Signed,
Knocked Up in Da Hood
Dear Knocked,
First of all, I can tell by your letter that you're scared. But you're in Oakland, baby! There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. In fact, if you're going to be a single mother anywhere in the United States, Oakland is the place to be. In fact, Oakland is the Single Mother Capital of America. Put it this way: if you live in Oakland and you're married, you're a freak. As a baby's mama, you'll fit right in.
If you're concerned about the practicalities of being a single mother, don't you worry about a thing, mama! California has more government programs than C-Span and every store in Oakland accepts food stamps and WIC checks. And if you're worried about cashing that pesky welfare check, DON'T! There's a check-cashing store on every corner and a liquor store beside it in case that money is burning a hole in your pocket.
On the recreational side, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that Oakland is the shiz-nit, as you crazy kids say. The sex in Oakland is legendary and easily had because every single man there has literally just gotten out of prison. RRRRR!!! Yummy.
And don't you worry about little Roscoe or Cletus falling under the wrong influence when he's growing up. Oakland is a safe place for children to romp about, due to the Neighborhood Watch Program, "Look Out for the Pigs," organized by local crack dealers throughout the city. Not that Junior will be forever friendless. In no time, he'll have a family all his own when he joins either the Crips or the Bloods (remember, the decision of who he runs with should be his and his alone).
Listen, Knocked! I know single motherhood sounds like a daunting responsibility. But chances are good you won't have to be a single mom for long. Eventually the state will take over raising little Lionel in one of its fine juvenile detention centers. And at that point, you're free at last, free at last to fish for a man in one of the rich Bay Area suburbs or jump ship onto the tunaboat for some lesbo love across the bridge in San Francisco, the City of Sisterly Love.
So, chin up, Knocked Up! Remember -- Life's what you make it. Ya heard?
11:59 PM
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Wednesday, March 07, 2007
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"Ask Lisa" v. 6 -- Jungle Fever in Minneapolis
Dear Queen of Mean,
How should I go about getting sexual with my roommate? We've been best friends for 15 years but now I want more. I'm a white lady raised by Southern parents and he's a black guy raised by fairly cool parents. He's not very assertive but I am.
How should I make my move?
Sincerely,
Lisa
Dear Listless Lisa,
I ain't gonna sugarcoat it, beyotch! 15 years and he hasn't made a move?!? 15 years! Jesus, girl! Are you sure he's straight?!? Most blacks can't keep their monster in their pants for 10 minutes, let alone for 15 years. But I could be wrong. The problem might be you. If he hasn't banged you by now, you probably have an inherent flaw -- like a skinny ass.
If he is indeed straight, I say, "What the hell? Go for it." You know how I feel -- you can't beat the chocolate love.
However -- and this is a BIG "however" -- there is one gigantic risk (and I don't mean him not being able to fit). This guy is your roommate -- r-o-o-m-m-a-t-e. And I would guess that unless it's his mama's place or public housing, he's on your lease. This poses a potential problem. Minneapolis is in the arctic, so you can't sleep in your car. So, if he IS on the lease, be careful. It's easy to find a black man who wants sex. It's hard to find a nice apartment.
9:32 PM
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
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Ask Lisa v.5
Letter #5:
Q: Lisa,
I'm a fat broad. Why is it I can get laid but can't find a relationship? What am I doing wrong? Don't get me wrong -- I love getting it, but I would like something more from time to time.
XO,
Tina
A: Tina,
As a fat broad myself, I can relate to your dilemma. But than again, I'm special, famous and rich -- neither of which you are -- so the normal "fat girl" rules don't apply to me. So, read on.
Now listen and listen good: If you want a boyfriend, Chubs, maybe between cocks, you should throw in a salad or two. Lose some weight, ho! Even black men don't like having to search for the pussy. They have enough trouble finding a job -- much less a vagina. However, if you can't lose weight because of some medical issue (yeah, right), you can always use it to your advantage and cook for a man. The fastest way to a guy's heart is through his stomach. It beats him taking you out and making him pay for the half of the menu you ordered.
12:28 AM
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28 Comments - 44 Kudos
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Monday, October 23, 2006
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"Ask Lisa" v.4
Letter #4
Q: Lisa,
I am always the easy target at school. I do use verbal defense but never physical. This one time I was almost jumped for saying a racial joke to a black person. Help me! What should I do?
Thanks Lisa. I love you,
Peter
A: Dear Peter,
My heart goes out to you. I am an easy target myself, but I am incredibly smart and talented, which obviously you are not. Sad . . .
Anyway, there is a time in life when you have to stand up for yourself, young Peter. However, you mustn't get in over your head. Some advice: start small with a Jew, or maybe a kid with M.S. Then try the Asians, but make sure they don't know karate. Those uppity Chinks can be a bitch. What you want to keep in mind is what you must train before you go after the blacks -- they have no conscience and kill people. And whatever you do: don't bring a gun to school and start shooting everyone. It's so been done before that you will be viewed as a hack.
In general, don't kill off all the black and Hispanics. If you grow up and own a carwash someday, you're gonna need someone to work there.
10:38 AM
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15 Comments - 23 Kudos
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Monday, October 16, 2006
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Ask Lisa - Volume 3
Letter #3:
Q: Dear Lisa,
My name is Melissa and I am a 37-year-old former bartender and I own several of Nashville's adult entertainment businesses. I went from living off tips to living off tits! Even though we are a little more learned (that's hillbilly for knowledgeable) than most in the sex arena, you might find it surprising to learn it really has a downside. We're running out of ideas to keep things interesting. Do you have any suggestions that you think might bring some fire back to our campsite?
Signed,
Git 'R Done in Nashville
A: Dear Melissa,
First of all: "went from living off tips to living off tits"! That joke sucks even for you, you inbred retard. Leave the comedy to me, and I'll leave the ho'in to you.
Second of all, you're from the South, bitch! If you want to do something new in bed, READ A BOOK -- preferably one without Jesus in it for a change. That'll make your hubby's head spin. Now, go get laid.
10:56 AM
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18 Comments - 35 Kudos
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